Nick and Lindsay are lounging around in what looks like Nick's parents' basement. How Lindsay could go back there after the Styx "Lady" debacle from last episode is beyond me. I'd probably be shaking uncontrollably from the memory if I were her. Anyway. Kansas's "Dust in the Wind" is playing on the turntable, or possibly the 8-track. Nick just doesn't seem like a cassette tape kind of guy. He asks, "Do you ever think about heavy stuff?" You mean like radioactive isotopes? No, like "death, the meaning of life." Oh, that heavy stuff. Lindsay says, "When my grandmother died, I was pretty depressed." She starts to say something else, but Nick cuts her off with a not-at-all-confusing, "Yeah, yeah, no, yeah!" adding, "I knew you were just like me." Poor Lindsay seems a trifle taken aback by that assertion. Nick continues with a really drawled-out, "I can't even talk to those other guys. Ken and Daniel, they're jokers. They don't think about the meaning of life. They don't think about..." At this point, he loses his concentration briefly. It's okay, though -- his brain starts working again, sort of, and he continues in this same vein, ending with, "They don't think about the point of it all." This conclusion is important enough that Nick has to slur it twice. Lindsay looks at him and asks, "Are you stoned?" Nick laughs and says, "A little bit." Could his definition of "a little bit" be impaired right now? Lindsay, looking kind of disgusted, declines his invitation to smoke up. Nick doesn't notice her attitude, and he rambles on with, "Oh, okay, oh, hey, you know what I'm thinking about?" Obviously Lindsay doesn't know, or care, because she turns her head away as he asks this. Nick still hasn't got a clue; he just wants to know, "Where is John Bonham right now?" This gets Lindsay's attention, though she's a bit bewildered, as she says, "John Bonham? I thought he was dead!" Nick's not too baked to realize that fact; he's just trying to get at something more, uh, deep, I guess: "Like, is he in the ground rotting away somewhere? Or maybe he's up in heaven, partying with Jimi and Janis?" Lindsay's completely lost interest by now. She's leafing through a photo album, and she cuts off Nick's philosophizing to point out a photo of a younger Nick with a basketball. "Look at you. You were so cute!" she says. Nick says the photo was taken the year he won MVP. Lindsay asks, "Well, who's this?" She's pointing to a picture of Nick to a girl whose head has been sliced out of the photograph. Uh-oh, I think Nick's getting paranoid now. He says it's Heidi Henderson, someone he used to date. Lindsay touches the spot where Heidi's head should be, just before we cut to the opening credits.
Ken is watching two cheerleaders put up a banner that says, "Assassinate Lincoln." Haw! Okay, not. Ken asks who Lincoln is. The head cheerleader uses that classic teenage girl condescending tone that makes her answer sound like a question: "Our rivals?" The other cheerleader is more the bubbly sort. She says, "We made Regionals. Isn't that cool?" "In what?" asks Nick. "In basketball?" condescends Heather Number One. Then she loses it on the bubbly cheerleader and starts yelling at her so we will all know that not only is she condescending; she's a major bitch to boot. Ken walks away with an understated, "God." He ambles over to Daniel and Kim, who are, amazingly, not all over each other. Ken injects some fake cheer into his voice to ask, "Hey, did you hear about the basketball game? Pretty exciting!" Daniel looks seriously disgusted as he says, "These jocks think they're such bad-asses, walking around like they cured cancer." He calls them monkeys and proceeds to make monkey sounds. Hey, he's pretty good at that! Lindsay walks up, and Daniel asks, "Where's loverboy?" Lindsay says she doesn't know where Nick is. Ken comments, "I thought you two were joined at the tongue or something." No, Ken, you're thinking of Kim and Daniel. Lindsay wants to talk to Kim privately. Ken asks, "Are you pregnant?" Kim whacks him on the arm and says, "Hey, don't be such a pig!"
Kim leads Lindsay around the corner and asks, "So...are you pregnant?" Lindsay says she's "thinking of breaking up with Nick." A shocked Kim wants to know why. Lindsay explains that she likes Nick, but that he's "really intense" and "always stoned." For some reason that cracks me up. Maybe because it sounds like Lindsay has just finally figured all this out. Lindsay can't quite put her finger on it, but "something just isn't right." Kim says that Lindsay should not break up with Nick and insists she can "beat some sense into him." She explains, "The last time someone broke up with Nick, he kinda went a little berserk." Lindsay wants to know if this has to do with Heidi Henderson. "He told you about that?" asks Kim, all surprised. Lindsay says, "No, what happened?" Kim sees Nick walking up to them, so she laughs and pretends they're talking about something else. Nick puts his arms around Lindsay's neck from behind and says hello in what the closed captioning describes as a "caveman grunt." Hey, that was kind of mean! To me it sounds more like a ghoulish, haunted-house kind of voice, and I'm thinking that whoever's captioning this might be having a little fun at Nick's expense.
Sam walks up to the invariably irritating Cindy Sanders, who is decorating a locker in the school's colours. It's a masterpiece of frou-frou-ity and is giving me dreadful high school flashbacks to when the cheerleaders would get paired up with the basketball players in some bizarre arranged marriage sort of way, where each cheerleader would have to decorate "her" player's locker on game days and bake him cookies. I used to help my friend with the decorating, and "her" player worked our nerves to the point where it became sort of a contest to see which of us could make his locker look stupider. We never did put Ex-Lax in his cookies, though. That was just a vicious rumour. Cindy says the cheerleaders are doing the locker-decorating to "pump up [the players] for the Big Game." She lovingly adjusts a piece of construction paper and asks Sam, "If this was your locker, would you be pumped?" Sam confirms that he would. Cindy giggles and asks, "Do you think Todd will be pumped? 'Cause it's his locker." Aah, Todd Schellinger, Sam's evil nemesis in the battle for Cindy's affection. Not that it's much of a battle, really, since Todd seems to be winning, hands down. Sam sadly says he thinks it looks "really good." Impervious to Sam's discomfort, Cindy gushes, "All the other girls wanted to do it, so I had to beg them to let me." Ooh, here comes that studly Todd now! "Hey, Todd," says Cindy, nervously, "me and all the cheerleaders wanted to pump you up for the Big Game. "Cool," says Todd. He grabs a book from his locker and leaves with a terse, "Later." Obviously he has yet to make his transformation from Toad to Prince Charming. (See, Todd=Toad. Hee hee! I'm so glad I'm not too mature to derive pleasure from making fun of people's names.) Cindy sounds worried as she says, "He didn't seem very pumped." Sam valiantly tries to make her feel better by saying, "If I were him, I'd be really happy." Cindy tells Sam he's sweet, then goes on to say, "Remember how I told you I had a crush on Todd?" Shyeah, I'll bet Sam hasn't thought of anything else since. Cindy says, "Well, I don't." This perks Sam up immensely, until Cindy continues with, "It's not, like, a crush; it's, like, an obsession." Much as I dislike the character, I think the actress does a tremendous job of making lines like this sound believable.
Woo-hoo, it's a lunchtime pep rally in the cafeteria! The cheer they're doing has all the hallmarks of a classic: It puts down the other team, it sounds like it was thought up by an eight-year-old, and it flirts with vulgarity in a cutesy way that even my grandmother, who was born in 1905, would not have considered risqué.
Chewin' tobacco, chewin' tobacco
Spit, spit, spit
We make Lincoln look like...
Shiiift to the left
shiiift to the right
[blah blah...]
Neal is watching the mascot in disgust -- but not because it's bizarre-looking, though. And I mean BIZARRE-looking. I think the Norseman is supposed to appear fierce, but his facial expression reminds me more of a constipated Hulk Hogan who's just been whomped in the head with a 2 x 4. It doesn't help that the head is really freakin' huge. No, the reason for Neal's disgust is that he thinks the mascot isn't funny. Bill looks over at the Norseman and says, "He's trying to get us excited." Not that it's working, mind you; for Bill it's all deadpan as usual. Sam is pissed too,- because the mascot is blocking Cindy. The fact that he can say this without even a trace of self-mockery is astounding. Biff, a.k.a. Coach Fredricks, is back! He tells the mascot, who is waving a prop sword around lamely, to "take five." Biff waxes inspirational for a moment and tries to bully the students into attending the Big Game. Would it be possible for Kim and Daniel to look any more underwhelmed? I don't think so. Biff introduces team captain Todd Schellinger. Sam looks sulky, while Cindy aims for sultry. "This season's been fantastic," says Toad. "I wanna thank Coach Fredricks. And God," he adds, almost as an afterthought, pointing vaguely toward the ceiling. "Why does Cindy like him?" asks Sam. "He's such a jerk. He's not even nice to her!" Sam, allow me to introduce you to Human Nature. Human Nature, this is Sam. Y'all get acquainted, now. Neal points out, "Cheerleaders have to date athletes. It's the law." Neal, shh! Toad's speaking again. He's saying, "I wanna see all you guys out there Saturday to watch us destroy Lincoln. All right!" This earns a standing ovation from most of the students (Kim and Daniel conspicuously stay seated). The cheerleaders launch into another dorky cheer, while the mascot stands up on a lunch table and starts dancing around. As the cheerleaders helpfully spell out "S-P-I-R-I-T," Bill tries to imitate their dancing. Aw, man, what this show definitely needs is more of Bill's dancing! The cheerthingies near the end of their cheer and start making some sort of pyramid formation, while the mascot jumps up and down on the table, which collapses underneath him. Neal disdainfully says, "See? He can't even fall funny!" I think Kim and Daniel would beg to differ, though; they stand and start applauding and laughing, and Kim shouts, "Good job, man!" The mascot, who is actually hurt, asks Biff to remove the mascot head. Biff shouts, "Somebody get the head off this kid!" Ha!
Sam and Bill are walking down a school hallway discussing whether or not Stevie Wonder is Jewish. (Sam: "You're thinking of Sammy Davis Jr.") They run into Cindy, who is putting up a poster advertising mascot auditions. She says the mascot has a broken arm and a concussion, and that his mother won't let him sleep "because she's afraid he's going to slip into a coma." Bill takes this opportunity to inform us, "My cousin slipped into a coma once, and then when he woke up, he spoke fluent Spanish." Thank you, Bill, for that. Cindy complains about how the team is "freaking out" because they really need a mascot. Not that it seems to have affected, in any way, her ability to act all perky and giggly. When she leaves, Bill insists that she had been sending Sam a "subliminal message." He reads between the lines, arguing that Cindy was saying, "'We really need a new mascot. I really need a new mascot. I really need Sam to be the new mascot.'" How much do I love Bill Logic? A lot. I just wouldn't let him take my LSATs or anything. When Sam asks if he should try out, Bill replies, "Open your eyes, Sam. I mean, that was the biggest come-on I've ever seen. She was practically feeling you up!" Neal walks up and pushes Bill out of the way so he can sign up for mascot tryouts. Sam asks him what he's doing, and Neal says, "I'm gonna be the new Norseman." When Bill informs him that Sam is going to be the new mascot, Neal points out that "Sam is not funny." Well, not intentionally, anyway. Sam explains about wanting to spend more time with Cindy so she will grow to like him romantically. Neal incredulously asks, "You want to deny the school big laughs just so you can hit on a girl?" Sam and Neal argue about how important being the Norseman is to each of them, and Neal says, "Being the school mascot has...always been my dream!" Bill says, "Yeah, since lunch!" Neal shoots him a dirty look. Finally, Sam pulls out the big guns. "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi," he says. "You're my only hope." Neal says, "You had to go and quote the Star Wars, didn't you?" He gives in to Sam.
At the Weir dinner table, Sam informs the family that he'll be auditioning for the part of the Norseman. "That'll be fun," says Mom Weir. "You know how I love to watch you kids perform." Lindsay panics and asks, "You're not going to the game, are you?" Dad Weir claims that he has to attend community events because he's a "community leader." Lindsay asks, "Since when?" Sam snickers. Mom figures that Lindsay doesn't want her parents around if she's going to be on a date with Nick. She comments that she and Dad will have to get to know Nick eventually and suggests they all attend the game together. "Mom! No," says Lindsay. Dad is oblivious to all this; he's fixated on convincing everyone of what a big wheel he is in the community. Why, just last week someone asked him to run for the school board! Lindsay tries to act interested but doesn't exactly pull it off. Dad says, "Boy, I could be the mayor. I wouldn't get any respect around this house." Lindsay and Sam just smile and go back to eating their dinner.
Lindsay's asleep when a tapping at her window wakes her up. It's a happy, smiling Nick, coming to terrify -- er, visit her in the middle of the night. Lindsay tries to get him to leave, but he won't go. Finally she opens the back door and asks him why he's there. He says, "I can't stop thinking about you. I just had to see your face." He stares at her face for a while to illustrate his point. After half a minute or so, he's had his fill, and he says, "Okay." He decides to leave, probably because Lindsay's looking way less than enthused with his presence, though he tries to play it off by pretending he doesn't want to get her in her trouble with her parents. He tells her, "Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite," and almost sticks his head in the door as she's closing it on him. You know, sometimes there's just a thin line between madcap romantic and spooky stalker. I hate to say it, but I think Nick has kinda crossed that line. From the look on her face, I'd say Lindsay feels the same way.
Biology class. I wish they'd make that fat Gordon guy a regular. He was cool. He must've slipped into the Disappearing Guest Star Black Hole, though, because Bill and Sam are sitting together again. Bill says, "Hey, Sam, I hear the mascot has to change with the cheerleaders in the girls' locker room." Sam looks scared. He says, "Really? That doesn't sound right." Bill just shrugs. Because we all can't enough of Cindy Sanders, Sam calls her over and lets her know he's planning to audition for the mascot position. Hmm, I wonder if Bill's "subliminal message" theory was a little off track, because Cindy looks really surprised at Sam's news. "Sam, being a mascot is a lot harder than it looks," she says. "I mean, you have to be super-coordinated." Hey, the last mascot wasn't exactly very coordinated, was he? Sam stresses his own coordination and asks Cindy to put in a good word for him with Vicki, the bitchy head cheerleader. Cindy agrees but says, "It's not like Vicki and I are best friends. She's kinda bossy." With a chirpy, "See you at auditions!" Cindy leaves. Sam asks Bill, "Do you think there's a subliminal message in there somewhere?" Bill says, "For your sake, I hope not."
In the hallway, Lindsay approaches a tough-looking girl who's sporting a black leather jacket with the Van Halen logo stencilled on the back. It's Heidi Henderson. Lindsay introduces herself and tries to establish a connection by mentioning that they're in the same Spanish class. No response. Finally Lindsay asks, "You went out with Nick Andopolis, right?" "Don't remind me," says Heidi. Lindsay politely asks Heidi to tell her what happened. Heidi wants to know if Lindsay is dating Nick and warns her to ditch him. She says, "Breaking up with him was, like, a nightmare. He started stalking me, he broke into my house, he got into this insane fight with my dad." She looks over Lindsay's shoulder, says, "Oh, God!" and beats a hasty retreat. Nick is approaching, and he looks a little freaked that Lindsay's been talking to his ex. When he asks Lindsay what they were talking about, she pretends it was just "Spanish stuff." Nick looks pretty bitter as he says, "Well, you know, just be careful with her, because she's a liar. She likes to screw people over." Lindsay looks up at him, a little upset by his vehemence. He notices and tries to snap out of his angry mood. As he leaves for woodworking class, Lindsay nervously stares off into space.
It's audition time! Sam and a bunch of other geeky-looking guys are doing the "Funky Chicken" cheer. Bill and Neal critique from the sidelines. Bill comments that Sam is pretty good. It's true -- Sam is surprisingly coordinated. Neal agrees but says that Sam is not funny, though he adds, "At least he's better than the old mascot. That guy was as funny as a car wreck." Ahem, Herbert, the former mascot, is sitting at a table right behind them. Neal sputters out, "I--I--I was just kidding." Bill asks Herbert if he slept last night, and Herbert says no. His mother plans to keep him awake tonight, too. Bill offers up some sage advice: "Yeah, well, if you feel yourself start to fall asleep, pull out a nose hair. It'll wake you right up." As we cut back to Bill and Neal, you can see Herbert in the background, reaching for his nose.
Sam and the others are just finishing up the "Funky Chicken," and Sam is right into it. Oh, yes, he's got the moves. The nerdy Drama Club guy says, "Pretty good, Sam. You should try out for the musical. We're doing Fiddler. You could be a dancing yeshiva student." Vicki, the head bitch -- er, cheerleader, gets up to announce Sam as the new mascot! "It's all politics!" shouts Nerdy Drama Guy. Cindy rushes over and says, "Sam, you are so coordinated! I had no idea!" It's a pretty weird compliment, but Sam is thrilled, especially when Cindy starts talking about teaching him the cheers. Best of all, Cindy leans over to hug him. From across the room, Bill bares his teeth in a smile-like expression and gives Sam a thumbs-up.
In the school hallway, a bunch of students run by the freaks, shouting spirit-y slogans. Daniel looks on in disgust and says, "This place is turning into a cult. These jocks, they put a ball through a hoop -- whoop-de-freakin'-doo." Lindsay says her parents are making her go to the game with them. After a pause, Ken says, "I'm goin'." I think everyone can imagine Lindsay going to the game, but Ken? He says, "Yeah, I heard we're gonna lose, right? I kinda think it's funny when the jocks cry, you know? [rubbing his eyes and whining] 'Ooooh! They cheated!'" Kim laughs really hard. Now that she's not such a megabitch, I'm starting to identify with her more and more. Daniel asks Lindsay, "What's up with you and Nick?" Surprised, Lindsay says, "Nothing." Ken says, "Nothing? I heard you were gonna dump him." Kim just shrugs and gives her a "duh" kind of look. "So it's true," says Daniel. He warns, "Lindsay, don't!" Just then Nick comes along and says hi to Lindsay. Ken says, "Hey, Nick, I'm great. But thanks for asking." Nick says hi to everyone else. Lindsay asks him to give her a ride home, and he agrees. As they're leaving, Daniel calls out to Lindsay. When she turns around, he puts his hands together imploringly and says, all sotto voce, "Don't, please." As Nick and Lindsay leave, Ken says, "I'd hate to be that guy's drum set tonight."
At cheerleading practice, Psycho Vicki keeps picking on Sam: "Be strong! Be powerful!" she shouts. "I want pep!" The cheerleaders all launch into "Funky Chicken." Vicki keeps screaming at Sam to "flap those wings," even though Sam is flapping harder than anyone else in the room. I hope he doesn't dislocate a shoulder. The other geeks are sitting with Herbert, observing. "I wanted to be funny," laments the former mascot. "Vicki doesn't want funny." No, it's "funky" that she wants, and she says Sam's not giving it to her. She sighs and says, "It'll be better when you have your head on." Sam asks to try it out, but Vicki condescendingly tells him it's still being fixed. She says it's time to do the pyramid, which causes Herbert to run over and offer Sam some advice: "When you're climbing up [the cheerleaders], be careful not to pull on their hair, because they'll jerk up, and you'll fall." Ditto on pulling their bra straps. And if Sam does fall, he should be careful to guard his head so he doesn't break his neck. Man, Sam finally gets to climb on top of a whole bunch of girls and Herbert's taking all the fun out of it! The cheerleaders start to form the pyramid while chanting, "Give me an 'M'...." They also ask for an "H" and an "S." At first I was wondering, "What the hell are they spelling?" But I finally figured out it's supposed to stand for "McKinley High School." Sam makes it to the top of the pyramid without incident. Cindy's right under him, and as she looks up at him and smiles, Sam shouts out, "I'm the king of the world!" Well, actually, he doesn't, but despite the fact that that joke is way old and overused, it would have been kind of funny if he had.
Ken, Kim and Daniel are sitting on the hood of Daniel's gross red Trans Am. Daniel's rhapsodizing about how much he loves the smell of gasoline. "Yeah?" says Kim. "It gives you brain damage." How scary is it that I'm starting to identify more and more with Kim? Some guys drive up and ask the freaks if they go to McKinley. When Kim says yes, they start chucking water balloons at the freaks. As the guys drive off, Kim screams, "Damn it, I'm soaked! Will you do something, Daniel?" He replies, "What do you want me to do, blow on you?" Ken says, "That better have been water. That's all I'm saying."
Lindsay is helping out her mom in the kitchen when the phone rings. Mom answers it and says, "Oh, hi, Nick. How you doing?" Lindsay gets all panicky and whispers, "I'm not here!" Mom's not real good at lying, though, and even with Lindsay's coaching, the best she can come up with is that Lindsay is out with her dad. "I don't know what they're doing, but they're out there doing it!" she says. She hangs up the phone with a, "Bye-bye, sweetie." Aw! She's so sweet herself! She tries to get Lindsay to talk about her relationship, and Lindsay finally admits, "I wanna break up with Nick." She says she needs her space, but every time she tries to break up with him, she chickens out because she's afraid she'll "hurt his feelings." Mom advises her that she can't "go steady" with a guy just so his feelings won't be hurt. If she's going to break up with Nick, she should do it now. Lindsay thinks it over and says, "I gotta go call him. I gotta do it right now." Mom looks pleased with herself. It's pretty cute.
From her bedroom, Lindsay is dialing Nick's number. Aw, c'mon, Lindsay! You're gonna dump his ass over the phone? The least you could do is invite him to your parents' basement, fire up a bunch of candles and sing Zeppelin's "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You." Where's your creativity? Nick picks up the phone, but Lindsay doesn't know what to say, so she doesn't say anything. Nick sounds a little scary as he says, "Ken, is that you? You were supposed to be here an hour ago. I don't like having to wait around." When Lindsay still doesn't say anything, Nick puts on what the mean closed captioner calls a "dufus voice" to ask, "Are you gonna answer me, Keeeen?" Now Lindsay's really scared, and she hangs up the phone. Mom comes in to ask how the break-up went. Lindsay says she's going to do it before the game tomorrow. Mom tells her, "If there's anything else you want to talk over, I'm always here for you." We cut to Nick, who must be way too stoned to realize that Lindsay hung up. Oh, shit, I can't believe he's still talking into the phone! "Fine, if this isn't Ken, you better not call back here," he says, "or I'll find you!" Finally, he hangs up. Poor Nick really is dumb as a stump. For me, this ranks up there as one of my favourite Freaks and Geeks moments ever. I think it comes right after Dad Weir's touching story about losing his virginity to a Korean whore.
Speaking of Dad Weir, Mom goes into the bedroom to tell him about Lindsay's impending break-up with Nick. "Oh, praise God!" is his response. Mom's just psyched because she was able to help Lindsay. "She confided in me, Harold," says Mom, "and she took my advice! I feel like...a mother, you know?" Dad nips that sentimentality in the bud by saying, "You're on my leg." But he can't bring Mom down. She's still all happy as she leaves. Dad smiles as he watches her go.
The morning, Mom asks Lindsay if she wants a ride to the game. Dad says, "Oh, yeah, I'd like to introduce you to the pillars of the community, also known as my friends." Lindsay confines herself to a demi-eye roll and says, "I have to take care of something first, so I'll just meet you guys there." Mom's still buzzing with her own role as confidante. She puts an arm around Lindsay and asks what she's going to say to Nick. Lindsay shrugs off her arm and says she doesn't know yet. Dad helpfully offers, "Why don't you tell him he's a greasebucket, and you deserve better." Lindsay whines, "Dad!" and leaves. Sam comes in, moving stiffly. He's a little sore from mascot practice, but he's not complaining, because he thinks Cindy Sanders likes him. He gets all shy as he says, "I get to form a human pyramid on top of her." "Well, that'll do it," says Dad, encouragingly.
Ken is helping Daniel do...something...to his car, while Kim assesses Nick's mental health. She says, "Nick's cool, you know. It's just that when he gets a girlfriend, he just goes psycho." Ken takes a stab at the carside psychology with, "Maybe he just gets so horny that his brain...rots!" Daniel says, "Dumbest thing you can do: Let a girl know how much you like her." You know, I hate to say it, but Daniel's got a point. If you're into power games, that is. "Is that why you're such a bastard to me?" asks Kim. Daniel gives her what I think is supposed to be a smoldering smile and says, "Yeah, well, you're still here, aren't you?" Kim spies "those jocks from Lincoln" who chucked the water balloons at them earlier. The freaks all get into Daniel's car to follow the Lincoln guys.
Sam is at another cheerleading practice, and Psycho Vicki just won't let up on him with the screaming. Bill and Neal are observing again -- from the bleachers, this time. Neal is critiquing Sam's misuse of the prop sword. Bill asks what one can do with a phony sword. "A million things!" says Neal. "You can fall on it, you stab yourself, you stab the other mascot." Bill says, "That's not funny." I have to agree with Bill here. But then, I hate team sports. Except hockey. And part of the reason I like hockey is because they don't have suck-ass mascots. Neal offers up some other comedy suggestions: "The Norseman should be doing shtick, zany dance moves -- like this." He gets up to demonstrate a little kick line number. Bill asks why it's funny. "Because I'm a Norseman in a chorus line," says Neal. His hula dance doesn't go over any better with Bill, who says, "I can't be seen with you," gets up, and leaves.
Nick's in his parents basement, playing the drums as badly as ever, when Lindsay walks in. She claims she doesn't have much time because she has to meet her parents, but I suspect she's really just nervous about being alone around Nick. He asks her to sit down because he wants to tell her about his relationship with Heidi Henderson. Lindsay's not sure she wants to hear this, and she says he doesn't have to tell her anything. Nick says he wants to, though. He says that Heidi had just broken up with her boyfriend when Nick went out with her for a week, during which time he "wrote her poems -- lots and lots of poems." It turns out Heidi wasn't even interested in him and was just using him to make her ex-boyfriend jealous. When she got back together with her ex, she started showing people Nick's poems, which he found "humiliating." "Yeah, that's awful!" says Lindsay, empathetically. So Nick broke into her house to get his poems back, but he was caught by Heidi's father, who called the cops. And Nick was surprised by this? Dude, a break-and-enter is a break-and-enter, no matter why you're doing it. Nick claims, though, that "the whole thing just got blown...totally out of proportion! But the thing is, it just, it all made me end up feeling really...really, really insecure about girls." Lindsay tells him, sincerely, "Nick, I would never show your poems to anyone." Nick smiles at her and says, "You rule...so hard. Let's go to the game."
Over in cheerleading hell, Psycho Vicki's trying to play drill sergeant, doing an inspection on the cheerleaders, who are standing in a row in the gym. "Shelley," she says, "you've got a huge stain on your sweater. I told you guy not to wear these when you eat!" Sam is talking to (guess who!) Cindy Sanders. He shyly tells her, "You'd make a great head cheerleader. Much nicer than Vicki." I hope he's not secretly thinking of that old joke: "How can you tell the head cheerleader? She's the one with the dirt on her knees." I'm sorry, I'm just kidding. Actually, these awkward teen compliments are pretty cute. And I'm not ashamed to admit that at thirty-two, I am sometimes just as socially retarded as Sam. Anyway, Toad comes over to interrupt the conversation. When he says he has a question for Cindy, she perks up considerably. I know, you didn't think Cindy could get any perkier. But she can. Before Toad can get the question out, though, Biff yells at him to stop "chatting up the ladies." Toad says his question wasn't important anyway, and he jogs away, while Cindy giggles, "Okay. Good luck!" She starts asking Sam if he thinks Toad was going to ask her out. Sam says, "I don't know. I don't think so." I take back what I said before; Sam is pretty hilarious this episode. Cindy's excitedly wondering how she'll remember her cheers with all this suspense going on, so Sam tries to bring her down with, "Cindy, he probably has a lot of other girlfriends." Cindy says, "Sam, don't say that." He pretends he's worried about her "getting too hung up on [Toad]" in case Toad won't go out with her. Nice work, Sam -- tactful and mood-killing.
Daniel, Kim and Ken pull up in front of a parked red convertible. It's the car the Lincoln guys had been riding in. Daniel's got a can of white spray paint. He and Kim argue over who should vandalize the car. She wants him to do it because she's "a girl." Nice hypocritical tough-girl stance you got going there, Kim. Daniel paints "U-SUK" on the side of the Lincoln guy's car. Just as he's finishing, the driver of the car comes out and asks what they're doing. "Giving your car a new paint job," says Kim. The freaks all insult Lincoln Guy a bit -- until four other Lincoln guys walk over. "Yo, something tells me it's time to go," says Ken. Lincoln Guy leans in to get a closer look at the spray paint and says, "Those losers are from McKinley. Look what that bitch just did to my car!" I think Kim's having a little trouble seeing the situation for what it is. She shoves Lincoln Guy and shouts, "You're the bitch, man! Come on, Daniel, kick his ass!" Lincoln Guy says, "Kick my ass?" as he and his buddies advance menacingly on the freaks, who start backing away. Daniel says, "Tell my mother that I love her," while Ken just lowers his head and tentatively puts up his fists in a way that makes him look about as menacing as my five-month-old nephew.
Back in the gym, Psycho Vicki is walking toward Sam with the icky Norseman head. "Sam," she says, "here's your head. Please don't break it. It cost, like, six hundred dollars." I don't know about you, but ugly, expensive things particularly crack me up. Sam comments on how hard it's going to be to do the cheers because the head is so heavy. Vicki says, "No duh!" and tells him he has to stay focused. She advises him to wear the head for a while so that he can get used to it. Vicki drops the Norseman head on Sam's head, which sends him staggering a bit. We can hear him panting with the exertion as we get a Sam's-eye view from inside the mask. Poor Sam can barely see through the eye holes, but what he sees depresses him. Cindy is leaning against a wall, talking to Toad, who leans in and kisses her. To add insult to injury, Toad walks by Sam and says, "Hey, man, give me five for the game, all right?" Cindy comes over to Sam and starts bubbling about Toad asking her out. Sam takes off the Norseman head and vents some frustration by saying, "Todd's a jerk." He adds that Toad is not even nice to Cindy and that it's stupid that she likes him "just because [she's] a cheerleader and [Toad's] a jock. It's so obvious!" Cindy says, "Sam, just because you're nervous about the Big Game, it doesn't mean you should take it out on me and Todd." She walks off, leaving an upset-looking Sam in her wake.
Lindsay and Nick are talking in the school hallway. Nick's saying something drumming-related that sounds just scintillating. Mr. Weir is in the background with three men. He calls Lindsay over. Nick's about to follow her, but she asks him to stay behind. He looks a little upset by this. As to whether he's hurt that she obviously doesn't want him talking to her father or that he'll miss her while she's gone, I'll leave it up to you to decide. Mr. Weir's still trying to garner some respect from his offspring. Joe Flaherty's at his pompous best as he says, "I'd like you to meet a few very good friends of mine. This is Councilman Appleby, Stan Miller of Stan Miller Motors, and Sheriff MacGruder." Are you impressed, Lindsay? The fact that Councilman Appleby, somewhat skeevily, does not let go of her hand does not exactly impress me.
Sam's moping in the locker room. Bill tells him to get dressed for the game, and Neal says, "Now is not the time to get all weepy. You gotta go out there and be funny!" Sam says he doesn't feel like being funny, so Neal start in on the pep talk: "You think Steve Martin always feels like being funny? No, but he goes out on that stage every night, with his arrow and his banjo, and he kills!" When Sam says he's not going out, Neal tries to take his place. Bill warns, "Don't do it, Sam. He's only worried about getting laughs," but Neal insists: "Sam, hand me the head of that Norseman."
Back in the hallway, Mr. Weir is fishing for compliments from Councilman Appleby while Lindsay looks bored. The freaks pick this moment to make their appearance. They're looking a little beat up and more than a tad stoned. Lindsay asks what happened, and Kim says, "We got beat up by some boneheads at Lincoln." Ken adds that it's because they trashed that guy's car. Lindsay's kind enough to introduce the freaks to the "pillars of the community." Dad Weir tries to pretend he's never met the freaks before, but Daniel corrects him and asks after Mrs. Weir. Dad tells Lindsay to "run along" with her friends and adds, nervously, "Go, Norsemen!" Daniel responds with a very spirited, "Go, McKinley!" Mr. Weir tries to play it off with, "Teenagers -- what are you gonna do?" The sheriff fixes him with a steely gaze.
Mom Weir runs into Nick and says hello. He seems happy to see her until she starts asking how he's "holding up." Nick's a little perplexed by this, and not just because he's stoned. Mom goes on to say, "You know, Lindsay really does care about you. She told me so last night. She just feels overwhelmed right now. She needs her space." Nick asks, "Is that what she said?" Poor Mom is finally starting to realize her faux pas. "Uh, didn't Lindsay talk to you?" she asks. Nick tries to save face by saying, "Yeah, she talked to me." He leaves, and Lindsay walks up. She shouts out, "Hey!" after Nick, but he doesn't turn around. Mom's all worried. She asks, "Lindsay, didn't you talk to Nick this morning?" Lindsay asks what Mom said to Nick. Lindsay's getting suspicious. "Mom, did you break up with my boyfriend?" she asks. Mom hems and haws until Lindsay gets the picture and says, "I knew I shouldn't have told you anything. You know, from now on, just stay out of my life, please!" Oh, and poor Mom was so excited about being Lindsay's confidante!
Sam's still sulking in the locker room. He hears the sound of vomiting, and a toilet flushing. Turning toward the bathroom, he see Toad walk out woozily. He asks if Toad's all right. Toad says it's just nerves. I guess he wants to change the subject, because he asks, "Hey, you're that new mascot, right?" Sam says he is. Toad tells him he's funny, adding, "When we saw you doing the 'Funky Chicken,' we were all cracking up." Sam thanks him and smiles, but I'll bet he must be feeling like a real heel right about now.
Finally, it's the Big Game! Mom Weir joins Dad in the bleachers. She tries to tell him that Lindsay is upset with her, but Dad, eager to impress Councilman Appleby with his spirit, just says, "Jean, shh, the game's about to begin!" We pan up to Daniel, Kim and Ken in the bleachers. It's amazing what getting beat up by the school's rivals can do for one's school spirit. The freaks are totally psyched for this game. Daniel's screaming, "Go, McKinley, shut 'em down! Lincoln, you suck!" at the top of his lungs. Toad makes a goal -- er, scores a touchdown -- ah, whatever. Daniel's up on his feet, cheering Toad on.
Neal makes his grand entrance as mascot. He comments on the mascot head: "Ugh, man alive, this thing is heavy!" Neal staggers past the cheerleaders and onto the playing area, saying, "Watch out! Man with a big head comin' through!" Both Vicki and Biff tell him to get off the court. Vicki asks, "What are you doing? Are you crazy?" Neal confirms, "Wild and crazy!" Mom Weir comments on how cute "Sammy" is as mascot. Dad says, "Well, he may be cute, but that mascot head is disturbing!" Word, Joe. The cheerthingies start doing "Funky Chicken." Neal is spinning around and waving his prop sword, but he keeps getting in Cindy's way. She shoves him away and says, "Sam, if you're mad at me for some reason, this is a really obnoxious way of showing it."
The freaks chant, "Lincoln, Lincoln, I've been thinkin', what the hell have you been drinkin'?" Toad makes another basket, and Daniel screams, "Yeah, nothin' but net, baby, whoo!" Kim adds, "In your face, losers!" and Daniel yells, "Kill Lincoln!" A preppy-looking girl sitting to Daniel is impressed by the freaks' school loyalty. She chirps, "Yeah, that's the spirit, guys! You rock!"
Neal has worked his way up the bleachers. He's pretending to pick the mascot's nose while saying, "Oh, what's in here? Mm, tasty!" He starts playing air guitar as Joan Jett's excellent version of "Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)" plays in the background. Psycho Vicki asks Cindy where Sam is, because they're about to do that lame "Chewin' Tobacco" cheer. Cindy points out the mascot in the bleachers, where he's pretending to stab himself. Bill, who's sitting with Herbert, laughs at these antics. Vicki throws down her pompoms to go kick some ass -- literally. After dragging Neal down onto the floor, she kicks him in the butt. "Thank you, sir, may I have another?" says Neal.
Lindsay finds Nick under the school stairwell and says she's been looking all over for him. Nick is pacing nervously as he says, "I really like you, but we've been spending so much time together, you know?" He says he hasn't been spending enough time hanging out with his friends or drumming, and he thinks he and Lindsay should take a break from their relationship. Poor Nick, you can tell this is taking so much out of him. Lindsay is taken aback, but she agrees. Nick says, "Good. Great. [long pause] No hard feelings, right?" "Right," says Lindsay. As Nick leaves, Lindsay calls out his name, her voice breaking, but he doesn't come back.
I may not understand basketball, but I can read a scoreboard. The game is tied. The freaks are still screaming their encouragement from the bleachers. Neal is dancing around in front of the cheerleaders. He insists the audience is "lovin' it," but Vicki obviously doesn't feel the same way. She punches the six-hundred-dollar Norseman in the head. Man, I wanted to do that ages ago. Vicki says it's "pyramid time," and she orders the mascot to "get to the top of that pyramid, now!" Neal says, "Aye-aye, sir!" As he starts climbing up the pyramid, we hear a girl say, "Hey, that's my bra strap!" Neal, flush with what he perceives to be his success, says, "No, it's the team's bra strap." I don't need to tell you that he wrecks the pyramid completely, do I? Good, I didn't think so. Psycho Vicki walks over to Neal, who's lying on the floor in a daze. She tells him he's ruined everything. He takes off the creepy Norseman head, and Vicki asks, "Who the hell are you?" He answers, "Neal Schweiber, at your service." Vicki promises, "You're dead," and leaves. Cindy takes her place and says, "Neak Schweever [sic], you're a jerk." Irritated at her perpetual inability to remember his name, Neal yells out, "It's Neal Schweiber!" Too late, Cindy's already gone.
In the school parking lot, Nick is sitting in his car, really upset. I don't know the name of the song in the background, but the lyrics start off with:
The song is over
It's all behind me
I shoulda known it
She tried to find me...
Nick is watching a happy couple walk by, and I feel so bad for him, because he looks like he's trying hard not to cry. Finally, he swipes at his eyes and drives away. While the song continues in the background, we see Lindsay go to her mom in the bleachers. Lindsay is full-out crying. Mom holds her and tries to offer some comfort.
After a time-out, the game continues. Daniel's still watching tensely from the bleachers. He makes the sign of the Cross. I think Toad is taking a foul shot, or something. Whatever it is, the ball goes in the basket, and McKinley wins the game. Let's just say the freaks are pleased.
Sam waits to waylay Cindy as she leaves the court. She asks him why he wasn't out there, and he says, "I just got really nervous. I didn't mean to take it out on you and Todd." She accepts his apology and says she has to leave. Queen's "Keep Yourself Alive" plays while Lindsay leaves with Mom. They have their arms around each other.
Bill walks down from the bleachers, an expression of awe on his face. As the fans disperse, we see Herbert sleeping in the bleachers. Nice of Bill to take care of him. Bill sits down to Neal and says, "Neal, that was incredible. You're the funniest mascot I've ever seen. You're a comic genius!" He thinks that Neal and Vicki would make a good comedy team. Vicki, on the other hand, just wants to kill Neal. She rallies the cheerleaders together, and when she spots Neal, yells, "There he is! Get him, girls!" Neal tries to escape, but the cheerleaders overtake him and knock him to the ground. It looks like they're gonna beat him with their pompoms or something. Just before we fade to commercial, you can hear Neal screaming, "I'm a bleeder!" Ha!
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