Previously: Mal and Saffron "teamed up" to steal a valuable laser gun prototype, and then Saffron got dumped in a number of figurative and literal ways.
We open with a sci-fi shot of the exterior of some space outpost. Firefly adds its own spin to the future of advertising and marketing, as we see gigantic monitors playing ads attached to the outside of the station. They look cool, but I don't imagine they're a particularly effective form of advertising, unless you're really desperate to reach the "ship pilot and people who just happen to be looking out a porthole" demographic.
Inside the station, it is, of course, dusty and vaguely ethnic, as are most non-Alliance-dominated facilities. Maybe the Alliance has all the janitors as well as the bellboys? We're in some sort of space bazaar, and the cameramen escort us through a crowd of eclectic people who look like they were all dressed by a computer program that still needs a little debugging. The camera finally lands on a man who's one part carnival barker, one part Art Bell, and all parts ridiculously clad. He's wearing a knee-length ratty fur coat and one of those curvy top hats guys like Alice Cooper favor. I don't know what they're called. I'm a recapper, not a haberdasher. He's also got a little skull on the back brim of the hat. At some angles, the guy looks like Tim Curry; at other angles, he looks absolutely nothing like him. Freaky. Anyway, he's trying to convince passersby to step inside his "tent" to see proof of alien life. The Alliance doesn't want you to see it! They don't want you to know about the aliens! I find it amusing that this tactic could still work, given that humans are now in the position to actually find out whether or not there are aliens out there. But I really can imagine the conspiracy continuing -- see, they're hiding in the galaxy. They're zipping over with their stargate technology to do experiments on us. And then when humans develop technology to get to that galaxy and find nothing there either, they'll be all, "No, they're in that galaxy over there. No, wait -- they live inside a black hole! That's it!"
Anyway, we cut inside the tent, where Simon and Kaylee are staring at something we can't see. Simon's mouth is hanging open. Have you all noticed what a huge mouth Sean Maher has? He could probably stick several billiard balls in there. Anyway, Simon finally says, "Yep, it's a cow fetus." We see what they're looking at -- a fleshy mass in a specimen jar -- and Kaylee points out that it has more legs than most cows. Simon says it's mutated. No doubt a result of all those bovine growth hormones. (Note to agricultural industrial complex attack lawyers: That was a joke.) Kaylee is still skeptical. Simon says the fetus is upside-down. She bends her head sideways and immediately says, "Oh, yeah." She's lying. She doesn't see the cow. Simon notes that he's "out twelve bits" (whatever) and observes, "I really know how to show a girl a disgusting time." Kaylee, in typical fashion, is upbeat, even in the nonexistent face of an aborted mutant calf, and says that it's "sweet" because, even though the mass of flesh never saw the light of day, "now it's in show business." Well, it's doing better than 99 percent of all reality show participants. Simon tells Kaylee that she's always finding the bright side of everything. I know, but I like her anyway. Kaylee is charmed by the flattery and mentions that they have the booth to themselves for five minutes. Flustered at the idea of making out with a girl, Simon points out that the dead mutant cow is watching. Kaylee dismisses the cow and begs Simon to tell her more great things about her. He tells her she's great with machines, says what she thinks, and has nice eyes, and he concludes with, "Plus, every other girl I know is either married, professional, or closely related to me, so more or less, you're literally the only girl in the world." Predictably, Kaylee doesn't respond well to being told that Simon's interest in her is partially because she's the only item on the menu. Subconsciously self-sabotaging dates with girls? What is that -- step three in the lengthy coming-out process? I'm still thinking Simon would prefer to eat at a different restaurant. Kaylee seems to think Simon had women throwing themselves at him when he was a doctor on Osiris (probably for fashion and hair advice), but now he's stuck with her at the "bottom of the barrel." Simon looks confused and flustered as Kaylee stomps off, muttering in Chinese. ("I wish he'd look at me the way he looks at Mal.")
Zoe and Wash enter as Kaylee leaves. Wash declares, "Oh my God! It's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar." I rolled my eyes, and then I realized that's exactly the kind of comment I would make. Zoe asks Simon if he scared Kaylee away again. Simon says, "This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls." Snerk. Hee. Really? Zoe asks, "Why? Is there somebody out there you're actually good at talking to?" Well, he seemed to get through to Jayne in "Trash," didn't he? You just have to have the right tools -- in Jayne's case, a touch of bondage. Wash lies to the aborted mutant calf that humans are a peaceful race and they must all "live together."
Elsewhere, Mal and Inara wander down UST Alley. It seems that Mal's having a tough time unloading the Lassiter, what with it being an exceedingly famous stolen artifact and all. Inara wants to get involved, because she "knows people" who could buy it. Mal doesn't want Inara getting into his line of work or "jeopardizing [her] career" by helping them fence stuff. See, her job (besides the UST) is to be the Deus Sex Machina, showing up at the end of the episode to help get them out of whatever trouble they've gotten themselves into (See also: "Jaynestown," "War Stories," and "Trash"). Inara is confused, because Mal hates that she's a whore, but he doesn't want her to be a crook, either. No, Inara, Mal wants you to be a pretty porcelain princess who never does anything naughty, ever, and lives in a glass display case. In other words, he's an idiot. People acting like idiots is the theme of this episode. ["'This' episode?" -- Sars]
Mal and Inara arrive at some postal station to see if the plot they had Planet Expressed over has been delivered. It has. Mal makes some small-talk with the Postmaster Generic, who seems to know him, as he signs for the goods. Book and River wander over, each holding what appears to be a miniature fishing pole. Except instead of a hook and lure, it has a giant gob of ice cream dangling there. Yes, of course. Over the passing of 500 years, folks figured out that an edible cone structure or paper bowl was just wasn't an efficient way to serve ice cream. What would be a better way to serve something that both melts and is very sticky? I know! Let's dangle it from a string so it can drip all over the place. Wouldn't that be great? And if that doesn't work out, we'll have wild space monkeys fling the ice cream at people. They'll love it! I don't know why I'm getting so worked up about something so minor, but it's an issue that's endemic to a lot of mediocre sci-fi -- changing something that doesn't need to be changed just for the purpose of making the future look different from the present. Plus, anybody who's been to the mall knows that the Dippin' Dots is the future of ice cream. River unsuccessfully tries to lick from the dangling ball, and declares, "My food is problematic." That's the smartest thing she's said this whole series. Jayne happens by with some cases of weapons-related stuff he bought, and mentions that genius River doesn't know how to eat an "ice planet." Oh, how very Jetsons of them.
Behind them, the Postmaster Generic has pushed out a giant crate, which was sent to Zoe and Mal. Mal doesn't know what it is, and says they hadn't ordered any parts. There's also a smaller box for Jayne. Book suggests they all back slowly away from any package for Jayne. Yes, those panties from all his female admirers may have been packed in a little tightly and could burst open all over the place at any moment. Oh, I don't think that's what Book meant. It turns out the package is from Jayne's mother, so I'm wrong, too. Or at least, I certainly hope so. As Jayne slowly and awkwardly reads the letter from his mom, Inara wanders over to Kaylee and asks her if aliens walk among them. She responds, "Yes. One of 'em's a doctor." He's from Planet Fabuloso IV. From the reading of Jayne's letter, we learn that he's been sending money home to his parents (awww) to help treat a sick relative (awww). Also, his family sounds exceedingly normal, which is an amusing irony for Mutant Enemy. As Mal and Zoe work to open the giant crate they've been shipped, Jayne opens his box to find an orange and yellow knitted cap. It has ear flaps and a cute little pom-pom on the top. Aw. My grandmother sends me the tackiest knitted blankets, but I still use them, because they're so warm. Although I'm going to have a hard time explaining to a partner why I have one orange blanket and one red, white, and blue blanket. Jayne puts the hat on and asks everybody how it looks. Kaylee thinks it's cute, of course. If she thinks aborted mutant cows are cute, surely she'll go for the hat. Wash declares that anybody who sees Jayne wearing that hat will know he's a guy who's not afraid of anything. Jayne, of course, misses the subtext of the comment.
Zoe and Mal have finally opened the crate, and inside they find what appears to be a coffin. They open the lid of the coffin to find that, indeed, it is a coffin. Complete with a dead young man inside. Everybody peers into the coffin. Jayne asks, "What'd y'all order a dead guy for?"
Credits. Okay, I'll tell them you "ain't coming back." I think they know that already, though.
And now, an unnecessary budget-consuming flashback. Yay! Ships fly over a landscape as CGI weapons fire bursts across the scene. Cameramen flee for their lives through bombed-out buildings, dragging us along with them. Captioning declares that we're at the Battle of Du-Khang, seven years ago. Thanks. That information really puts this all in context. If we knew anything about the battles other than the Battle of Serenity, which we don't. So never mind. Soldiers huddle around pieces of ex-buildings to hide from fire and other war-related hazards. Our pre-corpse is one of these soldiers. He's played by Jonathan M. Woodward, a participant in the Mutant Enemy Featured Actor Reclamation Project. He played the psychologist vampire in "Conversations With Dead People," one of only two episodes of Buffy that didn't suck out loud last season (the other being "Selfless"). He also played a role in the season finale ofAngel that leaves him open for future appearances. He was also one of the main characters in the television adaptation of Wit, which makes me wonder how the hell he ended up here. He's one of those guys who looks kind of cute at some angles, yet like an ugly, dumb Chipster in others. He's currently looking kind of dumb in his military attire. Yossariain't's reaction to the bloodshed is to plop down on the ground, drop his weapon, take off his helmet, and open a can of beans. He mutters something about beans to himself (maybe that little rhyme?) as an Alliance soldier slowly sneaks up on him. Yossariain't finally hears the guy and looks around, but he's not in a position to defend himself. Fortunately, Zoe has snuck up behind the Alliance soldier, and she cuts the guy's throat with a big knife. Yossariain't thanks Zoe for saving him, and there's a bunch of blather about Zoe being stealthy and Yossariain't not getting adequate training. Zoe goes on to speak at length about what's going on with the battle. I could only understand every third word, but I believe Zoe explains that the Alliance won both the luxury challengeandthe immunity challenge this week, giving them a bunch of nasty weapons and the ability to use them with abandon. Zoe managed to kill a couple of scouts and gives Yossariain't a lecture about how the first rule of combat is to be stealthy and not let people know where you are.
This, of course, is Mal's cue to enter screaming and shooting off into the darkness from stage right, acting like he's the lead in his own private summer action blockbuster. He hoots, hollers, and shoots, before finally collapsing to the ground near the others. Zoe dryly observes, "Of course, there are other theories." Mal says to Zoe and Yossariain't, "They don't like it when you shoot at them. I worked that out myself." So apparently war is hell, but also zany. I have this feeling that Mal developed his combat strategies after stumbling across some old Bugs Bunny cartoons from World War II. It would explain a lot. We find out that Yossariain't's name is actually Tracey. Mal says he was hoping Tracey would be dead so he could have Tracey's beans. Hell, but zany. There's some unnecessary mili-babble about the Alliance outnumbering them. Mal asks about the lieutenant. Tracey explains, as we see a shot of some man staring blankly off into the darkness, that the lieutenant has been shrieking about losing his arms. Except he's totally uninjured. Oh, the hellish zaniness of it all.
Tracey worries about what they're going to do, and whines that he doesn't want to die. Mal's "charismatic" response: "Everybody dies, Tracey. Somebody's carrying a bullet for you right now and doesn't even know it. The trick is to die of old age before it finds you." Bleaugh. Spare me the stupid Hollywood romanticizing of the wisdom of military leaders. A real sergeant would have said something like, "Son, when we make it back home, I'll get you a dozen hookers. Now if you don't get off your goddamned ass I'm going to shoot you myself." Maybe Mal should have spent more time working on legitimate combat strategies and less time trying to think up clever homilies. Anyway, they all decide to pretend that the shell-shocked lieutenant gave them orders to join up with some other unit. They also decide to protect the lieutenant for now. Mal think that if the guy recovers, this situation shouldn't go on his record. Yes, the fact that the guy completely folded under pressure in an incredibly dangerous situation, which probably cost a few soldiers their lives, isn't something that should cost him his leadership position or anything. God. I'm beginning to take the Alliance's side in all this. Clearly these people really are too stupid to run things themselves.
Suddenly, Zoe hears the whine of an incoming seeker missile. Mal throws a flare straight up, then grabs Tracey and pulls him down to the ground. The missile hits the flare instead of them, but the shrapnel rains down and wounds Tracey. Tracey whines that he can't move or whatever, so Mal picks him up and drags him out of the way of a tank that is bursting through a nearby wall, ending the flashback with what is intended to be a prophetic comment: "You know the old saying..." I don't want to give it away, but I believe the old saying he's referring to is, "It's perfectly okay to have your characters behave like complete idiots if it creates dramatic tension for a little while."
Then we cut back to the present with a shot of Tracey in his coffin, now loaded on Serenity. Whoops, my mistake. They're still at the station. That was just the editor in me fixing the dreadful pacing in the episode. Apparently, even though they just established for the viewers that Zoe and Mal know Tracey, they have to establish it to the other people in the crew, and for some reason we need to bear witness to this. They also need to establish that it's against the law to transport bodies through the post office. For some reason, Joss Whedon and Tim Minear (who wrote the episode) seem to think that this little detail is important for the first stage of the conflict in this episode, but it's really not. Also: duh. Anyway, the Postmaster Generic is having a big hissyfit over Tracey's body and he demands they take it so he doesn't get in trouble. The postmaster tells them there's no return address or anything, so they don't know who sent Tracey to them or why. The body's also been at the post office for a week, but, as Jayne points out, is showing no signs of decomposition. Except he says, "It don't smell." Zoe and Mal decided to carry the box back to the ship, turning down Book's assistance and shrugging off Jayne's comment about the lack of profit in bringing a dead body aboard. Simon finally shows up at the post office as everybody's heading back to the ship and asks Kaylee, "Did we get anything fun?" Well, he is a cute guy, so almost, but he's dead, so no. Kaylee looks horrified of course, because Simon should have developed psychic powers by now just like his sister and should already know what's going on. As Kaylee stomps off yet again, River walks by Simon and declares, "You are such a boob. And just tell her you're gay already!" Or maybe just that first sentence.
Now, they've finally got Tracey's body on the ship. Everybody's gathered around it in the cargo bay. Jayne worries that Tracey might be carrying some nasty plague or something. And he's supposed to be the stupid one in the crew. Zoe and Mal insist that he isn't, but Wash takes Jayne's side and points out that they may have a relationship with Tracey, but it doesn't preclude the possibility that Tracey's body might be teeming with space cooties. Simon offers to perform an autopsy. Kaylee looks at him in absolute horror, because how rude is it to offer to find out how somebody Zoe and Mal clearly care for died? Shut up, Kaylee. Mal turns down Simon's offer at the moment, but takes it in the spirit with which it was intended. Kaylee calls Simon a "robot." Shut it, Handy Smurf.
Zoe, who has been looking over Tracey's body, finds a small device and pulls it out to show to Mal. It's a recorder of some sort. There's a message on it from Tracey. He opens by hoping that this message (and presumably his body) has found its way into Zoe and Mal's custody. He says he doesn't want to get into details, but has "fallen in with some untrustworthy folk." He predicts that he is going to get himself killed, which is why he's recording this in the first place. He asks for Zoe and Mal to arrange to return his body to his family on St. Alba. They have a family plot there. Jayne takes off his goofy hat in respect, but then we see it back on his head in a shot seconds later. Oops. Tracey's voice points out that they went into war thinking they'd never come home again, but it turns out it was the real world that did him in. So they never thought they'd win the war to begin with? What was it some attempt at mass suicide, then? Oh, never mind. Tracey says that Mal and Zoe "carried him" during the war, and he's hoping they'll carry him one more time back home. He repeats part of that saying that is going to be littered throughout this episode: "When you can't run anymore, you crawl. And when you can't do that...yeah, you know the rest." Er, the "yeah, you know the rest" isn't actually part of the saying, but that's what Tracey says. He asks them to make sure his eyes are closed, and then signs off...forever. Wash mentions that it's only two days to St. Alba as he heads up to the bridge to set course. Mal tells Inara that she may be a little late to her appointments, but of course she's okay with that. Everybody files out of the cargo hold, and mournful music plays as Zoe and Mal put the lid back on the coffin.
Back on the station, three men wearing black leather dusters (evil!) stride down a corridor as evil music (evil!) plays and the men (evil!) endeavor to look as evil as humanly possible without actually twirling mustaches. They head into the post office and the main man (evil!) holds up an unidentified badge of some sort and immediately calls the Postmaster Generic ugly. Because he's evil! Do you get that he's evil, yet? Oh, and did I mention that the actor playing the main guy is the same actor who played FauxYork on 24? Evil! In case we still don't get it, the guy goes on this tirade about what kind of "troll" is going to make the postmaster his bitch in prison. Because he's an evil homophobe, as well! Apparently this guy is connected to the Alliance, though he's not wearing the bellboy outfit, because they're proactively evil instead of just reactively, apathetically evil like the rest of the Alliance. He knows about the body. He threatens the postmaster with five to ten years on a prison moon and demands to know where Tracey's body is. Postmaster Generic claims he didn't see a body, but realizing that these guys aren't just going to go away (he must be able to hear the background music of evil), he says he recently sent out a box that was big enough to hold a body. Then he sells out Mal and the crew. After getting what he wants, Officer Evil! declares he was just kidding about the prison thing, then orders his assistant (with the risibly stupid name of "Skunk") to set Postmaster Generic on fire. Just in case we haven't picked up on that whole "Evil!" thing yet. Skunk sprays some sort of fluid all over Postmaster Generic and lights a match. Then Officer Evil! warns Postmaster Generic that if he tells anybody they were there or warns Mal that they're coming, he's going to wish that they actually did burn him. Then he blows the match out and tells his evil partners that they're going to go find their corpse. Oh, so there's an upper limit to their evil. I really hope necrophilia is past that limit.
R-R-R-Ruffles have r-r-r-ridges! There aren't any commercials or anything. I just felt like I should fill up the gap. And since when is "sour cream and onion" a "new" potato chip flavor, anyway?
Now, going back into my whiny editor mode, I really think the episode would have been better if it picked up here in the second act, after the introduction segment. Nearly everything that took place in the first act is mentioned again later in the episode. I know "showing" is preferable to "telling," but looking back at the first act, all we really learned was that Tracey was in the war with Zoe and Mal and evil, evil men want his body. The actual conflict in the episode hasn't even hit the crew yet.
Sad violin music plays as Kaylee hangs out in the engine room, listening again to Tracey's recording (see how easily they worked it into the second act?). Simon wanders by, and may I say he's looking downright unkempt! His black Structure dress shirt isn't even tucked in! Oh, the horror. Maybe he's returning from Jayne's bunk. Simon eavesdrops on Kaylee sitting in the engine room, but decides against making himself known or anything, and wanders away. I know Kaylee's a bit innocent, but when did she become a sap? She was a bit traumatized in "War Stories" and "Objects In Space," but getting all moony over some dead guy she never even knew seems a bit too much, even for her.
Down in the cargo bay, Jayne bench-presses some, like, really big weights (swoon!), while Book watches over Tracey, because he's a minister and if he doesn't get into caretaker mode when a dead body's around, he'll get his license taken away. Jayne inexplicably worries that he's making too much noise and disturbing Book. Because suddenly Jayne cares. Book says he was just saying a few words, but he doesn't know Tracey's "denomination" and blah blah blah. Well, you're too late for him anyway. If he's been dead for a week, I figure God has already decided what to do with him. Out of nowhere, Jayne says that it's good that Book is praying for Tracey: "The Lord should oughta [sic] look after the dead." This is the same guy who couldn't give a shit what happened to the dead folks in "Bushwhacked" until he discovered the possibility of scoring some loot. Although he has been shown to be superstitious, so I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. It seems like everybody's reaction to death is being exaggerated in order to serve the plot. And then Jayne offers to spot Book for a set. Okay, so he's not too put out. Book declines. Jayne says that most people get all quiet around dead people, but being around death encourages him to go "do stuff" liking working out or "getting some 'trim' if there's a woman about." Because, you know, Jayne is normally the bookish homebody of the team. Also, maybe Simon really was returning from Jayne's quarters? Book says he understands the whole carpe diem-ness that is Jayne's existence. Jayne puts the silly orange hat back on and asks Book if he's going to read over Jayne's body when he's gone. Book says he's sure Jayne will be with them for a long time. He must be reading all the forums.
While this discussion is going on, River has crept quietly into the cargo bay. She starts climbing up on top of the coffin. Jayne notices her presence and asks her what the hell she's doing. She slithers across the top of the coffin and lies down on top. Book tells her that might not be the best place to hang out, but River insists she's very comfortable. Book says, "I guess we do all have different reactions to death."
Cut to laughter, of course. Wherever would we be on television if the last statement from one scene didn't serve as a transition to the ? We would be lost, I tell you! Lost! Anyway, Mal and Zoe are hanging out with Inara in the dining area, sharing more "war is hell, but zany" stories. They're telling a very detailed, incredibly dull story about Tracey shaving off some officer's mustache. The entire ship shudders in boredom. Oh, wait -- actually they're under attack or something. They all rush off to the bridge.
Up on the bridge, Book is already there with Wash. Wash says there's a ship behind them; it fired over the port bow. Since they didn't hit them, Zoe realizes it's feds. Officer Evil! (actually Lt. Womack) comms in and tells them he knows they've got stolen goods and they're to power down and surrender, et cetera. Mal assumes he means The Lassiter. But of course, he means Tracey. See, if they had cut Act I, then we, too, would have experienced the dramatic tension of finding out what these men are looking for in a tense environment involving characters we know and care about. As it stands, we have to sit here and listen to Mal and Officer Evil! go through pretty much the same conversation we heard with the Postmaster Generic. Actually, neither Officer Evil! nor Mal mentions anything about a dead body. Officer Evil! wants the crate. Mal pretends he doesn't know whether they've got the crate or not, and tells Officer Evil! to lock onto their ship and follow while he searches for it. Mal then cuts the communicator off and tells Wash to keep Officer Evil! distracted while they figure out what the hell is going on. Wash doesn't know what he's supposed to do as a distraction. Book offers to stay with Wash and help. It would seem to me that having Book blather away at an angry evil man would be a quick way to get your bridge blown off, but Mal doesn't seem to be bothered.
Down in the cargo bay, Mal, Zoe, and Jayne have carefully removed Tracey from his coffin and are ripping both it and the crate he came in apart to try to find what Officer Evil! may be looking for. They don't find anything. Mal has Zoe go through Tracey's pockets. Kaylee, watching over by the stairs with Inara, River, and Simon, declares, "That ain't right." Yes, apparently, it's wrong to even touch dead people. How do you think he got dressed up and put in the coffin? Again, shut up, Kaylee. Nobody finds anything. Then Mal turns to Simon and tells him it looks like they're going to need an autopsy after all.
Cut to the medical bay, where Tracey has been undressed and placed on the surgical table. I can only imagine what Kaylee said about that. Mal, Zoe, and Jayne are there. Jayne is playing with the flap of his hat. Mal explains that smuggling things inside a dead body is a "time-honored, repulsive custom." Yes, how do you think I got these unaired episodes? Jayne idiotically wonders if there's gold inside Tracey's body. Zoe is offended at Jayne, but Jayne, of course, doesn't get it. Simon looks over Tracey's chest and says he's been opened before. There's a scar, though it's hard to see. Mal tells Simon to cut him open to see what they've put inside. Simon starts a small incision just below Tracey's neck. And that, of course, is Tracey's cue to suddenly come back to life and start screaming.
Uh, why would anybody go to Taco Bell to get a Caesar salad?
When we return, Tracey leaps off the table and starts wrestling with Simon. My mind cycles through about 500 gay jokes. Simon looks frightened and confused -- usually they're all naked and Zoe's not there. And the screaming generally has a different edge to it. Anyway, Mal pulls Tracey off Simon, wrestles him to the ground, and straddles him. Tracey, not Simon. At the moment. Hee. Sorry. Mal eventually calms Tracey down enough to realize that Simon was cutting him open because they all thought he was dead. Tracey realizes where he is, and then realizes that he's naked.
A little bit later, Simon's got Tracey back on the table and is giving him a physical. Tracey apologizes for trying to jump Simon. Simon says the problem was Tracey didn't call "shotgun" first. Hee. Sorry. He totally didn't say that. Simon asks what drug Tracey took to simulate death. Tracey doesn't know. He knows he was supposed to be out for a week. He blathers on about dreaming about his family, then throws up. Mal wants to know what the hell Tracey's gotten involved in and who he was running from. Tracey insists he was heading home, but the people he had gotten involved with had a problem with Tracey leaving with their property. Mal demands the details, but Simon interrupts them because his tests show that Tracey appears to be in cardiac arrest. Tracey laughs at this news and tells Simon not to trust the machines. Apparently all of Tracey's organs are running on overdrive, and this is normal for him. Please don't tell me we're looking at a possible return of The Initiative. They were supposed to destroy the facility and salt the earth. Salt the earth! Anyway, it seems that all these super-organs are what Officer Evil! is after. Mal demands to know the details. Just then Kaylee wanders into the medical bay, because even though she was being all judgy about how they treated Tracey's body, that doesn't mean she can't watch. Anyway, she's surprised to see Tracey alive. Tracey looks at Kaylee. Kaylee looks at Tracey. It's The Look. Tracey says he'll fill them all in on the details as he continues giving Kaylee The Look.
Tracey and various members of the crew gather in one of the common areas to get comfortable for all the exposition. Tracey explains that he had his internal organs removed and replaced with these super-organs. There's a lot of money in it. He says the organs are grown in a lab, but have to be moved in a person. Simon chimes in to explain that medical technology isn't advanced enough to transport them otherwise. So they can transport Tracey's normal organs in Ziploc bag or something, but I guess the super-organs are too unstable. Tracey was expected in Ariel to have the super-organs replaced with his current organs, but then he got a better offer for triple the money. He wanted to use the money to help his family, who are apparently living in less than ideal conditions. But apparently Tracey's employers found out about the deal and had his new buyer killed. Tracey was captured, but escaped. He figured if he "died," they'd stop looking for him. If these super-organs are so unstable, wouldn't shutting them down in a fake death be as dangerous as trying to transport them outside a living body? Oh, never mind. There are much bigger problems with the script than this. Like, why does anybody need super-organs? Is there any connection between these super-organs and the experiments done on River? Is there any reason these details actually matter? Another warning shot from Officer Evil! rattles the ship, and Mal tells Tracey that the whole "dead" plan didn't necessarily work.
We get a nifty CGI shot of Officer Evil!'s ship shooting missiles (silently, of course) so that they explode just in front of Serenity. Then we cut back to the bridge, where everybody's coming back up to find out what's going on. Wash freaks out briefly that Tracey's up and about. Wash tells Mal they're five minutes from St. Alba's atmosphere. Mal orders Kaylee to take Tracey off the bridge and have the two of them strap in somewhere. Officer Evil! comms in to say a bunch more really evil things and threaten to kill them all like he killed the other people who got in his way. So I guess maybe murder isn't entirely over the line for them. Tracey eavesdrops on the conversation as Mal lies that one of the shots blew up a thingy-wah, so they'll have to land on the planet. Officer Evil! agrees. Tracey finally leaves the bridge. After Officer Evil! comms out, Mal points to something on a topography map that looks like a small valley between a bunch of mountains. He asks Wash if he can get them there. He can. Mal uses the ship comms to warn everybody to hang onto something. They've got a lot of CGI to go through and not a lot of time, so things may get a little bumpy.
Speaking of which, we get shots of Serenity heading toward the planet's surface, with Officer Evil!'s ship following. Inside Serenity, Contrivance arranges for some turbulence to knock Kaylee into Tracey's arms. Bleah. This little subplot is such a disappointment, because it doesn't really mean anything. There isn't even any conflict over the alleged attraction between Simon and Kaylee. I think it would have been more interesting if Tracey had bonded with River instead. They've both been involved in mysterious medical procedures of unknown purposes, and a subplot with the two of them would have kept River's arc moving forward. Instead we get blather as Tracey asks about relationships with the crew. He thinks Kaylee and Wash are together. No, she explains that Wash and Zoe are married. Tracey is shocked at the idea of Zoe getting married: "you'll be telling me she smiles," he says. Well, yes, she does, and that statement bugs me because I know he wouldn't say that if Zoe were a man. Yes, women in leadership roles are humorless battleaxes, while men are authoritative and professional. Anyway, Tracey thinks it's good that they're all making their own lives and such. Kaylee tries to keep from swooning all over the place.
The ship speeds through some icy canyon. Inside the ship, Officer Evil! has called back, and he's annoyed that they're taking so long. He wants them to land, now. As crew members run around, and Wash claims that he's looking for a landing spot, Book sits there looking at something on one of the little round monitors. He's noticed something odd. There's an Alliance station nearby, yet Officer Evil! hasn't made a single transmission to them to let them know what's going on. Hmmm. Maybe the lack of bellboy uniforms means something after all.
Back in Kaylee's room, she and Tracey continue to bond. He explains he's always getting into trouble like this, and apologizes for bringing them into it. Kaylee says it's no big deal. After all, they can't even fly from one planet to the without getting in trouble with somebody. Tracey flirts with her some more.
More Emmy-nominated CGI effects entertain as Serenity continues zooming around the icy canyon. Inside the bridge, Wash celebrates because Officer Evil!'s ship is no longer behind them. He assumes that means they lost him. But then he looks up and, through a monitor, realizes that Officer Evil! is flying their ship above the canyon over Serenity and is moseying along just fine. Ha! Snerk. I've always thought there was something stupid about those canyon dogfights, but I could never put my finger on it. And so Officer Evil! starts bombing them. Wash hides the ship under some cover and powers down, hoping Officer Evil! won't be able to find them.
Elsewhere on the ship, Inara notes the bombing runs going on as she sits in her shuttle. Since she can't have sex with anybody to fix this little conflict, she's just going to stay there. Kaylee and Tracey note that they've stopped. Tracey is worried, but Kaylee is sure the captain has a plan.
Out in the cargo bay, River is being all wacky and counting the time between bomb explosions in order to determine whether the "storm" is coming or going.
On the bridge, Mal, Zoe, Jayne, Wash, and Book are trying to figure out a plan. Wash says that if they get a direct hit from above, all the ship's electrical systems will break down, and they'll have to dig their way out. Things are looking grim. But then Book pipes up and says, "Captain, there is another way." Oh, great. Now we're going to listen to Book?
Oh, apparently, they are. We're not, because it's going to be one of those plans where the dramatic tension comes from us not knowing what it is, like in "Bushwhacked" and "Trash." Except even dumber. Instead, we watch as Tracey decides to leave Kaylee's quarters, despite her protests, to find out what's going on.
So Tracey works his way up to the bridge and overhears Book's plan. Well, part of Book's plan. And this "plan" makes it sound like Book wants them to hand Tracey over to Officer Evil! And it sounds like Mal and Zoe are inclined to agree, so of course there was more to this plan that we didn't hear. Tracey, though, hasn't watched mediocre television in ages and doesn't realize this. He eyes a couple of guns sitting on a table to the door (and what the hell is that? Some sort of NRA variation on the "take a penny, leave a penny" plate?), as tense music plays.
Oh, it looks like that sad little egg guy has taken a turn for the worse with the depression. I'm hoping there isn't a Zoloft commercial in the future with him sitting on the ledge of some building.
We return back to the "plan" to sell Tracey out. Another bomb falls. Jayne declares he agrees with Book's plan. Book insists it's the only way. Mal stares at Book. Then he tells Wash to call Officer Evil! and tell him they give up.
Then, of course, Tracey pulls the gun off the table and pulls it on Wash and orders him to stop. Everyone's surprised. He insists he's not going back with Officer Evil! to be eviscerated. Book tries to tell him that he doesn't know what's going on, but Tracey's not having it. Rather than explaining anything, Mal orders Wash again to call Officer Evil! Tracey threatens to blow Wash's head off. Mal angrily says, "You mailed your ugly business to Zoe and me, Tracey, cash on delivery. I'll go to hell before I watch you turn and bite us for the favor." Oh, I guess it really was Book's idea to sell him out. After all, if they had another plan, I would certainly take this moment to at least say something like, "We've got a plan. You're not going back. Trust me." Wouldn't you? Mal again orders Wash to contact Officer Evil! Wash picks up the comm to make the call, and then Tracey shoots at him, grazing his temple. Yikes. But then we see a really fake bloody wound on Tracey's chest. Zoe shot Tracey at the exact same time he shot Wash. Tracey stumbles down the stairs leading to the bridge to find Kaylee standing there. He grabs Kaylee in the required hostage-taking neck lock and backs down the corridor, shooting up into the bridge.
Tracey and Kaylee head down to the catwalks leading to the shuttles. Tracey seems chatty and active for somebody who's been shot in the chest, but I imagine that might be because of the super-organs. Kaylee is confused, of course. She doesn't understand why they'd shoot Tracey. Tracey explains that they were going to sell him out to Officer Evil!, and he hopes Kaylee will help him get off the ship. He wants her to help him escape on a shuttle, but Kaylee refuses. Mal finally makes it onto the catwalk, armed, and Kaylee demands to know what's going on, seeing as how she's smack in the middle of an armed face-off. Mal gives a big speech about how Tracey brought this all on himself. He got in over his head and panicked, and then brought the whole mess to them. Well, that's partly true, but whose decision was it to cut Tracey open rather than to just hand him over to Officer Evil! as ordered, hmm, Mal? Mal adds that he thinks Tracey is responsible for some of the deaths that Officer Evil! referred to earlier when he was threatening to blow up Serenity. And this is based on what evidence, now? Tracey points out that Mal has killed people, too. Yeah, but they deserved it. Mal responds that he didn't try to kill people who were trying to help him. Oh, and which people trying to help Tracey did he try to kill? Based on the evidence we've seen, I can't think of one. Just some guy who was going to get him killed by turning him into Officer Evil! I think his name is Wash. While this speech is going on, Jayne and Zoe are working their way down other catwalks, armed.
Tracey then has to turn a bit evil in order to justify this poorly orchestrated conflict. He says he picked Zoe and Mal to carry him home because they're "saps." They have a reputation for being tough, but he remembers all of Mal's stupid homilies and speeches. Is that a shout-out? If they're trying to get me to take Mal's side against Tracey, they're doing a really bad job. Everything he's saying is true. Mal points out that the bombing has stopped, meaning that Wash has managed to contact Officer Evil! Tracey responds, "That call means you just murdered me." Oh, don't get ahead of yourself there, Tracey. Then, following a visual cue from Mal, Jayne ratchets a shotgun to indicate his presence. This, of course, is stupid, because Tracey believes he has nothing to lose, so why should he surrender? Instead he turns to shoot at Jayne, which gives Mal the opening to shoot him again. He goes down, and Kaylee is freed. Mal walks up to Tracey as he quivers on the floor and says, "No, son. You murdered yourself. I just carried your bullet for awhile." Oh, whatever. I'm sorry if I refuse to take the side of somebody who has committed a dozen more crimes than Tracey in the short time this show was on the air.
After a CGI shot of Serenity and Officer Evil!'s ship on any icy butte, we cut back inside the cargo bay as Officer Evil! and his evil crew board, guns at the ready. Right as they enter, Jayne cocks his rifle from one catwalk. They turn their guns to him. Then Tracey calls to them from another catwalk to tell them "[he] broke their junk." Mal's over there, and he's armed, too. Officer Evil! gets on his best threatening voice, warning them that they're all getting in even deeper trouble and a search of the ship will probably uncover more illegal gains. But then Book walks out from behind some cargo to tell Officer Evil! he's not going to be taking anybody in today. Officer Evil! threatens some more. Book asks him why they never called for back-up from the nearby Alliance station. Book recognizes the symbols of Officer Evil!'s rank and says that he's about eight sectors away from his jurisdiction. He theorizes that this is not a legitimate federal pursuit, and doubts anybody would even know or care if they took the evil trio down right now. Officer Evil! looks around, sees that he probably wouldn't win a gunfight, declares, "He's damaged goods anyhow," spits on the floor, and leaves with his men. As he leaves, Officer Evil! tells Jayne his hat makes him look like an idiot, because this episode is stupid, but not quite stupid enough yet.
So that was the big plan? The big plan was to tell Officer Evil! they know he's not really authorized to do this? At first I was angry that they didn't just tell him as soon as they found out and threaten to contact the Alliance base, but then I realized that it wouldn't necessarily stop him from shooting them out of the sky. Also, they probably don't want the Alliance snooping around Serenity. But then I just realized that there's nothing to stop him from shooting them to pieces once he gets back to his ship, and these people are witnesses who know he's engaging in illegal activities, but he doesn't. Because this episode is insanely dumb.
And now, of course, as Tracey lies on the floor, dying, he finds out what this plan was. The plan that Mal refused to tell him, choosing instead to lecture him repeatedly like a small child. I just realized that Mal nearly got Wash killed because he'd rather give angry speeches than tell these people what the fuck is going on. Mal is stupid. Actually, the writing was stupid, because their failure to let the viewers in on Mal and Book's full plan was the only way they could wring dramatic conflict out of this final act. Actually, that's not true either. There are probably a dozen other ways they could have worked this plot out that didn't involve people behaving like morons, but this show has gotten so wrapped up in secret plans and Mal's patriarchal condescension. And there's still no explanation as to what purpose these super-organs were for. It was just a pointless McGuffin to serve as a jumping-off point for the conflict. It didn't matter. Tracey could have had dilithium crystals up his rectum and Officer Evil! could have been trying to get them back for all it mattered.
Anyway, Tracey, on his deathbed, declares that Mal had a good plan. He fails to add, "If you had told me your plan instead of feeding my paranoia, I wouldn't have shot Wash and I wouldn't be dying now. Hello!" Tracey then takes the blame for the whole thing because of his general stupidity and inability to get his life together after the war. He apologizes to Kaylee, and for using Zoe and Mal with his message. And now, coincidentally, he's going ask them to bring his body home, for real this time. Mal nods and says, "You know the old saying..." Tracey says, "When you can't run, you crawl. And when you can't crawl, when you can't do that..." Zoe finishes, "You find someone to carry you." Or, you know, shoot you in the chest -- twice. Whichever. I guess the point was that Tracey was supposed to trust them, even though Mal pretty much told him twice that Tracey's problems were of his own creation. And then, Tracey dies.
We cut to Zoe and Mal carrying Tracey's coffin out to a snowy surface where a small geodesic dome seems to indicate a tiny community. Tracey's comments from his original message about being able to survive in the real world play in the background, and him begging Zoe and Mal to carry him back home. Everybody, including the villagers, gathers around the coffin. Kaylee hands the recorder over to a man who is probably Tracey's dad. Then she heads over to Simon's side and grasps his hand for comfort. The episode ends with Tracey repeating that stupid saying, and Mal wearing his serious face. Shut up, Mal's face. Your patronizing attitude is what got Tracey killed.