Hey, how ya doin'? I'm Uncle Bob and I have a confession to make: I was never in a fraternity.
It's been a little while since I left that hell that some refer to as "college," but I still remember my very first week of college and spending each night stumbling from frat house to frat house, drinking paper cups full of beer (even though I was three years away from reaching the legal drinking age) and being utterly amazed at the ratio of irresponsible assholes to normal cool guys. I was there for free beer. I didn't come because I wanted a lecture on the history of the organization and the meaning behind every single item hanging on the walls. Just keep that beer coming, Biff, and spare me the legacy of the plaque on the wall. So I stumbled away from my fraternity "experience" with the knowledge that I didn't want any part of it. If I wanted to be bored shitless by a bunch of stuffy assholes, I'd force myself to go to class.
Flash forward a few decades, and now I've been asked to watch a television show that celebrates fraternity life -- a show called Fraternity Life -- and contribute my two cents on the show. My two cents? The assholes that I met all those years ago were saints compared to these frat boys and sorority girls. That said, let the hate mail begin.
This MTV special -- which promises to give us some insight as to why someone at the company thought it might be entertaining to watch a show full of flaming asstards -- kicks off with our hosts, Candace and Becca. Those of you who followed the first season of Sorority Life will remember the two as the level-headed pledge and the evil bitchmeister of the sorority, respectively. The only difference between then and now is that Becca's lost about thirty pounds, while Candace's hips and gut have obviously found them. Candace's belly ring looks like it's about to pop out from the pressure she's putting on it. They're there to introduce us to the new casts of the shows Sorority Life and Fraternity Life and read some inane dialogue off cue cards to make them look natural in their conversation with each other. Candace says, "We're going to introduce you to the cast of...what's it called again, Becca?" Becca rolls her eyes and says, "Come on Candace, you know that our show was so popular that MTV thought it'd be smart to follow around a fraternity, too." I haven't seen acting this stiff since George Bush came on TV and said he grieved for the fallen astronauts of the space shuttle Columbia when George Bush doesn't even know what the words "space shuttle" mean. Candace can't understand how watching a house full of fraternity boys could possibly be more entertaining that watching a house full of sorority girls. Let the HoYay! begin! Pipe down Candace. Your strap-on is showing. Becca says that MTV has sent camera crews to the University of Buffalo and have been following the girls of the Delta Xi Omega sorority and the guys of the Sigma Chi Omega fraternity around because it sure beats the shit out of hanging out with P.Diddy for six weeks. After all, to an MTV cameraman, the risks of being in line of projectile vomiting far outweigh the risks of being shot by a rival rapper. The girls decide to grace the viewing audience at home with a sneak peek at the gals and guys who will be appearing in both shows. Blood begins seeping from Candace's belly ring as she explains all this.
We are then treated to footage of young men trying to tip over a car. This is excusable behavior when involved in a riot after a local sports team has won the Super Bowl. But these punks are doing it in broad daylight. Keep in mind, a fraternity is there to groom these guys for a lucrative profession in the future, and they think it's perfectly normal to tip over a car. We also see them playfully lobbing soapy sponges at 90 mph toward each other during a car wash, and drinking. Lots of drinking. And by "drinking," I mean "drinking alcohol." I ain't talking Kool-Aid, kids. But don't drink and drive, blah blah blah responsiblecakes. We also get footage of these guys throwing shit out their windows. Kegs, ceiling plaster, furniture...they're just lobbing large objects out the window for kicks. They're all very community-oriented, and remind us over and over that they'll do anything they can for their community. But c'mon...it's not like there's a battered women's shelter out there that could actually use any of this furniture they're tossing out the window, right?
There's a belching montage, which makes me sigh lovingly, because nothing says "MTV Original Series" like a belching montage. Meanwhile, the sorority girls go to a strip club (make your Mom proud, Buffy!) and we see them all in a hot tub. To a heterosexual male like myself, the phrase "Sorority Girls in a Hot Tub" has a special meaning to it -- that meaning being "Find some hand lotion and Kleenex, STAT!" But after seeing these gals close-up, I think I'd rather sneak a peek at my Mom and her senior citizen pinochle partners taking a hot, soapy shower together than ever force my retinas to gaze at these uppitty bitches in a hot tub ever again. They also have some girl bitching that she waited a half hour before anyone said anything to her. Which is truly a shame because it would have only taken me ten seconds to say "Who in God's name taught you how to pluck your eyebrows and would you feel the least bit uncomfortable suing him?"
Back to Candace and Becca. Candace says that she thinks some of those fraternity guys are cute. Becky's eyes fall to Candace's newly acquired gut, and she snickers. Seriously, Candace now looks like Chris Farley with a bad perm. She wants to "meet" the guys now, and Becca puts a halt to her steamrolling libido by saying they're going to meet the ladies first. Candace acts disappointed, but I see her boobie nubs sprouting. She's a bull dyke in drag, I'm tellin' ya. So it's time to meet the ladies of the second season of Sorority Life. First we meet Talia the President, Colleen the Rush Chair, and Amy the Vice-President. Then there's Stacey, who refers to herself as the Pledge Marshal, but her placard reads "Pledge Mom." Then there's Bridgette, who apparently has nothing to do with the sorority because she had no title. I guess the producers pulled her in off the street when they realized they had to have at least one person who could exude some sexuality, since the rest of the gals look like rabid mongrels. Courtney introduces herself as the house lesbian (well...she didn't really, but my gaydar was threatening to bust the meter when her face graced my screen), there's Nikki the scary one, Lauren the wallflower, Lafonya the sista, and Tiffany the plain one with the droopy eyelid (at least it drooped when she was on pause on my VCR; get that thang fixed pronto, girlfriend, if you ever wanna land a man who won't be calling you "Popeye" night and day).
Stacey says that they hold all their meetings in the attic, where it's really hot, and people are getting all irritated because it's so damned hot up there. Then they all start fighting, which apparently makes for good drama these days, but Uncle Bob ain't buying it. Schedule a trip to Wal-Mart where you can all purchase personal fans and make fun of people with less money than your parents have while you're there if it's such a fucking problem. Talia says they do their share of partying, and we see the girls all getting in the hot tub again. I'm sorry. I'm a big fat guy, and there are women in that hot tub who could kick my ass day in day out and twice on Sunday. Then we get to see some of the gals getting piercings. One girl's getting her belly button pierced, while another is getting her nose pierced. I never thought in my wildest dreams I'd be reporting on a sorority girl getting her nose pierced. I'm old school. In my day, when someone said she liked to party, that usually meant getting high off some weed from Hawaii and sticking champagne bottles up her ass. Not piercing her nose. We get some footage of the girls in a club where they're dancing like the cast of The Golden Girls on acid. Afterward, one of the girls gets a ticket from a cop for a couple hundred bucks. I'm guessing she broke the town's leash law 'cause damn, this girl's a dog. Then we see the girls playing softball, or at least trying to. Corey Feldman is a better softball player than these gals. (That's a joke some of you will get and most of you will not.)
We are then treated to the reasons Talia the President became a Greek. She says it's because of the friendships Greeks make and the activities they participate in. I'm sure I'll be banging this cowbell several times before the thirteen weeks are up, but isn't it fair to say that there are some people on this earth who can make friends without joining a sorority or fraternity? I mean, it's quite a revolutionary concept. But I went to college. I didn't join a fraternity. And I made several dozen friends. And here's the amazing thing: I didn't have to pay dues to hold on to those friends either. That's right; all I had to do was hold their heads steady while they projectile-vomited, and we were tighter than a gerbil's ass. Ready for another earth-shattering revelation? As an adult, I've actually made friends with people who were in fraternities and sororities in college. That's right! Once those four years of college are over, the Greeks have to hit the streets running just like everyone else, except they think that in order to befriend you, they're going to have to cough up some duckies first. Which is cool in a way. I've got a friend who used to be in a fraternity in college who bought me a big-screen TV just so I'd invite him out for drinks every now and then. So for those of you who are still in high school and are looking forward to going to college one day, let me ask you this: do you want to take thousands of dollars and put them toward an organization that will assign you your friends for the four years and then at the end of those four years thank you for your cash and send you off into the real world? Or do you wanna take thousands of dollars and spend it on some primo weed and laugh your ass off at the dorks who have to pay for their "brothers" and "sisters"?
You can have this soapbox back. I'm finished with it for the week.
Talia says that when you join a sorority, you make friends for life. Talia's twenty years old. I hate to be the one to burst the chirpy little cheerleader's bubble, but she doesn't know shit about life just yet. Here's a suggestion, Talia: get knocked up by some thirty-five-year-old drummer from an '80s cover band that plays in some frat house one night and see how many friends you have after that. Then drop out of college a year early to raise your new fatherless child. Oh yeah, the support you'll get -- hoo boy. I bet you'll be queen of the prom after that. Yep, you betcha.
We see the girls doing charity work, which consists of fixing dinner plates for invalids or some shit. They're in the parking lot of a shopping center and are slopping cole slaw in styrofoam containers, and dammit, they feel good about themselves. They're making a difference in their community with this cole slaw and nobody can tell them different! So I won't even try. Stacey the sea cow says that the charter was first started in 1988. She adds that the sorority is looking for "down-to-earth" people. Except when she says "down-to-earth," that wacky MTV editing has about ten of them all saying "down-to-earth" individually so that it's one big long "down-to-earth, down-to-earth, down-to-earth, down-to-earth" moment. I snorted anyway. And technically, Stacey may be telling the truth here, because these gals aren't your typical sorority girls. Most of the time, sorority girls are worth spending the night with. Talia says that while most of the girls probably want a larger pledge class, it's quality over quantity to her. She's not exactly sure what that means, but she heard Carson Daly say it on TRL one time and he's just dreamy.
We then get to the house as Talia and Colleen are waiting to take us on a tour of the home. They say that we, the viewing audience, "think [we] know, but [we] have no idea". Seriously...what in the fuck does that mean? Is that some new phrase in a hip-hop song that I'm not aware of? Because it really seems to crack these two up. Here gals, I'll tell you what I "think I know": I think we're about to see a bunch of girls walking around the house and pointing out shit in their fridge. Am I right? Stacey picks up a wooden cigar-store Indian and says his name's Woody and that's who she was named after. Uh huh. For Stacey's sake, I have to ask: please, people do not point out to Stacey that her name isn't Woody. I think it'd crush her poor little heart if those bulky-assed neon sweaters of hers don't do it first. Colleen laughs and says there's going to be some ass-kicking going on in this house, but thanks to the quirky MTV editors, I have no idea what she's talking about. Come to think of it, we're about ten minutes into this show and I still don't have a clue as to what any of them is talking about. We get a side shot of Talia and I've got to admit, her plastic surgeon did wonders with her fake boob sacs. They almost look real. Oh cool -- we get to see the bathroom. One bathroom for five girls who live in the house plus the entire sorority when the rest of the sisters stop by. Colleen says this isn't a good idea, like she's channeling Bob Vila all of a sudden. Can I just say that their bathtub could seriously use a new caulk job? There's more bacteria floating around that thing than in Christina Aguliera's panties.
Back to Candace and Becca. Candace notes that those girls rock, while Becca says they'll be fun to watch. Keep in mind, Becca was compensated for saying something so stupid. Candace is dying to see the men from Fraternity Life now. Becca says not yet; they have to have some commercials first. Candace is so frustrated that her hips bulge in protest. After about seventeen minutes of commercials, we're back to Candace and Becca, who introduce the guys of Fraternity Life. In case you were wondering, Fraternity Life is the show I'll be recapping. Stee will be recapping Sorority Life. When I asked Stee how he wanted to handle this special -- as in, which one of us would recap it, since it covers the casts of both our shows -- he said I could have it. Do me a favor: remind me to punch that bastard's lights out the time I see him.
We see Colin the President, Aric the vice president, Adam the secretary, Chris -- who most of the guys call "Potter" because he's either the drug dealer of the frat or he's into that Harry Potter shit -- Jake, Aaron, Lindo, Brad, Chang, Mike, Mags, Jimmy, George the House Manager, Brian the pledgemaster, and Toad the Wet Sprocket. They describe themselves as very active in the community because they like to play soccer and lacrosse. They pull pranks on each other a lot and have a goshawful lot of fun. Brad tells a hilarious story about how some of his brothers fell asleep a bit early, so he sprinkled baby powder on them while they slept. This cat is a madman! The day he loosens the top on the salt shaker is the day they declare him King Pranky Prank Guy! Naturally, such an act would demand instant retribution, so we hear Mags and Jake's plan to capture a skunk and a pig and lock them in Brad's room! Oh nooooo! Gah, these guys are taking the prank thing way out of hand! The funniest thing about their revenge is not the fact that every personal item of Brad's will need to be burned, but the fact that Jake lisps like Cindy Brady. Dude. Speech therapy. It's hard to take a bad-ass seriously when his tongue's hanging out the side of his mouth like Daffy Duck as he's threatening to kick your "thtupid ath"! Brad understands that retaliation can come at any time, because last year they hogtied him on the couch. Now, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but if my "brothers" hogtied me on the couch I would not only never sprinkle baby powder on people while they slept, but I would slap a lawsuit on their asses so quick they'd break their necks trying to see it.
We are then treated to footage of the boys playing football, arm-wrestling, and smashing a car to "show UB spirit." In this case, "UB" stands for "University of Buffalo" and not "Uncle Bob." I don't want anyone thinking that I advocate smashing cars with sledgehammers to show your enthusiasm for what I do here. We see footage of a toga party where gals are doing shooters out of guys' pants and couples are sucking each other's tonsils. Some guy is smashing what looks to be a desk with a baseball bat while one of the guys says that they hand out an "Ass Clown" award at the end of each weekly meeting to the stupidest guy in the fraternity. They show some guy trying to breakdance on a piece of cardboard. It looks like somebody dumped Christopher Reeve out of his wheelchair and attached a rabid ferret to his testicles. Apparently, George wins the Ass Clown award quite frequently, and one of the dorkier-looking guys says that George should win every week. I'm keeping my eye on George. I sure as hell hope he does funnier shit that pour baby powder on sleeping brothers or this show's going in the toilet faster than duck shit.
Adam says he has a bond with his brothers that is unbreakable, and adds that his hallucinations are finally starting to subside. These guys started their fraternity in 1999. Thirty of them got together and decided to crank up a fraternity because, as we all know, a college campus can never have too many arrogant assholes strutting around the place. We're reminded once again that charity work is a big part of the Greek life, and that they enjoy giving back to their community and helping others and exactly the same crap the sorority sisters said earlier. We see the guys handing out bottled water to help fight breast cancer. Which makes about as much sense as handing out condoms to fight incest. They also went on a food drive and gave all the proceeds that they didn't want for themselves to a community center. I can't speak for everyone, but it brought a tear of pride to my eye, it did.
We then get a tour of the house. Seriously...it's enough to make a grown man retch. Their stove top is coated in filth. The refrigerator has plenty of condiments and chicken blood in it, but that's it. The trash is overflowing into piles on the floor. All these guys in the house and none of them can take the trash out. It's so endearing to watch. The freezer has some kind of rotting fish smell to it. Piles of dirty clothes litter each of the bedrooms. There's a new wall that's been built to replace an old wall that fell victim to "several different weapons." They point out a plaque on the wall for the guys with the highest GPAs...and the plaque is blank. Somewhere, the parents of these assholes are beaming with pride. We then see the bathroom where Chris likes to defecate into the reservoir tank on the back of the toilet rather than the actual toilet. One guy says it really stank the place up. Chris is obviously mentally handicapped and lives as a testament to all mentally handicapped children that if you strive to reach your dreams and don't let anyone tell you "no," you too can someday grow up to take a shit however you'd like in a filthy fucking frat house.
Back to Candace and Becca. Candace says those guys are nasty and Becca says it's no wonder they do so much community work, because who in their right mind would want to stay in that house? I've got to agree with the gals for a change. I feel like I need a tetanus shot just watching this damned infomercial.
Now we get to find out how the sorority and fraternity get along. No big shock here: the girls like the guys; the guys think the girls are cute; when you put the two of them together it's a party waiting to happen. Whee. I was at my grandfather's bedside as he laid there, dying of bone cancer...and that was more of a party than what they're showing us here. The guys throw a toga party and invite all the girls. IDs are checked because even though these people are wild and out-of-control, they're responsible. Then we hear that when pledging takes place, the pranks that follow can sometimes be...well, wild and out-of-control. We see some shocking footage of...I don't know if I can even type this. The girls have broken into the guys' pledge house and are spraying shaving cream all over everything! Nothing is sacred as coffee tables, candles, and even kitchen counters have lines of shaving cream all over them. During a meeting, one of the guys receives a text message that the girls have trashed and destroyed the pledge house. The guys' faces go stony as they can only imagine the horror, the time and the effort of having to actually wipe shaving cream off a coffee table. They seriously decide that it's time for revenge against these despicable heathens. Retribution is sweet as a few of the guys take the plunge and go over to the girls' pledge house where they bombard the house with two raw eggs! I know, I know, I was just as shocked as you are having to read it! I haven't seen pranks this fucked up since Laura Ingalls shoved wads of paper in Papa's shoes on Little House On The Prairie so that when he put them on, he couldn't get his feet in the shoes. I mean...we're talking that ruthless!
Candace and Becca are convinced that it's going to be a nutty season when they've got two wild organizations such as these living near each other. They talk about Rush Week and how the new faces and pledges are just so inviting and a bunch of other boring sorority talk. It's seriously painful to listen to these two talk. They have the acting abilities of a pair of dead horses and rush through their dialogue as if they're getting paid by the word. Candace decides to share some advice with the new pledges since she was a pledge last year on Sorority Life. First, don't drink in the house if you're the designated sober sister. We see a clip from last season where Candace is supposedly drunk with the other girls. Then they get a call where Candace has to go pick someone up from a bar but she's already shitfaced. Whoops! The second rule is to keep up with all your classes. We see Candace and the husky girl from last season as the husky girl whines about failing her classes because she doesn't go to class. Mm hmm. That's our future right there, folks. Drunk and passed out on a couch while class is going on. The third rule is don't leave a sorority event early, especially when it's to go to a strip club. We see Candace and that hot chick from last season leaving some stuffy event to go watch naked people. And then they get yelled at by the older sisters who frown on such activities. After all, these girls have paid good money to have the older sisters judge their character and mold them into fine uppitty bitches, and if these girls don't appreciate that and would rather have their faces smothered by banana hammocks in a strip club, then there's absolutely no hope for them. Then the fourth rule is don't forget to catch your sister when engaged in a pledge trust activity. We're then treated to the infamous footage where the husky girl busts her ass because the girl standing behind her doesn't catch her when she falls backwards. It's the kinda shit that makes Bob Saget wince.
Candace and Becca gush over how much fun they had when Candace pledged, and then say that these new pledges won't have it as easy. We see the guys all doing push-ups in the hallway of their pledge house and the girls installing a curfew and insisting that the girls have to wear something everywhere they go, "even to the bathroom." One guy tells the others that if he calls them on the phone, they'd better be jumping and running and catering to his every whim. They all answer him "Sir, yes sir." Gee, and I thought slavery was dead. They talk about having to do interviews and getting to know the other pledges and if they don't, they're out on their asses. It's really kind of sad to watch, because these pledges are too goddamned stupid to realize they could have gone into the Marines, been treated a helluva lot better by drill sergeants who aren't even close to being the assholes that these guys are, and saved a shitload of money in the process. Then we see the girls bitching about various pledges and how they looked at them funny so that's why they don't belong in the sorority. We then see the guy with the earrings say that pledging was so worth it, and he would have gone through an even longer pledge period to be a part of this group of guys. I can't remember if this is the really retarded guy or not; all these guys look alike to me: dazed and confused. Amy the vice president sums up pledging as something you'd never want to do again ever, but you probably won't regret it. Kinda like getting oral sex from a canine.
Back to Candace and Becca. Candace is pissed because they can't meet the pledges this week; that's going to have to wait until the two individual series start on Wednesday evening. We get the typical plug shit for the show, and they finally say goodbye.
Holy shit. I just looked up the word "unbearable" in the dictionary and it said "Having to recap one of those gawdawful Greek shows on MTV for Television Without Pity." I can tell you one thing: I can't imagine ever finding myself with so very little to do that I'd actually be able to sit through thirty minutes of this bullshit without getting paid for it. I'm not sure why any of you will want to watch it either. But I'll be reapping it for the thirteen weeks. I just hope the experience doesn't leave me with a negative attitude toward life.