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Damn, what a delightful episode with lots of callbacks. Another beautiful hotel balcony scene, another great bonding-around-the-campfire scene. The Lions are set to play Kingdom again, the team to which they forfeited in that heartbreaker of a game last season. Kingdom, TX is 250 miles away, so they all pile into a yellow school bus and make their loud, teen way there, where they then pile into a hotel, alienate non-teen guests, spend some quality time bonding with one another, then go on to win the game by playing dirty (by Coach's fiat even!) for once in their lives.
Post-game, Hastings hooks the kids up with some hippie party out in the woods, while the coaches stay in to drink whiskey and play poker. On the bus on the way home each generation tries to hide its hangovers from the other. Speaking of generations, so much wonderful material in this episode regarding what it's like to be an adult among free-spirited teenagers. As Coach tells his kids, he hears everything they say. What he doesn't note, but we do: he doesn't always act or comment on everything he hears, and that is why he is so damn awesome.
It's a good thing we got all this bonding in now, though, because some bitter things are brewing. TMU seems to be recruiting Vince more than Luke, though Vince and Luke remain innocent of this intention. Vince is letting his father into his life a bit more, and you know that is not going to end up so great.
Back home, Tami has a ladies night with Laurel involving white wine and tears over the incommunicative Julie. For her part, Julie continues to be out on a limb all by herself (and apparently attending a school named Burleson, not UT like everybody thought!). That limb snaps when Head T.A. Derek Bishop's crazy harpy History professor wife finds Julie in a student lounge, slaps her, and starts screeching about what a slut Julie Taylor is. Tumbling to the ground, Julie scurries back home as quickly as she can, somehow manages to keep her face correctly comported when she sees her mother for the first time, and tells her she's just home to do some laundry. Well, metaphorical laundry maybe.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open on the Lions' practice field. Coach talks some complicated juju about pockets and slant and "the three" to Vince. The gist is that Vince isn't running the play the way Coach wants him to. Vince heads back to the huddle as Coach yells, "You know what way we're gonna do it, right? MY WAY. Every time." The play runs well and Coach crows about "MY WAY" some more. Over on the sidelines, Carl-- a TMU recruiter-- tells Coach that Vince is a natural scrambler and he doesn't think Coach should limit him in that way. Coach just tells him that he's slipping.
Back in Coach's office, Coach fries up some bacon in a skillet on his portable burner while Vince talks about getting recruited by TMU. Wait, hold up-- since when does Coach make himself bacon in his office? I have so many questions! Is the bacon just for himself? For the team? The coaches? Does his office have proper ventilation? If not, does he come home smelling of delicious smoked meats? If so, could he possibly make himself MORE DELICIOUS?! Anyhow, Vince tells Coach about being recruited, and, yes, it is true that his recruitment by the school that seemed to initially want Luke is, in fact, shady. Coach asks about his father. Vince says that he's "found some middle ground" with his father and then exposits that his dad will go with him to the away game this weekend. Coach tells him that the three of them will sit down together and discuss this TMU stuff, and then asks if Luke knows about any of it. "No, it was his moment, I didn't want to take it away from him." "Good. Keep it that way."
Chaotic locker room. Assistant Coach Crowley takes off his reading glasses like he's a robot from the future. They come apart at the bridge of the nose!!! He exposits that they are taking a road trip this weekend to Kingdom, TX, 250 miles away, to play the team that they had to forfeit to last season. The boys are all rowdied up, as they get their itineraries -- including study time (boo!) -- for the trip. Coach Taylor comes in and tells them that he hears EVERYTHING that they say and he knows they've been talking about last year's forfeit. And that's okay. But he doesn't want to hear them talking about revenge, because playing for revenge is not playing good football. "Success is not a goal, it's a byproduct." Coach keeps going with his Oprah-isms (ONLY SEVEN SHOWS LEFT Y'ALL) when Staub, from the background, just basically shouts "SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!" and the kids all cheer.
Julie shuffles into her dorm room in the full light of morning, chewing gum like a WHORE. Just kidding. Julie Taylor is no whore. She's the best! It's just that the gum chewing is kind of a hilarious cue re: her current early-college moral-sexual quandry. Her roommate gives her the business for not coming home last night and Julie says she just needs to sleep. She hops up into her loft bed and begs her roommate to cover for her in class; she agrees, as long as Julie signs in for her at the poetry reading tomorrow. Also, Julie's mom called. Twice.
Lots of folks gathered to watch the Lions board the yellow bus to Kingdom. Hastings deposits a bottle of Jack Daniels into his duffel. Buddy gives Buddy, Jr. (now on the team) an ill-timed primer on hazing. He assures him it isn't as bad as it was in his day (full-body shaving and all those other not-at-all-homosocial activities). Vince and Jess talk about the rooming situation and Vince complains that she didn't set them up in a room together. He points out that there will be no moms or aunties on this trip. She tells him to win the game first and then they can talk about celebrating. They make out a bit. The boys are all on the bus while folks cheer and shout at them; the bus gets going just as two people hoist a huge banner reading "REVENGE" for it to drive through. Coach just shakes his head. Hastings, from the back, snerks, "Coach, are we there yet?" and Coach just pulls his hat down tight over his hair, which is obviously groaning with dread over being stuck in this metal box with these smelly boys.
Credits. Tami hangs out after the bus has pulled out leaving yet another message for Julie. She tells her that her dad just left for the weekend, so she's all along with Gracie Belle and just missing Julie. Repeats that a few times then sighs and hangs up. Laurel comes up and proposes a Girls' Weekend to counter the Guys' Weekend happening in Kingdom. Tami is surprised to hear that movies still exist, she hasn't been to one in so long, but says she can't go with Laurel because of the baby. So Laurel suggests that she bring white wine and Chinese over to Tami's and Tami is like, hey, okay! Tami was burned from her failed Ladymance with Katie McCoy, but she seems surprised and excited to maybe have a new female friend.
The bus drives down the road, rocking and rolling. Inside the boys are rapping under the tutelage of Coach Spivey. Coach Crowley hands Taylor some cotton to put in his ears. Luke is no wordsmith: "I'm Luke Cafferty / If I start rapping, y'all might laugh at me." Tinker is a bit better, but all the roof raising comes to an end when the bus breaks down. Cut to Billy working on the engine, Coach suggesting they call AAA, Billy declaring that AAA "is for women" and then making a series of super fresh jokes about what men are like and what women are like. Thank you, Jeff Foxworthy! Inside the bus, Vince asks Luke what he's doing, as a Baptist, looking into a Methodist university. Luke just says, "Play football" and then mentions that the recruiter is coming to their game tomorrow. These recruiters are obviously the real whores of the episode! Vince asks if he can take a look at the brochure Luke is flipping through.
Commercials. On the field, Billy is heading up Special Teams practice. He yells at them and tells them that Special Teams is all about giving the "real" players a breather and allowing the people in the stands a chance to drop their kids off at the pool. "More like Special Ed." Hey, that's my husband's nickname! (Really). Cut to practice, where Billy is all drunk on power and shouting at them about punting and returns and how "WE WILL RUN WITH HATE IN OUR HEARTS." He shouts about how nobody will write about them in the paper, nobody will know their names. The boys sort of look at him in boredom, but this does not deter Billy from his commitment to Inspiration Through Shouting. Off to the side, the other coaches check their watches, until finally Coach Taylor calls Billy over and whispers, "This is supposed to be a walk through."
Back at the hotel, the pack of animals -- uh, I mean, group of teenaged boys -- heads to the pool where they all cannonball in and pop a lady and her two kids right out, scared as hell at all the kooky testosterone. Off to the side, Vince, Ornette, and Coach discuss Vince's recruitment. Coach tells them that this recruitment thing is no joke -- schools are now up to recruiting 13 year olds. He suggests that he act as the go-between, if Vince and his dad are comfortable. Vince's dad wants to know where Vince could possibly play and Coach tells him that TMU is the first to come calling, but it won't be the last. Vince says that he thinks everything should go through Coach, and Ornette agrees. Right. For now.
Julie and Head T.A. Derek Bishop eat fried bread in the lovely, warm Texas evening. Head T.A. Derek Bishop tells her that he doesn't bring too many people there and then launches into a faux-deep Kerouac rumination how he finds these great, off-the-beaten-path places by just "getting lost." He thinks that's how he found Julie. When, actually, how they met each other is that he got revealed as a poser football fan. He says they need to get going soon because his "thesis calls." Which -- writers, this guy is clearly in the PhD program (he wouldn't be TAing otherwise) and PhDs don't call their projects "theses" -- they are dissertations. End dork message. NOW who's being a douche?
Hotel, where there is FUN to be had because these kids aren't total lamewads yet. Some joke-commotion out in the hall with Buddy, Jr. spilling the 12 buckets of ice he's getting for everyone. Then cut outside, where a series of boys have little patios all in a row. Luke joins Vince on his, the crickets chirping in the warm evening. They shoot the shit a bit as the camera wanders down to show us Coach Taylor, relaxing on his own patio, hidden from view. Here he is, listening. Tinker comes out and bitches about it being too quiet there -- he misses the cop cars and crackheads of home. And now begins what could basically be a short play starring a doomed young Marlon Brando. I seriously love this scene, these boys talking to one another and making "yo momma" jokes while Coach listens quietly. Hastings comes out of his room, saying that he hears "a lot of dude talk." Luke jokes that they're taking in the beauty of Kingdom, TX and Hastings wonders whether he's talking about the no bars and 9,000 churches. They ask if he's been there before, and Hastings talks a bit about how his dad worked on a few rigs, but they didn't stay long, "as usual." Tinker wonders if they're going to win the game tomorrow; Vince says that they aren't the same team as they were when they played them last time. Hastings asks what was up with the forfeit last time and Vince says that it was a bad feeling, but Coach is a stand up guy and he had his reasons, even if they don't understand them. Heartbreaking! They still don't understand! He was protecting them. They were too hurt. But I guess youth doesn't understand danger in that way. They joke some more, telling Tinker that the candy and porn he thought was free is not indeed free (at this, Coach just silently shakes his head from side to side), and then one-by-one head off to bed. Boys! Becoming men! Boyz II Men! A-B-C-B-B-D The Texas Family! (Okay, I don't know what that was about at all).
Commercials. Game time! Lions are down by three and the game has been full of trash talking and unnecessary penalties. Coach's hair watches from the sidelines with bemused detachment for the moment. South King scores another touchdown, and the Lions Special Teams heads out on the field for the kickoff return. Buddy fumbles the ball for a bit and then picks it up just in time to get clobbered by a huge hit. I have to be honest, I don't totally understand this part, but apparently this is not a clean hit. The ref doesn't call it, Coach Taylor's hair goes from detachment to outrage in two seconds flat, while Hastings gets in the face of the player that hit Buddy, Jr. and warns him not to mess with him. Coach tells Vince to take a knee on the snap, even though there's time enough for a play. Vince protests, but does what Coach says and they head into halftime.
In the locker room, all the players are pissed that the other team is playing dirty. Coach tells them to settle down and stop playing for revenge. They have to rise above. Stay away from dumb. And all that high-minded shit. Back out on the field, Hastings flirts with a cheerleader while Vince gets waylaid by a kid spewing racist shit at him ("Go back to Africa," monkey sounds and such). Vince keeps his cool, and then without asking Coach runs out onto the field with Special Teams for the kick return. Once the whistle is blown, Vince runs straight for the racist kid and lays. him. out. It's awesome. The ref throws a flag, warns Coach that Vince is close to being thrown out. The South King stands are full of people with mean-spirited signs saying "Forfeit," and Coach's hair has gone from outraged to ballistic. He grabs Vince and tells him that they are not going to win by playing by the rules, so they are going to start playing by their own rules. Coach asks Vince if he understands what he's saying and Vince says yes. Coach tells him to spread the word to the rest of the team. In the huddle, Vince tells his team that if the other team wants to take it to the streets, they'll meet them there.
Snap and the Lions come out dirty and awesome. They score a bunch of touchdowns, perpetrate some late hits, talk some shit, and basically, as the announcer notes, get "a little swagger." Vince grins out on the field and the clock runs out, Lions winning 38-17. Up in the stands, Ornette has been approached by the TMU recruiter, a bit too willing to get glad-handed. The Lions celebrate out on the field. As Coach heads back into the locker room, he gets accosted by reporters asking him to comment on the 24 total penalties in the game: "Is that they style ball you're going to play this year?" Coach just laughs and says it's good talking to them, and his hair basically turns backwards and flips them the bird as he accelerates past them.
Commercials. Hotel hallway party! It's total mayhem. The concierge tries to make them quiet down and get into their rooms. A scared old white couple picks their way through the crowd, which quiets down for a second, but returns to form the minute the little weasely guy leaves. My favorite is Coach Straub pelvis thrusting jubilation when they get back to partying. Meanwhile, Jess and Vince make out big time in her room until Hastings, Tinker, and Luke come to get him via the patio door. Vince tells her that he made plans to go out later with them, and Jess is not too happy. He promises that he'll be back soon, in an hour. He promises! Don't lock the door! He'll be back! She shuttles him out the sliding door and locks the door in his face. Jess knows what's up.
In the car, Julie wonders whether Head T.A. Derek Bishop is going to take her somewhere or what. He tells her -- and you guys, "barf" would not describe what I feel like doing after this line -- that he's "showing her how to get lost." He stops the car and she asks what he's doing at Burleson. And now we discover that they are not actually at UT Austin like I had assumed. Was there any indication of this? Perhaps my Head T.A. Derek Bishop hate blinders blinded me to this simple fact? Anyway, he proposes that they both explain what they are doing at this weirdly-named school at the same time. Talking over one another, Head T.A. Derek Bishop says that he's there because no ivy league school would give her a shot, and they wanted his wife so badly that they gave him a spot in their doctoral program even though he has "a ridiculous thesis." IT'S NOT CALLED A THESIS! On her side, Julie explains that she couldn't hack it at Habitat for Humanity and her parents wouldn't pay for anything else and then something about a foreign language. I call bullshit on this explanation, Julie Taylor. I want to know more about where the hell you are supposed to be and WHY AREN'T YOU IN AUSTIN? Head T.A. Derek Bishop then launches into a drama queen further explanation: "Her name is Alison. She is very smart" and they like each other but don't love each other. blah blah blah. Then he asks, "Who's Matt?" I didn't hear it but maybe she mentioned him in their stupid simultaneous explanations? She says that Matt is just a guy in Chicago (BLASPHEMY!) and then they kiss.
Back at the hotel, the Coaches plus Buddy play cards and drink drink drink together. Love this. Everyone else is psyched about how the game went, but Coach says that the game got away from them, and he didn't like all the dirty playing. Coach Crowley packs it in for the night, Billy tells him that his G-string is sticking out.
The boys head out into a field for a party that Hastings has hooked them up with. A party in a field FULL OF HIPPIES! These little Dillon boys don't know which way to look first. So many tattoos! So many dreadlocks!
Back at the hotel. Coach is all exasperdrunktired saying he didn't like all the celebrating the boys were doing, especially not that dance that Tinker does. Buddy tells him that the boys were just having fun. Everyone is squinty and old-drunk and it is fantastic. Buddy slurs about his son playing football tonight and how bad he was. "He was awful!" Billy assures him he'll be good eventually. Coach and his hair (which is clinging to the side of his head like a man clinging to a toilet) declare that they are tired and leaving. He gathers up his bottle of bourbon; Buddy gives him a hard time for not having any fun and nursing his drink too slowly. Coach complains that he's losing all his money at cards even though he's been cheating all night, and he's going to bed, "Love you all, good night!"
Out in the field, Buddy, Jr. has found an older woman to compliment. "Um. I really like the way you're putting your lipstick on? It's like you're in a commercial." NAILED IT BUDDY, JR.! The boys are all drinking everclear, or something equally repellant. Off in a delightfully hippy Airstream, Vince has confessed to Luke about getting recruited by TMU. Luke isn't fazed, he thinks it's SO COOL that they'll both go to TMU together. They're like a team! Oh, Luke. You gotta wise up a bit son. They clink glasses and remain friends for now.
Back in Dillon. Tami whisper-confesses to Laurel how much she misses her baby girl. That raising these kids, it's just such a sense of loss. You raise this person for 18 years and then they're just gone. The phone rings and it's Coach, sitting on his bed, kind of waving back and forth. He tells her they won, she coos congratulations, he tells her abruptly, "I been drinkin" and she responds "WE have been drinkin'" Laurel laughs. And Tami laughs -- probably the best drunk laugh ever to be caught on film. Coach asks her "So what are y'all wearin?" which, hee. Tami says she has to go and Coach tells her to kiss Gracie for him. They love each other off the phone, Coach hangs up and reaches up to pat/scratch his head, his second best (after Tami) companion.
The boys sit around the campfire, just like some other Dillon, TX boys once did. Luke drunk emotes that Vince just called him his brother, and last year he punched him in the face! Luke laughs and ends up on his ass. I seriously love Drunk Luke Cafferty. And it only gets better. He spreads his love to Tinker, for trading him his pig for his girl, Becky. And then. AND THEN you guys. He does the best thing I've ever seen. He sort of drunkenly suggests that Hastings could be his brother, too, "because his hair is like--" and then makes a kind of tight-piston-firing-cow-milking gesture with his hands while saying "Brr drr brr" and then POW! explodes his hands to represent Hastings' own Coach-like expressive pate. They all laugh and then go looking for Buddy, Jr. for some love. They find him in the background, making out with the old lady. Hastings mutters something about it being "someone's mom." Luke tells them all that he would do anything for them, he would walk on fire for them. Hastings wonders if he's really serious: "All right, prove it." The camera shows us a glimpse of a bent piece of wire in Hastings' hand.
Julie is studying in a common room when a tall lady with long dark hair marches in screeching about "Who is Julie Taylor?" Julie owns up and the woman walks up to her and slaps her. Julie's roommate pops up and gets between them. The woman says she is Alison and screeches at Julie that she is not special or the first. But that she IS a slut. Then she yells at the entire room "Julie Taylor is a slut! She is sleeping with Derek Bishop TA in the History Department and my husband! Julie Taylor is a slut!" Damn, this lady must have tenure.
Back at the campfire, Luke has a leather belt in his mouth to bit down on when he gets branded. Is this a Temple Grandin-approved procedure? He shouts, with the belt in his mouth that everyone has to do this. Buddy, Jr. is like, uh, I just joined the team! The brand sizzles Luke's skin off camera as he squeals in excitement/pain.
Commercials. The morning, the boys sit around while Jess dresses their wounds. She is pissed. Luke keeps charming me to death, saying that the brands are badges of their pride, you know "like 'pride' [touches chest] and 'pride' [makes Lion claw motion]." Jess calls them all idiots. Hastings sits in the corner with sunglasses on. Vince sadly mansplains how sorry he is and how much he loves her. She shoots him a look of death.
Tami sits at the table with Gracie when the front door opens. She thinks it's Eric....but in walks Julie!! Tami loses her shit! She gives her a huge hug and I don't understand HOW Julie keeps her face together in this scene. I can fool most anybody in the world by putting on the correct face, but the minute I see my mom my face becomes a face telegram telling her exactly what's going on. Julie says she's just home to do some laundry. Tami will obviously take what she can get, beaming at her girl with major love.
At the hotel, the boys stagger towards the bus. Buddy gives his son a pat on the arm and Buddy, Jr keeps his shit together just long enough for Buddy to turn away, at which point the pain suffuses the kid's face. Coach tells Vince that he can ride home with his father if he wants; Vince says that this is his team, he rides with his team. They all load up, nearly leaving Buddy, Jr. who is rearranging the letters on the welcome sign to read "Hey Kingdom, How Bout that Second Coming." On the bus, everyone settles into their seats, hungover every one, young and old, a trip to remember, but just quietly now. Hastings, from the back: "Hey, Coach, we there yet?" Coach, pulls his brim down low and delivers our message: "Nope. But we're getting there. We're getting there, slowly but surely."