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We're back! And Joffrey's face is more smackable than ever! This time it's Cersei Lannister who does the honors, but now that he's king, he can threaten her with death if she does it again. The entire kingdom now knows he's not really Robert Baratheon's heir, but he's the only king who has possession of the actual Iron Throne, so he still seems to be the favorite.
Robb Stark has decided to be The King in the North, which means he just wants Joffrey and any other potential kings to stay in the south. He also wants to trade Jaime Lannister for Arya and Sansa Stark, but he's got two problems. First, the Lannisters don't actually have Arya. And second, Joffrey doesn't care that much about Jaime, since he'd prefer to have a giant war. He's the worst! Tyrion is supposed to be talking sense to him, but nobody really likes hearing sense, do they?
A new king enters the fray in the form of Stannis Baratheon, Robert's brother. Stannis is being led to this by a creepy woman, who survives an assassination attempt by a gentleman with very impressive muttonchops.
In other news, Jon Snow is off north of the wall dealing with a weirdo who marries his own daughters. Mance Rayder is up there amassing his own army and calling himself a king, because why not? Daenerys is also a king, or possibly a queen. She doesn't do much, but the dragons are still cute. And Bran is trying to run Winterfell, but he's still a tiny crippled child.
Oh! And there's a comet in the sky that everyone regards as some kind of omen.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Game of Thrones: Bran Stark got shoved out a window because he saw Jaime and Cersei Lannister having sex, Jon Snow had to go guard a giant wall that's being menaced by occasional zombies, Viserys Targaryen pimped his sister out then got his head covered in molten gold, King Robert Baratheon died, Khal Drogo died, Ned Stark died and Robb Stark captured Jaime Lannister after deciding he was the King in the North. The current King Count stands at three, I think: Robb (King in the North), Joffrey the Smackable ("secretly" the son of Jaime and Cersei, who are twins. GASP!) and Renly Baratheon (who left town late in the last season and is presumed to be raising his own army). Confused? You won't be after this episode of Soap. But then we're going to have to come back to Game of Thrones and its cast of millions. Let's go!
The opening credits include the following places: King's Landing, Dragonstone (where we have not previously been), Winterfell, The Wall, back to King's Landing, Vaes Dothrak and that's it. For some reason, Vaes Dothrak is always shown sideways. I choose to believe that's to symbolize that they're a different culture. Or something.
We start the episode proper with: Fighting! Wooh! Specifically, The Hound (I can tell it's him from his cool doggie helmet) wallops some poor dope and knocks him off the wall and onto his death. Joffrey pronounces it "Well struck," and Sansa agrees with her traditional lack of intonation. But I think she's supposed to be acting like that, so I'll give her a pass. This tournament is happening in honor of Joffrey's Name Day, which is what they call a "birthday" here. Except their seasons last like eight years so who knows how their calendar works? That's a rhetorical question. Don't email me.
The battle is delayed when one of the fighters is late and fat. And possibly drunk. Joffrey is not pleased, which is not news. The fighter claims he's only had two cups of wine, and Joffrey insists that he have another: "See that he drinks his fill." I think this happened in Caligula. Some goons shove a drinking horn in his mouth and pour a keg of wine in. Those drinking horns make it really easy to force wine down someone's throat. I guess that explains why those goons were so good at getting into position for this operation. Normally you'd think "force this guy to drink a bunch of wine" is something you'd need to plan for. Sansa gasps in horror, but she knows better than to tell Joffrey what to do. So she makes up some nonsense about it being bad luck to kill anyone on your Name Day. The Hound backs her up, so Joffrey decides he'll just have the guy killed tomorrow instead. That's very clear thinking, and it forces Sansa to come up with a second thought in the same day. She suggests that Joffrey make the guy a Fool instead of killing him. Sure, Joffrey's into that. As long as he's humiliating someone, he's easy to please. And what about the tournament that was going on? Does the other guy win automatically just because he was slightly earlier and slightly less drunk than this one?
At this point, Tyrion comes in to condescend at Joffrey, be nice to Sansa and call the Hound ugly. He ever-so-subtly reminds Joffrey (and the assembled throngs) that he's just been in a giant battle while Joffrey sat on his kickable butt. He also tells Sansa he's sorry for her loss which prompts Joffrey to be outraged that anyone would be sad that their father died, since he was a traitor. Sansa recites an obviously well-rehearsed line about how all her relatives are traitors. Tyrion strolls off to do "work" without telling Joffrey why he's there. Tyrion is followed by an awful lot of goons. He appears to have brought his own army into King's Landing. Probably a good idea, right? At times like these, you want an army with you no matter where you go. And he was sent by Tywin to try to rein in Joffrey, which is definitely something you'll want some muscle for.
Elsewhere in King's Landing, Cersei is running the Small Council. And she's received a message bird! I give that sentence an exclamation point because I personally have never received a message bird. Or a telegram, now that I think of it. In fact, it's been awhile since I've gotten a regular letter. I seem to have gotten off the subject of the message bird, which is that there are problems in the city. She wants peasants left out in the fields where there's a war going on, rather than allowing them into the safety of the castle. Tyrion strolls in, whistling. He does a lot of strolling in this episode. He seems pretty pleased with himself. Cersei wants to know why he's there, and he cheerfully tells her about all the wall-pissing and hill-people-hiring he did in the last book. Um, "season." She reminds him that this is the Small Council, which is only for very important people like her and Varys. Tyrion informs her that "father" has made him Hand of the King in his stead.
Cersei throws the tertiary characters out and shouts at Tyrion for a bit. He denies having done anything wily to get the job and blames her for not stopping Joffrey from killing Ned and starting a war. They agree that Joffrey is king and that Tyrion is just here to advise him. And then Tyrion tells her that they might get Jaime back if nothing else stupid happens. She admits that they lost Arya so they only have one Stark child left to barter with. Tyrion blames her for not keeping Joffrey in line: "We had three Starks to trade. You chopped one's head off and let another escape." Then he twists the knife by calling her "the disappointing child." Hey, at least she didn't get captured like Jaime. That guy's really letting the side down.
Out at Winterfell, Bran is holding court. Little Bran! He's in charge because everyone else is out fighting wars or being forced to marry Joffrey. And when I say "holding court," I mean that literally: local dopes are coming by to ask the Lord of Winterfell for stuff. For example, this guy is complaining about masons and the quality of stonework you get today. He's reminded that he's supposed to maintain his own holdfast, but he says his men are all out fighting. He seems to be getting a little uppity, so Bran reminds him of his vows of loyalty to Winterfell. He gets four masons for a week, if that will fix his walls. He'll take it. Bran doesn't like the way this guy talked about Robb, but Maester Luwin tells him that's something the Lord of Winterfell has to put up with. Someone else comes up, but we have sufficiently established the concept of court, so the scene's over. I guess we also got to see Bran, who's even younger than Joffrey, trying to rule wisely.
POV Evil Dead shot. You know, with the camera zooming through the trees kind of shakily. And there's a red comet in the sky. Weird! The reflection in the puddle tells us that we're seeing through the eyes of a wolf. Bran opens his eyes. Apparently, he's been dreaming that he's a wolf. Or he can see through the eyes of the direwolves, but that would just be crazy. I don't know why I even brought it up as a possibility.
Bran is being carried around by Hodor. The crazy lady (I don't remember her name, and I appear to have just called her "Crazy Lady" in last season's recaps) tells him to drink some tea. [Note: It's Osha, but Crazy Lady is much more descriptive. -- Rachel.] Bran denies dreaming, but she knows better. We see in the sky that the comet is really up there! Bran figures it's an omen in their favor, but you know how hard it is to interpret comets these days. Crazy Lady says the comet means dragons, but Bran says they're all dead. That's weird that Bran dismisses the idea, because I seem to remember him being raised by an old lady who told him spooky stories all the time. I would have thought he'd be a complete believer in all sorts of nonsense. Including the nonsense that actually exists.
Out in the desert lands, there are adorable baby dragons! I like Daenerys' story better in the show than in the book, largely because I get to look at cute dragons. She says she doesn't know how to raise dragons or what to feed them. So she tucks them away in a cage. What? Bring back the baby dragons! And then! A horse collapses. What, is this Luck now? Hah? Get it? Because of those horses that died? That's a great joke right there. Anyway, this horse was Khal Drogo's first gift to Daenerys. If you don't count his penis. Her advisor says everything dies. True. At least on this show. Anyway, they're in the middle of a desert called the Red Waste, and there are bad things in all directions. Daenerys is determined not to let anyone take her dragons. I think the accountants would appreciate it if she'd give them up, because they're eating into the CGI budget. And if they go, that comet probably goes with them, which is also using up computer time.
After hanging out with the dead horse for a while, Daenerys shouts something that sounds kind of like "Sa-koi-koi!" She sends three strapping young lads in three different directions to look for cities, caravans or people. They are to determine the boundaries of the Red Waste. I'm no expert, but maybe they should have learned how big it was before they wandered into the middle of it. The three youths are taking the three last horses. She calls one of them "blood of my blood." Not sure what that means, since I'm pretty sure her baby died. He might be Drogo's little brother or something. They ride off. She looks at the comet, which I'm already sick of. It's just sitting up there in the sky. Let it crash into the ground and then we'll have something. Maybe it could crush Joffrey.
Out north, where it's snowy, the Wall boys are working with a sledge. They arrive at a miserable encampment. There are girls, all of whom are the daughters/wives of the guy who runs the place. His name is Craster, and I'm just going to assume that it's mentioned somewhere in here. I take pretty good notes during these episodes, but let's face it -- There are a lot of names in here. So, yes, I look up the character names sometimes. And that's what I've done here. The deal here is that Craster marries his own daughters, fathers new daughters and then marries them. Jon Snow wonders what happens to his sons. My guess is he has a giant pit out back that he throws them into. I don't know why it has to be a giant pit, but that's what I picture.
The men of the Wall are here to ask Craster if he knows what happened to Benjen. He does not! And in the course of his answer, he calls them all "Southerners." This annoys Jon Snow, since he's from Winterfell. He promptly absorbs some speculation about whether he has a wet twat between his legs. Craster is a delightful person, what with his incestuous harem and irrational hatred of Jon Snow. Anyway, he thinks everyone from below the Wall is a Southerner. Snow is told to shut up. We learn that all the villages between here and the Wall are empty. There are a lot of villages north of the Wall? Huh. I wonder how their residents feel about the Wall. Craster's a weird incestuous jerk, but I don't think it requires a 500-foot wall to keep him out.
Craster snaps, "You want to know where they've all gone? North! To join up with Mance Rayder." Mance once broke his vows to the Night's Watch, but now he's self-proclaimed "King Beyond the Wall." The old man demands somebody's axe because it's got nice steel. This show has a lot of people talking about steel. Craster goes on: "You wanna know what Mane Rayder's doing? Gathering an army. But I hear he's already got more men than any of your Southern kings." And the only way to go with his army is south. He makes one of the traumatized young ladies recite, "This is our place. Our husband keeps us safe. Better to live free than die a slave." Well, that's fun. He tells the Lord-Commander that he'll allow them to sleep there, but he'll cut off any hand that touches one of his wives. And if Snow looks too long, his eyes get gouged out. He has some objection to Snow being a foundling, I guess. Maybe he thinks he clawed his way out of that giant pit and has come back for revenge.
Out in the cold, the commander shouts at Snow, "WHO AM I?" "You're commander." "And who are you?" "Jon Snow. Your steward." "You want to lead one day? Well learn how to follow." He didn't really do anything as far as I can tell. All he did was object to being called a Southerner. Everyone's reaction in this scene is weird.
Hey. A comet. Probably the same one, right?
A bunch of torch-wielding mooks hang out on a beach somewhere. Led by a woman with red hair, they chant about how the night is dark and full of terrors. Someone with elaborate muttonchops wants her to stop. He's mad that they're not following the gods of their ancestors. The lady tells him she smells fear. "You want to stop me? Stop me." He does not. Then she goes on about the ancient books. There's going to be a sword called Lightbringer! Then she talks to Stannis Baratheon, who is Robert's brother. Stannis takes a flaming sword from a burning statue. Then he shoves the sword in the beach and everyone chants at him. Stannis walks off and everyone follows. One bald guy rolls his eyes at the whole deal. Muttonchops thinks this will lead them to a war they can't win. But Baldy will follow his lord, his king wherever. He's named Davos, and asks, "What's the truth?" I'm making him sound like a philosopher, but really he's a hard-bitten mercenary type. I guess he could be both.
Stannis is dictating a letter about how Joffrey is really the son of Cersei and Jaime. In the process, he objects to the phrase "my beloved brother Robert," since he didn't love him. He also wants Jaime called "The Kingslayer." But it has to be "Sir" Jaime Lannister because he wants to give him his due. So we've established that Stannis respects the Way Things Are Done.
Anyway, all the Lannister kids were pure Lannister so he doesn't accept Joffrey as king. He wants his message sent all over the kingdom. He won't make peace with Renly (the other Baratheon brother, last seen slipping out of King's Landing with the Knight of the Flowers) while Renly calls himself king. The lady says that Stannis has no need for ships or allies. Davos recommends allying with Robb for tactical reasons. Stannis says, "They'll bend the knee or I'll destroy them." Muttonchops says that the Lord of Light will watch over them, since they've all agreed to turn their back on the old gods. He wants everyone to drink. I like how obvious it is that he's poisoned the wine. He drinks from his own cup and hands it to Creepy Lady. She does not drink and Muttonchops staggers. She drinks deep and Muttonchops drools blood. Down goes Muttonchops! She repeats the line about how the night is dark and full of terrors, then tells him "...but the fire burns them all way." He's dead. Now I'm glad I didn't learn his name. I'd like to officially know hers, though. I can't keep calling her Creepy Lady while Bran's still got Crazy Lady around. That would just be confusing. And it feels sexist, although I swear they haven't told us either lady's name. I might look their names up and just pretend they used them on the show, but that seems like the sort of thing that would screw up the purity of the recap. The thing you know, I'm just throwing in scenes from three books away. [Note: Just in case: It's Melisandre. -- Rachel.]
Out on the field of war, Jaime Lannister is being kept in a bamboo cage. Now that's fan service. Robb comes in to gloat at him, because otherwise this scene is just Jaime sitting there tied up, and only like 40 percent of the audience is going to put up with that for very long. Not for more than fifteen or twenty minutes, anyway. Jaime is not impressed with Robb, although he makes sure to sarcastically call him "The King in the North" so we remember that Robb is one of the guys with an army. Jaime would like to know why he's being kept in a bamboo cage and being dragged from battle to battle, when he could just as easily be left in a convenient castle. Robb explains that his bannermen would immediately sell Jaime back to the Lannisters. Robb's wolf joins them and is acceptably giant. Robb says that the jig is up about Joffrey being Jaime's son, and Jaime doesn't deny it. He does point out that if Joffrey isn't the rightful king that would make Stannis the man. Robb ignores this point and further alleges that the Jaime-Cersei pairing is what got Ned killed. Jaime points out that he was Robb's prisoner when that happened. Robb guesses that Bran got flung out of a window for witnessing it. Jaime changes the topic and says that his father won't negotiate with Robb: "Three victories don't make you a conqueror." Robb fires back, "It's better than three defeats." Then he leaves, pretty confident that he got the best of that exchange. Yeah, good job. You sure laid it down to that guy who you keep tied up in a cage. Anyone can win a repartee contest when they have a wolf the size of a pony to distract their opponent.
In the Hand's room, Tyrion and his lady chat about the smell of King's Landing. She likes the smell of cum and garlic and some other things I didn't write down because it's funnier to leave it at those two things. He tells her that they can't trust anyone and she can't let anyone know she's there. Sounds great! He assures her that King's Landing is full of liars, but he's a slave to the truth. His logic is that the truth crushes him, which is what makes him so little. Then he complains about the hard mattress the Hand has to put up with. Wasn't he sleeping in a stone cell that opened onto a thousand-foot drop at one point? He should just be glad this room has normal-sized windows.
Out in the courtyard, Cersei wants to talk to Littlefinger. She would like him to locate Arya for her. In a tone that suggests he's not all that interested, he says that she might have gone to Winterfell. Nope. Well, says Littlefinger, Varys might know. Cersei notes that he's wearing a mockingbird, which means he's created his own sigil. So tacky. He points out that not everyone can be born into the right family. She talks about love. He says that even brothers and sisters develop attachments. So he's openly talking about the family shame? Interesting plan. He explains to her that knowledge is power. She tells her armed guards, who suddenly seem to be very numerous, "Seize him. Cut his throat. Stop. Wait. I've changed my mind. Let him go. Step back three paces. Turn around. Clsoe your eyes." This whole time, they were doing exactly what she told them to. So he was inches away from death. Cersei explains, "Power is power. Do see if you can take some time away from your coins and your whores to locate the Stark girl for me. Thank you very much." She and her guards leave Littlefinger to think about things. We see that a scrub girl saw the whole thing. That will be the excuse for Varys knowing about this when we get our scene of Varys and Littlefinger verbally sparring about how much they know. I hope. Really, I just hope we have another one of those scenes, because I find them fun.
A younger Lannister listens to Robb's terms for peace. He demands that Joffrey release the girls, give them Ned's bones and return all the other Stark-aligned corpses. And then Joffrey and Cersei must renounce all claims to the North. And Joffrey and all his men will stay out of the North forever. He looks stern and adds, "I don't need a servant to do my beheading for me." He also announces, "I will litter the south with Lannister dead." He's reminded that Joffrey is officially a Baratheon, but he does seem to buy it. When the Lannister is led out, Theon Greyjoy calls Robb "Your Grace", which Robb feels weird about it. They agree that the Lannisters are going to reject his terms. Theon thinks the war won't end until they take King's Landing. And they need ships, which his father has. He tells Robb, "I'm his only living son. He'll listen to me. I know he will." He insists that although he is not a Stark, Ned raised him to be an honorable man. He raised him to be a bloodthirsty little monster, as far as I can tell, but I guess he hasn't actually done anything but recommend war at every opportunity. He also causes confusion by looking too much like Robb when they're standing to each other. It was even worse when Jon Snow was still there, because we had three guys with black hair who were all about the same age.
Mrs. Stark (Catelyn if you're nasty, or if you can remember her name on the first try) thinks this is a terrible idea. She doesn't trust Lord Greyjoy, who had a rebellion that Ned put down. She wants him to trade Jaime for the girls. Robb doesn't want to. Catelyn wants to go home, because she hasn't seen Bran or Rickon in months. Remember Rickon? Not if you weren't watching the first season very closely, you don't. Robb tells her Ser Rodrik is watching over the boys, and she has to ride south to negotiate with Renly Baratheon and his hundred thousand men because, "If Renly sides with us, we'll outnumber them two to one." He promises they'll get the girls back and go home for good. Okay, she'll ride at first light. That's dawn. About 6:00 AM. Just call it that.
Joffrey observes people working in the throne room. He tells Cersei he's getting the place remodeled. She tells him Arya's missing and they need her as a bargaining chip. He thinks the Starks put too much value on their women. "A king does not ask. He comands! My grandfather's stupidity on the field of battle..." blah blah blah. You get the idea. He doesn't care as much about getting back Jaime as she does. He asks about the disgusting claim he's heard about his parentage. He also mentions that he does, in fact, have the throne. It's true. It's that iron pointy thing over there. He's got home field advantage. Anyway, his curiosity isn't so much about his own lineage as it is about how Robert got bored with Cersei and was running around with all the whores in Westeros. Then he asks her how many bastards are running around out there, and she smacks him across the face. [Note: Immortalized here, FYI. -- Rachel.] He tells her it's punishable by death, and she'll never do it again. "Never. That will be all, mother." Now she's dismissed. I'm sure there will be no repercussion for this!
Sex! For no reason! Ah, this is more prostitute lessons. The one on top is apparently too energetic. The madam tells them to wash up because they're working together. That was an important and productive scene. Why don't they just make a show set in a brothel? I think the whore who's being lectured to is Ros, from the first season. She's being told how to talk to the owner of the place: "Don't call him Littlefinger. He doesn't like it. Lord Baelish." One of the prostitutes pretends she can't speak "the common tongue" so she'll seem exotic. I guess prostitutes specialize in "exotic tongues." That's a pun!
Someone gets hustled into the room (as opposed to the usual process, ho ho ho), and goons kick doors open. The madam tries to warn the leader about Littlefinger owning the place, but they don't care. The goons drag out a whore with a baby. A man nods. They pull away the baby, out with the knife and they kill the bastard. It's offscreen, but there's a squelching noise that makes it pretty gross. I should add that I say "bastard" because this is one of King Robert's bastards. I wasn't just casting aspersions on his character. He's the one that Ned came to see last season, probably.
Across town, other bastards get killed. It's the cleansing of the bastards! The blacksmith, whose face is being held to the coals, tells the name of the one that was an apprentice there, that he's got a bull's-head helmet, and that he's going to the wall with the rest of the gang. We see the helmet in a cart. And Arya! Remember her? She's on her way to the Wall, but now the Lannisters are hunting down her cart! What a dramatic way to end an episode!
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.