Episode Report Card Monty Ashley: A+ | 4 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Thunk!
By Monty Ashley | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 05.22.2011
Lysa Arryn is a little skeptical as she looks down at Tyrion from her fancy throne. It looks like her throne is made out of a tree. Not like "chopped down and turned into wood" but "carefully grown in sort of a throne shape." Between this and the Iron Throne, I'm starting to wonder if anyone in this world has a throne that's just a comfy place to sit. Hers does have a place for Robyn to sit next to her, because God forbid he ever be more than two feet away from her.
She's smug about how the "sky cells" break everybody. So Tyrion launches into a long list of his crimes, which include lying, cheating, gambling, and whoring. He has an anecdote about a servant girl's bouncy breasts. Then he launches into a story that contains the following euphemisms for masturbation: "milking the eel," "flogging the one-eyed snake," "skinning the sausage," and "making the bald man cry." All of which he did into some turtle stew, which Cersei then ate. He then launches into a story about bringing a jackass into a brothel, but Lysa cuts him off. Robyn would like to hear the rest of the story (because it was probably going to be pretty entertaining), but that is not to be. The only other person who seemed to be enjoying Tyrion's stories was Bronn, the sellsword who helped Catelyn drag Tyrion here. I mostly mention that because I looked up his name and want to start calling him "Bronn" right away.
Lysa reminds Tyrion that the crimes she's interested in are the murder of Jon Arryn and the attempted murder of Bran Stark. Tyrion says he didn't do either of those things, and then orates about justice and getting a fair trial. Lysa thinks a trial sounds delightful, because if Tyrion's found guilty, he gets the Moon Door, which is a big hole in the floor that reveals that there's nothing underneath the throne room. It just drops straight down thousands of feet. I'm not sure it's a good idea to have one of those in the middle of the floor like that. Anyway, Lysa figures that since Robyn's the one who's going to deliver the verdict, the trial will be pretty short. But Tyrion has a twist for her! He wants a trial by combat. Which is something they apparently have here. Lysa is immediately inundated by armored gentlemen who just can't wait to kill Tyrion for her. Robyn shouts, "MAKE THE BAD MAN FLY!" but I'm not convinced that he hates Tyrion so much as he just likes seeing people dropped through the Moon Door. She picks a knight who was almost the only one in the room who wasn't waving his hand yelling "Me! Pick me! I wanna do it!" The knight points out that there isn't a great deal of glory in killing someone half his size, but that's okay. Because Tyrion would also like a champion to fight for him. Specifically, his brother Jaime, who can probably be here in a week or so. This proposal is rejected by Lysa, who says that the trial has to be today. Oh, right, Tyrion's been stuck in the Sky Cell for untold weeks, but now we're on a schedule? Tyrion asks the room if there's a volunteer to fight for him. Everyone laughs. But then Bronn steps forward, saying, "I'll fight for the dwarf."
Robert trudges through the forest carrying a lance. This is what hunting looks like? He's accompanied by Renly and Selmy, thus challenging everyone's ability to tell the difference between people with very similar names. Selmy is the old one and Renly is Robert's younger brother who had that chest-shaving scene with the Knight of the Flowers last week. Lancel Lannister is also along, but he's not an official hunter. I think he's basically Robert's caddy. Robert wants to talk about sex with Riverland girls, which, to his disappointment, Renly has not done. Apparently, back in Robert's disreputable youth, the thing to do was to have a girl from each of the seven kingdoms, plus the Riverlands. It was called "Making the Eight." Renly has not made the eight. Neither has Selmy. There's no point asking Lancel. Robert goes on about the good old days and Renly takes offense. Apparently these "good old days" were when Westeros was at war with itself and had a Mad King and there were dragons everywhere. Renly stomps off into the forest, leaving Robert in a rage. Lancel scurries up and gives Robert more wine. Selmy eyes Lancel.
Ned sits on the Iron Throne, ready to dispense some justice in the king's name. He's flanked by Littlefinger and Pycelle, who are in slightly lower chairs that look a lot more comfortable. The first issue is that someone has been burning fields, homes, and granaries in the Riverlands. Oh no! Not the granaries! Also, they covered children in pitch and lit them on fire. I guess Riverlands children aren't flammable enough to ignite on their own. Anyway, the mysterious marauders weren't thieves, because they didn't take anything. In fact, they left something behind: a big pile of fish. The complainants have brought the fish to the court, which I'm not sure was strictly necessary. How far are the Riverlands from King's Landing? If it's more than a day or so, carrying around a load of fish probably smelled a lot. Littlefinger leans back and says, "Fish. The sigil of House Tully. Isn't that your wife's house? Tully? My Lord Hand?" It seems like Littlefinger is probably more sure than he sounds, since he's still in love with Catelyn.
Ned asks some more questions and establishes that the baddies weren't waving a giant banner, which would have been awfully obliging of them. However, one of them was extremely tall and cut the blacksmith in two. He also decapitated a horse, so it's obviously Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane. Littlefinger leans back and reminds Ned that the Mountain is sometimes called "Tywin Lannister's mad dog." He asks, "Can you think of any reason the Lannisters might have for being angry with your wife?" Ned glares at him and decides it's time to make a pronouncement. He calls forward a lord to assemble a hundred men and ride to Ser Gregor's keep. The Mountain is stripped of his title (by which he means "Ser," not "The Mountain," presumably. Because "The Mountain" isn't a name you can strip from someone) and sentenced to death.
Pycelle thinks this is hasty, what with the actual king being out of town. Ned also wants a raven sent to Casterly Rock to notify Tywin Lannister that he must come to King's Landing and answer for the Mountain's crimes. Or else he'll be branded a traitor. So I guess that truce between the Starks and the Lannisters isn't going to come off exactly as Robert was hoping.
That's the end of court, and Littlefinger has a brief confab with Ned. He thinks Ned's being both bold and admirable, but possibly not wise. Ah! I learned this from Yes, Minister: if you want a politician not to do something, you tell him he's being very brave. But Ned's not a politician. Littlefinger tells him, "Gold wins wars. Not soldiers." Ned points out that Robert is king, not Tywin. So that means he has confidence in Robert's ways of doing things? Because I'm not sure "The Seven Management Secrets of Robert Baratheon" would contain much except drinkin', whorin', and killin'. And that leaves you missing four management secrets.
The Moon Door is staying open for Tyrion's trial. And that trial is taking the form of him standing there and watching Bronn fight against Lysa's handpicked knight. Robyn initiates the festivities by screaming, "FIIIIIIIIGHT!" The knight is armored and has a helmet and a shield. Bronn is dressed much more lightly. The knight chases after Bronn, who backs away, hopping over railings and knocking things over. Onlookers are getting impatient with this plan. Especially when Bronn throws an onlooker in the way of the knight. At one point, Bronn is backed up against the Moon Door, but he escapes for another trip around the room. Lysa tells the knight to quit screwing around and finish Bronn off. The knight rolls his eyes a tiny bit and lowers the visor of his helmet. He goes in for the kill, but Bronn slices him up the torso. The knight gets to his feet and charges, but Bronn steps aside and trips him. He kicks away that shield and grabs the knight's hand. He takes a moment to look around at the assemb