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Things are heating up! While Ned rots in jail, Cersei and the King's Council lean on Sansa to send Robb a letter about how great King Joffrey is. So naturally Robb rounds up eighteen thousand men so he can march to war. The process of establishing authority over his father's bannermen goes pretty smoothly once his wolf bites off a few fingers. Then they have to decide whether they want to fight Jaime Lannister's enormous army or Tywin's equally enormous army. But before they do either one, they have to cross a bridge, apparently. I hope this isn't that riddle about the fox, the chicken, and bag of corn. I guess it would probably be a lion, a dire wolf, and, I don't know, probably still a bag of corn.
On the Lannister side, not much happens except that Tyrion walks out of the Vale with Bronn the mercenary and a small army of crazy-looking hill people. Catelyn also went from the Vale to show up at Robb's camp, so I guess it's a good thing they didn't meet on the way.
Out east, Daenerys has decided to interfere with the Dothraki way of life, by which I mean that she makes them stop raping all the women they find. This doesn't go over terribly well, so Khal Drogo kills an objecter with his bare hands and rips his throat out. Then Dany makes one of the women start brewing up a healing salve that Drogo wouldn't have even needed if he hadn't deliberately cut himself up to make himself look more savage.
Up at The Wall, they find a couple of corpses, one of which is missing that hand that Ghost found. Jon Snow gets himself sent to his room, which means that he's in a perfect situation to set fire to the corpses when they come back to life and start causing trouble.
Finally (and most awesomely), Arya appears to escape from King's Landing when Syrio holds off several heavily armored knights while using nothing but a wooden sword.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!The credits once more consist of King's Landing, The Eyrie. Winterfell, The Wall, and Vaes Dothrak. These people need to travel more. Let's get out on the road and see some new places already!
Arya fences with Syrio with those wooden swords. She's doing much better than when we saw her last, possibly because Syrio is calling out things like "Left high!" and "Left low!" as they spar. Meanwhile, somewhere, someone staggers through a door and gets cut down. There's fighting in the courtyard! Ned's men are getting cut down like dogs! That analogy doesn't make a lot of sense if you don't make a habit of cutting dogs down with swords, but I guess that used to be more common before we had laws about protecting animals. Anyway, Lannister soldiers are on the rampage. There's blood everywhere!
Sansa and Septa Mordane are walking sedately through the halls. Sansa thinks that Arya must be very clumsy because she keeps coming back from her "dancing lessons" covered with scrapes and bruises. I realize that this is because Sansa doesn't know that "dancing" is code for "swordplay," but I believe dancers really do get covered in bruises. Especially these days, when backflips are such an essential part of dancing. Septa Mordane hears the sound of fighting and tells Sansa to run to her room and bar the door. Sansa doesn't want to, but she goes anyway. Because if there's one thing that defines Sansa, it's that she does what she's told. So Sansa runs off and four soldiers stand in the hallway. Septa Mordane stands facing them. And that's where the scene ends, so I don't know yet if I have to find out if I should be calling her "Septa" or "Mordane."
Syrio disarms Arya and announces that she's now dead. She objects that he said "right" but went left, and he lectures her about the difference between watching and seeing. Apparently seeing is the one you want to do. It's the heart of swordplay, which I find a little surprising. I would have thought it would have something to do with a strong arm or quick reflexes or exceptionally hard skin or something. The class is interrupted by armored knights, who enter and tell Arya to come with them because her father wants to see her. She starts to go to them, but Syrio stops her and asks why Lord Eddard Stark would send Lannister men to fetch his daughter. The head knight tells him to shut up, which is a pretty good answer. Arya picks up her wooden sword and says she's not going with them. One of the knights tells Syrio to get out of the way and calls him an old man. Bad move. Syrio explains that his name is Syrio Forel and that he will be spoken to with respect. Then, even though he's completely unarmored and carrying a wooden sword, he takes down the heavily armed and armored knight. One down. Syrio tells Arya to run as he takes up a fightin' pose. He will not be joining her because, as he says, "the first sword of Braavos does not run." He becomes a whirlwind of awesomeness and four or five knights all fall. Arya hasn't left yet, and there's one knight left. But he's the boss, so he sensibly uses his giant metal sword to break Syrio's wooden one. Arya begs Syrio to run with her, but he just says, "What do we say to the God of death?" The answer is, "Not today." He holds position. As Arya runs, there's the sounds of fighting and screaming. That was the best scene ever, although I like to think that Syrio wasn't acting to protect Arya so much as he was just trying to be as awesome as possible. Now I've got this whole picture in my head of how the Braavosi live.
Sansa is still running through hallways, and she's stopped by the Hound. She says, "Stay away from me. I'll tell my father. I'll tell the queen." But as the Queen is the one who sent him, that's not much of a threat.
Arya gets to the stables, where Ned's men were killed earlier. They'd been loading the Stark luggage onto the Stark wagon. Arya rummages through her box to find Needle, which I think is an excellent idea. A stableboy comes by to harass her, and she stabs him in the stomach, killing him. She runs. Good job!
Ned is in a prison cell. He can't see very well, judging by the out-of-focus POV shot of an approaching lantern. It's Varys, who's brought him something to drink. He drinks some himself to prove it isn't poisoned, because even Ned has some survival instinct buried inside him somewhere. Varys recommends hiding some for later. Then he gives a status report: Arya has escaped the castle and can't be found, and Sansa is still engaged to Joffrey. The rest of Ned's household is dead, which I guess means Septa Mordane and some people I never noticed. Ned is a little bit sulky and accuses Varys of doing nothing while his men were slaughtered. Varys points out his lack of armor, weapons, and general heroism. I'm not sure Ned understands the idea of not trying to do something just because it has no chance of working. Speaking of which, Varys would like to know what on earth Ned was thinking when he decided to go around announcing Joffrey's true parentage. Ned has some convoluted explanation about how it was an act of mercy, but Varys has to walk him through how his blundering around resulted in his good friend Robert being killed. Also, he trusts that Ned knows he's basically dead already. Ned is confident that he won't get killed while Catelyn holds Cersei's brother, but not only is it not the brother Cersei likes, she doesn't even have him anymore. Ned shrugs and tells Varys to go ahead and slit his throat, but that's not how Varys does things. Ned asks who Varys serves, and he answers, "The realm, my lord. Someone must." I think it's interesting that Varys and the men of the Wall both claim to serve the realm. And the Night's Watch guys also take a vow of chastity. Maybe I'm onto something!
Speaking of The Wall, various men of the Night's Watch are in the courtyard looking at some pale corpses. The fat bald one is identified as Othor, and the other one is the one whose hand was torn off by Ghost. They were last seen in company of Benjen, but there's no sign of Benjen himself. The theory at first is that they've been dead a long time, but Samwell points out that they don't stink, which presumably means they're not rotting. This is accepted as a good point. Snow thinks the bodies should be burned, but Mormont wants Aemon to examine them, although it's possible he just wants them stacked up in Aemon's chambers as a prank. He does take a moment to verbally pat Sam on the head for not being a complete idiot, which is nice of him. And then he's summoned to Maester Aemon himself, who has received a raven from King's Landing. I don't know if you've noticed, but I kind of vacillate between calling them ravens and crows. Part of the problem is that I'm not the best at distinguishing between black corvids, but also I'm pretty sure they're using crows but calling them ravens. So I'll probably keep doing it.
Somewhat later, Mormont is sitting in his chambers when Snow comes in. He tells Snow to bring him a horn of ale... and to have one for himself. The raven has clearly brought bad news. Mormont tells Snow that the king is dead, and that Lord Stark has been charged with treason. "They say he conspired with Robert's brothers to deny the throne to Prince Joffrey." That's not entirely inaccurate, I guess. I mean, he was "right" to do so if you like, but he definitely talked to Renly and sent a message to Stannis to try to keep Joffrey from becoming king. Snow reads the letter and stands. Mormont reminds him that his duty lies here, on this desolate Wall, rather than down south causing trouble. Snow says that his sisters aren't mentioned in this letter, and Mormont speculates that they'll be treated gently. Sure they will.
Sansa Stark is being worked on in King's Landing. But it is, in fact, being done gently. Cersei and Pycelle tell her about how evil Ned has been. Cersei works on Sansa's princess complex directly: "You're the daughter of a traitor. How can I allow you to marry my son?" Sansa swears she'll be a good, obedient, mild queen, just like Cersei. If she had ten percent of Cersei's spirit, I'd like her a lot more. It turns out I like evil characters more than wimps. Littlefinger, presumably reading from the script that Cersei handed out before the meeting, says that Sansa should be given a chance to prove her loyalty. She's told to write to Catelyn and Robb and urge them to keep the King's Peace. And Robb needs to come down to King's Landing and swear fealty. Sansa is a little overwhelmed (because normally all she has to do is look pretty and do some embroidery) and says she just wants to see her father and talk to him. This doesn't go over well: "We've told you of your father's treason. Why would you want to talk to a traitor?" So what, Sansa asks, will happen to her father? Depends on Robb. And on her. Sansa takes the quill.
In Winterfell, Robb is outraged by the note. Say, these ravens are quick, aren't they? The specific word he objects to is "treason," but Luwin says that even though it was Sansa's hand, the words were Cersei's. And it's a royal command. Robb says he'll go to King's Landing, but not alone. "Call the banners," he says, and it's not as impressive as the show thinks it is. Although it turns out that calling the banners means assembling a giant army of people sworn to defend the Starks, so I guess that's pretty good after all. It just sounded like he wanted some flags and bunting. Theon smiles, because I guess he likes to see some action. Luwin goes off to do some banner-calling and Theon asks Robb is afraid. Robb looks at his trembling hand and allows as how he appears to be. "Good. Means you're not stupid." I think he could still be stupid. Just not for that reason.
A wide shot of Winterfell shows thousands of crows ascending into the sky and going in all directions. This is probably supposed to be ominous or portentious or something, but it doesn't work on me. See, I work at a place that's directly in a crow migration path or something, so twice a year there are thousands of crows making a racket in the parking lot for a week. It was cool and horror-movie-like at first, but now I'm just used to it. So my reaction to this shot was basically, "Oh, is it October already?"
Up in The Eyrie, Sansa's note was apparently intercepted by Lysa. Or maybe she had a different note, because all we know about it is that it says that Ned has been thrown in the dungeon and Catelyn is mad about not being told. Lysa says that she's practicing patience, but Cat is spoiling for war. Doesn't Lysa remember that Ned is her cousin by marriage or something? Lysa says that family is very important to her, which is underscored by her creepy kid announcing that he's hungry and picking at her bodice for some breast-feeding. Incidentally, I'm told the kid's name is "Robert," not "Robyn." [Ed. Note: This seems to have changed from the book, where he's Robert, but the official HBO materials are listing him by the name Robin. ] But Lysa calls him "Robin" and I enjoy the idea that everyone in the Arryn family has a gratuitous "Y" in their names. So if it bothers you, just assume I'm using a nickname. Anyway, Lysa makes it clear that she will not be contributing any soldiers to the defense of House Stark, and then, in order to get Robyn off her, sends him off to get ready to be bathed. By her. Erk. Lysa makes it clear that she's learned to fear the Lannisters, what with Jon Arryn being dead and Bran being tossed from that window. And now Ned being in prison and Cersei being "Queen Regent." As a result, "The Knights of the Vale will stay in the Vale where they belong, to protect their lord!" I kind of hope Robyn is allowed to grow up in peace, because I think he's going to be a creepier lord than Joffrey has any shot at.
Tyrion and Bronn stroll through a lovely trail. Tyrion is whistling a jaunty tune, which makes Bronn worry about their safety. Apparently these hills are full of Hill People. And you know how dangerous those can be. Tyrion does not seem worried at all and cheerfully asks what Bronn's interested in: "Gold? Women? Golden women?" He says that he trusts Bronn, because he's clearly Bronn's meal ticket. Bronn, in a bid to maintain his independence, says, "I'm not your toady, and I'm not your friend" Tyrion's fine with that, because he mostly wants Bronn around to murder people to whom he objects. He also requests that Bronn remember that should someone try to turn him against Tyrion, Tyrion will beat any price.
Tyrion sleeps by the fire. Then Bronn wakes him up, because the Hill People are approaching. Those darn Hill People! Tyrion continues to be cheerful, inviting the unseen approachers to share their fire and their goat. The Hill People finally make themselves seen, and the tallest one, in a silly Viking-inspired hat, announces that he is Shagga, son of Dolph. He announces that basically every other sentence. He's also leader of the Stone Crows, although it's not entirely clear if there are any other Stone Crows present. He might have just invented his own gang to be leader of. Tyrion pleasantly introduces himself as Tyrion, son of Tywin. Shagga (son of Dolph) asks how Tyrion would like to die, and the answer involves being old, in bed, and in the process of receiving fellatio. That's a little cruel to whoever was being nice enough to fellate an aged dwarf, but it's enough to amuse Shagga. So he announces that the "half-man" can dance for the children, but the other one will be killed. Tyrion offers gold instead. No dice. Tyrion tries to get some street cred by pointing out that he stands out in the open, unlike the Stone Crows who creep around in the dark. And then he mocks their weapons and armor, saying that Lannister smiths shit better steel. This results in Shagga slicing Tyrions face with his axe and mocking the idea that Tyrion can win them over with trinkets. Tyrion clarifies the difference between trinkets (like this ring, which is worth more than Shagga's entire tribe, which he hands over without hesitating) and the things he's offering. Specifically, he's offering the entire Vale of Arryn. The current Lords of the Vale were intolerably rude to Tyrion, so he believes it's time for someone new to be in charge. Shagga seems interested now.
Samwell and Jon Snow idly disassemble some animals for the night's dinner. Alliser Thorne, that jerk trainer who has decided to spend all his time harassing Jon, comes up and smirks at them. He says, "Not only a bastard, but a traitor's bastard." There's a long pause, then Snow goes for him with a knife. He's held back, but Thorne still treats this as a victory: "Blood will always tell. You'll hang for this, bastard." He leaves, and Mormont walks in. "I told you not to do anything stupid. You're confined to quarters. Go."
Snow mopes in bed, which is what you do when you've been grounded. He's probably also writing stories in his head about how cruelly he has been treated. Behind him, Ghost whines and paws at the door. Snow decides that somebody must be out there, because he has just that much faith in Ghost. And also because he's willing to take any excuse for sneaking out of his room. So out they go! Ghost runs and Snow follows. Up stairs, down stairs, and so on until they get to a door. We know it's Commander Mormont's door because calls, "Commander!" before going inside. If he really is just trying to sneak out of his room, he's going to exactly the wrong place. He makes Ghost stay while he investigates further, which I think is poor planning. If there's something dangerous, don't you want the monster-sized dire wolf to come with you? And look! The door slams shut right behind him, cutting him off from his wolf. Nice going, dummy. And now he's being attacked by Othor, who is supposed to be dead. Snow stabs Othor in the stomach a lot, but nothing happens. He cuts off Othor's right hand, but Othor has him by the left. He finally gets a good thrust all the way through Othor's torso, and Othor falls. Commander Mormont comes out to find out what's going on. Othor stands back up, and Snow grabs Mormont's oil lamp and throws it. Finally, Othor is on fire and appears to be out of the fight for good.
Wow, things are going poorly in King's Landing. People are running amok, pulling down giant stone statues, rounding slaves into pens... wait, these are the Dothraki. Well, this seems pretty much business-as-usual, then. Luckily for us, Jorah is here to narrate to Daenerys and we get to listen in and find out what's going on. Khal Drogo's men are enslaving "lamb men," which they will give to slavers, who will give them gold. And then Khal Drogo, even though he doesn't officially believe in money, will trade the gold for ships, silk, and steel. That sounds a lot like someone who, if he doesn't believe in money, at least understands how it works. For that matter, it sounds like these slavers are pretty lazy. Doesn't their name sound like they ought to be doing the enslaving themselves? I guess that's not a job you get into if you're keen on doing everything yourself. Dany stops when they reach the spot where all the women are being rounded up for raping. She wants Jorah to stop them from getting raped. The one whose raping turn is being interrupted objects on the grounds that they're only lamb girls. In his view, being raped by a mighty Horse Man like himself should only honor her. He conjectures that maybe the problem is that her piteous shrieks are annoying Dany, so he offers to cut out her tongue. Strangely, this does not satisfy Dany, and she insists that the raping stop immediately. She claims all the women as her personal slaves, which does not endear her to the men. Jorah tells her that she's not actually authorized to claim everyone, but she says that she's doing exactly that.
Oh my! Someone sounds very angry! And they're using the word "khaleesi" a lot, so it's clearly someone registering an HR complaint with Khal Drogo. Drogo tells Danaerys that Mago here says she took his spoils. Before we get to Dany's response, I'd like to mention that Drogo is sitting to an impressive mound of severed heads. Okay, now that that's out of the way, Dany admits it. She did, in fact, claim "many daughters" so they "cannot be mounted." Drogo says that the women are slaves, with which the Dothraki traditionally do as they please. Dany says that her particular pleasure involves keeping the women safe. And if the men want to rape them, they need to marry them first. This goes over about as well as you'd think, because apparently men don't get into the raping-and-pillaging lifestyle because they want to settle down. Or, as Drogo symbolically puts it, the horse does not lay down with the lamb. Dany is perfectly willing to talk in the language of totem animals, of course, so her answer is, "The dragon feeds on horse and lamb alike." Drogo's enjoying this. Mago is not, and he tells Dany that she's a foreigner who does not command him. She says that as khaleesi, she does too command him. Drogo's had enough and tells Mago to "find somewhere else to stick your cock."
So naturally it's now time for a fight. Mago says that Drogo is no Khal, and he pulls out some kind of sickle. Drogo's personal guards step forward to deal with him, but Drogo calls them off. He cuts himself on the chest with his giant sword that's kind of like a Bat'leth from this angle. Then he drops his sword and starts telling Mago how dead he is: "I will not have your body burned. I will not give you that honor. The beetles will feed on your eyes. The worms will crawl through your body. The rain will all on your rotting skin until nothing is left of you but bones." This whole time, Drogo is pulling out weapons and dropping them to the ground. Mago swipes at Drogo with his sickle, but Drogo is surprisingly nimble and avoids him. Then he manages, without weapons, to kill Mago, reach through his neck, and pull out his tongue. He tosses the tongue on the pile of heads and sits down, presumably pretty satisfied with himself.
Dany, who has been watching all this with a mix of satisfaction and raw lust, rushes up to panic over Drogo's cut. He claims that it's just a flesh wound, and I again think that if you want me to take a medieval-style fantasy seriously, you should avoid any references that make me think of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Dany asks if any of her new crop of slaves would happen to be one of those old-timey healing women you sometimes get. Oh, how convenient! One of them steps forward and (after Dany insists she be allowed to speak) says she's the godswife of the temple. She knows how to make healing smokes and ointments. And a lot of other things, too, which she lists until Drogo's man backhands her. Drogo thinks this is dumb, but Dany says it hurts her to see him hurt, so he's willing to let his wound be washed and sown.
Robb is running a meeting among his father's bannermen. A noisy guy named "The Greatjon" says he's been making men into corpses for thirty years, and should therefore be leading the vanguard. Robb picks someone else, and the Greatjon throws a Greathissyfit. He stands up and shouts that he'll just take his men and go home, if that's the way Robb is going to run things. Robb says that when he's done with Joffrey, he'll root out the Greatjon and kill him for an oathbreaker. I need to remember that phrase, because it's exactly the sort of thing I like to declaim in the middle of a game of Diplomacy. The Greatjon calls Robb "a boy so green he pisses grass" and goes for his sword. But just then! Robb's dire wolf jumps onto the table, runs up to the Greatjon and bites off a couple of fingers. The Greatjon goes down and everyone looks a little thrown. Robb says that his lord father taught him that it was death to raise steel against your lord, but doubtless the Greatjon was just going to cut his meat for him. The Greatjon seems to take some time deciding how to respond, but he ends up shouting that Robb's meat is bloody tough. And then he laughs in a way that is intended to make us think he's just a big, jolly guy who doesn't mind being savaged by a dire wolf if it was in the line of duty. A kid looks confused. I think it's Rickon Stark, the practically invisible youngest child.
Bran's in bed when Robb comes to see him. He's a little whiny about Robb leaving in the middle of the night like this. Robb explains that he has to sneak out at night because Lannisters spies only work during the day or something. I guess you don't become the richest family in the Seven Kingdoms by paying your spies overtime. Bran wants to at least go with him, but Robb says there must always be a Stark at Winterfell. Even if that Stark is eight years old (or whatever; he's a kid, is my point) and can't walk. Robb tells him stay within the castle walls, listen to Maester Luwin, and to look after Rickon. And don't be scared. Okay, bye! Robb leaves. As soon as he's gone, Rickon comes in and says that everyone's gone away. Bran says they'll come back, but Rickon, in tones taken directly from Carrie Henn's performance as "Newt" in Aliens, says, "No, they won't." I bet he's right, too.
Bran is out at the Godswood, praying. Wait, is the Godswood technically inside the walls of the castle? Or has he already broken the rules? Sheesh. This whole family is crazy. Anyway, he would like the Godswood to watch over Robb and the other men from Winterfell. Crazy Lady comes up, and we see that her ankles are manacled together. Bran's startled to see there, but she explains that the old gods are her gods, too. And even slaves are allowed to pray. Bran says she's not a slave. The chains are just there because her friend held a knife to Bran's throat, you see. Anyway, she says the old gods are answering him in the form of the wind in the leaves. I'm not sure how helpful that is. She also says that the men are going in the wrong direction, because the real trouble is north, not south. The old gods don't have any power in the south, because there aren't enough trees. And then Hodor shows up, all naked and flappin' in the breeze. Hi, Hodor! Crazy Lady is delighted to see him and thinks he's got some giant blood in him. Bran tells Hodor to go put some clothes on. Yeah, Hodor. Hodor says, "Hodor." She tells Bran, "The cold winds are rising." Bran, somehow, does not tell her that winter is coming. I mean, if there's one thing the Starks should be good at talking about, it's the imminent presence of cold weather.
Up at The Wall, they're diligently burning the bodies. What a good idea! Sam says they were touched by White Walkers, which explains things a little. Although I was under the impression that they were White Walkers. I mean, we saw Othor walking a little, and he was awfully pale. So it seemed like he fit the description. Sam also knows that fire is the only thing that will stop the walking corpses. He learned this from a very old book in Maester Aemon's library, and everyone is suddenly very interested in what else might have been in this book. This seems like the sort of thing they could covered during Basic Wall Training. Anyway, here we go: the White Walkers sleep beneath the ice for thousands of years, and when they wake up... "I hope the Wall's high enough," says Sam.
Catelyn and Sideburns arrive at the Stark encampment. Sideburns points out the summer snow, which I still don't entirely accept. Keep your zombie and dragon skulls; I want an explanation for how years and seasons work in here. Down in the tents, Robb reports that the river lords are falling back with Jaime at their heels, and that Tywin is bringing another Lannister army up from the south. This sort of detailed war recap is hard to make interesting, and I speak as someone who has spent hours trying to make people listen to the way I won a game of Risk 2010. Catelyn enters, and Robb is taken aback. And she's a little taken aback to see her little boy planning a war. She announces that she'd like to speak to her son alone, and the Greatjon makes a huge show of hustling everyone out, including Theon, who probably thought he got to stick around. The Greatjon goes off to have manly reminiscences with Sideburns.
Robb tells Catelyn that there was no one else to run the army, and she points out that the tent was full of men who have led armies all over the place. But he won't be sent back to Winterfell. They look over his note from Sansa (Cersei: "From the Queen, you mean.") There's no mention of Arya, which could be taken as good news or bad news. Robb says that he has eighteen thousand men, which sounds like a lot. He briefly brings up the idea of going down to King's Landing to actually bow to Joffrey, but Cersei's pretty sure he'd never get back out alive. So it's definitely war. And if Robb loses, he gets the same thing that happened to the Targaryens: his entire family will be butchered and enslaved. That should probably be "butchered or enslaved," right? Cersei continues to elaborate, "If you lose, your father dies. Your sisters die. WE die." Robb shrugs, "Well, that makes it simple, then."
Sidebar: Where are those jerks who complained that nothing ever happens on this show? We're in episode eight and the king's dead and we've got a full-on war happening! That's more than ever happened on The Honeymooners.
Tyrion, Bronn, and a bunch of Stone Crows come up on the red tents. Shagga threatens that if he doesn't get his weapons and armor, he'll cut off Tyrion's manhood, which Tyrion interrupts with, "and feed it to the goats, yes." Clearly he's been threatening that a lot. Okay, everyone's going together into the Lannister encampment. Tyrion sighs, "Okay. Time to meet my father." By the way, I'd just like to point out that Tyrion was dropped in a hostile wilderness with no money, no weapons, and only one surly retainer. And he walked out the other side with an army at his back. That, in my opinion, is pretty damn heroic. I mean, yes, he paid for his army with credit, but still. It shows resourcefulness and spirit.
Tyrion and his goons stroll through the encampment, which seems like a failure of Camp Security. I realize that everyone knows who Tyrion is, but someone should at least challenge Shagga.
Tywin Lannister does not seem overly surprised to see his son and a bunch of scruffy Stone Crows enter his tent. He just says, "Tyrion." Tyrion, not to be out-cooled, answers, "Uncle. Father." I should clarify that there's another man in the tent, which is the person to whom the "Uncle" was addressed. Tywin is not, as far as I know, Tyrion's father and uncle. I guess it's not out of the question, though. Tywin somehow channels Mark Twain and comments that rumors of Tyrion's demise were unfounded. Tyrion apologizes for disappointing him and introduces his goons, starting with Shagga, son of Dolph. Then there's Somebody, son of Somebody Else and Someone, daughter of Someone Else. He ends with Bronn, son of... he trails off. Bronn says that Tywin wouldn't know him. Tyrion sits at Tywin's table and thanks him for going to war for him. Tywin artfully moves the pitcher away from Tyrion's grasping hands and says he didn't have much of a choice. Tywin starts to give a status report (Jaime is laying siege to Riverrun, which, since it hasn't appeared in the opening credits, I can't process), but Tyrion is significantly behind the times and has to be told that Robert Baratheon is dead and that Joffrey rules in King's Landing. "My sister rules, you mean," says Tyrion. Anyway, Tywin isn't particularly worried about this war, because his opponent is Robb Stark, who he expects to run back to Winterfell after his first taste of battle. Tyrion's actually met Robb and tells Tywin that he's actually pretty belligerent. Tywin, in Tyrion's opinion, would like him. Tywin smiles a tiny, tiny bit.
Tyrion now has to call in his debt (which Lannisters always pay) and ask his father to hand over giant piles of armor and weapons to people like Shagga, son of Dolph. But when he's right in the middle of that, news comes in that Robb is attacking. Naturally, this is described thusly: "The wolf rushes into the lion's jaws." Man, these people and their animals. I wonder how far I'd get if I started insisting that people call me something. I guess I'd have to pick an animal first. Anyway, Tywin asks Shagga to ride with him against his enemies. Shagga's only willing to do it if "the halfman" goes with them, because he's their collateral. Tyrion is stealing that pitcher that Tywin was hiding, and Tywin seems okay with Tyrion riding into battle with them.
Back to the Starks. They have a choice between attacking Tywin or Jaime. Beating Jaime would release Riverrun from the siege, and beating Tywin would presumably do something else strategic. And either way, they need to cross the river at The Twins. week's opening credits had better cover all this. Oh! You know what I just realized? The map is at the beginning of the episode, the same way that in a lot of fantasy novels, the map is at the beginning of the book. I was just about to say, "I can't turn back to the beginning of the episode the way I would with a book," but I kind of can. Let's move on. The bridge at the river is controlled by a Lord Frey, whose charming soubriquet is "The Late Lord Frey." I guess he might be undead or something. That's kind of ominous, right? He's also one of the Stark bannermen, but "Some men take their oaths more seriously than others."
The discussion has to be paused when a guard drags a Lannister scout into the tent. Into the command tent? With the official War Plan Map on the table? That seems like a poor policy. Robb covers the map, but Greatjon points out that the spy won't leave the tent with his head. That's a fair point, I guess. He was in the brush, counting troops. And he says he got as far as twenty thousand. Given that that's two thousand more than Robb actually has, I think the Lannisters should consider educating their scouts a little better. Start with intensive courses in "counting" and "hiding better." Robb says that his father understands honor, mercy, and courage. Then he surprises everyone by saying, "Let him go." Cat stands, but Robb looks her back down. He turns back to the scout: "Tell Lord Tywin winter is coming for him. Twenty thousand northerners marching for him to find out if he really does shit gold." The scout leaves. Greatjon is furious. "Are you touched, boy? Lettin' him go?" Robb looks him in the eye. "Call me boy again. Go on." The Greatjon backs down. Seems pretty obvious, doesn't it? Robb is letting the scout go back to Tywin Lannister with inaccurate information. Now Tywin will expect twenty thousand coming for him when eighteen thousand are really going after Jaime. Good solid generalship right there.
King's Landing: Ned's still in prison.
And Joffrey's on the throne. And he's delivering pronouncements in a kingly fashion, meaning that he has a minion reading them out for him. Joffrey's job is to sit up there and look regal. First up, Janos Slynt, commander of the City Watch, is raised to the rank of Lord, which will be passed down through his descendants until the end of time. , "in the place of the traitor, Eddard Stark," there's a new Hand of the King: Tywin Lannister. The king's chief advisor is his own grandfather? Lastly, because there's a lot of treason and turmoil, Ser Barristan Selmy is called forward by Cersei. He claims to be hers to command, but she tells him to take off his helmet. Then she tells him he's retired. This doesn't go over well, because he says that the Kingsguard (which he was in charge of until ten seconds ago) is for life. Cersei points out that at least one life is over, since Selmy failed to protect Robert from that boar that killed him. So the new Lord Commander of the King's Guard is Jaime Lannister. Selmy is outraged, since Jaime killed Aerys Targaryen while he was supposed to be guarding him. Now that I think about it, it's possible that Jaime was part of the Kingsguard. I guess it's normally "for life or until you kill the king." Varys tells Selmy he'll be given a handsome keep and some loyal retainers, which Selmy translates as "A hall to die in, and men to bury me." He announces that he will die a knight and starts taking off his armor. Littlefinger suggests that he'll be a naked knight. Then Selmy pulls out his sword, so the guards do the same. So far on this show, the combatant with the worse weapon and armor has done the best. Bronn vs. that guy in The Eyrie. Drogo vs. Mago earlier in this episode. I guess Syrio might not have survived, but I like to think he won. We didn't see a body, anyway. Selmy tells the guards, "Even now I could cut through the five of you like carving a cake. Then he throws his sword down and tells Joffrey to melt it down and add it to the others. He leaves.
That's the end of the planned announcements. Anyone else? Yes! Sansa creeps forward and would like to speak. She's announced formally as "Lady Sansa of House Stark." I think that's the first time I've heard her called "Lady Sansa." She nervously but formally asks for mercy for her father. This prompts some pontificating along the lines of how treason is a noxious weed that must be torn out, but Joffrey wants to hear her out. She agrees that her father must be punished, but argues that he never wanted to be Hand in the first place. And what about his conspiring with Renly and Stannis? She suggests that they lied to him. She's trying to paint a picture of Ned as an incredibly naive person, which isn't actually all that far off. Joffrey gets to the thing that he actually objects to: "He said I wasn't the king. Why did he say that?" Sansa turns out to be a pretty good advocate, because she points out that Ned had been injured (without mentioning who did that) and had been given the milk of the poppy. So he was all hopped up on poppy-juice, Your Majesty! He didn't know what he was saying! Varys pretends to be touched by her sweet, innocent faith. Pycelle takes a stronger tack: "Treason. Is. Treason." Joffrey asks if she has anything else, and she goes for broke, appealing to the kindness he feels in his heart. He considers, then announces that her sweet words have moved him. Except that Ned has to admit that Joffrey is king, "or there'll be no mercy for him." Sansa promises, "He will."
Okay, obviously Sansa is obnoxiously naive and would probably sell out her entire family to get to have a royal wedding. But I think she did a great job there. She presented a line of argument that would allow Joffrey (and Cersei) to let Ned out of prison without losing face, and if Ned would accept it, he might actually get to go home. Obviously he might not want Joffrey to be king, and obviously he might not think Joffrey ought to be king, but it's hard to argue against the fact that Joffrey is king. He's up there on the throne, issuing pronouncements! All Ned has to do is shrug, admit that he lost, and tell Joffrey he was in a poppy-fueled daze. It doesn't seem like he's going to do that, but Sansa did a great job identifying the line of play that could save him.
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