We fade up on a tree-lined street. Ephram is taking his driving test, and he is sucking mightily. The grouchy old lady testing him, straight outta Central Casting, tells him he missed the turn. He also ran a stop sign and forgot to yield. How did he suddenly get retarded? He's all nervous and whatnot. Irv tells us, "It's been said that seeing is believing, but the fact is, we all have our blind spots." Get it? Blind spots? Driving? Oh, those clever writers! Ephram nearly wrecks as he turns in front of someone. Speaking of which, I rear-ended someone this week. I was looking for some paper to write a love letter to Ephram. See how much I love him? And yet, he doesn't call. Irv continues, "Sometimes we recognize them ourselves; sometimes, others recognize them for us." Ephram makes an illegal U-turn, and the test lady rolls her eyes.
Cut to Treat and Patch, who are waiting for their respective children to finish their driver's tests. Treat is drinking coffee, and Patch tells him that perhaps he should use a straw to reduce the "slurping extravaganza." Hee. Treat says it's actually chai tea, because Rinda told him it was better for you than coffee. Shut up, Rinda. I don't care if coffee gives you the ass cancer, no way I'd be giving up my morning caffeine. Or afternoon, or evening, caffeine. Patch says that Rinda says a lot of things, but it doesn't mean they have to listen. Treat calls her a "pistol." I bet has a pistol he'd like to give her, if you know what I'm saying. Treat starts asking Patch about when he and Rinda were kids. He asks if she had a lot of boyfriends. Ooh! Patch gives Treat an "oh shit he wants to fuck her" look, then completely changes the subject. He wonders how Amy's doing on her driver's test.
Amy is, in fact, doing just fine. She asks if she failed, and the tester says that she's technically one point below the line, but she looks like a nice kid. He passes her. Amy gets all excited, and smiles for the first time this season. Meanwhile, Ephram isn't faring so well. He couldn't parallel park for the third try in a row, and the mean lady fails him. Aw. Sad Ephram. He's about six feet away from the curb. Irv says, "Distance has a way of distorting the things we see. But what appears as an obstacle may in fact be an opportunity. The trick is having enough faith to carry through." Credits.
Breakfast at the Abbott House. Bright reads aloud to his dad about some guy who got a DUI for driving a lawnmower drunk. Sounds about like my town. Amy says she's going to school. Patch asks her how she thinks she's getting there, since Bright isn't ready. Amy says she'll walk. Daddy has a surprise for Amy, though! What do you think it is? Patch says, "You did pass your driver's test yesterday. Maybe you should take the car!" Bright's all, "You're letting her borrow the car?" Patch says no, she can drive her own BRAND NEW KIA SORRENTO! It has anti-lock brakes, front and side airbags, and great crash test ratings! Thanks, product placement guys! Bright is all snarky about it, but Rose tells him not to ruin Amy's moment. Bright says, "She gets everything. If I say I want to go on drugs, do I get a new truck?" Heh. I want to go on drugs. Amy's all happy, and Patch tells her that they couldn't pass up such a momentous occasion as her sixteenth birthday without a little surprise. "We may be having problems at the moment, but we still love you, Amy." Aw. Amy hugs her dad and thanks him.
Treat's office. He's looking at some pictures. Who's the patient? Why, it's our old friend the Rev. He ain't looking so hot. In fact, he ain't looking at much at all, because he's nearly lost all of his vision. The nice-looking lady with him is his fiancée, and they're telling Treat how Rev proposed. Pier at sunset. Treat teases him, "Isn't that how you proposed to your second wife?" Rev says that was his third. Rev's fiancée remarks, "You guys must have killed on the singles scene." She seems very sweet, and is not annoying me in any way. One can only hope it lasts. Rev asks Treat if he would officiate their wedding. Treat says he doesn't know, but Rev assures him that it's easy. Treat says he can't promise any extraordinary insights, but his rates are cheap. He'll do it. They tell Treat that the wedding is the weekend after Christmas, which seems fast, but they want to get married while Rev can still see the lady he's going to marry. Aw. Treat checks out the Rev's eyes. It doesn't look good. Heh. So many tasteless sight puns, so little time. Treat tells Rev that he probably won't make it to Christmas, and he might not even make it to week. Treat says there are still things Rev can do, and Rev interrupts him by saying, "True. Like finish my sermon for the Hope Service." He tells Treat that he better be there, because last year's winner always buys lunch. Fiancée thanks Treat, and they leave.
High school. New BFFs Bright and Ephram are getting ready to leave school. Bright tells Ephram he better pass the driving test soon, because "I can't keep hauling you and your Schwinn around." Hee. Ephram thanks him and says not enough people had pointed out his failure to him that day. He finishes sarcastically, "Dawg." Ephram spots Amy and Laynie, getting into Amy's new KIA SORRENTO! Bright tells Ephram he can't believe it, because all he got for his sixteenth birthday was an autographed football. Poor Bright. Ephram walks over and congratulates Amy on her KIA SORRENTO! Amy actually says "Kia Sorrento," no lie. Who does that? "No, Sars, it's cool, I'll drive us. We can take my HONDA ACCORD. My HONDA ACCORD gets really good gas mileage, and you can feel safe with me in my HONDA ACCORD, because my HONDA ACCORD has front and side airbags!" Also, didn't we just do this last week with the antidepressant I refuse to name again? Yes. Yes, we did. Amy asks Ephram if he wants to drive it. Ephram says he'd rather not get arrested. Laynie's all, "We heard. Bummer." Except totally insincerely. Bright drives over to pick him up anyway, so Ephram congratulates Amy again and leaves. Amy gets a good long look at Ephram's ass as he walks away.
Patch's office. He yells for Louise to do something for him, and Rinda says she let Louise go early for a hair appointment. Patch gets all aggravated about it, and tells Rinda that employees are like children: you have to set limits. Rinda ignores him and asks if he wants to go see a movie with her. Patch says it's Wednesday night, and Rose would be upset if he missed her weekly pot roast. Rinda says she'll just see if Treat wants to go. Patch nearly chokes on his tongue and says, "Dr. Brown? Why would you ask him?" He says she's spent more time with orangutans in the rainforest than she has Treat. Rinda, who looks really sort of cute this week, says orangutans never pay for their own popcorn. Patch tries to suggest some other "eligible bachelors" for Rinda to have as a movie or dinner partner, and he could introduce her! Rinda says the last time he tried to set her up, it was a disaster. Patch: "Had you listened to me, you could now be married to the most prominent tax attorney in Albuquerque." Rinda: "Oh, too bad. I really missed out." Patch says if she's serious about dating, she needs a plan of attack. Rinda says she never said she was interested in dating, and she can find her own dates if she wants to, that it's not a work project -- it just happens. Patch launches into this long thing about how dating is a very formalized process, and it's complex, like neurosurgery. He catches himself, "No, not neurosurgery. Any fool can perform neurosurgery." Hee. Patch goes on and on; meanwhile, Rinda makes her escape.
Church. Bad singing. Rev makes his way up the aisle, and starts his Hope Sermon. He has a different plan for this year, though. He tells the congregation about Treat's bad news, and says that now they are going to test their faith by praying for the Rev's sight. He says that they're moving their wedding date to the weekend, and all the congregation has to do is pray hard enough, and he'll be able to see his bride on his wedding day. Treat looks shocked as hell, and he should. This is a dirty trick Rev is playing on his people, and also it's selfish, and ALSO we all know this "miracle" ain't going to happen. Commercial.
Brown House. Madison Poppins and Delia are making Shrinky-Dinks. Madison asks Ephram if he's up for a little "Shrinky-Dinky." I hate her. Ephram says he'll pass. Delia tells him that she's making him a keychain for his car keys, "in case you ever need it." Heh. Ephram says he doesn't know why they call it a driving test, because all they really care about is parking. Madison "Expert At Everything" Poppins offers to help Ephram with his parking skills. She says parallel parking is her specialty. Along with getting on my nerves and being a giant tool. Ephram says he's genetically programmed to be a crappy driver since he's from New York. Delia tells Ephram that he should try it, because Madison helped her with long division, and it really worked. Ephram says he'll try it. Damn you, Brown! First Delia falls under Madison's evil spell, and now you? I'm so disappointed.
Diner. Some kind of fund-raiser. Treat walks in, and some lady asks him if she can put him down for the "6:30 slot." Treat says he would, but it's College Night on Jeopardy. A totally legitimate excuse, if you ask me. Alex Trebek is kind of hot. Shut up. Treat asks Nina if she can believe what's happening. Nina says they can't keep up with the meatloaf orders. What exactly is going on here? They're raising money for the Rev's…what, new eye transplant? Are they going to send God a meatloaf? I seriously don't get it. Treat says that the Rev is setting up all these people for a huge letdown, and it's not fair to them. Nina says, "You can't believe a reverend would ask his people to pray?" Treat says it's one thing to pray for yourself and be let down, but to drag everybody else with you is a bad thing. Nina says they're just all hoping for a miracle, and it's kind of like winning in Vegas: long odds, but you have to try. Wrong answer, Nina, but thanks for playing. Also, that's about the most ridiculous analogy ever. If praying for a miracle is like winning in Vegas, is God the slot machine? Rev walks over and asks Treat, "Isn't this great?" He says he's never felt the town so energized. Treat takes Rev outside to rain on his parade a little bit. He tells Rev that the only thing that's going to help him see for the wedding is a new laser treatment, and he's set up an appointment for him. Rev says he doesn't have time to go to Denver for a treatment, because he's getting married on Saturday. Treat says it's probably his only hope. Rev says he's not interested, because all the praying is going to totally work. Treat says Rev has to trust him. We've heard that before. He asks Rev if he's just going to give up. Rev says, "On the contrary. I'm just starting to fight." Oh, for fuck's sake.
Strummy music plays as we cut to Ephram's driving lesson. Delia stands on the curb and yells orders. "A little lefter!" Heh. Ephram continues to suck at parallel parking. He gets all frustrated. Madison "Pollygoddamnedanna" Poppins tells him some stupid story about how she was scared to jump off this cliff into the water when she was little. She says she finally did it, and her dad bought her a CD player, and the point is that she was thinking too much, and if Ephram would just quit thinking and do it, he could totally parallel park. I could not possibly hate this girl more. ["You know who she reminds me of -- Gretchen Witter on Dawson's Creek, whose whole culture-sensei routine bugged the crap out of me. She was less annoying than Poppins, though. Shut up, Mr. Madisonyagi." -- Sars] Ephram thinks her story was stupid, too, and says, "Good share." Madison tells Ephram, before he tries again, to say, "I own that bitch." Ephram says it. He grinds the gears and runs over the curb. Hee.
Abbott House. Rinda arrives for dinner, and Patch escorts her into the dining room, where about ten "eligible bachelors" are seated at the table. Hee hee! They're all pretty dorky-looking, and Rinda can't believe her brother did this. Patch introduces them all to her with glowing reviews. Rinda tries to act polite, but on the inside she's thinking about all the ways she's going to kick her brother's ass. Rose gives Rinda an apologetic look. One of the guys stands up to meet Rinda and gives her a dry cleaning coupon to his laundry. Oh, man, Patch is in big trouble.
Elsewhere in the Abbott house, Bright is trying to convince Amy to let him use her new car to take his friends out. He says his truck doesn't have enough room. Amy says she already has plans with Laynie. But then, uh-oh! Laynie calls and bails on Amy because she scored a date with on of their Everwood Community College frat guys. Amy is disappointed, but she has Bright there to make fun of her. "Maybe you can hang out in your new car in the driveway, with all your friends."
Andy "Can't Take No For An Answer" Brown, at the Rev's house. He's trying to convince the fiancée (what IS her name, anyway?) to convince Rev to have the procedure. He tells her it's pretty much the only way. Fiancée says that it feels wrong to want this, like she doesn't love him for who he is. Aw. Treat says, "No one respects his faith more than I do, but isn't it possible that God is answering your prayers with this procedure?" Nice one, Treat. I think God would rather have a meatloaf than be used as a pawn in your argument. The Rev walks in on Treat and the fiancée, and tells his woman that he is so sorry he didn't think of what she wanted. He says if she wants him to have the procedure, of course he'll do it. She's happy. They hug. Treat grins.
Brown House. Amy rings the doorbell, and Madison answers. Madison stands there like she's not going to invite Amy in, because she's rude and has no manners. Ephram appears and asks Amy what's going on, and invites her in. Amy says, "Actually, I wanted to see if you wanted to come out." Ephram says yes, of course. Madison tries to make a curfew joke, which I will spare you, because of HATE.
Cut to Patch Abbott, who is trying to make Rinda and the bachelors play a little after-dinner game of something I'm unfamiliar with. "Guess the Celebrity?" ["I think it's just called 'Celebrity.'" -- Sars] I don't know. Anyway, someone has put Treat's name in, and Patch looks at it and bellows, "Andrew Brown is NOT a celebrity!" Someone points out that he's been in Time Magazine. Patch can't take it. He kicks everyone out. Hee.
Amy and Ephram at an ice cream place. They're doing a magazine quiz, and Amy deems Ephram "a strong individual with self-esteem and a healthy body image. You have ovaries and then some." Ephram says, "My dad will be so proud." Ephram gives her a bag of "car-warming" presents, including TV's Greatest Theme Songs and fuzzy dice. He's my boyfriend. Amy thanks him, and says she's sorry about his driving test. Ephram's all, "You mean my crushing failure?" Amy says she loves how Ephram makes everything funny, even bad things. Amy says she wishes she could do that. Ephram tells her that she will. Amy isn't sure. She tells Ephram that she's really missed hanging out with him. Ephram says he has, too. They have a sweet little moment, and then Amy ruins everything. Her phone rings, and she tells Ephram it's probably just Laynie, feeling guilty about blowing her off. Ephram gets super-pissed, and tells her he doesn't want to be her second damn choice anymore. Amy says she would never think of him like that. Ephram says she might not think of it, but it's true, and it makes it even worse. "It's like you don't even realize how much that hurts somebody. How much that hurts me." Wah! He tells her, "I can't keep being your second choice. Not when you're my first." Damn. Hooknose. Commercial.
Back at the Abbott House, Bright and Amy have a little talk on the stairs. Bright tells Amy that she totally needs to go out with Ephram. He tells her that Ephram is madly in love with her, and he's not going to wait around for her forever. Amy says if Colin were still here…Bright interrupts her, "He's not." Yay! Finally somebody sets this girl straight. Bright says that if that's the only reason she's putting Ephram off, she needs to quit, and she has everyone's permission. Amy says she's not ready for all the boyfriend stuff, and with Ephram there would be no in between. Bright says maybe, but she could do a lot worse. He says people give him crap for hanging out with Ephram all the time, but he's just so funny. He tells a story about how Ephram was driving a standard for the first time, and got stuck on a hill. And I have to quote Bright on this, because it's so damn funny: "And I said, 'What gear were you in?' And he says, 'My jeans and my t-shirt.'" Amy laughs, and Bright goes, "Yeah. I didn't even get it at first." Hee! Bright also makes thousands of HoYay fans happy when he says, "Damn, maybe I should ask him out." Bright says guys have pride, and Ephram will move on one day. Amy asks her brother what she should do. Bright tell her she doesn't have to do much, but maybe she should show up at Ephram's driver's test to be all supportive. He says that she may not feel the same way about Ephram that she did about Colin, but she has to feel something, or she wouldn't be asking for advice. Aw, such good brothers on this show!
Cut to Patch, looking up Rinda's bachelors on the internet. He makes fun of one of their Friendster profiles. Friendster! Patch explains to Rose what it is, and can't believe he tried to set his sister up with frauds. Patch says he couldn't take it if Rinda got together with Treat, and to imagine their kids. "'Uncle Harry, could I go to the rap concert with Ephram? We're, like, hitchhiking.'" Heh. Rose tells Patch that the more he tries to keep Rinda away from Treat, the more she's going to want to go out with him. "Besides," Rose concludes, "what if I'd listened to my family?" Patch is all, "What do you mean by that?" Poor Patch.
Ephram's driving test. Madison's there with him. Ugh. The grouchy old lady calls Ephram's name, "Eeee-fraaam Brown!" Ephram tells Madison to wish him luck on his second round with "Nurse Ratchet." It's "Ratched," is it not? That has always bugged me. ["Yes, it is, and me too, and I swear I'll stop interrupting now." -- Sars] Madison tells him to "own that bitch." Once again, shut up, Madison.
Treat's office. He asks the Rev if he's ready to remove the eye bandage. Rev is. Treat takes it off, and…oops! Rev can't see nothin'. Why does Treat always have to be messing up? Sad Piano of Treat's Continued Failure plays in the background. Fiancée says, "All those people. What are we going to tell them?" Rev, whose glass is always half-full, says, "We'll tell them the wedding starts tomorrow at noon…and you are going to look radiant." Aw! Rev walks to the door, saying it's five steps, and he's done it a hundred times. Treat tells Nurse Edna, whom we haven't seen in forever, that the call he made wasn't even close, and this wasn't supposed to happen. Is it ever, Treat?
Ephram's driving test. He passed! Grouchy Lady tells him so, and then says, "May God help us all." Heh. Ephram gets out of the car, tells Madison he passed, hugs her, and plants a big old kiss on her lips. Whoa, there! You don't do that, Ephram! Especially not to that girl we all hate! Madison recoils, shocked. She gives him the "I think you're great, but you're, like, too young" speech. Ephram apologizes, and says it won't happen again. It certainly won't, young man, or you'll have a very angry recapper on your hands. Madison asks if they can just start the scene again. They hug. We cut over to Amy, who's just watched the whole thing from across the street. She gets back into her KIA SORRENTO sadly, and drives away. Commercial.
Abbott Office. Rinda is poking a hot young man with pins. She asks him how he's feeling, then stops herself. "What's that smell?" The hot guy says, "Just a little CK One." Hee. Rinda's eyes widen in realization, and then she yells, "Haaaarrrrry!" She finds Patch listening at her office door, and loses her shit on him. She tells him to get out of her damn life, and that if this is about Treat, she has no intention of ever dating him, not now, not ever, so "BACK OFF!" She whirls around, hair flying, and stomps away. Patch smiles to himself, looks to the heavens, and says, "Sweet justice from above. Thank you!"
Wedding. It's a beautiful day. Treat is nervous about officiating, and the Rev gives him a little pep talk. He says everything's going to be fine. Treat asks the Rev how he's doing. He says he didn't want to face his congregation the night before, after leaving Treat's office. He says that he could feel all their hopes and expectations crashing down around him, but when he told them the news, all they wanted to do was hug him and make him feel better. Treat says that tragedy doesn't move him to faith, it just makes him question God's existence. Rev says that means He's working. He goes on, "Know what my boy Kierkegaard said?" Ha! "My boy Kierkegaard." Rev tells Treat, "'Then comes affliction to awaken the dreamer.' God isn't meant to be understood…sometimes He's absent on purpose. He wants us to doubt." Okay, enough with the religion class, people. I had twelve years of Catholic school. Anyway, the Rev says everything's cool, and he just wants to marry…ah, Katherine. There's her name. Was I just not listening before? Don't answer that.
The ceremony is beautiful. Treat gives a beautiful speech about how the Rev and Katherine represent not only love, but hope and faith as well. Wasn't that a bad sitcom? Treat says, "Their love for one another reminds us all that the most beautiful things in life can't be explained by logic or reason. They have to be felt with the heart." Aw. The couple kisses, everyone claps, and now it's time to get drunk at the reception.
Everyone's dancing and getting their party on. Delia dances with Bright. It's cute. Brittany asks Delia when it's her turn, and Delia tells her she can dance with Bright when she's finished, which will be never. Nina, whose hair looks even worse this week than it did last week, if that can be believed, asks Treat to dance with her. One of the best songs in the world, "At Last," starts up. Treat says that's what he calls timing, and gets up to dance with Nina. And, my GOD, Treat looks hot in a tux.
Amy finds Ephram, and apologizes for her bad behavior. He tries to resist her, but it's useless. She asks him to dance, and they look so sweet together that it's sickening. Amy tells Ephram that she's sorry for taking him for granted. She says she's sorry she's been so crazy for the whole time he's known her, and that he deserves someone less like her and more like him. Aw. Ephram says that, for an apology, what she said sounded a lot like a breakup. Amy says she just doesn't want to waste his time, and she wants him to promise that he won't let their weirdness get in the way of him finding someone else. Ephram promises he won't. Uh, why do I suddenly love Amy? This is such a strange feeling. I don't like it. Mommy, make it stop! Etta keeps on singing, and Amy and Ephram keep on dancing. Ephram looks sad, yet very very hot. We pan over all the happy dancers. Irv says, "Michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it downhill, and the unimportant pieces will break away. Sometimes life is like that. It tosses us downhill…but when we reach the bottom, and all of the important things are left, that's when our vision clears. That's when we hold on tight to what we know, while hope stirs inside us. It's all a matter of perspective." Etta finishes singing, and we fade to black. Damn you, damn you, DAMN you, Berlanti.