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Jason and Herc get into a knockdown brawl in the middle of Buddy Garrity motors when Jason learns that his truck (which he bought from Herc) needs five thousand dollars worth of work. Buddy breaks it up and calms Jason down and makes a suggestion to him that will help him pay for the work on his car: get into the car sales business. Ferret Guy and a couple of cronies surround Tim Riggins in a parking lot and beat the crap out of him, breaking a bottle over his head, and then telling him he has a week to repay the stolen money. Then police show up at the Williams household and arrest Smash for assault. And that's all before the credits even roll!
So Jason is working for Buddy, selling cars; the other salespeople are not happy given his "wheelchair sympathy" advantage. One particularly Texas-haired bitch gives him a really hard time, stealing customers from him and such. But Jason shows them all when he sells a car to a notoriously indecisive customer using the "life is too short, things can change in an instant" argument.
Tim goes to Lyla for help with his rock-and-a-hard-place problem. She comes over to The Playgirl Ranch to find him lighting candles and making her chicken. She storms out when she realizes what is going on and he runs after her, telling her that he loves her. She tells him that it's never going to happen and it is ice cold. She goes on to tell Chris about her Tim Riggins issues -- actually having to admit, "I know, I know, I slept with my paralyzed boyfriend's best friend." The goddamned halo keeps shining around Chris's stupid wholesome head and he accepts Lyla's confession with grace and then goes to get ice cream with her. Later, Lyla shows up at Tim's with an envelope of money to pay Ferret Guy back, which he at first refuses. She drops it on the doorstep and leaves, telling him that she won't be coming back anymore. The Riggins boys bring the money over to Ferret Guy who almost lets him off the hook until Billy starts a fight with him over what he did to Timmy. The Riggins boys hightail it out of there, almost getting shot.
Smash is advised to plead guilty to a misdemeanor, and forced to make a televised apology to smooth things over. But even all that doesn't make the sudden and convenient racism go away, and the boys from last episode start calling and harassing Noannie and going on television accusing Smash of attacking them "just because we're white." Smash snaps and gives an incriminating interview to a reporter. The Board suspends him for three games, which happens to be the rest of the season.
And, Coach convinces Tami to sub in as coach for the suddenly coach-less girl's volleyball team, which happens to be one hot mess of a team. When Tyra is over the Taylors' house for dinner one night, Tami notices how tall the girl is and leans on her to join the team. Tyra Amazons all over the place-- her athletic prowess fueled by her long standing love/hatred of Tim Riggins and jealousy over Landry's new nerdy, dreadlocked female friend Jean-- and leads the team to a victory, the whole scene set to "The Bomb" by New Young Pony Club, which just rocks.
So to recap the recaplet: Tami and Tyra! Jason Street! Crucifictorious! An actual scene where Landry, Matt, Tim Riggins, and Smash are hanging out together! Tyra, spiking volleyballs! Oh, show, where have you been?! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Open with a Replacements song, which is always a good sign. Herc and Jason are getting bad news from a car repairman, who says that Jason's truck is going to cost at least four thousand dollars to fix. Lots of stuff about fly wheels, but who can take a minute to recap that when that minute would be much better spent shrieking about JASON STREET! HOLY MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY IN A ROMAN COLLAR WE HAVE CONTACT! (I'm sorry, I clearly cannot resist Contact references.) Jason makes a negative remark about the truck not being worth that much, which incites Herc to defend "Ole Bessie's" honor, as apparently he was Ole Bessie's owner, which just opens the door for the repairman to lecture Herc that he told him for years to take better care of the truck. This sets Jason off, who just starts whaling on Herc for telling him the truck was in good shape when he sold it to him. Somehow amidst all the yelling and flailing, Herc ends up out of his chair on the floor; Buddy rushes out to break it up and we cut inside to Buddy's office, where those mounted and stuffed deer heads have taken on a remarkably friendlier aspect than they had last season. Wonder what's got them all cheery?
Buddy wants to know why Jason flew off the handle, and Jason explains that he only has eight thousand dollars to his name. Buddy tells him he'll just have to live without a car for a while; Jason tells him that he doesn't know what it's like to have to depend on other people for rides everywhere, that he doesn't even fit in most of his friends' cars. He says he's going to have to just pay to have the truck fixed, and pray he doesn't run out of money and have to move back in with his parents. I am more honestly moved by this plight than I have been about just about anything else all season -- Landry's dumb murder, or Julie's growing pains, or Smash's education in racism. Jason Street, let me stop shrieking my greetings to you and instead clasp you close to my bosom. Buddy Garrity seems like he also would like to clasp Jason's head to his bosom, but since he's a man and this is Texas, he suggests instead, "Jason, you ever think about selling cars?"
Tim comes out of the convenience store to find Ferret Guy and his posse in the parking lot. Ferret Guy creeps around, cheerily wondering where Tim's been, inviting Tim to go hunting, et cetera. When Tim tries to get in his car to leave, Ferret Guy grabs him by the neck and creepily sweet-talks him for a moment before head-butting the kid. Before Tim can shake the cartoon stars out of his eyes, Ferret Guy smashes a beer bottle over Tim's head. He tells him that he has until the end of the week to get him his money or he'll shoot Tim's knees off. He hops in his truck with his cronies and calls out to Tim, "Good luck at the game on Friday!"
A police car pulls up outside the Williams residence. Corinna answers the door, and they ask for Brian Williams. They tell her that they have a warrant for his arrest on assault charges. Smash comes to the door and willingly goes with the police while Corinna freaks out wondering what's going on. He tells his mother that "something happened last week," but doesn't say what. They cuff him, and she follows them out to the car, begging to know what's going on.
Credits.
Morning at the Taylors'. Coach is bitching to Tami about how the girls' volleyball coach just up and left in the middle of the season. Tami listens sympathetically and asks her husband to butter her some toast while she walks with Gracie. She notices Eric looking at her intently and immediately realizes what he wants. "No, no, I am not doing it." Eric interrupts, expositing that she knows the sport, she played varsity in high school, and she just told him how she wants more exercise. She insists that she doesn't have enough time, but she's clearly buckling. All Coach need do is take off his hat and let his hair continue making the case for him. It'd do it in a civilized British accent, I'm sure. Eric tells his wife that she'd enjoy working with the girls, saying that they have a lot of spunk. Julie interrupts to guffaw and say that the team is 0 and 7 so far this season; they're not quite dictionary-definition "spunky." Meanwhile the phone has started ringing; Coach picks it up and says he'll be right down. He turns to Tami and says that he has to go to the police station for Smash. He kisses Tami goodbye and says thank you, even though she hasn't agreed to anything yet.
Jason is in his room, dressing for his day at work, suit and tie, the whole get-up, camera attention paid to his pre-tied tie and button-loop helper thingy. Cut to Garrity Motors, where Buddy introduces Jason to the rest of the sales staff. Buddy is all smiles, reminding them that Jason was the best quarterback Dillon has ever seen, and asks them all to show him the ropes. He leaves, and Jason looks at them all with that sweet, open face that he has, only to be greeted with sighs and exasperation. One guy says, "Can you believe this? As if we're selling any cars as it is." A particularly bitchy lady with real bad Texas hair mutters, "Now we've got competition in a wheelchair." She's kind of got a Stevie-Nicks-on-a-bender thing going on. Except without all the extreme awesomeness that implies. They all just walk away from him, and we end on a shot of Jason in his wheelchair from above and behind, all the other salespeople scattering away from him.
Coach sits with Smash and Corinna in a lawyer's office. Corinna can't believe he did this; Smash explains that the guy was talking smack to Noannie. His mother tells him that he was supposed to walk away, that's what she taught him. The lawyer jumps in, saying that if they try to make the case that Brian felt threatened, it could lead to a messy trial and if he was found guilty, it'd be likely the judge would throw the book at him. However, since the injuries weren't too severe, if Smash pleads guilty to a misdemeanor, the ADA will likely cut a deal with him. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't all this hubbub a little excessive for one teenager punching another teenager, even if the latter decided to "press charges"? As in, okay, Smash shouldn't have punched him -- but what kind of "book" could a judge throw at him? He's not going to jail or juvie for one punch in a movie theater, right? Anyway, Smash balks at the idea of pleading guilty to anything. Corinna begs him to listen to the lawyer's advice, and he still resists. Coach instructs the boy to listen to his mother, and then Corinna leans in and does some really fantastic tight-mouthed muttering that mothers always do to their children. I'd bet money she's pinching his thigh underneath that table. She tells him that if pleading guilty makes this thing go away, he should do it.
Cut to Smash giving a statement to the press. WTF? Seriously? I mean, this whole storyline is kind of effed as far as Smash's "fame" goes. Nobody recognized him at the movie theater, but now it's such a big deal in the town that he has to give a freaking press conference? He apologizes for striking someone and says that he's learned from his mistakes. The press launch at him with questions, but Coach pulls him out before he has to answer.
Landry is hanging out with a girl with raggedy, bleached blond hair in the cafeteria. So this is where Kit Pistol went after being auf'd! They're talking physics. She's got glasses and short dreads and an awful patchwork shirt. Tyra comes and sits down, wearing a henley shirt with pretty much all the buttons agape, and Landry introduces the two girls. DreadHead is Jean, and as the camera cuts between the two girls -- both with short blond hair -- it sort of looks like Jean is Tyra after being spun around in a proton accelerator. Tyra asks Landry for help on something from biology class and Jean interrupts to give her the answer. Tyra raises her eyebrows at the girl and says, "Thanks...Landry." Jean gets up to go get a soda. As she leaves, Landry remarks on her "cook hair," and Tyra scoffs at him for using his tutoring skills to pick up freshmen now. He babbles about being paired up with her in physics class, and Tyra is incredulous: "She's in your physics class? She looks like she's twelve." Ah, TV high school. The land where twenty is twelve and thirty-two is seventeen.
Creepy mega-church. There's like forty-two people onstage leading the congregation in an awful contemporary Christian sing-along. There's something wrong when your worship service starts resembling a Wu Tang concert. Apparently Lyla's new love Chris is like a hype man or something (or maybe he's the guy who'll throw t-shirts out into the crowd?), because he's really getting down up there. The song ends and we cut to Chris actually preaching. Okay, now the worship service is taking on the appearance of a high school production of South Pacific. He's going on about sin and redemption when Tim Riggins comes staggering through the door, all plaid shirt and bursting biceps. He can't even hold his arms close to his torso, those arms are so ripped. Now I'll say "Hallelujah!" He makes his way down to Lyla, who's conveniently sitting on the aisle. When Tim crouches down to her, she barely looks at him while hissing, "What are you doing here?" When she finally does look, she sees a huge, seriously disgusting lesion on his forehead from the bottle smash. He tells her he got beat up by three meth addicts the day before. She asks why, and he takes a breath and tells her it was because he stole three thousand dollars from them. He asks her to come to his house the night and she refuses. The congregation is called to their feet, and Lyla and Tim stand. He tells her he won't leave until she agrees to come over and she finally spits out, "Fine!" He begs her "for sure?" and she says yes. Tim leaves, and Lyla is left in church pretty much not feeling the spirit of Gza so much anymore.
Presumably the day at school, Tami watches with dismay as the volleyball team sucks up the scene. She stands with arms crossed, unconvincingly saying, "That's okay," as they continually serve the ball directly into the net. Tim is not so patient -- he's there presumably still fulfilling his duties as Eric Taylor's Bitch -- and yells out, "Over the net!" Tami tells him to shut it. Tami is still in facilitating mode as she kindly suggests they try to get one shot back over the net. Tim catches her eye and they have a brief moment; back on the court, the girls continue doing their girlie thing, Tami telling them once, telling them twice to "talk to each other." Each time someone serves the ball, either no one goes for it or ten girls go for it, and we end the scene on Tami finally bursting out with a gurgle of frustration, screaming at the girls for not talking to each other. "I WANNA HEAR YA!" she shrieks.
Jason is closing a deal over at Garrity Motors. Stevie Nicks looks on in disgust. An announcement plays over the loudspeaker for Jason Street to report to the lounge. He wheels inside and is greeted by the wigged-out bitch, who tells him that he's breaking the rules. He looks confused, and she explains that they follow a point system, which means that the higher your sales figures, the higher you are in rotation. If you're number one, you get the first person through the door every hour. He says he didn't know, and she puts on a fake sympathetic face, telling him that it's okay, he just needs to check with her time. Before she walks outside to steal his sale, she asks how she looks. Rather than say "like a hooker" in reference to her skin-tight pink leather skirt and gold chain belt, Jason simply tells her she looks great. She purrs, "You know it," and then slinks outside.
Tyra is over at the Taylors' house for dinner. She and Julie are gossiping, Tyra asking if Julie knows some girl named "Jane" with blond dreads in Landry's physics class. Julie thinks for a second and says that there's this girl Jean. She describes Jean as "a brainiac, in all AP classes, into cult movies and music and stuff like that." Tyra looks worried. Eric asks his wife how coaching was, and she sarcastically tells him how great it was, that the girls are so spunky, they don't even know the rules of the game. She accuses Coach of not according her full disclosure, and then instructs the girls to put the chips away because dinner is served. Tyra puts the chips back where they belong -- in the super-high cabinet above the refrigerator -- and Tami catches sight of her long limbs reaching up and spiking those chips back into their place, and the little cartoon light bulb pops right up over her head.
Cut to them mid-dinner, where Tyra gives a middling compliment to the casserole. Tami looks at her and says, "I never realized you were so tall." Tyra replies that she's five eleven, and Tami practically whistles, "You are one tall drink of water." She pauses for a second before saying that Tyra would be great at volleyball. Julie immediately tries to divert Tami, but she should know better. That'd be like trying to divert the Nile in rainy season. Tyra protests, but Tami keeps pushing, telling her that the activity would be great for her college applications -- which I assume are due any day now. Eric leaves the table, not wanting to get drowned himself, and Tami keeps going, talking about how colleges are looking at a candidate's big picture and how athletics are wonderful because they are "mind/body/spirit and when I look at you I think that'd be real good for you." Tyra calls Tami on her shit, saying that all she sees when she looks at her is "a spiker." Tami is like Darwinian in her ability to adapt, and she busts out in agreement with Tyra: "Well, I do look at you and see a spiker! I see a kick-ass spiker!" All Tyra asks is that "Mrs. T" be honest and say that she's asking for a favor. Tami ain't no fool, fool, and she owns up to needing a favor, including a little comment about how playing volleyball could be great for Tyra, too. Tyra doesn't agree, but you know she will.
Lyla and Chris are leaving the church, where they are apparently imprisoned for all eternity. (I get that they do a radio show daily, but seriously, logging that many hours at church can't be what God wants from anyone, is it? I'm sure He needs a break from all the terrible music once in a while.) Chris asks what Lyla wants to do that night, but Lyla lies and says she has to babysit for her mom.
Cut to Tim rushing around The Playgirl Ranch, lighting candles on a table set with flowers. Lyla knocks on the door and Tim takes a deep breath. He tells her that he made some chicken, and asks her to sit down. Lyla immediately goes into high alert and Tim acknowledges that he's acting weird: "These candles, I don't even know what I was thinking." He tells her he needs to get something off his chest, and she turns and leaves. He runs after her, and outside the house he declares that he loves her. She swings around and asks how she's supposed to react to that. He asks for brutal honesty, and she appears to be weighing it, because she is genuinely sweet if nothing else. After a long pause she levels with him: "It's never gonna work." Tim wonders if it's about "this Christianson guy." Heh. She says no, but Tim continues, insisting that she can't have with Chris what they had together. Exactly, Tim. I believe it's called the tenth commandment -- you know, the one about ass? Lyla eyes Tim with an inscrutable look this whole time, and you aren't quite sure if he's convincing her or what she's thinking. He tells her to be honest with herself, and then look him in the eye and tell him that it's never going to happen. Then he'll move on. Minka Kelly, my darling, you are learning how to act! She looks straight at him and, with a completely impassive face, says, "I don't feel the way you feel about me." Long pause. "Move on." Then turns and leaves. Cold! Ice fucking cold!
At volleyball practice, Tyra is getting set up to spike the ball repeatedly while the rest of the girls stand around slack-jawed. Tami is giving her props on the sideline, but there ain't no joy in Tyra's violence. Tami claps her hands and says, "Bee-yoo-tee-ful, Tyra!" and Tyra just sort of shrugs her shoulders and taps the ball back over the net again. Tami approaches her and tells her she's got the skill and height, now all she needs is to get that "Tyra power" behind it all. Tim starts tossing balls toward the side of the net Tami and Tyra stand behind, and Tami calls out of the side of her mouth, "Tim, if you hit me with that ball!..." and then turns back to Tyra and asks the girl to just find a way to get that "erummmmph" -- and she clenches her tiny Tami Taylor fists into an awesome power pump -- behind it. Tyra whines that she's trying, and Tami advises her to just think of something that drives her crazy and make that into the ball. Tyra glances to the side and catches sight of Tim Riggins, picking lint off his shirt like the hottest lice-picking monkey ever, and brightens a bit. "Yeah, I think I can think of something." Practice resumes, and now Tyra is spiking the shit out of the ball. Right at Timmy Riggins. The ball hits him a few times before he learns to get out of the damn way.
Garrity Motors. Jason is trying to sell a hybrid truck to a real mealy-mouthed type. He tries to push the sale, but the guy turns on his heel and leaves, saying he has to think about it. Jason looks crushed. Cut to a little later, Jason moping at his desk, Buddy coming up to ask how he's doing. Jason starts venting about how he just spent two and a half hours with a customer. Seriously? That is not they way we shop for large purchases in our household. We prefer to close our eyes, point our fingers at something, and hand over the credit card, because really, who can be bothered with all that product-research nonsense and price-comparison bunk? Jason caps off his pity party by telling Buddy about how all the other salespeople hate him because he messed up the point system. Buddy is like, "The point what now?" and Jason starts explaining. Buddy interrupts, laughing. There is no point system, they're just giving Jason a hard time. He can't believe Annabelle could be such a wily filly. Only Buddy Garrity could make me pause and think, "Hmm, 'filly.' Now there's a sexist moniker deserving of a comeback." And further, the mealy-mouthed guy that just walked out on Jason? Gerald? "He's a tire-kicker, a looky-loo." He comes in twice a week and looks, but never buys. It would've been nice if someone had alerted Jason to that fact sometime during the hundred and fifty minutes he spent wheeling around after the guy. Then Buddy comes up with exactly the sort of lesson Jason needs. He tells him to stop taking everything so hard: "It's just a job, Jason, no more, no less." Which is exactly what Jason needs to hear. Buddy compares the job to two-a-days, to those times when you don't know why you're playing football at all, but that later in the season, it all pays off. Er, except for when it doesn't and paralyzes you instead. I'd like to write an open letter to the elders on this show and suggest they stop metaphorizing life through football to Jason Street.
At Applebee's, Jean and Landry are discussing the "sizzlin' apple pie." Exactly the kind of disgusting nonsense teenagers go for. She sings the pie's praises, saying that it comes out, get this, "sizzling" -- and that it will save his life. Tyra approaches the table, and Landry stutters that he didn't know she was working then. Tyra gives him a smug smile and just says, "Yeah, shift change." After exchanging awkward nods with Jean, she goes off to get them glasses of water. Jean innocently asks Landry, "Isn't that your friend from school?" before changing the subject: "So...you're wearing a Mayhem shirt." Pause. "Isn't the singer, like, a cannibal?" I'm totally psyched for when they somehow work a Gwar concert into the plot; maybe have Jean come to school with stain-free blood in her hair the morning. She continues, telling Landry she thinks it's odd that he would be a fan of cannibals, since he's in a Christian power-metal band. Landry answers by saying that, first of all, he's not actually a cannibal -- he didn't actually eat anyone, and that second of all, Crucifictorious isn't really "power metal," but more like "extreme grindcore with like, uh, heavy thrash influences." Without missing a beat, Jean replies, "Like what thrash? Like Napalm Death? Like The Keep?" Landry is totally psyched he's sitting in a booth, because something about how she says "Napalm Death" is clearly giving him some tingles below the belt. She continues, "Like, Cannibal Corpse? Carcass?" And I fully approve of any writerly machinations that allow a character to just list off hilarious thrash band names. She catches herself and explains to Landry that she only has, like, two sections for vinyl, "metal, not-metal." Vinyl too?! Landry isn't going to be able to get up from his seat for at least twenty more minutes. But just as things really start heating up, Cannibal Corpse-style, Tyra slams down a couple of drinks on their table and asks if they're ready to order. Jean orders the apple pie and chips and salsa while Landry just sits there, mouth hanging open.
Lyla and Chris are playing mini-golf. How Christian conservative of them! I knew there was a reason I've long despised mini-golf (and my associates have always said it was because I was just no fun!). Lyla, however, is not feeling God in this mini-golf course tonight, and Chris notices. He asks her what's wrong, and she tells him that she hasn't been quite honest with him. She confesses that she lied about having to babysit the other night, and explains that the guy who came to church was Tim Riggins, and they have a history together.
At the Williams', Noannie is watching television when Noelle knocks on the door. Smash invites her in, and Noannie is somewhat nonplussed: "Didn't Mom ban her?" she asks. Smash tells her to shut it and let them be. Noelle and Smash go to the dining table and Noelle apologizes, saying she can't believe Smash had to apologize like he did. Smash gives lip service to the whole thing blowing over and then the phone starts ringing. Smash tells Noelle that the Smash always lands on his feet when he overhears Noannie telling whoever is on the other end of the line that he's a jerk and to stop calling or she'll call the police. She hangs up, and Smash drags it out of her that the guy who called said he heard she put out to white boys. Smash goes to her and tells her that if the guy calls again, she's to give the phone to him. She starts crying and says this is all her fault; Smash tells her that it's nothing to do with her. Meanwhile, Noelle looks upon the fine (dumb) mess she's made.
Cut back to Lyla and Chris, just in time to hear Lyla say, "I know, I know, I slept with my paralyzed boyfriend's best friend. It's the worst thing I've ever done." When, actually, it was sort of the hottest thing she's ever done. But Chris is like a big, blond ice pack, cooling down whatever heat might emanate from a character, and he says, after a long pause, that it must have been hard for her to tell him but that he's glad she did. She tells him that she just wants them to be honest with each other, and he asks whether she still has feelings for Tim. Lyla says no, and we really have to believe her because it really doesn't seem like she does. Chris accepts this and leans in for a very chaste kiss and then proposes they go get -- get this! -- ice cream. This guy really is like the Nordic SteamKill! Lyla wants to continue dousing her parts with ice water, and leans in for one more chaste kiss before heading off to get her No More Sex Before Marriage Sundae (plain vanilla ice milk, no toppings).
At Garrity Motors, Annabelle neighs her way over to Jason. This time she's looking less Stevie Nicks and more Amanda Woodward Walk Of Shame in a leopard mini, skin-tight black plunging v-neck sweater, and big patent belt cinching the waist. Throw a "professional" jacket and stacked loafers on the gal and we're back in '93. She laughs at Jason and tells him his best friend is back. It's mealy-mouthed Gerald; Annabelle tells Jason that low-man on the totem pole has to talk to him. Jason wheels over to where Gerald's looking at the same truck as the other day.
Jason screws up his courage and starts in, asking Gerald what exactly it is that's keeping him from buying the car. Gerald mealy-mouths a response, and Jason wonders whether it's because he thinks he'll find a better one after he buys it? Or because he thinks he doesn't deserve it? Gerald gets impotently annoyed and tells Jason that he doesn't know him. Jason assures him he's not making fun of him, but tells him that all the salespeople have given up on Gerald and sent Jason -- "wheelchair guy, rookie" -- over there because nobody believes Gerald can actually "pull the trigger." Uh, what are we talking about here, again? Jason says that he knows Gerald loves this car, so much he comes in two days a week to look at it. Then he goes for the kill: "Gerald, life is too short. Take it from me. Things can change in an instant. So be a man. Buy this car." Gerald says he's going to think about it, and Jason tells him no, no more, because he's wasting everyone's time. He instructs the man that he loves this car, and so he needs to drive it off the lot today. "Buy it!" Gerald looks at him and says okay. "Pull the trigger." "Be a man." What exactly was Jason implying that buying this car was going to do for Gerald? Is Gerald going to make love to this truck? I think that's illegal in Texas! Jason calls Buddy over to get the paperwork started. Buddy looks at Jason with surprise and then shakes Gerald's hand.
Applebee's. Jean walks up to Landry who is -- I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS -- hanging out with Matt, Tim, and Smash. She tells him they made an A on their physics project. The boys greet this with insinuating grins. She then hands Landry a mix CD that she made him, to help him "embrace the cheese that is power metal." He points out that it says "Parking Lot Mix" on it, and she has to explain the reference. Landry goofily asks if he has to listen to the CD in a parking lot. Grooooan. Exactly the sort of weird thing you say when babbling on in front of someone you have a crush on. She suggests he can listen wherever, you know, bedrooms, too. The boys get all "oooo!"-y at that one. She leaves, and Tim says, "Soulmate, right there," with Matt adding, "God's little gift to Landry right there." But before we can continue enjoying this charming little storyline, we have to get wrenched back into Smash's dumb racism plot. His apology appears on the television playing in the restaurant, followed by an interview with the stupid whiny jerk he punched, who says that Smash is an arrogant thug who attacked them just because they are white and have money. What a joke. In what universe would this kid's "assault case" fly? Smash Williams is no lost corner kid, he's like a major community hero. Anyhow, Smash gets steamed watching this, which is quite convenient for the television reporters who immediately show up to trick him into some sort of confession.
Friday Night Lights, can we please stay the hell away from crime confession scenes for at least a few more episodes? Sheesh. The reporters badger Smash, Matt suggests that Smash tell the truth, and Gaius Charles is left with the only option he has with this awful script: go the "Mother! Sister! Mother! Sister!" route of acting confused. He pleads with them to all shut up and leave him alone, but when the reporter asks if his sister was hitting on the boy -- PUH-lease. Noannie is like thirteen. She's hitting on a seventeen-year-old? -- Smash finally snaps, telling the cameras (Seriously! Television cameras! Lying in wait for Smash in the Applebee's like he's Britney Spears going to...uh, Applebee's) that the white guys were saying foul things to him and his sister -- "racial things. Sexual and threatening." He says that he asked them to stop harassing his sister, but they didn't. The reporter wants to know if this means that Smash takes back his apology. This is what this plot is going to hinge on? Smash taking back an apology? Smash pauses and then says that the kid didn't deserve an apology; in fact, he deserved what Smash gave to him. Actually, he deserved worse. Cut over to Coach and Mac catching this interview in their office. Because they're hanging out in their office watching TV? What is any of this doing on TV in the first place? I mean, I know there's a writer's strike and all, but weren't there any hunting violations or hair-salon openings to cover?
Jason comes home to find Herc scrubbing a pot at the sink. Herc yells out that "hubby's home!" which is so totally endearing. Jason tells Herc that it was a pretty good day, that he sold a car. Herc wheels out of the kitchen with joy and says, "You're a salesman now! You're like Willy Loman!" I'm guessing Herc didn't get to the end of that play if he's comparing Jason the depressed salesman to Willy Loman the depressed salesman who kills himself. Jason is feeling sorry for himself and Herc tries to cheer him up, reminding him that he's got a little money in his pocket now. He suggests they go down to the rec center and get a pick-up rugby game going, then afterward go get some ribs -- he mimes holding some ribs up to his face and motoring across them with nibbling teeth -- some corn -- more nibbling -- and a hot chick -- still more nibbling. Maybe even the hot chick will have a friend for Jason, but probably one with buck teeth, you know, like, fangs. Herc's incessant jesting finally gets through to Jason, who agrees to go with him. He goes to get changed and tells Herc that dinner's on him -- he still owes him $19.40. So dinner and the girls, "both on you tonight." Herc fires right back, "No, well, the girls will be on me."
Speaking of boys girls are often on, Billy and Timmy Riggins are hanging out at The Playgirl Ranch, watching TV and talking about...the stock market? Okay, then. Billy has rattled off some names of associates of his -- Bubba, Bubbo, Bubbee (not really) -- and says that if those guys can make it on the stock market, why can't he. Tim laughs and asks Billy if he's really planning on applying his grade-nine education to the stock market. There's a knock at the door, and they both go into high alert. Which -- I confess I've never had someone make threats against my life, but I'm thinking if I did, and I was around three days into my seven-days-'til-death sentence, that I wouldn't be lounging around watching TV in my house. I don't know what I'd be doing -- maybe like cleaning the oven frantically or something? -- but it wouldn't be that. So Billy tosses Tim a golf club (love!) and goes to open the door, armed with a baseball bat himself. He opens the door and sees that it's Lyla and tries to pretend he was just, uh, practicing his swing. Tim comes to the door and Lyla hands him an envelope, telling him it's the money he owes. Tim says he doesn't want to bring her into this and won't take the money. She tells him that she's not coming back to his house anymore, that Chris makes her happy. Tim refuses the envelope in her outstretched hand, and she drops it on the doorjamb at his feet and walks away. Ice cold again! The Nordic Freeze is getting to her!
Volleyball match. Tyra is spiking the ball straight into the other team's brains, and Tami is cheering her on, like the rad bitch she is. More volleyball, more volleyball. Dillon is doing pretty well, and the score is tied near the end when Tami calls a timeout. The girls circle around and immediately start chalking up their score to luck. Tami tells them to stop it, that they are playing the game and winning the game. It isn't luck. One girl interjects, "Yeah but we are kinda lucky, cuz their star hitter is out sick!" Tami steamrolls right over her, trying to teach these girls some effing self-esteem. She tells them to keep working together, and just then "The Bomb" by New Young Pony Club starts in the background and you know things are going to start going down. Tami turns to Tyra and points her finger in the girl's face and tells her to just keep focusing on Riggins and jamming that ball down his throat. Yeah! Riot, grrrrl! Back to the game, and this is some fantastic music editing because it makes a high school girls' volleyball match look, like, awesome rather than thudding and ungraceful. Lots more volleyball, until Dillon catches the final point and then they shriek and jump like cute girls. Tami hugs Tyra and asks her, above the din, "You had fun, right?!" and Tyra really looks like she did. THANK GOD THAT MURDER IS OVER. Coach looks on at his wife proudly from the bleachers and calls out, "Good job!" What a good husband. Julie leans in and snarks, "So what are they, like, one and seven now?" Eric doesn't give her an inch: "What do you gotta be like that for? Mom is one and one!" Perfection.
The Riggins boys knock on the front door of the Ferret Castle. Ferret Guy opens the door, and they hand the money over and try to leave. Ferret Guy invites them in with a wave of the handgun in his fist. So, of course, they pretty much have to come in. It'd be impolite to refuse such an invitation. Inside the hovel, Ferret Guy counts out the money. He starts hassling Tim, and Billy starts getting a little hot and bothered. Ferret Guy gets to the end of the count, and Tim turns to go. But Billy has to get some last words in, declaring that this is over now and they don't owe Ferret Guy a dime extra. Ferret Guy resembles that remark! He says he doesn't want a dime extra. Billy demands that he never touch Tim again; Ferret Guy says he won't, as long as Tim doesn't give him reason to. Billy doesn't care if Tim does give him a reason, he wants Ferret Guy to promise he'll never touch his little brother again. Because the promises of gun-toting meth addicts really are worth their weight in gold. The situation escalates until Billy calls Ferret Guy fat and then sort of attacks him. Ferret Guy's posse get up and start flexing; Tim finally drags Billy off and they run out to the truck. Ferret Guy and his posse saunter after the frantic brothers, who are muttering about how he's got a gun. Tim can't quite get the truck to rev up, fumbling with keys and such, and so Ferret Guy approaches the window, raises his arm, and cocks the gun. Just then Tim steps on the gas and peels out.
Eric drives along, inscrutable in his sunglasses. Cut to him sitting on the couch with Corinna in the Williams house. Smash comes in the door, and his mom asks him to sit down. Eric tells him, slowly, that the Board called; Smash is suspended for three games. Smash doesn't think they can do this, and Coach tells him that they can and they have. Smash asks if it's because he told the reporter the truth, and his mom tells him it didn't help. Smash thinks for a moment and then realizes, "That's the rest of the regular season." Coach just nods his head. "How the hell are we gonna get to the playoffs?" Eric just looks down. Smash is about to cry as we cut away.