Previously on Fat March: R.I.P. K.I.M. Adios, Reverend Lovejoy. Your time with us was short, and you will be forgotten by the end of this episode, if not sooner.
The marchers begin Stage Two in Willimantic, CT. They will embark on a "hardcore" 11.5-mile walk today. We're treated to a close-up of Anthony's gargantuan foot blister. For real, you could probably set up timeshares on that thing. Everyone's feeling the pain, but Lorrie tells them they need to pick up the pace and pay attention to her and Steve's diet and exercise tips. And the eleventh fat marcher, Foreshadowing, lumbers through the mise-en-scène.
According to Steve, "This walk is taking its toll on everybody. Even people as tough as Sam and Matt are starting to struggle." Sam agrees that "struggle" is the operative word on the Fat March. As for Matt, his biggest setback is that his knee is busted, which could compromise his chances of getting to D.C. He has considered quitting but is afraid to set a bad example for his kids. He decides to swallow his emotions (because Lorrie and Steve are not feeding them much else, that's for sure).
By the end of Day 9, they're in Bolton, CT, and have completed 76.5 miles. But a new day with a new stretch of unforgiving hiking awaits, and they set out the morning for what Lorrie calls an "extremely challenging" 10.3-mile trek. She acknowledges that continuing at this pace is going to put "serious pressure" on the injured marchers, but they must continue. Because if they don't, where else will we get our Monday evening dose of bitching and conniving on network TV? Hell's Kitchen ended tonight, after all.
Matt's knee troubles continue, but he says most people don't realize it because he's keeping up with the group. As a means of artful contrast, the editors cut to Chantal, who has become the team showboat. Lorrie describes Chantal as "her own breed," saying, "She thinks she's got something that the rest of the team doesn't." We see footage of Chantal flouncing about and running ahead while everyone else walks like normal people, and Lorrie questions what Chantal is getting out of the experience.
And then we launch, guns blazing into tonight's major theme: Team Player -- To Be? Or Not To Be? Loralie says Chantal isn't a team player because she doesn't walk with everyone else. Matt, continuing to show maturity and strategic thinking, shrugs it off because he doesn't think Chantal will make it through the 500 miles if she keeps jogging around like a kid on Pixy Sticks. He actually encourages her to run ahead at one point. It's kind of awesome. On the other hand, we have Anthony, who is beginning to reveal himself as the requisite reality show bitch. He hrmphs that he's annoyed that she has to be ahead all the time.
Chantal walks and talks about how she is realizing how competitive she is, even though it's not a race. She says she's setting a race for herself so she won't become lazy. Then zany, silent-movie-style piano music underscores a montage of Chantal giving her sports bra a run for its money. In one clip, she's wearing the outfit of a crazy person (black stretch pants, calf-high boots, and a dark green knit cap -- actually, I think it's just the outfit of an Olsen) as she walks bow-legged and cackles about some joke that no one else is in on. To be fair to everyone else, they probably wouldn't find the joke funny even if they were able to visit the foreign terrain that is Chantal's brain.
Chantal describes herself as "what you see is what you get." This is obnoxious-person code for "I act like a jackass frequently, and I'll never change, so suck it." Cut to a shot of her jokingly (kind of) yelling at Shea, "Walk with the team, bitch!" She then says, "No, I'm just kidding," and gives her a passive-aggressive slap on the back in the sort of half-assed way that lets you know she's actually super insecure. You say Alpha Dog, I say Nut Job. Potato, po-tah-to.
Anthony continues his bitchery while chatting with Lorrie about how Chantal's pissing everyone off. As confirmation, we see an exchange of Chantal blowing the blooms off of a dandelion and telling Anthony her wish was that he would get voted off. Then she lets out a big, overblown chortle while she yanks at his backpack to pull him back so she can catch up to him. Real subtle there, Ellen Degenerate. Apropos of this, Matt points out that, for a comedienne, Chantal is not actually funny.
Back to conversation between Anthony and Lorrie. She asks if anyone has voiced the team's concerns to Chantal and he's all, "No. It's probably just easier to vote her out." Tough talk from someone who was sidelined on the second day. After this comment, Lorrie makes a face like, "Are you seriously going to forfeit ten grand because you're sick of someone's lame jokes?" Then she vocalizes this, but with bigger words. He counters, "When you're that crass, are you really worth the cash?" He may be a surly 26-year-old virgin, but he sure can turn a phrase. Then, for our benefit -- though Anthony could probably use this little talk, too -- Lorrie reiterates that the basic math of the march means the marchers gain financially by sticking together rather than engaging in petty power plays.
Chantal didn't get this memo yet, so she starts to unload on Loralie, who purposefully starts to trail behind. Seriously, these people can't stand Chantal. Chantal decides it's high time for a heart-to-heart with her teammates who hate her. Because those are always a good idea. Especially when everyone who hates you is tired and hungry after walking 87 miles in 10 days.
At the fat-tervention, Chantal gets the ball rolling. She says she thinks people have "misperceptions" about who she is, insisting, "I'm not a bitch." Everyone stares off into the woods. Not content with creating a situation rife with awkwardness, Chantal then proceeds to go down the line and ask each person what his/her grievances with her are. Chantal calls Anthony out for maybe having a problem with her, and he flat-out denies it. Loralie interviews that "nobody wants to look like the bad guy," but Anthony's actually just being a coward. Walk the walk, boy.
Chantal finally gets a response from Michael, who diplomatically admits that some of her comments have been inappropriate. Instead of apologizing, Chantal pulls the comic card and replies that she says things that are inappropriate because "that's just who I am." Michael is reasonably irked in a subsequent interview, essentially saying that he wants her to shut up and walk away so he doesn't have to deal with her. Anthony calls Chantal out for just trying to make herself look better in everyone's eyes by staging this bunk conflict resolution scenario. He suspects she's still in danger of being voted off. Granted, this is in Anthony's gossip-queen eyes, where it's worth ten grand not to have to listen to someone stupid's insecure comments. Though, to be fair, I haven't just walked 90 miles with Chantal.
Now that the Chantal drama has ridden itself down to the rims into Manchester, CT, today's 10-mile walk is prefaced by a lecture from Steve about nutrition. He insists that three small meals and two healthy snacks totaling 2,000 calories is all they need for the day. Cut to a shot of Will, the competitive eater, huffing and puffing. He's used to downing 2,000 calories in a sitting. It's his job, people. Will admits that he's ignored Steve's advice, and Steve and Lorrie walk with him and shame him for eating his food too quickly. They talk about him like he's not even there, like two upper-middle-class parents who are tsk-tsking their child for behaving inappropriately at the country club. Matt, who has real problems, takes time out from his own pain to admit that he's concerned about Will, who has now become the fattest fat marcher.
As they finish Day 11, Will must lean on Shea and Lorrie to climb up the top of a hill. He makes it, though. He, along with the rest of the team, has walked 96.8 miles, landing in Hartford, CT. Will interviews that it's been his hardest day, and back at camp, there is a sudden ruckus as Will starts to fade from consciousness. An ambulance rushes in and whisks him off to a nearby hospital. At this point, Lorrie says she's seriously worried that anybody will finish the march.
The day, at the hospital, Will explains that he doesn't have any serious health problems and can continue walking. As Will walks out of the hospital, Steve I-told-you-sos that Will passed out because he didn't follow instructions. Anthony claims Will "lacks the emotional maturity" and will find another way out of the march eventually. Need I remind you that Anthony's a 26-year-old virgin? Who was hospitalized on the second day? And he's lecturing others on emotional maturity and staying power?
Challenge Day is upon the marchers. The challenge involves "the celebration of water!" Will all the challenges involve water? Water torture, anyone? Steve prefaces that, since the marchers have now learned proper nutrition, they are going to start learning strength training and fat burning exercises also. Will won't do either, though, because he's been advised to rest for another day.
In the challenge, the ladies will be tested on speed and agility -- they'll fill buckets of water and carry them up a set of stairs to the men, who have to hold the increasingly heavy 16-gallon tanks as a test of their strength and endurance. The first team to reach 16 gallons wins. If no one can do that, the last team standing without dropping the container wins. The prize? A relaxing evening in a hot tub and a gourmet dinner served by Steve and Lorrie. Matt, having no doubt spent some time in an athletic Jacuzzi in his life, says that the whirlpool will "do wonders" for his knees. I, having also spent a little time in a hot tub during my life, say, "Big whoop."
The teams pair up. Jami Lyn gets first pick, and taps Matt. Shea chooses Mike. Chantal's with Sam (lucky him!). Wendy chooses Anthony, and Loralie is DQ'd de facto because of Will's absence. Wendy becomes my new favorite person during the challenge when she la-dee-das around because doesn't really give a crap. Steve huffs that her behavior distracted him from cheering for the others. Oh, get over it. He barks at her to show him more effort, and she's all, "Hell no!" Love it! Anthony admits with a laugh that he and Wendy had conspired to quit whenever one of them got tired, and they eventually make a big show of knocking their buckets into one another and dropping them dramatically. It's a good thing Anthony and Chantal didn't team up. His laissez faire attitude paired with her overzealous "competitive" streak would have been disastrous. Actually…come to think of it, it's too bad they weren't partners.
Matt all the while looks completely unfazed by the challenge. Of course, his chest is built like a freight train, so go figure. Sam and Mike eventually drop their buckets, making Jami Lyn and Matt the winners. Jami Lyn reveals that she chose Matt because of his upper-body strength as a professional wrestler. She's pleased her plan worked.
The losers return to camp, where Will is sitting. Anthony interviews with a schadenfreude-y smirk that he doesn't care whether Will's back or not. What Anthony the evil mathematician fails to realize is that, if everyone he wants voted off in a moment of annoyance actually does get voted off, he'll owe ABC about ten grand, so maybe he should stop counting his presumed winnings and start getting along with some people. Michael is more reasonably annoyed because he thinks Will isn't facing any consequences for not listening to the trainers' dieting advice.
As the day ends, they've completed a challenge (not to mention having walked nearly 140 miles), and the stress-drama is at a peak. Steve calls Wendy out for not being fully engaged in the challenge, and the others accuse her of not being a team player. Wendy basically tells them to take a hike and walks off. Even Chantal's annoyed at Wendy's attitude -- Chantal of the passive-aggressive ribbing and the "I don't need to be appropriate, I'm a comedian!" attitude. Meanwhile, Matt and Jami Lyn luxuriate in the hot tub with strawberries and sparkling cider.
At the end of 15 days, Lorrie reminds us that one of the hardest parts of returning to normal life is the temptation. Cue the fattest fiddle in the world as the marchers talk about all the foods they miss -- pizza, meatball sandwiches, bacon, et cetera. Chantal bitches really forcefully about everything they eat on the march as Lorrie describes the options -- salmon, egg whites, salads, and so forth. Chantal says she would rather eat cat food. Frankly, I think the food looks delicious.
In somewhat of a hidden challenge, the marchers walk up to their catering table and discover that today they actually have a choice between their typical menu of healthy, filling foods, or the unhealthy foods they miss. Some of them (guess who) rationalize that they don't like the healthy food and are being good by taking only a little of the fatty foods. Others realize this is a trap and choose the good-for-you options. While Anthony snipes, "No wonder [Chantal] only lost four pounds," since she doesn't listen to the trainers, Michael is irritated that Will chose the unhealthy food after being in the hospital.
Steve continues to pound the point home that Will and Chantal jeopardize themselves and their teammates by making bad choices, and they risk being voted off. Then Anthony does some sort of psychotic crossing-off gesture like he's writing on his vote-off chalkboard, but then it becomes a stabbing motion that is altogether unsettling. Anthony's emotional maturity is really shining through. Michael sums up, "Will and Chantal offer nothing to anyone here. Zero."
As Stage Two concludes, the teams are trekking through New Haven, CT, in anticipation of tomorrow's weigh-in/vote-off. Will is under fire as Wendy says he uses his weight as an excuse not to do anything. Anthony (who will, in just moments, finish this stage behind Will) says he struggles every day with whether Will is going to finish. He calls Will "pathetic" and smugs that voting Will off will be "sweet happiness." Matt, who I'm beginning to love a little, develops a strategy to keep Will angry with his bitchy teammates like Anthony so that he'll walk faster. This strategy seems to work, too, because Will beats Anthony to the finish line and is more than little satisfied that Anthony no longer has that as ammo to vote him off. Ha!
As the weigh-in approaches, they're all pretty reasonable about their weight-loss expectations, except Chantal, who says she'll go ballistic if she doesn't have a "huge" loss. Lorrie tells them they've all completed 150 miles. To their great joy, all the guys experience total losses in excess of 30 pounds. Anthony loses the most -- 37 pounds, which puts him below 400 -- and my roommate comments, "He'll get laid in no time." To which I respond, "Well, it may take a little time." And again remember that I'm going to hell. But whatever, I call 'em like I see 'em. (I'm a recapper! I don't need to be appropriate!) Chantal loses ten pounds this stage (total of 14) and is happy, but the biggest losers for the girls are Loralie and Wendy, tied at 19 pounds total.
Steve reminds them that the vote-off looms. Anthony talks big, saying he has no problem voting off anyone because of his/her attitude. Sam names names -- Wendy, Anthony, Will -- as the three major contenders for the ouster. Jami Lyn hopes people will stop being morons (she uses the word "petty") and refrain from voting anyone off and causing them all to lose money. To complicate matters, Steve clarifies for the marchers that even one vote can eliminate a player and deduct their ten grand. As they all issue their votes, we see B roll of the three at-risk marchers defending themselves on the grounds that they've lost weight (Chantal and Will) and that anyone who might vote for them is weak-minded (Anthony about Will, natch).
And now for the big reveal: They're all full of crap! Everybody backs down and votes for Nobody, Foreshadowing's half-cousin from Sheboygan. After Will reveals his vote, Anthony breathes a sigh of relief. To drive the point home, Steve asks Will why, and Will says he didn't want to "kill anyone's dream" or (more importantly) lose money. Anthony smugly explains that he voted for Nobody because he lost the most weight. It doesn't really make sense, but okay. Chantal continues to reveal that she might be the dumpy doppelganger of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction by saying she would have had to "hurt somebody" if anyone had voted for another marcher. Perhaps she's just prone to hyperbole, but I'm going to do my part and issue advanced warning to the bunnies on the Fat March trail -- don't let Chantal anywhere near you with a pot or a bottle of water.
Still to come this season: Tree climbing. Will is not having it. He claims he has this grand idea in his mind that one day he'll surprise everyone, but I think he and I both suspect he won't. Wendy looks like she's encountering real struggles for the first time as she sits the ground. They cast votes again, and Loralie cries. They walk through Times Square, screaming. Michael walks, looking very motivated and very slim. And my DVR cuts off. And I don't care. Now if the show could suddenly switch gears in Times Square and become Tranny March, then we'd be talkin'. Until then, dear readers, march on.