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Theon Greyjoy is dismayed when his sister arrives at Winterfell and won't help him hold it. His father doesn't want Greyjoys in a castle so far from the sea. And also, killing the Stark boys has only made the entire North hate him. Which is a shame, because he really only killed those two orphan boys that were sent to work at that farm. Bran and Rickon (and Hodor and Osha) are hiding out in the crypt at Winterfell.
Furthermore, because nobody outside the North knows that Bran and Rickon are supposed to be dead, Catelyn Stark has panicked about having four of her five children being held hostage. Although only Sansa is really a prisoner at the moment, she's worried about what would happen if the Karstarks have their way and kill Jaime Lannister. So she has Brienne take Jaime out of the Stark camp, which means that now Catelyn is a prisoner. Because Robb Stark puts her under arrest.
Over in Harrenhal, Arya learns that Tywin Lannister is about to make an unexpected attack on Robb's army. So she finds a way to escape! Specifically, she traps Jaqen H'ghar by his own weird rules. She gives him his own name, so he has to either kill himself or help her escape. And he does! So now Gendry, Hot Pie, and Arya are out on the road.
North of the Wall, both Qhorin Halfhand and Jon Snow have been captured by the wildlings and are being taken to see Mance Rayder. And in King's Landing, Tyrion and Cersei are butting heads about Tyrion's plans for her children. For example, she does not approve of Tyrion letting Joffrey plan to run down to the beach to face Stannis Baratheon in single combat. So she's going to kill Tyrion's whore! The only problem is that she got the wrong one.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Here we go. King's Landing, Harrenhal, Pyke, Winterfell, the Wall, Qarth. Bored! Somebody go somewhere new! What's the point of having an opening credits map that gets updated if it never actually gets updated?
Dead ravens get dumped right in front of Theon and Dagmer. So this is Winterfell, then. In this world killing a castle's ravens is like cutting its phone line. The gates open for some riders, who bring Theon's sister Yara in. She rides her horse around Theon. The more people ride in. Nobody stops to praise Theon, they just go straight in. He looks crestfallen. He should get used to that feeling.
Theon goes into the Winterfell dining hall to confront his sister. She cheerfully greets him with a sarcastic "Why, it's the Prince of Winterfell!" In response, Theon is cranky that she's not throwing him a party or something. There kind of is a party going on, but it's just his sister's men eating all the food. He thinks that taking Winterfell with just twenty men is actually pretty impressive. She ignores this and moves on to sneering at him for killing two boys for running away. Theon explains (pompously, of course) that Bran and Rickon promised to be his prisoners and then ran away. And that makes them treacherous, so he had to kill them. She thinks running away in that situation actually requires bravery. Then she calls him a dumb cunt for killing the only two Starks he could have used as hostages. He protests, "If I hadn't killed them, the Northerners would think me weak!" She tells him, "You are weak. And stupid." She then reveals that she didn't bring these men to protect Winterfell and hold Theon's great prize. She brought them to bring Theon home to face his father's wrath, because they're too far from the sea. Balon doesn't want some stupid land-locked castle. The Greyjoys are into boats and the Drowned God, remember? And now that Theon killed the Starks, everyone in the North wants him dead, which will make it hard for him to hold the castle. Theon refuses to be returned to Balon. He says he'll keep Winterfell himself! Yara tells everyone to get out and they do. Then she tells Theon that they both loved their mother and endured their father. She asks him to come home with her and not stay here and die alone. He answers, "I don't intend to die."
Yara tells Theon (and, coincidentally, the audience) a story about him screaming as a baby. I didn't realize she was older than him, but it turns out that she is because she remembers looking down at Screaming Baby Theon and thinking about strangling him to death. But then he smiled at her and she didn't. I guess some of Theon's personality flaws could be attributed to being the youngest child of at least four. Remember, he had two older brothers that died who Balon won't shut up about. Yara tells Theon not to die so far from the sea.
Now we move to the land of the ice and snow and we meet a guy named "The Lord of Bones," who's wearing a mask made out of a skull. It's not form-fitting or anything, so it's not like he has a skull for a face. Frankly, it just looks uncomfortable. He's not impressed to see that Ygritte has captured Jon Snow, because he's already captured Qhorin Halfhand, who's a higher-ranking Crow and is therefore worth more points. So the Lord of Bones would like to just gut Snow right now. Ygritte says that Snow technically saved her life when he turned out to be too big a wimp to kill her. And he's the bastard of Ned Stark, so Ygritte thinks that Mance Rayder will want to see him. The Lord of Bones asks what Mance would want with a dead man's bastard and Ygritte answers, "Don't know. Think Mance will want to decide that for himself." They agree that if Snow runs, they'll cut his balls off. So it's settled, then: Snow is being taken to see Mance Rayder. Ygritte tells Snow that they're even.
Snow is put on his knees right to Qhorin. Snow apologizes for not being able to kill Ygritte. Qhorin says that the other rangers died while looking for Snow. Nice going. Qhorin tells Snow to make sure they didn't die for nothing.
Talisa asks Robb about the lady he's engaged to marry. He doesn't know what she looks like and only that her name is "Frey." I didn't think they'd actually selected a Frey for him to marry yet. Talisa reminds people who didn't memorize the first season that Robb is marrying the Frey-to-be-named-later because he needed access to a bridge. With that out of the way, she moves on to the important job of telling Robb how great his father was. She says that everyone from the North loved Ned Stark. Apparently when she's going around cutting off people's legs, they find the time to talk about Ned. I'm guessing the context is something like, "I wouldn't mind being crippled for Eddard Stark, but this Robb kid is a real disappointment." Robb says he used to think Ned was the finest man he ever met. He thinks that everyone thinks that about their father, but she tells him that isn't the case. He reminisces about Ned telling him about exhibiting bravery when you're afraid. He tells her that he's not fighting this war for glory. He's doing it because they'll never be safe while the Lannisters are around. And also a little bit for vengeance.
Just then! Two riders come up. And they have news: "Your Grace! My lady! The Kingslayer. He escaped in the night!" Robb freaks out: "How? HOW?"
Catelyn's tent! Robb seems unhappy with her. He tells her to tell him "it" isn't true. Ah! It transpires that she set him free to protect her children, because if the word got out that they didn't have Jaime, there'd be nothing to protect Arya and Sansa. And she's also worried about Bran and Rickon, although Jaime doesn't really have anything to do with that. Karstark, who's there with Robb, accuses her of committing treason because her children were prisoners when his children keep dying. He had one die in battle and then Jaime killed the other in his daring escape. And in his view, by freeing Jaime, Catelyn stole his vengeance. She tells him, "Killing Jaime Lannister would not buy life for your children. But returning him to King's Landing may buy life for mine." You can imagine how well that goes over. (The answer is "poorly." It goes over poorly.) Robb says to keep guard on Catelyn and adds another forty men to the forty already looking for Jaime. So she's under arrest and now Robb's splitting his army up to look for Jaime Lannister in addition to fighting the Lannister army and whatever force he sent north to Winterfell. And his war was going so well, too.
Somewhere in a forest, a man falls off a horse. It's Jaime! He's normally a much better rider, but I guess he isn't usually tied up. And he's got Brienne with him! Although since she's not the one who's tied up, I guess really she's got him. He decides that this is the ideal time to make small talk: "What's your name? I'm Jaime Lannister of Casterly Rock." I'm sure she already knows that, Jaime. Brienne admits that she's Brienne of Tarth and he asks if she's the daughter of Lord Selwyn. He's just showing off how well he's memorized the various houses and lords. Then he asks if she's known many men? Women? Horses? She roughs him up a little and lectures him about hurting the innocent. Then she backs off and says, "You will not provoke me to anger!" Jaime laughs at that: "I already have! Look at you! You're ready to chop my head off." He's right, you know. He offers to get into a fair fight with her, but he warns her that only three men in the kingdom could handle him. If I'm following the established pecking order, I think he means Loras, the Hound and someone else. Maybe the Mountain? Anyway, I guess we're supposed to notice that Brienne's already taken down Loras, but that requires a lot of bookkeeping. Brienne makes him get into a canoe. He tries to convince her to be a woman of honor, which presumably involves untying him and giving him a sword. She doesn't bite. She rows him out into a river.
As we see the canoe go out into the river, we hear a voice say, "King's Landing will fall an hour after Stannis lands his force. It's not too late for King Joffrey and Cersei and the court to ride west to safety." It's one of Tywin's advisors, so obviously Tywin thinks it's stupid. He doesn't like the idea of giving up the Iron Throne even for a moment, because if you can't hold it, you don't deserve it. In his opinion, Lannisters stand and fight. Anyway, Stannis is two days out and the wolf is at his door. The "wolf" would be Robb's army. I guess he gets to be "the wolf" instead of "the cub" or "the whelp" or whatever condescending reference to his youth Tywin's been using recently. The scouts say Robb is too far north to attack them safely, but Tywin is skeptical of his scouts' accuracy. Besides: "He's a boy and he's never lost a battle. He'll risk anything at any time. Because he doesn't know enough to be afraid. We'll ride at nightfall. I want a full night's march before he knows we're on the move." So the new plan is for Tywin to leave Harrenhal and do some attacking of his own. He wants the Mountain to stay behind and clean up the Brotherhood. I really like that they haven't explained what the deal is with the Brotherhood. It's just some local resistance they need to clean up and that's all we need to know. He leaves Arya in the Mountain's service. He tells her not to let the Mountain drink too much, but I can't imagine what she's supposed to do about it. He's at least three times her size, so it's not like she can just refuse to bring him wine. She thinks. In close-up.
Then Arya walks around in the Harrenhal courtyard, past a very well stocked gallows. They're hanging six or seven people at a time in here. Some mean guys -- Jaqen's former fellow prisoners, Rorge and Biter -- won't tell her where Jaqen is and one of them threatens to fuck her. Thanks for that, show. They're called away from their important child-threatening to get ready to ride out with Tywin.
Hot Pie is chatting with Gendry. I guess it's nice that Hot Pie is still alive, if only because he represents a character whose name I know. If it's all the same to the show, I would prefer they not kill people I recognize if there's a choice. Like, those three rangers who were with Qhorin? Sure, they can go. Anyway, the point of this conversation is that Hot Pie knows a lot about cooking and he likes talking about it to Gendry, who could not possibly care less. And I guess both of them are okay with not being sent to the Night's Watch. Arya shows up and asks if they know where Jaqen is. Hot Pie admits that he saw Jaqen on patrol, but he doesn't say it until she grabs his ears and twists. Arya sees Tywin and his men ride out and she appears to despair a little.
We're north again. The wildlings are walking along with Qhorin and Snow in the middle. Both of them have their hands tied. Qhorin tells Snow that Mance is going to ride on the Wall and that Snow should join them. This will give him some kind of chance for sabotage. Snow thinks they won't trust him, because they're probably not completely stupid. Qhorin answers, "They might. If you do what must be done." Qhorin then shouts at Snow and shoves him down a small cliff. Ygritte looks down at Snow and smiles a little. Really, she always seems to be smiling a little. And have I mentioned that she's played by Rose Leslie, who played Gwen on Downton Abbey? It's a little distracting.
Tyrion reads a large book and watches Bronn clean his fingernails with a giant knife. He asks if he could do that somewhere else. Bronn sighs and puts down the knife. Then he complains about Tyrion trying to make him wear a gold cloak. Tyrion's logic is that Bronn is in charge of the "goldcloaks," but Bronn says the cloak gets in his way and the gold gives away his position. Tyrion tells him he's supposed to stand out, but he agrees that he doesn't have to wear it. Bronn drums his fingers and continues to get on Tyrion's nerves. Tyrion wants to plan the defense of King's Landing, but Bronn thinks that reading books is a waste of time. Tyrion has a history of the sieges of King's Landing, which does sound useful. I mean, if you're going to be in a siege, you want to know how the ones went, right? Tyrion can't pronounce the name of the book's author, but Bronn can. This throws Tyrion a little, because he's not used to anyone being smarter than him at anything, let alone Bronn.
Varys comes in and compliments them on the marked drop in thievery. Bronn explains that they rounded up all the known thieves. Tyrion asks, "For questioning?" Bronn: "Um... no." So now it's just the unknown thieves they need to worry about. Bronn says that in a siege, it's the starving that kills people. Early on, the poor start eating each other. But the thieves love sieges. As soon as the doors close, they steal all the food. Then all the rich people trade everything they have for food. And when the doors open, the thieves are rich. To avoid this situation, Bronn has killed all the thieves he could find. I guess I applaud him for a forward-thinking, proactive plan.
Varys admires Tyrion's book about the great sieges of Westeros. And he pronounces the name of the author correctly, which is probably a purposeful dig at Tyrion. Tyrion comments that Stannis knows the city and knows what gates are weakest. He decides that the Mud Gate is where Stannis will most likely attack. Bronn suggests that they could throw books at Stannis. Tyrion says they do have a lot of one asset: pig shit.
Samwell and the other Night's Watch men dig a latrine trench. I'm kind of surprised we're going back to them; I thought we'd just be following Jon Snow when we went north of the Wall. Sam wonders where Snow is. The cynical answer: "A betting man would go with dead." Sam can't imagine that, because after all, "He's got a Valyrian steel sword!" More cynical answer: "So did his father." Apparently, great rangers don't get old. And neither do the shit ones. This is mostly just banter, but I wanted to point out that again that the only type of steel anyone talks about is Valyrian. It's supposed to be rare and strong, but it seems like it's all over the place. While digging, they uncover something with some symbols on it. Oh shit! They found a hatch! No, wait. It's just a stone. Sam says the First Men made those marks, so he wants the stone. He's very into the First Men. He's kind of the Game of Thrones equivalent of somebody in our world who's really into Game of Thrones. They get the stone out of the ground. And in the hole underneath it, there's something wrapped in a Night's Watch cloak. There's a fancy horn and something Sam calls "dragon glass." Although he clarifies that to be "obsidian" and I appreciate him using real-world terms. I suppose he learned that word in one of his fancy books.
Arya carries some water through the Harrenhal courtyard, drops it and gets knocked in the head by a passing soldier. Since Tywin has left, I'm assuming that all the soldiers in Harrenhal work directly for the Mountain and are probably not of the best ilk. But the person she bumps into is Jaqen, whose ilk is beyond reproach. He tells her, "Give a man a name." He won't commit to how long it will take him to kill someone. She wants Tywin Lannsiter dead "right now" but she apparently can't have that. So she asks if he'll absolutely swear that he'll kill the man with whatever name she gives him. His answer: "By the seven new gods and the old gods beyond counting, I swear it." Arya's got a plan now: "All right. Jaqen H'ghar." Not cool, Arya. This guy's been very helpful to you and this is how you repay him? You could have had him kill Joffrey, Tywin and Cersei the first day. But you waited around and now this has happened. He asks, "A girl gives a man his own name?" She does. And she refuses to unname him. But after he asks again, she reveals her full plan. She's willing to unname him if he helps her and her friends escape. He thinks that's cheating, since he'll have to kill more than one person to get it done. She doesn't care. He tells her, "A girl lacks honor." She shrugs, which is awesome. Her father's lessons about honor do not appear to have sunk in, because she's far more concerned with results. He tells her, "If I do this thing, a girl must obey." She promises she'll unname him once they're free. He tells her, "A girl and her friends will walk through the gates at midnight."
Tyrion gets himself some wine while Cersei calls him odd. I'm not saying she's wrong. She's heard that Joffrey wants to go do some fighting himself. Tyrion praises this as an admirable instinct in a young king. Cersei says he's only a boy, but Tyrion points out that there are plenty of boys fighting his war for him. And anyway, Joffrey is seventeen, which was an age at which "Uncle" Jaime was killing people with wild abandon. This is a world where if you haven't killed anybody by seventeen, there's something wrong with you. Cersei says Joffrey's place is not on the battlefield, presumably because she knows he'd get killed instantly. Tyrion says his place isn't on the throne either, presumably because he's going to get all of them killed eventually. Cersei changes the subject and asks Tyrion if he knows why Varys is so dangerous. Tyrion's first guess is that it's because Varys knows everything. No, it's "Because he doesn't have a cock." Tyrion points out that Cersei doesn't either. That may have been her point. She tells Tyrion, "That little worm between your legs does half your thinking." He mildly protests that it isn't that little. Then he notices that Cersei is happy, which makes Tyrion suspicious. Something is clearly going on. She tells him that she has his "little whore." By way of explaining her anger, she says, "You stole my only daughter. You plot to have Joffrey killed." Yeah, yeah. Get used to it, sister.
Tyrion asks, "Where did you find her?" He's not giving anything away. Cersei says she knew her from the Lannister Lion Necklace, which she characterizes as remarkably sloppy work. Tyrion tells her you don't buy a whore -- you only rent them. I believe that is the usual arrangement, yes. But she knows he likes this one very much. She asks, "Could it be love?" Cersei says the whore will be fine, unless Joffrey is hurt. And if he dies, "there isn't a man alive who could devise a more painful death for your little cunt." Tyrion asks how he knows she's alive. Cersei has her brought in. It's not Shae, which I have to think Tyrion suspected, since he carefully avoided using her name. In fact, it's Ros, the most popular prostitute in all of Westeros! I bet she's sorry she ever left the Winterfell-adjacent brothel now. Tyrion walks up to her and apologizes that they hurt her. He tells her she must be brave and that he promises to free her. Instead of saying something like "I'm not your lover!" she just says, "Don't forget me." Tyrion: "Never." She's hustled out. Cersei smirks. Tyrion tells her he will hurt her for this. The day will come when she thinks she's safe and happy and then he'll wreak a terrible vengeance, blah blah blah. They don't mention the part about Lannisters paying their debts, because that has less oomph when one Lannister says it to another. Cersei tells him to get out and she smiles a little.
Tyrion runs back to his room, where Shae is unsurprisingly fine. She's been insulated from all the drama and just wants to know why she's had to wait all night for him. Shouldn't she have been attending to Sansa? Her handmaiden duties seem pretty variable. Tyrion tells her she's beautiful. Then he says they have to be careful. She thinks she can take care of herself and I don't blame her for being bored with Tyrion's worrying, since he's been saying the same thing since they got to King's Landing. She promises to cut off the faces of the people that would hurt them. I like that she has a plan. Tyrion says he would kill for her. And that he expects to. Tyrion asks her to promise him that she's his and he's hers. She does. So they continue in their allegedly happy relationship with dangers on all sides. I can't believe he's keeping her in the Hand's chambers. It seems foolhardy.
In the Official Stark Tent, Robb Stark is unhappy with recent events what with having to arrest his own mother and all. And he can't storm Winterfell because Theon has Bran and Rickon as hostages. He says that he wants any Ironborn who surrenders to be allowed to go home safely. Except for Theon, who's not to be shown any mercy. His advisor is skeptical.
Talisa comes into the tent and asks how he's doing. Well, what with arresting his mother, being betrayed by his closest friend and all his siblings being hostages, he's not doing great. He admits that he's not being a great king so far, but he wasn't raised for it. He was raised to be Prince of Winterfell, which is the second time we've heard the title. Talisa says she was raised to be "a proper little lady" who played the harp and recited Valyrian poetry. It's always "Valyrian" with these people. First the steel and then the poetry. Why don't we have a story about the Valyrians, if they're so great?
Talisa has a story to share with us about the time she was twelve years old and her parents had gone away to a wedding, leaving her at home with her little brother. Twelve years old? Shouldn't she be married by then? I guess this isn't exactly medieval times. Anyway, the two of them went for a swim and she lost track of her brother. Then, obviously, she saw him floating face down. Panic ensued. She dragged him out. She tried the advanced healing techniques of "shouting at him" and "shaking him," but he was dead. Then a slave with a fish on his face came up and shoved her out of the way, which is apparently Not Done. He performed chest compressions, because slaves know the secret of CPR. And her brother coughed up some water and was alive again! So Talisa decided she wasn't going to waste her life planning dances. Also, she wasn't going to live in a slave city anymore, although it seems like slaves could be pretty handy to have around if they know modern medical techniques.
Robb tells her he doesn't want to marry "the Frey girl." Talisa doesn't want him to either, adding, "But you needed that bridge. I hope it's a very beautiful bridge." They kiss. And start taking off each other's clothes. It's a surprisingly quick process, although you will not be surprised to learn that she's naked before he is. Then they're on the ground. And his pants stay on. You know, these tents don't have locking doors, so I don't think it's a great idea for him to be having sex with someone who he's not engaged to.
Away to Arya and Hot Pie. And Gendry. I guess. Gendry is the more important character since he's Robert Baratheon's bastard, but Hot Pie's more fun. Hot Pie is talking about hot pies, which is the sort of thing you'd think he'd want to avoid. Like, when they were dragged into Harrenhal, he had a chance to say his name was "Johnny Armageddon" or something cool, but as far as we know, he's still stuck with the name "Hot Pie." Arya says they have to trust the plan, which just consists of "walk through the gate." It seems risky, since there are guards everywhere. After some disagreement, they do. Some guards are on the stairs, but they don't seem to be moving. In fact, there are several corpses around the place, which is probably going to cause some comment later. And I have to think the Mountain is going to get in trouble for letting half the guards die the night after Tywin left. Arya, Hot Pie and Gendry get out. They're free!
A siege catapult is prepared on a boat, which I'm not sure is the most stable platform for that. So that means we're in Stannis's fleet, which explains why Stannis and Davos are here. They're talking about the weather, which isn't just small talk for their situation. If the weather holds, they'll be at King's Landing soon. Like maybe episode. Just throwing that out there. Stannis admires Davos for taking the insult "Onion Knight" and making it his sigil. He's even got an onion on his flag! Davos says his son wants to change the flag to something more traditional, like three mermen with tridents or something. He says he understands why the older families look down on him. His father was a crabber and sons of lords don't like to break bread with crabbers' sons. Stannis says that Robert and Ned got all the glory of overthrowing the Mad King Targaryen while Stannis held Storm's End with 500 men. And then after the coup, Robert gave Storm's End to Renly, who never fought anybody. Stannis seems pretty bitter about this. Stannis describes the siege of Storm's End. They ate the horses, then the cats, then the dogs and then the rats. His wife was dying. And then Davos (who you'll remember was a smuggler) slipped through the lines with his onions. And possibly some salted beef. Stannis says that every man wanted to kiss him. Davos deadpans, "I was relieved they did not." Stannis explains that he's always done his duty, whether it was to hold Storm's End or give it up. But now he's the legal king and he's going to make Davos the Hand. Interesting choice. I would have guessed he'd name Melisandre, but I guess he could take her advice anyway.
Joffrey, Varys, and Tyrion are inspecting the defenses at King's Landing. Joffrey is mad at Varys for not knowing everything about what's going on in the North. This is because all those ravens got killed in the first scene. Joffrey wants to strike while the Starks are distracted by Winterfell. Tyrion points out that they're actually preparing to be sieged right now, so the time isn't exactly right to launch an attack. Stannis is only a day or so away. Joffrey says he'll ride out to meet him on the beach and engage him in single combat. "They say Stannis never smiles. I'll give him a red smile. From ear to ear." Yes, yes. Very menacing. Joffrey leaves. Tyrion does not actually roll his eyes as he tells Varys, "Imagine Stannis's terror." Varys is also good at staying stoic when he responds, "I am trying." Varys verbally fences with Tyrion about what each of them want. Tyrion can't get anything out of Varys. Tyrion says Jaime was the youngest Kingsguard in history and that Cersei was queen at nineteen. And Tyrion was put in charge of the drains at Casterly Rock. But he was good at it! The drains never ran more smoothly. I don't suppose that could be a reference to the first Blackadder series? Edmund was put in charge of the drains, which he found a horrible insult. Anyway, Tyrion wasn't expecting to be Hand. Varys says Tyrion's good at the game of being Hand. Better than Jon Arryn and Ned, anyway. You can tell, because he's still alive.
Tyrion says that if Stannis breaches the walls of King's Landing, the game's over. Varys says that Stannis is said to burn his enemies for the Lord of Light. Tyrion reflects on the Drowned God (likes people drowned) and the Lord of Light (likes people burnt). Tyrion: "Why are all the gods such vicious cunts? Where's the god of tits and wine?" Is that the third "cunt" this episode? Seems like a lot. Varys says the Summer Isles have a goddess with sixteen teats. He's also heard from Qarth that Daenerys Targaryen is alive with three dragons. Tyrion cares more about immediate issues. Varys is concerned about the prospect of dragons, but Tyrion says that won't be a problem for years and years. Tyrion's new motto is, "One game at a time."
Speaking of Qarth! Jorah tells Daenerys, "Careful, khaleesi." Daenerys is peeping through windows. Jorah has a ship and thinks they should leave. Dany will not leave without her children. Jorah points out that they're dragons, not children. They're not your "fur-babies," lady. Well, "scale-babies." My point is that I'm with Jorah on this point. They're adorable baby dragons, but they're not your children. She tells him to shove off, then. He promises that he'll never abandon her. She wants to go to the House of the Undying, which Jorah thinks is a bad idea. The Warlock has magic! But so does Daenerys, if you count "not being burned alive that one time." That could come in handy. Daenerys says, "They are my children. And they are the only children I will ever have." So what happens if she becomes queen, then? As soon as she dies, we're right back with no heir? I realize it's none of my business, but I think Westeros needs a better way to pick new monarchs. It seems like they get a lot of line-of-succession problems.
Back to Winterfell. Theon wants to bury the bodies. Dagmer wants to leave them up a few more days to send the message. Theon says that everyone's gotten the message by now. I feel like he just wants to cut the bodies down because he's afraid of offending the citizens, but surely that's already done. Theon wants to give some gold to the farmer whose place they invaded. You know, for his trouble. Dagmer figures his troubles are done. His philosophy is, "You wanna keep a man silent, you silence him." Yeah, if Theon thinks he can back out of this situation by buying a couple of people off, I believe that he is wrong. Maester Luwin spots Osha peeping around a wall. And that's odd, because Osha's supposed to be with Bran and Rickon (and Hodor). Then he walks back to the dangling corpses and looks at them.
In a dark tunnel, Osha says they walked to that farm, then doubled back. They cut through the stream to throw off the hounds. And this is the last place they'd think to look. It's the Stark crypt! Luwin says she was right. The farmer's boys are hanging by the gates. So it was those orphans that got assigned to him. Luwin says Bran would blame himself for this and Osha says they won't hear it from her: "The little lads have suffered enough." Bran is sitting awake, listening. Rickon sleeps to Hodor.
Let's check in on the hostage situation for a moment. The Starks believe that Arya and Sansa are hostages at Winterfell, but really only Sansa is. Arya has just escaped from Harrenhal, where she was a prisoner but not an official hostage. Bran and Rickon are believed by everyone outside the North to be Theon's hostages at Winterfell and by everyone in the North to be dead. But they're hiding out in the crypts. Jaime Lannister is widely believed to be a prisoner of Robb Stark, but he's really being taken back to King's Landing by Brienne of Tarth. Except that he's still kind of Brienne's prisoner and anyway King's Landing is about to be under siege so it will probably be hard to get in. My point is that there are a lot of alleged hostages who aren't really hostages at all at this point.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
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