Staking Claim

Fade up on...ick, a bowl of mushy brown cereal. We pull back and see that the owner of the bowl is Delia, who tells her dad that she thinks she's done with school. Treat tells her she can't be done with school -- he went to school for twenty-seven years. Delia: "So? That was your bad decision." Why are kids on TV so rude to their parents? If my child said that to me, I'd kick her into the middle of week. And then kill her. Treat asks Delia what the problem is. Delia complains that everyone's mean to her -- her new best friend hates her old best friend, and now she doesn't know who to talk to, and it's a nightmare. Treat responds, "Want to see a nightmare? Come by my office sometime. Every time I leave Harold and Edna alone I'm afraid I'll come back to a body count." Delia counters, "Britney spit on Willow. Actual spit." Treat tells Delia she wins, but still has to go to school. Nice way to handle your pre-adolescent little girl's social problems, Treat. Somebody needs to pick up a copy of Queen Bees and Wannabes, stat.

Ephram wanders in and asks his dad if Hannah has arrived yet. Treat says no, and Ephram says he told Hannah to be there early if she wanted a ride to school. Treat reminds his very lazy son that it's only thirty-six steps to Nina's house, and he can just go get her. Ephram reminds us all that any extra time he has this year is going to Amy, and walking the thirty-six steps to Nina's house would totally cut into that time. Whatever, dude. Ephram starts being a total jerk about Hannah, claiming that he's taking her to school and then the favor is done. "I can't help her more than that. She's beyond help." The same thing might have been said about you a couple years ago, son. Treat tells Ephram that Nina isn't expecting him to give Hannah a makeover, just to be her friend. He advises Ephram to just be nice to Hannah, and the other kids will -- that's how it works in high school. Indeed. Treat adds, "Or have you forgotten what it's like to be lonely?" Now, why couldn't you show that kind of compassion to your daughter, Treat-O? Ephram says there's nothing like a dose of early-morning guilt to get your day started right, and heads out. ["And what is your hair getting an early-morning dose of? Shut it, butt-cut." -- Sars]

Hannah is waiting for Ephram on the front steps. Ephram states the obvious: "You're here." Hannah reminds Ephram that he told her to come by. Ephram tells her that she didn't have to wait on the steps, but Hannah says she didn't mind. I would like to tell you all that Hannah is far from beyond help. She needs a new hair person and some updated glasses and a little shot of self-confidence, but other than that, she's really very pretty. I love her freckles. Hannah pulls on a very hideous purple beret. Ephram is all, "What is THAT?" Hannah misunderstands: "What, did I spill on myself?" Ephram tries to gently point out that her hat is totally ugly. Hannah still doesn't really get it, and explains that it was a gift from her dad. Ephram backpedals, "Oh. Huh. It's cool." Heh. They get in the car. Credits.

We come back to the Brown/Abbott Office of Maternal Unrest. Louise thanks some cute guy for hauling off a bunch of boxes. Edna arrives and demands to know where Cute Guy is taking her files. Cute Guy says he's taking them to a storage facility. Edna tells him that he most certainly isn't. Cute Guy says he's just loading them onto the truck. Edna: "You do and you'll walk funny for days. Get back here!" Patch pops up from behind a desk and crows, "Oh, hush now, Mother! Continue, gentlemen, don't listen to her." Lord, Patch. Edna wants to know what the hell is going on. Patch tells his mother that he's dragging her into the twenty-first century whether she likes it or not, and the computer he's busily setting up at her desk is going to help her do it. Edna, furious now, tells Patch that she doesn't want no damn computer, and has a system that has worked perfectly fine for over thirty years. Patch is having none of it. He tells her that after she "masters the database," if she still wants her files back then, she can have them. Edna is not comforted by this, and -- as Patch tells her to please sit down for a quick computer lesson -- storms out. Go, Feisty Nurse, go! Patch calls after her, "You're going to miss my tutorial on monthly expense graphing, and then who'll be sorry?" Hee.

Edna marches right into Treat's office, where she accidentally interrupts Treat's examination of a young boy. Edna apologizes to the mother of this boy, and Treat introduces the kid as "David Beck, Seattle refugee and lousy mountain biker." David has, it seems, hurt his shoulder by falling off his bike. Which, as we all know, is totally not what's going on. Treat asks Edna to take little David and help him into a sling. David's mom, the extremely attractive and all-around fabulous Elizabeth Mitchell, tells Treat that she wishes she could take the bike and run over it with her car. I feel that way about several of my daughter's things. Damn you, Polly Pocket, and your millions of tiny little rubbery pieces! Damn you to hell! Treat commiserates, "You know, when my son was young, he tried to ride a tea tray down the steps of our apartment building. Twenty stitches." Aw, silly Ephram. Elizabeth says she told David he could do anything he wanted, if he would just give up the bike. David hears this and rolls his eyes. He's all, "I know how to ride it, Mom. GOD." Elizabeth shoots back, "Clearly." Heh. She turns back to Treat and asks if he's really okay. Treat says he should be fine in a couple of weeks, if the X-rays come back all right. Oh my gosh, I think the Foreshadowing Fairy is here!

Cut to the school, where Ephram is walking with Hannah. He asks how her classes are going. Hannah says they're okay. He asks if she has any teachers she likes or doesn't like. Hannah says she likes some of them, waits a beat, and continues, "Some of them I don't like." Is it possible to die of boring? Because if so, our little Hannah might be terminal. Ephram's like, "All righty then. Later, fruitcake." Hannah stops him and says she has something for him as a thank-you for being so nice. Amy bounces over, all...bouncy, just then, and Hannah explains that she's just given Ephram a DVD of House of Flying Daggers. She says she knew he was into the whole manga thing, and the movie is supposed to be better than Crouching Tiger, even. Ephram, clearly impressed, thanks her, and she heads off to class. Amy remarks, "Wow. Hit on the first try, and you're a really hard person to shop for." Please note here that Amy does not sound jealous or threatened in the least. Ephram agrees, and says Hannah is a little off the mark on just about everything, but that he was too when he first got to Everwood -- and it's scary to think how much they have in common. Amy: "Don't think about it. You might revert back to your past, and then all the work I did over the past two years? Down the tubes." Aw.

Meanwhile, back at the Brown/Abbott Medical Love Nest, Treat has asked Patch to take a look at David's X-ray. Patch says everything looks good, but Treat pushes, "See anything else?" Patch: "I see you interrupting my Cobb salad with a question you clearly know the answer to." Heh. Patch looks again, and points out some healed fractures in David's arm. Treat thinks there are way too many for such a young boy. Uh-oh. Little David is getting the shit beat out of him. Patch, in between complaining about the dearth of bacon in his salad, advises Treat to call the County Department of Welfare. Treat doesn't want to do that just yet, as the CDW would totally ruin Elizabeth's life if they're wrong. He, of course, finds it in Elizabeth's best interest to drive out to her house and investigate the matter himself. Patch tells him it's his gas. Before he leaves, Treat reaches into Patch's salad and steals some of his bacon. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Lunchtime at County High. One of Amy's little "friends" is telling Ephram that she would actually kill somebody to be able to go to college in New York. Ephram says he doesn't think that's an admission requirement anymore. Amy's friend laughs a little too hard at this. Ephram says he's got to get to the library. Hannah -- hey, Hannah, didn't see you over there, what with you being INVISIBLE and whatnot! -- says she should probably go to the library, too, and follows Ephram. Also, Amy's bitchy little friend totally gets a good look at Ephram's ass as he goes. Can't say I blame her, but still. Same bitchy friend asks Amy, "So, who's the beret?" Nice. Amy explains that she's Ephram's neighbor's friend's daughter. Bitchy asks Amy how long Hannah is going to be there, because she is totally eyeing her man. Amy's like, "No. No way." Bitchy insists, and says, "Hello? Did you not just see her follow him out of here like a baby duckling? What do you call that?" It's called "imprinting," you little wench, and also, shut up. Amy tells Bitchy that she's way off. Bitchy says it's clear that Ephram doesn't like Hannah...yet. She continues, "That's the thing -- you never know when the shift can happen. Like you guys. You were friends first, too." Oy. I hate high school girls. Amy contends that it's not the same, and Hannah is just trying to make friends. Bitchy: "Looks like she's already got one." Ooh, burn. Not. And, commercials.

When we come back, Treat and Edna are having a business lunch at Mama Joy's. Edna tells Treat that they have big problems, and his name is Patch. Treat says he doesn't want to get caught in the middle of all this. Edna says she didn't want to have her office ransacked, either. She leans in and says disbelievingly, "Do you know that he wants to start an inventory oversight system to cut back on the 'misuse' of cotton?" Heh. That's our boy. Treat assures Edna that it's going to be fine, and Patch will settle down soon enough. Edna isn't buying it. "I didn't sign up for this. He's my son, and I love him, but I'll kill him if I have to." Spoken like a mother.

Just then, Scott "OH MY GOD THE DIMPLES" Wolf, who shall henceforth be known as Scooter "OH MY GOD THE DIMPLES" Dimpleman, catches Treat's eye. "Hey, is that the new guy?" Edna launches into her item on the agenda, which is that Patch needs to shut up about New Guy. Treat stands up and calls, "Dr. Hartman?" Scootie-patootie (hee!) gives us some dimple, and bounds over to introduce himself to Treat. Edna rolls her eyes. Scooter tells Treat that he recognizes him from the cover of Time, and is, like, totally honored to meet him. Scooter says he tried to stop by Treat's office the other day, but "your pal Hal" practically whipped out a can of Mace on him. Heh. Treat tells Scooter that Patch doesn't deal well with new people, or any people, for that matter. Just then, Nina walks up with Scooter's to-go order, and he thanks her, then adds, "Wow, Nina. You look great today." Nina snarks that it must be that shower she skipped. Aw. She starts to say something to Treat, and Scooter interrupts, "You know ANDY?" Nina explains that yes, they're neighbors. Scooter says he loves this town; you've got a pretty waitress and world-famous brain surgeon all within a five-mile radius. Nina teases Treat, "Aw, he still thinks you're famous." Heh. Treat grins. Scooter starts telling Nina a bunch of blah blah about how great a doctor Treat is when Edna cuts in, "Hey, Tom Cruise, could you kiss his ass another time? We're having a meeting, here." Love. Treat introduces Scooter to Edna, and asks him if that's his bike outside. Scooter tells Treat that it certainly is, and would he like to take a look at it? Treat would. Edna, who you'd think would also be interested, is like, "Excuse me? We are having a meeting." Treat brushes Edna off, telling her he's sure everything is going to work out. Edna sighs in exasperation. Bad move, Treat. Bad move, indeed.

Cut to the high school. Hannah is fighting with her locker when Amy shows up and offers to help. Hannah, embarrassed, rattles off her combination, and Amy opens the locker in about two seconds. She asks Hannah where she's headed, and offers to walk with her. Hannah uncomfortably agrees. Hannah needs some social skills ASAP. As they walk, Amy asks Hannah how everything's going, and she knows it's hard to get used to a new school, but everyone is pretty friendly. Hannah says, "Ephram's nice." Amy, who has totally let her friends get to her, advises Hannah, "You know what you need?" Hannah: "Please don't say a breath mint." Hee. Amy says no, what Hannah needs is a proper crush, someone to make her excited about going to school every day. And, she adds, to give her a reason to dress cute. Hannah gets all, "You're talking about the beret, aren't you? Ephram tried to tell me it was bad." Amy assures Hannah that her awful beret is really cute, and Ephram doesn't know what he's talking about. Now, I can't tell if Amy is being excessively mean here or if she really does like the beret, but I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt. Amy tells her that they're going to find Hannah someone who gets her, and her beret. Hannah tells Amy that she doesn't really "do" boyfriends. "I mean...have them," she corrects herself. Amy says it doesn't have to be a boyfriend, just a crush, or a date. Hannah admits that she's never been on a date. Amy gets all excited. "This is perfect! I will find the perfect guy, set everything up, and all you have to do is bring your favorite lipstick." Hannah opens her mouth to speak, but Amy's already got it under control: "I'll lend you one." As much as it kills me that Amy's just doing this to help herself, it still seems kind of sweet. Shut up.

Over in MEOWville, Treat knocks on Elizabeth's door. When she answers it, he tells her that he comes bearing kid-size painkillers. Elizabeth: "Wow. You have any adult-size ones?" Yes, Treat, do you? If so, please send them now. Elizabeth says she's just kidding, and invites Treat in. She apologizes for the mess, and tells him he really didn't have to drive all the way out there. Treat lies that he didn't mind, and to be (dis)honest, Elizabeth seemed kind of stressed out anyway, so he wanted to check on them. Elizabeth says she is totally stressed, which is a side effect of having two jobs and a sitter who's always late. Treat asks how David's doing. Elizabeth says he seems fine, and isn't complaining. She then asks Treat if everything was okay in the X-ray. Treat says there were a few old injuries that concerned him. Elizabeth says she never should have bought him that skateboard, either. Treat asks if David falls a lot. Elizabeth, suspicious by now, says, "Are you trying to ask me something, Doctor? Because if you think I hit my kid, just say so." Treat says he only wanted to talk, and see if there was any cause for concern. Elizabeth, who would really like to invite Treat to jump straight up her ass, instead invites him to take a look around. "All you'll find is a house I'm too busy to clean, food on the table, and whatever clothes and toys David wants in his closet." Treat apologizes, saying he didn't mean to offend her. Elizabeth buries her face in her hands and says if she weren't so damn tired, she would probably thank him for caring enough to ask. How'd you get so pretty, Elizabeth Mitchell? Elizabeth responds to a commotion in the other room, and Treat follows. A little kid named "Michael" is repeatedly pushing the fool out of David. Elizabeth restrains Michael, who continues to flail around and moan a lot. Autistic or retarded? Let's find out. David tells his mom that Michael heard Treat in the other room and freaked out. He tells Treat, "He just gets scared. That's all." Autistic it is, then. Elizabeth, still trying to calm her writhing son, instructs Treat, "You need to say 'hello.' Just say, 'Hello, Michael. My name is Dr. Brown, and I'm new.'" Oh, that breaks my heart a little bit. Treat cheerfully follows Elizabeth's instructions. Michael calms down considerably. Elizabeth tells Treat that Michael isn't good with strangers, but he's getting better. From what I've just witnessed, I'm going to have to beg to diffah, Lizzie.

Cut to Ephram's studio, where he's practicing piano and Amy is studying on the couch. When he stops playing, Amy jokes, "You know, you practice so often, you'd think you wouldn't suck so bad." Ephram shoots back, "You study so much, you'd think guys don't care if chicks are smart." Amy goes to hit him, but Ephram waxes on, and tells her, "What did we say about hitting?" Oh, so cute, these two. Amy asks Ephram what he thinks about "Brian Cummings." Ephram says he really isn't into threesomes. Amy says she's thinking about setting Hannah up with this Brian Cummings. Ephram thinks this is a disaster waiting to happen. Amy thinks it would be fun to go on a double date, and if Ephram has to be friends with Hannah, she does too. Ephram says there's no need for all that, and she certainly doesn't have to be friends with Hannah. Amy: "Do you not want me to be friends with Hannah?" Ephram says it isn't that, it's just that she and Hannah have nothing in common. Amy begs to differ her own self. Ephram explains that he and Hannah have a super-special bond, which Amy wouldn't understand, because she hasn't been through the same kind of very special stuff that he and Hannah have. Dear Ephram: Please cram it sideways with cherries on top. Love, AB. Amy's all, "Okay, there, Insightful Boy, you're right. Because I clearly haven't ever felt lost or alone or sad in my entire life." Ephram says that's not what he meant. Amy: "Whatever, go play your piano. I'll find a 'special' enough guy for Hannah, don't worry." Ephram gives Amy a look, but does as he's told. Good boy.

Brown/Abbott Office of Meddling Doctors. Treat's on the phone with a neuropharmacologist in Seattle, seeing about Michael's condition. Edna comes in with a fax, which Treat says he can't read. He brusquely orders Edna to have them send it again. Edna says it's their new fax machine's fault. Treat commands, "So fix it." Ooh. Edna sets her teeth. "YOU fix it. I wasn't hired for this crap. I don't fix faxes, I don't do computers, and I don't do windows." Treat, still on the phone, tells Edna he doesn't have time for this. He then says into the phone, "You want me to spell 'Brown'?" Heh. Edna continues to berate Treat: "No, you don't want to take sides. You're Switzerland, or France, or whatever country doesn't have the balls to get their hands dirty." Treat loses it, and tells Edna to grow up and try to solve her own problems, because he doesn't have time to listen to her whine about Patch. Oh, man. Treat, you are going to be SO DAMN SORRY. He finishes, "If you're not happy, do something about it!" Edna says, "You're right. I quit." She turns on her heel and hauls ass out of there. Treat can't believe what just happened. Told you, Doctor Retard. Commercials.

We come back to the morning, and Treat and Patch trying to figure out what the hell just happened with Edna. Treat says she's clearly not coming in, and they need to go over to her house and apologize. Patch says he's not apologizing for anything. Treat says they clearly got under Edna's skin. Patch claims that his mother's skin is tougher than a Bradley Fighting Vehicle. Louise, listening amusedly to this exchange, grins to herself. Treat says it was kind of their fault, actually, by ambushing Edna with all the new office stuff and not being particularly open to her feelings. Patch ain't budging. Treat says he's going to talk to her, anyway. Patch says all they have to do is wait a few days, and Edna will come back begging, because if there's one thing he knows about his mother, it's that she needs to work. Louise pipes up, "Edna has a job." Treat and Patch are like, "Wha?"

Cut to two bumbling freakshows in doctor's smocks marching across the street. Treat tells Patch to let him do the talking. Patch moves that they go straight past talking right into physical violence. Treat: "She'd beat the crap out of both of us and you know it." Hee. Indeed. Patch and Treat bust into our very favorite Scooter's office, which is very fabulous and modern and features TVs and abstract art and at least one lava lamp. Patch sneers, "It's like he's mounted a flat-screen on my father's grave." Edna appears from behind the counter, and says, "You boys have an appointment? Two prostate exams, comin' right up." Ha! Patch tells Edna that this is a new low, even for her. Treat is like, "Patch. Please." He tells Edna that he knows she is angry, and he's very sorry about everything, and so is Patch. Patch can't resist another little jab: "I see you're using HIS computer." Edna says Scooter asked. Patch: "Oh, very nice, Norma Rae." Heh. Treat reiterates to Edna how sorry they are, and how much they want her to come back. Edna won't budge. Scooter walks up, and merrily greets the Doctors Grim. Patch calls him a loathsome, reptilian nurse-stealer. Scooter says he didn't steal anyone; Edna came to him for a job: "She rode up on her motorcycle, handed me her rsum, and saluted. How do you turn that down?" Treat turns to Edna, broken-hearted. "You didn't." Edna hangs her head in shame. Scooter says he had no idea, and wasn't trying to cause any trouble. Patch tells him to sell it to someone who buys his "Botox baloney." Patch tells Treat they need to get out of there. Treat asks Edna if this is really what she wants. Edna says it is. Aw. Treat turns to go, and Scooter says with great exuberance, "Hey, Andy! I'm done at six. What say we hike up Burton's Peak and catch the sunset?" Treat: "Oh, hike it up your ass." Awesome.

Abbott House, I think. It's hard to tell whose room this is, but we're just going to pretend it's Amy's. Hannah is there, and Amy is helping her get all made up for their big double date. Ephram asks when this "Mr. Wonderful" is going to be there, when we hear Bright yelling from the hall, "Y'all ready to get this party started? Where's my little underage hottie?" He makes it to the doorway just as Hannah stands up to say hi. She is clearly already in love. The look on Bright's face is priceless as he says hi back. He then gives his sister a "You said HOTTIE, you lying biatch!" look. Amy's like, "Great, time to go!" Bright stammers that he'll go right down and get the car started. Hannah enthuses, "Cool beans!" And now, the look on the other Abbott's face is priceless. Hannah freaks out after Bright leaves, saying how gorgeous he is, and she can't believe he wanted to go out with her. Amy lies that he saw Hannah at a party the other night, and wanted to meet her and said she was hot. Oh, this is not going to end well. Hannah says she's going to be going to the bathroom all night, because she has to pee a lot when she gets nervous. Heh. She leaves for the car, stopping on the way for a bathroom break. We hope. Ephram, who has been watching all of this with great interest, gives Amy the stink-eye and confronts her. "Bright said Hannah was hot?" Amy's all, "Not exactly. He asked her name. But that's a start, right?" Ephram can't believe Amy couldn't find anyone in the school to set Hannah up with. Amy says it will be fine, and maybe they'll even have a spark. Ephram: "Yeah, if Bright tries to burn down the theater in an attempted escape." He reluctantly walks her out.

Uh-oh. Brown/Abbott Office of Abused Little Boys. David has apparently sustained another "bike-related" injury. Treat examines David, and tells him that you can usually tell the angle of an injury by the shape of a bruise. David's like, "Uh, okay." Treat goes on to interrogate David: "You sure you fell sideways? Because it would make much more sense if, say, you'd hit a tree, then rolled." David agrees that yeah, that's the ticket, that's exactly what happened. Elizabeth stands by with a look of concern. Treat presses further. Elizabeth tells Treat that that's enough, and they're going. Treat says he doesn't think David fell off his bike at all -- he thinks David's brother Michael did this to him. Elizabeth is like, "What?" David says it's not true. Treat tells them that it's okay if it is, because he knows Michael didn't mean to do it. David says Treat doesn't even know Michael. Treat: "Then please tell me what happened." David hesitates. Elizabeth looks at her son and says, "David?" David comes clean, but maintains that it was his fault -- he gave Michael the wrong toy and he got upset. Elizabeth can't believe Michael could hit him that hard. David, who is precious, and who is killing me with his brotherly protection, says again that it's his fault; he and Michael were just playing, and he didn't know he was hitting too hard. He pleads with his mom for them to just go, that it doesn't make any difference how he hurt himself, he's fine. Treat steps in and asks David to wait outside.