By Shack
Anyway, Saffron's wearing an innocent Western virgin "only whores show their shoulders or calves" dress. The second she recognizes Mal, she turns and snatches a gun out of a holster of a man who is conveniently passing by and trains the gun on Mal. Mal pulls out his gun and trains it on her at the same time. Monty regards the pair of them for a moment, then says, "So, you guys have met?"
Credits. Yeah, while you guys were all guarding the sky, they went and pulled the rug out from under you.
No commercials. I feel cheated somehow. We return to the standoff. Monty is confused. He wants to know why Mal's got a gun pointed at Bridget/Saffron. Saffret. There we go. Mal insists that Saffret isn't Monty's wife. Saffret suddenly kicks the gun out of Mal's hand. Mal grabs Saffret's arm and disarms her. Then there's all the punching and kicking and throwing and wrestling. Eventually Saffret and Mal end up rolling around on the ground, trying to choke each other. Monty grows tired of the fighting and finally yanks the two of them up and apart. He demands to know what's going on. Mal tells the whole tale about how Saffron had tricked Mal into thinking she had married him and then tried to steal Serenity. Monty's all, "Saffron whoooooo? Married whaaaaa?" Damn you, Djb! Everybody at TWoP Towers is going to be mimicking him mimicking Mrs. Garrett for the rest of our lives. After Mal's done with his exposition, Saffret declares, "You're a liar, Malcolm Reynolds." Monty then points out that he hadn't yet told her Mal's name. Oops. Plus, she was the one who pulled the gun first. I mean, duh. Anyway, that jig Saffret's got is up.
Cut to Monty's ship taking off. Saffron has been left on the ground with Mal. Monty hurls invectives at her through the ship's speakers before taking off. Saffron spits back something in Chinese ("Go father some lesbian couple's children!"), then starts going through a sack of her belongs that Monty tossed off the ship. Mal pulls a gun on her and orders her to take her hand out of the bag. She says she's not going for a weapon as she pulls out a tube of lipstick. Mal grabs her lipstick and tosses it away, pointing out that she used the cosmetics to knock him out once before. Mal searches her for weapons; annoying double entendres ensue. Saffron tries to worm her way back into Mal's heart. Unfortunately for her, Mal's had all his shots and he's not interested. He orders her to walk away in some random direction. She points out that she'll die if Mal abandons her on this "lifeless moon." Mal doesn't care. She asks him why he simply doesn't shoot her. He points the question back at her as he nurses a nosebleed, noting that she had the drop on him at the beginning of the fight. Saffron asks if Monty and Mal fought together during the war. They did. I have this suspicion that, had this show continued, there would be a constant parade of guest stars who fought with Mal and Zoe during the war. It probably would have ended up like on The Practice, where every client was a close friend of one of the partners. Anyhow, she says that she recognized their connection and realized that if she had shot Mal, she would have lost Monty anyway. Of course, she could have never drawn the gun in the first place and been all demure and made Mal look like an idiot. She begs Mal to take her off the moon with him. Mal refuses. She says she won't cause trouble, and offers to be holed up in one of the crates. Mal shoots the ground near her feet, indicating his desire that she shove off. She sticks out her tongue at him. He shoots again. She starts to grab her bag and leave, then offhandedly mentions that she had "the perfect crime" lined up. Mal isn't interested. She goes into detail about how it would be a "big-time" score that "practically robs itself." Oh, gigs like that? They never work out. Ever. When somebody tells you it's the perfect crime, that's your cue to run away and never look back. Mal insists that she go away. She continues to walk toward him, asking, "I'm handing you a fortune on a gold platter, sweetheart. Don't you want to hear the details?" Mal responds by pointing his gun right in her face.
- 1
- 2
- 3
- 4
- 5
- 6
- 7
- 8
- 9
- 10
- 11
- 12
- 13
- 14
- 15
- 16
Credits. Yeah, while you guys were all guarding the sky, they went and pulled the rug out from under you.
No commercials. I feel cheated somehow. We return to the standoff. Monty is confused. He wants to know why Mal's got a gun pointed at Bridget/Saffron. Saffret. There we go. Mal insists that Saffret isn't Monty's wife. Saffret suddenly kicks the gun out of Mal's hand. Mal grabs Saffret's arm and disarms her. Then there's all the punching and kicking and throwing and wrestling. Eventually Saffret and Mal end up rolling around on the ground, trying to choke each other. Monty grows tired of the fighting and finally yanks the two of them up and apart. He demands to know what's going on. Mal tells the whole tale about how Saffron had tricked Mal into thinking she had married him and then tried to steal Serenity. Monty's all, "Saffron whoooooo? Married whaaaaa?" Damn you, Djb! Everybody at TWoP Towers is going to be mimicking him mimicking Mrs. Garrett for the rest of our lives. After Mal's done with his exposition, Saffret declares, "You're a liar, Malcolm Reynolds." Monty then points out that he hadn't yet told her Mal's name. Oops. Plus, she was the one who pulled the gun first. I mean, duh. Anyway, that jig Saffret's got is up.
Cut to Monty's ship taking off. Saffron has been left on the ground with Mal. Monty hurls invectives at her through the ship's speakers before taking off. Saffron spits back something in Chinese ("Go father some lesbian couple's children!"), then starts going through a sack of her belongs that Monty tossed off the ship. Mal pulls a gun on her and orders her to take her hand out of the bag. She says she's not going for a weapon as she pulls out a tube of lipstick. Mal grabs her lipstick and tosses it away, pointing out that she used the cosmetics to knock him out once before. Mal searches her for weapons; annoying double entendres ensue. Saffron tries to worm her way back into Mal's heart. Unfortunately for her, Mal's had all his shots and he's not interested. He orders her to walk away in some random direction. She points out that she'll die if Mal abandons her on this "lifeless moon." Mal doesn't care. She asks him why he simply doesn't shoot her. He points the question back at her as he nurses a nosebleed, noting that she had the drop on him at the beginning of the fight. Saffron asks if Monty and Mal fought together during the war. They did. I have this suspicion that, had this show continued, there would be a constant parade of guest stars who fought with Mal and Zoe during the war. It probably would have ended up like on The Practice, where every client was a close friend of one of the partners. Anyhow, she says that she recognized their connection and realized that if she had shot Mal, she would have lost Monty anyway. Of course, she could have never drawn the gun in the first place and been all demure and made Mal look like an idiot. She begs Mal to take her off the moon with him. Mal refuses. She says she won't cause trouble, and offers to be holed up in one of the crates. Mal shoots the ground near her feet, indicating his desire that she shove off. She sticks out her tongue at him. He shoots again. She starts to grab her bag and leave, then offhandedly mentions that she had "the perfect crime" lined up. Mal isn't interested. She goes into detail about how it would be a "big-time" score that "practically robs itself." Oh, gigs like that? They never work out. Ever. When somebody tells you it's the perfect crime, that's your cue to run away and never look back. Mal insists that she go away. She continues to walk toward him, asking, "I'm handing you a fortune on a gold platter, sweetheart. Don't you want to hear the details?" Mal responds by pointing his gun right in her face.
Cut to Serenity landing at the rendezvous point. Mal climbs onto the loading dock to be greeted by Jayne and Kaylee, who are surprised by Mal's beat-up mug. Jayne asks him if he got into a fight with Monty. Kaylee's all, "But we like Monty, don't we?" Zoe and Book happen to be nearby as well. Zoe points out that they do like Monty, and if Mal had gotten into a fight with Monty, they'd be searching the dirt for Mal's teeth. Mal tells them all he doesn't want to talk about it as he heads up the stairs to the catwalk. Wash comes down the stairs to tell him that Inara was looking for him, and overreacts to Mal's injury. It's a bloody nose. It's not like he had his ear cut off or anything.
Cut to Inara's Shuttle, which I'm thinking runs on Unresolved Sexual Tension at this point. She's practicing a tea ceremony to make sure she does it good and proper before her clients do her good and proper. Mal enters and asks what's going on. She invites him to sit down and have some tea. Mal's UST meter goes off the charts and he's all, "It's not sweeps, yet! We can't do this now!" Well, no. But he's suspicious of Inara's motives, because she never invites him over to the shuttle for tea. Inara, incidentally, is wearing too much make-up, and her hair's too straight. Mal says, "UST. UST UST UST. UST!" Inara responds, "UST? UST UST UST. UST." Once they get all that out of the way, Inara finally gets to the point: She hasn't had a client in three weeks. Mal keeps taking them all to backwater places. They bicker about the nature of Mal's job. Plot? Heeeere Plotty, Plotty! Are you hiding in the cargo bay? Where are you, little Plot? Please come back. I'm getting so very bored. This argument merely serves as a reminder of how tentative, contrived, and generally ridiculous Inara's continued involvement with Serenity is. We all know that she hangs around because she's wet for Mal. We figured it out in the first episode. Around that time we also figured out that River was psychic, and look how long it took to progress anywhere with that storyline.
There's more UST as Mal wonders if Inara thinks that he's deliberately trying to sabotage Inara's work. Inara asks if he is. Mal says that the idea is crazy, and blathers on about taking her to the planet of rich, hygienic men. Ooh, take me, too. She points out that not all of Mal's work is illegal, and he points out that now she's trying to sabotage his work. I wish I could feel something for two characters who deliberately entered into a business relationship that hurts them both and knew it, and then proceeded to bitch about it in every single episode, but…no. Kiss, don't kiss, whatever. We get it. Neither of you wants the other one to pursue a life of crime or prostitution. We get it. Consider it gotten. Now go screw your brains out already. Inara teases Mal because their latest jobs haven't been all that great. Their last shipment was a score of geisha bobble-head dolls. I shudder to think that bobble-head dolls still exist 500 years from now. They bicker and get UST all over some more, and then Inara calls Mal a "petty thief," which he takes offense to. She's apologetic, but says Mal hasn't pursued any "serious work" in some time. Why the hell does she care? Okay, does she want him to pursue "serious" crime, which will likely make it even harder for her to get clients, or does she want him to get easy work at a huge population center? Make up your mind, Geisha McJudgy. Mal starts to explain something to her, but thinks better of it.
Hello, little Plot? Where are you? Are you raiding the space fridge, maybe? Are you reading porno mags with Jayne? Hello? Plot? Oh, Mal has locked you away in a storage container. No, wait. That's Saffron. Well, fortunately, she brought the Plot with her. Mal lets her out and says, "All right. Tell me about this job of yours."
Still no commercials. We return to a brief shot of Serenity soaring through space. We see a picture of the victim of tonight's escapade, one Durran Haymer. Saffron is explaining to the crew in the dining area that Durran is one of the biggest collectors of "Earth That Was" (oh, how I hate that too-precious name) artifacts around. He's got warehouses full of stuff, but his most valuable artifact is in his parlor. It's called "The Lassiter." It's one of only two original prototypes for the modern laser gun. Uh, their modern laser gun. Not ours. Our modern laser guns are good only for drawing nipples on people or pointing out fat thighs. And then we get to the part where we explain how evil Durran is because we have to justify the crime. Remember, Mal only victimizes people who deserve it. He's not so much a gray hat as an antique white one. It turns out Durran was a bioweapons expert in the Alliance, and during the war, he would use his weapons to wipe out all the people in a town while leaving their goods unharmed. Then he'd take whatever he wanted. Now he's set up in some fancy-shmancy private estate on Bellerophon. Saffron tells them all she's got Durran's schedule and security codes for the eighteen months. Zoe looks skeptical. Mal says that Saffron's idea is that they stroll right on in and take it.
Wash says he's confused. Saffron assumes that Wash is wondering why she doesn't just walk in and get the gun herself if she's got the code. No, that's not it. Wash wants to know why Saffron's even on the ship, since she tried to kill them all last time. Dammit, Wash! We had found the Plot! We were moving forward! There was rising action! Why'd you have to send us all back into the land of Unnecessary Exposition? Fortunately, Mal has gotten as tired of the repetition as I have, and blows off Wash's concerns. Then Jayne smacks the table, as he's suddenly "inspired" with a question. Then he asks the question that Saffron herself brought up to Wash. Okay, Jayne's coin landed on "stupid" this scene. We'll just go with that. It turns out the gun is "tagged and coded," whatever that means. If it passes through the doors, alarms go off. Nobody asks why the tags or codes can't be removed. Saffron says that she can't get it out herself. She tries to say that she's going to need partners, but that's Geisha McJudgy's cue to stride purposefully into the dining area to call them all "idiots" and "dupes" if they go along with Saffron's plan. Mal throws Inara's words back in her face and asks her if she's got a better gig for them to pursue, one that's not "petty." Inara mutters something in Chinese ("God, I wish my character made any sort of sense at all") as she clomps right back out of the room. Kaylee chuckles at the encounter. Even she sees the UST. And when Kaylee sees the UST, it's time to start making out already.
After Inara's gone, Kaylee grabs some discs that have the estate plans on them and offers to look them over to try to find a way to smuggle the gun out. Mal asks Zoe what she thinks, since she hasn't said anything this whole scene. Zoe says it would be a good plan, if they're sure they can fence something so well known. Saffron says she's got a buyer already lined up on Persephone. Zoe gets up and walks over to Mal and Saffron as she points out that Inara's not wrong about Saffron -- she can't be trusted. Mal says they won't have to trust Saffron -- he'll be there the whole time. Yeah, because nothing bad ever happens if Mal's present. Hell, usually he's the cause. Saffron smirks and says, "See there? All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is get over it." Zoe says, "Hmm. Okay," then levels Saffron with a punch to the jaw. Then she says she's in and strides out of the room. Interestingly, for once, they don't explain the whole background that Zoe's pissed that Saffron knocked out Wash in their last encounter. And they don't really need to. They should have more moments like that, and less of everybody telling us three times that Saffron tried to kill them all and steal their ship.
Oh, look! There's Simon and River. My God, it's nearly halfway through the episode and their subplot is just getting started. Jayne has joined them in their quarters so we can get some additional UST between him and Simon. It looks like Simon fell into The Gap and has abandoned the shiny vests entirely. A shame, that. I liked the vests. Jayne drops off some foil food packages for the Wonder Twins and explains that Mal wants them to stay in their quarters for the duration. He's worried that Saffron would turn the two of them in for the bounty if she figures out who they are. Simon mutters that the bounty on them keeps getting more exciting. Jayne says, "Oh, I wouldn't know." River declares, "She's a liar." Jayne says that doesn't exactly make Saffron different from the rest of the crew. River repeats, "She's a liar, and no good will come of her." Jayne says, "Well, as a rule, I say girlfolk ain't to be trusted." Why am I suddenly imagining Jayne with his own little Mr. Hat puppet? River smirks and tilts her head as she says, "Jayne is a girl's name." Jayne takes offense to this and threatens to show River that he doesn't have girl parts. He even sticks a hand down his pants. Simon pretends that he's disgusted at the idea of Jayne showing him his parts. He's not very convincing. Jayne pulls a deck of cards and snarks that he was going to leave them behind as well, but takes them with him when he slides the door to the quarters shut.
After Jayne leaves, Simon sits on the bed and mutters about "more adventures in sitting." River mentions something about being afraid, but Simon assures her they'll be fine. River clarifies that Jayne's the one who's afraid. Simon is amused at the idea that his favorite strapping man-ape gone wrong would be afraid. River says that Jayne's been afraid "since Ariel. Afraid we'll know." Simon's smile fades to concern as he puts two and two together, and, unlike Jayne, comes up with four.
Elsewhere, Zoe and Inara run into each other on a catwalk because they can never get enough exposition. Zoe gives Inara their timetable. Inara reveals she's got some clients on Bellerophon. Well, then, what is she bitching about? Oh, right: UST. Nothing you do makes any logical sense when you're trapped in the thrall of the UST. It creates conflict for no reason in order to live. UST: the Big Bad of television writing. Actually, there is a reason for all this, we find out later, but the reason is stupid. Saffron happens by and hides behind a door to spy on the conversation. Inara is certain that Saffron is lying about everything and that Mal is going to get burned. Then she figures that Mal deserves it, because, you know, Mal hardly ever gets burned during his cockamamie schemes. Inara tells Zoe to be careful, because, you know, she's normally so casual about everything. I think the Plot has run off again and is hiding behind the washing machine. After the two women wander off, Mal calls Saffron back from some hallway to come help him with something.
Time for another A-Team/Alias mission briefing. Bellerophon is actually a collection of high-tech islands floating over an ocean. We get a lovely CGI shot of the area that looks very cool. It would also make a great desktop background. I'm just saying. Wash explains to everybody that there's a ton of security and access cards and codes, et cetera. Saffron pipes in that they already have that access information. Why is Wash doing this briefing? He's the pilot. Is he that desperate for lines? Anyway, he explains that Mal and Saffron will approach Durran's estate in the ship's shuttle. We get another lovely CGI shot to illustrate what's going on. So it turns out that Durran is holding a big party, because -- of course. Just because Durran was described as extremely paranoid and evil not ten minutes ago doesn't mean he doesn't know how to throw a good hootenanny and have hundreds of strangers cavorting all over his estate full of very ill-gotten gains. We see shots of folks on the grounds of the estate putting up the decorations. We see Mal and Saffron wander among them with their "cover" -- two handfuls of long-stemmed flowers. Mal and Saffron make their way to the back door. Saffron uses the security info she's gathered to get them in.
Kaylee takes over the briefing to explain that the Lassiter is in the back of the house and they'll have to disable some security stuff to get there. She repeats the part about them not taking the gun out any doors, because it's "tagged" for the scanners. Again, nobody mentions anything about removing the tags. They figured out everything they need to know to disable the security system…except for the tags. But if they did that, we wouldn't find out the meaning of the episode title -- which, believe it or not, doesn't directly refer to Saffron. Kaylee's brilliant idea to get the gun out of the house is to toss it in the trash. Kaylee explains that the trash chutes in all the estates lead to a garbage bin located on the underside of the islands. A robotic drone comes by and periodically takes the dumpsters hanging from the bins away somewhere to destroy the contents. There's another nifty CGI shot to show how the drones work. They really used quite a bit of the special effects budget this episode, but without overdoing it. Saffron thinks Kaylee's plan is "Brilliant. Except it's stupid." She points out that it takes a mere thirty seconds for the drones to drag the bins away. Kaylee, though, thinks that she can reprogram the garbage bin and have the drone take the dumpster somewhere else, rather than the disposal center. Like somewhere out in the desert, so that they can pick up the gun later. While Mal and Saffron are getting the gun, the rest of the crew will deal with reprogramming the garbage bin.
Cut to a shot of Serenity floating up underneath the garbage bin and hovering. Jayne and Kaylee clamber out onto the roof of the ship. Wash holds the ship steady, which apparently takes a lot of effort. Doesn't this ship have some sort of auto-hover button or something? Kaylee and Jayne make their way further up to the top of Serenity and attach some anchoring wires to the ship in case they fall. Jayne then orders Wash to take them up closer to the bin. Wash complies, and gets them into position. His proximity alert on the ship goes off. He's like an inch away. That is the worst proximity alert ever. No wonder ships keep getting the drop on them. And no wonder other people treat Firefly-class ships with disdain. If you think about it, Serenity really does kind of suck. But I do find it amusingly realistic that they're attached to it anyway.
Inside, Mal and Saffron wander down a hallway with steel walls and elliptical windows to emphasize that we've really entered into the sci-fi part of this space Western. They carefully make their way through some doors.
Wash continues to struggle to hold the ship steady. I can't believe there's no auto-hover or anything.
Outside, Jayne and Kaylee fight the wind to pull some memory boards out of the side of the garbage bin holder so they can reprogram it. They're also going to upgrade the processor speed, so the dumpster can play Warcraft III online without massive slowdown. Just in case the dumpster gets bored hanging around under that island all the time.
Back inside, Mal and Saffron make their way into the right room. They still have the flowers, like those are going to be believable alibis at all if they get caught at this point. As Mal wanders into the parlor, we see a phone booth from our era on display on the side. There's a baby grand piano over on the side too, although I don't think those have gone out of style. I mean, they had classical performers at the snotty ball in "Shindig." The Lassiter is in a special display with all sorts of high-tech lights and such indicating security. I like that the gun is very boxy-looking, which is what you would expect from a prototype. Mal gets to work bypassing the security, while Saffron lazily wanders off to look out a window and watch the show's special effects budget go flying by.
Back at the ship, the worthless proximity alert continues to go off, as Kaylee finishes reprogramming the memory board for the garbage bin. She hands it to Jayne, who with some difficulty pushes it back into place. Unfortunately, Contrivance has set a little booby trap. Jayne touches something he's not supposed to and gets a nasty shock, which knocks him back onto the ship and out cold, dreaming of shirtless doctors with pretty mouths. His body starts to slide down the side of the ship, and Kaylee rushes over to try to stop him -- without much success, what with him being twice her size.
Back inside the estate, Mal continues to fiddle with the lasers and widgets protecting the Lassiter. Saffron suddenly hears somebody coming. Mal rushes to put the security panels on the Lassiter back in place, just as Durran himself comes striding in. He sees Mal first and points and yells, "You!" Then he notices Saffron. His face changes and he declares, "You found her!" as he rushes over to give Saffron a great big hug. "You brought back my wife!" he declares. Heh. I'll admit that I wasn't expecting that.
When we return from the non-commercial break, Saffron and Durran are still hugging. Behind Durran, Mal mimes hitting Durran over the head, presumably so they can escape with the gun. Saffron shakes her head no. Durran continues to hug.
Back on the ship, Book earns his paycheck by helping drag Jayne back into the ship. He declares that Jayne weighs a ton. Zoe helps as well. Simon arrives, and Zoe tells him he's got a patient to see to. "Yes," Simon says darkly. "I'll take care of him." Dun dun dunnnnnnn!
Back in the house, Durran is still marveling over Saffron's return. He seems to think that Mal has brought her back for him. Mal plays along. Durran declares that Saffron is "the only thing [he] truly treasure[s]." He also seems to think that her name is Yolanda. Durran offers a reward. Mal declines, but Saffronda improvises that she promised Mal money. Durran insists on paying, and blathers away for a bit, perhaps indicating that Saffronda's story about him being an evil mass murderer is a big lie. They blather some more. Durran wondered what happened when Saffronda disappeared. She makes up some nonsense about being kidnapped and sold into slavery. Mal interrupts periodically to indicate that he was involved with neither the kidnapping nor the slave trading. Durran doesn't care. His world has been redecorated by Laurie Hickson-Smith, and it's all Saffron as far as he can see. Except that he seems to recall that Saffronda disappeared the same day as Heinrich, the estates security programmer, and they were both young and he saw them talking…but then they found his body. Oh, Saffron. You and your wacky cons. She's such a scamp! Durran says they never stopped looking for her. Saffronda fake cries and says that thought is what kept her alive. Mal rolls his eyes. Saffronda kisses Durran. Mal indicates that it's time for him to go. Durran insists on getting his reward first.
After Durran leaves, Saffron's all business again, of course. Mal points out as he continues working on the Lassiter's security system that Durran doesn't seem to be in the running as the future's equivalent of the First Evil. They argue about whether or not Durran swallows kittens whole. Then Mal begins speculating as to why Saffron didn't take Durran down when she had the opportunity. He theorizes that perhaps she actually likes Durran and wants him to think well of her. He thinks that perhaps Saffron sees Durran as her "real" husband. As he says this, he releases the Lassiter from its security devices, turns around, and sees that Saffron has a gun pointed at him. Sigh. He must have known she'd do this, right? His facial expression suggests otherwise. She says, "Congratulations. Anything else you want on your tombstone, you piece of crap?" Pepperoni and mushrooms? Sorry. That was too easy to resist.
But then Durran walks into all of this and looks confused. Mal heads over to Durran's side, putting him in the line of fire, and spills the beans. Saffronda just stands there holding the gun, trying to convince Durran that things aren't what they seem, as Mal backs down the corridor behind Durran and drops the gun into the trash chute. I haven't the slightest clue why neither Durran nor Saffronda tried to stop him. Durran just looks at Saffronda sadly. She angrily declares, "Don't look at me like that!"
Underneath, Zoe and Kaylee are struggling to finish what Jayne had started. Neither of them is six foot four, so it's a bit problematic. Adding to their difficulty is the fact that Mal just pushed the button that summons the garbage drone. Kaylee can't reach. Zoe comms Wash that they need to be up a little more. Wash struggles to make it happen. What's the big deal if the ship touches the garbage bin holder or something? It's not like they care if Serenity's finish gets scratched or something. The island isn't moving. The ship isn't moving. There isn't going to be some sort of explosion if they bump. Kaylee finally gets the card in, and Zoe pulls her down a second before the garbage drone would have crushed her as it docked with the garbage bin.
Back inside, the stand-off to decide whether love can triumph over greed continues. Greed seems to be winning, but then Mal pulls out a gun from the flowers they brought in and trains it on Saffronda. Mal orders her to drop the gun. She complies, eventually. So apparently disinterest triumphs over love and greed. I've always suspected as much. Saffronda has nothing but bitter cynical words about Durran's hope that she would stay on the estate with him. She calls him a "rutting fool."
Back on the ship, Zoe comms to Wash that they're all back aboard. Wash steers the ship away from the island, as the garbage drone flies off in a different direction.
Back inside, Durran continues to wear his hurt puppy look as he tries to figure out what's going on. Saffronda tries to get Mal involved by declaring that he's her husband. Mal shoots back, "Well, who in the damned galaxy ain't"? Durran says he feels sorry for Saffronda. Saffronda points out that she's not the one getting her stuff stolen. She says, "If you had half a brain, you'd have called the feds the minute you saw me." Durran responds, "Oh, I did." He has a ring with some emergency signal. He tells Saffronda that he loves her, but he didn't really think she'd actually come back to be with him. Sirens go off as a couple of Alliance ships land at the estate. "Men," Saffronda declares. Yeah, it sucks when they don't trust you anymore, because then you can't take advantage of them.
Non-commercial break. When we return, Saffronda tries on her best seductive baby voice and begs Durran to call off the cops. She promises to do "anything" he wants her to. He tells her she's embarrassing herself. So Saffronda resorts to her usual stand-by -- a roundhouse kick to the temple. Ouch. Mal points out that the cops will arrest them both, so they've got to run.
Man, even the street patrolmen of the Alliance have to dress like bellboys. That must suck. A bunch of bellboys head inside. Mal encounters one in a hallway and beats him up. He and Saffron make it through a doorway before a couple of other bellboys hit them with their sonic CGI guns. Mal and Saffron make it out the back door, and Saffron does some sort of jury-rigging to the security system outside to lock everybody in. They fight off two more bellboys on the way back to the shuttle, but make it and take off.
Ugh. Just in case we don't get it enough, Mal and Saffron have to have some "little girl lost" conversation. She sits there in the shuttle as Mal blathers on about how she must have been really hard up to pull a gig on a guy she actually cared about. She says she actually tried. She thought that Durran was a decent man and maybe things would work out. She thought money and a good man would make her happy, but it didn't. Mal brings up Heinrich. She insists she didn't kill him. Of course not. Saffron's hat is grayer than Mal's, but it's still not black. And that's how they justify letting her escape or not get killed at the end of her appearances. People die because of the stuff she does, but since she didn't actually kill them herself, it doesn't really count as evil. She mutters that she should have killed Durran. Mal points out that she'd be killing the only guy who knows what she's really like, but still cares about her. Saffron starts to cry, and tells Mal that he must be loving all this. Mal shakes his head no, then says, "Yeah, a little bit." He says, "I've seen you without your clothes on before," and I mentally complete, "I never thought I'd see you naked." What a cheesy, stupid line. If anybody ever said that in my presence I'd laugh my ass off. It's like something a college sophomore would say. Saffron asks if people can ever change. Mal says it depends on the person. He thinks that when the pain fades, she'll go back to being the way she is. Saffron asks what kind of person she is. Mal describes her as a "brilliant, beautiful, evil, double-crossing snake." So buck up, little camper! This is as good as it gets! He tells her to cheer up because she just made a ton of money today. She asks him if he'll tell anybody she broke down. He won't. In return, she promises not tell anybody how easily she got Mal's gun from his holster. Actually, it took her less time the last time they met. Oh, that's not what she meant. She meant his weapon. Saffron's in charge again. She declares that she played Mal with the whole "little girl lost" thing, but of course, it's not true. Everybody knows it's not true. She'd probably join the cast if this show made it to the third season. She decides she's going to leave Mal off in the desert, and orders him to take off his clothes. As he undresses, he says he doesn't see the point of this whole exercise, because even though she's got the drop on him, she'd never catch his crew "with their trousers down."
What's that, Ironic Segue Fairy? You have work to do? Bless your little heart. A burst of magic Ironic Segue Fairy dust (don't breathe too deeply -- it's been shown to cause cancer in lab rats) sends us back to Serenity, where Wash is discovering that the ship won't turn. Kaylee, Wash, and Zoe rush down to the engine room, where they discover that Saffron has stuffed a widget inside the turbine. Kaylee can fix it, but they have to land the ship and won't make it to the garbage bin drop-off location.
Cut back to the desert -- and Nathan Fillion's ass. Saffron flies off in the shuttle as Mal and his ass call her names. Hey, the naked ass shots worked for John Doe, didn't they? Didn't they? Hello?
And we're dumpster-diving with our lovely Saffron. She's found the garbage bin at the rendezvous point and is searching through the banana peels and coffee grounds for the Lassiter, without luck. She's covered with yuck. She gets all pissy because the gun's not there. Behind her, on a small rocky outcropping overlooking the dumpster, Inara asks, "Looking for this?" as she points the Lassiter at Saffron. Inexplicably, Inara is dressed like a faux-Arabic princess with a headdress and veil and everything. Did she go through the trash in that get-up? She wonders if the gun actually works, and pulls the trigger. It doesn't work. That's okay -- Inara brought a real gun, too. Saffron asks what the hell Inara was doing out there. Inara explains that it was all part of some "plan." As part of the plan, Inara has a big hissyfit and tells Mal that Saffron couldn't be trusted and then storms off in a huff. Then she waits at the rendezvous point in case Saffron backstabs Mal. Which she did. She adds, "What, you didn't see it coming?" No. I didn't see it either, and now I want to know who's going to clean this big pile of bullshit off of my living room floor. Half of the fights that Inara and Mal had took place outside of Saffron's presence. Not to mention all the fights they've had every single episode anyway. And why the hell they thought they had to "fool" Saffron is beyond me. They could have not had these allegedly fake "fights" and that pointless scene on the catwalk with Zoe and still had Inara wait at the rendezvous point, which would have had the added benefit of not bringing the plot to a screeching halt every ten seconds during the first and second act. Fooling the audience is only interesting if there's a good payoff. This isn't a good payoff. This isn't a payoff at all. But I'll save most of my ire about this kind of writing for my recap of "The Message," when crap like this actually results in tragedy. Anyway, Saffron tries to climb out of the dumpster, but Inara won't allow it. Inara blathers some more about how the crew played her, and then she uses some sort of remote control device to shut the dumpster's lid, trapping Saffron inside.
In Serenity's infirmary, Jayne is regaining consciousness on the table. He's got a whiplash collar around his neck. Simon is standing over at a nearby counter, writing in his journal about how he had Jayne at his mercy, but couldn't bring himself to do naughty things to him. Jayne asks what happened. Simon explains that he was knocked out. Jayne asks if they got the payoff for their crime yet. Simon looks annoyed and asks Jayne if he can move his arms or legs. Jayne looks a bit concerned and confused when he discovers he can't. Simon explains that Jayne hurt his spine in the fall, so Simon gave him something to block his motor functions so he wouldn't hurt it when he woke up. It will wear off in half an hour, and Jayne should be fine, except for some bruises. Jayne asks if that means his spine is okay. Simon asks, "How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?" Jayne looks horrified, and tries to lie that Simon's talking "crazy talk." Simon is insistent in knowing how much Jayne was offered. Jayne groggily shouts out into the corridor outside the infirmary, "Anybody there?" River peeks her head into the room from the corridor. Hee! "Anybody else?" Jayne asks. Hee. Simon points out that Jayne is in a dangerous line of work and will likely end up in Simon's care regularly. And that's not even counting the times that River's actually the cause. Jayne looks like he's expecting some nasty threats. But actually, no. Simon takes his oath seriously and promises that no matter what plots or insults or whatever Jayne does, Simon will never ever harm him. Because he lurrrrves Jayne! Jayne looks terribly confused as Simon explains that they're all on the crew together and blah blah blah. Adam Baldwin's facial expressions during all this are hysterical. He's still not quite sure if Simon's for real, and is torn between embarrassment and fear.
Simon says, "Now, we could circle each other and growl, and we could sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me." Who in his (or her) right mind would grow weary of the idea of wrestling and sleeping with Jayne? Who, I ask? Who? Simon injects Jayne with something and says, "I don't care who you are, where you're from, don't care what you did, as long as you love me." Okay, so it's not quite the Backstreet Boys, but Simon does say that he doesn't care what Jayne's done in the past, or who he is -- Simon's going to trust him. He suggests Jayne do the same. He says he doesn't see "this" (relationship?) working any other way. Then he walks out of the infirmary. After he leaves, River peeks in again and tells Jayne, "Also, I can kill you with my brain." Jayne looks as though he believes it. You know, I was a little disappointed when I read this confrontation in the script, but now that I've seen it, this was probably the only response that's truly in character with what we know about Simon. Also, Sean Maher did a really good job with the scene. A lot of other actors would have played this scene in a snotty, superior tone (shut up, Wesley), but Sean went for an understated approach and came off far more genuine. He doesn't act like he's doing Jayne a favor by not getting his revenge. Now, I can only wonder what might have happened when Simon finds out that Mal also knew what Jayne did.
And we're back to the naked. We repeat the opening scene from the episode. It turns out he's not talking to himself after all. Inara walks up to him and asks, "You call this going well?" Honey, the guy you lurrrrrve is sitting there naked. Since you can't seem to actually speak your mind (stupid UST!), this is as "well" as it gets for you. Mal points out that they got the gun, so it worked out fine. Inara points out that Mal got stranded naked. Which makes me wonder how the hell she found him in the first place. Of course, that's not answered. Mal says that this was all according to their plan. Inara points out that her little "performance" was meant as a fail-safe in case everything else went wrong. Which it did, of course. Because Serenity flies under the banner of rule of Murphy's Law. Mal pretends that this was exactly the plan. Oh, and we get another shot of Nathan's ass. It's okay. Sorry, Nathan doesn't make me go (Eeeeeee!). He turns away from Inara (who checks out his ass), and it turns out that Serenity has landed right there as well. Mal heads up the landing ramp and barks out orders to the crew, still naked. Everybody looks at him like, "You do realize you're naked, right?" He stands there naked at the top of the loading ramp and stares nakedly out into the desert. Naked. Finally, he presses the button to close the ramp and declares that it was a good day. I think he likes the naked a little too much.