Previously on Felicity: Julie met a cheesy record label executive named Eric, and Sean was suspicious of Eric's motives. Way back at the beginning of the season, Sean advised Ben that Felicity was falling in love and Ben should get out while he still could. Felicity kissed Knoll goodbye as they both left for Christmas break. I'm not sure why they showed that last part since Felicity and Knoll didn't even have any scenes together this episode, but maybe they felt obligated to show the very last scene of the episode.
We open, as usual, with Felicity dictating a letter to Sally, over a shot of the interior of an airplane. Felicity tells Sally that her father is coming to New York for a few weeks to teach a procedure at the University Hospital. We see Felicity and her father sitting on the plane. Dad tries to make small talk about the weather while Felicity reads a book. There are a lot of awkward silences. Get used to it; this is the episode of awkward silences. Felicity mentions that she had a great time over break. Her dad replies, "Your mom really enjoyed having you there," which is a weird thing to say. Why wouldn't he say, "I enjoyed having you there" or "We enjoyed having you there"? I guess it goes to show that Felicity and her dad have a somewhat strained relationship. Hence, the awkward silences. Anyway, Dad says he's glad that Felicity likes the telescope he gave her, and he reminisces about a great astronomy class he took as an undergrad, and wonders if Felicity could take a similar class. Felicity says she really loves her schedule this semester, and that all her classes look great but oil painting in particular should be "amazing." Dad awkwardly changes the subject by asking if they're going to bring coffee around and looking for a flight attendant. Just then, the plane shakes and the "Fasten Seatbelt" bell dings, and the pilot announces turbulence ahead. Okay, I got it. Turbulence ahead. It must be caused by having to dodge falling anvils, because then Felicity tells us, "That pilot had no idea how right he was." How dumb do the writers think we are, anyway? Don't answer that.
Now, we're at Dean and Deluca. Felicity's dad walks in and buys a cup of coffee, and Felicity tells us that it's the third time he's been there in forty-eight hours. Felicity tells him that she's going to check on her oil painting class, and then she'll call him later. He wishes her luck and leaves. As he's walking out the door, Ben is walking in. He tells Felicity that Javier redid the schedule. While Ben walks behind the counter, a customer asks Felicity for a coffee refill. Apparently, Dean and Deluca doesn't believe in complete refills, because she only fills the cup like halfway. Maybe she's leaving room for cream or something. It still seemed a little cheap. Ben comes out of the back room and asks if that was Felicity's dad, and Felicity explains what he is doing in New York. Ben notes that the two of them haven't worked together since "the last millennium." I always hated those jokers who had to say, as you were leaving work or school on December 31st, "See you year! Haw!" And now Ben is one of them. At least the writers spared me the by now clichéd discussion of whether or not it really is a new millennium, unlike Party of Five, so I'll let it go. Anyway, Felicity and Ben banter for a while about how they have forgotten what it's like to work with one another, and there is clearly still sexual tension there. I guess because Ben is smiling, Felicity asks him if he got a raise. Ben says he is just excited to start the new semester because it's like starting over, and that swim season starts this week. Woo hoo! Ben in swim trunks! Sorry. Felicity goes to get register tape and they keep looking at each other like they're going to do it right there on the counter or something.
Ben and Sean are in a grocery store. Ben tells Sean he was wrong. Sean is dejectedly looking at condiments and agrees that he was wrong because "Smoothaise was a pipe dream." Ben says that he meant Sean was wrong about Ben and Felicity, and he gave Ben poor advice when he told him to dump her. Sean can't believe Ben thinks it wasn't great advice, because Sean thinks it was the greatest advice he's ever given. Ben says Sean doesn't know what he's talking about "as usual," and that since he listened to Sean, his life has gotten worse. Sean points out that Ben was the one who got involved with a married woman, which Sean would have "advised against had [Ben] bothered to ask [him]." Ben says he tried to ask but Sean was "too busy drooling over Julie." Thank God someone finally called him on that! Sean acts like he doesn't know what Ben is talking about, but he also won't let it drop. Ben says that Sean is in love with Julie and he won't tell her, so Ben feels like "an idiot for listening to your advice." Ben grabs a box of cereal and stalks off, and Sean grabs a different box of cereal and follows him.
Felicity is walking down the hall in slow motion, while we hear her start a new tape to Sally. I hope she picked up some extra hours at Dean and Deluca to cover the cost of all these tapes. She tells Sally about how she auditioned for The Wizard of Oz as a child and blah blah wanted to be Dorothy blah blah Mia Bono got the part blah blah Flying Monkey Cakes. Felicity stops and reads something posted on the wall and then looks disappointed, so we are to understand that she didn't get into that oil painting class. The professor of the course just happens to be walking out of the classroom right then, and Felicity stops him. I guess she thinks he will take one look at her hairstyle and outfit and somehow perceive her innate artistic talent and just let her into the class. He doesn't. Instead, he tells her to get on the waiting list. You know, most colleges and universities these days have electronic registration that automatically shuts you out if the class has reached maximum enrollment. And if there was some sort of screening or audition process, it seems like they would have let the potential students know before or during the break, whether they got in or not, instead of waiting for the first day of classes.
Remember a few years back, when there was that big brouhaha over the movie Three Men and A Baby? And the rumor was that some little boy had died or been killed on the set where they filmed the movie, and that during one scene, his ghost appears outside the window? Well, ever since then, I have called anyone who hovers over other people and always seems to be hanging around the Three Men and A Baby Boy. I promise this will be relevant in a moment.
Back to Felicity, standing in the hall, not believing that she didn't get into the oil painting class. Her father, who has become the Three Men and a Baby Boy of the University of New York, pops up and asks if she is bonding with her new professor already. Felicity confesses that she didn't get into the class. Her dad offers to make some calls, since after two days there he apparently has a lot of pull. Whatever. Felicity asks him to please refrain from making any calls on her behalf. Then she ditches her poor father, who may be annoying, but doesn't know a soul in the city, to go find another class to take. Once again, she claims she will call him later.
Knoll is standing up in front of a class, pacing and talking to a sheet of paper. Oh, apparently, he's supposed to be the teaching assistant for this Philosophy class, even though he's a Graphic Design major. I'm kind of glad though, because I don't know that I could stand watching Knoll pontificate on the glories of his iMac. As the camera pans across a bunch of students, we see that Ruby is in the class. Knoll makes a lame joke and excuses the class. Ruby runs up and tells him that he did a great job. Knoll fishes for compliments. Ruby gives them. Then she points out that he talked a little too fast. Knoll thanks her for the constructive criticism. Ruby goes on to say that Knoll should have given more eye contact. Okay, I know Knoll's fragile little ego can't take the heat here, but she's totally right. He didn't look up from the paper once. Instead of thanking her this time, Knoll kind of nods and starts to look pissed. Ruby doesn't notice and volunteers that Knoll should ask questions to make the lecture more interactive. Knoll blows up at her and says that it was the first class and that he can't ask questions when he doesn't even have a topic. Ruby says she was trying to be helpful and Knoll apologizes. He claims he wants to be "challenging, yet inspiring," but from what I've seen, he'll be lucky to hit "yawn-inducing, yet incomprehensible." Ruby reassures him that he will get there, and they leave.
Julie and Felicity are putting together the telescope in Felicity's room, while Elena is sewing something. Felicity says that her dad gave her the telescope and insisted that she always wanted one. Julie shares that her grandmother is always giving her really weird presents like "porcelain dolls" when she was fifteen. Boy, these girls are really grateful for all they have, aren't they? Felicity says that her dad is only going to be there for a few weeks, and she can handle it. Elena notes that it is the third time she has said so in five minutes. Elena is wearing the most god-awful purple and red peasant blouse. They must have borrowed it from the wardrobe department of Buffy. Felicity admits that having her dad so close is a disaster and Julie says it would freak her out to have her own dad around all the time. Felicity wants to be able to come and go as she pleases, and do whatever she wants. Elena says, "Yeah, do some of that wild partying you did last year." I love Elena. I forgive her for wearing such an ugly shirt. Felicity says she feels like her dad is always looking over her shoulder. (See, he's the Three Men and a Baby Boy. I bet if they looked out the window right now, he would be hovering there.)
Julie tells Elena she should be working on the telescope because she is pre-med. Elena points out that she uses microscopes, not telescopes, and refrains from adding, "Duh!" which I totally would have done. Felicity asks Elena what she is doing, and Elena shows her the stuffed animal she is making for her cousin's friend. Julie points out that the "frog thing" only has three legs. Elena already knew that. Meghan walks in and says, "Oh, a telescope. So, you're going back to stalking?" She pauses, and then adds, "By the time I get back, my bed better be empty." Then she leaves. I hope that Amanda Foreman makes good money playing Meghan, because she was just more interesting in two minutes of screen time than Julie has been all season. Felicity says that having her dad there, coupled with not getting into the oil painting class, has thrown off all her plans for the semester. Being the anal-retentive type, I know just what she means.
Meghan and Felicity are asleep in their room. The phone rings, but neither of them moves. The answering machine comes on and someone from the Dean's Office starts leaving a message for Felicity. This motivates Felicity to pick up the phone, and we can tell from her end of the conversation that her father called to try to get her into the oil painting class, but she's still not in. Felicity hangs up and then gives an exasperated sigh.
Ben is swimming. Mmm, Ben swimming. He gets out of the pool and towels off. Mmm, Ben towelling off. The swimming coach comes up and Ben asks him when the schedule will be posted. The coach says there isn't going to be a schedule because the university dropped the swimming program. Can they do that? Right in the middle of the year? Wouldn't they have known the budget in advance? Why do I look for things like consistency and logic in television programs? Anyway, the coach then says he tried to place the swimmers in other programs like "Columbia and Syracuse." Hey, that was clearly a shout-out to me! I live in Syracuse! He could have said any of dozens of other universities that are less than five hours from New York City. The coach tells Ben he's sorry and wishes him luck.
Cheesy Eric the record label guy is going over Julie's contract. There is just something about this guy that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it's because his mouth is always slightly open. Anyway, he tells Julie that the label will cover the costs of recording three demos, which never happens in real life. Julie says she thought she would still be playing at Epstein Bar when she is seventy-five. Eric assures her...wait, does anyone really care about their lame, semi-flirtatious banter? This whole scene is so stupid, and these two have zero chemistry. Suffice it to say that Julie doesn't know how to thank Eric, and he suggests dinner. Julie clearly wants to say no, but doesn't quite know how to do it without acting weird, so she agrees to go.
Knoll is lecturing again, still looking at the paper the whole time. He really does a good impression of a distracted professor. He asks the clearly bored group of students what the difference is between Hobbes and Locke. Ruby keeps pointing at her eyes to try to get Knoll to make eye contact. Knoll further alienates the students by saying, condescendingly, "This is pretty basic stuff, guys." Gee, even if I had planned to hazard a guess earlier, I definitely wouldn't now! Knoll sees Ruby's frantic gestures and thinks she wants to answer the question, so he calls on her. She says she can't remember. Knoll starts to give the answer, in a really snotty tone, and then tells them to turn to Chapter Thirteen. I hate him. ["Plus, I'm sorry, but the difference between Locke and Hobbes can't really be boiled down to a single Teacher's Edition textbook answer, so Noel (no surprise) just needs to get over himself." -- Wing Chun]
Julie is looking into the now assembled telescope, and Felicity suggests going out to check out used CDs. Julie says that the view in the telescope looks like a giant eyeball, and Elena walks by and points out that she has the lens in backwards. Felicity opens the door to leave and says, "Don't worry about the telescope. I'm never going to use the thing anyway." As you probably guessed, the Three Men and a Baby Boy is standing right there and Felicity is so busted. He offers to take the three ladies out for lunch, and they accept. As they are leaving, he tells Felicity she can return the telescope, but she says she didn't mean what she said.
Julie, Elena, Felicity and Dad Porter are eating lunch. There are lots of the aforementioned awkward silences. Dad asks Elena about her classes, but that is quickly over. Felicity tells her dad to ask Julie about her demo, like that's not weird. Why wouldn't she just say, "Julie, I was telling my dad about your demo. What's the latest?" I swear, these people have no social skills. So, Dad asks Julie about her demo, and Julie answers, and then they all sit there. Dad asks Julie if she's a music major, and she says no, and he says he thought they had to declare their majors by the end of the semester. Instead of pointing out that the semester just started, and that it's none of Mr. Porter's beeswax, Elena shows some grace by saying that most students change their majors multiple times before graduating so it doesn't really matter. Then there are more awkward silences.
Felicity and her father are walking near a building on campus, I guess. Dad says that they can have lunch together more often. Felicity stops walking and Dad asks her what is wrong. She says he called the Dean, even though she specifically asked him not to do it. Dad says he thinks it was pretty nice of him to call when he didn't even want her to take art classes in the first place. Felicity says, "Everything's feeling a little claustrophobic," and admits that she's not okay with him staying in NYC. Dad says that it's because the hotel is too close to campus. Felicity says it's not that, and as soon as her mom moves there they will be having weekly dinners and going shopping. Her father interrupts to say her mother is not moving there -- in fact, they are separating. Felicity looks stunned. Dad says he was supposed to wait until her mother arrived to tell Felicity. They've been talking about it for a while and then he got the offer. Felicity says, "You chose a job over mom?" Dad says, "This was your mother's decision." Felicity can't believe it and asks why. Her father says he doesn't know, and that they wanted to tell her together. I have to say, Keri Russell did a good job with this scene.
Felicity is on the phone with her mom and keeps asking how she is doing to see if she will tell the truth about the separation. In a voice-over, Felicity tells us that she doesn't know why she didn't tell her mom that she knew. Her mom was trying so hard to sound normal, it was heartbreaking. Now we see that Felicity is talking into a tape recorder, and she continues by saying that a week ago, she was home playing Scrabble with her parents, and things made sense: "Now everything feels like it's come loose, like nothing was tied down tight enough."
Felicity is cleaning up at Dean and Deluca late at night when the Three Men and a Baby Boy enters. He asks if she's okay, and if she wants to get together after work for coffee. Felicity says she has to study, and her father leaves. Ben heard that last part, and walks up to Felicity and tells her they should close up early and get out. Felicity says they shouldn't, but Ben smiles his bad boy smile, and Felicity agrees.
Cheesy Eric is talking to Julie about writer's block and creativity in her apartment. She says they should go, and Eric leans in for a kiss. Julie rebuffs his advance, saying that her overprotective roommate will be home soon. Eric asks if that's the only reason for stopping him. Julie admits that she's worried he isn't really interested in her music, and is using it to get to her. Eric says if she has doubts, he will wait until her first album goes platinum to kiss her. Julie says that could be a "really long time." I guess that's true, if by "really long time," she means "never." Eric says he'll wait.
Knoll tells Ruby that they have to leave to catch the movie. Ruby says she isn't going because she has to study. She continues, "I don't want to be humiliated by my TA again." Ooh, burn. Knoll says she must be joking. It must be nice to be so in love with yourself that you can have that kind of confidence. Ruby says that nobody in class knew what he was talking about. Knoll says it was "in the reading, which [she] obviously didn't do." Could he be any more sanctimonious? Let he who has never gone to class unprepared cast the first stone! ["Word. Plus at least Ruby didn't mess around with her TA's son's girlfriend, unlike some geological protrusions I could mention." -- Wing Chun] Knoll says that no one was answering, and Ruby asks whether his solution was to pick on her. Knoll thought that Ruby might help. Ruby says she was trying to remind him about making eye contact. Knoll says he was in the middle of a lecture, and that she doesn't know what that's like, and it's "very intimidating, especially when the class doesn't prepare." Ruby slams down her book and stands up, yelling, "For your information, I did do the reading," but that she choked when he called on her because she got nervous, and she's sorry she's not smart "like your brainiac ex-girlfriend." Then Ruby leaves and I hope Knoll felt bad.
Some guy is studying a driver's license, and then looking at Ben. The picture on the license looks more like Tony Shalhoub than Ben. He must know this, because Ben starts "Buying Beer with Fake ID Ploy #256," which is "Make small talk with your friends, as if you are not the least bit nervous." I would also like to point out that by all rights the guy should proof Felicity also, since she looks all of twelve years old. Not that I've ever hid outside the store while my friend with the fake ID bought alcohol, mind you. But I've heard stories. Anyway, the guy decides Ben passes muster and sells him some beer. Ben and Felicity go down some stairs to a door that's broken. Felicity worries that they're going to "get in trouble and get fired." Ben says that Javier won't even know they left early. Felicity starts giggling and Ben asks her what's up. Felicity points out that Ben always calls him "ha-vee-AY" when it's actually pronounced "ha-vee-AIR." Yeah, that's hilarious. Ben asks if she wants to go back, and Felicity says no, and Ben opens the door. They enter a big room and Ben goes to turn on some lights. Turns out it's the pool. Felicity mentions that she can't believe the ID worked. I can't believe that they needed two six-packs of beer for two people. I mean, Felicity never drinks, and how many does Ben need, really? Ben says his ID always works, and he opens a beer for Felicity and one for himself, and they toast to "ha-vee-AY." If Ben's humor arsenal consists of stale millennium jokes and mispronouncing the name of his boss, he better not quit his day job for the comedy circuit any time soon.
Sean is watching television when Julie arrives home. He asks her where she was, and she tells him she was out with Cheesy Eric. Sean asks where, and Julie tells him to get bent. Actually, she tells him they went out to dinner, but I don't see why it's any of his business. Sean decides it's time to make his big move, and asks Julie if they can talk. She walks over, but before he can profess his love, he notices her contract. She hands it over and Sean says, "Three songs -- that's amazing! And, no nookie?" Julie gets all insulted and says no. Sean apologizes and says he was wrong about Cheesy Eric. Julie says that Eric actually thinks she's talented. Sean says he knows she's talented. This gets Julie's attention, and she asks what he wanted to talk about. Sean tells her to forget it.
Ben is down to his underwear, or they might have been swimming trunks. It's hard to say. Felicity is behind him, taking off her pants and telling him not to look. Ben says that they shared a bed, but Felicity says it was a long time ago. Ben counters with, "Not that long ago." Felicity dives into the pool wearing her t-shirt and underwear. The dialogue during this part is really inane. All you need to know is that they are flirting like mad. There are many shots of them underwater. Ben does a cannonball into a lap pool, which doesn't seem wise. Felicity does a special trick, which turns out to be a handstand. Ben asks about Felicity's dad, and she says she doesn't want to talk about it. At one point, Ben swims by and his underwear is sliding down and I swear, I saw his butt. Not that I was looking. I just keep thinking what a bad idea it is to swim alone, while drinking, and I'm sure that they are going to crack their skulls on the bottom of the pool. That is how I know I am an old lady. Later, they sit on the diving board with five empty bottles, and of course a security guard comes in.
Now they are in the Security Office (or so the handy sign on the wall tells us). The guard asks them if they know how much trouble they are in, for breaking and entering and underage drinking. Ben tries to take the blame but Felicity says she didn't have to go with him. They look at each other as if that was a meaningful statement. Maybe it refers to their summer trip -- she didn't have to go with him? The guard gives them a look, like "Stupid kids." Ben says, "I'm sorry," and Felicity says, "Don't be." Ben can't believe she did it.
Felicity walks into her room to find Meghan on the phone, talking about her major. It turns out that Meghan is talking to Felicity's dad. Felicity takes the phone, but says she will call him back later. Meghan says the telescope rocks, and that she's been watching the psychos across the street. Felicity asks her if she's ever had a feeling where you see a different side of your parents, and they stop being parents. Meghan says, "Yeah, they become..." and Felicity finishes, "...people." Meghan says she learned that when she was five. Felicity tells her what just happened at the pool and notes that she is in real trouble, and that she might even get expelled. Meghan says that maybe Felicity's life will finally get interesting.
Ben comes home to find Sean still awake. Sean wanted to tell Ben he was right about what he said in the market. Ben thinks Sean is referring to his advice about Felicity, so he starts telling Sean how they broke into the pool and got caught, and that he hasn't had that much fun since last summer. Then Ben goes on to say that he's been stupid and that the fling with Maggie was just "a lame reaction to following your bad advice." Sean thanks him sarcastically, and says he was actually referring to Ben's statements about Julie, and asks if he should say something to her soon. Ben says he should, and asks where Julie is now. Sean says she is sleeping, after "a great time with that music jackass." Ben laughs.
Julie is running across the street with her guitar when she gets hit by a bus. Oh wait, that was last season and it was Todd. Julie makes it to the recording studio where a helpful tech informs her that Eric has a reputation as quite the ladies' man. Julie is so shocked she forgets to put on her headphones. I refuse to devote any more time to that storyline. Thankfully, they cut just before Julie was going to start "singing."
Ruby hears a knock and opens her door. It seems like no one is there, but then she sees a three-armed frog talking to her. Of course, it's Knoll. Ruby says, "What is it?" and Knoll says, "A peace offering." Ruby says, "No, I mean, what IS it?" and Knoll looks at it and says he doesn't know, but Elena made it. Ruby says it's cute, but she's still mad. Knoll apologizes and says he got lost up there. Ruby says that he is a great TA and he tells her that she's a brainiac. Nice to see a relationship based on lies, isn't it?
Felicity walks down the street, and then she's in a restaurant with her father. Her dad says her mom won't forgive him for telling Felicity about their separation. Felicity says she talked to her mom on the phone, and didn't let on that she knew, so her mom can tell her when she gets there. Felicity also apologizes for what she said previously. Her dad asks her how the library was last night, and Felicity says it was okay, and that she got a lot of studying done. In a voice-over, she says she didn't want to tell her dad about the pool, or "that I'm in trouble, because he's in trouble too. I guess we both are." Then it says "To Be Continued," as if all of these episodes aren't continuations of the ones. It's just a lame marketing attempt to get you to watch week's super-special episode.