The Birds & The Batteries

We open at Nina's house, where Delia and Sam are playing hide-and-go-seek. Delia is helping Nina fold clothes while she waits for Sam to hide. Now that's a damn fine idea -- kids being forced to do manual labor while they play! Delia tells Nina Sam always hides in the same places -- under the bed or in the closet -- so it doesn't really matter how long she counts. Nina tells Delia it's nice of her to play along anyway. Delia's all, "I know." She goes off to find Sam, runs into Nina's room, and immediately checks under the bed. As she does this, Nina walks into the room with her recently-folded basket of laundry. Imagine Nina's surprise when Delia pops up from the side of the bed with a vibrator in her hand. "What's this?" Nina nearly faints. Delia informs Nina that it was under the bed. "That's where that thing got to thank you so much I've been looking everywhere for that," Nina run-ons. Delia asks what it is. Why, it's a foot massager, Delia! Nina explains that it helps relieve the tension in her feet. Delia wants to know how it works. Nina: "Oh, it doesn't. It's broken." She takes the "foot massager" away from Delia, who is now suspicious. She asks why Nina still has it if it's broken, and why she keeps it under her bed. Nina says she was totally going to return it, and has no answer for the second question. She diverts Delia's attention by saying that they should probably go check on Sam. And, after the shortest teaser ever, we go to the credits.

Treat's House of LIES, LIES, LIES! Nina and Treat are in the laundry room, while Nina explains the vibrator story to Treat. Treat's all, "A foot massager? Did she see it? Did she turn it on? Was there...buzzing?" Hee. Nina says she took it away immediately, and apologizes. Treat asks her what it is about her house, what with the Penthouses and vibrators lying around everywhere. "It's like living door to Larry Flynt." Yes, Treat, because a couple of dirty magazines and a vibrator are clear evidence of Nina's sexual deviance. Nina says she just wanted Treat to know, in case Delia started asking questions. Treat is horrified that he might have to actually explain something to his daughter. Just then, Delia walks in whining about Ephram eating all the ice cream. Treat and Nina turn to Delia with identical cat-that-ate-the-canary expressions. Delia's suspicions are, once again, aroused, because she is, as they say, "not retarded." She asks what they're talking about. Treat, master of improv, blurts, "Cheese!" Hee. He amends his answer quickly to "cheesecake," and he and Nina come up with an elaborate lie about the cheesecake they were discussing for Delia's birthday the week. Nina, claimng she really has to go, blows out of there like her ass is on fire. Delia doesn't believe a word these people have said, and interrogates her dad, "What were you really talking about?" Treat insists they were talking about cheese...cake, and distracts Delia with ice cream.

As soon as Bright's out of earshot, Patch lets Rose in on his real feelings, as if they weren't obvious enough already. Rose tells him to stop it, and be glad that Bright is doing so well and the restaurant likes him so much. Patch is all, "They love him. Didn't you hear? Mikey is giving him dinner shifts. Boo-yah!" Someone in the forums said that Patch needs to be required to say "boo-yah" in every single episode from here on out, and I wholeheartedly agree. Get on that ASAP, Berlanti. Rose, again, tells Patch to shut it, and let Bright be happy for now. Patch says that Bright is too happy, and that's the trouble -- if the plaque on the wall is all the validation he needs, he might not ever pursue something more. Rose thinks Patch is on the bad crack, but lets it slide.

Cut to Amy and Ephram. Amy is biting her fingernails and worrying whether she should call Hannah to see if she's okay. Ephram says she's fine. Amy disagrees, and asserts that Ephram obviously wasn't listening to the story she was just telling. Ephram says that not making the ballet team isn't a big deal. Amy says Hannah didn't just not make it, she fell down in front of everybody, and bumped into people, and everyone started laughing. Ephram giggles a little bit. Mean. Amy tells him that it's not funny. Ephram says it kind of is, and since Hannah can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, signing up for ballet wasn't the wisest move on her part. Amy says it wasn't Hannah's idea, it was hers. Ephram says it's not Amy's fault that Hannah fell. Amy, freaking out in the way that only an Abbott can, says everything's her fault -- first the Bright thing, now this, and now Hannah has just one more completely humiliating experience that she can relate back to Amy. Ephram, who is being just a tiny bit too cool about this, says that Hannah will get over it. Amy: "I just want her to like me." Oh, Amy. It took some of us three years to like you. Give it some time, honey. Ephram says Hannah will find her niche -- she kind of already has, since she's a writer. Amy's ears perk up at this. She immediately formulates a plan to get Hannah to join the newspaper, and the yearbook, and submit her writing to all the cool magazines, like Cosmo Girl and Jane, and then she'll be the most popular girl in the SCHOOL! Of course, Amy adds, she'll have to read Hannah's personal journals first, to find out if she's actually a good writer. Ephram's like, "You think she'll just hand those over to you?" Amy says that's the point she's been trying to make -- their friendship hasn't reached that level yet, and it needs to. Amy, what is the first rule of Stalker Club? WE DON'T TALK ABOUT STALKER CLUB.

Treat's Office of Hello, MEOW! Treat is advising his patient -- a beturbaned black lady whose eyes are so black that either her husband beats the crap out of her, or she's got cancer -- to avoid any undue exertion. Cancer Lady says it's hard to exert much of anything these days. Her husband, the fabulous Ernie Hudson, comforts her from the sidelines. Treat tells "Mrs. Hoover" that she has had an amazing run. Ernie adds, "That's because she is amazing." Aw. Mrs. Hoover says it's all part of her master plan -- she skipped over denial and went straight to anger. It's that pesky acceptance stage she's not so sure about. Ernie tells Treat that their daughter moved her wedding date up two weeks so that Mrs. Hoover might be around to attend. Mrs. Hoover shows Treat the newly-printed invitations. Mrs. Hoover, who is already breaking my heart, asks Treat, "What do you say, Doc? Will I get to see my baby girl in her wedding gown? It's a Vera Wang. Cost more than my chemo." Oh, humor in the face of tragedy! It gets me every single time, as DAMN YOU BERLANTI obviously knows. Treat tells Mrs. Hoover to just take it easy until the wedding. Then he grins and says, "But I have a very good feeling about it." The Hoovers are happy. Mrs. Hoover thanks Treat for everything, and they get up to leave. Ernie hangs back and asks Treat if he really thinks Mrs. Hoover will make it for the wedding. Treat says that, while there are no guarantees, he does. Ernie asks Treat if there's anything he can do. Treat tells Ernie just to keep Mrs. Hoover as comfortable as possible -- that's all anybody can do for her now. Ernie: "How long?" Treat: "Six weeks...maybe. I'm so sorry." Ernie shakes off his sadness and goes to see about his wife. It's commercial time, and I would advise all of you to get up right now and see about a cocktail and a hanky, because the Hoovers will be back, my weepy friends.

When we come back, Delia and Brittany are lying in bed together (dirty!), discussing what it could be that Nina and Treat are trying to hide about the "foot massager." Delia asks Brittany if she thinks it's weird that Nina keeps her massager under the bed. Brittany offers, "My brother keeps dirty magazines under his bed." Delia's like, "Exactly. You keep secret stuff under your bed." She asks Brittany what she keeps under her bed. Brittany: "Extra Twinkies." Delia: "Me too!" Hee. Brittany says she'll ask her stepmom about Nina's secret. Delia thinks this is a good plan.

Cut to the diner, where Treat is discussing the various herbs in his sandwich that make it taste so good. Treat is gayer than my husband, and here is how gay my husband is: he differentiates between chopped garlic and minced garlic. He hems his pants one-eighth of an inch. He owns more hair products than Paul Mitchell. I could go on, but I will spare him further embarrassment. Oh, look! It's Scooter Dimpleman! He bops in and asks Nina, "How's my favorite waitress?" Nina, who is impervious to both the charm and the dimples, answers, "Tired, underpaid, and smelling vaguely of grease." Scooter requests a coffee, to go. As Nina fills his order, Scooter sits down to Treat and says, "She looks pretty cute in that apron, doesn't she?" Treat ignores his nemesis. Scooter goes on, "What's the story with you two? You ever hook it up?" Treat glares at Scooter and says, "'Hook it up'? Who are you, my frat brother?" Ha! Scooter tells Treat not to be mad about Edna; she came to him, and he would have never given her the job if he knew it would "come between" them. Scooter suggests that he and Treat "hug it out," because he's got a case he could really use some backup on. He opens his arms wide, all, "Come on, Andy. Come on." Treat reluctantly hugs Scooter. It is the funniest thing I have seen in my lifetime. After they hug, Treat says, "Wow, that is some shampoo you're using. What is that, apple?" Scooter: "Pear." Okay, so...both gay. Awesome. Scooter tells Treat that his patient is a fifty-four-year-old African American male with viral cardiomyopathy. The problem is, the man needs a transplant if he's going to live much longer, and the patient won't even let Scooter put him on the list. Scooter wants Treat to try and get through to the patient. Treat says he'll do it, but not because he likes him. He waits a beat, then says, "I still don't like you." Heh. Scooter says he'll send over the chart. Treat starts to walk out of the diner, then asks what the patient's name is. Scooter. "Hoover. Bill Hoover." Hmmm. Interesting.

Amy's Room of Unsolicited Social Help. Hannah is over, and the girls are doing homework together. Amy puts her plan in motion: "So, I hear you're a writer." Hannah says she's totally not; she just writes, which is more different than it sounds. Amy asks if she does poetry. Hannah: "Please, no. I'm not Daria." Amy asks what she writes. Hannah says she writes some short stories, but mainly just whatever comes into her head, like journal-type stuff. Amy's all, "Cool, can I see?" Hannah is mortified. Amy sees that she needs to go to Plan B, which is revealing Plan A. She tells Hannah that she thinks it would be, like, totally awesome if Hannah could use writing as a way to meet new people and get more involved in school. Hannah: "Do I need to meet new people?" Amy explains that Hannah doesn't have to be a big-time joiner or anything, but sometimes it's good to try something new, and she might be surprised and actually like it. Amy then informs Hannah that she will be submitting one of her stories to Jane, which will make her super-popular and cool. Hannah's like, "Wait, WHAT?" Amy tells her not to worry, that she'll help her pick a story out, and she doesn't have to do it alone. Hannah says she doesn't want to do it at all. Amy can't believe that Hannah isn't beside herself with excitement about this plan. Hannah says her writing is private, and she hasn't ever shown anybody any of it. Amy: "So you won't even show me?" You, whom Hannah has known for approximately five minutes? Get over yourself, Abbott. Amy says to just forget she ever asked. Hannah looks sad. Sad, but right.

Dinnertime at the Abbott House. Patch, in a pink shirt and his usual tucked-in napkin, says to Bright, "You'll never guess who I ran into today." Bright: "Paris Hilton." Hee. Patch says no, he ran into "Ralph Bigelow," and it turns out that Ralph is looking for new lodge hosts over at the Inn. Patch's grand plan is for Bright to take a hosting job, so he can learn all the ins and outs of the service, then go to college and major in hotel and resort management. He's gotten Bright an interview for the afternoon. Bright looks at his mother for reassurance. Rose nods in approval. Patch tells Bright that there's an especially fine program at UNLV. Bright is wooed by the thought of a Vegas education. He thanks his parents and says he'll definitely think about it, but he can't interview tomorrow, because he's working at the job he already has. Ah, not so fast, young hottie. Patch has already called Mikey and arranged for Bright to have the day off. Bright is clearly furious, but hides it well. He thanks his parents again for the cool opportunity, then heads up to his room to throw large objects at walls.

Cut to Amy and Ephram having dinner in a fancy restaurant. Amy has on a super-cute pinstriped blazer, and I would like to have it. Ephram asks Amy if Hannah is now kicked out of the sisterhood for not going in on the Jane plan. Amy is all sour grapes: "I mean, whatever. If she doesn't want to fit in better, it's her problem. I tried. If she wants to be a social zero, it's her life." Ephram agrees, and says that not everyone is cut out to be a social rock star of Amy's caliber. Amy sighs, but appears to be over it. Ephram tells Amy that he has something for her. Amy surprises him by saying she has something, too, for their four-and-a-half month anniversary. Four-and-a-half months! That's, like, a hundred YEARS in high school time. Amy totally rains on Ephram's addendum letter parade by saying that she didn't want to get him something cheesy like a card or a letter. Aw. She presents him with passes to a Comicon in Denver the week. Ephram is pleased, but disappointed. When Amy asks what he got her, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out...a credit card. "Dinner." Poor baby. Amy thanks him and tells her sad, fine man that she loves him. Ephram stammers out, "Love you, too."

Brown/Abbott Office. Treat asks Louise if she's heard from Bill Hoover yet, but before Louise can answer, Brittany's mom busts into Treat's office in a rage. Louise is all, "I tried to stop her. She's very strong!" Heh. Brittany's mom lights into Treat about Delia's bad influence on Brittany: "She came home from your house and wound up snooping around my bed [and] asking about foot massagers -- at dinner, with guests!" Treat says he's so sorry. Brittany's mom tells Treat that nothing ruins the taste of pork loin like public scandal. Too true. Treat says he didn't know anything about this. Brittany's mom says she's neither shocked nor comforted by that. Ooh. Treat says that somebody might be overreacting a little. Brittany's mom says she wants Brittany to remain a child for as long as possible, and she can't let her little girl play with Delia anymore. Treat says that's not a solution. Brittany's mom says that's the only one she can come up with right now, and gives Treat the kiss of death: "Good DAY, Dr. Brown." Hee. Commercials.

Uh-oh. We come back to Treat giving Nina a little piece of his mind outside the diner. Treat is very very mad that Nina caused him all this trouble with Delia and Brittany and Brittany's mom and whatnot. Nina says she is very sorry, but she did tell Treat that if Delia brought it up, he should talk to her about it. "Instead, you said 'cheese...cake.'" Treat: "It was a REFLEX!" Nina asks Treat what he's going to do when Delia starts asking the really big questions. Treat says he'll handle it when the time comes. Nina tells Treat that it's already completely out of his hands -- there's rumors on the school bus, gossip from the older kids, lots of vague questions and half-truths, and Treat doesn't get to set the schedule for any of it to suit his comfort level. Tell him, Neen! Treat completely ignores this, and tells Nina that this whole thing is her fault. He has also fallen off the tiny bit of rocker he had left to hang on to. "This situation I am in right now? This situation...that I am in? Right now? Wouldn't be happening if you didn't have this NEED...to...to..." Nina decides to enjoy the moment. "Didn't have the need to what? Can you not even say the word?" Treat tells her he doesn't need to say the word, and she needs to take her "thing" and lock it up in her car or whatever, but make sure she keeps it away from Delia. Nina: "Are we talking about my foot massager or my sexuality?" Treat: "Oh, here we go, let's just make it all about you." Treat's level of discomfort about Nina's vibrator is really rather disturbing. Was Julia one of those weirdos who didn't masturbate, or what? Nina says that it is, in fact, about her, and she's real sorry if her needs as a woman conflict with his need for a babysitter. Oh. Snap. Nina asks Treat if he knows how long it's been since she's had sex. Treat says he doesn't want to know, and as a matter of fact, he doesn't even like to think of her as a woman when he's trying to talk to her. "In fact, I don't like to think about you like that EVER!" Nina looks like Treat just kicked her in the knee. Treat tries to apologize, saying that didn't come out right, but Nina ain't having it. She tells him she's got to get back to work, and leaves him standing outside, wondering yet again why he can't just keep his fucking mouth shut.

High School. Ephram is telling Hannah about his lack of love-letter giving at dinner the night before, and he comments that he should have just gone with his gut and bought her a car. Heh. Hannah finds Amy , and tells her new best friend that she looked for her at lunch. Amy says she was in the dance room working on pirouettes. Hannah tells Amy that she's been thinking about what Amy said about joining the paper and making her more popular, but she needs Amy to know that it's never going to happen. Amy tells Hannah that she keeps saying she's never had any friends, but Amy has been trying harder than ever before to be just that. She says she hasn't had to make friends since kindergarten, so she's probably going about it the wrong way, but Hannah is so shut off it's scary. Hannah says just because she doesn't want the whole world reading her journals doesn't mean she doesn't want friends. Amy says she doesn't care about that: "If you don't want everyone reading your writing, that's fine. I just didn't think I was the same as the whole world." Hannah tells Amy that she's not. Amy reminds Hannah of all the things she's told her about, like Colin and Ephram and everything, and she doesn't even know Hannah's middle name. Now, that is kind of one-sided. Amy says she knows she might be pushing things a little, but she really really likes Hannah and wants to be her friend. However, she says, if Hannah isn't comfortable talking to her, the friendship isn't going to work as a one-sided thing. Hannah insists that she is, too, comfortable talking to Amy, but Amy won't hear it. She tells Hannah it's okay if she doesn't want to be close friends, and they can just be acquaintances. Aw. Hannah looks heartbroken, but it is kind of her fault. Say something, girl!

Treat's Office of Terminal Sadness. Treat asks Ernie why he didn't come to him first about his heart condition. Ernie says he didn't think Treat would be able to keep it a secret from Mrs. Hoover, and he doesn't want her to know -- she has enough to worry about. Treat tells Ernie that he needs a new heart as soon as possible, and needs to get on the list. Ernie says he'll do it...after. Treat tells Ernie that his daughter is going to need a father when his wife is gone, and is going to have kids of her own someday who deserve to get to know their grandfather. Ernie tells Treat that he understands what he's saying. "I know life goes on. But it won't be the same. It won't mean what it meant when she was in it." Sniff. And to prove that I am evil to the core, allow me to quote to you every word that Ernie says after this, because like Berlanti, I enjoy making others cry. Ernie goes on, "We've been through everything together. Damn good team. Raised a fine girl. We've been partners for every bump along the road, every mountain and molehill alike. And I am not going to let that go until forces bigger than me snatch it away. Now. She needs me to help her fight these last few weeks. When that battle's done, then I'll worry about myself, but not one minute before. When she's gone? I'm gonna need a new heart anyway, because this one will be broken into bits." Treat looks like he might cry, too. Ernie stands up. He tells Treat that after his wife is gone, Treat can do whatever he wants with him. Treat stands up, too, and shakes Ernie's hand. He says, "In six weeks, I know some great surgeons." Aw. Ernie leaves. Treat glances down at the photograph on his desk of Julia and his kids. Ugh. Rub it in, why don't you?

Abbott House. Patch gets home and finds Bright on his bed, playing a video game. Patch is livid, because Bright blew off his interview with Ralph Bigelow. Bright doesn't care, because he's just as angry. Patch says he was trying to effect some change in Bright's slippery march down the path of least resistance. Bright tells his dad that what he did was humiliate him. "Calling my manager and changing my schedule? You told me where, when, and why to go meet some guy for a job I didn't even ask for." Patch says Bright hasn't exactly inspired confidence lately. Bright says he likes his job, that it's working out okay. Patch says "working out okay" isn't what Bright should be aiming for, and he doesn't like seeing his son like this when he worked so hard the year before. Bright: "Lot of good that did me." Heh. Patch says he's just trying to help Bright attain what he said he wanted. Bright says he doesn't know what he wants, and there's nothing wrong with working at a restaurant while he tries to figure it out. Patch thinks Bright has become complacent, and he's worried that now he's just going to settle for shilling nachos for tips. Patch tries to leave angrily, but Bright stops his dad. "What the hell is wrong with you, man? Do you think you can scare me into knowing what I want to do with my life? Don't you think that if I had any clue at all, I'd be on a plane right now headed as far away from this house as humanly possible? I wish I knew, believe me, because until then, I am stuck here. With you, which at the moment, is the last place on earth I want to be." Yeah, Patch. You just think on that while we take a commercial break.

When we come back, Scooter finds Treat on the sidewalk outside his office. He's mad because Treat didn't convince Ernie to get on the transplant list. Treat tells Scooter that there are other factors involved. Scooter wants to know what factors could be more important than his own life. He tells Treat that he's going to put him on the list anyway, and get a cardiologist to come talk to Ernie. "It might take some doing, but I'm going to put up a hell of a better fight than you did, that's for sure." Oh, shut up, Scooter. Treat tells Scooter that it's different being a doctor here. Scooter says it's not: people get sick and die in L.A., people get sick and die in Everwood, and they're supposed to try and keep that from happening. He tells Treat that Ernie's life matters to him, and he'll take care of it himself. Treat, opting not to share the wisdom we all know he has, merely bids Scooter good luck. He turns and walks away, resisting the urge to call over his shoulder, "You'll be sorry, Dimples!"

Cut to the high school. Amy, trying to be cool as a cucumber to Hannah, can't hide her enthusiasm when Hannah announces to her and Ephram that she wrote a story to submit to Jane. Oh, Hannah, you caved! I thought you had more in you. Stupid Amy. Stupid Jane. Amy asks what it's about. Hannah says it's about some stuff that's happened in the past week. She blah blahs on about how when she gets her rejection letter, which she knows she will, she hopes Amy will be there for her...with tissues. Amy smiles and says, "Definitely." All better! Amy starts to read, and Ephram steals a secret glance at Hannah all, "I can't believe you did this." Hannah grins back, pleased with her very own self. She leaves Amy and Ephram to read the story on their own. It's about them. Heh. No wonder Hannah was pleased. Amy asks Ephram if he really wrote her a love letter, and if he actually called it an addendum. Ephram says he wanted to give it to her, but it didn't feel special enough, especially after her present. He says that he wanted to be able to tell her that he loved her first. He adds, "You stole my mojo." Amy tells him that he has so much mojo, he doesn't even know. "That's why you're so great, that's why I..." Ephram stops her. "Nope. I love you, Amy. And you don't have to say it back this time. This one's on me." Aw. They kiss. It's cheesy. And AWESOME.

Nina's Porch. Treat shows up with an actual foot massager by way of apology. Nina, who totally shouldn't accept it, does anyway. Treat tells Nina that he's really sorry, but this whole thing with Delia really freaked him out, and he just couldn't bear the idea of going through it alone. ["He says this every time. Learn your lesson already, Treat!" -- Sars] Nina asks Treat if he's missing Julia. Treat says yes, all the time for the daily stuff, but sometimes he forgets that he actually needs her there for the big stuff. He tells Nina that before they met, he had no interest in being a father, but when it came to the kids, it was always the "we" that got him through it. Nina agrees that parenting is kind of a team sport, or at least it should be. Treat says he and Julia used to talk it out whenever there was a crisis, and now he's constantly second-guessing himself. Nina says she never would have signed up for the solo routine, either. Treat says it's hard enough to get everything done without any help, but you add to that the emotional component, and it makes it even harder. Nina says she's convinced that Sam is going to end up needing major psychoanalysis. Well, he will, Nina, but it's because your son is INSANE. Nina tells Treat to give himself more credit, because he's got a couple of really great kids. Treat says all his credit goes to Julia. Treat gets up to leave, then turns and tells Nina that he's sorry for all the stuff he said earlier. Nina says it's fine. Treat says he didn't mean it. "I do see you. And...you look very pretty today." Nina blushes furiously. Something's developing, kids. Let's see what happens week to fuck it all up.