Girlfight

The long-awaited Spring Premiere begins with scenes from earlier in the season, which document Molly and James's turbulent relationship and his drug problem. Then we see the gang making merry at a holiday party held in the girls' dorm apartment until the gun-toting James crashes the party and fires a shot into the crowd.

In the minutes after the shot, which are filmed in hand-held-jerky-vision, Sean and Tracy run back into the apartment through the open door. Knoll yells, "What happened? What happened?" Sean, who is out of breath, pants, "We lost him, we chased him down Broadway. Is anyone hurt?" Sean runs down the hall and asks Felicity, as he passes her, whether anyone was hurt. Felicity runs into another room and asks Molly, who is sitting on the floor, whether she is okay. Molly moans that it's all her fault. Felicity says it isn't -- but in my opinion it is, at least in part. Felicity asks Molly where Ben is, and Molly says he's in the other room. Felicity runs in to find Ben hovering over a young woman who is stretched out on the floor; he is stanching the blood flowing out of her abdomen. He commands Felicity to call an ambulance. She calls 911 and reports that there's been a shooting. Elena walks in holding her arm and tells her to ask for another ambulance, because she was shot, too.

Ben is still with his patient. He asks her name, and she tells him it's Avery. He tells her to keep breathing and looking at him. Ben and patient seem remarkably calm. They're likely both in shock.

Avery is strapped onto a stretcher is wheeled out of the apartment with Ben following, as Felicity looks on with her mouth hanging open. Ben climbs into the ambulance and holds Avery's bloodied hand. She removes her oxygen mask and croaks, "Please take me to a good hospital." The paramedic says they'll take good care of her. Ben asks him how she's doing, and the paramedic indicates that she's doing well. Ben repeats that to Avery, who tries to smile. She laments, "I just bought this dress." Ben says that she looks nice and tries to engage her in a conversation about her holiday plans. He tells the paramedic, "Hey, her hand's gettin' cold, man. What does that mean?" The paramedic instructs him to keep talking to Avery, and then adjusts her IV bag. Ben keeps yammering about fishing and Florida and Avery appears to be listening intently. We hear the sound of Avery flatlining; Ben asks what's going on. The paramedic says, "She's in defib. Move your hands!" While the paramedic is shouting, "Clear!" we're treated an extreme close-up of Avery's face, which appears impassive with every bolt of electricity which zaps through her. What is it with WB shows and close-ups of clinically dead people with their eyes open? At least this time I didn't start sobbing like when Joyce died onBuffy the Vampire Slayer. That hit a little too close to home for me, having seen one of my parents die at home yet still have open eyes. Anyway, this is where the scene ends. Cut to the credits.

Sean is interviewing Ben, Felicity, Knoll, Molly, Elena, and Tracy individually for his Docuventary. They each sit on a stool in front of a grey backdrop. Ben whispers, "She died in the ambulance. She looked at me and she died." Felicity says, "It just feels like a bad dream. You hear about things like this happening all the time, but, not...not to you -- not to people you care about." Knoll weighs in: "You know when a, a plane crashes, uh, how you see people on the news, who're, uh, supposed to be on that plane, but because of, like, horrific traffic on the way to the airport, didn't make the flight? Well, that's...that's what happened, except it wasn't...it wasn't traffic. It was, um, yeah, my shoe. [removes shoe and holds it up] Yeah, the laces were untied, so I bent down to tie 'em, and I guess the bullet whizzed right over me and, and Avery was standing behind me." Back to Ben saying, "Then they used that thing on her heart. They shocked her heart and she came back." Sean comments, "That's really amazing," and Ben remarks, "It's more than amazing." Molly, who is on the verge of tears, explains that the police caught James less than an hour after the shooting, hiding behind a dumpster, and that now he's in prison. Tracy talks about not wanting to go to Africa after the shooting, but says that Elena was "adamant," so he's planning to go. Elena describes herself "as the lucky one" because she was only hit in the shoulder. Molly says that she's going back to England for a while, because "it's the best thing to do right now."

Fade to black with a super which reads, "Three Months Later."

Still in Docuventary format, Javier is putting together a large and unwieldy floral arrangement. He cites Charlton Heston's and the NRA's old saw that "guns don't kill people, people kill people." He likens it to stating that "butter knives don't spread butter on bread. People spread butter on bread." He concludes that, while it may technically be true, it's still a stupid thing to say. Chuck Heston also probably says stuff like, people don't wear bad wigs, bald heads wear bad wigs. I couldn't agree more with Javier, who thinks that the only things that should have pistols are flowers. ["Except flowers have pistils, so it's a joke that doesn't work as well in print." -- Wing Chun] Sadly, that's the only glimpse of Javier and his wisdom that we get in this episode.

Elena is at the apartment and wearing a tank top, which doesn't reveal any sign of her injury. She tells Sean and his unstoppable videocamera that she only had to wear an arm sling for a few weeks. At first, she thought she'd never feel safe again, but she's taking a self-defense class now and she tells Sean that she could kick his ass now. ["I think she could have probably kicked his ass before, too." -- Wing Chun]

Felicity walks into the apartment, and Elena jumps out at her, lets out a Miss Piggy "hi-yah," and drops Felicity to the floor. Felicity implores her to stop attacking her, but Elena explains that if Elena had been a burglar, Felicity would be dead by now. Felicity asks Elena to let her up, and Elena says she won't until Felicity promises to take the self-defense class. Felicity says that she'll take the class when she has time, but that, at the moment, she's facing a very important deadline. Elena asks if it's more important than her life. Felicity claims that she has work and school and Knoll -- who's facing "an existential crisis" -- to deal with. Elena blah blahs about how empowering the class is, and that maybe Knoll's problem is that he "needs a good flipping over." Heh. Yeah, I'd prescribe a flipping for Knoll so long as it was Chow Yun-Fat who administered it.

Felicity phones Knoll, who is reading at the loft. ["He's reading Sartre, no less. Get a life, Knoll." -- Wing Chun] She tells him that "Morrison called [her]," and that they "have to get Pet Store done." She left out the "Loser," which is the most important part, in my opinion. ["And they don't have to finish jack because Icebox.com went out of business a few months ago." -- Wing Chun] Knoll whines that he doesn't feel like working. Felicity announces that they have to get it done, so she's going to come over later to work on it. Knoll groans, "Fine." He hears a knock at the door and hangs up on Felicity. I wish Knoll could hear my mother give one of her "you want to whine? I'll give you something to whine about" speeches. He opens the door, and the young blonde woman standing there says that she's looking for Ben. Knoll most ungraciously grunts, "Yeah?" The woman tries again and asks whether Ben lives there. Self-centred Knoll responds, "Depends how you define 'live.'" Blondie gamely asks whether she may leave a message for Ben. Knoll says, "Pen on the table. Close the door." Blondie comes in and sits at the table. She has a small gift-wrapped box with her. Ben parks himself back on the sofa. Blondie writes a note and asks Knoll to tell Ben that "Avery Swanson" came by. The realization that this is the woman who actually took the bullet floors Knoll. She's able to be polite after surviving being shot and Mr. Didn't-Even-Sustain-A-Flesh-Wound can't carry on a conversation. Go figure. He tells Avery that she's the reason he's "laying there," because ever since the shooting, he's been going over it in his tiny mind. If any of you readers ever again have the nerve to ask me why I don't like Knoll, please refer to this scene. I know his type. In another ten to fifteen years he's going to be having the first of many serial mid-life crises. This is someone who, under no circumstances, should be indulged. In the middle of imputing blame for his sloth, he thinks to offer Avery a chair. She insists that she's okay; in fact, she can stand on her own again, and she likes to do so. Knoll demands, "Since that night, does it all seem pointless to you?" I think she might have been justified in saying that it hadn't until she met him. Instead, she smiles serenely and says, "That night reprioritized everything for me. Gave me new purpose." Knoll manages to say, "Really." All through the scene I was trying to figure out who Avery looked like. I realized that it wasn't just one person but a composite of Portia de Rossi, Amy Smart, Teri Polo, and Courtney Thorne-Smith. While those women are all somewhat attractive individually, put them together and you get someone who looks remarkably like a drag queen. Avery is wearing a scarf over where her Adam's Apple would be. I'm just saying.