The Space Shuttle Collaroy lifts off from Canaveral. Again. No offense to the Aussies, but "Collaroy" is an awful name for a shuttle. This shot always makes me think of Odyssey magazine. Which, Google tells me, has changed a tad over the past couple of decades. Anyway, so the shuttle takes off. Whoosh.
Cut to the Farscape dropping out of the shuttle's cargo bay. "Go for insertion," fwoom, cue the electromagnetic wave, "Abort," flash. Et cetera.
Close-up on Crichton's upside-down eyeball. We pull back and spin to see that he's lying on an exam table with EEG monitors pasted to him. Pa Crichton is there, finishing up a phone call. When Crichton starts to peel the electrodes off his face, Pa calls for a nurse and asks Crichton how he feels. Crichton sweatily says, "Hot. Dizzy. Kind of feel like I've been hit by a house." Pa offers some soothing words, and leans down for a hug. Crichton promptly swings Pa over the table to the floor. I do admire Pa for having the presence of mind to shout, "What are you doing?" even as he's getting flipped. Then he just says, "Aaa!" Crichton continues to attack, shouting, "I'm not your son!" Some orderlies hurry in and haul Crichton back onto the table, and we see someone pull out a very large needle. We pan up to see that the doctor is, in fact, Aeryn. Sort of. She's wearing a white coat, there's a stethoscope draped around her neck, and her hair is wavy. She calmly tells the orderly, "We'll need full restraints, and can you get me a clean IV, please?" Crichton moans, "This is not real..."
Credits. Shameless plug: You Are Dumb. Not you, of course.
We return to Crichton, now strapped down to the table. He wheedles, "Aeryn, honey? Could you get me out of these straps?" He says that the last thing he remembers was visiting a commerce planet. Aeryn throatily introduces herself as Doctor Bettina Fairchild. I'm going to stick to calling her Aeryn, because there's more than enough to be confused about here. Let's all wish Keckler luck dealing with "Out of Their Minds," shall we? Aeryn checks Crichton's pupils and reports that he doesn't have any brain damage, although he does have a fever. Crichton stage-whispers, "Are they listening to us? Is that why you can't talk?" She sighs, "Violent, and now paranoid. Perhaps another CAT scan would be indicated." He apologetically says he "fuzzed out" for a minute, and asks what day it is. Aeryn says that it's Monday, a week after his crash-landing of the Farscape. Crichton says that he doesn't remember the crash, but he had a nightmare about being on a ship full of aliens. She asks if that's why he attacked Pa. He explains, "He looked like he was human, but he had alien goo on the inside. It was pretty freaky, huh?" Aeryn has no comment. Crichton repeats that he's fine now, and asks her to undo the straps. She asks why he called her Aeryn. Crichton explains, "Old girlfriend. You look a lot like her. Except you have prettier hair." Smooth. He follows that up by saying he wants to apologize to Pa for that whole assault thing. Aeryn says that Pa has retreated to the lounge, and waves an orderly over to undo the straps.
Crichton enters the hospital hallway, having changed into jeans, a white tee, and a black sweat jacket. He suddenly stops and whistles knowingly, then says, "Won't get fooled again!" as the camera pans over to reveal the door to the women's bathroom. We have a title! He swings the door open and marches in just as a woman in a pink robe steps out of a stall. The woman does not approve. Crichton apologizes, "Thought it was co-ed," and exits. As he leaves, we hear the woman say, "Co-ed? What planet are you from?" "Not this one," Crichton mutters, and walks on. He borrows a newspaper from a passersby in the hall and looks over the headlines. "'Gator Victim Number Six.'" Wow, I bet Baltar's gonna go all Captain Hook now. Crichton continues, "Last week it was five. They're getting the details right." He walks on, opening the paper so that we can see that it's the Orlando Herald. The killer gator story takes up the whole front page. Slow week in Orlando.
Crichton finally reaches the snazziest waiting room ever, lined with huge windows opening onto a nice view of the coast. Pa is there, and Crichton apologizes for his behavior. Pa waves that aside, saying, "You've been through a lot. I lost it myself when your mother died." The piano of foreboding plinks as Crichton stares at Pa. The foreboding is interrupted by DK, who greets Crichton by calling, "Papa Bear!" Oh my. Crichton feigns delight and kind of rolls his eyes as he says, "Hey, you made it this time!" And he got a new hairstyle. Well, I guess it has been a week. DK and Pa exposition about the crash a bit. Crichton's bored with the whole scenario, and with a shrug asks what DK wants him to do. DK says that Aeryn wants Crichton to get a psychiatric evaluation from one Doctor Cominsky.
Cut to a dark office lined with bookcases. Crichton stands to a shiny fan as he eyes some diplomas on the wall. He mutters that it's warm, and then sits at the desk. He picks up the phone and dials, then starts rooting through the desk drawer as he says, "I'd like to order a pizza. Um, medium. Deluxe." He moves the phone away from his mouth and mutters, "These guys are good." We hear a door close, and Crichton stares as Zhaan enters. She's still blue, and still bald, but she's wearing a shiny suit over a white blouse. Because she's Dr. Cominsky now. She approaches the desk and Crichton stops goggling long enough to say, "Zhaan." She asks if that's a name or an adjective. He hangs up the phone and says it's a name as he gets up and crosses the room. Crichton pours herself a glass of water from a handy pitcher and confirms that she's a psychiatrist. He sniffs, "I don't think so. On earth, psychiatrists don't come in blue." Zhaan sits on the edge of her desk and asks, "Do you have a problem with people of color?" Heh. Crichton explains, "I have a contextual problem. You're an alien." Zhaan cops to that, but notes, "I do have a green card."
Crichton: Are you or are you not blue?
Zhaan: Would it matter to you if I was?
Crichton: Do you always answer a question with a question?
Zhaan: Does that bother you?
I think she's really Eliza. Crichton, exasperated and also rather sweaty, says that she's a plant, and that they once shared unity. Zhaan smirks, "Interesting euphemism." Crichton gulps down his water and tells her to put her hands on his face. They do the unity vogue moves, there's a second of mystic music, and then... zilch. Crichton pulls his hands away and sighs, "Damn." He sits down on a leather couch and gripes that he was hoping for an ally. Zhaan, concerned, asks, "You feel you don't have any allies?" He says no, "and [his] enemies haven't revealed themselves yet." He goes over the suspects: "The Ancients? Nah, they picked my brain already. Maldis? Not his style. Not gothic enough. Delvians! Mm, yeah, Occam's Razor. Tahleen and her wacky bunch!" While he babbles on, Zhaan tells her secretary, "Cancel my three o'clock appointment. In fact, cancel the rest of my day."
Crichton hustles out onto a parking deck, where DK is waiting for him. Crichton rolls his eyes and tries to hurry along as DK asks how the session went. Crichton says he told Zhaan/Cominsky "everything she wanted to hear," and that he's fine now. A sporty red convertible races up nearby, tires squealing and radio blasting smooth jazz. Odd music to blast, really. Someone shouts, "Yeaaaaah, woo!" as the car spins to a stop. Crichton stares as the door opens, and we see white platform golf shoes lowered out of the car. Pan up: pleated pants, a mod shirt, and D'Argo's head. Man, that's jarring. D'Argo suaves, "Ladiessss," at some nearby girls dressed in tan military uniform. Weird. Oh, wait, I get it: they're a cute pack of khaki WACs who'll give D'Argo a bone. DK identifies D'Argo: "Gary Ragel. Newest hotshot to come out of IASA astronaut training. Watch your back, he's got ambition." Oh no, ambition! Crichton points out that Gary also has tentacles, but DK calmly says it's just "a lifestyle choice." He adds that the guy is a jerk, just as D'Argo/Gary makes his way over for high fives and invites them out for some beer. DK sniffs that they don't have time for beer. Crichton's willing, though. As long as he can drive. D'Argo agreeably tosses him the car keys and grabs DK's head as he smirks, "My friend, one thing you're gonna have to learn: there is always time for beer." He's not wrong.
Cut to a dark bar. Crichton and D'Argo have settled at a table with a pitcher of beer. Crichton announces that he has a theory. Does it involve bunnies? He says, "I am some alien's personal science project." I was close. D'Argo chortles, "I so know how you feel," and suggests they get another drink. Even though there's still beer in his mug. And in the pitcher. Crichton insists that he's going to sabotage the scheme by refusing to react to the weirdness. Yeah, like he has that kind of self-control. In the background behind Crichton there's a band playing a bass-heavy jazz number, and because I've watched too much Twin Peaks, I start to suspect that they're in Canada. Crichton turns around in his seat and stares. Scorpius, wearing a blue vest over his usual get-up, is playing the drums in the combo. Pilot is playing bongos and a keyboard. Aeryn suddenly pulls Crichton's head backwards as she drunkenly tells him to buy her a drink. He enthuses, "Oh. My. God. The off-duty doctor joined us!" and introduces her to D'Argo. They trade "hi"s, and then Aeryn sits on D'Argo's lap and gives him a long kiss. Crichton tensely asks if they know each other. Aeryn frowns at him, "No." D'Argo loudly calls for more drinks, and at least their mugs seem to be empty this time. Crichton sulkily heads to the bar to get another round.
At the bar, Crichton runs into Scorpius. Who is not wearing a vest. Crichton glances back at the band, and the other Scorpius is still playing drums there. Crichton continues refusing to care, polishes off the rest of his beer, and asks the bartender for another pitcher. Then he tensely tells Scorpius, "Dig your style, Ringo." Scorpius starts to say that there isn't much time, and Crichton interrupts: "Twins. Pity your mother." As, in fact, he should. Scorpius insists that the drummer isn't real. Crichton asks, "So, what's your name? Who do you play in this fun house?" Scorpius says that he is, of course, Scorpius. The soundtrack gets ominous as Crichton observes, "You got no Halloween costume, got no assumed name. You're not playing a role. That suggests something to me. That suggests that you are --" He suddenly shoves Scorpius into the bar and snaps, "The man behind the curtain!" Scorpius calmly says that actually, he's the only one who can help. Crichton angrily asks if Scorpius is looking for wormholes again. Scorpius glances toward the camera and says that he has to leave. Crichton disagrees, and shoves Scorpius across the floor. As Scorpius stumbles out of the shot, Crichton freezes and shudders. He gasps as if choking, and the soundtrack pulses with static as he collapses onto a table. D'Argo and Aeryn glance over, and Crichton opens his eyes to look at Scorpius playing the drums. Zoom in on Crichton's eye, and we see Scorpius's face replacing his pupil. And also his iris. It's like Scorpius is a little nesting doll! Aw. They should totally make a nesting doll that's like, Moya, and inside it the Farscape, and inside it Crichton, and inside him Scorpius/Harvey, and then you just keep layering Crichtons and Scorpiuses ("Scorpii"?) until you're using tweezers.
Now Crichton's back at Zhaan/Cominsky's office, lying on the couch. He sighs, "You're not Zhaan and you're not a psychiatrist, but you're as close as we'll get to either one." Zhaan sniffs, "I'm flattered, somewhat." Crichton growls, "Somebody is gaslighting me. It's probably Scorpy." He mentions that he's been having "hot flashes" of Scorpius ever since the Aurora Chair, and idly wonders if he's really supposed to believe that he never went through the wormhole. He sits up suddenly and admits, "They didn't make the mistakes that the last guys made. Even Aeryn. Even Aeryn, I could have bought. Probably not, but I could've bought it." He sighs that he misses Moya. "A ship full of aliens becomes so normal." Zhaan notes that there is another explanation for what Crichton is experiencing. He sighs, "Yeah, I'm still on Moya. I'm gibbering. I'm drooling. And everybody's wondering what finally made me snap." Oh, honey, I think they're more likely to be wondering why it didn't happen sooner.
Parking deck. Crichton is playfully climbing on the guardrail. In the background a space shuttle stands on the launch pad while a helicopter flies past. Pa Crichton and DK arrive with some news: "IASA's brought in a new Project Administrator. A Douglas Logan." DK says that Logan is "a tough bastard." I'm distracted by DK's earring, which doesn't go with his preppy haircut. Crichton asks what Logan looks like: "Thin face, pale skin, bad set of choppers, likes leather?" Pa says he's never met the man. Crichton's eager to meet Logan, and off they go.
Crichton stands in a well-appointed office, admiring the decor. Rygel zooms up to the desk in an electric wheelchair. Wearing a suit. And smoking a cigar. Crichton recoils, understandably, and then happily gasps, "Guido! You're here!" As Pa and DK walk in, Crichton claps "Logan" on the back and grabs his cigar. Pa starts to apologize for Crichton's behavior, but Rygel snaps, "Shut up!" As Crichton puffs on the cigar and blows smoke into Rygel's face, Rygel bitches, "You're the reckless son of a bitch who refused to abort, fainted, and wrecked a multi-zillion-dollar module!" Heh. "Multi-zillion." Crichton happily nods while Rygel wonders why he shouldn't shut down the Farscape project. Crichton grabs some business cards off the desk and takes a seat, then begins flinging the cards across the desk like he's David Letterman. Only without the sound effects. Pa and DK insist that the project is paving the way for deep space exploration. Rygel shuts them up, and tells Crichton to quit pelting him with business cards, then says they'll get the project right this time. Crichton confirms that they're going to give the Farscape another try. Rygel explains, "Either you can fly it or [D'Argo] can. I hate to reward failure, but it's better PR if you fly it. Public loves come-from-behind wins!" DK and Pa urge Crichton to go for it. Crichton looks suspicious and starts toying with a model shuttle he's picked up. He asks, "I reenact my initial mission. I show you how I create the giant blue twister that sucks me down to Oz." He makes a shrieking sound and plunges the model toward the desk as everyone looks horrified. Then Crichton drops the model and concludes, "Forget about it. Don't know how I did it." Then he stands up and begins shouting that even if he knew how he'd done it, he wouldn't tell Scorpius. Logan, exasperated, asks who Crichton's talking to. Crichton apologetically says, "Not you. You're not real."
DK and Pa chase Crichton through the parking deck, asking why he's trying to get the project killed. Crichton turns and giggles, "The guy's a two-foot green slug on a golf cart!" Pa sternly asks, "What does a man's disability have to do with anything?" Ha! Give it up for Kent McCord. Though he probably has a high tolerance for the surreal, considering the episode of Adam-12 I saw with the giant pumpkin. A little red maintenance vehicle zooms up, with Rygel shouting at them from the passenger seat. Pa urges his son to apologize. Crichton says, "Let's kiss and make up!" He leans into the cab and plants a long kiss on Rygel. Dude, Rygel is getting a lot of action in this set of episodes. Then Crichton grabs Rygel by the leg and carries him off. While a dangling Rygel sputters, "Are you deranged?" Crichton climbs up a flight of stairs and offers to show them all what happened on the Farscape. He stops on a landing several stories up, and swings Logan around like he's giving him airplane rides. Aw, lookit the little puppet arms flailing around! Crichton shouts, "There's an electromagnetic wave! Son, you have to abort!" as he dangles Rygel over the edge. Then both he and Rygel shout, "Noooo!" and Crichton lets go. Rygel says, "Cricht-aaaaaaaaah!" and plummets. Nothing at all on the puppet! I respect that they took the time to green-screen the falling puppet in, so he doesn't tumble like a stuffed prop would. Crichton turns to face Pa and DK, who look a tad put out. Crichton gurmbles, "What?! It ain't real. They made you up out of my memories. It's just annoying that you're acting exactly the way I thought you would act!" He tells them to go away.
We're back at the Lynch Tribute Bar. Crichton stares up at a spinning disco bar, which doesn't really fit with the jazz band. He pulls at a beer and then strolls across the room finally discovering that D'Argo and Aeryn are sitting in a booth with someone else. Someone else with short gray hair and, more tellingly, gray skin, though she's tried to hide it under a long-sleeved shirt. Crichton takes a seat, and Aeryn introduces Chiana, who is nuzzling her neck. Chiana's name here is "Jessica." Crichton smirks, "Oh, my God. Everybody's finally here." Chiana confirms that he's an astronaut, and purrs, "I like astronauts." He asks if she's an astronaut groupie, and when she says yes, he says, "That so works for me." Crichton asks if she'd like to go on a drive with him. At which point we see Scorpius sitting in the booth, so he and Crichton are back to back. Scorpius insists, "No, John. We must speak." Without turning around, Crichton asks if anyone else sees "the freak," and points behind him. Apparently nobody does. "Then let's go for a drive!"
The four of them zoom down a road in a red convertible, shouting and laughing. Crichton declares that he's got a new theory: "Life sucks. Nothing matters. Screw it all. Let's party!" Chiana leans forward from the back seat and urges him to "enjoy it while it lasts." Then there's a faint splat, and Crichton looks ahead unhappily to see Scorpius on the hood of the car, leaning over the windshield. Scorpius tsks, "This is no time to be having fun, John." Crichton turns on the wipers and tells him to get lost. Scorpius grunts as the wiper swats him, hee, but continues, "You've got to focus. Fight this delusion." Crichton says he doesn't believe anything Scorpius says. We see some kind of tanker truck approaching, and Crichton tells Scorpius, "It's time to bail." He steers the car straight for the truck. Everyone screams, and we cut to...
... the hospital. Crichton is back on the exam table. He sits up just as Aeryn arrives. She's back in her lab coat, and also has gigantic curlers all over her head. I like to believe this happened because some PA said, "We're ready to shoot, but Claudia's hair isn't ready." And the director said, "Go with it." Aeryn tells Crichton, "The truck won, I'm afraid." She pokes an otoscope into his ear while confirming that D'Argo and Chiana are okay. Crichton asks if their survival seems at all unlikely to her. Aeryn figures they were all very lucky. She finally finishes with his ear and says that he has a visitor, then sticks a tongue depressor in his mouth. With some difficulty, Crichton asks who it is: "Daa? Dee-hay?" She says it's someone new, and leaves while Crichton keeps guessing: "A Sheyang? Captain Bailar Crais? Bring 'em on!" He falls silent as a woman stands in the doorway. The visitor says, "Thank God you're okay. I came as soon as I could." She walks over, reaching out toward him, and Crichton recoils and gasps, "Don't! This is a pretty good trick, considering you're dead...Mom." Ma Crichton says that she had to come, and strokes his head. He leans back from her touch, not quite able to summon the strength to avoid her, and closes his eyes as he insists she's not real. Ma notices that he's sweating, and pulls him down into a hug as she strokes his back and tells him not to worry. Crichton shudders as she whispers, "I'll make everything all right," but finally leans his head against her shoulder. Ouch. This recap took me for-freaking-ever to do because it's hard to make jokes about the funny parts, and it's even harder to make jokes about the unfunny parts.
After the nonexistent ads, Ma Crichton is still holding her broken son. She says that he's changed, and Crichton, his eyes still firmly closed, explains, "People change to survive." She pushes him back and tries to look at his face as she sighs, "You were so innocent. So full of wonder. It's all gone. You've become callous. You've killed." Crichton finally opens his eyes and looks at her. "You can't know that," he says sharply. Ma says that it's true, though. "That's why you can't sleep nights." Crichton stares at her for a long moment and finally says, "I sleep fine," and jumps off the table and away from her. She asks where he's going, and Crichton backs toward the doorway as he thickly says, "Away from something that isn't my mother." She asks if he's going to leave without saying goodbye, and Crichton responds by doing just that.
Lynch Tribute Bar. Scorpius sits at the bar, which is almost empty. He's also wearing that blue pleather vest. I have to think this sucked for Wayne Pygram. "Wow, Virginia Hey and Gigi Edgley get to wear different clothes for a change. How nice for them! And I...get to wear a vest over my usual costume in a couple of scenes. Whee." Crichton sits down nearby and says that he wants to talk about what's going on. Scorpius says, "Well, I'm on my break, my man." Crichton gets exasperated, but Scorpius insists that he doesn't know who Crichton is. Crichton wearily realizes that he's got the wrong Scorpius, and rests his head on his hands. Behind him, we see someone enter wheeling an IV stand. A woman faintly calls, "John?" Crichton looks up to see that the new visitor is his mother, this time looking older and ill. She slowly moves toward him, saying, "Help me." Crichton stares for a second and then insists, "You're not real," and walks away. She slowly follows, calling for him. Crichton gasps, "They pulled you out of my mind. You died five years ago!" Then he runs for the door, but trips and falls. Ma sobs, "I'm scared!" Crichton stays on the floor, not looking at his mother, and gasps, "I just want out of this." Ma kneels to him as he helplessly waves her away, and begs, "Stay with me this time. Be with me when I go." Crichton is forced to look at her, and gasps, "No, please...please." Crying now, he puts one hand on her head and moans, "This is cruel. This is cruel, please don't." It really is horrifying, and not knowing exactly what happened makes it even more so, since we just experience Crichton's guilt without knowing the specific reasons for it. Ma says she needs him as he goes on begging for this to stop. Finally he screams, "Don't do this to me!" and scrambles away as she bursts into tears.
Crichton walks across what I guess is the IASA tarmac, and passes a cop. Who is also Crais. Crais asks if Crichton has a problem, and Crichton sighs, "If it is isn't the good Captain." Crais retorts, "Would I be patrolling a beat if I'd made Captain? Hell, I'm still bucking to transfer to plainclothes." Then Crais identifies Crichton as a famous astronaut, which is probably the most fantastic part of the episode. I mean, how many astronauts can you recognize? Still dazed from his encounter with Ma, Crichton isn't in the mood for autographs, and sighs that he doesn't know who he is. Crais figures he's drunk. Crichton quietly asks Crais to leave him alone, but Crais is having none of that. As he starts to grab Crichton, Crichton whirls and punches Crais, knocking him onto the hood of his patrol car. Crichton climbs up over Crais and continues slugging him, shouting, "Leave! Me! Alone!" He grabs Crais's sidearm and takes aim for a second, then moves away as Crais, unconscious, slowly slides off the hood.
Logan/Rygel's office. Rygel, Zhaan, DK, Pa, and Aeryn are posed around the desk as Crichton enters. He's sweatier than ever now, though beating up Crais probably made for a workout. Rygel, who seems to have survived his fall just fine, says that they were just discussing Crichton's future. Crichton turns his back to them and strolls around the office as he snaps, "I don't have a future, not in this reality." On one shelf he finds a framed photo of everyone posed around the desk, just as they were when he entered. Aeryn says that he's feverish as Crichton moves on to another photo of D'Argo sitting astride a shuttle. Zhaan says that he's risking "a full cognitive dislocation," as Crichton takes in a photo of a very happy Scorpius holding a gold record. He kisses his fingers and touches them to Scorpy's face. Crichton announces, "I'm about as cognitively dislocated as they get. But I am clear on one thing: Scorpy can either let me loose, or watch me go berserk." He toys with a U.S. flag in the window as Zhaan asks why he's obsessed with "this Scorpius person." Crichton says that they're either hallucinations or part of the scheme. "Either way, it doesn't really matter what I do." He pulls out Crais's gun and quickly shoots at Pa. Pa doesn't react, and we hear glass break. The photo of Scorpius is punctured with a bullet hole. Pa looks down for a second and says, "I'm disappointed in you." Crichton, his eyes bloodshot, tries shooting DK, and the bullet smashes the frame of the group-shot. Rygel asks if they can continue their meeting, and Crichton shoots him. Nothing happens. Crichton's a slow learner sometimes. You'd think he'd have fun with this, but he's just getting more and more frustrated. The others start to discuss what they should order for lunch, and Crichton gives up on the people and starts treating the knickknacks on the wall like a shooting gallery. Finally he closes his eyes and screams, "STOOOOO--!"
Cut to Crichton, still screaming, back on the exam table again. He's lost his sweat jacket and even his hair looks damp with sweat now. There's a soldier standing guard against the wall, and Crais, still in his cop uniform, stands by the table holding a white Cairn Terrier under his arm. The camera swings around as Crichton finishes, "--UFFF!" "Stouf"? Well, I think he was finishing up "Enough!" there. Or maybe he's shouting "Stauf" because he's been playing The Seventh Guest somehow. He opens his eyes, and Crais immediately starts lecturing him about how much trouble he's in. He waggles a piece of paper threateningly as he goes over the charges against Crichton: "Assault on a police officer. Theft of police property. Illegal possession of a firearm. Five counts of attempted murder. That comes to twenty-nine dollars and forty cents." He presents the paper to Crichton and asks, "Cash, check, or credit card?" Crichton reaches up to take the ticket, and discovers that his left arm is handcuffed to the table. Oh, and we can also see that Crais is wearing a name tag that reads, "Gordon." Crais puts the ticket into Crichton's cuffed hand, and then looks down at the dog and says, "Toto." His delivery makes up for the fact that I think we got it already. Crais exits, and his little dog, too, flicking the lights off as he leaves. Crichton looks over the ticket and says, "This thing is going completely off the rails. Or maybe I have."
Whoosh, and suddenly Scorpius is looming over Crichton. He says, "Not yet you haven't. But there's a danger you will." Crichton laughs fakely and asks if Scorpius brought keys for the cuffs. Scorpius says that he's not responsible for what's happening. He pulls a pointer out of nothingness and gestures to a lightboard covered with x-rays. "It's a Scarran," he says, and points to where the image of a Scarran head has suddenly been illuminated. "He captured you on the commerce planet." Crichton wearily asks why a Scarran would want to capture him. Scorpius says that the Scarrans know that Scorpius is interested in Crichton, and they want to know why. He says, "This is their standard method of interrogation. Induced delusions to break down all mental defenses." Wow, that's so evil that you can almost forget how terribly inefficient it sounds. Scorpius moves back over to Crichton and explains, "The Scarrans aren't trying to fool you, John. They're trying to break you. This is a deliberate attempt to drive you into insanity and it's working. Your mind is about to crack. And I cannot allow that. I was here first." Eep.
Flash to the Aurora Chair. Crichton stares into space and says, "No, you weren't." Scorpius concedes that the Ancients were there first, when they gave Crichton the wormhole knowledge. Another flash of the Aurora Chair as Scorpius explains that when his interrogation didn't succeed, he came up with "a second strategy." Flash of Scorpius sticking an magic techno-pick into Crichton's head like he's Sharon Stone. Only less terrifyingly crazy.
Crichton flops around on the exam table, then sits up and turns to look at Scorpius. He rasps, "You put something in my head!" Scorpius explains, "A very sophisticated neuro-chip. It contains -- well, it contains, me. Or a mental clone of my [beat] personality." Crichton figures that this explains his visions. Scorpius admits that occasionally Crichton's subconscious notices the intruder.
Flash to Crichton's recent failure to kill Scorpius. Scorpius says there's a "failsafe" to prevent Crichton from killing him. "But my main function is to access the wormhole knowledge you have in your brain. No matter how long that takes." You'd think that if the chip could control Crichton's behavior that much, Scorpius would just influence him to turn himself in. Pfft, details. Crichton giggles, "You're Harvey! Or is it Clarence? Guardian Angel? Invisible Rabbit?" He settles on Harvey, and asks if the Scarran knows about the chip. Harvey, née Scorpius, says that he only pops out when the Scarran isn't watching. He sternly advises Crichton to ignore the other, vested Scorpius. Crichton asks why he should believe Harvey. Harvey points out Crichton's sweatiness, and explains, "You've been unusually hot all this time because your real body is reflexively responding to heat." We cut to the x-rays as Harvey says that the heat is produced by the Scarran. When Crichton cools off, the Scarran is "elsewhere, preparing another onslaught." Crichton asks how he can stop the Scarran. Harvey advises, "Concentrate on what is real, your true memories of earth, of Moya. Your family, friends, even your enemies. Do not allow yourself to be pushed over the edge." Scorpius adds that he's still armed, because the pulse pistol isn't strong enough to hurt a Scarran. Among the x-rays, a photo of the pulse pistol appears. A red "X" is drawn on top. Heh. Harvey says, "Your best chance is not to fire, but to --" He interrupts himself to say that the Scarran is returning, and vanishes. Crichton, understandably annoyed, shouts, "'But to' what? Harvey!"
The x-ray of the Scarran suddenly lurches to life, and the image goes from negative to positive. There's a zapping sound, and Crichton collapses onto the exam table.
Crichton is still handcuffed to the table. We get a POV shot of him struggling with the cuff as Aeryn, wearing a latex nurse's uniform, fusses nearby. Then Zhaan leans over the camera and says, "You look like you're ready to have some fun." She's wearing more fetish-wear: a short black sleeveless dress and long black gloves. "We certainly are," Aeryn adds. Crichton's legs are now in stirrups, and Zhaan is standing between his legs, stroking his thighs. He asks what they're doing, and Aeryn says, "Nothing you won't like." Chiana leans into the camera to add, "Nothing you haven't already fantasized about." She's wearing some kind of latex schoolgirl uniform. Zhaan says he's had sexual thoughts about them all. Crichton denies it, but the women say it's nothing to be ashamed of. The music is now reminiscent of a '70s porno. Or so I'm told. Aeryn assembles some unpleasant-looking gadgetry as Chiana pokes her head over Crichton's denim-clad crotch. The cuts start to get more rapid as Aeryn tells Crichton to relax. Zhaan whispers, "I can wear a Freudian slip." Aeryn starts to inject something into Crichton's arm as she offers to "find new places to take [his] temperature." Chiana, for her part, offers to teach him "the left-handed Latvian Rodeo Torture" and starts pulling on a latex glove. Just as you think it couldn't possibly be more disturbing, Rygel growls, "All of you bitches, out now!" Rygel rises up from between Crichton's legs, and that's the least dirty way I could describe it. He's wearing a little leather mask and holding a flail. He says, "Crichton is mine," and makes that Hannibal Lecter snorfling sound. Rygel starts whipping Crichton, saying, "This is for calling me Sparky! And this is for Fluffy! And this is for Buckwheat, whatever that means." Do they have to do ratings for these episodes now that they're syndicated? I wonder how this one fared. Crichton struggles and finally rips the arm he's cuffed to off of the table. Then he punches Rygel. Y'know, he didn't really need to free both arms to do that. I'm just saying.
Cut to a sign over a doorway that reads, "Momma Ward." Nursery music plays and we hear babies crying as Crichton walks down the hallway. Someone screams, "Aaugh! Leaving so soon? I wish I could!" Crichton turns to see DK being pushed toward him in a wheelchair, blood spurting from his wrists. DK screams, "Look what you made me do!" Crichton backs away as DK goes on screaming about how he lost his job. Blood actually spatters the camera lens, as well as the nurse pushing DK. I've seen enough Herschell Gordon Lewis movies to find that amusing, but I guess it is a bit gross. Two orderlies walk up behind Crichton, casually lift him up, and deposit him into a baby carriage with a cartoony "boing" noise.
Crichton is rolled into another room, where Ma and Pa Crichton are wearing hip 1960s duds and arguing. The camera pitches, rolls, and quite possibly yaws as Pa complains, "You're the one who wanted a child. I wanted a terrier!" Crichton stares up passively as Pa notes, "He can't fetch a ball, he can't get my slippers!" He suddenly tips the baby carriage up, and Crichton is flung out. Ma cries, "Don't hurt my baby!"
Crichton falls. Not onto the floor of the room, but from the top of the parking deck. He screams and flails as he zooms toward the ground.
A police car rolls up to where Crichton has landed all Wile E. Coyote, face-down on the sidewalk. As Crichton starts to get up, the door opens, and we see the driver's feet are encased in red pumps. It's Crais again, still in his cop uniform. And, y'know, the pumps. He draws his sidearm and shouts that Crichton's under arrest. Crichton turns to look as Crais bellows, "You have the right to the remains of a silent attorney! If you cannot afford one, tough noogies! You can make one phone call! I recommend Trixie: 976-Triple 5-LOVE." This is one of those times when you wonder how long it took for everyone to get through the scene without cracking up. Crais asks if Crichton understands his rights, with a "Well, do you, punk?" for good measure. Crichton slowly says, "No." Crais, with no change in tone, shouts, "Then I can't arrest you!" So instead, he slams his car door into Crichton's head.
Crichton's head snaps back, and now he's in the convertible. D'Argo is sitting to him, and they're parked up on a hilltop with a view of the city. A shooting star blazes through the sky. Heh. D'Argo lisps, "I really need to just unburden myself on you." With some very, shall we say, fey, mannerisms, D'Argo declares that he's been thinking about Crichton in a different way lately. "I was wondering if you would mind participating with me in a little Luxan bonding ritual." Crichton, or possibly Browder, starts laughing as D'Argo explains that they'll need chains, his Qualta Blade, "just a little squirt of Lutra oil, and -- oh, Chiana!" Crichton's surprised by that last item, for some reason. D'Argo coos, "She wants to watch." As D'Argo starts to stroke his neck, Crichton says, "Oh no." D'Argo's voice suddenly drops back to his normal bass as he hisses, "Oh yes!"
Now Crichton is in Zhaan/Cominsky's office. Zhaan is the one stroking his neck, while Ma Crichton looks over the books. Ma is wearing a silk robe over not very much at all, and looks like she's recently escaped from Wisteria Lane. Ma examines one book and says, "The Oedipus Complex? I'm not sure I grasp that concept." She perches on the back of the couch, her stockinged leg against Crichton's shoulder, and asks him to explain it to her. Crichton declines, but Ma is insistent. "I really want to know," she whispers, kneeling down and putting her face inches away from his. Sweat drips from Crichton's nose, which is somehow ookier to me than Ma is. So I'm shallow, sue me. Crichton jerks back and puts his hands over his face.
When he lowers them, he's in the Lynch Tribute Bar, Now Under New Management. Disco music plays, strobe lights, um, strobe, and the dance floor is full of people. Aeryn and Chiana dance over to him. Crichton starts to laugh as, from across the floor, D'Argo bellows, "Get down and boogie!" Crichton looks up at the disco ball and shouts, "I don't boogie!" The music skips and stutters, and the disco ball becomes Aeryn's face in the shifting light. Her hair is pulled back in its customary ponytail, and she shouts, "Crichton, where are you?" Her voice echoes and repeats, and becomes "Clear the dance floor!" The crowd gradually moves away, and we see Crichton standing under the disco ball, his arms stretched up toward it. Aeryn is only a few yards away. She pulls out her pulse pistol and aims as Crichton drops his arms and starts to duck. She fires, and the disco ball explodes like the Death Star.
Crichton lowers his hands from his face. He's on the dance floor, and gingerly reaches out to feel Aeryn's boots. She shakes him away and grunts, "I searched half this world for you." She says they're still on the commerce planet. "Underground, in some sort of holographic chamber. I destroyed the projector." He asks who grabbed him, and the disco lights still hang on the ceiling behind her as Aeryn says, "Scorpius. I killed him." Crichton gasps, "That's...interesting." She asks why, and helps him stand up. Crichton says they should get out of here. Aeryn insists, "No. Tell me now." Crichton stares at her for a long moment and then says, "No, you get nothing from me." Aeryn says, "Frell you, then. Stay." She does that tongue-rippling thing at him, and walks away, turning to give him one last glare over her shoulder as Crichton allows himself a grin. He leans his head back and smiles with relief, closing his eyes.
And then opens them, and the disco inferno is back. The music and the dancing get faster and more frenetic. D'Argo shouts, "Boogie or dieeeeee!" again. Crichton shouts, "Kiss my --" and flings both hands up in a two-finger salute. Then his body jerks as the music suddenly rises and cuts off. Everything stops.
At the hospital, DK screams at him again, blood splashing the camera. Crichton's body is jolted.
In the car, D'Argo says, "...thinking about you..." Crichton shudders again.
Crais screams, "Then I can't arrest you!" Crichton's eyes roll back as his body twitches.
Ma sobs, "Be with me when I go."
We pan around a dark room. Crichton is standing, his head rolled back, while the Scarran lurks nearby. It toys with some controls and tells nobody, "Brain wave patterns are increasingly irregular." I guess he's recording notes for a report. It's more fun to believe he just likes narrating, though. He declares, "Increasing stimuli to kalvo nine." Not kalvo nine! It's kind of remarkable how much the Scarrans manage to do without breaking their nails. You'd think they'd use something besides push-buttons on their control panels of doom, though. It just looks silly when this one has to press a button with the heel of his palm. Anyway, Crichton's body goes on twitching under a flashing light. Things buzz and whirr. The Scarran growls, "Kalvo ten." More buzzing. The air around Crichton starts to ripple. Then the rippling stops, and Crichton drops to the floor. "Dead?" the Scarran gripes. He helpfully turns his back to Crichton and adds some details about Crichton dying of "full synaptic overload." Well, maybe you shouldn't have kept increasing the...kalvos.
On the floor, John opens his eyes. While the Scarran goes on with his report, Crichton reaches down to his pistol. He presses a switch on the side, and the pistol goes "be-beep." The Scarran turns at the noise. Crichton lays still as the pistol starts to beep rapidly. The Scarran slowly walks toward him and leans down to examine the source of the sound. Suddenly Crichton grabs the pistol and shoves it into the Scarran's protruding jaw. He dashes away just as the pistol explodes. Along with the Scarran's skull. That was quite a remarkably lucky bit of timing, but I suppose the boy was due. The explosion knocks Crichton down, but the Scarran is still standing. Without a head, but as I've mentioned, that probably makes it much easier to balance. The body wobbles a bit and finally falls over.
Crichton sits on the floor, recovering from one hell of a lot of stuff. Bits of equipment burn cheerily, providing enough light to illuminate Harvey, who's standing on the other side of the chamber. Harvey applauds and says, "Well done, John." Crichton asks, "What happened? I feel like I died." Harvey confesses that he did. "I had to stop your brain function for a few microts to divert the Scarran. No harm done!" Heh. Might as well get used to it, Crichton. Harvey says that he'll returns to Crichton's subconscious now. Crichton tells him, "Don't get too comfortable. I'm gonna get that chip out of my head." Harvey employs the old Jedi mind-trick and says, "There's no chip in your head, John." Crichton insists that there is. "You told me. There's a...um. Mmm..." Harvey briskly interrupts, "You were saying?" Crichton triumphantly manages to say, "Mental chip!" He frowns and blinks. Harvey repeats, "You were saying?" Crichton stares into space, confused, and asks, "What am I saying?" Harvey smirks, "As it should be." Harvey tells Crichton how to find his way back to the planet's surface. "I leave you to your shipmates, John." Crichton stares at the burning equipment, and now Harvey is gone. His echoey voice concludes, "But rest assured, I'll be with you always. Keeping you safe." Brrr.