Disclaimer of the Recapper: The recapper is currently recapping in a room filled with boxes, paintings, blankets, books, errant bits of furniture which haven't yet been assembled, cleaning products, and tiny miscellaneous crap, with a VCR. The recapper hates you and everyone else who hasn't helped her unpack a box. The recapper wishes she were drunk, instead of downing coffee to stay awake. The recapper wants to hear nothing but love for this tired-ass recap. The recapper's feet are cold. The recapper wants a fucking cocktail, and wishes her good-for-nothing husband would get off his ass and get her one. The recapper is so sure, like crawling under the house and fixing the toilet is work. The recapper dares anyone to talk back.
Pretty mountain and stream scenery. Irv tells us that change is inevitable, and that nature changes...well, naturally. But for people to change, it takes other people. Cut to Ephram, who is looking hot and studying math. Treat tells him that he has to run out for a house call, that the "Dudley" children all have strep. He grins slyly and heads down the stairs, saying he should be back in a couple hours. Ephram commences to freak out, saying he can't babysit Delia tonight. He's all, "But Daddy! You said I could go out and get my new comic books tonight! YOU SAID!" Treat says that Delia is doing her homework, and should be no trouble. Ephram wants Daddy to ask Nina. Because Nina sits around her house just WISHING that someone would call her and ask to babysit. Ephram is still whining when he catches sight of a blonde young thing helping Delia with her homework. He asks Treat, "Who's that?" Treat tries to be all slick about it: "Who?" He tells Ephram that she is the babysitter hired to take care of Delia so that Ephram can "have a life." Neat! Treat introduces them. She's cute, in a blonde Hollywood lip-implant way. Treat tells her that Ephram is going to get some comic books. Ephram tries to act like they're not dorky. The babysitter says that her twelve-year-old brother collects comic books, with the dolls and everything. She's all breezy about it, like, I'm sure she doesn't realize that saying that shit to a teenager is the kiss of death. Dumbass. Ephram says he collects Manga, which is totally different. Delia accuses him of collecting dolls, and he gets all protest-too-muchy: "That's not a doll, Delia. It's a collectible." Sure it is, Tiny Tears. Delia rolls her eyes, and Ephram grabs his sack (hee!) to leave. The babysitter offers to help him with his homework later if he needs it, and to call if he'll be gone longer than an hour. Ephram can't believe his ears. First of all, WE GET IT. Secondly, shut up, babysitter. I hate you. Credits.
Brown House. Delia yells to her dad to cut her up an apple. Treat asks her if she can't just bite into it, like regular people. Delia insists. Why you got to be getting bratty, Delia? Treat sighs, but complies. Ephram gives Treat the third degree about the babysitter. Treat says he asked around. Ephram asks if Treat thought about what Delia wanted. Treat says he's a pretty good judge of people. Ephram reminds him of the maid they hired in Manhattan that stole everything. Ah, she stole the silverware. Why do the maids always steal the silverware? I know I'd be taking all those Blahniks that Julia certainly owned. Ephram asks about her references. Shut up, Ephram. Treat wants to know what his problem is. Ephram uses Delia for his own personal gain: "It takes DELIA a while to get used to new people, and you just left her with a total stranger last night." Treat says they'll get rid of her. What? Since when do you listen to Sullen Boy? Delia rolls in on her skates and asks brightly, "Can Madison come over again tonight?" Ew, Madison. Worst name ever. Anyway, Treat tells her that can be arranged. Delia does the Tiger fist pump: "Yes!" Aw, so cute. She skates away to get ready for the bus. Treat tells Ephram, "It's a shame she doesn't like new people." Ephram gives his dad a look. Treat Treat-grins.
“ He says that people here aren't going to go for alternative medicine. Rinda beg to differ. As Patch tells her nobody will visit her, Rinda welcomes in her first patient. She show you, round-eye American devil! ”
Abbott House. Patch, nearly orgasmic, tells Rose that he's just been selected "High Ruckbuck" at the Lodge. Rose doesn't get it. Patch explains, "Man of the Year." Rose congratulates him, and Patch immediately starts in on how many people will be jealous, and how awesome his speech has to be. He starts to write things down, and Rose reminds him that it's Linda's first day at the office. He blathers on about teaching her about real medicine, and how he's an excellent manager. As he's kissing Rose goodbye, Patch tells her to be thinking of some themes for his speech, and says that his dad was Weird Man Cult Man of the Year twice. He says that senior members still talk about his speech, and he should honor his dad's memory. Rose acts like she cares.
High school. English class. The teacher is one of those "put your desks in a circle" types. He asks the class about fatal flaws. One girl quips, "Kobe Bryant and room service?" Now, normally, I would hate this remark, but as I cannot STAND Kobe Bryant, yay! More Kobe slams, please. The teacher tells the class to write about their own tragic flaws as if they were characters in their own lives. The bell rings. Ephram asks Amy, "You think if I picked 'apathy' I could hand in a blank paper?" Heh. That's totally something I'd want to do. He asks Amy what she's going to pick. She says, "Is 'I Hate My Life' a flaw, technically?" No, actually, it's not, Amy. But "I Was a Teenage Shrew" is the title of your autobiography. Some guy in a frat-boy shirt walks up and asks Amy what she's doing Saturday night. Ephram eavesdrops with interest. Amy says she doesn't know. Tommy Hilfiger asks her if she wants to do something. Amy doesn't know. She says she might have a family thing. Tommy tells her to think about it. As he walks out, he trips over his gigantic mutant sideburns. Get some clippers, man.
Patch Abbott's office. Patch is greeted by his nurse, Louise, who hands him his coffee. Patch asks what the hell that music is in the background. His nurse says, "Isn't it nice? It's Chinese." She's clearly taken with Linda's "exotic" "Asian" "ways." The music actually sounds like "The Zen Garden Companion, Vol. 24." Order now, and receive a free miniature rake! Patch wants to know what the "other noise" is: "Sounds like a toilet running!" Linda comes out of her office. She bids "Harry" good morning. Patch tells her that he hopes she's devoting as much time to her patients as she is redoing her office. Oh, yes! Rinda take care of patients! Rinda soothe them with Pier 1 fountain and sandalwood incense! Rinda thinking of having double eyelid surgery to be more -- how you say? -- authentic! Patch opens the door to her office. It looks like Pearl River exploded in there. Rinda says she wanted to tell him that she practices Chinese medicine now, with an emphasis on acupuncture and herbal remedies. Patch has a stroke. He tells her that she used to be a real doctor, and that she's lost her damn mind. They fight over an incense stick. Rinda say she find other way to heal; Chinese medicine no reduce patient to glorified machine! She says she went to China a few years ago for "a case," and their traditional medicine was the only thing that worked, so now she's all about it. We get it, Rinda. You like Asian way! Patch says, "This isn't Bangkok, this is Everwood!" He says that people here aren't going to go for alternative medicine. Rinda beg to differ. As Patch tells her nobody will visit her, Rinda welcomes in her first patient. She show you, round-eye American devil!
“ Daddy Hart is about the fakest-acting drunk I've ever seen. I guess I'll just have to have a cocktail to show him what drunk REALLY looks like. That'll show 'im! ”
Brown House. Madison and Delia are cooking dinner. Ephram looks in the fridge, and wants to know where his pizza is. Madison says she threw it away. Ephram brats, "I wanted that!" Madison says it looked terrible, and that eating pizza all the time isn't good for their health. They're snapping beans. Shut up, Madison. Ephram slams cabinet doors around. Delia asks, "What is wrong with you?" Ephram grunts, "Nothin'." Madison tells him he'll feel better after he eats something. Ephram says he can cook his own self. Delia: "Only in the microwave." Rock, Delia. Ephram says he has a paper to write, anyway. Madison offers to help, and says that when she was a freshman, starting high school was a really big adjustment. Ephram says he's a junior, OKAY? Madison acts all innocent, like she doesn't know that she just continues to insult the hell out of him. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't say every single line in such a patronizing tone, but alas, she does, and it's infuriating. Ephram starts to walk out, and Madison tells him to help Delia set the table. Okay, this is right about when I'd lose my mind on Madison, and Ephram does the honors for me. He tells her to quit talking to him like she's his babysitter. Madison says that she was hired to take care of "things" when Treat was gone. Ephram reminds her that Delia is Madison's job, not him. He ups the ante by telling her that he's ordering a pizza: "Call me when it gets here." Heh. Delia tells Madison, "Welcome to my world." Madison looks stunned, but she totally isn't, because she's evil to the core.
We cut to Treat and Nina, having a real live restaurant dinner. Nina is telling Treat about the meeting she had with her lawyer. She says that she isn't sure she even wants to file for divorce yet, that everything is just so confusing right now. Treat says he would have gone with her if she had told him. Nina says she's not sure if this is the right thing. Treat assures her that it is, and that he'll be there for her. He says he wants a full report from her the day, after she sees her lawyer again. He tells her to stop by his office afterwards and tell him ALL about it. Nina agrees, still unconvinced. They're still talking when they hear a glass break at the bar. It's...Colin's dad! He's, like, totally wasted! The bartender refuses to serve him any more booze! Treat rushes over to make everything better. He offers to drive Daddy Hart home, leaving Nina to eat alone. Nice one, Treat. Daddy Hart is about the fakest-acting drunk I've ever seen. I guess I'll just have to have a cocktail to show him what drunk REALLY looks like. That'll show 'im!
After the commercial, we come back to the high school. Bright goes to sit down with Ephram. Tommy Hilfiger immediately motions to Bright to sit with their table. Ephram says, "Your home planet's beckoning." Bright's all, "Those asscracks. Whatever, I hate them." Turns out he's just mad that Tommy asked Amy out, and he wants Ephram to ask her out instead, so she won't have to go out with his asshole friends. Ephram says Amy doesn't want to go out with him. Bright says that Amy only has to want to go out with Ephram more than she wants to go out with "Wolzak," and that shouldn't be hard. Ephram ain't doing it.
“ Nina? Get a stylist, honey. Your hair is WRONG. Three-inch roots are only cute if you're...no, wait. They're never cute. EVER. Call Miss Clairol if you have to, but fix that shit. ”
Treat and Mommy Hart. Nobody cares, but Mommy Hart says that Daddy Hart used to have a drinking problem, but it got better; then after Colin died he started drinking again. AA doesn't work for him, Mommy Hart doesn't know what to do, blah blah. Treat says he wishes he could help. Mommy Hart is oddly a much more sympathetic character now than she ever was when Colin was alive. Still, I can't bring myself to give a shit that her husband is a big old lush.
Abbott Office. Hee! Patch is wearing a bright orange sweater over his shirt and tie. Must be left over from his Princeton wardrobe. He's working on his speech, and can't get anything right. He exasperatedly calls Louise for his coffee. Louise walks in, all got up in a purple Chinese shirt that she totally got from World Market. She tells Patch that Rinda says it brings out the color of her eyes. Patch tells her to get rid of it, and dress "more like a nurse, and less like a concubine." He takes a sip of his coffee and chokes on it. He spits it all over himself, and asks Louise if she's trying to poison him. Probably. Louise placidly tells him that it's yerba mate, and that Rinda says it's healthier than coffee. Shut up, Louise, and shut up, Rinda. Patch says he'd rather drink burnt sweat, and he wants his coffee, now, black. He also tells her to tell Rinda to turn down the stupid music. Louise: "I'm afraid I can't get involved in your sibling issues, Dr. Abbott. It might be bad for my chi?" Heh. Patch wants to kill. He gets up to kick some Asian ass.
Patch busts in on Rinda and one of her "patients," who had told Patch he cancelled because his migraine subsided. The patient tells Patch that it did, after Rinda worked her Oriental magic on him. He says he used one of Rinda's half-off coupons. Rinda excuses herself and Patch, and shoves her brother out of the office. She totally has the Melrose Place "KILL!" face, and it's making me nostalgic for Evil Marcia Cross. Rinda tells Patch not to barge in when she's with a patient. Patch says he can't get anything done because of her stupid chimes and incense. He calls her "Dr. Fu Manchu." Hee. Patch tells her that she can do whatever she wants in her Office of Zen, but "out here? Sanity, civilization, and air freshener!" He stalks off, still bitching about how he's barely got the patients trained to not pay him with livestock and summer squash, and here Rinda is having sales. They both slam their office doors. Ah, sibling squabbles. How cute.
Treat's Office. He's on the phone with somebody about Daddy Hart's drinking problem -- something about a new drug trial that is supposed to make you quit drinking. Nina comes to the door. Treat-Grins and motions her in, still on the phone. Nina tries to tell him what happened at her lawyer's. Treat talks to her and the person on the line at the same time. Nina feels ignored. She totally is. The point is, Nina is still torn about her divorce, Treat says he would support her and he isn't, and now she's all upset. And, Nina? Get a stylist, honey. Your hair is WRONG. Three-inch roots are only cute if you're...no, wait. They're never cute. EVER. Call Miss Clairol if you have to, but fix that shit. ["And also, don't be all sad-puppy-face when people can't listen to your personal problems at THEIR WORK. God." -- Sars]