I hope someone lost his job for this. No, not the episode, although it's certainly down there, but the title. "Bone To Be Wild"? They couldn't have ditched the pun and gone with the semi-ironic "Bad To The Bone" or even the more on-the-nose "The Bone Collector" (like some people I could mention did)? I am a difficult person to offend, but seriously: Fired.
Establishing shot of Moya in an asteroid field. In Command, everyone (save Zhaan, who seems unaffected) is bundled up as Pilot, in a hushed voice, tells them the Peacekeeper scan is directly over them. Exposition ensues that the scan is attuned to energy, which is why they've shut down all heat sources at the moment. Who could have known Crichton's looks could turn out to be a curse? D'Argo notes that it's not a simple Marauder chasing them, but Crais's full Command Carrier. One might imagine that things aboard said ship would be a little strained after Crais's crew kind of consented to have him put in the Aurora Chair, but then again, given that the chair seemed to be set in the vicinity of "puree," some gaps in his memory do seem to be a logical result. Chiana says that if no one else will ask, she will: How come Zhaan isn't shivering her ass off like the rest of them? Zhaan explains that her body temperature self-regulates under most conditions. I wish she'd said that blue-skinned creatures have a natural imperviousness to cold, just to see if anyone would have been gullible enough to buy it. Besides Crichton, who doesn't know what "gullible" even means since they took it out of the dictionary.
After an impressive pan up to look at the very large Command Carrier, Pilot informs the others that Moya is picking something up -- a distress call from one of the surrounding asteroids. Pilot manages to isolate it, and we see an alien woman telling the crew that she and her family are under attack. She doesn't add that her attackers apparently forced her to wear a Princess Leia "hair"-style made entirely of light bulbs, but that will be readily apparent if you can grab a screencap somewhere. The woman warns of a creature, which just then seems to arrive, snarling at the terrified woman. I'd try to describe it, but that's going to prove difficult enough even with a much clearer look later on. The transmission ends, and Crichton wonders if it could be a Peacekeeper trick, but D'Argo is able to confirm Pilot's assessment that the message came from an asteroid close by. Pilot adds that the signal is so weak that it's unlikely Crais's ship even heard it, and Aeryn points out that they won't be able to escape the asteroid field without some kind of navigational aid, and maybe the "girl" and her family have charts. Rygel can't believe that they're considering visiting the asteroid. D'Argo: "You do not have to go down there, Your Flatulence." That's good -- he does sound pretty aghast. ("Bone To Be Wild" guy? Now we're even.) Chiana points out that someone is actually asking them for help, and Crichton cottons on and starts giggling: "How stupid is that?" That's actually a pretty complex calculation, so go ahead and mull it over through the opening credits.
But speaking of which, don't forget to notice that Gigi Edgley is in them for the first time. Yay!
Crais is looking at some charts, which he throws at an underling in frustration. No stranger to that emotion, the underling patiently tells him that there are over 20,000 asteroids of sufficient size to block Moya from their scans, and if they were to enter the field to get a better look, they'd sacrifice their maneuverability. Scorpius enters and languidly tells Crais he has an idea he may not have considered. "Do you think a mother would abandon her child?" I'm not usually going to be one to question Scorpius's tactics, but using the concept of parental fidelity to get through to Crais is an approach that wouldn't have occurred to me. Nevertheless, he goes on that bombarding the area with discordant stimuli such as "multi-frequency signals" might cause the younger Leviathan to reveal himself, and his mother along with him. Crais, however, looks as likely to adopt Scorpius's suggestion as he is to appear as a spokesman for Herbal Essences, and tells the underling to take them into the field. Scorpius doesn't speak, but the creaking of his leather mask as he tilts his head in frustration sort of says it all.
DRDs scuttle about as Pilot reports the Peacekeeper scan has passed, and we see that Crichton, D'Argo, Zhaan, and Aeryn are preparing to depart for the asteroid. Pilot, however, somewhat urgently requests for Aeryn to remain aboard, to which she accedes without fanfare. Zhaan suggests they deactivate their comms for safety.
Cut to the very lush asteroid, as D'Argo barks, "This is the most miserable place I think I have ever been." Zhaan says that she finds it just the opposite, but as someone who came to the pleasures of seasonal allergies later in life, I'm inclined to agree with Simba Tentacleface there. Crichton is with us as well, saying that his rashes have rashes, but Zhaan assures them that the cure for those ailments and more can be found on the surface. She goes on that there are no animals -- not even insects -- that could compete with the flora. The insect point seems odd, given the revelation later, but I suppose that just means they were never there to begin with. More commentary on D'Argo's sinuses gives way to a growling noise nearby and then a woman screaming, and the three of them take off in pursuit. Crichton reaches the source of the noise first, discovering the girl from the distress call being menaced by a large...thing, who's about to drop a big rock on her. Crichton's blaster shot causes it to miss, however, and it runs off as the terrified girl begs them to protect her. Crichton is the only one she fondles while doing so, and I know that's probably not going to come as a surprise, but I believe in being thorough. Also probably not coming as a surprise to the huge majority of readers is that the girl is played by Francesca Buller, who just so happens to be Ben Browder's real-life wife, and appears later in the series in the roles of ro-NA and Minister Akhna. I mention her marital status in case anyone was feeling sorry for her for having to wear light bulbs on her head. Anyway, the girl, who we can now see has large spikes protruding from her head behind the Princess Leia light bulbs, goes on that the creature killed her family, and D'Argo returns with the news that the thing got away, as it knows the terrain too well. Zhaan tries to soothe the girl, who tells them her name is M'Lee, and while she used to have maps of the asteroid field, they've been destroyed. D'Argo disgustedly suggests they go back to the transport pod, and the girl, who's really giving the damsel-in-distress routine the hard sell, says that if it's not well-guarded, the creature will attack it. D'Argo hoists his Qualta blade with a look that says that's the best news he's heard all day.
Inside, Crichton starts to fire up the drive, only to find the creature is already there. So this thing looks like a large shambling mound with vine-like dreads and a humanoid face, although it's got a second mouth with large teeth just to its normal symmetrical mouth. It's also quite strong, as it knocks D'Argo's blade away, causing it to fire into the wall, and then overpowers D'Argo before escaping ahead of a blaster shot from Crichton. Crichton gives chase as Zhaan ministers to a surprisingly injured D'Argo, and then when Crichton returns, he reports that the access point is now secure, but that's cold comfort, as D'Argo hit the second fuel pump and Crichton hit the main pressure control, so they're not going anywhere at the moment. Also, D'Argo's sustained a broken terok, and I don't know what that is but can definitely conclude that internal bleeding can go along with its breakage. On the plus side, the injuries may help take his mind off all the ragweed in the air. M'Lee looks on, no longer looking so scared. Strange, don't you think?
Moya. Aeryn asks Pilot what's wrong. Pilot: "Besides the obvious, a great deal." Hee. Pilot has really grown on me. After expositing what we already know about the baby being a weaponed creation of the Peacekeepers, Pilot confesses that Moya is having difficulty establishing a connection with the child -- he knows he is different, and that knowledge is causing tension between him and his mother. Just wait until he hits puberty! Anyway, the idea here is that, since Aeryn was a Peacekeeper, they'd like her to serve as a sort of liaison between the baby and Moya, and Pilot adds that Moya gives her permission to go aboard the smaller ship. Aeryn: "But does the baby?" Not really a surprise that she's there with the tough questions, is it?
Cut to the baby's interior, as Aeryn has just arrived and is looking around in wonder at the complex Command center. We pull back out through the viewport and see that the child is still very small compared to his mother. Pilot calls Aeryn's name, and we cut back to the inside of the small ship as he says that he has a "direct laser link" to the child's Command, so there's no danger of their transmissions being intercepted. Aeryn, full of awe, reports that the ship's Command is a complete synthesis of Leviathan and warship technologies. She then says she needs more light, and in response, a quiet warbling begins, which directs Aeryn to a flashing light on a nearby panel. She hesitantly pushes it, and the full lights on the bridge brilliantly flare up. Of course, it would have been more fun to see Aeryn try to clap the lights on, but that would have been quite a departure from her normal inherent dignity. Pilot tells Aeryn that from the outside, it seems like the child has a "sonic ascendancy cannon," and Aeryn confirms that that is the case as she finds its controls. Pilot then suggests Aeryn find the communications array, as that may be the thing the Peacekeepers use to try to locate them. Apparently again led by the child, Aeryn finds the array and reports that it's in silent mode. She then is led to the middle of the room, and quickly discovers that the child is attempting to communicate with her. One senses that this may be a slightly more advanced conversation that the typical "goo goo ga ga" you'd expect from someone of the kid's age.
Crais returns to his quarters to find Scorpius waiting for him. No, I don't think we're going to be seeing any bamp-chicka-wow-wow, although it would be interesting to see them try from a logistical standpoint alone. Scorpius notes that Crais's quarters are "quite opulent" even by captain's standards, and he's never understood the need of some warriors to memorialize their conquests. "Does displaying this decaying flesh remind you of past instances when you were powerful?" Heh. Crais sniffs that the "special privileges" that come with Scorpius's branch of the service don't include disrespect of rank. I guess it's just as well, then, that Scorpius didn't make the obvious follow-up point, which is that if Crais really wants to impress others and himself, he'd probably be well-advised to use something larger than a Hynerian as his trophy. Scorpius gets down to brass tacks: Crais is a total failure as a captain, and his "vector for success" is quite small; if he strays outside it, he'll find his ship in the hands of a new commander, and also, Crais needs a haircut, like, three years ago. That last bit was added after the door closed, but my hearing is excellent.
Zhaan is sternly forcing D'Argo to swallow an apparently nasty-tasting herb, saying it will stop his internal bleeding. Elsewhere, as Crichton is conducting repairs to the ship, M'Lee tells him that there were originally forty-one in her group, and they intended to colonize the asteroid. Zhaan then sends Crichton out for more of some root; she also catches M'Lee sniffing her and looks suspicious, but M'Lee tells her that she smells like the plant life outside. Zhaan compliments M'Lee on her nose: "I am also flora." Crichton is befuddled by the news that Zhaan is a plant, but D'Argo bites out that "everyone" knows that Delvians are flora-evolved. I guess this precludes a romance between D'Argo and Zhaan -- there are few surer ways to put a damper on a make-out session than sneezing in your partner's mouth.
Outside, it's now night, and Zhaan is explaining to Crichton that sentient plant life isn't all that uncommon. From the emails I sometimes get, I'm willing to bet she's right. She goes on that she has cartilaginous tissue instead of bone, in case you were wondering if any of this will be Important Later, and then Crichton gets a devilish grin on his face as he notes that her plant status explains why she likes light so much. M'Lee is not so amused, and Crichton asks when the last time she ate was. She curtly tells him she's not hungry yet, and then she hears a noise, and warns that the creature is coming. Crichton tries to get Zhaan back from gathering whatever she's gathering, but M'Lee takes off, and Crichton follows her. When they're gone, Zhaan hears growling nearby, and we soon see the creature in the immediate vicinity. Before he locates Zhaan, however, she closes her eyes and somehow vanishes. The creature comes closer, likely smelling something strange, and as he lingers, Zhaan appears to lose some control over her invisibility trick, and the creature turns and roars at her as she shrieks into the commercial break.
When we return, it's day again, and Crichton and D'Argo are sniping at each other. M'Lee volunteers that the creature will take Zhaan to his "eating grounds" before, you know, eating her. She offers to take Crichton there, and D'Argo agrees that that's a good plan. Then again, he's kind of pissed off at the world right now for a number of reasons, so maybe Crichton should be expecting for this to go pear-shaped even if he doesn't remember this show's normal drill.
Cut to M'Lee leading Crichton to an area with some ugly-looking remains. After telling Crichton that "this is where the eating is done," M'Lee starts groaning, and tells Crichton she's feeling hungry. Spikes pop out all over her body as Crichton remains oblivious, but when the laws of TV finally allow him to look at her, he's horrified. But the shambling mound appears out of nowhere, grabs Crichton's gun, and shoots at M'Lee as she goes running off. He raggedly explains to Crichton that M'Lee is his enemy, and I know I joke about Crichton being dumb rather a lot, but I do think he'd gotten there already.
Scorpius enters Crais's quarters, and we learn that Scorpius countermanded Crais's order to enter the asteroid field. Crais thinks Scorpius has gone too far, and says that if his command were in question, he would have been recalled. But Scorpius points out that he saw in Crais's memories that he was in fact recalled, and is guilty of murder. Crais thinks that when he brings in Moya, he'll be cleared of those charges, but Scorpius dismissively tells Crais they won't be changing their course, and leaves. Hard to believe M'Lee's all that hungry with so much filler around.
So now we're in the creature's lair, and, with Zhaan present and safe, he tells Crichton that he would have explained himself earlier, but he finds the atmosphere so thin that the slightest exertion leaves him unable to speak. So...not a skier? Zhaan pipes up that M'Lee is a "calcivore" -- she feeds on bones. One wonders if she's ever tried an alternative form of calcium. I mean, why eat the cow when the milk's so cheap? Exposition ensues that tells us the creature, who's named Br'nee, is a very accomplished "botanistic pharmacologist" -- in other words, as Crichton puts it, he uses plants as medicine. Br'nee goes on that his ancestors seeded the then-barren asteroid over three hundred cycles ago, and he led the first team of harvesters, who apparently became fodder for the likes of M'Lee. Also, once M'Lee is full, she reverts to the passive creature she was when they first encountered her, in which state she's apparently vulnerable. They hear M'Lee shrieking in the distance...
...and then Pilot is telling Aeryn that the Peacekeeper scan is heading her way again. Aeryn has trouble getting the child ship to power down, so she sternly tells him that if the Peacekeepers try to contact him, they're not to be listened to, even though they both, in a perverse way, come from the Peacekeepers. She says that he's going to have to decide to trust them -- or to trust her. Pilot, if you want him to trust you as well, I'd suggest not bugging your eyes out quite that far. It's a little creepy. The kid eventually powers down, and Aeryn lets out a relieved sigh, at least according to my closed captioning.
Crichton notes that the howling has stopped, and asks what that means. Br'nee speculates that M'Lee has gone to see if she can make a meal out of D'Argo, so Crichton tells Zhaan to get it in gear. She cheerily chirps that she's almost ready, and Br'nee's herbs and stuff will completely heal D'Argo's injuries. But Br'nee offers her some other plant, which she says she wasn't able to find. He tells her she was looking in the wrong place, and then takes some little seeds and puts them in a machine that somehow unshrinks them, yielding a shrubbery large enough to make the Knights Who Say Nee very happy. Zhaan is impressed, and Br'nee explains that his people's capacity to miniaturize the samples was what made it possible to seed the whole planet. They start to go, but Br'nee insists on Crichton staying behind with his weapon to guard the place. Crichton agrees, but when Zhaan's out of earshot, he tells Br'nee that if he's not back in an arn, M'Lee won't be the only one hunting him down. Br'nee, not having met Crichton before, looks baffled at how sexy he managed to make that threat sound. But the threat is irrelevant at the moment, as the second Br'nee and Zhaan are gone, Crichton hears a hissing noise, and soon M'Lee's voice is intoning, "I'm hungry, John!" Crichton wonders if it would be worth sparing his pinky toes to tide her over.
When we return, Crichton and a still-hidden M'Lee have a conversation that goes on entirely too long, the relevant part of which is that M'Lee heard everything Br'nee said about her, and he withheld some of the story. She finally reveals herself and explains that it was Br'nee's ancestors that brought her people to the asteroid, for the purpose of ridding it of all herbivorous life forms. I can't say I understand this -- the absence of insects suggests that Br'nee's ancestors were purposeful in how they brought life to the asteroid. But if that's the case, why have animals there in the first place? The animals couldn't have existed prior to the seeding of the asteroid, right? Anyway, the idea was apparently that M'Lee's people would eat all the animals and then die of starvation, but what apparently threw off the timetable is that M'Lee's people turned on each other once their food was gone. I wonder if M'Lee threw herself a little "Best Cannibal Ever" party as she was sucking the marrow out of her mom. Anyway, M'Lee is proposing a deal: Even if she succeeds in killing the lot of them, she'll eventually starve to death anyway, so she'll control her hunger until Crichton and friends provide her with a more permanent food supply. Crichton can't believe that he's expected to take her with him, but she says that Br'nee knows her planet of origin, so Crichton should get the location from him and take her there.
Aeryn's bustling around mini-Command prepping this and that, and then she successfully activates the cannon. She tells Pilot that she and the child seem inexplicably to have reached an understanding. Pilot says he's encouraged, and that the kid's communication with Moya is improving. Aeryn muses that she feels quite at home with all the ship's Peacekeeper technology, prompting Rygel to suggest she stay over there. Aeryn, however, tartly says that she'll be returning to Moya shortly, and when she does, perhaps she and Rygel should have a little chat. Rygel starts with another retort, but Chiana shoves him with an admonition to keep his foot out of his mouth. Actually, he might want to keep it there -- better his than Aeryn's, don't you think? Anyway, Chiana attempts to play diplomat, pointing out that if they get attacked, the child is their only weapon at the moment. Aeryn doesn't want to drag the ship into a conflict it had nothing to do with starting, but Rygel wonders whether they'll have a choice.
D'Argo is complimenting Br'nee, as Br'nee's medicines have completely healed him. Just then, however, Crichton shows up and grabs Br'nee while blurting out the whole M'Lee story. D'Argo's ready to sign up for the execution party, but Zhaan tries to take a more moderate position, saying that what Br'nee did might not be entirely unreasonable. Crichton: "To murder sentient beings in order to save a few stinking plants?" Zhaan: "How animal-centric of you, John." Heh. Crichton apologizes, and Br'nee realizes that Zhaan is a Delvian, and therefore a plant. Crichton and D'Argo are ready to toss Br'nee out the door and take off, but Br'nee tempts them with charts with which to navigate the asteroid field, so Zhaan, citing the need for a cooler head for this mission, leaves with Br'nee.
Crais is digging into a bowl of stew or something when Scorpius tosses a chip into it, which he says contains his report to High Command. With more emotion than we've seen from him, he tells Crais that he's unfit for duty at any level, and he personally intends to see him stripped of rank and office. Crais goes ballistic, grabbing Scorpius and throwing him against several walls in an extended sequence, but suddenly, after Crais has been throttling him for a moment, Scorpius grabs his wrists and twists them away like he's Shaquille O'Neal playing Mercy with Nate Corddry. He tosses Crais away, steps one boot onto his chest, and then, in a vicious, electronic growl that's very different from his usual urbane mellifluousness, asks why Crais must force him to demonstrate his physical superiority to "[his] kind" as well. I'll take a guess -- good measure? He then pulls back, seeming to have a moment of chagrin at losing control like that, and, back to his usual voice, tells Crais that if he wants violence, he should attack his executioner.
Crichton enters Br'nee's lab with the intent of collecting him and Zhaan, as the transport is repaired. But he finds Br'nee on the floor, and Br'nee tells him M'Lee surprised them and took Zhaan.
Cut to Crichton looking for M'Lee in the forest, yelling a big, grand speech about how she lied -- she said she wouldn't hurt any of them, and then she drags Zhaan off and...he catches sight of a boneless corpse, and his brain finally catches up with him. It really does tend to lag behind quite often. Crichton berates himself for missing the bone thing, and yells, "Idiot!" Even the moss growing on the nearby rocks is like, "Word."
Aeryn returns to Moya, and after some predictable and unimportant back-and-forth with Rygel, she asks Chiana to join her for a moment. She then pulls her close and grabs Rygel by the ear, and informs them both that the baby and Moya are not going to be separated, and any more talk about it will result in them (well, Rygel) being thrown out into space. She then asks after the landing party, and upon hearing that Pilot's still checking, decrees that if they're not back in an arn, they're going to look for them. She leaves, and Rygel asks, "'We'?" Chiana: "She must mean you." Hee.
At the transport, D'Argo's happy to hear someone enter -- but it's M'Lee, spikes down and sporting blue light bulbs as opposed to red. D'Argo takes this to mean she's no longer feral, which must mean she's eaten. I know this is a dramatic place to go to the break, M'Lee, but if you don't want a blast from the Qualta blade, I'd suggest you DENY THAT.
After the break, M'Lee tells D'Argo she didn't eat anyone -- she used all her remaining calcium to present herself in this way so he would listen. Before she can say anything else, though, her light bulbs turn red and she screams in agony, so apparently there wasn't a lot in reserve. D'Argo looks moderately sympathetic, but says he has nothing to offer her...but then he gets A Look as he tells her there's a ship out there with thousands of beings, and no one will regret their passing. He says that as soon as they blast off from the asteroid, the ship will come to investigate. M'Lee looks hopeful, and says she'll control her urges.
Crichton returns to the lab, and Br'nee tries to keep up the act. Crichton: "You know, it's funny. Sometimes I'm very, very slow." Agreed on all counts, except I'd say it's actually hilarious. Anyway, Crichton takes a million years to get to the point, and that's really kind of representative of the whole episode, but anyway: Zhaan has no bones, so M'Lee wouldn't want her. Crichton draws his gun and holds Br'nee at bay, and quickly finds a miniaturized Zhaan in a snazzy jar. Unfortunately, he gets too preoccupied with how much the specimen would go for on eBay to notice Br'nee coming for him. A fistfight ensues, with the hot human overcoming the round shambling mound, but while Crichton dithers over finding the control to un-miniaturize Zhaan, Br'nee gets to his feet and points Crichton's blaster at him. He gives a long-winded speech (is there any other kind in this episode?) about how he's consumed by his work as a botanist, and through Zhaan he might be able to discover medical advances his species has never even dreamed of. "Is that not a fair trade-off?" Sorry, dude, but this episode has dragged on far too long for me to start analyzing that One To Grow On. I'm happy to report, though, that Crichton's earlier speech about how he's so slow was covering the fact that he removed the chakan oil cartridge from his gun, so Br'nee is unable to shoot him as he activates the machine. It starts to rebuild Zhaan from the toes up as Br'nee hurls himself at Crichton, but Crichton tosses him into the beam, which neatly severs Br'nee in two before going back to the process of reconstituting Zhaan. Not sure how that worked from a logistical standpoint, but I'm not about to question it with five minutes left either. Zhaan reports a "weird sensation," but is none the worse for wear, and thanks Crichton.
The underling from earlier enters Crais's quarters and reports that they've located the transport pod on the asteroid, and adds, in a more hushed tone, that Scorpius has ordered several Marauder teams into the asteroid field. He asks if it's true that Scorpius can sense their fears and their weaknesses; Crais, for his part, looks like it's just hit him that he'll never be allowed in the Captains Only Turkish Bath again. It's too bad -- he really does need to relax. Anyway, the point here is that this officer is loyal to Crais, and is trying to get some different orders out of him, but Crais is beyond caring at this point, and simply says to do as Scorpius commands.
Zhaan finishes plundering Br'nee's stores, and she and Crichton turn to go when an agitated M'Lee appears. She sinks to her knees, and seems to be willing to starve rather than attempt to eat them (well, Crichton, anyway) and Crichton says they have to find a way to take her with them. M'Lee nixes that idea, saying she'd never be able to control her urges, and informs them of what D'Argo told her about the Peacekeepers' imminent arrival. She cries, though, that she must eat something now, prompting Crichton to point her to Br'nee's corpse(s). She stands slowly, not daring to believe it for a moment, but rushes off-screen and gets to bone-crunching work. Zhaan: "There is much cruelty in the universe." There's much grossness, too.
Back on Moya, Pilot is complimenting them on the charts they brought back, saying that now they'll be able to find their way out of the asteroid field. A re-bundled Crichton asks Aeryn about the baby, and Aeryn's face lights up as she tells him he's amazing, "and frightening." Elsewhere, Zhaan is lamenting the fact that all the plants on the asteroid will now go to waste, but D'Argo says they'll be found by someone else, and repeats a sentiment from earlier: "In the great scheme of things, it's all the same." Zhaan wonders when their roles got reversed, and D'Argo tells her it happened when she needed it to. Rygel sexually harasses Chiana for a moment, and then Pilot tells Aeryn that Moya wants her to know how well she and the child are communicating now, and Moya would be extremely gratified if Aeryn were to choose a name for the baby. I'd be extremely gratified, too -- particularly if she'd choose one that's no more than, say, five letters? It's easier on the fingers that way. Aeryn's initial embarrassment gives way to bald joy. Aw.
In Br'nee's lab, Scorpius is giving his men instructions regarding their search of the asteroid. The underling from earlier enters and reports he found a survivor, and then M'Lee runs in and puts her arms around Scorpius in that same damsel-in-distress routine from earlier. The underling looks ready to pull her off, but Scorpius puts up a hand and says that they must sometimes show compassion. "As a matter of honor, sometimes we must be willing to give of ourselves." Hee. Scorpius, you crafty devil, you. I just hope for Crais's sake that he doesn't drink a lot of milk. M'Lee closes her eyes, and her light bulbs go from blue to red as we head into the closing credits.