By AB Chao
Fade up on a used car -- excuse me, "gently worn automobile" -- lot. Irv tells us some mumbo-jumbo about perfect moments in life, and the responses that we have to these moments that are not what the universe -- "or our parents" -- expect them to be. He finishes with what must be known in philosophical circles as The Universal Haggling Theory: "The truth has a distinct cost that can't be bargained down, and in these moments, we must choose whether to pay the price." We pan over several cars, ranging in color and price, and stop on that most hideous of old cars, the Lincoln Town Car. It's $1800. Treat, Delia, and Ephram walk over to it, talking with the mechanic/salesman who works there. Treat is overly excited about what Ephram terms the "safest boat in the Navy." Hee. This is totally no fair: Bitchy Amy Abbott gets a brand new KIA SORRENTO, and Ephram is stuck with this monstrosity? Treat cannot be stopped, though. He is so excited about buying this car that Ephram can't even tell his dad how much he hates it without looking like a spoiled little jackass. Or, you know, Amy Abbott. Treat goes off to finish the paperwork, and Phil the Mechanic, or as he will now be known for reasons you will soon find out, Mister Cleo -- and Ephram stay behind to admire the new "car," and Mr. Cleo tells Ephram that even though the car isn't much to look at, a "good girl" will like her. He goes on to say that the girl who is right for him will like the car, and it is at this point that I begin to get just a little creeped out by Mr. Cleo. He's either trying to set Ephram up with his one available daughter, or wants to suck out his soul through his eyeballs. Ephram says if Mr. Cleo is implying that he should use the car as a way to weed the girls out, "my face has that covered." I beg to diffah, Young Brown. Mr. Cleo says about one hundred THOUSAND more times, "The girl that's right for you will like this car. The girl that's right for you will like this car. All work and no play make Phil a dull boy." He gives Ephram the keys and tells him that his future awaits. Ephram says, "If this is the future, even my past is starting to look good." He gets into his gigantic love machine and backs out. Credits.
Morning at the High School. Amy "Bangs of Sadness" Abbott waits in her car for a parking spot. Happy high schoolers mill in the parking lot and walk into the school, ready for a new day! Amy sits and thinks about how best to go about killing herself. Cars honk like crazy behind her, and she is jolted out of her fantasy. She circles the parking lot.
Cut to Treat's office, where he is diagnosing one very cute little bespectacled boy with the flu. "Lester's" mom asks if Treat is sure it's the flu. Treat says of course it is. Mom says she's afraid Lester has meningitis, because that is what "Phil" said he had. Treat's all, "Who the hell is Phil?" Mom tells him that Phil the Mechanic said that Lester had meningitis, and she would feel better if Lester were tested. Mom says that Phil has "the Sight...well, the Hearing." Uh, what? Treat argues that he has seen hundreds of cases of the flu, and that is what Lester has. Mom is insistent -- if Treat won't test him, she'll find someone who will. She claims, "Phil's NEVER wrong." Treat sighs and says he'll make the appointment for Lester in Denver.
After they leave, Feisty Nurse Edna fills Treat in on the deal with Mr. Cleo. Apparently, a few years back, he started predicting things that all came true, including one lady with malformed ovaries who gave birth to a child (or perhaps a Bassett Hound, if the name is any indication) called "Baxter." About eight months later, though, Mr. Cleo predicted that Everwood would have a huge flood. People panicked, fleeing for their lives, but the flood never came. After that, everyone left Mr. Cleo alone.
And now we come to the scene that will no doubt bring tears to the eyes of viewers the world over, and not in a good way. Madison singing. First of all, Madison, I'd wager, has the worst voice, stage presence, attitude, hair, and just about everything else that I have ever had the displeasure of witnessing. Shut up, Madison. Don't sing, Madison. Die a painful death, Madison. And secondly, since when did a band set up for practice like they're on a damn stage, with everyone facing forward? Only on television, my friends. Delia is there, watching and having to pretend she's enjoying it, when who should show up to "bring her a jacket"? Ephram Brown. Delia is totally onto him, and bitches that now Madison might make her leave since he showed up. The "band" blessedly finishes their "song," and Madison asks Ephram what he thought. Ephram stammers, "Uh, it was good." Nice save. The guitarist in the band, whom some of you may recognize as Ben from Season 5 of Buffy, walks over to pick a musical fight with Madison. Madison tells him not to go too far, because she really wants to "do that one again," which...Lord have mercy, is about the most retarded thing ever. You're going to have to do that one again about a million more times for it to sound good, Madison Poppins. Or, you know what? Don't sing, Madison. Ben and Madison argue about the "sound," which makes me giggle, and Ephram offers to take Delia home. They go, leaving the "band" to suck alone.
Patch Abbott's office. Patch, Louise, and Rinda are holding the "October Management Summit of 2003," as Rinda calls it, covering such topics as coffee breaks, downtime, and the avoidance of abuse of said topics. Rinda doodles on her notepad and snarks at Patch that she can't believe they haven't already covered everything. Hee. Patch's phone rings. It's Amy. She's in Wyoming. Patch says he'll be there right away, and asks Rinda to ride with him so he can drive Amy's car back. Well, this is Krazy even for Amy. Sad Piano of See What Happens When You Don't Take Prozac? plays in the background.
Brown House. Madison is cooking dinner and telling Ephram all of her "band" woes. They've had a problem keeping members. I wonder why. Ephram comments that Ben was totally off on the song, and is holding the rest of the "band" down. Madison immediately gets defensive, all, "'Down'? I thought you said we were good. No, what are you saying? Are you saying we suck, Ephram? Shut up, shut up, we don't!" God. Ephram tries to tactfully get out of the hole he's dug himself into, but it's no use. Madison storms out, leaving the Browns to finish their own damn supper. And that is where Treat should have fired her snotty ass on the spot, but he only smarts to Ephram, "Might want to work on your bedside manner." Heh.
The phone rings. Guess who has the meningitis? That's right, little Lester does. Treat says he'll check back with the hospital tomorrow, and hangs up the phone, stunned. Delia asks what's wrong. Treat says, "Oh, nothing. The patient I diagnosed with the flu has life-threatening meningitis. And Phil the Mechanic is psychic." Poor Treat.
Cut to a gas station parking lot in Wyoming, where Amy is waiting for her daddy. Patch asks Amy what the hell is going on. Amy says she was going to school, and watching all the kids inside, and she couldn't imagine herself in there with all of them, so she just kept driving. Well, of course. Patch asks what's going on with her. "Do you need more attention?" Hee. Amy has no answers for her dad. He shepherds her into the car as we go to commercial.
Mr. Cleo's House of Cars and Genuine Psychic Predictions. Treat is there to tell Mr. Cleo that he was right about Lester's meningitis. He wants to know how Mr. Cleo knew. Mr. Cleo tells Treat that he's "clairaudiant," which, as you know, is not to be confused with "Claire Huxtable." Mr. Cleo says he just hears things that are going to happen. Treat's all, "Like, things about me? Like, right now?" Heh. Mr. Cleo tells Treat that he doesn't want to get into it, but Treat presses on. Mr. Cleo tells Treat that he is going to get that kiss he's been waiting for, and he'll break a promise. Treat says, "This is it? This is like fortune cookies. Anything else?" Mr. Cleo tells Treat to watch out "for that file folder. Likely to take your head off." As much as it would hurt me, I'd kind of like to see that.
Brown House. Delia and Madison are playing cards. Ephram walks in and asks what they're playing. There has been some argument in the forums as to the nature of the game, and I am here to tell you that Delia clearly says, "Spit." Ptooey! Madison bitches, "Go ahead. Tell her how much she sucks at it." Don't sing, Madison. Ephram tries to apologize, but Madison is not having it. He lies that she's a "really great singer," but Madison doesn't accept. Then she changes her tune (heh!) and actually utters the line, "I'm just sensitive about my music." Read that again. Sensitive. About. Music. Cannot. Stop. Hysterical. Laughter. She says she thought she could use her "band" to get her out of Everwood. Well, Madison, you could, but only in the capacity that includes "laughed out of" or "driven out of." Nice try, though. Here is where sweet Ephram offers to help. Delia tells Madison that he's better than she thinks. Aw. Madison is hesitant, but accepts his offer. She gets all excited and says she will go "call the guys" right now! Delia looks at her brother, and tells him, "Boys are SO obvious." Yay, funny Delia is back!
Abbott Office. Patch talks to Rinda about Amy, saying he just doesn't know what to do anymore. Rinda offers to work her special brand of magic on Amy. Patch is so desperate that he accepts Rinda's offer. The world implodes.
"Band" "practice." Same song, same shittiness. As they "play," Ben suddenly goes crazy with a guitar solo, like, no way in even the deepest depths of hell that is ever happening, so please, writers, please, I beg you, take the band subplots and CRAM THEM SIDEWAYS, because they are making me want to rip my beaver off. Pretty please? Ben tells Madison that they sound like every band from Everwood to Boulder. Madison mouths off, "Yeah. Except they sound like they practice." She then says the words that no band member has ever said, except on TV: "Take ten, everybody." The only thing that saves this scene is Ephram, looking hot on the keyboards. Madison asks Ephram if there is anything he can help them with, and he hotly explains to her what their problem is, using the piano to illustrate. For the first time, Madison gives MY BOYFRIEND CALL ME EPHRAM eyes of looooove. She thinks Ephram is going to help her "band," like, a lot! But, really, this entire problem can be fixed with three little words. "Don't sing, Madison."
Treat's Office. Rinda comes in to ask her mom for the truck, as she is moving. Treat tells a very pointless story about how he has never actually moved in his life, because he uses movers, and we all think that he is going to offer to help. He doesn't, and Nurse Edna gets real aggravated. She throws a FILE FOLDER at Treat. There will be a quiz later, so pay attention to the FILE FOLDER. After Rinda leaves, Edna tells Treat that if he likes her, and she likes him (which, she says, Rinda clearly does), to just go ahead and go for it, then. Treat's all, "Are you sure?" Edna leaves, exasperated. Treat picks up the file folder, recognition dawning on his face. Mr. Cleo is for REAL, y'all!
Rinda's Office. She and Amy are on a mat, and Rinda is teaching Amy about meditation. She should actually be teaching Amy about medication, but unfortunately, recappers only get to report the facts and then bitch about them after they happen. Amy tries meditating, but she merely looks like she has to "drop the kids off at the pool," if you know what I am saying. Rinda says she has a CD of some really great Indian music that might help, and goes off to find it. Marcia Cross really is a beautiful lady, but I like her better when she's evil. ["And can someone explain to me what was up with that faux-nytail she had going on in that scene? Her hair wrangler hates her ass, and it's a pity." -- Sars] Amy gets up and wanders around Rinda's office. She looks through Rinda's fancy Eastern medicinal effects, which can best be described as "Pier 1 clearance sale," and then spies Rinda's prescription pad. Don't do it, Amy! I say this knowing full well that, in high school, I shadily came into possession of an emergency room doctor's excuse pad, and put them into heavy rotation in my House of Lies all the way through college. How no one ever caught on that seventy-five visits to the emergency room over a span of about five years was the most ridiculous thing EVER is beyond me, but it just goes to show: some college professors are dumber than they look. Amy, of course, snags one and hides it in her pants. DIRTY! Commercial.
We come back to Rinda, where she is hauling boxes to her car. Treat drives up in Irv's truck. Ooh! He offers to help, and Rinda shows him a garage full of boxes and furniture. Rinda asks him if he's really up for it. Treat: "Oh, I am SO up for it." Bowm-chicka-mow-mow.
Patch's Office. Patch is trying to field a crowd-ful of questions about Mr. Cleo's Medical Predictions, and finally loses his temper. He tells them that all appointments have been cancelled, and to go home. Aw. We cut immediately to Mr. Cleo's Garage, where Patch tells him, "I don't know who died and made you C. Everett Koop, but the panic you are arousing in my patients has to stop." Hee. Mr. Cleo says he didn't mean to get people all het up, but the things he says are true. Patch goes on and on about how Mr. Cleo has to quit doing this and he's making everyone act crazy, and then Mr. Cleo cuts in, "Someone very close to you is sick." Patch, taken aback, stammers that in a world this large, that is a statistical inevitability, blah blah how-dare-you-cakes. Mr. Cleo just stares somberly at Patch. Patch's Cell Phone of Bad News rings again, and he says, "What prescription? For whom?" Ooh, some little girl is in very big trouble.
Bar. Madison's "band" plays. Someone has, blessedly, seen fit to dub an actual good voice over Madison's, so it doesn't sound that hideous. ["Yeah, tell that to my cats…if you can get far enough under the bed to find them." -- Sars] Plus, Ephram totally wrote the song. He is rocking the keyboards in a very cute way. The song ends, and the crowd goes wild. God. Please. Madison gushes all over Ephram that his song was awesome, and can't thank him enough. Ephram feels warm and mushy inside, and asks Madison if he can "get [her] a Coke or something." Aw. And, whew. That means she isn't 21, right? Ephram's dreams of Cokes and smiles are shattered, though, when Ben comes over and starts macking DOWN with Madison. Gross. Some girls like their spleens licked, one supposes. Ben tells Madison he'll meet her later, because he clearly can't be bothered to stay and load up with the rest of the band, like REAL BANDS. After he leaves, Ephram gets all huffy that Madison didn't tell him she and Ben were dating. Madison says they're totally not. Ephram insists she should have told him, because when he kissed her at the DMV, that meant something. Madison shuts him down, saying it didn't mean anything to her, because they aren't friends that way. "Friends that way"? Oh, man. I hate you so much, Madison Fucking Stupid Poppins.
Abbott House. Amy walks in to find her parents waiting for her, furious. Patch confronts Amy about the prescription she wrote. Amy says in a tiny and very sad voice, "I'm sorry." Patch freaks shit, and tells her that she has really gone too far this time with her criminal behavior, and Rinda could lose her license, and blah blah blah. Rose tells Patch to shut up and let Amy talk. Amy says she just wanted to feel better. Rose says she could have asked, and Amy says she did. Which is true. Patch says that Amy blames everyone but herself for her problems. Amy hits her dad with, "No. I just blame you." Ouch. That burns a little. Patch is speechless. He finally says, "Fine. FINE! I'll write your prescription. Let's just make this whole thing go away." He pushes the prescription into her hands, and tells Amy that he's writing it for someone else, not his daughter, because his daughter would have never done this. Aw, sad. Patch storms out. Amy looks at Rose for support, and her mother walks away, too. Kind of cold, Rose. Tough love is the hardest love of all. Heh.
Treat and Rinda. They're taking a break from moving, and Rinda pours them a glass of wine. Mmm, wine. Good idea. They lounge together on the floor. Rinda pulls out a box that she says contains all the things she wanted to remember from her time in Africa. Treat wants to see them. Rinda says it's just junk, but then she totally shows him. There's a copy of The Little Prince, and an old picture of her family, and...a picture of Rinda and a cute guy. She says, "This is -- was -- a friend." Mysterious! Rinda puts the box away and thanks Treat for helping her. They look all googly-eyed at each other, and Treat goes in for the kiss. Rinda turns away awkwardly, then jumps up and tells him she'll get him more wine. Treat looks at his glass, which is now half-empty. Aw, Treat. Commercial.
Downtown Everwood. Treat catches up to Mr. Cleo, who is loading groceries into his car. Mr. Cleo says he's not available. Treat: "As a psychic or mechanic?" Mr. Cleo: "You having car trouble?" Treat: "No!" Heh. Treat says one of the things Mr. Cleo predicted didn't come true, and he's mad that he got "gypped on the kiss." Mr. Cleo tells Treat that things like this are why he didn't want to get back into the prediction business in the first place. He says that he had to say something about Lester, but wishes it could have ended there. He says when he hears things, sometimes they do happen, but not in the way that people want. Treat asks about the flood. Mr. Cleo says the flood did happen, only in Houston. Hee. Treat says it's too bad Mr. Cleo can't just "predict" something else wrong, like maybe an avalanche. Mr. Cleo doesn't understand, then finally gets the idea. He tells Treat that an avalanche just might make people finally leave his ass alone.
Rinda's new house. She's still unpacking, and Nurse Edna brings her a gift. Not one to mince words, Edna launches directly into the reasons why she thinks Rinda and Treat should get together. Rinda basically tells her mother to back off. Edna persists, saying she knows they like each other, and it's simple. "Why does everybody have to make things so complicated these days? I liked the looks of Irv; he liked the looks of me; we got hitched." I love you, Feisty Nurse Edna. Rinda tells her mom she doesn't know anything about it. Edna's all, "Then tell me!" Rinda looks at her mom, and tearfully says, "I have a disease." Edna says that Hep A couldn't kill a flea. Rinda says it's not Hep A. "It's HIV. I contracted it while I was working in Africa." She says she can't bring Treat into that. Edna is stunned. "Why didn't you tell me?" Rinda says she didn't want anyone to worry, and she doesn't want the whole town to know. Rinda sits to her mom, insisting that she's really fine. Edna says, "I'm your mother. You don't tell me things because you think I'll fix them, you tell me because you need someone to tell. You don't have to be strong. You're not alone with this anymore." They embrace. Tears all around!
Ephram and Madison. Ephram is polishing his car, and Madison tells him that it will never be much to look at. But, she says, a car like that is a good thing to have around, for friends and road trips and things like that. She says that's what makes it cool. Ephram thinks, "Mr. Cleo was RIGHT!" Madison apologizes to Ephram for the other night, and says she didn't tell him because, even though she thinks he's awesome, he's sixteen. She says he's sixteen a lot. Ephram tells Madison he knows what her problem is, and it's not age. Madison says he doesn't even know her. And thank God for that. Ephram says he may not know everything about her, but he knows that she's the only person who makes Delia think it's okay to be a girl, and how she feels when she "sings," and that all she wants is for Ben to get her even though he never will, and all the stuff about him being too young is just about her being afraid, and, and, and why can't EPHRAM JUST CALL ME? Because they kiss, and my heart breaks into a thousand tiny pieces, with Madison's shitty song as the soundtrack.
Treat finds Rinda in town, as traffic leaves in fear of the avalanche. Treat tells Rinda how he feels, which boils down to "I like you." He says he doesn't know if she feels the same way, but he had to say it. Aw. Why does everything bad hafta happen to Treat? Rinda looks wistfully at Treat as he walks back to his car. When he gets in and looks in the rearview mirror, sweet little Delia gives her dad the most hateful, evil, horrible look that has ever been seen on a nine-year-old girl.
"Ooh, Child" starts to play, and I wish I knew who was singing this version, because it's just beautiful. We cut to Edna, who is walking into her house late in the day. She starts to walk through the kitchen, and up the stairs. Irv calls, "That you, honey?" He sees her from the top of the stairs. Edna looks at her husband, and starts to weep. Irv says, "What happened?" Edna just cries. The world cries with her. Irv says, "What is it? Tell me what it is." Edna breaks down in her husband's arms, and we fade out. The girl singing, the one who can actually sing -- not Madison, who needs to never sing again -- tells us that things will get brighter. Good Lord, I hope so.