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By Shack

We blur in from soft-focus to Mal's unconscious face. Eventually he wakes up. Did Saffron kiss a cameraman, too? Why was the lens out of focus? Everybody except for Kaylee and Jayne are down there. Mal wonders what happened. Zoe explains that Saffron was a plant. Simon explains that Saffron probably used a "narcotic seal" spread on her lips. One kiss and out you go. Zoe teases Mal for kissing Saffron. Simon adds that he used to see guys brought into the ER all the time on the nightshift for this very thing, unconscious and victims of robbery. The roofies of the future. Book observes, "Well…isn't that special?" No, it isn't. Now shut up. Mal asks what happens to Wash. He was merely kicked in the head. Zoe is proud of her man for not falling for Saffron's wiles, because not cheating on your partner is a great accomplishment and not the very least we would expect of our loved ones. Inara is lying over in the corner of the room. She claims that she came down and found Mal, and then she fell down and hit her head like Wash. She didn't kiss anybody. Not at all. Everybody ignores her. Mal asks what the ship's status is. Everything is shut down. Jayne and Kaylee are working to get the door to the bridge open. They're heading somewhere, but it's not Beaumonde. Simon tries to give Inara some medical assistance, but she insists she doesn't need any. She just fell and hit her head is all.

Mal heads up to the bridge, where Jayne has taken a blowtorch to the door. Mal wonders what Saffron was up to. Book: "Besides molesting innocent captains?" Stow it, preacher. Mal: "You wanna stow it, preacher?" Exactly. Zoe wonders why she would just take the shuttle if she were capable of flying the whole ship. Wash says something dumb. Jayne finally gets the door open and they all rush into the cabin. There's a brief shot of River just to remind us that she's still on the show, even if she doesn't do a thing this episode. Not that I'm complaining.

Cut to Wash and Kaylee, looking over the wiring and admiring Saffron's handiwork. Saffron moved maybe three wires around, but that's apparently enough to screw up the ship's systems for quite a while. Everybody argues. Kaylee points out that it was Mal's make-out session that got them in this situation. Jayne says, "That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth." Everybody stops for a moment to stare at Jayne. That line reminds me of a naughty saying about Marines, but I'm not going to repeat it. I've heard plenty of assurances that it's true, though. Kaylee observes that Saffron really knows her ships. Inara pipes up that she knew more than that. Based on her seduction techniques, she's certain that Saffron has had companion training at the Academy. So the Academy trains space hookers and does human experiments? Maybe River was an attempt to create a psychic prostitute, who could use her powers to determine the best way to "satisfy" her clients. And in the future, I guess women have totally lost their ability to be seductive without special training. Mal asks Inara how she knows about Saffron's techniques. She reveals that Saffron tried to seduce her, too. Mal stammers for a few seconds while waiting for his mind to stop blowing and asks if Saffron got anywhere. Inara gives him a "This is not the letters page of Space Hustler" look and says that she didn't. Mal blathers about how any guy would have kissed her under the circumstances. Zoe points out that Wash didn't. Mal says, "But she was naked! And all…articulate." Can we get back to the damned plot please?