It's been so long since I've spent any time with these characters that I keep expecting them to seem different since the last episode I watched. Hmm, Dad Weir sure hasn't changed any. In the opening scene, he's putting Lindsay down for wanting to attend a Who concert. After sarcastically suggesting that she also see the Stones at Altamont, he asks, rhetorically, "What's not fun about sitting around in a cloud of marijuana smoke watching some maniac wag his bloody tongue?" Right, like Joe Flaherty never did that himself, back in the day? Lindsay's stretching pretty hard as she tries to promote the concert as a cultural event, informing her mom that The Who wrote a rock opera. She wisely leaves out the fact that the rock opera in question sucks. Hard. Look, I might as well mention right up front that I really can't stand The Who. Just about the only song of theirs that doesn't make me long to plunge red-hot knitting needles into my eardrums is "Eminence Front," and that's only because it sounds like it's played by a band that is totally not The Who. So if you really, really want to know the names of any Who songs that may crop up in this episode, I'm afraid you're on your own. Dad Weir agrees with me about Tommy. Joe Flaherty's superb comic timing perfectly conveys Mr. Weir's derision as he says, "I'm sure it's terrific." Mom Weir helps out by noting that Lindsay's been to concerts before. She cites the Rich Little "concert" the whole family attended last summer. Mrs. Weir is as cute as ever. I guess Sam hasn't changed much either. He's still hovering on the brink of violently working my nerves, and he's still making jokes that aren't very funny. Here he does an impression of Rich Little doing an impression of Johnny Carson that majorly cracks up all the Weirs except Lindsay, who points out that "Rich Little isn't a concert." That is so true, Lindsay. Mom Weir wants to know whether the band is loud. Lindsay claims that they're not, but Sam pipes up with the utterly unhelpful info that the Guinness Book of World Records called The Who "the loudest band on Earth." Let's all share in my shame, shall we, as I confess that I used to like to read the Guinness Book of World Records, too. I was a little younger than Sam at the time, but still. Sam is delighting in trying to mess things up for Lindsay because the parents have told him he's not allowed to see The Kentucky Fried Movie. Ah, what a charming fellow, no? Dad Weir agrees to listen to a Who record. He will let Lindsay go to the concert if there's nothing objectionable on the album. I take it he means "objectionable" as in vulgar, rather than just the general offensiveness of all the crappy music one would find on a Who album. Lindsay is confident that Dad will let her go to the concert, though he warns her, "Don't get ahead of yourself -- I'll be listening to it backwards, too." Heh.
Guess what -- Bill still sucks at sports. I don't know why Coach "Biff" Fredricks even bothers to look frustrated by that fact. You'd think he would have come to terms with it long ago. Martin Starr does some excellent physical comedy with Bill's basketball playing. At least, I hope it's acting. No one could actually be as uncoordinated as Bill, could they?
Over in the lunchroom, the freaks are rhapsodizing about The Who. Nick says that seeing them in concert blew his "mind." Ken can't wait to hit their concert in Detroit. He says he hopes his ears start bleeding. Well, I'd be happy to lend him my red-hot knitting needles if he wants to poke out his own eardrums at the concert. I certainly won't be needing them, since it's not like I'd be caught dead anywhere near the show. Nick hopes that Lindsay will be allowed to attend, though, since he wants to sing her a song he wrote to tell her about his feelings. Good God, Nick, is that really necessary? Now I'm having flashbacks to that painful "Lady" incident. Ken points out that Nick doesn't know how to play the guitar. Nick proves him wrong by showcasing the two chords he does know in a spirited rendition of "Michael, Row the Boat Ashore." He must be a little more confused (okay, stoned) than usual, because he claims this is a song he wrote for Daniel and Ken. He doesn't get very far into it, though, because Mr. Kowchevski walks up and says, "Hey, hey, Coco, this isn't the cafeteria from Fame. Uncle, uncle." In case you don't remember who Coco was, let Daniel refresh your memory: "She's the hot chick who took her shirt off in the movie." Okay, thanks for the info, Daniel.
Over at the Haverchuck abode, Bill is picking out slices of individually wrapped processed cheese food from the fridge. I'm happy to report that he doesn't just chow down on them, but makes a grilled cheese sandwich instead. He eats his lonely snack in front of the TV, watching a young Garry Shandling doing some stand-up. Shandling makes him laugh pretty hard, which is unfortunate, since it allows us to see far too much of the half-chewed dinner residing in Bill's mouth. His mom, Gloria, comes home from a bad day at her waitressing job, moaning about how little she made in tips. This causes Bill to worry that she might go back to "dancing," but she says that no one would want to see "an old broad" like her dance, anyway. Bill is embarrassed by that. It gets worse, though. Gloria tells him that they will be having a dinner guest. Bill hopefully asks whether it will be his father. Poor Bill's pathetic eagerness is heartbreaking, as is his disapproval of his mother's "friends." This is one of the best scenes on the show, ever -- and, believe me, that's saying something. Gloria tells Bill that her new friend is someone he knows. Bill asks if the friend is Neal's dad, the notorious philanderer. Gloria sounds like a twelve-year-old as she giggles and calls Mr. Schweiber "gross." It turns out that Gloria's friend is none other than Coach Fredricks, which is probably about the worst news Bill could receive. Gloria makes an effort to sell Biff as a great guy, but Bill's not buying it. When he finds out that Gloria thinks the relationship is serious, he insists that she must dump Biff. There's a knock at the front door. Golly, I sure do wonder who that could be.
Lindsay and Kim are discussing concerts as they get into Kim's car. As they start driving, Kim informs Lindsay that Stevie Nicks is allegedly a witch. Kim says that she would like to put a voodoo spell on Daniel to keep him in line. That scares Lindsay, who says that voodoo is serious stuff. I don't know much about it, but I recently tried out a voodoo protection spell against my evil, moronic boss, and I'm happy to say she's now my evil, moronic ex-boss, so maybe there's some truth to it. Kim says, "It's about time I had some supernatural powers." The idea of Kim with supernatural powers has to be one of the scarier notions I've ever contemplated. The car makes a loud clunking noise, convincing Lindsay that they've run over something. Kim thinks it's just the result of Daniel's mechanical skills -- or lack thereof -- since he was recently working on her car. Poor dude. Does he have any skills or talents?
Back at the Haverchuck house, Gloria, Biff, and Bill are having dinner. Bill is dejected and silent. He doesn't even warm up when Biff asks his pick for best movie of all time. Then again, Biff doesn't really give Bill time to answer; he just plows ahead with his opinion of Carl Weathers's physique in his own favourite movie, Rocky II. He claims that the sequel was much better than the original Rocky. For all I know, he may be right, since I've never been able to sit through even five minutes of any of the thirty or so Rocky movies. Whenever I think of Sylvester Stallone -- which I try really hard not to do, generally speaking -- all that comes to mind is the old Spy magazine article that relates that he was once photographed in his study looking very involved in reading a book -- which turned out to be a dictionary. It will come as no great surprise that Biff is not overly fond of Bill's favourite comedian, Bill Murray, claiming that "somebody ought to smack some sense into that guy." When Bill defends his namesake, Biff does a nice job of trying to be diplomatic. He makes the mistake of trying to encourage Bill to do better in Gym class, though. When Gloria excuses herself to use the restroom, Bill says, "We don't have a restroom; we have a toilet." Whatever it's called, Gloria leaves to make use of it, while Biff and Bill fall back into tense silence. Biff sighs. By the way, it turns out his real name is Ben Fredricks, but he'll always be Biff to me.
At school, Lindsay and Kim are joking and giggling when they run into an exceedingly glum Millie. When asked what's wrong, Millie replies, "Goliath's dead." Kim snickers and asks, "Who's Goliath?" Lindsay tells her that Goliath was Millie's dog.. She is totally sympathetic to Millie as she asks for details. When Millie mentions that the person who ran over Goliath didn't even stop, Kim and Lindsay obviously realize that they were the ones who killed the dog. They don't say anything to Millie, though.
In the lunchroom, Kim and Lindsay do confess to Ken and Daniel. Ken asks Kim whether she killed the dog with her "bare hands." That almost makes up for his annoying statement, that "girl plus car equals dead animal." Kim is too upset to kick him in the crotch for that remark. Lindsay thinks they should tell Millie what happened, but Kim doesn't want to. Ken makes a pathetic attempt to cheer up Kim by pointing out that at least she didn't kill a human. Kim says that what happened is worse, because she likes dogs. I like most animals better than I like most people, so I can relate. It's hard not to feel sorry for Millie, though. She's eating lunch alone, looking so down that her face is almost on her lunch tray.
The geeks are walking down the stairs, discussing something geeky; they run into Biff, who greets Bill happily. Much to Bill's consternation, Biff starts complimenting Gloria's cooking. Sam and Neal look on in disbelief, and when Biff departs -- after a hearty "see you in Gym class, big guy" -- Bill looks like he's going to vomit. Sam asks, "What the hell was that?" Bill tries to extricate himself from questioning by playing dumb, stammering, "Wh-what?" It's about as good as ploy as our rabbit, Bouncer, used to use when he was going through a period of acting out his dominance by peeing on our living-room couch. He knew he wasn't supposed to be on that couch, and if he saw us watching him when he wanted to jump up, he would back away nonchalantly. I honestly think he used to believe that, as long as no one saw him in the act of urinating on the couch, we wouldn't know it was him doing it -- like it might have been some other rabbit who broke into our apartment and took a leak on the couch. When we put the couch out by the side of the road, I must have gotten the garbage pickup day wrong, because it was out there for almost a week. I used to snicker every time I walked by it and imagined what strangers must think as they looked at the final urine stains that I just couldn't face cleaning and that had pushed me over the edge into getting rid of the couch. Sadly, Bouncer is now gone, too, and when he died, I was about as broken up as Millie is over Goliath. Bouncer definitely made up in sweetness what he lacked in brains. Just like Bill. Obviously traumatized, Bill has to tell Sam and Neal that his mom is dating Coach Fredricks. He warns them not to say anything about it.
Millie walks into a classroom and sits down at a desk to Kim. Kim looks up and, after deliberating for a moment, asks Millie how she is. Millie looks shocked that Kim is speaking to her. It's Kim's turn to be shocked when Millie says she didn't do any of the class assignment since she was up all night crying over Goliath. Kim shares a story about her dog who died. Her dog's name was Bobo, which makes me laugh because a friend of mine once dated a guy whose nickname was Bobo. It was a short-lived match made in hell, but I used to like to collect and pass on the flyers a local Chinese restaurant handed out, in which they would advertise their "Bobo Balls." Millie and Kim bond over their lost pets for a while. Millie actually cheers up for a bit, until Kim tells her about how Bobo -- the dog, that is -- was epileptic and used to soil himself and the house during his epileptic fits, so her parents had him put to sleep. Millie invites Kim to Goliath's funeral. She accepts.
In Gym class, Sam and Neal are sitting together on the bleachers. Neal calls Biff "Bill's future dad." He says he can see why Biff is dating Gloria, since "she is kind of hot." Sam is shocked and offended by the fact that Neal is discussing his friend's mother in a sexual way. I think Neal's right about Gloria, and I'm not particularly shocked, though I wouldn't be surprised if, because of his philandering dad, Neal may grow up with an issue or two about sex. Biff claims that the class contains a few "potential basketball superstars," some of whom might even make the team. He's staring at Bill, who rolls his eyes. Fredricks orders the boys to warm up by running ten laps around the gym. Hurrah! We get to watch Bill run some more! Or maybe not. Bill tells Mr. Fredricks he can't run. He adds, "I have better things to do than run around a gym and shoot a stupid ball in a hoop." Biff asks what better things Bill has in mind. Bill replies, "Anything. Pick my nose and eat it, or read the comics, or go to the bathroom. Anything is better than Gym class." Word, Bill. I'm all for exercise, but I can't see how forcing people who suck at team sports to play the hated sports in question ever did anyone any good. The class is laughing with Bill -- except for Alan the Bully, who tells Biff to "kill him." Biff goes up even higher in my estimation when he turns on Alan and tells him to shut up. Even that doesn't impress Bill, who gets up to leave. When Biff warns Bill that he'll be in "big trouble" if he goes, Bill sing-songs back, "What are you gonna do, tell my mom?" Biff is speechless. Fickle Alan laughs and whispers, "Never thought I'd say this, but Haverchuck's the king!"
Goliath does, indeed, get a funeral, at which Millie gives a touching speech saying that he's in heaven now. She invites Lindsay to give a eulogy. At first, Lindsay feels too guilty to say anything, but Kim, who is crying, pushes her to make a speech. Lindsay starts awkwardly, but by the time she gets to the part about Mom Weir going to Millie's house wearing furry boots which Goliath would hump, all three girls manage to laugh a little. Lindsay finishes off her eulogy by saying that Goliath lived "a long and happy life." She stresses the word "long," her guilt obvious.
Chez Haverchuck, Bill's chowing down on a healthy breakfast of Count Chocula when Biff walks into the kitchen clad only in an undershirt and a pair of boxers. Gloria comes in, tying the sash on her bathrobe as she looks coyly at Bill, which is a little weird and tacky, if you ask me. The Who's "Love, Reign O'er Me" plays in the background. Wow, maybe there's a second Who song that doesn't suck. When Bill sees Biff drinking out of a mug emblazoned with the name "Bill," it's the final straw. He gets up and leaves, while Gloria and Biff look at each other unhappily. I think it's safe to say the afterglow is over.
Later, at school, Kim and Millie are walking through the hall together in a chummy fashion. They meet up with Lindsay, and Millie asks whether Lindsay wants to join her and Kim for a trip to the record store; Millie wants to buy some Who albums so that she can sing along at the concert. Aw, she's so cute. Lindsay is shocked that Millie's parents would let her attend a rock concert, but Millie explains that since Goliath died, her parents have let her do pretty much anything she wants. Lindsay gets all protective, encouraging Millie to go home and study for tomorrow's Trig test. Kim rolls her eyes and starts to duke it out with Lindsay for Millie's soul. Evil triumphs, and Millie decides to blow off her Trig test and go to the record store. As Kim walks away, she reminds Millie to wear her big coat with the pockets. Millie, who really is a little too naïve for words, excitedly tells Lindsay how much Kim "loves" her big coat: "She's been talking about it all day!" Lindsay looks a little ill. Millie apologizes for having been suspicious of Lindsay's freak friends in the past. I didn't think it was possible for Lindsay to look any queasier than she did a minute ago, but somehow she manages it.
The Weir parents are sitting in a wood-paneled room -- they probably call it the rec room or something. According to the closed captioning, they're listening to the Who song "Squeeze Box." At first, the Weirs agree that the tune is "kinda catchy," but then the singing begins. Dad Weir hears, "Mama's got a squeeze box she wears on her chest," and asks, "Is it just me, or does that sound filthy?" Mom Weir tries to explain that it's about an accordion, but Dad is skeptical. When they get to the part about Mama going "in and out and in and out," Dad insists it's not about an accordion. He gets progressively more riled until he says, "'In and out'? In and off is what it's going!" He gets up to turn off the music.
At school, Kim hands Lindsay a piece of paper and asks her to give it to Ken. Lindsay looks at it and asks, in disbelief, "You're copying Ken's homework?" Kim says it's hard going because Ken "writes like a mental patient." Lindsay tries to convince Kim that they should tell Millie about killing her dog, and accuses Kim of hanging around with Millie out of guilt. Kim insists that Millie is "kind of funny," which is definitely an understatement. She goes on the defensive when Lindsay suggests that they shouldn't interfere with Millie's life and asks, "What are you so worried about anyway, you know? That Millie's gonna start hanging out with us and that you're not gonna have anyone to run to when you get sick of your bad friends?" She leaves, but not before threatening to kick Lindsay's ass if she tells Millie anything. I'm sure Kim would do it, too.
Biff and Gloria discuss Bill's unwillingness to accept their relationship. Biff is obviously frustrated because he thinks Bill doesn't like him. Smart guy, that Biff -- except for the part about liking the Rocky movies, of course. Gloria insists that if Biff spent more time with Bill, they could forge a friendship. I'm not so sure about that myself, but Gloria seems convinced. She suggests that Biff take Bill to Go-Cart City. He should take her up on that idea, because I doubt there's much else the guys have in common.
As a matter of fact, Bill is, at that moment, busy dissing Fredricks. He calls him fat and says that he never plays the games he makes the students play. Ha! The total lack of physical exertion expended by my own Gym teachers is something I always used to wonder about -- when I wasn't busy devising ways to get out of Gym class, that is. Neal points out that there's no career advancement for a Gym teacher. Sam sticks up for Biff, though, pointing out that he let Bill be a captain in Gym class. That's not good enough for Bill, though, and he sarcastically says that he will have to start calling Biff "Daddy" now. Why, there's his new dad at the door now, extending the invitation to Go-Cart City. Bill hems and haws until Neal accepts it, on behalf of all the geeks. Biff is not prepared for this, but he handles himself well and cheerfully invites all three guys. Sam accepts happily enough, but Bill says, "Yeah, I guess so," in a tone of voice you'd expect to hear if someone had offered him a root canal performed with rusty farm implements. Biff leaves, and Bill gets mad at Neal for accepting Biff's invitation. Neal points out that it's easy enough to ditch Biff "and ride go-carts all day." Bill is not convinced.
Dad Weir won't allow Lindsay to attend the Who concert because of their "pornographic" song. Mom Weir suggests that she and Dad chaperone Lindsay at the concert. Did I mention how cute Mom is? She's pretty gullible, too, since she actually believes the story Lindsay concocts about sharing the Weirs' concerns about the concert but wanting to keep an eye on Millie. I don't know how anyone could believe a story like that, but maybe it's the simple fact that Millie is allowed to attend the concert that causes Dad to change his mind. He does warn Lindsay, however, "You just keep those boys away from your accordion."
In the car on the way to Go-Cart City, Biff tries to interest the boys in a conversation about basketball. Neal and Sam look mightily perplexed by it all; Bill, of course, is sulking. Biff finally realizes that basketball just isn't going to be a winner, conversation-wise, so he hands Bill a gift: it's fake dog shit from a joke shop. You would expect Bill to be as excited about this as Sam and Neal obviously are, but all he says is, "Oh great, just what I always wanted: doody." The fake vomit and trick dollar bill go over pretty well with Sam and Neal, though.
Speaking of jokes, Nick is performing his song, "Lady L," for Ken. It has got to be a joke. Even Nick couldn't make up lyrics as corny as this:
I said, Lady L, let your soul be free
You closed your eyes and you wouldn't see
The only one who could ease your pain was me.
Huh. I guess it rhymes, at least. But you're not missing out on anything by not hearing the "tune," trust me. Nick plays guitar and sings about as skillfully as he writes songs. Oh God, there's more:
As I ride on my horse through the countryside
I said, Lady L, let me give you a ride
But as I pulled the reins of the horse
She pulled the reins of her soul
I'm outta control, Lady L
You couldn't see through my cloud of smoke
You held my heart, now it's bloody and broke
Is your green army jacket the only thing keeping you warm tonight?
Lady L, Lady L, she's my Lady L.
There's a few more "Lady L"s -- some of them sung in a painful falsetto -- but I just can't bring myself to listen to it again. Sorry. Ken strings Nick along for a bit before telling him the truth about awful the song is, including the use of the name "Lady L." Nick points out that he couldn't use Lindsay's real name, to which Ken replies, "You shouldn't use your real name if you're writing that stuff." Nick self-righteously says, "I think that as long as I am using my real emotions, then that's all that matters." Evidently, Nick was passed out when the '70s ended and it was decreed that people should not be allowed to say stuff like that anymore. Ever.
Over at Go-Cart City, Biff, Neal and Sam are engaging in a little good-natured, macho posturing over who's going to win the race. Even Bill enters into the spirit, marginally, and agrees to take part in a bet where Biff will buy triple ice creams for everyone if he doesn't win. I've never had even the slightest interest in go-carts, but watching the extended scene showing how much fun the guys are having makes it look like a good time. The only thing marring it is the background music. The song is terrible, so I assume it's by The Who.
Biff bumps into Bill, sending him crashing into some of the bales of hay lining the track. Everyone gets out of his go-cart and rushes over to Bill's side. Sam and Neal are telling him how cool his crash was, but Bill isn't taking it very well. "I hate you!" he shouts at Biff. He says that Fredricks doesn't care about people's feelings, only about winning. I don't know where he got that from, but it breaks my heart to see Biff looking like he's about to cry.
True to his promise, Daniel has supplied a "Magic Bus." He's standing in front of it, drinking a beer and grilling hot dogs, while some other freaks play Frisbee. Unfortunately, Nick is strumming his guitar. Lindsay wanders over, asking whether the guys have seen Millie. Ken uses her question as an excuse to silence Nick's guitar playing for a moment. Daniel offers her a "Who dog." Lindsay talks to Mark, the freak with the blond, frizzy hair, asking whether he knows where Millie is. He points her out and says, "You know, she's pretty hot. I like it when the good girls cross over." This earns him Lindsay's disgust. "Shut up! Keep away from her!" she says. Millie's mom drives up and gets out of her car to stare, aghast, at the "Magic Bus." When Millie goes over to her, they fight over Millie's going to the concert. It looks like Millie's won this round, because her mother says, "Go ahead and do what you want to do. Obviously, you don't care what I think." Why should she, woman? You look like the most irritating, uptight mother ever! No wonder Millie's a little disturbed. Mrs. Kentner gets in the station wagon and drives away. Mark shouts encouragement and praise at Millie, saying things like, "That's it, you tell Mama! Tell her how it is!" It's at moments like these that I like to give thanks that the '70s and early '80s are over.
Bill is sitting in the back seat of Fredricks's car when Biff himself comes over and sits beside him. Bill turns away so that Biff won't see him crying. Biff apologizes for crashing into Bill and says, "We don't know each other, do we?" He adds that at least now he knows that Bill thinks he is "a stupid jock Gym teacher." Biff goes on to ask Bill to consider his mom's feelings, since she's had a rough time over the past few years. He also says that he loves Gloria and knows he can make her happy. All he is asking is that Bill give him a chance. When Biff gets out of the car, Bill tries really hard not to cry, but eventually loses that battle.
Nick tells Lindsay how happy he is that she will be attending the concert. Lindsay seems surprised when Nick tells her how much Pete Townshend has inspired him as a songwriter. When Nick offers to sing the song he wrote for her, Lindsay has no choice but to feign enthusiasm, though you can tell she's a little leery of the prospect of Nick's singing to her. Mercifully for all of us, Ken comes along before Nick actually gets a chance to sing, and grabs the guitar out of his hands. He improvises a bit and, pretending to be Pete Townshend, smashes Nick's guitar to bits. When Nick confronts him, Ken says, "This is the biggest favour I ever did for you." Believe me, I'm grateful too. Thanks, Ken!
Millie is feeling pretty dejected, and when Daniel offers her a bottle of beer, she accepts. Lindsay is shocked, saying, "But you don't drink!" Millie replies, "Now seems like a good time to start." She's having a little difficulty with the opener. Just wait until she has to try operating a cigarette lighter. Eventually, she gets the beer uncapped and says, "Bottoms up." At this point, even Kim seems a little shocked, and before Millie can actually drink any beer, Kim blurts, "I killed your dog!" This certainly gets Millie's attention, and she puts the beer down to ask, "What?" At first she thinks it's a tasteless joke, but not for long. She's angry that Kim never told her what happened. Kim lets it slip that Lindsay was involved, and now Millie is really upset. Lindsay leaves to talk to Millie, but not before thanking Kim for telling the truth.
Lindsay and Millie are sitting in Lindsay's bedroom. They have both skipped out on the concert, and things seem to be okay between them again. Lindsay pulls out a picture of Goliath and they reminisce a bit. Millie, very seriously, says, "He was a good dog." Lindsay agrees, just as seriously.
Biff is sitting on the couch watching a basketball game at the Haverchuck estate. When Bill comes in, Biff offers him the gigantic remote control, asking whether he wanted to watch anything. Bill just says, "Dallas is on," and changes the channel. He sits down on the floor in front of the couch. Biff stays to watch, but he looks pretty bored. Bill starts telling him about the characters and their relationships. At first Biff looks surprised that Bill is speaking to him, but he's smart enough to seize the opportunity and starts asking questions. Bill shushes him, and poor Biff apologizes, but after a moment Bill says, "I'll tell you during the commercial." I'm pleased to report that Biff finally gets to look happy. And that's good, because he deserves it.
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