After 16 days, we learn that weight loss, while personally satisfying, doesn't mean diddly because the marchers still face "punishing" daily mile-goals at every turn. Matt's knee isn't getting better. Will and Anthony hate each other. Wendy's a slacker. And the weather is turning nasty. Just your average feel-good reality TV show. Cue the Fat Marcher Sign.
As Day 17 dawns, the marchers take off from Milford, CT -- "A Small City with a Big Heart!" Lorrie informs the marchers that Stage Three will take them from the trails to the Times -- Times Square. The marchers cheer, hoping they won't have to mount tents in the middle of Broadway.
Today, Steve announces, they will walk 12.7 miles. The responses range from "Wow" to "You're the devil" (Chantal, natch). Anthony, the biggest loser in nearly every way, brings up his 37-pound weight loss, saying he feels "lighter on his feet," which should allow him to get through the walks faster. For all the other leadfoots, though, Steve and Lorrie note that it will be a hot day, so they all need to stay hydrated. Is that Foreshadowing peaking its little head out from behind yonder bush?
Oops, spoke too soon. Foreshadowing is hanging out by Wendy; she admits she's thought about quitting many times. She says, though, that she doesn't want to quit until she loses her goal of 60 pounds. And then? Anvilicious editing, courtesy of a Steve post-production VO, gives us some indication that Wendy is at risk. Loralie says she's nervous about Stage Three "for some of our more vulnerable team members."
Shots of the glaring sun and heat waves are accompanied by pounding music. Lorrie explains they marchers have walked through all terrains and now changing seasons. Honestly, I think the producers should thank the fossil-fuels reapers and aerosol companies of the world for causing global warming because, without it, Fat March would barely have a leg to limp on.
And my predictions from Episode One re: Wendy as the group whiner are beginning to come to fruition. She walks, screaming that she can't feel her feet and calling the march "pure Hell." Anthony, ever the empathizer (watch for this later), says she can't go home, then turns it on her, saying that she should just up and quit if she's going to make idle threats and lower morale. Because he's a motivator and a steadfast believer in all the marchers, Steve brings up Wendy's slacking in Stage Two and says they could sense more of the same at the beginning of this stage.
Meanwhile, Matt's actual physical problem -- a hyper-extending knee -- is relegated to the B plot. Lorrie affirms that he's a strong athlete and "keeps powering through."
At the end of the day, with nearly 163 total miles completed, the marchers lie on the ground. They wilt even as the flowers flutter in the breeze and bloom thanks to all that sweet, sweet sun. Oh, ironic nature! Then Chantal describes the 12.7-mile walk as a "primal scream" -- one she feels compelled to act out. If I ever have to go quid pro quo with Hannibal Lecter, these are the screams I will recall. Clarice Starling's precious lambs ain't got nothing on Chantal. Except for, I guess, their silence. Chantal, I'm sure, will never be silenced.
The marchers commence a "punishing" 13.7 miles en route to Bridgeport, CT. Somewhere, in a dark room, it is someone's entire job to scour Thesaurus.com for different ways to verbalize the monotonous and repetitive task of placing one foot in front of the other. I pity the fool. Steve describes the heat as unbearable as they quick-cut shots of the marchers reacting to their pains, including Chantal bending over like she's going to hurl. Note to editors: You already made us sit through the primal scream; please spare us the upchuck visual.
Matt and Will walk together. Matt says he thinks of Will as a little brother, and looks out for him. Meanwhile, Will introduces his new strategy: Someone (i.e. Matt) should always walk with Will if he has fallen behind with him toward the end of each stage. This way, it'll be pointless to vote him off because everyone will still have to make up time with Matt. It's a somewhat brilliant, yet brazenly self-serving strategy. Matt says he's game. Anthony, patron saint of generosity, points out that Matt takes care of Will, yet Will gives nothing back. It's a fair point, but Anthony is absolutely the worst person to convey it.
Elsewhere, Steve interviews that he's concerned about Wendy because she's not stretching, hydrating, or eating right. Cue the requisite ambulance-per-episode. Steve attributes Wendy's downfall to anxiety, dehydration, and fatigue. Anthony and Lorrie come upon the scene as EMS carts Wendy off on the stretcher. Lorrie says Wendy's departure signals her failure as a trainer. Ultimately, Wendy's brief exit is no big deal. By the end of Day 18, she's back at camp. She looks busted but is otherwise okay.
The bad news? She has to make up six miles. So, Wendy begins Day 19 with Lorrie, who interviews that Wendy's 17.5 miles is the most a marcher's had to complete in one day. The others were lucky (smart?) because they had the luxury of passing out right before the challenge days. Let that be a lesson to you, fat marchers: You can't just pass out any old time you feel like it -- you need to pick and choose when you lose consciousness. Anything else is just strategically reckless. As they walk, Wendy seems to agree to pretty much everything Lorrie says. Her silence is eerie. A storm is surely brewin'.
Another day has passed, and the marchers ascend a staircase in Saugatuck, CT, 187.9 miles away from Boston. Mike ascends the stairs like Rocky, but most of the power of this visual allusion is lost since there are actually only about four steps. It's like mimicking Sisyphus by toting a tennis ball up a knoll.
As they wrap up their walk, Wendy's actually doing a bit of a slow jog and seems pretty invigorated. She zens, "If you push yourself through hard things, they get easier. But if you quit while they're hard, you'll never experience the benefits of what you would've experienced if you'd finished." Lorrie smiles as Wendy embraces the power of positive thinking. Whether it's because Wendy's actually getting it or because now Lorrie doesn't have to feel like a big, fat failure (no pun intended), I'm uncertain. Now…if we could just hear more from Zendy and less from Primal Scream Chantal, we could all smile, too. As the pair reach Saugatuck, the team cheers for Wendy. Lorrie confirms my cynical suspicions, noting that Wendy finishing was "What I need as a trainer. It was fulfilling. It was euphoric. It was everything that it's supposed to be."
But this is Fat March, and no victory can be met without a small, stupid counter-act of cruelty. Thus, it's time for another temptation challenge! The marchers approach a table covered with carbolicious treats. And seriously, how many times to we need to be reminded that fat people like fatty foods? The marchers are just straight-up pissed now, as they should be.
Loralie in her glasses and pigtails looks more like a good little schoolgirl than ever as she robots that of course she wants a donut, but they're being tested on their willpower. For real, though, this is ridiculous. I'd allow myself a donut if I'd just walked 190 miles. Wendy parrots, "I can't have those, those are not on my diet," and Steve makes a stabby finger-pointing gesture and growls, "Now you're talkin'!" It's kind of a scary, surreal exchange.
You can tell that no one is actually pleased that they get the moral of the story. It's moments like these in which I -- were I a marcher -- would be counting down the days until I could finish the march and say au revoir to all that healthy crap forever, just to spite those mean-mean-meany trainers. Chantal interviews that she GETS IT and that she can't have the donut. Self-satisfied Lorrie says they were proud of this progress as we see blue-tinted memories of Chantal's last abysmal failure when she ate half a slice of pizza. That was the stuff of Shakespearean tragedy, I tell ya.
Because she's not a droid, Jami Lyn protests, "One donut? Is it gonna kill me?" She interviews she's not ready to say goodbye to "one donut…or two donuts…or three donuts…or a dozen donuts." Okay, that's a little overboard, but even the binger makes more sense than the trainers right now. Jami Lyn takes the donut. Ha! Before she can take a bite, though, Steve places it in context -- she's going to have to walk about four miles to burn off that donut. To which I would have responded, "I'm pretty sure I'll be forced to do that in about eight hours anyway, so suck it, Blondie." Jami Lyn takes a bite of the donut, and you can tell it's totally worth it because she immediately gets orgasm face. Why? Because DONUTS. ARE. DELICIOUS.
Sensing an impending coup de donut, Lorrie dumps the rest into the fire. Jami Lyn interviews that "a piece of me died," then tries to rescue a donut from the fireplace but is physically restrained by the others. To be sure, she undermines her credibility with these moments, but the whole donut-stravaganza scenario kind of merits it. At the end, though, the mean-mean-meanies have won. For now…
Time for another challenge! And there's water! On the beach, Steve makes the payroll of the Connecticut Offshore Fishermen's League by extolling the health benefits of shellfish. Today, they'll split into teams of two, then net and rake clams. That's even pretty lame for Fat March. The prize: A stay at a hotel and spa, including a healthy gourmet dinner and full-body massage. Okay, now we're talkin'.
After everyone else gets to choose their partners, Chantal and Will get paired up by default. Chantal interviews, "Probably my team is the weakest team -- but not because of me. I got Will. He's the fattest one. America, I'm a bitch." At least she's aware. Chantal just won half a point with me. And I'm on Weight Watchers, so points are precious things to me.
The challenge begins. Suffice it to say, it's boring as all hell, save for an unfortunate slo-mo Chariots of Fire run, a mini-montage of Chantal being a bossy boots, and a victory for Loralie and Sam -- the only team to actually figure out the game. Mike also throws in a nice food-related kicker to his defeat, saying that he and Jami Lyn "had enough [clams] for an appetizer, but that was about it." Heh heh. Sam and Loralie claim their prize. They excitedly jump on their beds. After all that sand, I sure hope they showered first.
Back at camp, Zendy and Wendybot have both left the building, leaving a not-so-happy wood-carrying Wendy behind. Anthony decides he and Will need to have a stand-off. These are the least politically savvy people I've ever encountered. Anthony says Will needs to be more teamwork-oriented (though, for Anthony, teamwork and togetherness do not exclude making snipy comments behind everyone's back). He accuses Will of only being self-serving. Will reasons that he doesn't expect help from anyone, so why help anyone else? This philosophy can have practical applications. As in, "I won't eat your Cheetos, so don't nosh on my Nilla Wafers." But I don't think it's such a great foundation for a 575-mile walk with a bunch of people who hold your 70 grand in their hands.
Now that Anthony has gotten some dirt on Will, he tattles to Matt. Chantal calls Anthony out for trying to create problems. Unfortunately, Matt is taken in by Anthony's rabble-rousing. Anthony smugs that he will pass along rumors -- true or false -- to get a rise out of people. Now that's what I call teamwork!
By Day 21, the producers themselves must have started to realize how damn boring this show will be, so they add a condition to the march. The marchers now must walk 13 miles through Stamford, CT. The catch? Now there's a time limit -- 4.5 hours. In 92-degree heat.
As the team passes 200 miles, Lorrie and Steve wait to cheer them on. Wendy makes a big show of veering past the trainers to cross the street. It's a big ol' "Eff you. I quit!" She tells Lorrie she's over it and goes to church to pray. She comes out, and we watch as 20 minutes pass…then an hour…then 90 minutes, and she's still screaming and crying as Lorrie tries to convince her to stay. Lorrie finally admits defeat. And the bank's down to 70 grand. Wendy sits on a crosswalk sign (symbolic!) and looks truly happy (smug, really) with her decision.
Steve says that, even though the other marchers didn't actually know Wendy quit, they seem to have sensed it and it started a "chain reaction." Matt is walking solo for the first time because he's still pissed at Will. Matt sees the "Welcome To New York" sign and says, "Kiss my ass." Will, oblivious, woo-hoos at Matt to wait up, and Matt is all, "What? Do you want me to wait on you?" He spits out that he can't be held up by "Big Willy." Ha. Matt can, however, be held up by his own injuries. He stops with one mile to go for the day so that he can rest his knee and catch up later.
And Matt's not the only one who didn't finish that day. At the end of 4.5 hours, Anthony has 1.5 miles left, Will is three quarters of a mile behind, and Chantal has 1.25 miles left. She takes it the hardest because she feels her sacrifices and hard work are amounting to very little progress. Lorrie says that having four people not finish made that day's march more difficult than usual. Not coincidentally, all those who didn't finish were walking alone.
As they reach their resting point in Rye, NY, the marchers have walked 211.2 miles. Lorrie tells them that Wendy quit. Everyone is disappointed and angry that she quit. Not least Anthony, who may be realizing that he no friends. Zero. There's a Wendy montage, but it's awesomely denied any nostalgia, unless you count Matt's angry remark that Wendy can "carry her big, fat ass back to L.A."
Lorrie says that the marchers are not a team and that Wendy's departure affected them. Ding-ding! Time for another fat-tervention! Lorrie turns to Matt. He goes off about Will, and Will denies everything. But we get the playback to prove that Anthony, though having questionable motivations, was actually telling the truth. Matt matter-of-factly says Will can take what Matt said "like a man and accept it, or he can be a little bitch."
Despite the still-roiling fallout, the marchers must carry on. stop: New York City! They'll walk eight miles through Manhattan. Everyone's excited to return to civilization. Steve mentions all the food temptations, and Chantal comments that they were "like a bunch of drug addicts" walking through the fragrant, food-cart-filled streets. Trust me, guys, it smells better than it tastes.
Having successfully side-stepped not only Nuts 4 Nuts, but also $1 hot dogs, skewered meats, and rock-hard giant pretzels, the marchers finish Stage Three. They've walked 230 miles and end up amidst the hustle and bustle of Times Square. Despite being just another bunch of slow-walking, upward-gawking tourists, they get special treatment as crowds cheer and the promo for Fat March plays on the big screen. Anthony gleams that he felt "larger than life." They're renewed in their desire to make it to D.C. as a team, and do a group cheer.
At the weigh-in, the ladies maintain their slow, steady weight loss, while the guys continue to drop dramatically. Anthony keeps his title of Big Fat Loser by losing 18 pounds this stage (55 total). He says, "Everyone else is just kind of pathetic in comparison," but he's smiling and almost laughing. Methinks he senses his role as the official villain and plays it up to maintain his airtime quota. It's certainly working better for him than Sam or Jami Lyn, who have to be shoehorned into the show occasionally so we remember they even exist.
Most surprising is Matt's measly one-pound loss this stage. He attributes it to stress and lack of concentration. Steve asks if Matt's knee will hold out, and he says, "I don't know, I'm not a doctor" -- an apt retort, indeed. Lorrie tries to stoke the fire, asking Matt if he's in jeopardy of being voted off; he says no. What is it with the trainers all of sudden? This instigating doesn't enliven the show; it just makes them more obnoxious.
As they head into the vote-off, Steve mentions the forthcoming trying terrains. Metaphor? Lorrie suggests, "You really need to look at each other and consider who can make it to D.C." I thought the goal of Fat March was for everyone to make it to D.C. This episode, it seems the goal is actually to release ABC from its contractual obligation to give any money to the winners. Shea says she's not afraid to vote someone off because weak team members could cause her to lose all her winnings. This must be how the abrupt addition of walk-time limits will hamper them.