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First things first: yes, there are boobs. Also butts and a couple of people say "fuck." So HBO is definitely on the case.
Now, there are a lot of characters, so let's do some introductions. Lord Eddard Stark and Lady Catelyn Stark rule over Winterfell, where they have children named Bran (young boy with a mullet), Arya (young girl with a penchant for archery), Sansa (less-young girl who likes boys), and Robb (I don't think he did anything interesting in this episode). They've also got Jon Snow, who is a bastard. And he's pretty touchy about it. Also, there's supposed to be a baby named Rickon, but I didn't see him at all.
They are visited by the king, who brings along a squad of Lannisters, including his queen Cersei, her (male) twin Jaime, and their brother Tyrion, who is a dwarf. He claims not to be touchy about it, but I wouldn't push it.
Meanwhile, on another continent, we've got some Targaryens. They're a white-haired jerk named Viserys and his sister Danaerys. The Targaryens want to take the throne back, so Viserys is marrying Danaerys off to a big, shirtless savage.
That's most of the people, so here's what happens in the pilot. First, Lady Stark's brother-in-law Jon Arryn, who used to be the Hand of the King, is dead. So the king wants Lord Stark to take the job, and also for Sansa to marry his son Prince Joffrey. Stark's decision is complicated by the story that the Lannisters might have killed Jon Arryn. But he decides to take the job anyway.
Then Bran, who is climbing the castle walls, sees Cersei and Jaime Lannister having twincestuous sex, so Jaime throws him out a very high window.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!I was going to recap the whole publication history of the Song of Ice and Fire books, so that everyone would have some context for this show. But then I decided that might involve more research than I was willing to do, which was basically "hit a Wikipedia page." So: the first book in the series was 15 years ago, and it was called A Game of Thrones. Since then, four more books have come out, the most recent being six years ago. The one is allegedly due out on July 12, but I don't think anyone is entirely confident about that. And then there are two books after that. And they're all really long. So you'll find people who will tell you that this is the greatest fantasy series of all time, but keep in mind that reading it is something of a major life decision.
Okay! Enough talk about books. Let's get this thing going. We start with the sight of a metal gate opening. As it rises, we have plenty of time to think about what we're getting ourselves into. The metal gate represents patience. Or the fall of international Communism. Or the Teapot Dome scandal. Or something. Look, I just thought it would be fun to try to make up some kind of bogus symbology for the story. You know, the way some people claim that The Wizard of Oz is about the gold standard. But it turns out that's harder than it looks. Especially if you try to do it on a minute-by-minute basis. Eventually, the gate gets out of the way and we get to see three dudes dressed in black furs. They ride their black horses through a tunnel that appears to be dug through solid ice. At the end, there's another gate. They ride out and dump their torches in a convenient torch bucket. The tunnel turns out to have been through an enormous wall of ice. It's probably not all made of ice, since it's got a lot of snow on it and appears to be a couple hundred feet high and stretches off into the horizon.
These three men don't have names. Well, they have names in the book, but we're here to talk about the show. So: there's a young, arrogant, lordly one; a crusty, bearded one, and a twitchy one. I don't want to give out any spoilers here (well, aside from the basic concept of telling you everything that happens), but these guys aren't the stars of the show. So I'll be calling them Snooty, Beardy and Twitchy.
After they get through the tunnel and dump off their torches, they ride into a snow-covered forest (everything on this side of the wall is snow-covered) and split up. Twitchy creeps up to a mound of snow and peeps over it to see an abandoned campfire. Well, that's not so creepy. So he also sees a few human heads on sticks. Oh no! Those are supposed to be attached to human necks, not branches stuck in the snowy ground. There are a few human torsos, but they're limbless and headless, so they're pretty creepy too. I don't know if you saw the movie Thir13en Ghosts, but one of the ghosts in that was called "The Torso." It was just a torso wrapped in barbed wire. It wasn't that menacing (although I guess it would hurt if you tripped over it), but it was creepy. But the thing that makes it especially creepy is that the torsos and body parts appear to have been arranged in some kind of eldritch symbol. So, you know, this wasn't a case of a bunch of people being chopped up for no reason. Somebody needed an eldritch symbol on the ground and didn't have any sidewalk chalk. Twitchy backs up and turns around. And he comes face-to-face with what appears to be a young girl nailed to a tree. This is quite enough creepiness for him, and he bolts.
The three of them have reunited and Snooty doesn't care about Twitchy's problems. He's clearly read that the secret of leadership is to be condescending and sarcastic, so he heaps scorn upon Twitchy. And upon Beardy, who thinks they should go back to the wall. Snooty wants to go check things out, which honestly doesn't sound like that bad an idea. I'm not sure exactly what their job is, but I'm pretty sure they're supposed to check out massacre sites, no matter how creepy they are. Twitchy moans that they (whoever "they" are) even killed the children, which gives Snooty a chance to think himself clever as he points out that the three of them are not children. Incidentally, Snooty has much nicer furs than the other two. He orders Twitchy up onto his horse so they can go investigate.
When they reach the clearing, it is significantly less creepy, thanks to the absence of heads mounted on sticks, dismembered torsos, and girls nailed to trees. Snooty continues to work on his sarcasm, suggesting that the dead men seem to have moved camp. Beardy has the air of someone who's ready for action. He appears to expect an imminent attack from somewhere. Twitchy wanders back to the horses while Snooty strolls around the clearing and tries out bemused looks. The trees are ominously silent as Twitchy looks around, um, twitchily. Beardy digs in the snow and finds some viscera about an inch down. Snooty asks what he's found, but a spooky thing rises behind him and kills him before he can hear the answer. So much for Snooty!
The horses run. Twitchy looks around and sees the little girl from the tree, walking around. She's looking much better, but not any less creepy. Twitchy runs. Beardy also runs. They are both running through the trees while being chased by, um, things. The things are probably also running. Twitchy stops and sees Beardy. Then he sees a fiendish thingy decapitate Beardy with a sword. Beardy's head is tossed in front of Twitchy, and I see that it doesn't have that much of a beard after all. I guess I could have called him "Stubbly" instead. It's "Heady" now, though.
With two dead characters in the first ten minutes, it's time for some credits. And lovely credits they are, too! They're either stop-motion animation or a CGI imitation thereof. It's mostly a map, and we see places called King's Landing, Winterfell, The Wall, and a place we can't really read the name of. Basically, the far north is covered in snow, then there's The Wall, and Winterfell is sort of close to that. King's Landing is much farther south, and the other place appears to be on a different continent altogether, although it's not all that far away. Nobody will blame you if you don't commit the terrain to memory.
Because of how medieval fantasy works, horses ride over a lovely green hill. They're chasing Twitchy, who is not equipped with a horse of his own. Also, he looks sketchier than ever, so these guys with pole-arms have no trouble stopping him. He doesn't put up a fight.
Judging by the onscreen title, we now shift our attention to Winterfell. That's the castle over there (this is me painting a picture with words. It's supposed to make you imagine an "over there" with a castle in it).
In the castle's courtyard, a boy with a mullet practices with a bow and arrow while two young men watch him. He's not very good, but one of his watchers ells him to act brave because his father and mother are watching. And there they are! The father is large and bearded, while the mother is neither of those things. The boy adopts a stern attitude. Meanwhile, in a room full of women-folk where a young woman is being praised, a girl is sullenly practicing cross-stitch. She keeps looking around at the sound of the archery, and it is clear where her sympathies lie. Back out in the courtyard, the boy's pure accuracy is causing a certain amount of laughter among the usual people who are hanging out in courtyards. The father scolds them all, asking, "And which one of you was a marksman at ten? Keep practicing, Bran." Make a note of that: the boy with the mullet is named "Bran." He gets more advice, along the lines of "Don't think too much" and "Relax your bow arm" He lines up a shot and we see an arrow hits the bulls-eye. It was shot from behind Bran, by the girl from the cross-stitch class. She curtseys, and Bran gives chase. Everyone has a good laugh.
Someone enters to give the name "Lord Stark" to the father. He's distracting because he's got white sideburns that are so long that he's tied them together under his chin. I think that's a direct challenge to cosplayers. You like this show? Start growing your sideburns, big talker. And it would help if you were pretty fat. Come to think of it, maybe it's good that there are characters that fat, hairy guys can come close to duplicating. Anyway, Sideburns tells Lord Stark that they've captured a deserter from the Night's Watch. And he tells Lady Stark (who he names "Cat") that it's the law. She calls Lord Stark "Ned," which is a little informal for me. She would like Bran to stop practicing the warlike arts because he's just a boy. Lord Stark answers, "He won't be a boy forever. And winter is coming." She looks down.
Out in the fields and hills, there's a log with a convenient neck-sized notch. Two soldiers drag Twitchy up to it. He tells them, "I saw what I saw. I saw the white walkers." He was supposed to go back to the Wall and carry word of what happened to Beardy and Snooty, but instead decided to run away. He would also like work taken to his family that he's sorry. He's pushed down to the log so his neck is in decapitating position. Someone brings Lord Stark a HUGE GIANT SWORD. Seriously, this sword is Final Fantasy scale. One of the two young men I can't quite tell the different between tells Bran not to look away because, he says, "Father will know if you do." Lord Stark pronounces sentence on Twitchy, helpfully naming himself "Eddard Stark," and promptly chops off Twitchy's head. There was not hesitation there. He had a job to do and he did it. Bran's helpful advisor tells him he did well, and the other one leads Bran away. When Bran is getting ready to climb up on his horse, Lord Stark comes over to ask if Bran knows why Lord Stark had to do that personally. The answer is that "The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword," although Bran got half credit for "Our way is the old way." Lord Stark also says that the white walkers have been gone for thousands of years and appears to discount Twitchy's testimony on the grounds of excessive twitchiness.
Has there been enough violence or you? If not, you will be pleased to know that as the party heads back to the castle, they pass a stag with its guts ripped out. Lord Stark and the two young men speculate about what caused it. The suggestion of a mountain lion is rejected because there "aren't any in these woods." They file down a ravine and find an enormous dead wolf with some wolf-puppies crawling around inside it. It's a direwolf, which is a special kind of wolf that's larger and, um, more dire. There aren't supposed to be any direwolves south of The Wall, but one of the young men says there are five. He means the puppies. Direpuppies! He hands one to Bran, which immediately causes trouble when the adults decide to kill off the puppies. Bran wants to keep his puppy! The one who'd been giving Bran helpful advice (and a puppy!) addresses Eddard as "Lord Stark" and suggests that there are five Stark children (at this point, we only know Bran's name) and five direpuppies. And the direwolf is the sigil of House Stark, which seems like the sort of thing Lord Stark would already know. Stark rolls his eyes and tells his children they'll have to train, feed and walk their pets themselves. And because this is Downer Country, he adds that they'll have to bury the wolves themselves if they die. The one who suggested this doesn't get one because, he says, "I'm not a Stark." But then he finds a bonus puppy that's all white instead of grey like the other ones. "The runt of the litter," points out, um, someone. "That one's yours, Snow."
Okay, let's check the cast of characters. Lord Eddard Stark, Lady Cat Stark, five children, one of which is Bran. And this one's name is Snow and he's explicitly not a Stark. Got all that? Let's keep going!
Down to King's Landing, which is the Capital of the Seven Kingdoms. It has a bell tower! I don't know for sure that the bell tower is important, but it's the first thing we see, so I assume it's like the Eiffel Tower or Pike Place Market. That's the place in Seattle where they throw fish. My point is that whenever a television show goes to Seattle, it's the first thing they show. Just like this bell tower in King's Landing. Then we go where the action is, if by "action" you mean "monks in a giant hallway filled with candles and incense." That's what "action" means, right? Oh, skip it. There's a dead body here, which is important because there hasn't been any death for like two minutes. There are stones on his eyes, and the stones have large, comical eyes painted on them. It's less solemn than I was expecting, what with all the candles and monks.
Because it's a giant room, there are picturesque railings for people to watch the ceremony from. And that's exactly what's happening! A blonde lady is joined by a blonde gentleman, who informs her that he's her brother and that she worries too much. "And you never worry about anything," she answers. He once jumped off a cliff, you know. Their father scolded him, saying, "Lannisters don't act like fools." These, then, are Lannisters. She's worried that Jon Arryn might have told someone. Told them what? She doesn't say. But she does mention that her husband, the king, is someone that might have been told. Her brother feels confident that that didn't happen, since they're both still alive and not decapitated to decorate the front gates. The brother says, "And Robert will choose a new hand of the king, someone to do his job while he's out fucking boars and hunting whores. Or is it the other way around?" She thinks he should be the hand of the king, but he says, "Their days are too long; their lives are too short."
Back to Winterfell. A raven lands on one of the outside walls. Lady Stark finds Lord Stark in a lovely, green, tree-filled area. It might be a copse, but I'm not willing to commit to that. She tells him she still feels like an outsider here, but he says she's got five Northern children, which makes her basically a Northerner herself. The raven turns out to be the bearer of mail from the south. The news is that Jon Arryn is dead from a fever, and that King Robert is riding for Winterfell with The Queen and The Rest of Them. Lord Stark knows what he's after, and Lady Stark says, "You can always say no, Ned."
Maids and handmaidens and a general swarm of servants prepare for the royal visit. Lady Stark and some guy decide they'll need plenty of candles for Lord Tyrion's bedchamber, although there's a difference of opinion as to whether that's because he reads all night or because he drinks all night. I think it's just because he's from King's Landing, which, as we have just learned, is thick with candles. Oh, and here's something for the ladies: young men are standing around shirtless while one of them gets shaved with a straight razor. Snow gets a haircut, which arouses some ribbing from the other two shirtless guys. I hope you appreciate how rigorously I'm sticking to the rule of "only describe what's been on the show" here, because "some guy" is showing up way too much for my taste.
Bran is on a parapet watching the royal procession, which is approaching from the horizon. He runs along various precarious peaks in the pointy parts of the castle's roofs. When he gets back to the ground, we see that his direpuppy has grown up a bit. And there's his mother! Lady Stark yells at him about not climbing the walls. And she wants him to promise: No More Climbing. He promises. She informs him that he always looks at his feet before he lies. Bran runs off to tell Lord Stark that the king's coming. His puppy runs with him.
The Royal Procession arrives at the castle. That's what we needed: more people with unknown names. Great! There's a guy with a helmet shaped like a dog. I'm not sure how practical that is. There's also a blond boy with a Caesar cut. Lady Stark asks Sansa where Arya is. That helps us determine that Sansa is one of the daughters, specifically the one who was getting her cross-stitch praised. Arya is the tomboy, and she was wearing a helmet and watching the procession, generally tomboying it up. She takes her position to Bran. So the Stark family, laid out left to right, is: Bran (mullet), Arya (tomboy), Sansa (young woman who likes cross-stitch), unknown young man, Lord Eddard Stark, Lady Cat Stark, and unknown boy. The young man is one of the guys who's been hanging out with Snow. When the procession comes in, Sansa smiles at the kid with the Caesar cut, who's much too young for her in my opinion. He smiles at them, and the guy with the dog helmet opens it up and scowls. Not at anything in particular; I think he's meant to just be generally scowly. A large bearded kingly fellow rides in and everyone kneels. He gestures for Eddard to stand, and everyone does. "Your Grace," says Lord Stark. "You've got fat," answers the king. Lord Stark kind of glances at the king's own fatness. Laughter all around. The king greets Cat and tousles the hair of the unknown young boy. Lord Stark welcomes the king to Winterfell. As the queen gets out of the royal carriage, Arya asks Sansa where "the imp" is. "Will you shut up," Sansa explains.
The king moves down the line to the young man, telling him he must be Robb. Well, I'm not one to contradict the king, so Robb it is. We have names for four of the five Stark children! The king makes Bran show off his nonexistent muscles. When the brother from the King's Landing scene takes off his helmet, Arya helpfully tells Sansa that he's Jaime Lannister, the queen's twin brother. Sansa still wants Arya to shut up, but I find her helpful. Do you think she can find an excuse to tell someone the name of her little brother? Oh, the hell with it: it's Rickon. Rickon, Bran, Arya, Sansa, Robb. Okay? The queen looks around unhappily and comes over to have the king kiss her hand. He does so, then announces, "Take me to the crypt. I wanna show my respects." The queen is not thrilled about this, saying, "We've been riding for a month. Surely the dead can wait." Nope! With a "Ned!" the king is off, leaving the queen and Lady Stark staring at each other. Arya still wants to know where the imp is. The queen asks Jaime where their brother is and tells him to go find the little beast.
Lord Stark and the King walk through a torch-lined crypt. They reminisce about Jon Arryn and use the word "fuck" so you know it's HBO. The king, who I suspect prides himself on being blunt and direct, says, "I need you, Ned. Down at King's Landing. Not up here where you're no damn use to anybody. Lord Eddard Stark, I would name you the Hand of the King." Stark kneels and claims he's not worthy. The king's having none of that. "I'm not trying to honor you. I'm trying to get you to run my kingdom while I eat, drink and whore myself to an early grave. Dammit, Ned, stand up. You helped me win the Iron Throne, now help me keep the damn thing. We were meant to rule together. If your sister had lived, we'd have been bound by blood. Well, it's not too late. I have a son. You have a daughter. We'll join our houses." He walks farther down the crypt and Eddard follows.
Jaime Lannister swans about the village in his fancy armor. A little person played by Peter Dinklage gets drunk and a blowjob, in that order. The young lady administering to him is naked. Because HBO. They move over to the bed and she helpfully tells him that Winterfell is currently host to the king, the queen, and the queen's twin brother, who's the most handsome man in the Seven Kingdoms. He tells her the queen has two brothers: "There's the pretty one and the clever one." "I hear they call him the Imp." "I hear he hates that nickname." Then she accuses him of being a drunken, perverted lecher, which goes over much better. She also calls him Lord Tyrion, which is nice of her. As she mounts him (HBO!), Jaime enters unexpectedly "Should I explain to you the meaning of a closed door in a whorehouse, brother?" snarks Tyrion. Jamie explains that the Starks are feasting them at sundown and the queen would like him to attend. And Jaime doesn't want to be left alone. Tyrion explains that he's got a lot of whoring planned, so Jamie lets three more prostitutes in. "See you at sundown." "Close the door!"
The king looks at a statue unhappily. "Did you have to bury her in a place like this?" "She was my sister. This is where she belongs." As part of my recapping duties, I shall unpack this a little. This is the last resting place of Eddard's sister, who was beloved of the king. And the king misses her: "She belonged with me. In my dreams, I kill 'em every night." "It's done, your grace. The Targaryens are gone." "Not all of them."
Whoops! Let's change scenes again! Welcome to PENTOS, across the narrow sea. This is the place with the unreadable name from the opening credits. A wistful white-haired young lady gets the name Daenerys almost immediately. Her white-haired, somewhat foppish brother shows off some fabric that their host has given them. It's exceedingly fancy. The brother is somewhat fancy himself. His mannerisms are a lot like Kent from The Amazing Race's "Kent and Vyxsin." Except that his hair, like Daenerys's, is white. While a servant fills an enormous hot tub, the brother complains about her slouching: "Let them see. You have a woman's body now." And there it is, in all its nakedness. In close-up, too. HBO! He studies her body and does a little fondling. Well, I don't think I approve of that. You know what? I think this guy's a baddie. "I need you to be perfect today. Can you do that for me? You don't want to wake the dragon, do you?" He seems to think that this is an acceptable threat, but he's pretty spindly. She seems scared of him, although she seems scared of everything. He says people will say his reign began today, then leaves. She slowly gets into the tub, while staring out the window. The servant rushes in, gasping, "It's too hot, milady!" But Daenerys doesn't seem to feel it. [Or she wants to burn all of her skin off after getting groped by her creepy brother. - Zach]
Daenerys, her brother and a dark-haired, bearded fella who I take to be an advisor of some sort stand outside on the front steps to their charming house. The brother is impatient, but the advisor informs him that the Dothraki are not known for their punctuality. Then some swarthy, shirtless men ride in. The advisor introduces the brother as Viserys of House Targaryen, who is the third of his name (I can't imagine that's going to be important) and the rightful king of the First Men. Daenerys is his sister, also of House Targaryen. The advisor is speaking some other language to the Dothraki. Let's say he's speaking Dothraki. That would make sense. Viserys exposits to Daenerys that when Dothraki are defeated, they cut their hair. So you can tell that Khal Drogo here has never been defeated, because he's got a ponytail all the way down his back. Viserys considers Khal Drogo a savage, but a great killer. And Daenerys will be his queen. At his bidding, she walks forward, wide-eyed. Khal Drogo sneers down at her with his bumpy forehead, then rides off. Viserys freaks out: "Where's he going?" The advisor assures him that the ceremony's over and everything is fine.
Later, the advisor and the two Targaryens look at a picturesque creek. The advisor butters up the brother, telling him that the people drink secret toasts to his health, and that he'll soon be king. Viserys takes offense at being told not to ask the Dothraki about the rumors that they have sex with horses, but the advisor covers himself with the claim that "Kings lack the caution of common men." Viserys explains his plan: "I give him a queen, and he gives me an army." Daenerys, who is barely clothed, suddenly pipes up, "I don't want to be his queen. I want to go home." Viserys tries that condescending, sarcastic tone that we remember from Snooty back at the top of the show. Or maybe you don't. To be honest, I just wanted to use the name "Snooty" again. Anyway, Viserys: "So do I. I want us both to go home. But they took it from us. So tell me, sweet sister, how do we go home?" The answer is that they use this guy's army. She's a little dismayed about being used this way, so Viserys explains that he'd let the whole tribe fuck her, if that's what it took. And the horses. Yeah, he's almost definitely a baddie.
"Do you think Joffrey will like me? What if he thinks I'm ugly?" Oh, hey, we're back in Winterfell. It's Sansa, who's going on about how handsome Joffrey is while Lady Stark does her hair. Lady Stark is sad about Sansa possibly leaving and going down to King's Landing, but Sansa points out that Lady Stark left her home to get married. It's something aristocratic daughters do, you know.
In the kitchens, people are chopping up rabbits. Poor bunnies! Ah, it's the big feast-slash-reception for the king, which means there's a lot of people at wooden tables, pounding metal goblets in tune to a reel being played on an unseen violin. The king grabs women and makes out with them right in the middle of the room, whoring it up while his queen watches.
Out in the courtyard, Snow hacks up a practice dummy. Chop! Chop! He's interrupted by a someone asking, "Is he dead yet?" This is Uncle Benjen, who rode all day to be here. Snow explains that as a bastard, he shouldn't be at the feast. Benjen, it turns out is one of the people from up on The Wall. Snow wants to go join up with them, saying, "I'm ready to swear your oath." Benjen delivers some vital exposition about the Wall, explaining that the people on The Wall have no families and will never father sons. Snow thinks that sounds just fine, and Benjen goes off to the feast. Snow turns back to his practice dummy and he's interrupted again. Man, this guy just wants to be left alone to beat up on a practice dummy, but people are constantly bothering him. This time it's Tyrion Lannister, who makes a point of calling Snow Lord Stark's bastard. This is useful for purposes of exposition (Snow's father is Eddard Stark, but Cat is not his mother), but it also serves the character, because Tyrion is doing it just to get under Snow's skin. And then he tells him, "Let me give you some advice, bastard. Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not." But, Snow objects, Tyrion is a dwarf, not a bastard. "All dwarves are bastards in their father's eyes." Zing! And now that Tyrion's drunk enough to enter the party, Snow is left along again. Back to chopping!
The party rages on. Whee! Stark chats with Benjen about Twitchy, who was allegedly tough. So what did he see? They think it could maybe have been a wildling ambush. But they don't seem convinced. Stark repeats his ominous catchphrase: "Winter's coming."
Lady Stark and the queen sit politely at their table and attempt to have small talk about this being her first trip to Winterfell. The queen doesn't seem to like it much, and she assumes Cat doesn't either. Sansa comes up to make the proper greeting to the queen, who is properly condescending: "Hello, little dove. But you are a beauty." Queens get to ask personal questions, so we learn that Sansa is thirteen (or, if you're a terrible horror movie aficianado like me, thir13en) and, in the words of the queen, has not bled. The queen looks blandly at Sansa's outfit and says, "Your dress, did you make it? Such a talent. You must make one for me." That's probably an insult, but Sansa is happy to have her dress-making ability noticed, and leaves thinking she's been complimented. The queen tells Lady Stark, "Your daughter will do well in the capital." Prince Joffrey (the blond kid with the Caesar cut who arrived with the rest of the party) watches and smiles.
Lord Stark weaves around people and is blocked by Jaime Lannister. Jaime has heard that Eddard may be coming down to King's Landing and that, in Jaime's mind, means that the two of them can compete in some kind of tournament. Because Jaime has a trophy rack full of ribbons and pennants and stuff like that. Eddard will not be participating, explaining, "I don't fight in tournaments, because when I fight a man for real, I don't want him to know what I can do." Jaime accepts this dodge. Elsewhere in the party, Arya flicks food at Sansa, which is hilarious. Before this can escalate into a full-fledged food fight, Robb carries her off to bed.
Lord and Lady Stark are together in bed, but this is a moping scene, not a sexing scene. Ned mopes about how he's a Northman and doesn't want to go down to the capital. Lady Stark wants to back him up: "I'll say, 'Listen, fat man. You are not taking my husband anywhere.'" That's probably not the best idea. A monk whose name turns out to be Meister Lune interrupts to report that there's a rider in the night, from "your sister." There's a black wax seal on it the letter, and it was sent from the Eyrie. Wherever that is. Cat reads it, then tosses it in the fire. At Ned's request, she summarizes her sister's news: "She's fled the capital. She says Jon Arryn was murdered. By the Lannisters. She says the King is in danger." Meister Lune says that only Lord Stark can protect the king if this is true. Lady Stark points out that the Lannisters killed the last Hand, and now they want Ned to be the new one? In her opinion, he owes the king nothing and reminds him, "Your father and brother rode south once, at a king's demand." That was, Ned says, "A different time. A different king." Ned thinks about it.
We now move the scene to someplace vaguely eastern. Oh, there are two people with vivid white hair, which establishes them as the Targaryens, so we're back at Pentos. This is the wedding? Or afterparty? Drogo and Daenerys are sitting regally as people bring gifts and set them before the wedding party. Somebody's brought a box of snakes! As a gift, I mean. He opens the box and waves the snakes around as if to say "See? Box of snakes, just like you asked for!" There are big piles of meat that may be gathering flies. The dancing is frenetic and bare-breasted. This is where some objections have been raised, since the swarthy savages are being made out to look, well, swarthy and savage. I'm withholding judgment until later in the season, but I wanted to point it out. If this sort of thing bothers you, then, yes, the dark-skinned people seem to be combining dancing and rape here. The brother is impatient about getting his throne, but his advisor assures him that Khal Drogo will keep his word. The rape-dance appears to be turning into actual rape (or at least, actual sex, because it's not clear if the female dancer is objecting), but the dancers are pulled apart by somebody. But he's just doing so he can get in on the rape-dancing. And that turns into a scimitar fight, and then there are entrails everywhere. Two men carry off a woman, and I think two women are carrying off a man. I'm not sure. The advisor says that Dothraki weddings are rated by how many disembowelments they have. And the gift-giving continues. Somebody brings Daenerys a book of stories. And then there's a trunk of dragon's eggs. They're from the shadowlands. We (and Daenerys) are told that the ages have turned them to stone, but they're still pretty. Well, sure.
Khal Drogo struts off through the throng. Daenerys follows, hesitantly. And wide-eyed. That's pretty much how she's done everything so far. Everyone crowds in behind them. Drogo presents her with a white horse and the advisor tells her that there's no word in Dothraki for "Thank you." That's weird. Drogo hops on his black horse, and Viserys tells his sister to "Make him happy."
Sunset. Daenerys looks out at the horizon. It's reddish-orange. Or, if you must, the color of blood and fire. Incidentally, judging by the map in the opening credits, she's looking in the direction of King's Landing. Drogo comes up behind her and unties her flimsy garments. She's crying silently, and he wipes away her tears and says "No." She tries to make small talk, asking, "Do you know the common tongue?" "No." "Is 'no' the only word that you know?" "No." That wasn't very good small talk. By this time, he's taken her dress off. She covers her breasts, but he pulls her arms away. He pushes her down on all fours and takes her from behind while she cries. HBO!
Back to Winterfell. Tyrion sits on a stoop and banters with someone. The royal party appears to be going out hunting. The king asks if Ned is still as good with a spear as he used to be "No. But I'm still better than you." "You're a loyal friend. You hear me?" "I hope I'll serve you well." "You will And I'll make sure you don't look so fucking grim all the time." With spirits high, the party rides out.
Bran watches them leave, then his puppy pulls him away. Bran climbs the wall while we get close-ups of his foot- and toe-holds. The puppy barks up at him. Bran steals along a tower ledge and peeps in a window. Jaime Lannister is fucking his twin sister. Doggie-style. So that's how everyone does it in this world. Wait, except for those whores with Tyrion earlier. I don't know. It's probably not the important part of the show. Jaime and his sister (I'm tired of waiting. She's Cersei. Someone probably mentioned it somewhere and I missed it) both look up and see Bran. Oops! Jaime and Cersei have a brief argument while Bran stands awkwardly with his head sticking in the window. Cersei is insistent that Bran saw them. And he clearly did, but Cersei's a lot more freaked out than Jaime. Jaime talks to Bran to calm him down: "Quite the little climber, aren't you boy? How old are you?" "Ten." "Ten?" Jaime shrugs and turns away from the window. He sighs, "The things I do for love." Then he PUSHES THE KID OUT THE WINDOW. The last shot of the episode is Bran falling a couple hundred feet while his puppy looks up at him.
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