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So I know it's, like, my job and everything to watch this show and the plot twist was, like, laid out in the episode title and all but HOLY CRAP! Jason asked Lyla to marry him! Child brides!
So that happens. Also, Lady Mayor is totally a lezzzbian, which must make for quite the storehouse of Aqua Net up in that rustic ranch those ladies have. And Tami is going to work for the lezzzbian, working on her political campaign.
In football land, Smash's momma freaks out when she finds out that he's been juicing; she brings the evidence to Coach, but Taylor decides to just bench him for a game and not to tell the athletic board about his steroid use, and even Kyle Chandler's hair is like "Wha-wha??!?" when he shares that decision with Smash. That is not going to end well.
There's also something about Tyra's slutty mom and also about a football game and the Panthers winning, but did I tell you Jason asked Lyla to marry him? Have you ever heard of anything more stupidly awesome? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously, Jason loves Lyla, Matt's Dad loves George Bush, Smash loves the juice, and Tyra's mom loves it when men tell her she was asking for it.
The Taylors drive to school. For once the radio is not tuned to Slammin' Sammy Mead but instead a woman listening to another woman confess that she "loves him, but I'm not sure I'm ready to do time for him." Tami is in the front seat nodding along until Coach reaches to turn the channel, saying that he's had enough. The women immediately send up cries of protest, and Coach turns to his wife and asks if she really wants to listen to this story about a "girl runnin' around town robbin' liquor stores?!" Tami doesn't miss a beat and altos, "She's robbin' for love, hun." Coach wants to listen to Sammy Mead, and Julie pipes up from the back, reminding her dad that "Sammy Mead is just stress in a bottle." Her mom echos her daughter, turning to Coach and repeating "Stress in a bottle, hun, stress in a bottle." Coach realizes when the womenfolk have chased him out of the hen house, and he just cocks his head in exasperation as the radio host intones in the background "You are in control of your destiny...you are in control of your destiny." Tami, softly, "That's good advice."
Cut to a grey morning on the football field. Coach Taylor, popping sunflower seeds into his jaw, "Right now, you are in control of your destiny." He reminds the boys that last week they were stuck waiting on the results of a game that was out of their control. Now, if they win the game on Friday, they're going to the playoffs. Cut to the boys running plays while Taylor and Mac shoot the breeze. Mac wants to know if Taylor caught his interview on Sammy Mead that morning; Coach avers that "the girls had me listenin' to some damn psychologist this mornin'." Mac doesn't miss a beat and asks "Dr. Q?" Coach: "You listen to Dr. Q?" Mac: "I live by her." Coach: "Hm." Nice little set piece.
Cut to the Williams' house, where Corinna is in Smash's room, muttering to herself about having to clean up after the boy. His room really is a wreck. She exclaims, "You could at least make up the bed!" and leans over to straighten the linens. A little note of discovery plays on the soundtrack as she notices a bag in between the bed and the night stand. Smash! You couldn't find a better hiding place than that? Where do you think he keeps his condoms? Probably on his key chain that he leaves in the bowl by the front door when he comes home each day. Smash's Momma looks at the bag of syringes and vials and exclaims "Oh, naw!"
At the Taylors', Coach complains and sips whisky in his boxer shorts. I believe this was part of my dream last night, right after the bunnies wearing berets and right before Tim Riggins rode by on a white unicorn. He wants to know why they have to go to the Rodells. His hair is wet from the shower and its commentary is rather muffled. Coach leans back on the bed as Tami rushes around in a halter dress with her bra slashing right across the dress's open back. She pleads with her husband not to lay down, and then calls his attention two feet down the bed to where she's laid out all his ties and clothes. She grabs a tie and hooks it around his neck, tells him she doesn't know why they got invited to the Rodells, and then wonders what her husband is going to do about the Smash situation. Coach lets out a huge sigh and goes over his options. If he reports him -- "and I'm obliged to report him" -- Smash won't ever play football again. Tami: "Yup." But if Coach doesn't report him....he trails off. He concludes that he can't let Smash play "juiced," but he hasn't decided about reporting him.
Cut to the Alamo Freeze where the lighting is rather disco this evening. Tyra sits in a booth with her mom and Ole Sis, ragging on Tim trying to make up with her the other night: "So then he's like 'I'm sorry Tyra. I miss you'" Tyra's "Tim" voice is hilarious. Ole Sis weighs in on the issue in the classy manner we've come to expect from her: "Whatever. I'm sure there's a certain throbbing member of his body that misses you." Medicated Mom tells the girls to "stop it," not to advise them to stop being so gross but in order to say that Tyra should get back together with Tim because he's so cute. Tyra and Ole Sis exchange WTF glances as their mom slurs, "You can't argue that. He's very cute that kid." The camera pans over to Tim in a booth across the way, and, well, at least Bob hasn't smacked this lady's "hot or not" controls out of whack yet.
It's all fun and games, though, until we try to dry mom out and find her a job. Tyra reads a classified listing for a reception at Garrity's Good Deals, and Ole Sis reminds Tyra that their mom doesn't type fifty words a minute, "dumb ass." Tyra asks Ole Sis to stop criticizing and try to help out a bit more. Ole Sis reminds Tyra that she brings home half the rent every month and then says that she doesn't see much Applebee's money coming from Tyra, who suggests that perhaps a girl doesn't make as much money in tips when she leaves her clothes on. I don't know what kind of boring-ass Applebee's Tyra works in.
We leave the ladies of the night to join Jason and Lyla. Jason is in mid-interrogation regarding the John her dad has set her up with. Lyla is all Zen about it, while Jason is freaking out. He tells her that "it's annoying" that her dad has set her up on a date and that she does whatever he tells her to. Jason clearly is unfamiliar with the Pimps and Hos code. You do what your man tells you, is the foundation of that code. Lyla insists that it isn't a date and tells Jason that she won't go if he doesn't want her to. Jason can't take it that far and tells her that it's all right. The settle into an awkward silence until a table of girls calls over to Lyla to say hi. She goes over to say hi. Her very cute tunic top is a little too Shopbop.com for Dillon, I think. When Tyra sees Lyla get up to leave, she hoofs it out of her booth to go talk to Jason.
Tyra wants to know why Jason is with Lyla, "after what she did to you." Jason says he loves her, and Tyra smarms that "it seems like you can get away with anything when you're Lyla Garrity" just as Lyla comes back to the table. The girls deliver their friendly greetings with a side of arsenic, Lyla "sweetly" asking to get her seat back, Tyra agreeing, getting up and making herself an obstacle for Lyla sitting back down and then promptly grabbing a seat to sit down across from them. The timing of that little maneuver was perfect. Tyra asks Lyla about the position available at her dad's dealership. Lyla stonewalls her, saying she doesn't know anything about it, but that she's not sure Tyra's what her dad's looking for. Tyra takes it in stride and clarifies that she's inquiring for her mom, and the camera follows Lyla's gaze across the restaurant where Tyra's mom basically has cole slaw dripping out of her mouth and dead, dead eyes. Sheesh, show, consider your public service announcement about women who try to hold onto their hot youth for too long LOGGED and RECEIVED.
Mayor Rodell swoons across the (I'm sure) three-inch thick shag carpet in her flagstone-walled ranch house. She's glittering in gold jewelry and shellacked hair, and she is growling to the Taylors about how "Barbara is from a long line of Georgia Democrats. To this day, they talk about Jimmy Carter like he was the second coming." She sits down very closely to this Barbara who takes the conversational baton and runs with it, smoothly chuckling about her family and their obsession with Habitat for Humanity and how "when the two families get together, oh baby can things heat up." As she says this, she reaches over and pats Lucy on the knee, and the camera cuts to Tami looking shocked and distracted. It's the Ranch House of Lesbos! Taylor sort of stutters, trying to come up with something to say in response until Tami jumps in, "...that must be, that must be awkward!" and gives her husband a pointed glance.
Lucy goes for the jugular now, and addresses Tami: "Tami. You know I'm running for re-election." The two women are absolutely tremendous, in their shiny fabrics and clanking jewelry and tightened faces. I want to be a Texas Lesbian of A Certain Age! Lucy dramatically asks Tami to be part of her campaign team -- "You're a strong, smart, charismatic lady. Together, there's no stoppin' us." Tami responds, her voice going into the stratosphere as it does whenever she's nervous or lying, thanks them, tells them she's flattered, and asks for some time to consider it.
At the Williams house, Smash comes in, and his mother gives him a hard time that on top of everything else, he's keeping her up half the night wondering where he is. He marches up the stairs, and she asks where he's going. He pauses at the top of the stairs and shouts, "To my room! I'm goin' to my room!" She tells him to lower his voice, but he shouts back, "How could you be so stupid?" He tells her that if Coach reports him, he's off the team with no chance of a college scholarship. "You ruined my life, momma." She tells him she went to Taylor because she didn't want to think he was so stupid to do something like this on his own. Smash tells her, sincerely, "This is all I got and you took it away." His mom is obviously conflicted, and she lashes out, telling him to get out of the house until he can learn to respect her. Smash storms off and we end on Momma, standing to a large photo of Smash in his football uniform hanging on the wall.
Smash wakes in the early morning in his car, and then we fade to Smash in Coach Taylor's office, where Coach is giving him the Fatherly Death Rays of Disapproval. Smash admits that he made a mistake and tries to curry favor by asking Coach if he hasn't ever made a mistake. Smash's mom was right, kids are stupid. Coach runs with the question, telling Smash that, sure, he's made mistakes. He's forgotten something at the supermarket. He's been late for dinner, he's made a mistake on the football field that he regrets. "What you did? Wasn't any mistake, son. What you did was screwed yourself over and you screwed this team over. You know what you call that? You call that a stupid, dumbass, cowardly act is what you call that." Mistakes versus acts. You can always count on a Texas football coach for a crash course on philosophy and ethics. Coach demands that Smash tell him who knows about what he's been doing, and where he got the steroids. Uh, a real manly lady? Gasp! Do you think the Ranch House of Lesbos is in on this manly woman steroid ring?
Tyra comes home to find her loser mom sacked out on the couch. We're supposed to think the 12 ounce glass in front of her is filled with tea, but we know it's probably whiskey. In either case, poured to help wash down the Valtrex. Tyra asks her mom if she called about the job, but her mom just looks up at her awesome daughter in simpering helplessness. She says she can't make it without Bob. She continues, saying she knows that Tyra doesn't like Bob, but he was paying the bills. Tyra doesn't even honor that statement with a response and asks again if she called about the job at Buddy's. She did call, but she can't even get an interview. Must be something to do with those blank googly eyes she's got. She childishly throws herself back onto the pillows. Tyra is silent in the face of her mother's utter uselessness.
Coach is making an announcement in the locker room that Smash won't be playing in the game on Friday. The whole room erupts in moans and groans, but Taylor stonewalls them, telling them that "it's a personal issue." He quiets them, demands that the boys respect Smash's privacy, and then reminds them that they won't focus on the one person who is not on the field but instead they will focus on the forty-four that are out there. Kyle Chandler's hair, please note, becomes more and more incredulous as the episode goes on. The camera lingers on Smash, not really looking like he's learned much of a lesson yet. Let's check back in with him in twenty minutes or so, shall we?
At the Saracens', Matt sits two feet from the television, studying plays, while his grandmother chatters in the background about how "we got Brian not playing under mysterious circumstances." Matt tries to brush her nattering off, but she charms the pants right off of all of us when she leans toward Julie, who is sitting to her, quietly doing some homework, and pats her on the arm, "You know, it's too bad we don't have an insider, you know, someone who could shed some light on this." Julie smiles and tells Grandma that "he doesn't tell me anything." Grandma looks at Julie like she's an angel come down to earth (which she is, duh) and tells her "I just love your daddy...does he like cherry pie?" Way to take it a bit too far there, lady. You can always count on the senile to make everyone squirm a bit. Matt jumps in his seat and starts pointing at the television. He goes on about shifting and spread formations and single backs and safetys. Everyone leans forward to see what he's talking about and he goes on -- very cutely -- about how there's "basically an ocean" there and that he "can just fire pops right into there." He's excited and taking control of his own destiny just like Dr. Q said he should. But of course, his dad is sitting back and taking control of his assiness just like Dr. Ass recommends. He suggests that Matt just let Coach call the plays.
But Matt is too excited. He swears he's just discovered how they're going to win without Smash and then starts emphasizing far too much exactly what his dad will SEE when he ATTENDS the game on FRIDAY. He will SEE and then he'll SEE that Matt was right. Oh, Matt. Haven't you learned yet that every time you express joy, the world is right there to crush that joy? Henry slowly tells his son that he's been meaning to tell him, but...Matt: "What?" Soundtrack: "Cry, Drunken Bee, cry." Drunken Bee: "How can I cry when I am filled with so much hate?" Henry: "I'm shipping out on Friday." Matt: "Take heed, for I am the Second Coming." The poor boy, clearly crushed, still tells his dad that it's okay and everyone in the room looks sad and embarrassed and like they're kicking themselves for thinking Matt might be able to be happy for longer than two seconds. Grandma doesn't help when she proposes that perhaps "those solidiers over in I-raq might see that game. They see the Super Bowl! Have you heard that? They've got cable and all kinds of things over there. The highest technology. That's what I hear." Shut it, Grandma.
The Taylors are in bed, and somebody is in there with them: Mayor Lucy Rodell.
Not that way! They are watching Lady Mayor give some sort of press conference on TV. Tami remarks that she's a smart politician; Coach expands on this, "A smart politician with an alternative lifestyle." Chandler's delivery is so comfortably funny there. Tami laughs and jokes about how "shocking" it is, saying that the town just keeps getting weirder. Tami wonders why they chose them to open up to. Her husband pretends to consider this question seriously and replies that it is because she realizes "what a forward-thinking individual I am." Tami just chuckles and then leans in close to her husband and starts with the pillow talk: "I did look at her website." How many raucous nights in bed are started with that phrase I wonder? She continues, saying that Lucy's education plan looks really good. Hmmm. The situation is getting a little less hot now. Coach asks whether or not it would be too much for his wife, to deal with this new project and all his needs and demands, too. I wonder if there is a multi-tasking option here? For the satisfaction of both Lady Mayor's and Coach Taylor's needs and demands? Coach asks Tami if Lucy knows that she voted against her, but Tami brushes this fact off as "details" as they start making out.
There's a knock at the door, and Tami tells her husband that if it is Buddy Garrity at their door in the middle of the night, she's going to go right now and get his new deer rifle. Connie Britton, in a nightie, cocking a rifle? I'm afraid I do now mean that in a Voyeur Web sort of way.
Coach opens the door and finds Smash standing on his doorstep. Coach tells Smash that it is past eleven at night. Smash apologizes and tries to tell Coach how awful he feels. He screws up his courage and asks Coach if he's off the team, telling him that he deserves to know. Coach looks at the kid somewhat impassively before breaking into another rage at him. He shout-whispers that he should have reported this as soon as it happened. He tells Smash that he is risking his job, that "inside this house, I've got a wife and a daughter. They depend on me to provide for them. You understand that?" Cut to Smash, who's lowered his glance a bit, almost like he's almost ready to learn a lesson. Coach tells him that when he does make a decision, he'll let Smash know. But that until then, Smash just needs to keep his mouth shut. Smash leaves, and Coach turns back into his house where Kyle Chandler's hair looks like it's about to bitch slap the man for putting it all on the line like this.
Coach is briefing the press, with the emphasis on "brief." He refuses to say anything more than that the matter is internal and then walks out of the room where Buddy Garrity has been lurking and listening. Buddy -- who's getting more and more schticky -- tells Coach that "frankly, I'm hurt" that he hasn't told him what's going on. Coach repeats that the matter is internal. Buddy follows Coach into his office, pleading and declaring that "if anyone is internal, I'm internal. In fact, I'm probably the most internal son of a bitch you've ever met in your life." Coach tells him that he won't ever be able to talk about the matter, but Buddy persists. Matt Saracen knocks at the open door and Buddy tells him to hold on a minute. But Coach says, brightly, "Come in!" Matt hesitates, asking if "Mr. Garrity" is through, but Coach doesn't give Buddy a chance to reply as he utters forcefully through clenched teeth, "Come on in."
Matt stutters his way into the room, and Taylor glares Buddy out of the room. Coach doffs his cap, rubs his head in frustration, then dons his cap as Matt lays some diagrams on the table, talking something or other about how they can "audible out to the spreads." Taylor cuts Matt off and clenches at the poor boy, "Why don't you do your job and I'll do my job?" Matt protests a bit, but Coach says he'll take a look at Matt's plays and starts glaring him out the door. Matt stutters backward, but not without getting one last plug in for his plays. Coach turns the Fatherly Death Rays up to eleven, clenches that he will take a look at the plays, and Matt is out the door.
Cut to Herc and Jason in a pick-up. Jason is telling Herc to pull over "here here here." Herc wants to know where they're going as Jason pulls up the hood of his sweatshirt. "Whoa, there unabomber." Herc pulls the truck over and Jason tells him to look through the window over there. Lyla is sitting at a window table in the "oriental" restaurant. Herc exlaims, "Lyla Garrity! Shoo!" Jason asks Herc if he thinks she's with a family friend or on a date. Herc begins to answer "With her track record..." and Jason cuts her off. What did you think he'd say, bud? Jason looks crazy in his hoodie, and Herc tells him that "stalking is not becoming." Jason asks Herc to drive off, but Herc leans toward Jason's passenger side window and gimpily waves his hand. He honks the horn and yells "Hi Lyla!" as Jason pleads with him to move the truck along. Lyla glances out the window at the commotion and we cut to the pickup truck speeding off, two wheelchairs chumming around in the truck bed.
Oh, hello lover! They may keep you from me, but you can never keep me from you! (Herc: "Drunken Bee, stalking is not becoming"). Tim saunters out of school and runs into Tyra "Tall Drink of Bourbon" Collette. She immediately tells him she needs a favor but clarifies, "It's not going to involve thank-you sex, or make-up sex, or any kind of sex." How about refrigerated storage sex? Tim tells Tyra that it isn't all about sex for him. Because sometimes he thinks about blush application, too.
Cut to Tim standing in front of Buddy Garrity. This is truly a stretch. Why would Tyra send the boy that she knows Buddy knows fucked his daughter? Tim might want to tell me to get my mind out of the gutter, that it isn't all about sex. I'd say, if you want to tell me something, pick up the phone and call, pretty boy! Buddy tells Tim that his timing is terrible. Tim deadpans, "I get that a lot, sir." Buddy goes over the Henry Saracen debacle to Tim, and then points out the inappropriateness of Tim asking him for a favor. Tim looks down for a moment and channels Clint Eastwood when he looks back up at Buddy, "Sir, I know you're a big man in this town...and you don't owe me or anyone else any favors. But all Tyra's tryin' to do is help her mom." Robin Hood in Tights, this kid! Buddy is impressed by Tim's forthrightness and tells Tim that he's a good man. Ugh. Sometimes I really like this show's representation of masculinity, but sometimes it all gets a little too "traffic in women" for me. Buddy tries to pump Tim for information about Smash, but Tim is obviously telling the truth when he says that nobody knows what's going on. Buddy shakes his hand and tells Tim to send the slutbag over for an interview tomorrow afternoon.
Smash comes home, his little sister cuddled up with his mother. Little sis goes upstairs and the soundtrack hits the Crying Note as Smash launches right into a really beautiful and sad monologue. He tells his mother that he's disgraced himself and the family. "God gave me a way to support this family, and I threw it away." Corrina is looking at him so softly, and Smash starts going back into the "my life is over without football" spiral until she interrupts him to tell him that he needs to let God lead him in a different direction, that she knows that without football there are no scholarships, no big house for her. She stands up and tells him that she doesn't need a big house. She places a hand on his cheek and tells her son that she loves watching him play football, that he looks so beautiful out there, but that sometimes she wishes he didn't have so much expectation on him. She wishes sometimes he could just be a kid. Oh! Tears! It's like a sublime James Wright poem up in here!
Buddy Garrity pulls up his driveway where Jason sits, as usual, in the bushes. Hey! It's That Weird Lurky Wheelchair Guy! You can see their breath as they talk, which makes it all feel more football-y to me. Jason tells Buddy that he's there to see him, not Lyla, and immediately demands why Buddy set Lyla up on a date. Buddy tells Jason that she needs to start pulling in tips, is why. Kidding! Buddy doesn't respond, so Jason provides the answer he's sure is right: "If I wasn't the town cripple, you wouldn't be setting your daughter up on dates." Sometimes, with all this cripple talk, I think Jason thinks he's Oliver Twist or something. Buddy tells him to quit that kind of talk, but Jason keeps pressing, telling Buddy that he knows he's just trying to show Lyla that there are other choices out there. And, believe me, I'm no Buddy Garrity fan, but I'd be pretty into trying to get my child -- son or daughter -- to date more than one person in his or her lifetime. Buddy tells Jason how much the Garrity family loves him, but Jason cuts him off, "Please do not patronize me," lifting a gimpy hand in protest. "Mr. Garrity. You sent your daughter on a date. And I asked you why. Now can we please speak honestly about this?"
Plinky guitars of conversational revelation play in the background as Buddy finally gets honest. "I looove that little girl in there. That's my daughter. And I want her to have a great life. And I'm reeal uncertain about the future here." Buddy then lays out his Concerns by Idiotic Numbers: how will Lyla get money? How will Jason get money? Will he go to college? Will she? Answered easily by 1) Get a job 2) Get a job 3) Yes 4) Um, that's up to you, fat man, why don't you try suggesting your daughter prepare for college? Then Buddy, unimaginative man that he is, really latches on to the question of whether or not Jason can have children. Jason answers quietly that they don't know yet, like finding out about his ability to have his own children will be the end of the issue. All the orphaned babies across the world cry and cry. But to no avail, because as Buddy now brings up, it's not like Jason can comfort these crying babies what with his being so protozoa-like now that he's in a wheelchair. Buddy starts spazzing out about if they do have children, who will go take care of the baby in the middle of the night? First of all, Buddy, obviously the woman would, and second of all, it's called a damn single-level ranch house. Everyone in Texas has one.
Buddy finally, at the end of his course on Disability Bigotry, finally lands on one reasonable concern that a father might have with his daughter marrying someone with paralyzed legs: "I don't want Lyla to be a caregiver her whole life" -- however, as far as I can tell, nobody in the Garrity family is encouraging her to actually do anything other than take care of a family, so this is sort of a pot/kettle situation. Buddy continues, "I know that's a bitter pill to swallow...and Lyla Garrity? She loves you, she'd follow you into hell. You sure you want to lead her there?" Oooh, evil Buddy Garrity.
Speaking of women who do and do not know how to do things...Tyra drives her mom down a lonely Texas road while her mom bitches about the Garrity family. "I mean, Pam? I don't know who she thinks she is. She doesn't even look at me in the market!" That's probably because you're too busy slathering yourself in peanut butter and singing "One!" from A Chorus Line, lady. Tyra tries to get her mom to focus on getting the job, but her mom wonders under what sort of circumstances she could take a job from Buddy Garrity. Tyra hypothesizes, "How 'bout eviction? I'm just thinkin'" Her mom continues to whine, but the tire in the truck blows, and they go skidding into the corn fields in pretty dramatic fashion. Tyra gets out of the truck and kicks at the ground in frustration while her mom hangs out the window and declares that God does not want them to go to Buddy Garrity's. And for the third time this episode, Tyra looks off into the distance in total frustration at something her mom just said. Getting to be like we need a "wah wah wah!" at the end of these two's scenes.
At the Dillon Bus Depot (which is marked by a beautifully plain fifties-era sign with a great font), Matt, Grandma, and Julie have gathered to say goodbye to their dead weight, ahem, father and son. Grandma tells her son that she put a surprise in his bag that he'll find once he gets to Iraq. Better check before then, Henry. Odds are she shoved a kitten into a Ziploc for you to cuddle with later. Grandma natters on about how Henry just needs to ask about getting to watch Matt's game on the TV over there. The camera cuts to Matt who stands a little ways away from his father, not looking at him. The bus pulls up, and everyone starts saying goodbye. Julie tells Henry that it was nice meeting him and wishes him a safe trip. Richard Buckner's "Figure" has started in the background, and a perfect small bit of the lyrics -- "I'm not some clipped lil' clipper / just a friend without much time / I'll send off a postcard to stay inside of you" -- plays just as Matt throws his arms around his father's neck and clings to him for dear life. Henry stands there stiffly, his heart apparently as paralyzed as Jason's legs, and then tells his son to keep his feet moving. He extricates himself from the hug and gets on the bus. As it pulls off, it kicks up all kinds of sad dust in its wake. Matt, Grandma, and Julie are tiny standing on the road, all looking after the bus until Grandma turns to Matt and just sort of walks into him for a hug. She seems mentally clear when she says they'll be all right, and when she takes one arm and beckons Julie into the hug, I die from a broken heart. Have some mercy show! This is all almost as sad as seeing Buckner open for Son Volt in 1996, the poor band that thought it could stand a chance against Wilco. Now that was sad.
Coach Taylor stands in the back of a coach's meeting while Mac drones on about some plays up by the white board. Tami walks in, and it's like she's the Goddess of Eros walking across a planet of dorks. She apologizes for interrupting, and Coach pulls her into his office. He's not happy she's interrupting his dork time, but she's come to tell him that she's going to work for Mayor Rodell's campaign. Coach has a handful of nuts or something in his sweaty fist and is tossing them into his mouth. Sweaty nuts. Mmmmm. No, seriously, he's totally hot when he does this move. Coach is really disingenuous when he tells his wife, "That's great!" He can't resist getting into her business (who could, really?), though, and so follows that up with, "I'm sure she realizes how great you are." Pause. "I'm sure she realizes you're the coach's wife," and Tami gets set off immediately. As she should! Jesus, man. I'm hardly worried that Lucy Rodell is after your wife to get to you! Coach tells his wife that he doesn't like politicians, and that he's worried about "that little reveal the other night," saying that if it gets out in town, it'll be bad for Rodell and for anyone close to her. Tami is like "Wait? You don't want me to do this because she's a lesbian?" and at this they go into their Bringing Up Baby routine again, sparring and jarring one another as they argue about why Coach doesn't -- yet again -- want her to take on a potentially meaningful job. They pause and stare one another down, but Coach realizes who wins this one. "There's never a dull moment with you!" Tami looks so fetching as she tucks her hands in her pockets, shrugs her shoulders and tells her husband this is why he married her. Coach goodnaturedly says he can't quite remember why he married her. I can. And they are named Friend One and Friend Two. Tami gives her husband a kiss and "thanks" him for her support.
The Collette women are finding out that apparently their Friends One and Two are getting in the way of them being able to change a tire. This is unacceptable. As a certain purty Texan gal I watched the episode with remarked, "My daddy taught me three things. How to change a tire, how to check the oil, and how to jump a battery." Apparently Bob has not been so conscientious. Tyra's mom is struggling with "this thing" and "that thing" and concludes "it obviously doesn't work!" and throws the lug wrench onto the ground and stomps off into the muddy field. She screams that she is NOT cut out for this, that she doesn't know how to change a tire and doesn't want to know. Tyra insists that this is not the end of the world. Her mom finally turns toward the camera which has her in a mid-range shot and holy crap her Friends One and Two are feeling rather jaunty today! Is this why I haven't been getting the jobs I want? Because I'm not wearing a jacket that won't button across my chest?
Her mom asks Tyra what's gotten into her, "I mean, was Bob so bad?" Tyra loses it here, "HE HIT YOU!" and even this doesn't snap her mom out of it. "I told you he was workin' on his anger," she says. Tyra REALLY loses it (and I wonder where the escalation will end, because this lady seems to be a bottomless pit of crazy), "OH MY GOD!" She pleads for her mom to think, if not of herself, of her daughter. Tyra declares her love for her mother and then declares that her worst fear is that she'll become her mother. "And, call me crazy, but if we don't change this tire right here by ourselves? We're both doomed." Yes! Girls!
Out at the abandoned Dillon Raceway, our two favorite mobility-challenged boys wheel around, taking swigs of whiskey out of a paper-bagged bottle. Call ME crazy, but it looks to be pretty fun to get drunk and wheel around in a wheelchair. Jason tells Herc about confronting Buddy, and Herc deadpans, "I bet that went well." Jason laughs and says it did. He tells Herc that Buddy told him that he wanted his daughter to have a -- and here, big air quotes from Jason -- "good life." But his air quotes are sort of more like air claws, and Herc laughs, "Hehhehheh, 'quad quotes'." Jason gets serious for a moment, telling Herc that Buddy made him think about how he's been selfish since the accident, that he hasn't thought much about her, "about how being with me is going to define her." Tell it, brother. I wish my husband had thought a little bit more about how being with him was going to define me. As the wife of that guy who gets on the furniture and yells "Woooo!" at every party he goes to.
Herc asks Jason what he's going to do, and Jason says "I don't know. Maybe let her go? Maybe it's time to let her go." Jason is clearly looking for advice, and Herc obliges, "You know I'm no Lyla fan, but you listen to me, grasshopper" -- hee -- "There's going to be a million Buddy Garritys out there who will try and tell you that you aren't worth anything." Herc is gesturing big and drunk, and he tells Jason that what he needs to do is look these Buddy motherfuckers out there right in the eye and "flip 'em the bird," at which he unfurls his arm toward Jason to reveal the back of his hand, all of his fingers curled back toward him. Pause. "Just like that?" Jason asks, and the two break into convulsions. Herc pulls up a bit and tells his young charge, "Cuz Buddy Garritys of the world, they're a cancer to you and me." Yes! Quads! This really was a heartwarming scene.
Commercials. Football. Nine minutes left in the game. Announcers blabbing about Smash "ridin' the pine" which is "a mystery wrapped in an enigma hog-tied and shut up tight." Heh. That's some good sports radio nonsense right there. Tim takes it up the middle a bit. Everyone cheers, Second and six, Saracen tosses it to Riggins AGAIN and he gets to third and one. And then? ANOTHER hand-off to Riggins, who gets stopped short. Saracen calls a time-out, and the announcer notes that Coach is not sending the punting unit out even though it's fourth and eight. Saracen lays out his plan that will generate "like, an ocean between the safeties." Aw, sweetheart picks a descriptive phrase and sticks with it. Coach tells Matt that the other team plays the safeties back so far because they're the best safeties in the UNIVERSE, that they're trying to lure QBs into "firing pops." Mac weighs in from the background that "it's a trap!" It isn't Mission: Impossible out there, pal. Coach disdains Mac's squawks and asks Matt if he can hit the receivers. Matt's blue eyes burn through the bars across his helmet as he says he can. Coach tells Matt that if he misses, they'll be watching the playoffs on their couches. Matt assures Coach he can do it. And Coach does what a good man should, he sets his little bird free: "Take a shot, then. Take a shot."
Tears! Really? In the middle of the game? Yes. Tears. Because of all the pressure on these boys and the beauty of someone placing their faith in someone else. Tears, dammit, tears!
Matt runs back on the field, and the announcer registers his surprise. Matt calls the play, and even if this is all bullshit -- a team running a play they haven't ever practiced or even know anything about -- I love the narrative thrust of the experiment. Matt calls the play, hits Tim Riggins, who breaks a tackle and makes it to the endzone, no doubt with the help of Coach Taylor who's doing that dorky "go, go, go!" circular arm motion, lateral skip thing that football coaches do. Everyone cheers, hooray! Now let's get back to the good stuff.
Buddy is hosting a celebration at the dealership, and this is so much less stressful than the last time we saw these boys in this place. Matt approaches Coach, who's in a sweatshirt trying to make the television screen explode with hot dadness (he's totally a D.I.L.F., right?). Matt stutters up to Coach, who's craning his head around looking past Matt, in order to thank him. Coach pulls no punches with this kid, though, and he gruffly says, "Huh?" so that Matt has to repeat himself, thanking Coach for trusting him enough to pull that play off tonight. Coach tells Matt that he did good, but to just keep his head on straight, "then we'll start congratulatin' each other." Matt shuffles off, and Coach catches a glimpse of Lucy Rodell rubbing up pretty close to Tami. Lucy is talking a bunch of sweet nonsense to Tami, who is apparently finding her ladyfriend to be a bit of a close talker. Coach rolls his eyes and wanders in the opposite direction.
Tyra and her mom stalk into the dealership, the latter with streaks of mud on her chest. Ladies. Just because you got dirty doesn't mean you need to stay dirty. Buddy is deep into a good ol' boy conversation with some dudes and it appears he is talking about how he loves his "collaborative" relationship with Coach Taylor. Tyra interrupts the circle jerk and immediately launches into an apology about her mom missing her appointment. Buddy clearly doesn't know these two from a hole in the wall and tells Tyra that he doesn't mind them missing the appointment. He mentions in passing that he filled the position, tossing the information off like it's nothing, just like a rich man would. Tyra's mom walks up behind her daughter and introduces herself to Buddy, who sort of stutters in the presence of her Friends. She introduces herself as Angela, and Buddy says maybe they can discuss the position right now. Angela whispers and cocks her head and flirts as they walk off (Buddy tossing off some sort of request to his friend Reg about keeping his wife away), and Tyra watches this all go down with complete wonder. Wah wah wah!
Coach greets Mrs. Williams and asks if he can have Smash for an hour or so. She gives her permission. The camera pans across to Buddy's office where Angela gets up and clasps her hands in front of her chest, smiles like a pretty little doll, and shakes Buddy's hand just like she's playing Office Receptionist! She comes out of the office and squeals to Tyra that she got the job. Tyra asks her whether the typing was a problem, and her mom says, "I don't know, didn't come up!" Neither did salary or benefits, it turns out, but Angela insists her daughter loosen up and come celebrate. They hug and Tyra makes eyes at her mom, "Let's get drunk!" Aw. Or, "Wah wah wah!"
Cut to a shot through the windows of a glassy diner. Very Nighthawks. Cut inside where Coach tells Smash that when he was young they used to do crazy things and then "come down and get burgers at Lenny's." Which is presumably where they are now. He then says, "What I'm about to say stays between you and me." Kyle Chandler's hair is standing on end, pretty much screaming its protest of this decision. The hair is the equivalent of having somebody standing behind Coach mugging and making dramatic gestures, a knife across the throat, a big "X" slashed through the air, a mimed man hanging himself with a rope around his neck. So it isn't a surprise, because the hair has foreshadowed Coach's decision, when Coach says he won't report Smash. He tells the kid that he'll need to submit to private drug testing until he can trust him again. Which will probably be never. Smash tries to thank him, but Coach cuts him off and says, sotto voce, "See that kid washing dishes back there?" Cut to an young African-American man behind the counter bent over a sink. Coach explains that he once was a quarterback at Westerby, that he was on the famous Grady Hunt 100, that he went to Notre Dame but never made it past sophomore year. Coach asks Smash to consider the irony in getting into this mess because he didn't think he was big enough. He instructs the young man that "you don't listen to Grady Hunts of this world. You listen to people who love you, and you listen to people you trust. Most of all you listen to yourself." Solid advice. Also a nice echo of Herc's advice about "the Buddy Garritys of this world." This is quite an elegant script, Mr. Katims. Coach reminds Smash how far he's sticking his neck out for him and tells him not to forget it. Kyle Chandler's hair is like, "I can't do a thing with this man!"
Lyla walks up to her house, girlish goodbyes issuing from the car speeding away. Lyla might think she's in for an uneventful ten-foot walk up her front walkway but -- dun dun dun! She did not count on Hey! It's That Lurky Wheelchair Guy! lurking in his wheelchair in the bushes again. Jason inches toward her, and she is sort of hesitant around him which doesn't make too, too much sense. They didn't really have a fight, did they? He asks how lunch was, and she says she thinks he knows. He chuckles, "Busted!" Jason reaches out and grabs the end of her coat to pull her closer to him. He tells her she's beautiful and smart and talented and "you got your whole future ahead of you" which causes her to furrow and exclaim, "Oh, my God you're breaking up with me?!" She bends down to his level -- oh, so clever, show -- and he puts a quieting finger to her lips as he continues. He tells her he'd spent the last few hours with Herc -- same night? so what is coming up is perhaps a P.U.I.? -- and that during that time he tried to convince himself that he was just a thorn in Lyla's side. But then he started thinking about why he likes Herc so much. "Cuz he...he took his handicap and he didn't settle for just becoming as good as he was before, he tried to become a better man." Jason continues, rather tortuously (and also rather oddly Herc-focused for what's coming up), saying that he wondered what Herc would do in Jason's shoes. Lyla snarks, "He would dump me and go after Tyra!" Jason shushes her but she follows up, "He would! He told me!" and that is a great joke right there. I love imagining the situation where Herc told her that.
But it's no time for jokes because there are rash decisions to be made. I bet if we looked in the bushes behind them we might see Kyle Chandler's hair back there making wild "don't do it!" gestures. Jason says "Lyla, I love you more than life itself. And I have loved you like that since the first moment I laid eyes on you. Lyla Garrity? Will you marry me?"
And I would be lying if I said I didn't actually shriek the first time I watched this. But you know who shrieked louder? Kyle Chandler's hair, that's who.