Hello. Everything is still sad. You have been warned.
We open at the Abbott house. Bright walks in with a pretty girl who looks to be at least sixty-five years old, and introduces her to Amy as "Jillian." Hannah walks in obliviously, babbling to Amy about the music she's picked out, until she turns around and Bright introduces her to Jillian and the world goes black. Bright says they're going to get something to eat, and leaves Jillian alone with Amy and Hannah while he gets his wallet. Hannah asks Jillian what her name was, again? Jillian: "Jillian." Hannah: "Ah. Good name. Better than Barbie. I thought your name might be Barbie." Hee. Bright comes back and whisks Jillian away before Hannah can scratch her eyes out.
When they're gone, Amy tells Hannah to just breathe and calm down. Hannah asks Amy if it looks like she cares that Bright only dates perfect women, because she totally doesn't. Amy asks Hannah to help her with her "mix," and Hannah says she can't -- not everyone is a second-semester high school senior. Amy: "Yeah, it's better than you think. The teacher assigns you homework, and you just look at them like, 'Wow, it's really cute that you think I'm actually going to do that.'" She is also relieved because all her applications are in, Ephram's audition tape goes out tomorrow, and now they get to max and relax. Hannah wonders what relaxed Ephram even looks like.
Cut to the Brown house, where we get a glimpse of this elusive relaxed Ephram. He is not there, but the regular kind of Ephram is, and he's trying to get Treat to help him decide which audition tape to send in. Treat says he just can't tell the difference. Ephram says it's the order of the songs -- "If I pick Bach, it says I'm ambitious. If I pick Chopin, it says I'm traditional." Treat: "Which one says you're OCD?" Ephram says it's not funny; presentation counts! "By the way, how do you like my choice of font?" Heh. Treat's phone rings just then, so he is not required to answer that very geeky question. Treat's ringtone is the theme song from Hawaii Five-O. Awesome. Well, awesome until Treat tells Ephram it's not his "everyday ring," and says he'll take the call outside. Now it's just pukey. Treat walks outside, makes a dumb joke, and asks Amanda how San Diego and her mom's house are. Flash to Amanda, who is on the phone in San Diego, and also smoking a cigarette, which…what was even the point of that, pray tell? Amanda's BAD! Anyway, she says she wants to ditch her kid at her mother's, and come home early so she and Treat can have lots of sex and be wrong, wrong, wrong. Treat thinks this is a great idea, and agrees to pick her up the morning at the airport. Amanda then informs Treat that he will be taking the day off, so they can get a good head start on their shadiness. Treat thinks that this, too, is a great idea, and we go to the credits.
When we get back, it's the morning in lovely, wintry, snowy Everwood. Ephram is picking Amy up for school, and he does that thing where, every time Amy tries to open the car door, he hits the gas. Amy finally makes it into the car, where she asks Ephram if he sent his audition tape in yet. Ephram says he has, and stops at the light. He tells Amy that he can turn right, and they can head into the world of County High, or he can turn left. Amy asks what's left. Ephram tells his girlfriend, as if she didn't know, that left is freedom and opportunity! "Left is a chance for you and me to spend however many hours doing whatever we want, however we want, wherever we want." Amy finds this idea intriguing, and asks if there will be pancakes involved. Ephram says there certainly will, and adds, "Tick tock, Abbott, the light's about to change." So cute. Amy says they go for it, and Ephram peels out. Oh my God.
Downtown Everwood. A time stamp tells us that it is 8:35 AM. Patch "Chipper? I hardly know 'er!" Abbott practically prances down the street, so happy is he that "a certain New York neurosurgeon" will not be gracing them with his presence that day. Louise, trying to keep up, says Patch must have gotten her message. He even tells Thurman, who requests a walk-in, which he knows that Patch doesn't normally do, that today is his lucky day. "Today, you will see how one humble physician, working determinedly but alone, will be able to service an entire schedule of appointments -- providing the utmost of care and professionalism! -- and still finish in time for four o'clock canasta." Thurman and Louise stand in wonder. As do we all. Unfortunately, Patch's plan is not to be. He opens the office door and is greeted by a huge rush of water, a completely flooded office, and a broken pipe. Uh oh.
Amy and Ephram, at the pancake place. Amy walks back to their booth and tosses a hat at Ephram, telling him that she got him something. Ephram reads from the hat, "To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing." Heeeee. Amy rocks. She asks Ephram what he found for them to do, and Ephram says the pickin's he has found in the Everwood Pineconeare pretty slim -- there's a blood drive and a garage sale. Amy can't think of anything, either. She suggests that they need backup, and grins an evil grin.
Cut to the front of the Brown house, where Treat and Amanda have just pulled up. Amanda runs for the bathroom while Treat unloads the car. Nina walks out of her house and notices that Treat is "still home." Treat: "Uh…yeah! You…too." Nina says today's her day off, then cuts to the damn chase. "Is that Amanda Hayes?" Treat's like, "What? Who? Huh? Oh, her, she's just over for a visit." Nina is not fooled. Treat says he knows what it looks like. Nina says he obviously knows it looks bad, because he sure kept it a secret. Treat tells her she doesn't even know what's going on. Nina spits, "No, I don't, because somewhere along the line I stopped being your best friend and you took up home-wrecking." Treat says he didn't really even know what was going on himself, and he was going to wait and see before he told Nina about it. Nice one, Treat. Except, not. Nina's all, "Really. What would you have said, anyway? That you were having an affair with a married woman whose husband you're supposed to be taking care of?" Treat says Nina isn't being fair. Oh, WAH! Nina says she is totally shocked, this is a new low for even him, and she doesn't even know what to say to him. "For the first time since I've known you, I…" Treat asks, "For the first time since you've known me what?" Nina finishes, "I wish I didn't." Ow. As Nina walks back to her house, Dimples heads onto the porch in a bathrobe and waves cheerily to Treat. We go to commercials with Treat standing alone in the snow, staring open-mouthed at Nina's door.
We come back to Dimples's office. Patch and Thurman walk in and greet Edna. Edna says she ain't buying any of whatever those two are selling. Patch says he's afraid they have a situation -- Louise forgot to set the thermostat the night before, and the pipes froze and ruptured. To Patch's great irritation, Edna starts laughing her ass off, and he has to practically beg her to let him practice there for the day. Edna says so many rules that Patch gives up and starts to leave, but just then Dimples arrives and makes everything all better. Patch thanks him, and notes that he is pleased to see that at least SOME people around the place appreciate the notion of professional courtesy. Edna: "I'm watching you." Heh.
County. Girls' Bathroom. Time stamp: 9:49 AM. Hannah walks into the bathroom. Amy reaches her arm out of a stall and jerks Hannah inside. Amy shushes her and then grins. Hannah: "I'm uncomfortable." Amy informs Hannah that she is being kidnapped. Hannah argues that she can't, because she has a quiz in American History. Amy cares not. She takes Hannah's arm and pulls her out of the bathroom. As she's being dragged, Hannah wails, "But I never got to peeee!"
Brown House. Treat can't believe that Nina and Dimples are together. Amanda, who is wearing nothing but one of Treat's dress shirts -- let's all take a moment for a big WHATEVER here -- says she'd heard rumors, and it seems like a good match. Treat says he's completely wrong for her. Amanda: "Attractive, charming, single doctor. Yeah, she should get out now." Treat complains that Dimples is all "teeth," and Nina needs someone more real. Amanda asks what is really going on. Treat says they should have gone to her house. Amanda finally gets it that Nina busted them. Treat says it just took him by surprise, and that Nina had some "very strong" opinions on the subject. Amanda says the way she sees it is that people are going to look at them and assume the worst, that this is some juicy affair to gossip about, but they don't even know what's going on, and she doesn't really give a shit what people who don't know what her life has been like for the last five years think. Treat tries to object, but Amanda says nobody gets to ruin it for them. EXCEPT ME. Consider yourselves ruined, assholes!
Time stamp, 11:20 AM. Amy and Ephram drive their prisoner around Everwood, still trying to think of ideas. Hannah is wearing the virgin cap. Hee. Ephram complains that they've been everywhere in Everwood -- twice -- and it's getting lame. Hannah says she knows who would know what to do today. Of course she does, because Hannah is in looooove.
Cut to Bright's office. Bright is sitting in his cube, and when he checks his email, there's one from Amy and Ephram that reads, "Look up." He does. Hannah is walking in, with Bright's supervisor trailing after her. Hannah fakes crying and tells Bright, "It's Mr. Jingles. There's been a terrible accident!" Hannah goes on to say that she was backing out of his driveway and got distracted by the radio, and starts to "cry" even harder. "I never even saaaaaw hiiiiimmmm!" Bright plays it so cool, all, "Oh my GOD." His boss says he completely understands if Bright needs some personal time. Bright says that would be great, and thanks his boss. He and Hannah haul ass out of there, and run into Jillian just as Bright is complimenting Hannah on her skillz. Hannah doesn't have to fake being sad this time, and Bright lies to Jillian that they're off to a funeral. Jillian asks if they're still on for "tonight." Bright says no, and to give him a call. Jillian says she will. Hannah tries not to vomit.
Hartman/Abbott Office. Edna is bitching at Patch to sign something he forgot about. Dimples pulls on his coat and says he's out of there. Edna can't believe he's leaving her with Patch. Dimples: "It'll be good for you, Edna! Quality time with your kids is hard to come by." Edna retorts, "Not if you don't want it." Dimples tells Edna that she is "a doodle," the hilarity of which I cannot even describe to you without doing it some sort of injustice. Whoever wrote Dimples this week, I salute you. After he leaves, Patch and Edna bicker for a while about nothing in particular. Patch tells his mother that as soon as he is done with Mrs. Ewing and her psoriasis, he is out of there. Oh, but you aren't, are you, Patch? Just then a mother walks in with her very green-looking son. "Jackson" went to a birthday party, and now he has a stomachache. Dear Parents of the World: STOP NAMING YOUR CHILDREN JACKSON. It's not cute, it's not a family name, and you are not fooling anyone. Thank you. Moving on. Patch leans over and asks Jackson what seems to be the trouble. Jackson answers by sicking all over Patch's shoes. When a huge crowd of parents and sick children start streaming into the office, Patch and Edna are informed that it was kind of a big party. Fun!
Now it is my turn to be sick. Treat and Amanda are at a spa, in matching robes, slippers, and googly eyes. Amanda is telling Treat about some vacation she wants to take in a tiny Vermont town called Manchester. Treat is nodding along about how great it would be until Amanda tells him she's made them a reservation for the weekend. Treat isn't so sure about this -- it's a big step; and besides, what about the children? Yes, MOMMY. What about the children? Treat continues to balk, and Amanda pouts. Treat asks what the problem is, and Amanda says she just wants more. Shut up, Amanda. Commercials.
Amy, Ephram, Hannah, and Bright walk on the railroad tracks and throw snow around at each other. Ephram mentions that going to a bar and playing pool would be fun, which Amy takes as the perfect opportunity to get in a dig about going to see Madison play. Ephram says it wasn't a bar, it was a coffeehouse, and she wasn't even there. Hannah says they're giving her a migraine. Bright amens, and says truancy is serious business, which they are failing miserably at. Ephram says he hasn't seen Bright come up with anything better than rabbit hunting. Bright: "Don't knock gunplay. And I've also come up with poker, whirly-ball…Polar Bear?" Heh. Amy says she's not jumping into a frozen lake. Bright says that's fine, but he only has two hours left before he has to pick up Jillian. Hannah suddenly suggests they go ice fishing. Bright says he likes that idea. Hannah says she and her dad used to go when she was little, in Minnesota, and it was awesome. Bright asks how long her parents have been in China. Ephram, always up with the Asians, corrects, "Hong Kong." Hannah blurts, "They're not in Hong Kong. They're still in Minnesota. My dad's sick." Amy, who knows exactly what is happening, chides softly, "Hannah." There is no turning back now, though -- Hannah tells Ephram and Bright the sad Huntington's disease story. She says it's a brain disease, so it takes a long time to…you know. Oh, well, here come the motherfucking tears. Hannah goes on, "I've been writing to him ever since I got here, every week. He can't read any of them, but it makes me feel better somehow." Ephram asks why she didn't tell them before. Hannah says she just didn't want to bum everyone out. Bright gives the most heartbreaking little head shake and walks over to hug Hannah. "I'm so sorry." Hannah breaks away and runs off. Amy follows her, leaving the boys to stand there and feel weird.
Nina's house. Dimples walks in and tells Nina that whatever she's cooking smells amazing. Nina says it's just soup. Dimples sees that Nina's not into it, and apologizes, saying he should have called first. Nina says he's fine, she's fine, everything's fine. Except we all know that it ain't. Dimples asks her if it's about what happened with Treat that morning, and if she wants to talk about it. "Ugh. Well, I can't. Believe me, you don't want to know. I don't even want to know." Dimples reminds Nina that good fences make good neighbors. Nina says there's not a fence in the world high enough to keep Treat away, especially not when he wants to judge you, or run your life. "But when it comes to him? It's all different." Dimples, who is as smart as he is cute, which is A LOT, gets a look of recognition on his face. "It's him, isn't it? The high school guy, the guy you had feelings for. Why didn't you tell me?" Nina says there's nothing to tell. Dimples says he definitely wouldn't have called that one. Nina asks why that is, and Dimples says surgeons are all ego. "I wouldn't think you'd go for someone like that." Nina says pointedly, "I didn't." Dimples says maybe he should go, and Nina apologizes immediately. Heh. She doesn't mean to take all this out on him, but she just hates that she can't go over there and apologize like normal people do. Dimples tells Nina that whatever it is that's bugging her, she has to go talk to Treat about it -- apology or no apology, it's unhealthy to hold it in. "And more importantly," he adds, wrapping his arms around her from behind, "it's seriously messing with my Nina-time." Aw! Nina says the soup's getting close, if we know what she means, and I am certain that we do. Dimples asks, "So…this world-famous neurosurgeon who lives just steps from your front door. Should I be worried?" Nina says not unless he's the kind of guy who's always putting himself first. Dimples assures Nina that he is a giver, and to prove it, he gives her a big old kiss.
Back at the Snowy Fun Dead Daddy Party, the time stamp tells us that it's 4:43 PM. Amy bangs on the door of the restroom Hannah has found to hide in. Hannah yells at Amy to go away, she's fine. Amy says she can hear Hannah crying, and she's not going away until Hannah lets her in. The door slams open, and Amy walks in. Amy: "My God, this place is disgusting." Hannah: "Try not to touch anything." Heh. Amy asks Hannah if she's okay. Hannah says of course she's not okay -- she's a horrible, evil, sick person who doesn't deserve to be loved, and she can't believe Amy can even stand to look at her. Amy says Hannah didn't do anything but tell the truth. Hannah: "Yes, but for all the wrong reasons! I just played the tragedy card, and it was totally manipulative, and I hate myself." Guess what, Hannah? I hate you too, for making me cry YET AGAIN. Amy tells Hannah that nobody knows why she said it. Hannah says the only reason she did was because she wanted Bright to like her. Oh! So sad. Amy says Bright isn't even capable of being manipulated -- he just does what he wants anyway(s). Hannah, who is wearing a super-cute white coat and argyle-ish hat/scarf combo for those of you interested in that kind of thing, says she hates that Bright will never look at her the way he looks at all of those other girls, so she feels like she has to find some other way in. "But this? This was so wrong! I feel like I should just go to church and, like, just throw down some Hail Marys or something." Amy laughs and says she'll pitch that idea to the boys. She takes Hannah's hands and tells her how much cooler she is than all those other girls, and that jealousy is a complete waste of time and energy. Hannah: "Oh, really. So you never feel jealous of Madison?" Amy says it's different; Madison is an ex. Hannah says it actually is different, since Amy has nothing to be jealous about -- since Ephram is her boyfriend, and also, totally in love with her. Amy: "Yeah, that's why we spent half the day fighting." Hannah sighs, and tells Amy no offense, but she is like fifty percent of the problem when it comes to that. Amy sputters, "Buh! Hannah, even if that's true, you're not supposed to say it!" Hee. Hannah ignores this, and advises Amy that she is going to really have to forgive Ephram, because this whole passive-aggressive thing she's doing is going to break them up for real. Amy's like, "I thought I came in here to help YOU." Hannah, who is so damn cool, replies, "And then I turned it around. I'm tricky like that." Hugs all 'round!
Abbott/Abbott/(Hartman) Office. Edna bustles around handing out sticky notes, all, "Okay, privates, listen up! You are going to tell me which end is up. Pink is for the pukers! Yellow is for the poopers!" Patch is on puke patrol. He grabs a trash can and shoves it under a kid's nose, calling to Edna that they're out of emesis basins. He adds that he definitely thinks it's staph. Edna says if it is, they need to get those babies hydrated. They say to each other in unison, "Grab the Pedialyte!" Patch says he's got it, and hands it over to Edna, who smiles at her son, because she knows that they are AWESOME.
Brown House. Time stamp: 5:01 PM. Treat's in the kitchen when Nina walks in and says hey. Treat heys her back, then says, "Usually, when I'm coming over to do the apologizing, I like to jump right in. Gets us to the cookie part quicker." Nina says she wants to apologize for yelling earlier…but she's not sure she's sorry for what was said. Treat: "So this is a non-apology apology?" Nina says she knows that the last thing Treat needs from her is a lecture, but he is her best friend, and she thinks that maybe if she has some advice, she should share it. Treat says that sounds good, but it would be great if she could leave the lecture part out. "I get enough of that from the kids." Aw. Nina takes a deep breath and says, "I think you have a real problem, Andy. I don't mean with Amanda, necessarily. I mean, in general." Well, tell us how you really feel, Nina. She asks Treat if he's ever really thought about what he's been doing dating-wise since Julia died. Treat can't even speak, much less think. He says he doesn't understand the question. Nina says it just seems to her that Treat has made it his mission to seek out unavailable women, and offers up Dr. Trott, Rinda, and now Amanda as pretty damn good examples. "It's like you can't get involved unless you know the relationship has no future." Treat says he didn't know about Rinda, not at first. Nina says yes, but he did know about Amanda, and he needs to check himself before he ends up all alone, permanently. Treat says maybe he's supposed to be alone -- most people don't get as lucky as he was with Julia, and he screwed that up, so maybe he deserves this. Nina says she doesn't believe that, and she doesn't think he does, either. Treat: "I don't know. I was a pretty lousy husband." Oh, Treat, the tragedy card is only awesome when Hannah uses it. Nina reminds Treat that he was also a really crappy dad, but he turned that around, didn't he? She wraps it up: "You deserve to be happy. And if you're preventing yourself from letting that happen? I am sorry, but I just can't let you do that. Don't punish yourself -- consider it time served. Now go find somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved." I hate to tell you this, kids, but that was beautiful.
The Truant Four. Time stamp: 5:08 PM. While Amy and Hannah are still in the nasty bathroom, Bright asks Ephram why Hannah's parents would send her away if her dad were dying. Ephram says he doesn't know. Bright throws some snow around and says he doesn't know either. Ephram says there's no silver lining -- she stays, and sees her dad die a horrible death; she leaves, and feels guilty for the rest of her life. Bright is all, "OKAY. Hannah doesn't need us to throw her a pity party, here." Ephram says it never ceases to amaze him how much life just sucks. Bright: "Dude. Buzzkill. If you're going to slash your wrists, just give me the heads-up, okay?" Heh. Ephram says if you think about it, tragedy is the only thing the group of them has in common. Bright says at least they found each other and are friends. Ephram says the point is, they all got screwed. "We're way older than it says on our driver's license. Most kids our age don't know what we're going through. That's why most kids our age know how to throw a proper ditch day." I would like to mention here that Ephram's increasingly hideous hair has been hidden for most of the episode by a knit cap, so…whoever is was that put that thing on his head, BLESS YOU. Bright is indignant. "I've thrown plenty of proper ditch days in my time. And the truth is, Ephram, there is a silver lining. You just fail to see it -- I think that's part of your problem. Think about it. You come here and meet Amy and it helps you through what could have been a nightmare year. And because of your mom, you were able to help her. And now Hannah just randomly moves door to you? Dude. We can help her with this thing. If that's not lucky, I don't know what is." Ephram still doesn't think they're lucky. Bright says they are so, and no matter what Ephram says, they're also young. "You want to have a proper ditch day? Nut up and do it." HA! Ephram says fine, time, he will. Bright's all, "time, nothing. There is plenty of day left. Get in the car." Uh…Ephram, please cover your eyes for a second? I LOVE YOU BRIGHT CALL ME NOW PLEASE I SWEAR YOU WON'T REGRET IT!!!! And, commercials.
We come back to Edna and Patch in an empty office, patting themselves on the back for a job well done. Edna suggests they get a drink, but Patch says he is too tired to go anywhere but home. Edna jumps up from her chair and heads into Dimples's office, saying they may not have to. She pries open a grate from the wall and pulls out a bottle of liquor. Patch marvels, "Is that Dad's old Glenfidditch?" Edna says that bottle has been in there for at least twenty years -- Hal, Sr. kept it around for emergencies and special occasions, and she would say this one is both. Patch pours them both a shot. Edna starts, "To beefsteak when you're hungry, whiskey when you're dry..." Patch finishes, "To all the girls you'd ever want, and heaven when you die. Cheers." They drink, and Patch says it seems like another lifetime ago, them working in that office together. Edna remembers how nervous Patch was when he first started. Patch gets a little misty, and says they sure were a good team once. "Thanks for staying today, Mother." Edna: "Junior? I wouldn't have had it any other way." Drink!
6:39 PM. Treat shows up at Amanda's house to tell her something. Before he can say anything, Amanda tells him she's sorry for being a jackass, because he was right -- it's time to start acting like a married woman. But, wait! Treat has different ideas. He blurts, "I don't want to stop seeing you. I've been doing some thinking, with some help from a pushy neighbor, and it made me realize what I want. I want you, Amanda, in whatever way I can be with you, I want that now. And if there's any possibility of a future, I want that too. I want whatever we can have." Amanda decides that, okay, she was wrong about being wrong, and now they can deceive everyone they love in peace, how about that? JESUS GAY.
A sweet strummy song plays as we cut to our favorite four, sledding and running around and frolicking in the snow. Someone yells, "That was so much fun!" just as Bright's cell phone rings. Hannah tells him it's probably Jillian, and he better hurry up and answer it before it goes to voicemail. Bright says he can go to the movie any night, and challenges Hannah to one more run down the hill…"unless you're too chicken." Hannah tells him that his sad attempt at reverse psychology isn't going to work on her, then squeals, "Race you to the top!" As they run off in the cutest way ever, Amy and Ephram decide it's time to get a little alone time in in the car. They head towards the Lincoln, and the song starts up again.
Hannah's room; time stamp, 10:20 PM. "Friday, January 28th, 2005. Dear Dad: I'm too tired to write much tonight, but it's amazing how the smallest things can change your whole outlook. I guess all you need to know is that today…was the perfect day."