Oh, you guys. I thought "Vitas Mortis" was bad, but this -- this "Chiana needs to get her bratty, angsty, dreadlocked teen years out in one episode" episode was just so much worse than I remembered. (I said that about "Vitas Mortis" too, didn't I?) Well, as usual, when Farscape gives you a lemon, the only thing to do is stare at Aeryn's hair and Crichton's ass, chest, hair, face, wrists...ahem.
A bit unsteadily and possibly in slow motion, Chiana clambers through Moya. We can hear a deep, dull throbbing and I start to wonder if Chiana killed an old man and is about to dig up the floorboards. Reaching blindly for a bulkhead, Chiana steadies herself and breathes hard and shudderingly. She really needs to remember to take her Dramamine. Over in another chamber, Crichton messes around with tangles of wires and sparks. Chiana stumbles in, sort of limping, and asks in a forced joking tone what Crichton's breaking now. Irritated, Crichton informs her he's not breaking anything, he's trying to figure out how their navigation system works. Chiana gasps tremulously, "You got a microt?" Crichton really doesn't. But Chiana really has to talk, and her voice is heavy with the quivering that signals one is close to tears. Not hearing any of this, Crichton repeats that he doesn't have the time. "You don't have the time, okay," Chiana half-sobs, and teeters out of the room.
In the maintenance bay, Chiana picks around some tools and holds one up for her gasping inspection. After hitching up her shirt -- you know, farther -- Chiana fires up the tool and drags it across her abdomen. As the thin, curled wire comes into contact with her skin, it glows red and makes a neat, thin, smoking incision. Chiana throws back her head and howls in pain, and suddenly it becomes clear to me why appendectomies are no fun without drugs. Moya tilts gently. Chiana steadies herself, choking on her breath, and reaches out for another tool. With some iron pincers -- which don't look at all sanitized, mind you -- Chiana digs into her side and fishes around the dark blue blood -- is Chiana royal? -- to pull out a red yo-yo with a sickening slurp. She stares at the flat red disk in her hand as it flashes blue a few times before going dark. "Nerri," Chiana breathes. She clasps the disk in both hands and slowly brings her hands up to her forehead, prayer-like. Tears are now on her face. Chiana extends her clasped hands to the heavens, as a curious DRD zips up to her and buloops inquiringly. Enraged by her grief, Chiana screams and brings a fist down on the poor defenseless DRD. It bizzles out, and the smashed yellow casing pops off to reveal wires and green goo. I guess Chiana is the type to kick a puppy if she's angry enough.
A Prowler zips toward a planet. Echoing my thoughts precisely, Aeryn bellows, "That little TRALK!" and storms around the bridge. Crichton says -- rather stupidly, I think -- that they don't know that Chiana stole Aeryn's Prowler. "It's gone, isn't it, Crichton?" Aeryn points out, stalking back and forth like a caged beast. Pilot comments mildly that he didn't immediately detect Chiana's departure because several of his control systems have been offline. I believe there's a rebuke for Crichton somewhere in there. Whenever Pilot's at his mildest, he's also at his most passive-aggressive. As Aeryn bitches about how far away Chiana could be by now, D'Argo and Zhaan walk in. D'Argo flips the red disk to Crichton and tells him it has Chiana's blood all over it. If this were a different show, Crichton would suck it all off. Actually, this IS that kind of show, but Crichton isn't Scorpy and the disk isn't Crichton's neural chip all gooed up with gray matter. Zhaan explains that the mysterious device is known as a "life disk," and some species implant these things in themselves to create a permanent life-link between them and someone close to them. After Crichton wonders why Chiana would take it out, Zhaan explains that whomever the life disk was linked to is dead. The life disk has stopped functioning, stopped beating. People, you're going to hate me, but because Chiana was never really one of my favorite characters and because at this point I really couldn't stand her and wished she had never come on the show, I sort of have no sympathy for her in this episode. I do grow to appreciate her but I never really love her. Especially not after killing the DRD and all that crap with Jothee. So, as a warning to hearty Chi-lovers -- abandon all squishy feelings, ye who enter here. Or just, you know, stop reading. Crichton sighs guiltily, explaining how he blew her off.
Above the surface of a rocky planet, a peevishly yellow lightning storm flashes. Chiana cowers under the wing of the landed Prowler and attempts to talk herself out of being scared. Lightning flashes again, and Chiana catches glimpses of freaks jumping in and out of hiding. Telling them to stop "pleeking" around, she demands they show themselves. Granting her wish, two male humanoids with Cirque du Soiled body paint encroach on her personal space and make appreciative growling noises. Another one caterwauls and leaps into sight and as the lightning flashes yet again, his dilated eyes with striated contacts are illuminated. Does anyone ever wonder whether Rockne invested heavily in Bausch & Lomb? We also see that he's not so timidly gnawing on some fringy mushrooms. SHROOOOOOMS! God, I wish I had a psychedelic risotto full of those babies right now -- it would make this recap so much more pleasant. Craning his head from side to side in a manner not unlike Chiana's hideously annoying tic in those first few episodes of hers, the new arrival -- since he's on the thick side, I'll call him Porkini until they grace us with his actual name -- pulls out a rusty ice pick and whispers, "Sweet nixar, let's mark her." He flings himself at Chiana, and her horrified scream leads us into the can-I-please-just-die-now-so-I-never-have-to-hear-the-remix theme song. Again, not mustering up any feelings of sympathy for Chiana at this point. As far as I'm concerned, this is what you get when you steal from Aeryn. Steal her Prowler, you end up on a dead planet with Haight-Ashbury types. Steal her brush, you end up not having a head to use it on.
Crichton. Radiation. Wormhole. Distant part of the universe. Strange alien life forms. Help me. Insane military commander. Way home. Fun fact: that's what all those Morse codes in Jericho spelled out.
Moya's shuttlecraft is launched with Crichton and Aeryn aboard. On the planet, each has their priorities: Crichton, dressed moodily in his black moody leathers, stares moodily into the distance, dealing with his moody conscience. Aeryn examines her Prowler. Oh, and Rygel's there as well! Crichton notes that the planet is covered in graves and Rygel zooms out to announce, "It's a royal cemetery planet -- haven't you ever seen one?" Crichton hasn't. "Well, where did you bury your leaders on Erp?" Rygel asks wonderingly. We don't bury them, we just keep reelecting them. BOO-YAH! Also, no matter how many times they trot it out, calling Earth "Erp" never fails to get a good long giggle out of me. Especially the way Rygel says it in his royal, plummy tones: "Eahhrp." Rygel is totally disgusted when Crichton quickly tells him where we bury people -- "just underground" -- and then commences yelling for Chiana. "to where you lived, ugh!" Rygel snorts. Better not tell him where my mother keeps my grandparents. ASHES -- where my mother keeps my grandparents' ASHES. Not BODIES, God. Also, you gotta love the guy who gets disgusted by buried bodies but has no problems snacking on a maggot yanked from a pile of decayed flesh. Crichton finds pieces of Chiana's furry clothing -- is it those damn arm warmers of hers that would surely get her Fugged on Erp? -- and picks them up. Aeryn announces that the Prowler seems to be fine, and suggests they get out of there. Gesturing at the arm warmers, Crichton refuses to leave. He takes off and calls back, "You coming?" Aeryn rolls her eyes but follows anyway. Rygel is annoyed and proclaims that he's staying right there. Crichton and Aeryn go on without him. "Don't rob the graves, Sparky!" Crichton orders. Rygel is about to get affronted, but is distracted by a shiny red object. It looks like a very fancy flask or a tin perfume bottle. Rygel moves in to wrench it off and the tomb slides back, exposing piles of other shiny objects. "Yotz!" Rygel breathes. Although he says "Yotzah," like it's a combo of "Yahtzee" and "matzoh" and I know -- Farscape geek that I am -- that the word is usually just "yotz." No extra "ah." Maybe it's their equivalent of "zowie," which could be foreshortened to just "zow." ["Or it's a forerunner of 'Yataa!'" -- Sars] Or maybe I really don't need to be that much of a geek that I wonder about the etymological issues in the UT. But I sort of am.
Down in some dark catacombs, which must be completely stuffed with decaying, decomposing, delicious bodies, Crichton and Aeryn get lost. Someone watches them from behind a corner; distant screams and moans reach their ears. A look of genuine fear on her face, Aeryn runs forward, then stops short. She yanks back Crichton, who, passing her, had been about to barrel right into the middle of things. Looking across they see Chiana, hanging upside down with her knees hooked over a bar, singing to some hanging stone bollards on either side of her head. A weird faze-y force field is hovering around her head and moving with her. Remember when I mentioned that psychedelic risotto earlier? Yeah, well, that's what Justin Monjo had for dinner the night he wrote this episode. The stone singing reminds me of Labyrinth, though. Remember how Bluto could sing to rocks? And the time he sung them to rise out of the water so they could all cross the Bog of Eternal Stench? And how every time they stepped on a rock, it farted? As did the weird anus-looking things spooging out of the bog? Man, even with Whitesnake hair, David Bowie was so hot in that. Chiana's hair has been mud-sculpted into cherry red dreadlocks that stand in spikes all over her head. I'm getting itchy just looking at her.
Quickly formulating a rescue plan, Aeryn volunteers to cover Crichton while he grabs Chiana. Aeryn fires at some stonework over the Stoners' heads. They pause in their rapture and stare at Aeryn, grinning idiotically. Charging forward, Aeryn yells at them to get down on the ground. Chiana has flipped herself down and demands of Crichton, "What are you DOING? No one's ever lasted more than fifty microts in that thing!" Crichton stares at her. One of the Stoners slides a curious hand up Aeryn's thigh. "I wouldn't if I were you," Aeryn growls. The Stoner doesn't seem to heed her, so she grimaces and stamps him in the chest, pointing her gun at another one's forehead. Chiana bitches that they had "no right" to come after her. "We were worried about you," Crichton insists, ignoring my screams of "YOU STOLE AERYN'S PROWLER -- THIS ISN'T ABOUT RIGHTS, BRAT!" Chiana tells Crichton to fuck off, twitching, "Now, I don't have the time." Crichton watches her go, and behind him -- I can't believe I never saw this before -- there's a swinging penis. Upper part of the shot, slightly left of middle, a black, rubbery, SWINGING PENIS! I don't believe it's connected to anyone, and it probably has something to do with the stone singing force field, but still: SWINGING PENIS! How freaking bizarre. I really need to try those mushrooms.
One of the Stoners gets Crichton's attention by calling him, "Hey, Ancient." Crichton, clearly sensitive to the fact that he might not be aging well without a good supply of his Neutrogena Age Shield, snaps, "Who the hell are you talking to?" The Stoner -- the same guy that suggested they "mark" Chiana in the opening -- says his name is "Molnon," but it comes out sounding like "Muhnuh." Stagily bringing out a fringed mushroom from his pocket, he suggests, "Taste?" Meanwhile, one of the other Stoners is transfixed by Aeryn. Molnon creeps over and breathes that "Vyna" is "amazed" by how old Aeryn is. She's got wrinkles and age spots. Not from where I'm standing, bub. Aeryn, annoyed at being called "historic," takes it out on the Stoner under her foot, kicking him once again. Led by Molnon, the Stoners file out, presumably going back to the Wendy House to discuss their Peter Pan complexes. Aeryn and Crichton try to shrug off the Stoners ageist babblings and concentrate on finding Chiana. Crichton tosses the life disk at Aeryn and requests that she ask Chiana about it. Aeryn doesn't want to, but Crichton insists, saying Chiana's already pissed at him. "I'm not good at nice," Aeryn tells Crichton. "Just don't shoot her," Crichton relents.
Rygel is back on Moya and D'Argo is trying to figure out why. Standing behind a conspicuously bumpy pile of figured blue satin, Rygel insists that Aeryn and Crichton left him first when they went looking for Chiana underground. Drawing closer to the conspicuously bumpy pile of figured blue satin, D'Argo rips the figured blue satin back. Grunting and gasping, Rygel loses his fight, and D'Argo exposes the grave robber's haul. "You robbed the dead," D'Argo states, disgusted but completely not surprised by Rygel's behavior. After D'Argo leaves, Rygel opens a box and gazes in ecstasy at a ceremonial gold-edged African-ish mask. Turning the mask over, Rygel gapes at what he finds underneath. Yeah, it's a Hynerian face. Or what's left of it. A black snake slithers out of one of the eyes. Instead of running screaming from the room as I did, Rygel sighs, "Bonus!" He then grabs the snake -- more like a large black maggot, actually -- and eats it. See, that's when I should have run screaming from the room. I also need to remember: don't eat before watching this show. Ever.
Back on the Planet of the Dead, Chiana swigs on something, and probably wonders moodily if her acne will ever clear up and whether she can get out of second-period gym so she can meet up with Jordan Catalano for a smoke. Ignoring the "KEEP OUT THIS MEANS YOU" and "ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK" signs on her door, Aeryn walks in on Chiana's sulk. Dropping the life disk at her feet, Aeryn tells her, "You forgot this," and walks away. She really doesn't do nice. I love her. Chiana -- starved for the attention she can't get from The Cure no matter how many times she plays "Pictures of You" -- quickly says, "It's my brother, Nerri." Aeryn stops and turns back to look at her. She leans against the wall and folds her arms, looking coolly down at Chiana. There will be no soppy coaxing and hand-holding here. "He's terminated. It means he's dead," Chiana says, pathetically. Aeryn says, "I'm sorry." And she means it. Chiana gets up eagerly and tells Aeryn she has to show her around the catacombs. "You know what they do if they want you to stay? They make you run through these rings of fire, like, um, naked! Totally naked. And once you go through that, you go into the Sonic Cowl -- that's where I just was. Your whole body -- it vibrates. You gotta try it." Aeryn, who has been watching Chiana sadly and indulgently, suggests that Chiana's had too much to drink. "Don't be like Crichton," Chiana pleads. "Come on, everyone's so lame on Moya." Chiana entreats Aeryn to stay with her, or at least to stay for The Gathering, which, she's been told, will blow her mind.
Elsewhere in the catacombs, Crichton is being followed. The Stoners freak up behind him, tilting their dumb heads this way and that until he turns around and confronts them. Or something. "Hey guy, we didn't meet earlier," Crichton says sociably to the Stoner resting his head against a wall. "It's too late," the Stoner moans. Molnon turns back to watch them. Crichton tries to understand what he's on about. "The Lost People know," the Stoner complains. Molnon recalls the Stoner, telling him, "Das. Time to jump, garda." Okay, so his name is "Das," but "garda" is like a pet name or something. Like "kid" or "mate" or "man." It's probably more the last one, because I think "garda" is only used with men in this episode and "nixar" with women. In slo-mo, Das walks around Crichton, who follows him out to a pit where all the other Stoners, including Chiana, have gathered. The storm is still flashing. Ignoring the Stoners, Crichton walks out on an outcropping and looks down into the deep pit. It's fairly dead and stony, nothing Saarlac about it. Aeryn joins him and they both look up at the sky through the tower ceiling over them. It is so tiresome to recap this clotty Stoner dialogue. Crouching around and jumping from leg to leg like he forgot to use the bathroom one last time before getting on the road, Molnon explains, "New narl emerges. Clans gather. It's time to celebrate!" A female Stoner with lilac-hued dreds looks down at the baby in her arms. So "narl" means "baby"? Molnon hisses suddenly and flings his arms over his head. Elbows slightly bent, hands above his head, almost touching at the wrist, like he's pretending to be Peter Cotton-Tail hopping down the Bunny Trail. The squatting adds to the illusion. Molnon tells some drug-fueled story about the Royals digging tombs and filling the surface and then leaving them behind. "But we LIVE!" Molnon points out, rather needlessly in my opinion. Mouth agape enough to make her lose IQ points, Chiana gazes at him addlepatedly. Molnon hisses again, and vogues the Peter Cotton-Tail again. Other Stoners follow suit. "We take The Stone," Molnon whispers. A Stoner walks forward dazedly and purposefully falls off the ledge. A hum of voices starts up, following him down. Another Stoner steps off another ledge. They fall into separate but parallel pits. Just before they hit the ground, a force field flicks and stops their bodies like a trampoline. They bounce slightly. There are now four of them down there, and they Peter Cotton-Tail triumphantly. I really hate this episode.
Up above, Crichton duhs, "What the --" "Frell," Aeryn finishes for him. "It's a sonic net." Which is a net sustained by their voices. Of course. Peacekeepers use them in aerial combat training; the sound cushions your fall. Pressing his forehead against the lilac-haired Stoner's, Das says, "I'm ready." The hum continues. Das takes a deep breath and convulsively Peter Cotton-Tails. He adds his voice to the hum, but it's shaky and uncertain. He falls and looks down in fear. Faster and faster. The hum stops. Das closes his eyes. And smashes on the ground. The smile on Aeryn's face disappears. "Like I said," Crichton says, straightening back up. "Frell," Aeryn supplies for him. Okay, but isn't it the Stoners' fault for stopping the hum? Molnon doesn't seem to be too bothered by this turn of events. "Das," he begins, "takes The Stone." Peter Cotton-Tails galore. Chiana skitters to the edge of the pit and looks down, twitching her damn neck this way and that. "Drad," she breathes, "I gotta do that."
Later, Chiana faces the same? another? lilac-haired Stoner. This one appears to be pregnant. She Peter Cotton-Tails ceremonially several times over Chiana. Aeryn, her hip cocked, watches and looks annoyed. Crichton pulls her away but calls over to Chiana. Aeryn advises him to leave her alone. Nothing doing; Crichton decides they need to sober Chiana up. Aeryn stops him again, telling him the life disk belonged to Chiana's brother. "Then he's dead?" Crichton asks. "Yes," Aeryn confirms, "I think that's why she likes it down here. She's trying to prove that she's still alive." Pinching yourself could do that too. Go ahead, try it. Did it hurt? Good, you're alive. Of course, reading this recap also proves you're alive, so there's another suggestion. Crichton doesn't need Aeryn's Dr. Phil-osophizing. Aeryn points out that if Crichton forces Chiana to leave with them, she'll stay just to spite him. "No, she won't," Crichton tells her. Aeryn leaves. Crichton watches Chiana a bit longer, a smile on his face. He throws up a hand and says, "Later!" to no one in particular.
Elsewhere and also later, Chiana morbidly wants to know what they're going to do with Das's body. "Soak the skin and harden the bones and Das can be buried in the Gathering dome," Molnon tells her, and smiles. Chiana points out that his best friend just died. Edging around a body (?) to get to Chiana in some sort of grisly chase-around-a-desk, Molnon explains that they all die; she's just afraid of it. The way the Stoners live, they do what they want and then they commit suicide by Taking the Stone. Oh, so that was suicide? What about the four others who bounced? Were they Das's pallbearers or something? Chiana twitches closer to Molnon and he pushes her against a wall, breathing hard. He asks her to stay with them to "celebrate the Stone." "It's the second draddest time," Molnon promises. "Oh?" Chiana asks coyly. "And what's the draddest?" Molnon strikes with a kiss. I do need a drink. They make out loudly and smackily. Yep, definitely getting a passion fruit beer now. Crichton can hear all of this because he was eavesdropping, and he walks off.
Back on Moya, Zhaan is chanting over Rygel, who now has the death mask clapped on his own face. Rygel snaps at Zhaan to shut up several times, but she just chants faster. She's doing it for his benefit because his stolen items might be cursed. Rygel scoffs at this and says the curse -- if there is one, which there isn't! -- will just be on him. "Yes, it will," Zhaan agrees, and leaves.
Back with the freaks, the pregnant lilac-haired Stoner stumbles around with a bottle. It's one of those corn liquor jugs that always have "XXX" marked on them in cartoons. Oh, I just realized that her stomach isn't shiny because she painted it or is wearing lame; her stomach is transparent. You can see into her womb! I have never seen a surer-fire method of birth control. Yuck. Aeryn walks in and, calling her Vyna -- we'll learn these names yet! -- says she's sorry about Das. Vyna smiles drunkenly and tells her not to be. Crichton, getting all Arthur Dimmesdale on us, primly tells Vyna she shouldn't be drinking. How does he know that alcohol is bad for fetuses in the UT? Maybe it's their version of pre-natal vitamins. Vyna offers Crichton and Aeryn a drink, but they shake their heads. Crichton demands to know what Vyna and Chiana were talking about on the cliffs. "When narl comes, Chiana wants to jump. I gave her my blessing," Vyna giggles, and stumbles off. Aeryn and Crichton look concerned.
Goddammit, Chiana's singing to the damn stones again. Crichton wants to talk to her. She doesn't want to talk to him. Crichton apologizes for blowing her off. Chiana gets down from her perch and goes off on Crichton, telling him it's not about him: "I'm not your kid, I'm not your sister, and I'm only your tralk in your dreams." Chiana yells at him to go away. He's trying to help. She doesn't want or need his help. Aeryn, sitting off to the side, blinks wearily. Chiana likes it on the cemetery planet and she likes the people. Just like a misguided parent, Crichton attacks her friends, calling them all druggies and slackers. Or something along those lines. Chiana doesn't see what's so wonderful about being stuck on Moya and points out that it was Crichton himself who said she could leave the ship whenever she wanted. "Well, see ya," Chiana tells him. Crichton glares at Mom -- I mean, "Aeryn" -- and tells her, "Feel free to jump in at any time." Aeryn sadly points out that it's Chiana's choice. Crichton storms off. Taking the softer approach, Aeryn talks to Chiana about joining the clan and asks if she's really going to jump. "I might," Chiana says sadly, confused by why Crichton went away when she ordered him to.
Seeking out the boyfriend, Crichton turns to a tripping Stoner: "Yo, Bob Marley, you seen Molnon?" Guess not. The Stoner moves on down the corridor without looking at Crichton or this Bob Marley person. Once again, someone is following Crichton in a loud, mouth-breatherly sort of way. Crichton takes a stealth step backwards and grabs the cloaked person out of the shadows. It's a woman, and she pleads with him, "No! Please, don't!" Crichton touches something weird on her painted skin and snatches his hand back. He goes slo-mo for a second, like her skin is psychedelic. Crichton asks the leprotic one why she's been following him. "You old. Still you live," she says. Her name is Janixx, and she tells Crichton all the Stoners come down with her brand of leprosy if they turn twenty-two and don't take the stone. The young Stoners don't like to be reminded what happens if they grow old -- if you ask me, I'd think that would just be a further incentive for them to get on with their suicides -- so the leprotic ones get lost. They are the Lost People Das spoke of. "Das said he know why this happen. He said cliff have answer," Janixx babbles. Do the Lost People lose their subject-verb agreement along with their skin tone? Because if so, I don't really blame the young Stoners for not wanting them around. Too much of that would get annoying. Crichton tries to figure out what she's talking about, but Janixx says "must stay lost" and leaves. No argument here. Crichton pulls something from his skin, and we get a flashback to his hand grazing Janixx's lesions. He looks intently at what I can only describe at this point as one of Janixx's detached scabs. And THAT definitely calls for another freaking drink.
Confronting Molnon, Crichton tells him he's found out his dirty secret. Molnon is "pushing" twenty-two, so the end is nigh, whether he Takes the Stone or not. Molnon smiles and shakes a finger at him, saying he's been talking to the Lost People. Crichton smiles and notes that it's easy to jump when you know you're going to die. He gets serious quickly: "Chiana's not going to die. Why drag her into this?" Instead of answering, Molnon holds up a bunch of mushrooms and says, "Three lobes gets you high, one gets you dead. Never know which one." So, do you eat all four? I'm confused. So is Crichton, but instead of worrying about the math, he grabs at Molnon and Cool Hand Lukes, "Are we having a failure to communicate here?" Molnon -- much like Alice's caterpillar -- refuses to talk to Crichton unless he eats some mushroom. Crichton bites one of the stalks and steps back. Molnon waits, getting orgasmic. Crichton moves his head and feels sorta funny. I thought you needed three to get you high. Oh, I see: of the four, three single ones will get you high and the other will kill you. Okay, up to speed now. I'd rather be on speed, but we can't have everything. Crichton falls down. Molnon leaps forward and explains, "The only thing worth having is a narl and I want one. And I'm scared that if I Take the Stone it claims me, so Chiana takes my place. She Takes the Stone." SO CONFUSED! Is Molnon saying the only thing worth having is a baby? And how can the Stone know if Chiana is jumping for Molnon if they are all supposed to jump eventually anyway? Or is it that one of the clan has to die every year to keep their population down? The only thing worse than a dumb episode is a dumb episode that I can't figure out! How dumb does that make me? Crichton pants and slobbers at Molnon to leave Chiana out of this. "She wants to flyyyy!" Molnon laughs. "I tell you truth." Yep, he's getting old, dropping his articles like dentures in a glass. Crichton says he's going to tell Chiana the truth and then goes all fuzzy. Molnon tells him he won't remember. And then Crichton totally trips out into some Stooge imitations.
Aeryn finds Crichton and slaps him awake, pulling him to his feet. Crichton tells her, "I had a pissing contest with Molnon. I won. I think." Aeryn doubts that. Crichton thinks he convinced Molnon to convince Chiana not to jump. Oh, that's not good, Crichton! You HAVE TO REMEMBER! Oh wait, I don't care about Chiana. Right then, carry on with your hangover. Meanwhile, Crichton whips out a small black box and tells Aeryn it's a tissue sample from the Lost People -- doesn't he need to explain who those people are to Aeryn? -- and she needs to get it to Zhaan to scan so they can determine what's killing the Stoners. Oh, let them die -- they're just a strain on our country's resources. Crichton staggers off to "see if [his] Excedrin headache was worth it."
Opening a Peacekeeper Dopp kit, Crichton picks up what I would call on Star Trek a hypospray, and an amber pill that looks like a Vitamin E tablet. Chiana bounces in to see him, shouting his name. Crichton grabs at his head and says, "Not so loud." Chiana giggles that the "morna" have a kick to them. Chiana happily tells him that Molnon told her what they talked about. Crichton is thrilled and makes moves to get off the planet. "Oh, I'm not leavin', I'm jumpin'!" Chiana trills. Crichton gets mad and tells Chiana Molnon's just using her, so he won't have to jump. Chiana insists she wants to jump. "Okay, you want to jump? But whatever you want, you can't want to die," Crichton pleads, taking her face in his hands. "Well, maybe one day you'll understand," he says, stroking her face. Then he takes out the hypospray and injects her with something. Chiana gasps and totters around. Everything in her vision is blurry. She breathes, "You frelling khan." Chiana, I believe that's "you frelling KHAAAAAAAAN!" Crichton hoists her over his shoulders just as Aeryn walks in to ask what he's doing. Crichton insists that Chiana wants to jump and kill herself. "You can't take her like this," Aeryn tells him calmly. Crichton, infuriated, points out that Aeryn is the "poster girl for frontal assault" and he can't believe she's not dragging Chiana back herself. Aeryn calmly explains that if she really wants to, Chiana will find a way to kill herself, and nothing Crichton does will stop that. Crichton puts Chiana down on a bed and asks when Aeryn got so insightful. "I understand loss," Aeryn says simply. "So do I," Crichton says. He asks if she sent the tissue samples to Zhaan. She did. "Well, let's get her on the dog and bone," Crichton says. Aeryn sort of nods then thinks better of it and says, "Whatever that means, Crichton." The PHONE, Aeryn! Get with the Cockney rhyming slang! I know all Americans do.
With greedy satisfaction, Rygel surveys his redecorated room, festooned with the spoils of his grave robbing. "Now, this is what a Dominar's chamber should look like -- hung with the blood-stained trophies from my conquests." More like rotting-flesh-stained, there, Ryg. The camera zooms in on the death mask and then sprints to a golden jug, which falls and breaks obediently. Other treasures follow suit, hurling themselves to the ground. Finally, the only thing left on display is the death mask. Rygel mutters, "This cannot be real. Yes, I know what's happening."
From the ship, Zhaan tells Crichton that the tissue samples from Janixx do indicate long-term radiation exposure, but the levels are pretty low. D'Argo adds that Pilot thinks the cliff chamber is acting as an amplifier, increasing the radiation exposure. Aeryn posits that that's why everyone dies at twenty-two, and Zhaan agrees. Crichton wonders if Das knew that already. "He knew if the clans moved out of the caves, they'd stop dying so young," Crichton muses. "They'd have no reason to Take the Stone," Aeryn says, Peter Cotton-Tailing sarcastically. Crichton thanks D'Argo and Zhaan and promises they'll be back soon. Zhaan blesses them and signs off just in time for Rygel to zoom in and accuse Zhaan of effecting a curse in his room. He refuses to return any of his junk and zooms huffily off. Zhaan looks serenely interested in this turn of events.
Down on the planet. Vyna goes into labor. Aeryn and Crichton walk in and Aeryn offers to help her. Vyna flings Aeryn's hand off and says their clan gives birth alone while everyone else is at The Gathering. Crichton comments sourly on Chiana "doing the bungee without the rope." Vyna screams at him to leave her alone. Aeryn and Crichton quickly explain why they all die so young. Crichton says that Das probably knew the reason, too. Aeryn explains that if they all move out of the caves and to the surface, they and their children can live longer lives. Crichton insists they talk to the clans and promises no one has to jump again. Screaming in pain, Vyna explains that Molnon didn't make Das jump, the rules of the clan did, and Das understood that as he died. Vyna announces that Das will now live forever because he Took the Stone. Vyna flings at Aeryn and Crichton that they are old and worn out. If Aeryn's the definition of worn out, then bring on old age! Oh, wait, she's only a year older than me. Vyna again yells at them to leave. They finally do.
Out on the cliffs, there's a whole lot of Peter Cotton-Tailing going on. Chiana kicks out her legs twitchily and looks deep into the pit. Crichton makes a speech. He explains the radiation and says they can all be old just like him if they move to the surface. Molnon hisses that the surface belongs to the Royals and their tombs. Interesting that the Stoners live deep in the caves, but they're such shallow individuals, they'd rather die than get ugly. A Stoner makes a move on Crichton, but he and Aeryn whip out their guns in unison. "You think that Janixx has it bad. Wait until you see what this does to your face," Crichton says quietly. HELL YEAH! A round of fist pumps for everyone, on me! Chiana whines in Crichton's direction, but he tells her to shut up. Grabbing Molnon, he drags him forward and invites him to kiss his beloved stone. "Whaddaya say? Wanna take it together? Tick, tick, tick, tick! Time's running out," Crichton whispers. "Garda doesn't understand," Molnon slurs, "we want The Stone." More Peter Cotton-Tailing, including one from Chiana. Can't they all just freaking jump and be done with it? Crichton shouts that the clans should vote. Molnon says he'll do whatever the clans want. Crichton steps back from Molnon. "You satisfied?" Chiana asks him. Crichton tries to explain. She stops him, saying, "You can't help me," and turns back to the pit.
On Moya, Rygel huddles in a corner and tries to reassure himself that Zhaan and D'Argo are just trying to scare him into getting a piece of his haul. "Well, they can forget about that -- it's not going to work!" There's a metallic plong somewhere in his room. Rygel attempts a nervous laugh and then yells that he's Rygel the Sixteenth: "You can't scare me!" The box of very pointed jeweled objects in front of him jitters, and the very pointed jeweled objects -- they look like hatpins -- fall out. "All right, I'll take it back -- all of it, I promise! Just make it stop!" The hatpins fling themselves at Rygel, stabbing themselves into the wall behind Rygel's head. "Pilot? Is the transport fueled?" he gasps hoarsely.
Back on the planet of the dead, Crichton waylays Molnon to ask how the vote went down. Molnon triumphantly tells him the clans all voted to stay in the caves and keep jumping. Crichton is astounded that they didn't believe the radiation is killing them. "No, they don't believe they know what's killing them. I'm Rechanting the Gathering. They want the Stone -- I've already told Chiana," Molnon says. "I've given her a head start -- it's gonna be drad," he muses, and slips off. Crichton calls him to stop and says, "Please, just wait --" He punches him. Hard. Very hard. So hard the Stoner drops like a stone. (See what I did there?) Crichton shakes off his fist in pain and winces, "Why does it always end in tears?"
Finding Chiana poised once again on the edge of the cliffs, which are empty this time, Crichton tells her the clans voted to keep jumping. "They want to die. I just can't believe you want to die," he adds. Chiana muses that she never had any courage. "As a kid, Nerri gave me everything. I just followed him." Crichton insists that Chiana has shown him courage many times. Chiana half-sobs that she has to see if she can do the jump. "And if you die?" he asks. Instead of answering, Chiana turns her back to the pit and carefully holds out her arms. Crichton stares at her. The music gets all kicky and techno as Chiana hums out a single note. She leans back and falls. Crichton surges to the edge of the cliffs. Chiana falls and falls. Finally, the harness catches, and she bounces on the sonic net. Do you remember those annoying commercials for Sonic Net Dot Com? One of them had the alive half of Milli-Vanilli saying "Sonic Net dot com" over and over and over. No one ever talks about it, but that's why the dot-coms went boom -- it's all Fab's fault. Lightning flashes and, affecting what can only be described as a Sandy Duncan as Peter Pan pose, Chiana bends one knee in, thigh out, and comes to gently rest on her tip toes. "CHIANAAAAAAAAA!" Crichton yells down the pit, "YOU DID IT! WOO HOO!" Oh. Oh, Crichton, please don't do that EVER again. Chiana looks up at him: "I did it?" Well, you aren't dead, are you? Crichton keeps with the woo-hoo-ing and finally drops his head on the cliff edge, all tuckered out. Chiana cheers for herself and jerks into a particularly elaborate Peter Cotton-Tail. JUST STOP THAT! You know, if it weren't for that, I think I could have handled this episode much better. But the pose, the FUCKING POSE, is so twee, so Cirque du Soleil, so something you see onstage at a Gilbert and Sullivan production where you have to avert your eyes because you're sort of embarrassed for the performers and how ridiculous they look.
Up on the surface, Aeryn and Crichton wait by the Prowler. "It's been three arns," Aeryn reports. Crichton tells her to keep her pants on. We see the life disk placed in a small, shallow pit and then Chiana's hands cover it up with stones and gravel. Crichton asks Aeryn if he seems crazy to her lately. "What do you mean 'lately'?" Aeryn wants to know. Crichton says he ate one of Molnon's mushrooms and shrugs, "One outta four will get you dead." "Was that supposed to get Chiana out of here more quickly, John? You eating a mushroom?" Aeryn asks, smiling knowingly. It worked for Alice. Sort of. There's a Hynerian grunt and a clatter, as Rygel dumps his booty and fiddles over it. Aeryn tells him they're leaving in ninety minutes, with or without him. Rygel growls that he's going as fast as he can, and shoves the treasure back in a pit. Crichton walks over and kneels to Chiana, who greets him, "Hey, Old Man." "Hey, Little Girl," he returns, a hand on her shoulder, "you okay?" Chiana says she is and adds that Molnon was right about one thing, the jump was incredible: "You should've tried it." "Nah," Crichton says, "I'm too old." Chiana covers her brother's grave with both hands. Crichton gently tells her that it's time to go and helps her to her feet. They look out over the grave-ridden planet, and Chiana suggests, "Let's get out of this dead place." And I forgot this part -- Crichton Peter Cotton-Tails! EW! EW! EW! Chiana, of course, follows suit, and I swear to GOD, if they ever get D'Argo to do it, I'm leaving.