Hello. I'm Wing Chun. I'm subbing for the illustrious Maggie for this episode. I'm looking forward to recapping a show that doesn't make my eyes, ears, nose, and throat bleed. Let's enjoy it together!
The episode opens on Mr. Rosso in his office (and in his bitchin' corduroy jacket with even bitchin'-er elbow patches). He's trying to teach the Freaks a lesson about positivity, saying that he could, if he were a lesser man, get up every morning and whine about how much it sucks to go to work. But in actual fact what he claims he does say when he gets up is, "Hot dog! Lemme at him!" Ken deadpans, "You actually say the words, 'hot dog'?" Mr. Rosso further claims that he does, and adds that he knows the Freaks are "struggling," but that that's why "they" made guidance counselors. He says, "I understand you've just been through puberty. You guys are tall -- I'm surprised you fit through that door, quite frankly, okay? Lotta times, you might see -- maybe you're taking a shower, or something -- and you go, 'What are these? What's that?'" Cut to Lindsay, looking horrified. Mr. Rosso winds it up by saying that they might think no one understands, but that he does, and that lots of people do: "Even Mr. Alice Cooper." At this, the Freaks perk up. Mr. Rosso says, "Bet you don't think he's a square, do you?" Nick appreciatively opines that "Alice Cooper rocks," and even Ken is smiling at Mr. Rosso with something in the same zip code as respect. Mr. Rosso picks up a guitar to accompany his own singing:
Lines form on my face and handsMr. Rosso asks Nick to "fill in the drums" as he strums his acoustic guitar for all it's worth, and Nick dutifully -- and with some measure of commitment -- air drums. Ken covers his eyes. Lindsay plainly can't take her eyes off Mr. Rosso and looks vicariously embarrassed.
Lines form from the ups and downs
I'm in the middle without any plans
I'm a boy (or girl) and I'm a man (or woman)
I'm eighteen [at this point Nick joins him]
I get confused every day
Eighteen
I don't know what to say
Eighteen [with a serious-faced Daniel]
I gotta get away
Cut to the Freaks filing out of Mr. Rosso's office. Daniel, looking oddly cute in a way-too-small shirt with its snaps fastened all the way up to his chin, remarks, "That was brutal," and Ken agrees: "I've never hated Alice Cooper as much as I do right now." Nick defends Mr. Rosso, saying that he's "really good at the guitar. Some of those chords are hard." Mr. Rosso comes out behind Lindsay, at the end of the line, and calls her back. She reluctantly turns, looking shell-shocked, and asks, "You're not going to sing again, are you?" Mr. Rosso says that he's worried about her, because she's "not one of them," and that soon she'll have to start applying for colleges, and that if she stays on the same path, those colleges will reject her. Lindsay goes to the "not everyone has to go to college" fallback (which is, of course, true) and reminds Mr. Rosso that Einstein and Thomas Edison didn't go to college. Mr. Rosso adds to her list: "Frank." Lindsay asks, "Frank who?" and Mr. Rosso says he's "the dude who pumps [Mr. Rosso's] gas." Lindsay rolls her eyes. Mr. Rosso throws up his hands and says, "Just saying." Cue the ass-kicking opening credits.
At the Weir dinner table, Mom Weir hands Lindsay a birthday card from her aunt and uncle. As she opens it, the name "Kevin Corrigan" appears over her chest, and I squeal, "The Ugly Guy!" Lindsay marvels at the fact that the card contains three hundred dollars for her college fund. As Dad Weir remarks that the aunt is lucky that the card wasn't intercepted by "some junkie working for the post office," the name "Jason Schwarzman" appears over his chest, and I screech, "Max Fischer! Why wasn't I informed?" Mom Weir says that Dad Weir has a surprise for them all, and Dad Weir goes into an overlong explanation of the fact that he bought a stock-market board game called Pit that he wants them all to play on Friday night. Lindsay clarifies, "So we all sit around the table and you yell at us?" Spotting his opening, Sam snerks, "You do that to us every night." Mom Weir supportively says that she thinks it sounds like fun, but both the kids say they're going out on Friday. Dad Weir gets pissy and tells the kids he's "sick and tired" of their acting like they "don't belong to a family." Lindsay and Sam exchange bemused looks across the table. Lindsay protests that she and Sam do respect their parents, but Dad Weir gripes that the kids can hardly stand to be around them; blah blah blah when you were little blah blah blah "we cleaned your butts when you pooped and we loved it." He builds to a climax of insisting that they all spend time together whether Sam and Lindsay like it or not, then throws his napkin down and does the Dad Weir stomp out of there, but not before stopping beside Mom Weir's chair and adding, "The Weirs are playing Pit on Friday night. Get used to it!" Because nothing makes your kids love you more, in their teen years, than forced confinement.
In a Bio class, MST3K alumnus Trace Beaulieu is lecturing about natural selection. (Gordon and Sam are seated together at a lab table, suggesting that this episode and "Girlfriends and Boyfriends" were not aired in the sequence the show's producers had intended.) There's a knock at the door and when Trace opens it, a girl who looks like a more conventionally pretty version of Millie steps inside. Sam, Neal, and Bill all perk up and pretty much re-create the "twitterpated" scene from Bambi, except with one female instead of three. Her name is Maureen Sampson and she's a transfer student. Trace tells her to sit anywhere, and as she walks up the aisle, Billy Joel sings in, for some reason, French. The Geeks all make friendly faces as she walks by. Finally she sits down beside some random guy with glasses.
In the cafeteria, the Geeks carry their trays to their usual table. Bill is saying that the night before he saw Ronald Reagan kissing a monkey on TV last night. With horror, Neal demands, "On the news?" Bill says that it was a movie, and says that Reagan was a pretty good actor. As he starts to say, "So was the monkey," he trails off, because Maureen is sitting alone at their table. The Geeks all look at each other, not sure how to proceed .Sam says hi. Maureen starts to make as if she's going to get up, apologizing and asking whether this is their table. Bill says that they don't own it, but that they sit there every day. She offers to sit somewhere else, and Neal, all suave, says, "Please. Join us." They all sit down. Sam asks where she's from, and she says her dad was transferred from Florida to work for GM. Neal says, "My dad drives a Coupe de Ville, so we're practically related!" Sam titters nervously, with a look that clearly expresses the fact that he has no idea how to follow that one up. Maureen asks whether "people" are nice at McKinley, and Bill ominously replies, "Sometimes." Neal explains, "You have to be careful who you hang out with. There are a lot of characters at this school." "Characters"! Neal is such an old man. Very awkwardly, Sam notes that they saw her in their Bio class, and asks how she liked it. She shrugs, and says it was okay, though the teacher seemed weird. Bill says, "Once he ran over an old lady, and then he blamed it on his car. He said the accelerator got stuck." Maureen one-ups Bill's story by telling one about a teacher at her old school who shot a guy who broke into his house. "With a gun?" Bill asks. She says that it was, but that he didn't go to jail, because she guesses it's legal to shoot someone if he breaks into your house. Bill says that their shop teacher got his hair stuck in a lathe, and that his whole scalp was torn off, and that now he wears a wig. Maureen says that her old shop teacher had his pinky cut off by a saw, but when they tried to sew it back on it didn't fit anymore: "So now everyone calls him Pinky Tuscadero." Ha! What a raconteuse! The Geeks all laugh appreciatively. Maureen says that she's glad she sat where she did, because they're nice. Neal says, "You're really nice." She asks if they'll show her "the ropes" around McKinley, but that they should tell her if she starts to bug them. Moonily, Sam says, "We'd never let you bug us." She smiles. She is really nice.
Out on the Smoking Patio, Daniel is complaining that "every old person" thinks he's so smart: "What, there's, like, no dumb old people?" "Yeah!" Nick agrees emphatically. Ken, who is lying prone on a table, says he wants to be older so that he can go to bars, since "everything fun in this world happens in bars." Speaking as a dumb old person, I can attest that Ken's claim is patently untrue, but Nick agrees with him and adds that he's heard that "there's this kick-ass band called Feedback playing at the Rusty Nail" the night, but that they'll card, so Nick can't go. Kim smugly chirps, "Maybe I'll go!" Nick tells her not to lord her fake ID over the rest of them. Shocked, Lindsay gasps, "You have a fake ID?" Kim proudly whips it out, explaining that it's her cousin's old driver's license. Lindsay appreciatively observes that the picture looks exactly like Kim, who crows, "I know!" Lindsay adds, "Except it says you're twenty-four." Affronted, Kim says, "So?" Lindsay's face falls, and Kim snatches the ID back, insisting that no one ever stops her because she looks "mature." Tentatively, Lindsay asks Daniel if he has one. Daniel says, "Why would I need one? I'm thirty-seven." Well, actually he didn't. What really happens is that everyone laughs knowingly, forcing Daniel to confess that a bouncer asked Daniel his "star sign" when he tried to use it once, and confiscated it when Daniel answered incorrectly. Nick mimics Daniel: "It's Capricorn. Cancer! Capricorn!" Lindsay gets another one of her brilllllllliant ideas and suggests that they all get fake IDs and go see Feedback. Nick says that Howie Gelfand sells fake IDs, but that they cost "a ton of money" that Nick doesn't have. Part II of Lindsay's brilliant plan goes into effect as she gets the idea to spend her college fund money on fake IDs for the gang. Dude! Nick proudly puts his arm around his generous (or foolhardy) girl. Ken says, "I don't know why, but I'm liking her more and more every day," and Nick says, "Join the club." Aw!
The Geeks strut down the hall with Maureen, looking like Geeky Reservoir Dogs. Gordon and Harris stand in the middle of the corridor with their mouths hanging open catching flies, and Bill casually asks, "Hey Gordon, hey Harris. Have you met our new friend Maureen?" Harris starts walking alongside the crew, asking Maureen if she's new to the school and suggesting that she stop by the AV room. Neal shoves Harris into a doorway. Sam tells Maureen tomorrow's pizza day in the cafeteria. Just then Cindy comes walking toward them, saying hi to Sam, who dismissively says hi back and otherwise ignores her in favour of Maureen. Cindy pauses, looking stung. Maureen asks the Geeks if they want to do something after school, since she doesn't have to be home until dinner. Neal excitedly says, "I don't have to be home ever!" Man, I really hoped, when I watched this the first time, that it wouldn't end badly.
At the mall, the Freaks enter a clothing store where, as the closed captions helpfully point out, disco music is playing. The store is full of disco-dud-clad mannequins, with the shirts unbuttoned to the waist, hip-huggers, and gold chains around the headless necks. Behind the counter, a disco clerk is throwing more gold chains onto a display stand like he's playing Ring Toss. He looks up to see the crowd of aggressively non-disco Freaks standing nervously in the doorway, and knowingly calls Howie to see to some customers. Cut to a pair of tapestry-patterned-hip-huggered legs, belonging to a mannequin with a bare silver chest, adorned only by a gold ankh pendant. A pair of hands rest on the mannequin's hips, and the owner of the hands peers out from behind the mannequin's shoulder. It's Jason "Max Fischer" Schwartzman, with a bitchin' shag hairdo and a Dirk-Diggleresque Italian rayon shirt. I think he's also wearing a chest wig. He struts up to the Freaks, trying to look bad-ass. Ken says bluntly, "We need some fake IDs," and Max shushes him, saying, "I work here." He has the Freaks follow him to the back of the store, as Ken corrects himself: "I mean...we need some...slacks." In the back, Max asks how many IDs they need. In a "duh" tone of voice, Daniel says, "Four." To Daniel, Max says, "Didn't I just get you one? Did you lose it already?" By way of explanation, Daniel says, "I'm not into astrology," as Ken and Nick laugh at him some more. Max gets agitated: "'Astrology.' It's not astrology, it's you, man, it's facts, it's who you're supposed to be. June: Cancer. Libra: October. Capricorn: December. Know it. 1958. You are. THEM." Daniel is unimpressed and asks Max whether he intends to get them the IDs or not. Instead of answering, Max asks, "Who's the chick?" Nick protectively tells Max Lindsay's name, and Max says, "All right, sorry, Bill Lambeer." Max goes on to say that the Freaks have good timing, since he's about to get a shipment of "genuine Canadian driver's licenses." Yes, they have cars in Canada, and they even did back in 1980. For some reason, the Freaks all appreciatively repeat "Canadian." Max says he needs to look at their faces and memorize them, so that when the driver's licenses come in, he can give them each a good match. He gets all up in each Freak's face and says the salient attributes out loud. When he gets to Lindsay, he gives her an appraising look and says, "Brown eyes...lovely brown hair." Once he's memorized them all, he says it's $100, half in advance. Lindsay says she's got it, and Max says, "A chick with money. You've got good taste, Stretch." For some reason, Lindsay's still carrying the money around in its birthday card. As soon as the money's changed hands, Max's boss comes up behind them and tells Max that there's a box of "Parisian nightsuits" in the back that isn't going to unpack itself. I'm scared to imagine what a Parisian nightsuit could be. The Freaks leave.
The Geeks are standing out on what looks like a giant parking lot, or some kind of cement-covered athletic field (of what kind, I couldn't hazard a guess), but I swear it's exactly the same place where Max Fischer and Dirk Holloway went to fly kites, and ran into Margaret Yang and her remote-controlled model airplane, in Rushmore. Anyway, Neal disgustedly says, "Had to bring the big rocket, didn't you?" Pull back to show all three Geeks; Bill has a rocket about the same height as Sam balanced on his hip. He says, "What? I got a big rocket. What am I supposed to do -- cut it in half?" Sam hits Neal a couple of times, alerting him to Maureen's approach. Neal says that she's beautiful. Bill says he can't believe she's going to hang out with them. Neal says, "What if I'm asleep right now, and this is just a dream, and any moment, Maureen and I are going to make love?" Bill yells, "EW!" and Sam asks, "Then what are we doing here?" Neal shrugs, and Bill says, "Maybe this is my nightmare." Maureen spots them, says "hey," and starts jogging. Through gritted teeth, Neal marvels, "My god, she's running to get to us!" When she gets to them, she tells them their rockets look great, and then remarks, "God, Bill -- your rocket's huge!" Casually, Bill says, "Oh, it is? I hadn't noticed." Neal rolls his eyes. Maureen says she's never launched a rocket before, and that this is going to be fun. What follows is a montage of rocket launches as "Rosalinda" by Billy Joel plays on the soundtrack. On a lesser show, it would have been a lot more salacious (with lots of sight gags in the rocket-as-phallus genre) but it's all very wholesome and adorable. Although, at the end, they launch Bill's big rocket and it goes about six inches into the air before falling back to earth and exploding into flames. Make of that what you will.
The Freaks walk down the street, with Kim and Lindsay a few yards in front of the guys. Kim points out that going to the Rusty Nail with Nick will be their first real date. Lindsay tries to wriggle out of it and says, "Not really. We're not going out or anything." Kim opines that they're "definitely more than friends," but Lindsay says, "I don't know. We only kissed once. It's not a big deal." Behind her, Nick is telling Ken and Daniel, "There's a real connection, man. I'm telling you guys, she likes me." Daniel asks if they're a couple now, and Nick says, "We're not really into labelling things, you know? We have a more mature relationship than that. Let's just say we have an understanding." Oh, Nick. Pride goeth before a girl unceremoniously dumps your ass.
The Geeks enter Casa Weir. Neal looks perplexed. Sam asks if this is what having a girlfriend is going to be like: "She's your best friend, and she's beautiful, and you can say and do anything in front of her?" Sam: Not until you're out of high school. Neal says, "My dad always says that's what women want you to think before you marry them. That's how they suck you in." Bill says, "She's the kind of woman you could cut the cheese in front of." Sam scoffs, "Oh yeah, Bill; that's what love is all about." Bill says -- and he's right, by the way: "It is. I mean, you couldn't be in love with someone if you couldn't. Think about it." Glark and I were together over a year before I farted in front of him. I honestly don't know how I got through the day. Reluctantly, Neal agrees that Bill is right: "You have to sleep with your wife every night of your life. If you couldn't blast one in bed, you'd get physically ill." Sam still isn't convinced. Bill asks, "What do you think you do, get up and run outside every time you have to let one rip? You'd never get any sleep." At this point, the first time I watched this, I was crying with laughter. I have always maintained that crossing the gas barrier is the final step to true intimacy. Sam shyly says he thinks he might like Maureen too. Bill and Neal both turn on him. Bill says he thought Sam liked Cindy Sanders. Sam says he does, but that the difference between her and Maureen is that Maureen talks to them: "She's not as scary." Neal insists that he's asking Maureen out, because "she clearly likes [him] best." Sam asks how Neal can tell, and Neal says, "You see the way she looks at me? She can barely contain herself." Bill says, "You just happen to be looking at her every time she's thinking about me." HA! Sam says that since all the Geeks are in love with Maureen, and since she likes all of them, all that's left is to decide who gets her. Bill asks how they do that. Neal says they'll do it the same way they decided who had to stand in line to get Empire Strikes Back tickets. Sam nods knowingly and says he'll go get the hat. Just then Dad Weir comes in and asks Sam if he's excited about the big Pit game on Friday. Sam snickers and replies, "I guess I have to be." Hee! Mom Weir comes to the kitchen doorway and asks Dad to come in for a minute. Bill muses, "I like Pit." Neal snaps, "You don't even know what Pit is!"
In the kitchen, Mom Weir tells Dad Weir to back off the kids, since if they force them to spend time with Mom and Dad, the kids will end up resenting them. Dad Weir says that in some cultures, when a child shames his parents, the parents are allowed to have them executed, and adds, "Well, I feel shamed!" Mom Weir placatingly suggests that if they don't force it, the kids will come to them.
The Geeks each put a folded piece of paper into a hard hat. Sam shakes it up a little and invites Bill to pick one. Neal asks why Bill gets to pick, and Sam says it's because he doesn't trust Neal. Bill roots around for a moment (as the other two tell him not to cheat, at which Bill admonishes them not to be "paranoid") and pulls out a slip. He hands it to Neal, who unfolds it and reads "BILL THE STUD," which was the funniest thing I saw that whole week. Bill gloats, "I'm the happiest man in the world!" Sam mopes, "Oh great, Bill. Now you can go and fart in front of her. You'll make quite the impression." Neal, still puzzling over the paper, yelps that Bill wet the paper with spit: "That's how he wins every time! He just feels for the wet one." Bill rolls over onto his back and says wistfully, "Mrs. Maureen Haverchuck. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"
Mr. Rosso stops Lindsay in the hall at school to give her some brochures for Ivy League schools. Enticingly, he adds: "Some are in colour!" Lindsay hisses at him to leave her alone. He says that it's his job to guide her. She pouts, "Guide someone else." Mr. Rosso follows her, and says that he heard the words, but her eyes said something else: "They said, 'I'm lost! I need your help! Don't listen to me, guide me!'" Lindsay insists that she doesn't need any help. Mr Rosso says, "Okay. Then why don't I come visit you, then, in the PRISON where you'll be LIVING, and give you some really good advice. Like, should you get shanked in the yard or in the dining hall? When you have your baby, which prison guard should take care of it? That kind of thing." Snerk. He winds up by sarcastically saying that that would be a really good way to do his job. Lindsay says, "Only time will tell. See you at the prison yard!" and flounces off to class. Mr. Rosso looks disappointed.
In another hall, the Geeks peer around a corner to watch Maureen strolling down the hall. Sam tries to pump Bill up into "getting [himself] a new girlfriend." Bill mutters that he's "never been readier." Neal asks what Bill plans to say to Maureen. Bill says he doesn't know: "Just going to let the love...flow." Neal complains about how unfair this is. As she gets closer, Bill panics and says he has to get something out of his locker. Sam bodily restrains him from flight. Neal says this is the reason they should have let him "have" Maureen: "I know what to say to a woman." They all peer around the corner and see that Maureen is talking to Vicki, the head cheerleader. Neal makes a horrified face. Sam asks what's wrong. Neal explains that once she gets into the popular crowd, the Geeks will never see Maureen again. The full horror of this scenario washes over Sam, who exclaims that they have to get Maureen away from Vicki. Neal tries to come up with a plan, and is fortunate enough to spy Eli walking down the hall. Neal calls Eli over; Eli greets them all by name. He's so friendly! Neal says, "Eli, Vicki Appleby told me that she doesn't think Three's Company is funny." Eli scoffs, "But it's the funniest show on TV!" Neal says that's what he told her, and shrugs. Eli says, with determination, that he had better go talk to Vicki, and takes off. The Geeks nervously watch him go. Eli walks over, politely says "excuse me" to Maureen and gently pushes her out of the way, then stands between Maureen and Vicki, gets in Vicki's face, and yells, "Three's Company is the best show on TV!" Vicki, plainly not knowing what to make of this, says, "Oh?" Eli goes on to explain the plot of the show, and the Geeks come around the corner and intercept Maureen.
Out on the Smoking Patio, Max -- now clad in a bitchin' tight red leather jacket -- whips out the fake IDs and distributes them to the Freaks. They all look excited until they check out the IDs, at which time their faces fall. Ken demands to know who "Jesus H. Garcia" is, only he pronounces it like the Jesus in "Jesus Christ." Max corrects him: "It's hay-ZEUS. It's your new identity. Tell me that picture doesn't look like you." The camera cuts to a close-up of an Alberta driver's license, with a picture of someone who looks like a moustachioed Miguel Ferrer. Ken says that the picture doesn't look like himself. Daniel says that it has to look better than his fake ID, which looks "kinda Chinese." Nick says that his does too. Max tries to calm them down by telling them "there's a big Vietnamese community up there in Alberta." There is? Lindsay says that her ID says she's twenty-nine. Max says that doesn't matter, since his own fake ID says he's thirty-four and he's never had any problems with it. Daniel gets up to stare Max down (and I do mean "down") and demand a refund. Max claims that the IDs are "top-grade stuff" and that he won't give them a refund. The even taller Nick gets up and repeats that they want a refund. Max reluctantly gives them their money back, and says, "It's hard to find matches for you guys; no one in Canada looks like you." The Freaks all hand back their IDs, except Ken, who says he thinks he can make the Jesus ID work for him. Lindsay pays Max for Ken's, and Max takes off. Bye, Max! Lindsay asks where they're supposed to get IDs now, since the band's playing tonight. Daniel says that Max was his only connection, and Lindsay, thinking, says she might know someone.
In the cafeteria, the Geeks are trying to figure out how to keep Maureen away from Vicki for the rest of their school career. Just then they look up to see that Vicki has started a conversation with Maureen in the cafeteria -- right there in front of the Geeks! The Geeks all look shocked. Bill asks where Eli is. Neal tells Sam to go talk to Vicki about Three's Company. Instead, Sam calls Maureen's name and invites her to come sit with them, which she does, but not before telling Vicki she'll talk to her in Algebra. Maureen sits down, and Sam observes that she got the pudding: "I like pudding too." Maureen says that she likes pudding when it's been "sitting around for a while, and it gets that skin on the top." Neal nods knowingly. Bill says, quite formally, "It's nice to see you again," and Neal asks how her day is going. She says it's great, and that she's met "tons of new people." Bill asks what she's doing this weekend, and Maureen says that Vicki invited her to a party. She adds, "Wasn't that nice of her?" The Geeks' faces fall. D'oh!
Lindsay jogs up to Millie in the hall. Millie gives her a cold reception. Lindsay casually asks Millie whether she ever talks to her cousin Toby anymore. Millie, affronted, emphatically replies that she hasn't spoken to Toby since he went to jail. Disappointed, Lindsay repeats, "He's in jail?" Millie says that he was, after getting caught stealing hood ornaments off cars. She adds, "They weren't going to lock him up, but he called the policeman a bad word." "Bad word" is not an expression I use enough, I've decided. Lindsay, caring only that Toby's not in jail, asks whether he still makes fake IDs. Millie says she doesn't know, since her family doesn't talk to Toby anymore. She explains, "He was dropped on his head when he was a baby. That's why we think he's a bad seed." Then realization dawns, and Millie demands, "Why do you want a fake ID? So you can go get loaded?" Lindsay protests that she just wants to go see a band. Millie points out, "That's why there's [sic] records." Lindsay disregards Millie's admonitions and asks for Toby's number, but Millie is adamant: "I'm not going to be an accessory to this crime. You know where he lives. Do it yourself." Way to stick to your guns, Mil.
The scene has Lindsay, Daniel, and Nick marching through some overgrown foliage on their way to what is presumably Toby's house. Nick is saying that he heard that the drinking age in Idaho is "something like ten." I'd like to tell our American friends that the drinking age in some Canadian provinces -- definitely Quebec and also, I believe, the abovementioned Alberta -- is only eighteen. Even in the comparatively sedate Ontario it's only nineteen. Plus your dollar goes a lot further. I'm just sayin'. (This message brought to you by the Canadian Ministry of Tourism.) Lindsay gently suggests that Nick's information might not be correct, and adds, "This is it." The house looks kind of creepy; there's some unidentifiable furniture on the porch (which is really more like a square of cement), and let's just say that gardening doesn't seem to be a hobby Toby enjoys. Nick asks how Lindsay knows Toby, and she says that since he's Millie's cousin, Lindsay used to know him when she was young, but she thinks "he's kind of scary now." Daniel confidently says that he thinks they can handle it. Nick nudges Lindsay to draw her attention to a chicken crossing his path. Somewhere, Ariel yelps in recognition at her former neighbours' house. Just then the screen door slams open and out steps The Ugly Guy (a.k.a. Kevin Corrigan, a.k.a. Toby). He's wearing a buff-coloured t-shirt that at first made me think was just his skin, and a lumberjacket with the sleeves cut off. Either he has a fake belly on, or he's gained a few pounds since Walking and Talking. He notices the kids on his lawn and tells them that "the pharmacy's closed." Daniel explains that they're there for fake IDs. The Ugly Guy makes some noises of recognition and then yells at them that only one person's allowed in at a time, and, pointing at Daniel (who's wearing a tight toque), yells, "You, McMurphy, you come in." He instructs Nick and Lindsay to stay outside, so Nick leans over and starts making affectionate noises at the rooster. Warningly, The Ugly Guy says, "Don't play with that rooster! That's not a nice, petty-pet-pet rooster." Nick says, "I'm sorry." The Ugly Guy says, "You're the one who'll be sorry. Very dangerous." What, he's trained it up as an attack rooster? The Ugly Guy goes inside. Lindsay watches, looking like she she's in over her head.
Inside, The Ugly Guy sets up a camera. Daniel inspects a shelf full of car stereos and asks The Ugly Guy where he got them. Daniel, it's no wonder you're a track three boy. The Ugly Guy tells Daniel not to touch them or even look at them. Daniel walks over to the other side of the room, where an otherworldly glow is emanating from a closet. Curious, he opens the door and sees many terraria filled with plants, and, because some members of the audience still weren't sure whether Daniel was exactly as thick as a plank, asks, "What's this?" The Ugly Guy loudly says, "I've got a green thumb. Don't worry about it." He indicates a chair and invites Daniel to sit down, then hangs up a poster-sized version of a driver's license with all the spaces blank, and a big hole cut out where the picture normally goes. Daniel admires the poster, to which The Ugly Guy replies, "It's a masterpiece." Daniel decides to push his luck just a little further by asking whether The Ugly Guy made it with a stencil. The Ugly Guy evasively says, "Yeah, you know." Daniel suggests that anyone could get the necessary materials at an art supply store, and then all one would need to complete the fake ID starter kit is a laminating machine. The Ugly Guy claims, "You can't just buy a laminating machine. You can't just go into a store and buy one, like it's a toaster or something. Only corporations have that stuff. It's very expensive." I don't think that's strictly true. In fact, now I want a laminating machine, just to have one -- much as I'd also like to have an old-fashioned punch clock and an industrial stapler. I just like office supplies. But I digress. The Ugly Guy tells Daniel to get behind the poster and put his head in the cut-out square, instructing him specifically not to stick his head through the cut-out square, which Daniel, of course, immediately does. Okay, he's dumb. We get it. The Ugly Guy further tells Daniel to take his hat, and then to arrange his face as if he's been waiting in line for two hours. When Daniel's acting is inadequate, The Ugly Guy directs him more specifically: "Look like you don't want to have your picture taken." Daniel tries to make a stern face. The flash pops and Daniel recoils. Deborah, I know he's your boyfriend, but he's a sack of hammers.
At school, the Geeks seek counsel from Harris as to how to counteract Vicki's party invitation. Sitar music, ostensibly to highlight Harris's role as the Geeks' guru, plays on the soundtrack. Harris asks, "Why should I help you guys, again? You weren't going to share her with me the other day." Neal asks rhetorically, "Would you share her with us?" Harris says, "Touché," and then tells them that if Maureen is going to be at Vicki's on Saturday, the Geeks should hang out with her on Friday: "Then, if you show her the time of her life, maybe -- just maybe -- she will continue to base that life out of your lunch table." They react distrustfully. Sam asks what their chances are, and Harris says, "You don't want to know." Neal asks where they should take her. Harris says that there's only one place that could compete with Vicki's party: "All-You-Can-Eat Night at the Iron Horse Restaurant." The Geeks all make "why didn't I think of that?" noises. Neal actually says, "It's so obvious," and Harris replies, "To me, it is." Heh.
Back at Creepy House, The Ugly Guy is finishing up Lindsay's ID; when he snaps down the arm of the paper cutter, Lindsay flinches, and does not seem to grow any more at ease when The Ugly Guy remarks, "My god, you are a very beautiful girl -- woman." Lindsay nervously feigns pleasure at the compliment. He goes on: "When we were kids, you were really cute, but, I mean, I never thought you would turn out this hot." Lindsay glances at Nick, who is standing beside her, and says nothing. The Ugly Guy asks her if she goes to McKinley. She nods, and he gets up, stands a little too close, and nonchalantly tells her that it's a pretty good school, and that he "almost graduated from there a few years ago." Nick's expression darkens. The Ugly Guy, in some scary approximation of flirting, asks whether Lindsay's hungry, and offers her some cookies. She politely turns him down. Nick asks whether this will take a long time, and The Ugly Guy tells him to "be cool," since the laminating machine has to warm up. He adds that Nick isn't even supposed to be there, and that he's breaking his own one-person-at-a-time rule. Sensing that it would be worse for Lindsay if he got himself kicked out, Nick apologizes. The Ugly Guy turns his attention back to Lindsay, inviting her to see "Yes at Cobo." Still polite, she gently tells him that she doesn't think she can. The Ugly Guy asks, instead, for her to give him her phone number. Lindsay starts to make nervous noises, clearly trying to think of an excuse not to give it to him, but Nick breaks in and saves her: "Hey, you know, actually, she's my girlfriend, man, so do you think maybe you could stop hitting on her?" The Ugly Guy warningly says, "No. No, she's not," and Lindsay says, in a tone that's meant to be breezy while still saving The Ugly Guy face, "Yeah, I am his girlfriend." She puts her arm around Nick's, as he looks surprised and proud. The Ugly Guy says, "Hey, man. That's not cool That's not cool. Now you make me feel like a fool, you know, asking for your number." Lindsay nervously says, "No, you can have my phone number. It's just that I have a boyfriend." The Ugly Guy mutters that he didn't even have to ask, since he could get Lindsay's number from Millie, but that he was trying to be polite. Nick and Lindsay stand with their arms linked, looking like they're praying to all the gods for this ordeal to be over. The Ugly Guy hands them their IDs and says that it's $75 each. Nick pipes up that The Ugly Guy had said that it was $40 each. The Ugly Guy cocks an eyebrow and says, "Did I?...A hundred each." Lindsay pays him. Kevin Corrigan did a really excellent job portraying that kind of small-town menace that seems so bad-ass when you're fifteen. There was this guy in my English class my senior year who got caught on a break-and-enter because he was so stoned when he did it that he fell asleep mid-robbery. We all thought he was so scary, but looking back he just seems sad. So will The Ugly Guy seem to Lindsay and Nick in a few years.
In Daniel's car, he and Kim check out his fake ID. Kim claims that Daniel looks "hotter" in the fake one than he does on his real driver's licence. Examining his real licence more closely, she asks, "Is this one fake too?" It says Daniel's eighteen. Daniel defensively reminds her that he was left back. Kim says that even so, it wouldn't make him eighteen. Daniel clenches his jaw and admits that he was left back twice. Kim says, "All right! Eighteen -- that makes me jailbait!" and jumps on him, cooing that if he doesn't look out she'll call the cops on him. Daniel plays along: "Officer! I didn't know! Look at her -- she looks thirty!" Kim gleefully screeches, "No, I don't!" Aw. That was cute. But seriously, Daniel is my dad's age, for real.
In the Weir dining room, Mom and Dad play a boisterous round of Pit, alone. Sam and Lindsay appear in the doorway, clearly dressed to go out. Dad invites them to "pull up a chair" for some "high-stakes trading." Lindsay reminds him that she already told him she's going out, and Sam pretty much says "ditto." Mom and Dad let them go without a fight, and Mom rings the Pit bell and tries to resume their game. Dad pouts that Pit isn't any fun with just two people. Mom says, "Nobody's home. You wanna have a little sex?" Dad snaps, "Sex? Well. Okay." HA!
At the Iron Horse, Maureen asks how "this" works. Uh. She's supposed to be from Florida, not Romania. Neal tells her, "We order a lot of food, and then keep asking for more until they go out of business." Bill says that his mom told him it takes a while for your brain to tell your stomach it's full, so you should "eat really fast." Sam says that the only problem is that the service is really slow. Neal adds, "They take forever on purpose so you get full while you wait. Watch how much bread they bring us." Maureen says that she's here to eat lots of ribs. When the waiter comes to their table, Maureen tells him that she's heard the service is slow because he doesn't want them to eat a lot. The waiter snarks that he doesn't own the place, and thus doesn't care how much they eat. Maureen says, "Are you sure?" and I'm thinking, "Lady, that's a good way to guarantee that someone's going to spit in your food." The waiter says, "No. Actually, I'm a millionaire and I just do this for fun." Bill gasps, "Really?" Blah blah blah, the waiter promises to bring ribs faster than they can eat them if the Geeks give him a good tip. Maureen says, "This is going to be the best night ever." Bill says, "I hope so." The waiter comes back and drops an absolutely enormous basket of bread on the table, and Neal says, "See?" Billy Joel's "Don't Ask Me Why" plays on the soundtrack as they all scarf ribs. Man, old Billy Joel is really good. I'm serious.
Two bouncers stand outside a bar, chatting about how funny Diff'rent Strokes is. The Freaks march up to the door. Lindsay hisses at Kim that she's really nervous, and Kim tells her to do it like they discussed, and it'll be okay. Both the girls have on more make-up than they've worn for the entire series up to this point. Kim confidently walks through the door first, casually saying, "Hey, Jimmy, what's up?" Daniel's , and he does the whole "I-hope-I-brought-my-ID" routine, ending by handing over the fake and saying, "Being a Sagittarius, I'm always forgetting these things." The bouncer sends him in. in line is Ken. The bouncer asks, "Where's your moustache, JEE-sus?" Ken says, "It's hey-ZEUS, and I shaved it." The bouncer tells him he looked better with it, and sends him in. Ken says, "Gracias." Nick steps up, and tells the bouncers, "It's great you guys are carding. Makes me feel like a kid again." Dude, don't lay it on so thick! Finally it's Lindsay's turn. She stares the bouncer in the eye and asks him how he's doing. He summarily sends her in. She asks, "Don't you want to see my ID?" and he says, "No, you're good." She hurries in before he can change his mind. The bouncer turns to his colleague and remarks, "Those IDs look nuts! Business must be pretty bad if we're supposed to let them in." His partner nods sagely.
Inside, the Freaks sit down and gloat over their victory. The band on stage plays some chords and everyone starts applauding. Nick leans over to tell Lindsay, "We wouldn't be here without you. Thanks a lot, all right?" She smiles modestly. The announcer asks if the crowd is "ready to rock," which, thankfully, they are, so he introduces Feedback. The crowd goes nuts. The lights come up on the stage, spotlighting Feedback's lead singer: Mr. Rosso. YEAH! He starts singing that Alice Cooper "Eighteen" song he sang at the beginning of the show. The Freaks abruptly stop rocking out. Truthfully, Mr. Rosso's really not bad. He even wins over Nick, who air drums at his table. I have to give it up for the producers, because I did not see that coming at all.
Back at the Iron Horse, Maureen uses her finger to wipe off strategic parts of the chalkboard in the foyer. The Geeks, apparently having just paid the bill, hang back and watch her. Sam wonders if they'll ever see her again. Neal says they'll see her plenty: "Sitting at the popular table." Bill says, "No way. She's cool. We'll be friends with her for a long time." Sam says he hopes so. Outside, a car horn honks; Maureen says that's her dad and cheerfully says goodbye and thanks them, checking again to make sure that they don't want any money. Neal assures her that they don't, and she says they should do this again sometime. She says she'll see them later, and adds, "Specials are good." They check out the chalk board, where she's changed one dish to read "Pan-fried butt." Sam cracks up, and Bill asks, "How are we not supposed to be in love with her?" They all sober. Dudes!
At the Rusty Nail, Feedback continues to tear up the stage. As they wind up "American Band," Kim yells to Lindsay, at the table, "They're not bad!" A barmaid serves them all beer. From the stage, Mr. Rosso says he needs to introduce his band: "But first, we have some special guests in the audience I'd like to introduce. All the way from McKinley high school, we have the key members of another smokin' band we like to call Creation." The Freaks' faces fall, but no one has the presence of mind to slurp up what beer they have while they still can. Daniel covers his face. Mr. Rosso introduces them all by name, and adds, "Hold on, Sue. I can't let you serve our guests plain old beer! Why don't you bring them some of your finest pop, on the house." The bass starts up and Mr. Rosso launches into "The Underage Drinking Blues." The barmaid takes back all their beer. Nick mutters, "I was just starting to like that guy, too."
In the cafeteria, on what one presumes is Monday, Maureen pays for her lunch. The Geeks walk her. Sam says, "The moment of truth..." Maureen walks past a table full of cheerleaders and the Geeks perk up. She walks over to their table and brightly says, "Hey, guys. Do you mind if I go over and sit with those guys today?" After a beat, to allow the camera to pass over each glum face, Sam nonchalantly says, "No, not at all." Maureen shrugs and asks if they want to come sit with her. Bill incredulously asks, "Over there?" and Maureen tells them they don't have to sit at their original table forever if they don't want to. Sam says they know, but that they "like it here." Neal tells her to go have fun with her friends: "We'll be here if you need us." She turns to go, and Sam tells her, "Just remember: The jocks are only after one thing." Neal tells her to be careful around Vicki: "She's a wolf in sheep's clothing." Bill adds, "Don't believe everything they say about...people in the school. Because they don't always take the time to get to know everyone." Maureen reminds them that she's just moving three tables over, not back to Florida. They all give her knowing looks, and try to laugh it off. She tells them she'll see them in Biology, and walks off as "Rosalinda" swells on the soundtrack. As Maureen walks off, she gives them one last smile over her shoulder. The Geeks watch her, looking wistful. Eli walks up and asks if the fourth chair at their table is taken. Neal says heartily, "It is by you, my good man." He asks them if they happened to see Three's Company last night. Sam invites him to tell them what happened, and Eli gratefully does, as the screen goes black.
You know, when the episode first aired, Ros wondered, on the forums, whether that was the last of Maureen, and fuzzylogician said, quite definitely, "We'll never see her again." I hoped that wasn't true, but having watched her departure scene again, I really think that was the producers' way of telling us it's definitely over.
week, Lindsay and Nick get a lot closer, and Bill gets to be lab partners with Cindy Sanders, causing Sam no end of consternation. Peace out!
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