Another week, another confession from Uncle Bob: I'm having the worst time telling these guys apart. I mean, some of the guys look somewhat unique -- like Grant, for instance, who looks like a Q-Tip with glasses. But the rest of them all look like acne-scarred marines to me. So if I get a name wrong or am reduced to saying "Someone says 'Blah, blah, blah,'" then cut me some slack. You have no idea how hard it is for me to recap a show where women make up about 0.1% of the cast. If I wanted to spend thirty minutes looking at a bunch of frat boys and frat boy wannabes, I'd go down to my gym and hide behind a weight machine and stroke myself like that creepy guy who always watches me in the locker room does.
We kick off the début episode with some wise young sage uttering the line, "Fraternity life is a mystery." Immediately, these crazy bastards at MTV are trying to get me to spew my Diet A&W all over my television. Okay. I'll bite. Why is fraternity life a mystery, MTV? Because young men learn all the facts about them in high school and when they finally get to college, they still want to be involved with them? Is that the big mystery, MTV? Huh?! Talk to me, MTV. I will not be ignored, Mr. Music Television.
Sorry. I'm a bit on edge today. My apologies. It's just that I don't particularly care for cable networks that produce shows that are an insult to my intelligence unless they include the words The Anna Nicole Show somewhere in the title. (What can I say? I'm a huge Bobby Trendy mark.) And MTV has overstepped its boundaries by producing a reality show about a bunch of frat boys that has me jabbing my eyes with my thumbs.
We get a bunch of scenes from various parties the guys have thrown, including one party where a guy was dressed like a giant dildo. My bad -- that's no party scene, that's a close-up of Brad the Bleeding Anal Wart. I'm not the best at conveying my emotions, so I'll just blurt it out: I'm not a big fan of Brad. "We're an Animal House-type of atmosphere, but we still have our shit together," says Brad. He's right. Every time I see someone lob a sofa out of a second-story window onto the ground for kicks, I think "You know, that is truly a young man who most definitely has his shit together." Somebody remarks that being a fraternity brother means loyalty, honesty, and trying to cultivate brotherhood. They keep talking about brotherhood like it's a carrot patch and they're always out there, shooing rabbits away and cultivating the shit. Basically, we're being fed the same typical horseshit that verbally stabs you in the face every time you step into a frat house during pledge week. George says that being in a frat is the best feeling in the world! Gosh golly darn, why, I'll just bet that son of a gun is right! I can't think of anything better than being in a frat! It's better than puppies in spring, hot oatmeal on a frosty winter's morn, and goin' fishin' with Pa down at the watering hole! Why, it's even better than a date with a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model! Yes sir, being in a fraternity rules! Seriously, these are some wildly misguided lame fucks we've got on our hands. "Being in a frat is the best feeling in the world." Sheeee-it. You've obviously never had a high-heeled shoe shoved up your ass while you humped a Vietnamese massage therapist in a musty and dimly lit storage room, you fucking simpleton.
The theme song to the show comes on, and it's the smash MTV hit called "Addicted To You" by Simple Plan. I dig it because it's a jaunty little punk number that makes me snap my fingers and gently shake my head to the groovy beat. I'm hep with the kids, you betcha. Uh huh. So anyway, we come back to the show and see Colin, George, and Brad hanging around the campus university center, handing out flyers to potential rushees. Colin the President says he's been at the University of Buffalo for four years, while his ears have been here six. My God, this guy's got quite a pair of oral sex handles on him. He says it was a pretty successful day handing out the flyers, except for the fact that the winds picked up a couple of times, which kept blowing his big ears around his head, spinning him around like a top while he was trying to recruit potential candidates. After all, it's pretty tough to be taken seriously when the wind is whipping your ass around in circles. George says that Rush Week gives guys a chance to come out and meet the brothers, and if the brothers end up liking the guys, they make the offer to let them hang out, throw kegs out the windows, and drunkenly fondle sorority girls.
The first rush event is taking place as groups of guys show up at the house to enjoy some delicious Domino's Pizza and Pepsi products. Gosh, wouldn't you know it? Now I'm hungry for some delicious Domino's Pizza and Pepsi products. That darned subliminal seduction! I am officially its bitch! So we meet Mike, who seems like a nice enough guy. He's a rushee, and he opened up to some of the brothers, and that's a big plus. Maybe that's where I went wrong when I rushed; I just drank all the frat guys' beer and hit on their girlfriends. Hell, I didn't know we were actually supposed to talk to these fucknuts, too. Brad the Bitch Boy is talking to Grant outside, and asks him what his major is. Grant says "Biopsych." Brad, ever the diplomat, sneers and asks, "What the hell is that?" Then we see Brad in his confessional, saying that he thought Grant was cocky and conceited when he came to the house, and that Brad doesn't like that in a pledge. I guess there's only enough room in that house for one cocky and conceited bastard, and Brad's not being kicked out any time soon. Back outside, Brad's admitting to anyone who will listen to his cocky and conceited ass that he still hasn't bought any books for class. Grant says that he might want to catch up on that since they're two weeks into the semester. Brad sneers that he still has time to drop the classes and hasn't decided if he wants to do that yet, and that's why he hasn't bought any books. Seriously, Brad needs to be in a sorority because he's a snippy little bitch. Meanwhile, George is asking a group of guys who they are, and they reply, "Sophomores!" A rushee named Paul says he really wants to be accepted and get a bid. Why do I get the strange sensation that we'll never see Paul again? Probably due to the fact that he's as memorable as a fart. Rushee Dan says that he's here to find a friend for life and isn't into this whole rush thing for much more than that. Seriously, Danny Boy: the votes are in and you are now officially a Sad and Pathetic Loser™. One of the brothers says that sixteen guys showed up for the first night of rush and that there's not going to be sixteen bids going out. Ooooo...the suspense of who gets picked and who doesn't! I wish a commercial would hurry up and come on so I can go strap on a couple of Depends and just shit myself silly over this overplayed microcosm of drama.
Back outside at the BBQ, Matt's trying desperately to get to know the brothers on hand. Somebody asks a guy named Earl why he's rushing; he says it's because it's fun, and that he hopes it gets him more involved in school, because lately he hasn't been very involved. Earl's either incredibly wasted or incredibly stupid. I'd tend to go with the latter because I just can't recall too many drug abusers out there named Earl. Adam, the Brother With The Magic Eyebrows, introduces his twin brother Alex to the cameraman, and the cameraman responds by graciously shooting some video of the moment. Apparently, Alex had pledged before and the frat gave him a bid, but he turned it down because it caused some strain between him and his girlfriend. This causes his brother Adam to roll his eyes and grin uncomfortably. You can tell that Adam is sick to death of hearing about his brother's bitch of a girlfriend. Apparently, Alex's girlfriend told him that no boyfriend of hers was ever going to be a frat boy, and then she started snapping her fingers and rotating her neck around in a circle. We're suddenly shifted back to a giddy Earl, who says that he went to high school with Alex, and that Alex's girlfriend is a bitch. Earl is giving me that SNL Drunk Girl vibe. He's just too jovial for the occasion. One of the other brothers is talking to Alex about his girlfriend, and says that everything will be cool once he joins, and that she'll see that the brothers are good people and then they can all take turns tagging her ass. Alex laughs nervously but is mentally debating poppin' the guy in the nuts and running. Earl adds that Lindsey will ruin Alex's pledge experience just like she's ruined his entire life up until this point, because Alex is whipped! Maybe it's just me, but Earl looks like he could use a little methadone in this scene. I've got to wonder because I get paid to do so: is Earl Alex's spurned lover?
The day, we see Alex as he fights with his girlfriend Lindsey over the phone. He's trying to tell her that he can't talk right now, while she's yelling and screaming and then eventually hangs up on him. This gal's a fucking peach, Al. Christ, she makes Anne Heche look stable. Alex says that the biggest problem he and his girlfriend are facing right now is the fact that he wants to become a pledge and she doesn't want him to do anything that wouldn't require her permission first. Alex and his roommate Matt are walking through the mall, and Alex is afraid that the frat won't accept him because of his clinically insane girlfriend. Matt asks what her problem is, and they both determine that it's because she will no longer be #1 in his life; a group of drunken guys who take shits in the wrong part of the toilet will be his new passion. I may have jumped the gun. After putting it in that perspective, maybe Alex is the dumb-ass here. Alex bemoans the fact that the entire world is about to see that he's a pussy-whipped little fucking bitch. You're a little late on that prediction, Nostradamus; we were clued in to that fact about ten minutes ago.
The rushees meet at a go-cart racetrack, where the rushees will be racing the brothers. Naturally, the rushees are asked to lose in order not to deflate any of the brothers' egos. Lotsa good fun and horseplay is had out on the track as the brothers crash into each other and try to cause permanent spinal damage to the rushees so that time they'll think twice before agreeing to participate in Rush Week. We meet three rushees: Steve, who loves aggressive sports and says that he's a pro snowboarder; Tim, who's lived in Buffalo his whole life and was proud of the fact that he had never in his life eaten a buffalo wing that hadn't already fallen out of his ass after some particularly unusual sexcapades first; and then there's Jarreau. Sweet, sweet Jarreau. Jarreau says that he is well rounded in the arts, which roughly translated means that he's constantly fighting the compulsion to break out into a heartfelt medley of Liza Minnelli tunes at any given moment if you get my drift.
The event takes all the guys to the nearest Hooters, where Grant wastes little time in chatting up the waitresses and trying to score phone numbers to impress the frat boys. Brother Jimmy says that from what he could figure out, Grant was only pledging the fraternity so he could get on TV, and not to be in the fraternity. Well no shit, Jimmy. I doubt seriously that any of the guys rushing this semester want to join simply because of your brothers' impeccable housekeeping skills, you shitwitted dullard. George says that he plans on busting Grant's balls during the interview process, while that whoremonger Brad says that Grant totally disrespected the brothers when he started paying more attention to the Hooters waitresses than to them. Snippy much, Brad? Brad's got that whiny tone that just screams that he's into mucophagy. You know -- the act of orally sucking the mucus out of your partner's nose during orgasm to enhance the experience for both partners. Hey, chips and dip, anyone?
While Grant's busy laying the horn down on the Hooties (like you, I have no idea what that means), Adam is sharing a story that had happened a few days earlier. Apparently, Adam and his "very recent" ex-girlfriend Kerri ran into Grant out in public. After the breakup, Grant told Adam that he might make a move on Kerri. Adam apparently asked Grant not to do that, because his little heart couldn't take the pain, and Grant agreed that on this particular occasion, he'd keep Mr. Softy locked up in his pants. Naturally, we then see Grant and Kerri jetskiing around a lake with fellow rushee Tim in tow. Grant says he figured since they were both finished with classes for the day and since the weather was nice, why not ask Kerri to head to the lake? Never mind the fact that you've been specifically asked not to by a guy you're desperately trying to impress. From the looks of it, there's nothing even remotely resembling attraction going on between Grant and Kerri. Adam gets word of this; he corners Tim in an auditorium on campus to tell Tim his side of the story, and how he told Grant to stay away from Kerri. Tim -- desperately trying to stay in the good graces of his potential frat brother -- says, "If I had known..." in an effort to convey to Adam that had he known Grant had been told he was to stay away from Kerri, Tim would have decapitated Grant with a stray boat oar while they were out at the lake and then dumped his body in the middle of the lake because dammit, that's how much Tim loves these guys already! Go Sigma Chi Omega, go! Meanwhile, Adam is sizing Tim up to see if Tim has what it takes to kill everyone that happens to make it on Adam's shitlist. Adam likes what he sees and pinches Tim on the ass. Tim is taken aback and reiterates that he would never have done such a thing like go out with a brother's girlfriend. We get it, Tim. You're an ass-kisser. Wipe the poop off your tongue and get to class, you sniveling little pissant.
Upstairs in one of the buildings, Grant and Jake are rolling up balls of paper and throwing them at the floors below, bonding over their shared love of asinine pranks that could legitimately take an eye out. No wonder Jake the Lithping Jock is ga-ga over the guy. Jake's concerned that there's a possibility that Adam doesn't like Grant because Grant tried to set the groundwork for tappin' his ex-girlfriend's ass. Meanwhile, Brad hasn't had anything snotty to say in the last three minutes, so he chimes in and says that there's no way he's giving Grant a bid to his fraternity. You know what I...wait a second. I just got a CNN Breaking News email. Hang on. Ohmigod. It appears...wait, no, it's now been confirmed by scientists that Brad is a big mole-infested flaccid penis. I've got news for Brad. He needs to loosen up and let Grant into his fraternity, because Grant can get the chicks and may be what it takes to actually get a better crop of women to come to their weekly toga parties. Then again, the fewer girls there are in the house, the better for ol' Bradley the Butt Pirate, know what I mean?
The night before the final rush, Jake's still piththed off that none of thethe bathtards like hith friend Gwant. He's talking about Grant with Steve L., who seems to be the only other one tooting Grant's horn around the place. Jake says that Grant thtill hath a lot to prove, but Jake is thtaying on hith thide, and that the other brotherth need to try to get to know Grant before they thtart ruining his chanceth. Steve L. wipes the errant spittle from his cheeks and agrees with Captain Thuper Lithper. Steve asks him if he wants to play darts, and Jake admits that he's too livid to play dartth. Call it a hunch, but I think Jake is a bit high-thtrung.
Alex and Grant go to a local miniature golf course to get high in the big windmill, and decide to play a round of golf while they're there. The girl at the golf shop asks what type of balls they'd like, and Alex points to Grant and says, "He wants blue balls." Nobody sees the humor in the phrase except Alex and myself. While putting, Alex asks Grant if he's concerned. Grant says, "About this shot?" Alex says, "No, about the bid." Grant shrugs it off. Alex asks what's going to happen if Grant doesn't get the bid. Grant says it's no big deal; he'll just try again semester. And maybe hang out around the Sorority Life house in a desperate attempt to cash in on those final few minutes of his fame.
Steve L. says that interviews are the part of Rush Week when people can crash and burn if they mess up. These guys are practically sadistic about the interview process. I think they think that the interviews are a lot more intimidating than they really are. Sure, it's intimidating to be in a dark room with about thirty drunken assholes who don't want you there. But add a series of hastily planned questions, and you've got some massive intimidation techniques going down. Ten of the 16-18 guys will get bids. The rest will be sent back to their dorm rooms, empty shells of who they were just five days earlier. It's a grueling, sometimes backbreaking ritual, but the important thing is...well, there is no important thing. This is Fraternity Life, remember? The only important thing to remember while watching this show is not to leave the joint burning in the ashtray after you've watched it.
All of the brothers have assembled in the interrogation room as George goes over the rules. This interview process will take between three and four hours, and no one can leave during the process. Yes, daddy. It's going to be intimidating to each of the rushees, and they're all going to be nervous, which George admits is "kind of funny." Sort of like tazering an elderly woman just to watch her dance. All the rushees are gathered in a big room, and they're all very nervous. They understand that all it takes is three "No" votes from the brothers and they're not going to be in the frat. Jarreau says that he's very nervous and can only guess as to what questions they'll be asking him. Oh, go for it, Jarreau. Belt out a couple of bars of "New York, New York" and loosen the hell up. It's not like these guys have never heard a show tune before. We then get a quick recap of all the other rushees, none of whom has subplots like Alex or Grant, so their significance in this recap is minimal at best.
Inside the Dark and Deadly Interview room, disembodied voices berate each young rushee, making him uncomfortable and forcing each of them to squint into a spotlight, which could almost be construed as acting but not quite. The first question is, "What does the word 'brother' mean to you?" Tim -- the guy who would have killed Grant to ensure his position in the bidding war -- says that a brother is someone who's always there for you no matter what. Yeah, he talks the talk, all right. But most "brothers" will haul ass in the opposite direction if you're ever caught with a murder weapon in your possession. Steve says that brotherhood is the camaraderie that forms when you bond with other people. Oh great-- this guy's a walking, talking dictionary. Here's a suggestion, Stevie: let's move away from the actual literal definition of the word and focus on what it means to you. Paul says that brothers stick together through thick and thin. Uh huh. Thank you, Paul -- and by the way, I hate to break it to you, but you won't be getting a bid because I don't know who the hell you are, dude.
The question is a tough one. If you were stuck on a deserted island, what three things would you want with you? Ron M. says that he'd want a radio, Britney Spears, and some soap. Ah ha ha, Ron M. Guess what? No frat soup for you! Come back in one semester! Earl -- the happy-go-lucky fucktard from earlier -- is asked the same question, and says that he'd want Elizabeth Shue from Palmetto, a jetski, and a gun. He wants the gun in case Elizabeth were to get out of line and start being annoying. Awesome! Way to advocate the murder of Hollywood starlets while the TV cameras are rolling, Herr Einstein! is Mike, who says he'd want a monkey, some food, and a couple of cases of liquor. Mike looks like a beefier version of funnyman Jake Johannsen. I just figured that out, and I must say, it's been bothering me for several hours trying to figure out whom he looked like. I'll admit, though, it's pretty anti-climactic when the name Jake Johannsen spills out of the part of your brain that stores the mental images of quasi-celebrities. Anyway, somebody asks Mike why he'd bring a monkey on the island, and he says it's because he'd probably end up getting bored -- plus he's always wanted a monkey. I'm sorry. Wasn't that a line from Forrest Gump?
It's Jarreau's turn, and one of the guys doesn't even bother tiptoeing around the subject. "Where the hell's your girlfriend, Prag?" he barks at Jarreau. Jarreau -- who's obviously whacked out from raiding his Mom's bottle of Percodan -- says that he doesn't have a girlfriend, because he enjoys being single. It's obvious that Jarreau's used that line before, because it just rolls off his hot, throbbing tongue. Alex is sweating it out as he awaits his turn. Naturally, he doesn't want to have to answer questions about his girlfriend during the interview because it's already well established that she's got crushed crackers for brains. Then again, his relationship with his girlfriend is what half this episode's plot is based on, so he'd better buck up, because he's about to feel the wrath of the brotherhood. He gets in the interview chair, and the first question is (of course), "Define the word 'brotherhood.'" Alex says, "One word: loyalty." Adam then decides to be the one to grill his own brother. "If you were to get a bid," Adam says, "how would having that skank ho of a girlfriend of yours affect the pledge process and your becoming one with the brotherhood?" Alex says he wouldn't allow it. If Lindsey gets up in his face one more time over this frat crap, she's ice. He's not letting her run his life anymore. Adam asks, "Would you not pledge because your girlfriend didn't want you to?" All right, way too many negatives in that sentence. I'm getting a brain freeze trying to comprehend the question. Alex feels the same way and just sternly says, "No," without really understanding what his brother's talking about. Adam shares a glance with Colin as if to say, "See? My brother's got his shit together about his girlfriend now. Let's bring him on board!" Colin sends him a pained look back that says "Christ are my big-assed ears ever bothering me today!"
Before Alex can skate out of the room unscathed, another guy speaks up and asks why he didn't accept the bid the first time they offered it to him. Now, everyone in the room knows the answer to this question: Alex has already proven that he will bore anyone to tears who dares to ask a question about why he's so whipped by his girlfriend. He says that he was nervous the last time, and that his girlfriend had nothing to do with his turning down the bid; he then quickly adds, "Well...she had some part in it." Meanwhile, the guys are all making "Whoooosh-TEE!" whip cracking sounds and giggling in the dark. After Alex is excused, one of the brothers brings up the fact that Alex had already told him that he didn't accept the bid last time strictly because his girlfriend was afraid that if he joined a frat he would no longer have time for her. So which is it, Al? Which story is the truth?!
Finally, we get Grant in the chair. Grant's visibly nervous, but says he's not. He tries to be a lot cooler than he actually is. Kinda like me. Anyway, Grant admits that he's getting a bad vibe from some of the other brothers, specifically Adam. Well damn, Grant -- time, you might wanna try listening to the guy when he says, "Please don't take my ex-girlfriend out and give her a super-sized tallywhacking. I'm not exactly over her yet." So Grant's asked the definition of "brotherhood," and he says it means camaraderie and friendship as well as trust and loyalty. At that point, the vultures descend and begin ripping his carcass apart with their claws and sharp-assed vulture teeth. The Amazing Talking Turd Brad asks, "If a brother asked you not to hang out with a girl that was his ex-girlfriend, would you do it anyway?" Grant, visibly shaken, says that it depends on the situation. He wouldn't date her, but if they were already friends and it upset her that her ex-boyfriend was trying to dictate who could and couldn't be her friend, he certainly wouldn't want to hurt that friendship. EHHH! Time's up, Grant. The correct answer was "I will never speak to another woman on the face of the planet ever again in order to increase my brothers' chances of finally scoring a piece of ass on their own for a freakin' change, thus inflating their tiny egos for a brief moment in time." We're so sorry you lost, Grant, but you do receive a year's supply of "Maybe semester!"s. Thanks for playing "Who Wants To Be A Frat Boy?"
Outside in the hallway, Adam tells Grant that he did not care for Grant's interpretation of the phrase "Do you mind never talking to my ex-girlfriend ever again?" Grant's all shocked and says that if he had known that Adam meant "Never talk to my ex-girlfriend again" when he said "Never talk to my ex-girlfriend again," things would have turned out differently. He swears he'll never ever look at the poor girl again, and Adam tells him that he'll have to realize that for himself. The door to the interview room is opened and Adam freaks out and runs back inside, leaving Grant feeling like a dumb-ass in the hallway.