For any of you foolish enough to be reading this without ever having seen the show, Farscape was probably best summarized by someone on Warren Ellis's forum as being all about the adventures of an American trapped in the Australian S&M scene. See if that helps. The cool thing for me is that I can play the DVD on the same computer I'm writing this with, which is a lot easier than my usual system. On the other hand: no captions. My DVD is an import, and I guess the Brits don't go in for that sort of thing. But they do go in for age-specific ratings, and they'd like you to know that this episode is suitable for persons twelve and older. So no actual Tubey's Kids should read this. How sad.
We open with D'Argo and Crichton pedeconferencing down that one hallway on Moya. D'Argo explains that he's brought someone named T'raltixx aboard. Who started the thing with science fiction and apostrophes, anyway? Apparently, T'raltixx can "adjust Moya's electromagnetics" so that the ship can't be traced. Crichton doesn't like the idea, but D'Argo expositions about how Scorpius is searching for them. Can we talk about Crichton's hair? I haven't watched these episodes in a while, and I'd forgotten about it. I think it's supposed to be stylishly mussed, but it's too short, so it just looks like he was hanging upside down while it dried. Can't he even borrow someone's comb? I could see Aeryn hoarding the hair implements, because she's got quite a mane to take care of, but you'd think that Chiana would share.
D'Argo and Crichton arrive in the maintenance bay, where Chiana is wheeling supplies aboard. Chiana reports that she's purchased them all a heaping supply of "dry food rectangles." Yum. Crichton grabs one and starts chewing, and then whines, "Crackers? You just bought crackers?" Chiana whines right back, and says that they didn't have time to get anything else. Not even some aerosol cheese? Actually, given what happens to Rygel later, that's probably for the best. Crichton wanders over to Aeryn, who is fussing with one of the Peacekeeper warning beacons. She explains, "This is why we only had time to get crackers," and they both chew crackers as she explains that she saw ten beacons in the market. She says she's trying to find a signal that will tell her where Scorpius is, so that they can go in the opposite direction. Zhaan interrupts to announce that T'raltixx is ready for them. Aeryn smirkingly tells Crichton that they're testing T'raltixx's device on his module. She expositions that the module has "Moyan modifications," so that they can monitor what happens.
Then we see T'raltixx, and heavens. So, he's like a wizened old elf, sort of, with the pointy ears and the pointy head. He doesn't have eyes, and his hair is sort of like insect hairs seen under a microscope, and he's got tubes running into his nostrils, and as if that weren't enough, you know those pumps you see in ER scenes where the little accordion pleats go up and down as someone breathes? He's got one of those in his head. Why? And also, why? T'raltixx gamely tries to act past his extremely peculiar prosthetics as he explains that the device he'll install on Moya will be larger, but that this will get the idea across. He asks for someone to start the module up for him, and Crichton grumbles his way over and starts in on how he bought a set of knives once: "Cat swore to me that they could cut through anything. Bone, metal, shoes -- hell, he could cut through my damn car, and still dice tomatoes! You know what? He was lying." Aeryn keeps working on the beacon and ignores Crichton, but Zhaan gives him a pained "Don't be crazy in front of the guests" look. A bemused T'raltixx asks, "If you don't wish my services..." Crichton interrupts: "Bingo!" T'raltixx puts his hands to his head and and whimpers that Crichton's voice hurts his ears. Crichton more quietly says that he doesn't want T'raltixx around, but that the others do, so he'll go start the ship. Apparently he just wanted to complain for a while first. But Crichton can't do anything without yammering about it for a while. If you took out all of his carping, they'd have a half-hour show. Crichton warns T'raltixx that if anything "funky" happens to his module, he'll be most displeased. Zhaan starts tugging T'raltixx away from the crazy person, and T'raltixx tells Crichton that he should only run the ship for ten microts -- any longer and the device will explode. Crichton sighs, "It just gets better and better," while Aeryn munches more crackers and giggles.
Crichton hops into the cockpit and fires up the module, and T'raltixx's device starts glowing and making noise as everyone watches expectantly. Then there's a wide shot of the module, which gradually starts to vanish from the back toward the front. Which, okay, visual medium and everything, but it still seems questionable that something that's supposed to interfere with tracking actually makes things disappear when you're looking right at them. Crichton counts to ten as more and more of the ship vanishes behind him. He's too busy being ostentatiously long-suffering to notice the reactions of the people watching, and the invisibility starts to creep over him as he finally reaches ten and turns the engine off. The module is, um, unerased, and the device powers down as Zhaan gasps, "By the Goddess, it worked!" She laughs delightedly, and maybe she's turned invisible herself, because Crichton obliviously grumps, "See, nothing happened! What? What are you all looking at?" Aeryn smirks at him. This is not one of the episodes you use to prove that he's intelligent, honestly.
Credits. His name is John Crichton. He was shot through a wormhole and now he's on a ship -- a living ship, full of Muppets. He's being hunted by an insane military commander. He meant Crais originally, which I always forget. He's just looking for a way home, so he can get a decent haircut.
When we return, Crichton's visiting Pilot. Since the teaser, someone sat down with Crichton and explained what happened using small words. And maybe a flowchart. So now it's his job to convince Pilot to go along with the plan. Pilot asks how the module is, and Crichton reports that it's fine, and so is he. He's still eating crackers as Pilot drily says, "While vaguely concerned about you, I'm much more interested in how this will affect Moya." Crichton insists that this might be the only way to escape from all the bounty hunters after them. Pilot doesn't want to go to "the transformation yards" on T'raltixx's home world. See, T'raltixx has to take them to his place, because a disappearing device for Moya would be too big to build anywhere else. When asked if he trusts T'raltixx, Crichton says that T'raltixx is blind, and that "barring the Yoda factor," if he causes any trouble, they can lock him up. Pilot repeats his question, and Crichton duhs, "Hell, no, I don't trust him. Do I look stupid to you?" Pilot blinks wearily, and Crichton quickly tells him not to answer that. He explains that when they get close, Pilot can do a long-range scan of the planet, and Aeryn will check it out in her Prowler to make sure it's safe. He insists, "I think it's worth the risk." Pilot sighs and announces that he's changing course.
Moya vrooms toward five prettily glowing pulsars. Up in Command, T'raltixx explains that his planet is a day's travel past the pulsars. Zhaan gazes admiringly at the flares from the pulsars, and T'raltixx says, "I should warn you..." Crichton interrupts, "Here it comes." T'raltixx insists that it's nothing to worry about, but that sometimes the light from the pulsars affects "lesser species." He clarifies: "Genetic laborers, ungifted menials. It's rare that it would disturb beings of your sentient stature." D'Argo asks what kind of effect the light has. T'raltixx explains that it impairs judgment and may cause some "wooooooziness." He really enjoyed saying "wooziness." I enjoyed it, too. T'raltixx adds that the effects are "minor and temporary." Everyone gazes out at the pulsars, and Crichton asks how everyone feels. D'Argo and Rygel say that they're fine. Zhaan volunteers that she does feel something. And she likes it! She closes her eyes dreamily and murmurs, "The light..." Crichton and D'Argo share an eye-roll and sigh, remembering Zhaan's blissfest from "Till the Blood Runs Clear."
Crichton leads T'raltixx down the corridor and waves two fingers up over his shoulder. T'raltixx immediately says, "Two fingers," and explains that he has an "internal radar" and can sense motion. To prove the point, he steps over a DRD that has paused on the floor in front of him. Crichton asks T'raltixx to wait for a minute, and pops back into the cargo bay, where Chiana is sitting at the table in front of a pile of crackers. He asks what she's doing, and Chiana says, "I'm having sex with three Hynerian donkeys. What does it look like?" Crichton asks why she didn't join them on Command to look at the pulsars, and she pretends to be world-weary and assures him that the light won't affect her. She crunches some more crackers, and Crichton tensely asks if she's saving any for the rest of the crew. With her mouth full, Chiana says, "Oh woh duhs poey mooo," which means, "Oh, well, there's plenty more." As Crichton exits, D'Argo arrives. and they give each other a weird look before Crichton twirls his way back to T'raltixx. Chiana tells D'Argo, "He thinks I'm stealing food!" D'Argo takes in the pile of crackers on the table and asks, "Are you?" Heh. I think Chiana should be offended -- not at the accusation of stealing, but at the idea that she's such a bad thief that she'd sit in plain sight and eat the stolen food right where she found it. Chiana says no, and then adds, "We've gotta talk."
Crichton continues leading T'raltixx through the ship. Apparently, they're having some trouble finding suitable accommodations, because the engine noise bothers T'raltixx. As they pass Rygel's quarters, Rygel aggressively says that T'raltixx can't stay in his room. Not that anyone asked. Crichton points out, "All his senses are heightened, including his nose. You might kill him without intending to." They start to move on, but then Crichton pops back to quietly tell Rygel, "Chiana's eating all the food." As he leads T'raltixx on, Crichton mentions, "[Rygel] eats and craps his body weight twice a day." Thanks for sharing, Crichton. It would be funny to find out that his time on Moya had actually improved Crichton's conversational skills. Like if DK turned up and was all, "Jeez, dude, you've gotten all snotty and high-class. I don't even know you anymore."
Aeryn's still fiddling with the beacon when a hologram of Scorpius springs out like a Jack-in-the-Box. Which would be a pretty awesome toy if you want to traumatize some kids, actually. The message itself seems to be stuck, since Scorpius just says "Reward for the capture of John Crichton" a few times. Aeryn tries thumping the beacon, and the hologram vanishes. Zhaan strolls over and asks what's up. Aeryn explains that there's a glitch in the message, and that she's looking for more data. Zhaan asks, "Like what?," and Aeryn replies, "Like, I don't know, like why don't you leave me alone and go and sit in the sun?" Zhaan smiles in a pissed-off way and wonders if maybe there's a message from Scorpius offering Aeryn a pardon if she'll turn the others in. Aeryn snaps, "Do you have to be so frelling annoying? I'm trying to work here." Crichton's voice comes over the comm, asking where Zhaan is. Zhaan calls, "I'm up in the maintenance bay, John, about to have a fight with Aeryn." Aeryn chuckles fakely. Crichton reminds them about the pulsars, and Zhaan says, "That's right. [T'raltixx] said that it affected lesser species. That might explain her behavior." Aeryn rolls her eyes, and Crichton tells Zhaan to come handle T'raltixx: "You brought his fuzzy ass on board, and he's driving me nuts." Zhaan catches a note of impending craziness in Crichton's voice, and asks if he's all right. Crichton grrs, "I'm fine. Just get your big, blue butt down here!"
The camera swings through the corridor and finds D'Argo exploring an odd noise. He enters the maintenance bay, where Rygel is posed in front of his own pile of crackers. D'Argo growls, "What are you doing?" Rygel stammers a little, and D'Argo marches forward and hauls Rygel up by his robes. Hands on the puppet! Rygel quickly explains that he heard Chiana was stealing food. D'Argo says, "So you decided to get here first?" He adds, "Chiana told me that you would start to rob from us." Rygel whimpers and insists that Chiana's the thief, not him. D'Argo says that if Rygel wants crackers, he can have them. He slams Rygel onto his back and grabs a fistfull of crackers, and then shoves them into Rygel's mouth. Rygel gags and struggles and aw, look at his cute little teeth! D'Argo shoves more and more crackers into Rygel's face as he rants, "We've got plenty. You see? Now eat! You've got three stomachs -- one of them must be empty! EAT 'EM!" I wonder if D'Argo's trying to make pate de foam gras. That would give them something to put on the crackers, at least. D'Argo finally steps back, and Rygel whimpers sadly on the table. D'Argo stares at him and then says, "Grrrah!" Or possibly, "Khhhrrrggh!" And off he stomps.
Zhaan is reclining happily on some reflective material as T'raltixx calls Pilot, worried that something's wrong with her. He think she's in a trance. Pilot asks, "Is she...smiling?" T'raltixx says that she is. In fact, she's purring, with her hands curled up around her face. Pilot discretely suggests that she's just "enjoying" the pulsars. He explains, "She's a plant. Put her in the light, watch her smile." T'raltixx has another question: "Crichton and the rest on Moya -- do you like them?" Pilot ponders that and rather wonderingly says, "You know, I don't think I do like them." T'raltixx hms, "I thought as much."
Crichton roams the halls, calling for Pilot. When Pilot answers, Crichton complains that they've been calling him for half an arn. Pilot says that there must be a problem with their comms. Crichton grumps, "Have you noticed anything different around here, shell-head?" Pilot fumes while Crichton explains that everyone's acting weird, and asks Pilot to analyze the light to see if it's affecting them. Pilot agrees to run a scan. Crichton sarcastically says, "Thank you so much." Pilot grunts. From down the hall, Crichton hears Aeryn and Chiana arguing, and goes to investigate.
In the maintenance bay, Chiana is demanding that Aeryn show her the message on the beacon. The hologram of Scorpius flashes in and out as Aeryn tells Chiana to back off. Chiana starts to say, "Zhaan told us you were --" when Crichton enters and asks what's going on. Aeryn says that it's nothing, but Chiana goes straight to him and claims that there's a hidden message on the beacon that Aeryn won't let her see. Aeryn says that there's no hidden message. Crichton quickly tells Aeryn to play the message: "If there's nothing secret on the beacon, then show her the message, and she can get the hell out of here." Chiana recoils and asks why Crichton wants her to see the message. She suspiciously asks, "What's on there [that] you want me to see?" Aeryn leans over and rubs her head in the background, and Crichton quietly says, "Aeryn's right. You're freakin' insane." Aeryn looks upward and sighs, "Thank you," at this validation. D'Argo turns up to join the wacky free-for-all, and Crichton doesn't even turn around as he sneers, "Go back to your mountain, Grizzly, you're not wanted here."
Chiana says that Aeryn and Crichton are up to something: "First of all, they don't want me to watch the beacon, and now they want me to watch the beacon!" It is pretty insidious when you look at it that way. Crichton says that he could "give a squirrel's nut" what she watches, and gestures toward her face. Chiana squeaks and shakes away from him. D'Argo pulls Crichton back and asks why they won't show Chiana the message. Crichton tells D'Argo not to touch him, and D'Argo promptly punches him in the face. They're a contrary bunch. Aeryn rushes over and gets in front of D'Argo as she whoas, "Oh, I don't think so." She and D'Argo eye each other as Crichton picks himself up off the floor. Crichton tries to calm things down, saying, "We're fighting over lousy crackers and secret messages that don't exist!" The music gets all swirly like a flashback is going to break out at any second, and Aeryn and D'Argo keep on smirking at each other in that special "I'm about to rip your throat out" way. Crichton continues, "We were never normal, guys...Someone wanna tell me what's happening?" Heh. D'Argo finally turns away and offers a small, "Sorry, John." D'Argo and Chiana cuddle against each other, and Crichton insists that once they're past the pulsars everything will go back to normal. Aeryn opens her eyes really wide and adds, "Chiana, feel free to take a look, or not take a look; I really don't care." Chiana nods and agrees that she'll do whatever she wants. Aeryn gives her a thumbs up and enthuses, "Great!" Chiana heads out, and as she goes Aeryn adds, "You know, I was only trying to--" and then she screams, "-- BE POLITE!" She hurries out through the opposite door. D'Argo asks if Crichton's okay, and, without getting answer, adds, "I'm good," and follows Chiana out.
Once D'Argo's gone, Crichton menaces, "Yeah, you're real good." He calls for Pilot and goes out the way Aeryn went. The camera pans up to reveal...oh dear, again. T'raltixx is clinging to the ceiling, and his head is turned all the way around so that he's looking down at the floor. Or he would be looking down if he had eyes. You know what I mean. A DRD on a nearby bulkhead beeps at him, and T'raltixx turns and leans down. Then a row of bright lights open up on his face where his eyes should be, and a bolt of energy bursts out, zapping the DRD. The DRD drops to the floor with a clunk as sparks shoot out of it. Aw. T'raltixx then skitters across the ceiling, which is something that probably disturbs Johanna, who has issues with things crawling across ceilings. To me it just looks goofy.
Moya continues past the pretty pulsars as Crichton tells T'raltixx that the pulsars are making everyone nuts. T'raltixx -- having apparently skittered back to where he's supposed to be -- insists that he's never heard of the pulsars affecting people so "drastically." Zhaan's still stretched out happily, wiggling her fingers like maybe she can see trails. Crichton asks why the pulsars don't affect T'raltixx himself, and T'raltixx explains that maybe since he's got no optic neurons to be affected by the light. From the floor, Zhaan urges Crichton just to enjoy the light, and Crichton grumbles, "Yeah, have another one, Blue Girl." Not one of his most creative nicknames. He tells T'raltixx about Zhaan's photogasms and adds, "Unless she's faking it -- they can do that, y'know." Zhaan giggles that she's not faking it. T'raltixx suggests that maybe they should turn back, and Zhaan immediately wakes up and insists that she wants Moya to start going in circles where they are. Crichton, slightly more rationally, notes that they're already past the halfway point, so turning around doesn't make any sense. T'raltixx says that the effects of the pulsars should begin to diminish. Crichton says, "They'd better." Or? Or he'll blow something up, I guess. That's his solution to everything. Just you watch.
Aeryn, rifle in hand, moves through the corridors. She's so pretty. The soundtrack goes, "Ooooh, aaaah," and there's a whizzy noise as well, and one of those sounds causes her to hiss, "Rygel, I know you're down here." She rushes for a vent, pops off the cover, and finds Rygel cowering inside. She grabs him by the neck as he whimpers, "Did D'Argo send you to finish the job?" Hands on the puppet! Aeryn calls him "a coward and a zannet," and adds that, nonetheless, she can trust him because he's too much of a coward to betray her. And too much of a zannet, I presume. Rygel gets as far as "I trust you, too, Aeryn," before she tells him to shut up. Aeryn says that she has a plan, and needs him to watch her back. She, um, cocks her rifle? She does something that makes it click and beep, anyway, and then aims it at Rygel's head and asks if he wants to volunteer.
In what we'll pretend is another corridor, Chiana is consulting D'Argo. She still thinks that Aeryn is hiding a secret message on the beacon. D'Argo takes the idea and runs with it, speculating that Aeryn's trying to turn them all in to Scorpius. Chiana wonders if Aeryn's working with Crichton. D'Argo shakes his head rapidly and exhales, because I guess he wanted to show off his chicken impression just then. He says that they'll have to get off Moya to be safe. Before he can continue that thought, Zhaan walks into view, and Chiana ducks away as she grumps, "You deal with it." D'Argo turns and asks Zhaan what she wants, and she duhs, "More light." D'Argo asks if she's working with Crichton, and Zhaan sneers, "What are you talking about?" and walks away. D'Argo calls her back and, when Zhaan turns, he gives her a tongue-lashing. You know, in that way he does. Zhaan collapses, and Chiana jumps out and boggles. D'Argo says, "She's definitely working with Crichton." Chiana agrees: "Definitely."
Meanwhile, Pilot is running down to a weary Crichton what he sees as the defects in the human species. Pilot admits, "I'm only judging based on my experience with you." Pilot, we don't all have crazy hair: honest. Crichton asks if Pilot's run a scan on the pulsar light. Pilot asks, "How do humans make it through a cycle -- even half a cycle -- without killing each other?" Crichton grunts, "We find it difficult," and asks again about the scan. Pilot, undeterred, notes, "You're not particularly smart, can hardly smell, can barely see, and you're not even vaguely physically or spiritually imposing." He asks if there's anything humans do well, and Crichton suggests, "Watch football." Pilot says that nobody trusts him, although sometimes the others pity him for his incompetence. Heh. Crichton starts to climb up onto Pilot's console and fiddle with it in an attempt to run the scan himself. Pilot starts flapping at him and grumbling, "Don't touch my console!" They start playing patty-cake and yelling at each other until something on the console goes kerblooey, tossing Crichton onto the floor. Pilot sighs, "I warned you." Crichton hops to his feet wearing Confused Expression #17, and asks Pilot what's wrong. So, doing violence to Crichton kind of wakes him up. Only on this show can you actually beat some sense into people. Pilot insists that he's fine, and Crichton confirms that the pulsar light doesn't reach into Pilot's hidey-hole: "You can't actually see the light. So why are you being affected by it?" Pilot snaps that it isn't affecting him. Crichton yells, "I've been in the light, Zhaan's been in the light, but..." He snaps his fingers to indicate an epiphany, and marches out.
Crichton calls, "Hey guys, I think I'm on to something," and strides into the maintenance bay. Where Aeryn immediately whirls and aims her gun at him as she warns him off. Rygel's in the background, by another pile of crackers, as Aeryn explains, "We're only taking our equal share of food." Rygel urges Aeryn to shoot Crichton if he comes any closer. Crichton sighs, "Don't make me crazy, okay?" The audience screams, "Too late!" Crichton insists that he doesn't care about the crackers, but of course, Rygel does. Crichton grouses, "Food? Is that what this is all about?" The music gets all whirly again, and Crichton snaps, "Okay, then where's my ice cream?" Aeryn and Rygel are understandably perplexed, and Crichton repeats his question. Rygel says, "I have no idea what 'eyes is green' is." Crichton babbles that Rygel's playing dumb, and sings the "I scream/You scream..." ditty while Aeryn lowers her gun. Crichton goes on ranting, "Baskin Robbins, Ben and Jerry's, Good Humor..." He heads for the door and spits out, "What's your favorite, Creamsicle or Fudgsicle?" and then runs away.
Pilot calls T'raltixx on the comm and asks where the DRDs have gone. T'raltixx apologizes and explains that he needs the DRDs to help him. We see the DRDs clinging to the walls behind T'raltixx, and long ropes of wire draped all over. Oh, he's installing cable! Cool. T'raltixx says that the darkness hurts his nonexistent eyes. No seriously, that's what he says. He tells Pilot that he needs to make bright light. If only he needed to make Lite-Brites, all of this trouble could have been avoided. T'raltixx says, "I'm just altering Moya's bioluminescence for a few moments. It won't hurt her. Trust me." Pilot says that he doesn't trust T'raltixx, so T'raltixx asks whether Pilot trusts the rest of the crew. Pilot isn't sure. T'raltixx then asks if Pilot needs the crew, and that's easier to answer. Pilot says, "No. They get in the way more than help." He's not wrong. T'raltixx prepares to make Pilot an offer he can't refuse.
Zhaan, still unconscious, has been pulled into the maintenance bay. D'Argo is fussing with the module and starting to bicker with Chiana. Crichton strolls in and takes in the scene before calmly asking if D'Argo killed Zhaan. D'Argo chuckles and explains that he just, um, tongued her. As it were. Incidentally, we get a rare opportunity to see Zhaan's feet here. She appears to be wearing loafers painted blue to match her skin. It's not a good look. I always thought she'd wear sandals. Anyway, D'Argo claims to know that Zhaan was working with Crichton, while Chiana wriggles in under D'Argo's arm like a puppy. Crichton ignores the accusation and calls them "Gilligan and Mary Ann." Then he muses about whether Chiana's more like Ginger, and says, "I'd have to see you in a Wonderbra to know." Given that Chiana's cleavage is airbrushed on, I think not. Crichton asks, "Where are you guys takin' the Minnow?" I've just formed a new theory: Crichton gradually goes nuts in the course of the show because the poor little overworked translator microbes are getting revenge by frying his brain one neuron at a time. Chiana says they're leaving Moya. Crichton disagrees, and holds up a circuit board: "Afraid it needs this to fly." He adds that he's disabled the hangar doors so that nobody can leave. With that, he exits. D'Argo stares after Crichton while Chiana frets, "He didn't care about Zhaan." She wriggles away from D'Argo and complains, "You said she was working for him." D'Argo stammers in confusion and starts to stroke Chiana's face, but she jumps away and snaps, "Stay back!" She hurries away, and D'Argo's left alone saying, "Um..."
In Command, Aeryn shoves the big desk across the floor to block the door. She tells Rygel that she's not going to steal his food, so he needs to stay alert while she finishes blocking the door. Rygel insists that he's watching her back, and Aeryn grumbles that, with his help, she'll survive an extra 2 microts. Rygel says that he could pop back into the ducts if he wanted. Aeryn asks, "Run away, as always?" Rygel huffs, "I never run away. I strategically maneuver!" Heh. Aeryn draws her gun and takes aim at Rygel, but they're interrupted when Crichton calls the obligatory "Heeeeeeere's Johnny!," and pokes his head around the door and into the room. Aeryn tells him to go away, and Crichton ducks around to the other side of the door as she aims at him. He eyes the barricade and asks, "What's going on? Is this a French Revolution type of thing?" Aeryn keeps her gun trained on him as she tells him to keep out. Crichton admits that he might be crazy, at which Aeryn nods a little like, "Yeah, what else is new?" He insists that he's got a plan, which is also business as usual. He suggests, "We all put our guns down, lock 'em in a closet. That way nobody gets hurt." Aeryn doesn't like it. Crichton wheedles, "Honey, please?" Heh.
Aeryn fires, and Crichton ducks out of the way behind a bulkhead. Aeryn leans through the doorway and calls, "time you'll be a crouton, Crichton." Er. Well, she's new to the punning. Crichton calls for Pilot, who asks in a very HAL 9000 mellow way if anything's wrong. Crichton hisses that "that damn Peacekeeper bitch" has barricaded herself in Command. He asks Pilot to shut down the lights and power to Command, but Pilot says, "I'm sorry, John. I cannot do that." Aeryn interrupts, poking her head into the corridor to ask Crichton if he's having trouble. She points her gun at her own head and says that he'll only take her gun away when she's dead. Crichton snorts and gestures to his own head as he says, "Look at what you're doing!" Aeryn glances at the gun, laughs merrily, and lowers the gun. She leans back to tell Rygel, "He's absolutely right -- the power setting's too low!" She turns the dial on the gun and lunges back out the door to fire at Crichton, who ducks again. Aeryn calls, "Thank you! So much better!" Crichton shouts, "You missed! Ah ha ha ha ha!" Then he runs away. The fake triumphant laugh is my second favorite thing in this episode, I think.
Chiana has pulled the beacon out into the corridor, for some reason, and watches as the hologram of Scorpius says, "His name: John Crichton" a few times. Crichton wanders up and asks her what she's doing. Chiana starts to run away, but Crichton grabs her arms and holds her very close as he asks why she's messing with the beacon. Chiana purrs that she's not doing anything. Then she knees him in the groin, and runs off while he collapses onto the floor. Crichton moans and tells the hologram, "They don't get it, Scorpy. They don't get how crazy they are." The hologram replies, "You're right, John. They don't get it." Crichton stares up at Scorpius as the hologram continues, "They don't get how crazy they are because --" Then the hologram turns into...well, not the real Scorpius, really, and in fact it's a less real Scorpius than the hologram version, but let's just say that the actor is actually standing there in the scene now, and you can decide for yourself how the word "real" should be applied. So: Scorpius steps away from the beacon and bends down by a boggled Crichton before finishing, "-- 'cause they stole the crackers."
Aeryn is messing with a large bundle of wires as Rygel sneers at her chances of taking over the ship. Aeryn says that she's disabled Pilot's ability to monitor them. She adds, "We just have to hope that the others keep him busy." Rygel's not too impressed with that plan, but Aeryn insists that a soldier has to take chances. The point here is: they bicker. Come to think of it, I could have summarized three-quarters of the episode with those two words. Wish I'd thought of that earlier.
Crichton stalks the corridor, Scorpius trailing behind and talking with an echoey voice. It's kind of nice to see Scorpius again like this, back before he became the Fonzie, or the Spike, or whatever your personal example is of a character whose popularity far exceeded his usefulness. Scorpius says, "You remember that cracker? That older kid, Howie Lewis, who beat you up for it? You were just twelve." Crichton goes on ducking around corners as Scorpius describes how Crichton poured sugar into the tank of Howie's Harley, and concludes, "Revenge is a dish best served cold, and you like revenge, don't you?" Crichton finally turns around and tells Scorpius to shut up. He mutters, "I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare." Well, lucky for you he wasn't quoting Shakespeare, then. Grumble. Star Trek has so goddamned much to answer for. Scorpius tells Crichton that they're coming to kill him; cue the whirly music as he adds, "We'd better get ready."
T'raltixx shouts, "I need more light!" Pilot's all, "I canna give her any more poweh, Cap'n," only without the accent. T'raltixx whines, "Please, Pilot. You save me, then I'll save you." Pilot, lucid for a moment, asks what he needs to be saved from. T'raltixx insists that the rest of the crew is plotting against him, and repeats that Pilot can't trust them. Pilot sighs that he'll boost the power to T'raltixx's whajamahoozit.
D'Argo is looking very vigilant with his Qualta blade up over his shoulder. Unfortunately, he's not actually being very vigilant, since Crichton jumps out with his gun drawn and orders D'Argo to drop his sword. They don't go for a Princess Bride reference here, for some reason. D'Argo stares at Crichton, who calls, "Down, boy. Roll over." That can't possibly help. D'Argo drops the Qualta blade and tells Crichton to go ahead and kill him. Swirly music, and from off on the sidelines Scorpius urges, "Go on, John, do it. Then we can go to the beach!" Crichton stares at D'Argo while Scorpius adds, "I know a place with naked Sebacean girls and margarita shooters." Heh. Okay, that's my third favorite part. Crichton tells Scorpius to go away, and then pulls out a second gun that he aims at Scorpius. When Crichton turns his head, D'Argo twitches like he's going to pick up the Qualta blade, but Crichton turns back and asks, "Am I being irrational?" He thinks for a minute and says, "Well, have a little pain," and shoots D'Argo in the leg. Crichton and Scorpius advance toward the fallen D'Argo, and Scorpius says, "Finish him. Then we can go to that little Eye-talian joint I know." Crichton turns and aims both guns at Scorpius as he explains, "I don't like Eye-talian." How can you not like Italian food? He really is nuts. Scorpius repeats that Crichton should kill D'Argo. Crichton grunts, "Yeah," and turns back to where D'Argo is. Or, dun dun dunnn, was, because now there's just a trail of blood leading toward the door. Crichton chuckles.
Chiana is jumping around nervously as she moves through the corridor, calling for D'Argo and Zhaan. From off-camera, Crichton says, "Hi, baby," and when Chiana turns, he throws her against a bulkhead and stands close behind her. Chiana squirms and insists, "I can help you!" Crichton shoves his gun into her back and hisses, "I'm still aching from the last time you helped me. What a slut." The camera moves in on their faces so we can't see exactly what's going on as he pulls at her and she jerks. But we can probably guess, since he then asks, "Is that why your family abandoned you? Because you'd spread 'em for anybody, anytime?" Chiana tries to turn her head and whimpers, "Please don't." Crichton says, "No, 'fraid not. My little black book is all full." He raises the gun to the side of her neck. Then the camera starts to pull back so that there's room for Scorpius to lean in and urge some, ahem, restraint. Scorpius suggests tying Chiana up and saving her "for dessert." Crichton starts to lower the gun, and Chiana turns her head back to look at him as Scorpius adds, "Kill the others. Then we can have a little bit of fun with her." Crichton moves his face through Chiana's hair and admits that he likes that idea. Chiana shivers like a bunny, and Crichton finally clonks her on the back of the head with his gun. And all of that was my favorite part. It's just so wrong.
Up in Command, Rygel whines that he can hear Crichton coming. Aeryn asks if Rygel's going to sell her out to Crichton. Rygel protests, and Aeryn snaps, "You're lying! You know how I know that? Because you always lie." She starts to list Rygel's faults, which is her first mistake, since that's the sort of activity that could keep you busy for years. Luckily, it only takes a half-dozen items before Rygel gets fed up and zooms his way across the room to attack her. Another mistake, since of course Aeryn sees him coming and smacks him right off his throne. Heh.
All of this distracts Aeryn from Crichton's entrance, so by the time she notices him, he's got both of his guns pointed at her. She aims back at him anyway, and Crichton yammers that Aeryn has some character problems: "First you betray the Peacekeepers, and every vow you've made since you were born. And now poor Sparky here?" He sidles across the room as he continues, "Tell, me Princess: when you're old and fat, will you have anything to look back on with pride?" Aeryn waits for a beat, and then asks if that's all. She says, "Why don't you make another speech, you self-important, deficient little man. All you ever do is talk!" She says that Crichton's dad was the hero, and Crichton is "just this test monkey that screwed up [his] first experiment." Crichton chortles, and Aeryn lowers her gun as he calls her a "frigid, flat-butted Peacekeeper skank!" At the "flat-butted" part, Aeryn glances down like she wants to check out her ass. Heh. That's probably my fourth-favorite part.
Aeryn raises her gun again, and Scorpius says, "Kill her!" He's now wearing a very loud shirt over his S&M-wear. I mean, seriously. Even in space, you can hear this shirt. Scorpius tries bribes again: "Then we'll have pizza. And margarita shooters." Scorpius pulls two bottles of liquor out from behind his back, and urges Crichton to shoot Aeryn. Crichton turns one gun toward Scorpius and says, "Nobody has margaritas with pizza." Point. Aeryn looks questioningly at the empty space Crichton is threatening. Scorpius holds his hands up and backs away, saying, "You're out of your mind, John." Crichton pulls up his second gun and says that he knows that, and then fires. Scorpius's head is knocked off, and then there are a dozen little spinning Scorpius-heads twirling around and laughing for a moment. Then they multiply, until the screen is full of laughing heads, and then they vanish. Aeryn asks, "Are you cracking up, little man?" Crichton, calm again, tries to tell her that he's okay, and asks her to listen. Aeryn snaps that she's tired of listening to him. Crichton fumes, "I just shot Scorpius!" Aeryn says, "When I'm old and fat --" and then she looks down and corrects herself, "When I'm old, there is one thing I'm going to look back on with enormous pride, and that is killing you." Crichton says that Scorpius wanted him to shoot Aeryn. I'm not sure what she's supposed to do with that information. Neither is she, so she shoots past Crichton's head, hitting the wall behind him. She smirks, and Crichton shoots a wall to the left in what I guess is an "Oh yeah, even I can hit the broadside of a barn" gesture. Then Aeryn shoots at him in earnest, and there's a lot of ducking and jumping and shooting and exploding for a minute or so. And then they're out of juice. The guns, I mean. From her hiding place, Aeryn asks, "Have you got any spare cartridges?" Crichton leaps out from his own corner and rushes toward her with a roar. They run toward each other shouting as we fade out.
And we fade up onto the sight of an unconscious Aeryn getting dragged down a corridor. Yeah, I don't buy it either, but what're you gonna do? Crichton has collected the entire crew, and tied them to the table, which is still piled high with crackers. He handcuffs Aeryn to one of the table legs and pours some water onto her face to wake her up. Then he wanders over to kick D'Argo in his wounded leg before saying, "Now that we're all here, and so happy, do you think we could all get along for three microts?" D'Argo gets a point for saying, "No." Crichton draws his gun and says, "But D'Argo, I need you understand that crackers don't matter." We have a title! Crichton fires and blasts one of the cracker-piles into crumbs. He giggles crazily for a while and tells them, "Today's assignment is...anyone? Anyone?" He walks over to the door, spins it closed, and gets his Don Pardo on by calling, "A brand-new car!" On the other side of the door, he's written, "T'raltixx." Crichton explains that ever since T'raltixx came aboard, they've been fighting. More than usual, that is. He mentions seeing Scorpius, and yammers and yammers and finally gets to the point, which is that they aren't being affected by the pulsars. Rygel starts to argue, and gets some crackers exploded all over him for his trouble. Crichton says, "We are past the pulsars. So how come we're acting even crazier? Zhaan?" Zhaan gets up from a seat in the back, and grumbles that she's busy. Crichton says, "Yes, yes, private moment #344. Tell them!" Eventually, Zhaan admits that she was more affected when she was near T'raltixx. She dreamily remembers, "He made me feel..." Crichton tells her to go for #345, and asks the others to help him. It's Aeryn's turn to refuse. Crichton makes a "beep-beep-beep" nose as he tracks his gun toward her and then explodes some more crackers onto her. This is kind of hellish to recap, y'know. You try describing that without making hand gestures.
Pilot tells T'raltixx that he's overloading the system. T'raltixx keeps bellowing that he needs more light. Pilot finally agrees, and the room T'raltixx is in glows a little more. I think T'raltixx could just walk over and turn the dimmer switch up for the same effect. Lazy bastard. T'raltixx's eyes, or whatever they are, glow too, and he says, "All of Moya is beginning to glow! I am maaagnificeeeeent!" Or goofy. You decide. We cut to an exterior showing light pouring out of all the little lines on Moya.
Crichton goes back to the door and says, "I want you to look at what he's doing to Moya!" He swings the door open, and light pours into the room. Everyone blinks and turns away, except for Zhaan, who preens. Heh. Crichton says that the walls are glowing. So, why aren't the walls glowing in the room they're in? Oh well. There are plenty of good things about this show, but "making sense" was never a big priority. D'Argo asks why T'raltixx would want them all to fight. Crichton explains that it's to distract them from T'raltixx's nefarious scheme. Aeryn munches on a cracker as she says, "I'll kill him. Undo me." Crichton aims his gun at her and asks if he can trust her. Aeryn pulls another cracker-bit out of her cleavage and says, "No." Crichton puts his gun away and smirks, "At least you're honest." He removes the cuff, and Aeryn immediately grabs him and snarls, "Unless you plan on actually pulling the trigger, don't ever pull a gun on me like that again!" Crichton moves his mouth a lot while Aeryn yells at him like he's contemplating new ways of making her shut up. They're so cute. He finally says that he was just making a point, and Aeryn of course says she was, too. Crichton stares at her and gasps, "Don't -- stop it -- focus here."
Aeryn moves away, and as she starts untying the others, Crichton starts coming up with one his patented crazy plans: "T'raltixx said that we're attacked through our optic neurons. That's how he's getting to us." So, we're assuming that the bad guy was telling the truth about that because....eh, whatever. Crichton says that they need to figure out how to protect him from the light and heat, and then he'll go kill T'raltixx. D'Argo snorts at the idea of sending Crichton in, but Crichton insists, "I'm the only one around here keeping it vaguely under control." Cue the bickering about who gets to kill T'raltixx. Chiana, surprisingly, takes Crichton's side, explaining that he isn't as affected "because he's deficient." Crichton doesn't care for that theory, but Chiana points out that he's got the worst vision of any of them. Crichton complains, "I got great eyes! They're better than 20/20, and they're blue!" Chiana asks if he can read what's written on a basin across the room. Crichton turns and looks, and we see a nice copper basin without any markings. Crichton says there's nothing written on it. Rygel chuckles and reads, "Warning..." D'Argo chimes in, "Don't flush corrosives --" and Aeryn puts a hand over one of her eyes and finishes, "-- down the waste tunnel." Crichton huffs that they're playing a joke on him, and Aeryn sighs that they'd better come up with a good plan. As they all parade out of the room, Crichton hisses, "I'm not deficient. I'm superior! Humans are superior!"
Some time later, Zhaan is applying a nice facial mask to Crichton with, for some reason, a pair of forceps. She expositions that it's a "heat-deflecting paste." Crichton bitches that it smells like puke, and Zhaan chirps, "I pre-digested it to increase its potency." Crichton is displeased. D'Argo appears with a pair of goggles and urges him to hurry. Crichton makes with some meta-commentary about how stupid the goggles look, and D'Argo hands him the Qualta blade as well. Aeryn offers Crichton a shield she made out of a bit of her Prowler. She claims, "It will withstand a Zakkian laser pulse." I see. Chiana throws some solar-reflective material over Crichton's shoulders and pins it as he grouses, "I'm the deficient one and I'm still saving your butts." On cue, Chiana tells him to bend over. He does, and she slaps Crichton's helmet onto his head. It, too, has been coated with goo. Crichton asks if he looks ridiculous. Well, the hat is actually covering his hair, so it sort of balances out. Aeryn blinks and nods slightly. Rygel zooms over and says, "Don't worry, this is T'raltixx's disappearing device, so it won't matter how ridiculous you look." Chiana hangs the device around Crichton's neck, so it covers his abdomen. Everyone else steps back to admire their work, and Crichton hums "The Ride of the Valkyries" and suddenly strikes a heroic pose, thrusting his sword up into the air, with his shiny cloak flapping over his shoulders, covered in green goo. There's a Camelot-ish flourish on the soundtrack, and Aeryn sighs, "We are going to die."
They've moved into the corridor outside T'raltixx's room now. D'Argo expositions that T'raltixx's device is now attached to the module. Crichton orders them to turn it on for only ten microts: "No more, no 'mippippippi,' I do not want to blow up." Y'know, one reason we didn't recap Farscape regularly is because every recap would be a mass of links to explain all the in-jokes and references. Aeryn instructs Crichton to cut the power conductors, which will reduce T'raltixx's strength enough for Crichton to kill him. Which they know because...well, like I said, they're not big with the sense. Crichton's ready for battle, so Aeryn tells Rygel to start the module. They've got Rygel running the module? Not that kind of show, not that kind of show. Rygel fires up the engines, and Crichton turns into a vague CGI shimmer. He asks, "Is it working?" and D'Argo tells him it is. Crichton hurries into T'raltixx's room, and Aeryn and D'Argo begin feeding out the extra-extra-extra-long extension cord connecting Crichton to the module.
The vague blur that is Crichton marches into T'raltixx's room. T'raltixx immediately shouts that there's someone in the room. Pilot says that he doesn't see anyone else.
In the module, Rygel counts "Five, six..."
Crichton swings his blurry sword and severs a set of glowy power cords. T'raltixx jumps and asks Pilot what he's doing. Pilot hrms, "Nothing." Crichton cuts another set of cords.
Rygel counts, "Nine, ten." He waits a beat, and continues, "Eleven, twelve..."
Crichton cuts another set of cords as T'raltixx shouts, "Stop!" Then he spots the extension cord trailing across the floor and blasts it with his ray-emitting not-eyes. The cord sizzles, and Crichton reappears just as he's about to hack through some more cords. Crichton pauses long enough to grouse, "Crap!" and makes with the chopping. T'raltixx mwah-ha-has, "You can't stop me! I have the light!" Crichton strikes a dramatic pose and wails, "But humans are superiooooor!" before slicing another set of cords. T'raltixx shoots out a few blasts of energy, but Crichton deflects them with his shield and edges across the room. T'raltixx says that he'll kill Crichton, and then there's a super-cheesy shot as T'raltixx...jumps? Flies? Floats? Well, somehow he's clinging to the thing he's been hooking up all the power cords to. The flux capacitor, the oscillation overthruster, the MacGuffin. Whatever the hell it is. T'raltixx goes on spewing evil threats while Crichton hacks through more of the power cords. We cut away so that they can switch props, and then Crichton is holding the Qualta gun, aiming at T'raltixx, who is still busy moaning about the light. Crichton shoots, and T'raltixx drops to the floor. T'raltixx rants, "There are thousands just like me. We will find another Leviathan to make our light! And when we do, we'll spread like a plague! We'll rise from our dormancy and kill you all!" But, y'know, why? What did he want the light for, anyway? I think this is the big speech that's supposed to explain everything. Not so much. Plus, he'd probably be scarier if he didn't have a bellows in his head. Crichton declares, "I told them it was a mistake bringing you on board," and stabs the Qualta down through T'raltixx and gives it a sharp twist. T'raltixx screams, and light streams out of his not-eyes, and the MacGuffin explodes. For some reason. Hooray, the ill-defined threat has been vanquished!
Sometime later, D'Argo and Rygel are, yes, eating crackers, while Pilot apologizes to them both. Pilot explains that T'raltixx brought out the worst in him. D'Argo says that T'raltixx did the same thing to all of them. Rygel, being Rygel, simply sniffs, "Your apology is accepted." Pilot thanks them. The best thing about this scene is that on the table is a DRD, who is poking at a pile of crackers with one of its attachments. Aw! D'Argo looks at Rygel and awkwardly says that he's ashamed about what he did. Rygel says, "I thought you were going to kill me." D'Argo apologizes and asks if Rygel can forgive him. Rygel grunts, "No," and after a second adds, "Not yet."
In Command, Crichton, Aeryn, Chiana, and Zhaan are all shoving the table back into position. Crichton wonders how Aeryn moved the thing all by herself. Aeryn shrugs that she "just did." Aeryn moves away, and Chiana rather merrily tells Crichton, "Some of the things you said..." Crichton starts to apologize, but Chiana says, "I was impressed. How did you come with all that crap?" Crichton, I think significantly, looks over at Aeryn and says, "I don't know, Pip, it was just there." Heh. Zhaan wanders over and asks Chiana if she did anything awful. Chiana giggles that Zhaan doesn't remember, and Zhaan explains that her reaction to T'raltixx was so intense that it wiped everything else out. Chiana assures Zhaan that she was fine, while Crichton and Aeryn spend some time studiously not quite looking at each other. Which is practically their hobby at this point in the show. Chiana leaves, and Crichton looks down as he very quietly tells Aeryn, "Listen, uh, anything I said, I, uh..." Aeryn nods quickly and says, "I know. Me, too." She risks a quick glance at him, and he does the same nervous nod she was doing, and she leaves. This part always seemed weird to me, because I don't feel like Aeryn and Crichton were all that horrible too each other. I mean, sure, there's all the trying to kill each other and nasty remarks, so...Actually, I think it's because I didn't see this episode until after I'd seen a lot of the episodes later in Season 2, so it seemed comparatively mild after all that. Anyway. So, Aeryn leaves, and Zhaan stands in the background as Crichton mutters, "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. And all the King's horses and all the King's men..." After a beat, he asks, "Hey, Zhaan. How do we take it all back?" Zhaan shakes her head and says, "I don't know." Some spiritual leader she is. Crichton says, "Yeah." Eh, don't worry, y'all will get used to it soon enough. Cut to a shot of Moya among the stars, and fade out.