The episode begins with a close-up of the trophy case in the hallway of McKinley High. Cheerleaders are milling around as kids stream in through the door from the parking lot. Millie -- carrying a large, open box of doughnuts -- walks by Nick and Daniel, who are leaning against some lockers. Daniel reaches into Millie's box and grabs a doughnut. Millie protests, "Hey, those are for my French class!" Daniel says, "Oh, but I love sprinkles." Through her gritted teeth, Millie says, "Fine, just eat it." Nick, who has his drumsticks at the ready should there be any need for a Neil Peartian solo, whines that he's "really hungry, too." Millie allows him to take a plain one. As Millie moves on, a girl with greasy long, parted-down-the-centre hair walks backward right into Millie and her box. ["I recently learned that this chick is played by Rashida Jones, daughter of Quincy Jones and Twin Peaks star Peggy Lipton. I remember when she and her sister Kidada were in Sassy, back when it was good." -- Wing Chun] All of the doughnuts hit the floor, and Greasy Girl snipes, "People are walking here, okay? God!" I think Greasy Girl buys her shampoo at the same place Daniel does, which is to say, nowhere. Millie bleats, "Now they're dirty. Just eat them," and flounces off. Daniel and Nick snicker and pick up the doughnuts. Nick gives one to Kim, to whom Greasy Girl was talking when she collided with Millie. Nick proffers a doughnut to Greasy Girl, and she makes no move to take it. He asks her what her problem is, and Greasy Girl says, "My problem is your face, dirtbag." Except when she says "face" it comes out at "feece." Greasy Girl storms off -- presumably to take the lemon wedge out of her mouth, since it's souring her attitude and her ability to enunciate vowels correctly. She should squeeze it out on to her hair, since lemon is a natural degreaser. Threading a few doughnuts onto his drumstick, Nick asks Kim what's wrong with Greasy Girl. Kim relates that "Ricky dumped her this morning. I don't know, she's on the warpath." Daniel says, "Well, if she's looking for new customers, I'm up for a test drive." Nick and Kim laugh and she tells Daniel to shut up. How about test driving a shampoo brand other than Gee Your Hair Smells Horrific?
Further along the hall, a musclehead is flexing his biceps for an airhead. The airhead mewls, "Ooh, you're looking huge," which causes the musclehead to go into Hans and Franz mode. During the posing, Sam happens to be walking past with Neal and Bill, and Musclehead's fist connects with Sam's gut. Musclehead asks Sam, by way of apology, "Are you okay, little guy?" Sam says he is, but when they're out of earshot, he cries, "I can't breathe!" Bill remarks, "That guy hit you in the solar plexus." Sam hobbles over to his locker. Neal tells them about an "amazing chem set" that his brother sent him, and suggests that they get together after school to "make some acid, pour it on the sidewalk, and watch it kill bugs." Before Sam or Bill can respond, Kim and Greasy Girl walk up behind Sam. Greasy Girl taps Sam on the shoulder while Kim stands by, eating a doughnut. Greasy Girl asks Sam what he's doing at her locker. Sam apologizes and explains that his locker is nearby and that he's "out of it" due to being hit in the solar plexus. I don't think that Greasy Girl would know a solar plexus from a solar eclipse, and I doubt she'd care. Greasy Girl is unsympathetic and tells Sam to "move [his] ass." Kim stirs the pot by saying, "Hey Karen, is this guy trying to break into your locker?" Sam protests that he was just confused. Karen thinks that Sam is very confused; she wonders whether he's even in the right school, because she thinks he's too young to be in high school. Sam's claim to being fourteen doesn't cut any ice with Karen; she slams him up against the lockers and lifts up his shirt to reveal a hairless armpit. She makes him swear he's fourteen, and then pronounces him a "geek." She pushes him aside and writes "GEEK" in red lipstick on Sam's locker door. Surprisingly, she spells it correctly. She tells him that, from now on, he'll always know which locker is his. Kim and Karen walk away while Sam laments his locker. Bill asks, "You don't have hair on your pits?"
Lindsay joins Nick, Daniel, and Kim, who are sitting a table in the cafeteria. Daniel asks Kim why Ricky broke up with Karen, and wonders whether Karen is a prude. That question makes Nick spew a drink through his nose. Kim says that Karen isn't a prude: "She's a slut, obviously." Daniel concurs that she must be a slut if she's a friend of Kim's. Kim explains that Karen started "getting it on" with Ricky's older brother last week. That elicits a "cool!" from Nick. Kim adds that Ricky walked in on Karen and his brother yesterday, which elicits an "ew!" from Nick. Lindsay, who has been silently following the conversation since she sat down, asks, "Who walked in on who?" Kim mockingly repeats Lindsay's question and adds, "God, people in this school are so gossipy. Like, get a life." Lindsay frowns. Kim dips her finger into Lindsay's pudding, and then licks it. Lindsay gets up from the table and takes her tray with her. Kim says, "What's wrong with her?"
Lindsay goes to a table where Gordon is sitting with a half-eaten Pogo in his hand, and another girl -- who is sporting orthodontic headgear -- is doing homework. Lindsay says hello, and Gordon announces that the empty seat Lindsay is about to take is "Gary Moss's seat." Lindsay gets up, and Gordon informs her that Gary Moss is sick with impetigo, so Lindsay sits down again. Ew, I don't know if I'd be so quick to sit in a chair usually used by someone with a contagious and gross skin condition like impetigo. I was particularly squeamish at that age. Once, my mother received a fundraising letter from the Leprosy Association. I was going through the mail when I came across that envelope, and I dropped it like it was on fire. My reasoning was that you could never be sure who licked the envelope. Anyway, Lindsay gets points for not being icked out. Hell, if she can imagine eating at the same table as Daniel and his 10W30-coiffed hair, then what's a little impetigo? Nick comes over to the table, takes the empty seat beside Gordon, and asks Lindsay if she's going to "sit over [there] now." Lindsay states that she doesn't want to be abused, especially when she goes out of her way to be nice to Kim. HeadGear Girl leans over to pick up something and her braces get caught on Lindsay's sweater sleeve. Lindsay disentangles herself as Nick says he'll talk to Kim. Lindsay asks him not to say anything, and Nick agreeably promises not to talk to Kim.
Sam is cleaning the lipstick off his locker door while Neal stands by and narrates the proceedings in his Rod Serling voice. Sam tells him that he's not funny. Neal says that he can't believe Karen inspected Sam's pits. Bill says, "I thought she was gonna make sweet luuuve to you." Sam just frowns at both of them. The bell rings, and they start to walk away. Sam whines that he doesn't know what to do. He can't fight her because his dad has a rule: "You don't fight girls." Neal says that his dad has a rule, too: "You don't piss your pants at school." Oooh, burn. Sam squeals that he didn't piss his pants. Karen comes up behind them, yelling about the fact that Sam cleaned the lipstick off his locker. She thinks that, without it, he won't remember which locker is his. Sam informs her that he doesn't want to fight her. Karen gets all up in his face and asks if he wants to "mix it up." Bill says, "Oooh." Karen snarls to Neal, "What was that, Bilbo Baggins?" Hee, I guess she saw that horrible animated version of The Hobbit in English class, too. I saw it in my grade ten English class in 1980, and Neal does look like Bilbo. A lot of people at my school started calling one of the teachers Bilbo Bowers after seeing that video. Karen's insult reminds me of the better parts of high school: insulting teachers. Neal rats out Bill. Karen asks if they're "deformed," and then tells Sam that she's going to put a permanent reminder on his locker, like with "geek blood." Neal runs off while Sam glowers at Karen, who backs away. Bill tells Sam, "I hope she means your geek blood."
Lindsay sees Daniel hanging around in the hallway and asks what he's doing. He says he's waiting for Kim, who is screaming into a pay phone a short distance away. Daniel makes a comment about relationships being hard and Lindsay snorts, "Especially if you're going out with her." Realizing what she's said, she quickly apologizes; Daniel says he knows, but that Kim is really okay when you get to know her. Y'know, I've rarely found that to be true in really life. Once I've gotten to know jerks or bitches or snobs, they haven't turned out to be anything but jerks, bitches, and snobs. ["That's been my experience, too, but sometimes I am friends with jerks, bitches, and snobs precisely because we share those qualities." -- Wing Chun] Kim screams into the receiver, "Mother, you've really lost it," then slams down the phone. She joins Lindsay and Daniel and says that her mother is being a "total shrew." The bell rings, and Daniel heads off to class. Lindsay walks away with Kim following behind. Kim says, "How's it going'?" Lindsay very guardedly replies, "Okay." Kim asks her to hang out later on, and Lindsay reluctantly agrees. Lindsay watches Kim walk away and is soon joined by Millie, who says, "I heard about what she does in the yearbook darkroom." Lindsay asks, "'What she does'?" Millie claims that Kim "does it." Lindsay asks what "it" is. Millie elucidates that Kim "fornicates it." Lindsay is skeptical but says, "We all can't be girl scouts, Millie," before walking away.
Bill is waiting in the hall for Sam to come out of a classroom. When Sam emerges, Bill tells him he has to see something, and leads Sam to his locker. On the locker door, in black block letters, are the words "PYGMY GEEK." Sam asks Bill what a pygmy is, and Bill explains that it's an "Australian dwarf." Bill advises Sam to get rid of the graffiti immediately or else he'll be called "pygmy geek" for the four years. Sam breaks through the crowd around his locker and starts to scribble over Karen's handiwork with his own black marker. Mr. Kowchevski spies him and blah-blahs about ruining school property. Sam tries to explains that he didn't do it, but doesn't get very far since he's holding a marker in his hand. Kowchevski assigns Sam a five-hundred-word essay about "why the property of the school should be respected and why we should respect it." Obviously, Kowchevski teaches math and only math. Sam has to hand in the essay the nest day or be put on "trash detail" for a week. Bill laughs in the background and Kowchevski snipes at him, "Laugh it up!" then gives him a light tap on his shoulder. Bill continues to laugh, so Sam slugs him on the arm.
Kim and Daniel are snogging under the bleachers as Lindsay walks by. Kim sees her, asks what she's doing, and then invites her over for dinner. When Lindsay accepts the invitation, Kim says she'll pick her up at 5:30. Kim and Daniel resume groping when Lindsay leaves.
In the Weir kitchen, Mom Weir is peeling potatoes when Sam takes a Tupperware container out of the fridge and begins eating the contents. Mom chides him that he'll ruin his dinner. Sam explains that he's "loading up on carbs." Mom brandishes a peeled potato and informs him that they're having "carbs" for dinner. Sam screams, "Do you want me to stay a midget? Is that what you want?" He must also be loading up on caffeine. Chill, Sam. Mom says that he isn't a midget, but Sam insists that he is, and that it's because "there's no food" in the house. Ah, the teen there's-nothing-to-eat refrain. I remember it well. Mom points out that the place is full of fruit roll-ups and beef jerky. That's hardly a strong refutation, in my opinion. Lindsay comes in and asks whether she may have dinner at her friend Kim Kelly's house. Mom asks her what Kim is like, and Lindsay describes Kim as "just a girl." Sam interjects that Kim is "a psycho," and that she and Karen "run around the school being evil." Mom wonders why Lindsay would want to be friends with someone like that. Lindsay claims that Kim is not evil. Mom suggests that Lindsay go to Kim's another night, but when Lindsay whines, Mom gives in. Lindsay shoots Sam the stink-eye for his meddling.
Lindsay is sitting on the curb waiting for Kim when Sam comes out carrying some garbage bags to the curb. He asks her why she's friends with Kim. Lindsay tells him not to talk to her. Sam states that Kim is his enemy. Lindsay suggests that he should go to another high school if he's going to be a tattletale and try to get her into trouble. Sam says that he doesn't know why Lindsay hangs around with Kim, because Kim and her friend pick on him. When he explains that Kim called him a geek, Lindsay says that maybe Sam is a geek. Sam is wounded, and when Lindsay notices his discomfiture, she tries to apologize. Just then, Kim roars up in her rattletrap Gremlin, narrowly missing Sam and the garbage cans and growling, "Move it or lose it." Sam stomps back into the house. Lindsay asks Kim to stop picking on her little brother. Kim remarks that she forgot Sam was Lindsay's brother because he looks like all the other geeks. Is that so, Kim? How 'bout we mosey on over to your house and see what your family is like?
Sam walks back into the house and announces to Mom that he hates "Lindsay and her stupid friends." Of course, Mom being a mother and all, she's compelled to contradict Sam and say that he really doesn't hate Lindsay. Sam reiterates that he does as he grabs a banana from the fruit bowl and starts peeling it. He says that Lindsay sucks, and then he shoves half the banana into his mouth. Mom admonishes, "Samuel, don't ever use that disgusting word again." Sam grudgingly apologizes and continues to jam the banana into his cakehole.
Kim pulls her car into her unpaved driveway. At first, I thought they were in an alley behind the house, but the dirt lawn appears to be at the front of the house. Van Halen's "Janie's Cryin'" is blasting from her car stereo. Kim turns off the music and warns Lindsay that her parents are "seriously wacko." Lindsay commiserates and says that her parents are, too. Kim persists by explaining that her parents are mental and that they're just looking for a reason to sell Kim's car, which was a gift from her Aunt Cathy. While Kim is ranting, she puts some drops in her eyes and sprays breath freshener into her mouth. Aunt Cathy was "totally rad" and lived in Los Angeles, where she had a bit part on Kojak. Lindsay thinks Kim's aunt sounds "awesome." Kim matter-of-factly states that her aunt died from a cocaine overdose. Lindsay frowns. Kim explains that "there's a lot riding on this dinner." It seems that her parents hate all of her friends, especially Karen and Daniel, so she's been talking up her non-existent friendship with Lindsay. In fact, Kim has been telling her parents that she's been staying over at the Weir's non-existent holiday home in Benton Harbor. In fact, she told them that they were up there last weekend, and that they spent their time water-skiing. Lindsay is miffed to discover that Kim is using her. They get out of the car and Kim orders Lindsay to lock the door because she doesn't want her car to get stolen. By whom? Random junkyard dealers cruising the neighbourhood for spare parts? As they walk to the front door, which has an old dishwasher sitting to one side of it and rolls of ugly carpet and linoleum on the other, Kim tells Lindsay that her mother will be prodding Lindsay for information, and that Lindsay should just follow Kim's lead. Kim's mother comes out the door and says, "Hi they-uh, you must be Lindsay," channelling Kathy Bates's accent from Dolores Claiborne. Mrs. Kelly -- and with her tasteful demeanour, I'm guessing her first name is Grace -- asks Kim if she remembered to bring home some soda. I guess that's another clue that she's not originally from Michigan, where they call it "pop," not "soda." Kim snarks that she forgot. Mrs. Kelly snipes, "Yeah? Well, I forgot to make ya dinnuh. How d'ya like that?" She motions for Lindsay to come in; Lindsay follows, grimacing.
Once inside, we see that there are very few interior walls, but a proliferation of exposed wall studs and wiring. Kim, Lindsay, and Kim's stepfather are seated at the kitchen table when Mrs. Grace Kelly sets a bucket of chicken on it. Grace quizzes Lindsay about her good grades. Lindsay starts to deny being smart until Kim kicks her under the table. When she admits to getting good grades, Grace asks why she doesn't help Kim, who is "hanging on for dear life." Kim claims that she gets good grades. Grace disagrees and says, "I hate to blow your mind, sistuh, but Ds are not good. Ds are bad." Mr. Kelly chuckles, gnawing on a chicken leg. Kim yells about having a pervert history teacher and not wanting to be "tutored" by him. Her mother tells her to "can it" because she might wake up Chip, who is snoring on a couch just beyond a partial wall. Chip is ably played by Mike White -- Buck of Chuck & Buck fame. Besides writing the movie, he also wrote this episode as well as "We've Got Spirit." Kim mumbles, "At least I know how to read." With a mouth full of chicken, Mr. Kelly demands, "What's that?" Kim says it was nothing, while Lindsay looks increasingly uncomfortable. Grace resumes questioning Lindsay. This time it's about the Weirs' non-existent vacation house. Apparently, Grace did some waitressing up theyuh in Benton Hahbuh, and she knows the town well. She wants to know exactly where the Weirs' place is. Why she wouldn't have wanted to know that, oh, before she allowed Kim to go there, is beyond me. ["Maybe Kim's already answered and Grace is testing Lindsay to make sure the stories jibe?" -- Wing Chun] Grace guesses that the Weirs are rich. When Lindsay tries to deny it, she gets another kick under the table from Kim. Lindsay says that she's not supposed to talk about her family's wealth because her father "always says a farmer is never supposed to reveal how many cows he has." Grace chuckles knowingly, but Mr. Kelly asks, "Your old man's a farmer?" Lindsay explains that her father owns A1 Sporting Goods. Mr. Kelly wonders if Dad Weir can give them a discount. Kim rolls her eyes. Grace points out that they don't live the way that the Weirs do. Mr. Kelly gets defensive and says that they "get by," and mumbling that they're "remodelling." Grace pipes up, "Oh, and take your time with that. I love relievin' myself behind a showuh curtain." Lindsay grins sickly.
In Sam's bedroom, Bill opens a container from Neal's chemistry set and declares that it "smells like fart." Sam is at his desk working on his essay, and Steve Martin's "King Tut" is playing in the background. Yes, high-school kids back then actually purchased Steve Martin's two albums (yes, albums) and played them often enough to memorize them. A few years ago, I heard one of them again for the first time in two decades. It was so painfully unfunny and I couldn't figure out what any of us thought was so hilarious back then. I suspect that it might have been hysterical if heard in situations which That 70s Show so accurately depicts with its 360-degree revolving stoner-cam. However, these kids' only use of acid is the kind that comes with chemistry sets. Neal wants Bill to hold a test tube for him, but Bill refuses because he's heard about a chemical which "burns your flesh." He mentions a kid who got a little bit on him and now "he's going to Disneyland for his last hoo-rah." Sam asks them to be quiet because he's struggling with his essay and he only has thirty-three words so far. He whines about how unfair the situation is, because Karen doesn't have to write an essay and she's the one to blame. Bill thinks that Karen is a "sex fiend," and he counsels Sam to move his locker because she may come to school "really horny one day." Neal weighs in that "girls don't get horny; only guys get horny." Bill surmises that Karen could be a guy. Neal furrows his brow and tells Sam that if he were Sam, he's go to Karen's house and make her write the essay. Sam doubts that Neal would do that, and Neal states, "You can't let chicks humiliate you like that in public." Sam says that Karen didn't humiliate him; Neal disagrees. Sam brings up the fact that Neal ran away when Karen spoke to him, and calls Neal Bilbo Baggins, for good measure. Neal retaliates that at least he's "not a pygmy." Sam doesn't have a comeback for that one.
Chez Kelly, Grace is still grilling Lindsay about her Benton Hahbuh home. Lindsay cracks under the pressure and ends up saying that their house is on Benton Harbor Street. The fight is on and all the yelling rouses Chip, who mumbles, "What's happening?" Both parents shout at Kim, and her mother declares that they're selling the car. Kim grabs the keys and starts screeching when her mother tries to take them from her. Lindsay runs for the door, and Kim lobs the keys to her. Lindsay runs outside to the car with Mr. Kelly hot on her heels. She manages to lock herself in the car while Kim breaks free of her mother and jumps into the driver's seat. Mr. Kelly is pounding on the car and yelling at Kim not to start it while Grace screams that if Kim leaves, she can't come back, and that she's going to "call the cops." Kim manages to start the car and put it in reverse. After they've peeled out, Mr. Kelly tells Grace, "You spoil her!" I know from personal experience that home renovations can make you crazy, but I don't think it could account completely for the level of dysfunction in that house.
Kim brings the car to a halt in the middle of a street and starts pounding the steering wheel and screeching, "This is my car! My car! My car! My car!" Lindsay looks on in horror, and after a moment, asks Kim if she's okay. Kim chastises Lindsay for saying her house was on Benton Harbor Street. Lindsay retorts that Kim could have informed her that she was being used. Kim apologizes and says that she just wanted to bring home someone who was not a loser. Lindsay accepts the apology with a "whatever." Kim claims that her stepfather won't sell her car because of "all the dirt she has on him." Lindsay, who is clearly out of her depth, nods and tries to calm Kim down. Kim says that she wants to find Daniel, who will "flip out" when he hears what has happened. Kim starts the car and they squeal off.
Back in Sam's room, things are getting ugly as Neal and Sam continue arguing about which of them is the bigger geek. Sam thinks that playing with a chemistry set at age fourteen is geekish. Neal retaliates by saying that most fourteen-year-olds don't play with Tonka trucks. Sam denies playing with trucks and claims that he gave them away long ago. Neal goes to Sam's closet and pulls out a tray of Dinky toys, and then trumps Sam's protests with a declaration that he, unlike Sam, has hair in his pits. Sam goes to Bill -- who has been standing in the background examining a model of a robot -- and asks him to decide which of them is the bigger geek. Throughout the scene, the Little River Band's song "Reminiscing" has been playing. I think that means they're all geeks. Bill doesn't want to make a decision, but they pressure him to pick, so he declares Sam King Geek. Neal patronizes Sam by pointing out the famous geeks in history like "Einstein, Gilligan, and Gomer Pyle." Sam sees red and lunges at Neal. They end up tussling on the bed until Neal pushes Sam off him. In a major shout-out, Neal asks Sam if he's "done with [his] little hissyfit." Sam goes for Neal's throat, and they end up rolling off the bed and onto the chemistry set, which is on the floor at the end of the bed. They set off a chemical reaction, which produces a lot of hissing and haze. Bill yells, "Cover your flesh!" as he pulls his arms into his short-sleeved shirt. Sam orders them both out of his room.
Kim drives to a basketball court, where Daniel and Nick like to shoot hoops. However, Nick is the only playing basketball. Daniel is courtside, caressing Karen's face. Their two heads so close together constitutes an oil slick of major proportions. Greenpeace is rallying its troops to spearhead a clean-up campaign. Kim freaks when she sees them, and drives over the grass to the court, where she terrorizes them both with her car and with her demonic screeching. Lindsay looks stricken and holds on for dear life. Kim wails, "You are so dead!" and roars off. Daniel, master of the understatement, says, "She is so pissed." You think so, Vidal Sassoon?
Sam is tossing his toy cars and trucks into the garbage when Lindsay and Kim arrive back at the Weirs'. If he only knew that he'd be able to make a serious dent in his mortgage in twenty years if he kept those cars and sold them on eBay. Sam disappears into the house when he sees his enemy, Kim. Lindsay suggests that maybe nothing was going on with Daniel and Karen, and that perhaps they were just "goofing around." Kim isn't buying it, and starts to cry. She thinks that Daniel is the nicest guy she's ever met and that he's "sexier than Rod Stewart." There is so much wrong with that comment, I don't even know where to begin. For one thing, Bill is sexier than Rod Stewart, as are both Mr. Weir and Gordon. I don't think that being sexier than Rod Stewart is a particularly mean feat. However, since Daniel looks to be roughly the same age as Rod Stewart, I suppose it isn't an unfair comparison. She characterizes Daniel as "a normal guy who'll screw anything that moves," which is why she has "to stay alert and...be a bitch." Kim gets hysterical again and cries that her parents hate her and that Lindsay is her only friend, but that Lindsay is "a total loser, no offense." Lindsay looks away, pondering how to get as far away from Kim as possible.
In the Weir dining room, Sam attacks his dinner with ravenous fervour. Mom tells him to slow down because "it isn't a race." Dad doesn't see anything wrong with Sam's behaviour and thinks he needs "a little meat on his bones." Mom is "worried that he might have worms," and even asks Sam whether he thinks he might have worms. Way to go, Mom. Worm talk at the dinner table will certainly put anyone off his food. Sam pauses briefly, but says nothing. Lindsay and Kim come in, and Lindsay announces that they will be in her room. When Mom offers them dinner, Lindsay declines, but Kim sniffles, "Whatcha eatin'?" Mom insists that they sit down, and Kim plunks down at the table and starts picking potatoes out of the serving dish with her fingers and eating them.
Later -- armed with a knife and fork which she wields like farm implements -- Kim attacks her plate between sobs and asks Dad Weir why "guys are only interested in sex." The Weirs exchange glances around the table as Kim wails. Sam belches twice very loudly; this causes Kim to stop her mewling,look up, and marvel, "Dayum!" Sam clamps a hand over his mouth and bolts from the table. Dad gripes, "A perfectly good piece of veal wasted." Mom chimes in, "I'm telling you, I think he has a parasite." The phone rings and Mom gets up to answer it. Lindsay overhears Mom's side of the conversation and figures out that she's talking to Grace Kelly. Dad tells Kim that she looks familiar and asks whether her family shops at his store. Kim says her mother hates going there "because it's so overpriced." She announces that the same items are much cheaper at Sports Mart, to which Dad replies, "You don't say." Mom asks to see Lindsay in the kitchen and confronts her with the information she got from Kim's mother. Lindsay explains it away by saying that Kim got in an argument with her parents and that her mother is just upset. Mom adds that she's upset, too, and opines that Kim isn't a "very positive influence." Lindsay begs her mother to be understanding because "Kim comes from a broken home; her parents are deranged. Not everybody's family is like ours." Mom concedes the point, and Kim comes in to thank her for the dinner and compliment their house. Kim asks if she can "hang out" there for a while because her house is "a nightmare." Mom graciously tells her to make herself at home.
Mom, Dad, Lindsay, and Kim are seated in front of the big ole console television set, eating ice cream and watching Barney Miller. Kim declares that she hates "cop shows" because "cops are such pigs." She recounts an incident in which brother was set up and beaten by police with their billy clubs. Mom inquires about what her brother was doing. Kim says that he was drunk and just minding his own business. The upshot is that her brother just sleeps on the couch all day, and Kim thinks he's brain damaged because he "never parties anymore." The Weirs digest that little piece of information for a moment, and then the doorbell rings. Lindsay answers the door to find Nick there; he tells her that Daniel is waiting for Kim out in his car. When Kim sees Nick, she groans, and he yells, "Thanks for almost running me over back there!" Kim tells Nick that she never wants to see Daniel again. Nick says that Daniel will just come in if Kim won't go out to see him. Dad suggests that she "talk to the boy, outside." Mom thinks that Kim should just tell him how she feels. Kim rants that she's never going to talk to him again and they can all just "bite [her]." Having said that, she marches out of the living room and down the hall. Dad says, "If she's planning on staying over, she can just forget about it."
Kim waltzes into Sam's room, where he's doing homework. She bawls him out for scaring her, and runs to the window to look out at Daniel. Sam demands that she get out of his room because of "all she did to [him]." She asks what she did to him, and he reminds her about finding "geek" written on his locker door. Kim clarifies that Karen was the one who wrote it, and that Karen is no longer her friend. Furthermore, Kim states that she's going to break Karen's arms, pull out her teeth with a wrench, and set her hair on fire. Whoa, those grease fire flames will be visible on the other side of town. Sam tells her not to hurt Karen too badly.
Lindsay looks through the house for Kim. Nick catches up with her and asks, "How's it going?" She repeats, "How's it going? It's going bad!" Nick tells her not to worry, because "those guys will make up." Lindsay is doubtful, and Nick says that she should calm down. She tells him that the night has been "really intense." He says that she seems "really tense" and tries to give her a shoulder massage. Lindsay stands there looking even more tense while Nick exercises his magic fingers.
Mom is in the kitchen washing dishes when Daniel walks in through the back door, eliciting a little scream from Mom. Daniel explains, "Lady, I'm not gonna hurt you, I'm just looking for my girlfriend." Lindsay hears Daniel and runs to the kitchen, away from Nick, who's hot on her heels. Dad comes into the kitchen and asks, "Lindsay, who's this punk?" Lindsay describes Daniel as a friend from school. To Daniel, Dad says, "Geez, kid, didn't you ever hear of a doorbell? People do have heart attacks, you know." Daniel responds, "Sorry, Pops." He asks Lindsay where Kim is. As soon as Lindsay says, "She doesn't want to see you," Kim appears and says, "That's right." So much for not wanting to see him. They begin yelling, and Daniel tells her not to be a bitch. Kim freaks when she hears that word, and they start pushing each other. Daniel maintains his innocence while Kim slaps him repeatedly on the face. After more slaps from Kim and more declarations from Daniel, Lindsay ushers her parents and Nick out of the room.
In the dining room, Dad demands to know who "these people" are. Lindsay takes the opportunity to introduce Nick. He shakes the Weirs' hands and tells them what a pleasure it is to meet them and that "Lindsay turned out great. So great. Congratulations." He asks whether they mind if he has a fruit roll-up, which he pilfered from the kitchen. Mom tells him to go ahead and enjoy it. They hear laughing coming from the kitchen; Mom thinks that Kim and Daniel have made up. Lindsay cautions her against going into the kitchen, but Mom demands to see the "happy ending." When she throws open the doors, they see Daniel pinning Kim to the countertop. Mom says, "Oh, my," and closes the doors again. Nick tells Dad that he likes his store and mentions a basketball he bought a few years ago, which still works. Dad just says, "Good." Nick pulls several fruit roll-ups from his pockets and asks if he may have them. Mom tells him to go ahead. Kim and Daniel come out of the kitchen, arm in arm. She thanks them for dinner "and everything." Lindsay wishes her good luck with her parents, and Kim asks whether she may leave her car there for the night. She promises to pick it up the day and suggests that they all have dinner together again. Lindsay closes the door and tells her parents that she has "a ton of homework to do." She kisses them goodnight and goes to her room. Dad sighs, "This isn't good." Mom agrees.
Sam is walking down the stairs at school when he runs into Neal. They have an awkward moment then walk off together. Mr. Kowchevski spots Sam and asks for the essay. Sam hands it over and Kowchevski decides to post it on Sam's locker door for everyone to read about his "little mistake." As they approach the locker, they see that "slut" is written in big white letters on the locker to Sam's. Kowchevski whines that if the students "want to live in trash, then [he] gives up." Karen comes down the hall from the other direction, sees her locker, and then spots Sam. She storms up to him to ask whether he is responsible. Before he can squeak out a response, Kim comes around the corner and claims responsibility. Karen bleats that Daniel "hit on" her first. Kim calls her a slut and announces that she is going to hit on her after school. Karen turns around and bolts through the door. Sam thanks Kim and says, "That was really cool." Kim says, "No problem, geek." Sam grins as Kim saunters off.
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