By Couch Baron
Over black-and-white stills of various locations in the town, Irv tells us that a lot changes in small towns. Tell me about it -- one year you miss your quota of hot, brooding teenage boys, and then suddenly one shows up from New York and makes everything right. Irv talks about the old bank, the old gas station, and "you all know what happened to the train depot." Yeah, we're done with the previouslies, Irv. I know you know which one is the gas pedal, so let's get going here. And then, Irv tells us, there's the "Kissing Bridge." We see a shot of said bridge, which makes me think that the local sanitarium is quite liberal in scheduling field projects for its patients. Irv goes on that "legend" has it that a man and a woman who lived on opposite sides of the river constructed the bridge so they could meet in the middle and share their first kiss. Two things about that: One, unless this bridge predates Colorado's admission into the Union, I don't really think that enough time has passed for this rather twee story to be a legend. Two, one look is enough to tell any sane individual that fording the river is a rather safer bet than setting foot on that thing. Irv: "Now, if people had just stuck to kissing, Doctor Brown may have been able to avoid one heck of a crisis." Boy, that segue couldn't have been more awkward if it had thrown up on Queen Elizabeth's shoes at a state dinner party. Irv goes on that the Kissing Bridge has stood the test of time, as a random guy pedals toward it on his bicycle. "Some things are built to last, and some things aren't." Suddenly the guy goes crashing through the floor of the bridge, bike and all, completely contradicting Irv's sentiment. The Piano Of Will No One Ever Listen To The Goddamned Recapper finishes up its jaunty tune. Credits.
The theme music is growing on me. I now find it exactly as pleasant as nails on a chalkboard.
Everwood Train Station Of Free Medicine And Salty Nurses. The bike rider, who it turns out is the boy in his early teens who's in one of Treat's credits shots, complains, "You're not supposed to fall through a bridge." Well, yes, kid, I'm glad you've got the meaning of that word down. Here, have a National Merit Scholarship. The kid exposits that he fractured his arm in three places. Hope you can switch-hit at your age, kid, especially in light of the upcoming MEOW plotline. Treat tells some boring story about some other patient, but Edna sticks her head in to tell him that "the Clarks" (Clarkes?) are in the room. Treat writes Bridge Boy a prescription and sends him on his way. Treat goes in to see the Clark(e)s, who are mother and high-school-age daughter, and the mother tells him that the prescription he wrote for "Susie" is really doing the trick. Susie totally looks like Azura Skye, but apparently isn't. Treat sort of beats around the bush, saying that everything's not cool and maybe he should talk to Susie alone, but the mother gets a little testy, and Susie, sucking on a lollipop, says she doesn't care. Insert your own "that's not all she's sucking on" joke here. Treat breaks the news that Susie's got an STD. Susie protests that she's never had sex. Well, intercourse isn't the only way to get an STD, dear. Wake up, little Susie. The mother gets on her high horse and proclaims that her dear Susie has had no sex, no way, no day, but Treat's all, the culture ain't lying, woman. Realizing there's no getting around the truth, the mother looks at Susie, who's all, "Well, I've never done anything that can get me pregnant, and that's what sex is. Right, Mom?" You know, Susie looks old enough to have taken a little class that, twenty-plus years ago when I was in junior high, was called "Hygiene." And given Everwood's one-horse town feel, it's probably still called that there. Prudish as she may seem, Susie's mom got an A in Hygiene, so she knows that whoever taught Susie about sex left out a few birds and just as many bees. She yanks the lollipop out of Susie's mouth. Hee. But that poor lollipop will never be accepted into polite society again.
Susie's mom hustles her out as Treat tells them to call him if they have any more questions. Edna: "I never would have thought little Susie Clark(e) had it in her." Well, she didn't, technically. Although actually, really technically, she did. Treat backstories that Susie's the second girl he's seen that week with an STD, and it's like they've never even heard of safe sex. Well, Treat, I'm not saying that their parents don't have a responsibility to educate their kids, but it's not the easiest thing to talk to your child about sex. As you'll soon find out. Edna says that the kids don't know anything, and she's not sure what the schools teach them about sex, "but whatever they don't cover, HBO does." Boy, that's a scary thought. If these girls are getting their sex ed from Carnivale, I'm amazed they're not pregnant by a midget, a strongman, or the devil incarnate. Of course, they could just end up going lesbian, but we'll have to see what happens in Season Two, if it even comes to pass, and what the hell was I saying? Oh, Edna tells him there's a patient with loose bowels to see him. Let's all say it with Treat: Thanks, Edna!
Justin (Wendell) hangs up his cell phone after finishing up another of his deals. His hair looks like it's trying to escape his head, and it doesn't so much care about a direction. Ephram snarks at him a bit, but I think he's secretly happy to have a friend. Ephram notices that Justin has flowers or something stuck in his locker. Justin explains that the Fall Dance is coming up, and it's one of those dances where the girls ask the boys. "Once the girls have chosen an item, they tie a ribbon around it, sign their names to it, and place it on your locker as a way of formally inviting you." God, even Sadie Hawkins wouldn't have gone to all that trouble. And what girl asked Justin, anyway? I figured he was more into the inflatable females. They don't have STDs, you know. Justin counsels Ephram to check his locker. Ephram doesn't think he'll be finding any sprigs of holly there, but we cut to him discovering a note, signed by Amy. Ephram has an allergic reaction to the flowers that causes his face to contort unrecognizably. Oh, my mistake: He's smiling.
Mama Joy's. Mrs. Baxworth, in her usual screech, announces that the town is tearing down the Kissing Bridge, and it's even on the front page of the Pinecone, which is the local newspaper, in case you didn't know. Edna grabs the copy out of her hand. There's a bit of back-and-forth about bulldozers coming to tear it down, and then Mrs. Baxworth crows that the bridge has been a safety hazard for years. Edna: "Your mouth is a bigger safety hazard than that old bridge and nobody's torn you down. Yet." Edna, tie a ribbon around a flower and send it to me. I promise I'll say yes. Irv muses that they might at least have tried to fix the bridge, and Edna, in the process of agreeing with him, works up a head of steam thick enough for her to make a clean getaway. When the air clears, Mrs. Baxworth mugs to Irv, "I take it she had the chili again?" God, Mrs. Baxworth, I'm thinking of tearing you down myself. I really didn't need another reference to loose bowels in this episode. The first one was enough to make me run. (Oh, I'm really sorry. Sometimes I never know what's going to come out.)
Patch is at a fruit stand buying apples, apparently a believer in the theory that an apple a day keeps the New York doctor away. He chastises the vendor for trying to pass off his Baldwins as Macouns. I'd make a joke about Patch's anal-retentiveness, but I think I'd better let go of the theme while I still have any readers left. Treat appears and says he has a modest proposal. Patch: "You're donating your body to science to further the medical understanding of the North American dimwit." Well, the Abbott family is just chipper today, huh? Treat says no, he'd just like occasionally to trade diagnoses of the "local yokels" with Patch. Hey, Treat, you're the one offering free medicine. Don't act put out when Cletus shows up at your door. Patch wants to know why, and Treat says he'd like to identify patterns in the community, such as gonorrhea of the throat. Treat starts to describe the symptoms, and Patch says he's familiar with the disease. Treat: "Not personally, I hope." Hee. Patch gets him right back, calling him "Dr. Cocoa Puffs." That's a line I could see myself shamelessly stealing, I'll tell you that for free. Patch goes on about doctor-patient confidentiality. "Perhaps you've heard of it." Patch, I just shook my Magic 8-Ball, and all signs point to no. Anyway, Treat finally manages to convey what he's talking about, and says that the people of Everwood need to be edumacated about a few things. This goes on and on until Patch says, "News flash! You're not here to save the world, Doctor Brown. Just to annoy it." Thank you, Patch. I'll be sending you a box of Macouns, post haste.
Patch enters his rather full waiting room, and his nurse asks him if he had a nice lunch. Patch: "No." Hee. The nurse tells him that the "Tomkins" (Thompkins? Thompkins'? Tomkins'?) are in his office. Patch instructs her to make a few personal calls on his behalf, and then berates her for the lack of coffee. Patch strikes me as a huge Starbucks addict, but without the product-placement fee, what can you do? Patch walks into his examining room and announces to "Francine" and her mother that her culture came back, and as he suspected -- he looks at the results -- whoops! She actually doesn't have strep throat. No, it's a condition called "hornytis," and it isn't rare at all.
Library. Ephram, holding the flowers, gathers his nerve and approaches Amy. PMMS (Kayla) looks up and snarks that only the girls are supposed to give the "pinecones." She wasn't actually nearly as snotty as she could have been there, but I don't imagine that's going to mean much in the long run. Ephram hopefully says that "somebody" left it for him on his locker. I think the way he worded that indicates that he's not entirely sure that it wasn't a prank, but maybe I'm reading too much into it. Anyway, Amy very happily asks him who it was. Ephram deflates faster than an overcooked soufflé. I must state for the record that it's pretty clear that PMMS was not in on this, unless she's a really good actress. Yeah, I'll leave that joke to you too. Nearby, Bright and a couple pals of his start laughing obviously, and Ephram and Amy simultaneously figure out what happened. I have to say that that's nice reuse of the fact that Bright writes like a girl, as well as nice attention to detail by having this note written in print, since Ephram might have recognized the handwriting if it had been written in cursive. Attention to detail pleases me. Not that I couldn't do without it, as long as Bright and Ephram were around. Anyway, Amy starts to stammer something, but Ephram doesn't blame her here, and instead snarls that he overestimated Bright, as he thought he would come up with another way of messing with him. Bright: "Why bother? You keep falling for the same joke." True, that. Well, Ephram, the upside is that now if you get any love letters from Bright, you'll know whether or not they're authentic.
Amy hustles after Ephram, and apologizes for Bright. She goes on that she didn't ask Ephram to the dance because she's not going with anyone, and that last year she asked Colin. I actually think that Ephram should take some consolation from that, as well as cut her a break, but he's reeling from the public humiliation, and says some snitty things before storming off. Amy looks sad. She's going to be likable this episode, I can tell. Hey, that's notable in and of itself.
Brown kitchen. Treat regards Ephram thoughtfully. Finally Ephram can't take it: "What? Are you moving us to Zimbabwe or something?" After that scene in the library, Ephram, I'd think you'd be leading the way. Anyway, Treat hems and haws until he's like, ha ha, I don't know if you've ever had sex. Ephram's like, ha ha, you never will. Hee. That's all the effort Treat's comfortable making, and anyway, Delia screams for him from off-camera. She tells him that her hat is ruined. At first, I thought she said it was a Penguins hat, and if so...well, it's likely you all know by now that I'm from New York, so "good riddance" is probably unnecessary. Still, good riddance. However, it was sort of implied in the pilot that she's a Rangers fan, so I think she might have said "penguin hat." I'm sure you're relieved that I got that straightened out. Anyway, Treat ruined the hat by putting it in the dryer. Also, Delia clearly has some ulterior motive for wanting to wear that particular hat, and it's not hard to guess what it is. But unusually for this show, I can sum up Delia's and Treat's lines for the rest of their scene together thusly: Blah blah blah hat-cakes. The phone rings, and it's Patch for Treat. Treat says he can be somewhere in twenty minutes. The middle of the Kissing Bridge? Because that wouldn't surprise me. At all.
Mayor Rose. Oh, if you didn't know, she's the Mayor. She dismisses the City Council, and then calls the School Board into session. Hee. Treat and Patch appear together, and Rose notes that she never thought the two of them would join forces. Oh, you'll be watching the spinoff, just like everyone else. Patch calls Rose "dear," and Treat catches up to the short-bus riders by realizing that Patch and Rose are married. Rose is no-nonsense about the STD problem, and Treat and Patch both advocate urging parents to talk to their children. Treat, however, goes on that the high-school curriculum should be changed. A token black woman tells him that their curriculum is paid for by the federal government, which is certainly something to take note of these days. Treat counters that merely preaching abstinence isn't enough, and spouts some statistics that are designed to get everyone's attention. However, the board isn't hearing him, and Rose tells him that they don't have the authority or funding to change the current program. Patch looks horribly uncomfortable as Treat suggests a privately funded assembly given by the two of them. Patch looks like he'd rather remove his nose hairs with Scotch tape. Rose says that the boys and girls would have to be separated, but approves the idea. Treat volunteers to take the girls, and Rose says that any parents who object can keep their children out of school, and despite Patch's repeated and panicked objections, Rose is soon banging her gavel and making things official. Boy, I have to say that I would find it pretty intimidating if my SO had a gavel. Just imagine how it could be used in relation to your sex life.
Amy walks down the hall with PMMS and Non-Bucktoothed Madison (Paige). Ephram passes them with a hangdog expression. Well, I know a certain Louisianan recapper who'd be the first to send you some wisteria if you'd only call her, Ephram.
Elementary school playground. Magilla is having a thumb war with some other boy. Delia asks if she can play , but Magilla says he's not playing "with some stupid girl." He disparages her hat, and she says she thought he liked penguins. He denies that, and tells her to get lost. She goes and sits by herself. Aw. Boys can be so confusing. Especially when they're...er, I'll save that for another recap.
Edna's working on her motorcycle when Irv arrives with a chicken parm for her. Damn, I wish I could grab that right out of the screen. Then again, if the necessary technology existed for that, I'd probably weigh about three hundred pounds. I still want that chicken parm, though. Edna's not particularly grateful, and gets even less so when Irv informs her that he went to the City Council meeting and asked them not to tear down the Kissing Bridge. Edna bitches Irv out, and he says he was just trying to cheer her up. Edna snaps that if she wanted cheering up, she'd rent The Terminator like she always does. Edna, put it on your Amazon wish list. Along with some Quaaludes -- you really need to relax. She goes on that she doesn't care about the bridge, but Irv points out that she cared about it the other day, and that when she's upset about something, she gets her tools out. Edna starts to stalk off, and he asks where she's going. Edna: "To the video store!" Yeah, women can be confusing too. Especially when they're Edna.
Abbott dinner table. Rose asks Amy whom she's inviting to the Fall Dance. Bright cracks up, and Amy calls him a jackass. He smirks that it wasn't a big deal, and besides, Amy wasn't going to ask him "anyways." I hate that non-word, but I suppose it's consistent that Amy and Colin both use it. Amy says he doesn't know that, and Bright counters that if she was in fact planning to ask him, he saved her "entire reputation." You know, as much as I love him, Bright's asking for some karmic payback here, and it's coming in the form of a nice case of appendicitis. Actually, I had my appendix out in April, so perhaps I was paying for something as well. Maybe I should quit writing these recaps before my spleen explodes. Patch wants to know whom they're talking about, but Amy says she's not asking anyone, and asks them to drop the subject. Patch announces that, due to Rose's "warped sense of humor," he's going to be hosting a sex education assembly at their school. The look of horror on both Amy's and Bright's faces is priceless. It's like...well, it's like their father is going to be hosting a sex education assembly at their school. It really doesn't get much more embarrassing than that.
Anyways, Patch says that he realizes that it will be uncomfortable for them, so he wanted to have a family discussion about it. He asks for their thoughts. Bright hilariously twirls his fork in the air and makes a "Yippee!" face. Amy: "Is this 'cause Susie Clark(e) got VD?" Patch chokes. Ha! And that's what they called STDs when I took Hygiene, by the way. Rose asks how Amy knew about Susie, and Amy says everyone knows. Bright pipes up that he didn't know. Amy: "How could you not know? You dated her!" Patch gags on the water he was trying to stop the original choke with. Heeee hee hee. This bit is pretty slapsticky, but Tom Amandes is great with the physical comedy, and the oboe flourishes are just adding to the fun. It comes out that Bright also dated Francine, and Patch looks at him like he's an unwashed Petri dish. Amy asks what the big deal is, since gonorrhea is "completely curable, unlike the herp, which never goes away, right Dad?" Well, you sort of just answered your own question, Amy. time, little Susie and Francie may not be so lucky. Rose opines that Patch will be discussing these things at the assembly, and asks if anyone wants dessert. Patch looks like he wants to vomit. Yes, real easy to talk to your kids about sex, Doctor.
And things are going just as well at the Brown dinner table, where Ephram has made it very clear that between contracting an STD and having Treat speak at his school, he'll take the option with more pus, thanks. Treat points out that Sue Ellen always used to go to his school for PTA meetings. Ephram: "Mom used to make banana bread for the bake sales. She didn't frontline any of my sex assemblies!" And a good thing, that, because if there is anything more embarrassing than your father giving a speech about sex to your school, it's your mother doing the same. Ephram basically begs Treat not to do it, but Treat says he's not trying to ruin Ephram's life. Ephram: "You don't have to try. You do it pretty naturally." He says that everyone is going to say that Treat's a big sex expert, and meanwhile he can't even get a date to the dance. Aw. Although I should point out that being an clinical expert on sex doesn't mean you know the first thing about it practically, and I'm willing to name names. Ephram begs Treat to be "a father, instead of a doctor, for once," but Treat is all on about the fact that he can prevent people's diseases, for once in his life. Ephram: "So if you miss this assembly kids all over town are going to drop dead from having unsafe sex? Well it's a good thing you're there for them, Doctor Brown. Maybe one day I'll know what it's like for you to be here for me." He stomps off. Yeah, that was pretty harsh, but Treat can be awfully thick when he wants to be. And apparently, he wants to be thick a rather large percentage of the time.
Amy sees Ephram locking up his bike at school. She goes over to him, and he "hey"s her. She asks if they're back to greeting each other. Ephram: "I am if you are." He says that with the shyest, most hopeful smile, and if that technology I mentioned earlier existed, I would be reaching through the screen and grabbing him right now. Of course, AB would stick my hands in a thresher, so maybe I should reconsider that. Amy tells him that she was never mad at him, but he says she should have been, because he said some stupid things, and apologizes. She accepts, and then muses about the fact that their dads are coming to school that day. Ephram snarks on Treat, and Amy admits that she kind of hates both her parents right now. Amy Nicole! Don't you talk that way about your mama. She says her dad's OCD, her brother's ADD, and her mother is "just plain crazy." We've seen no evidence of that last one, dear, but two out of three isn't bad, I suppose. She goes on that she's "tired," and that the dance is making her feel crappy, because she misses Colin and just wanted to ask him to the dance, like she did last year. Ephram says she should ask him, and suggests they go to Denver by repeating verbatim the words she used to ask him to come to Denver in the pilot, and HOW THE HELL IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THIS KID CAN'T GET A DATE? Sheesh. I mean, I loathe Madison, but I'll give her some credit for figuring out that Ephram is a diamond in a whole lot of rough. That doesn't mean I don't want to see her killed in a freak log-splitting accident, though. Amy's hesitant, but Ephram emotionally goes on, "I would give anything to be able to talk to my mom again. It wouldn't matter to me if she could answer; I'd just be happy to see her." God, you never know when this show is going to make you tear up. They need to start making an Everwood-specific version of Claritin. And why is it that I got so annoyed with Joey Potter for playing the dead-mother card, but it doesn't bother me when Ephram does it? Oh, I know: Because Joey sucked ass.
Edna's berating someone on the phone, saying that Treat's not going to be in that afternoon, so the person can reschedule, or keep the appointment and see her. "I'd be happy to shove a tongue depressor right up your" -- Treat appears -- "I'll call you back, Pearl." Hee. Treat asks what's wrong, and Edna confesses that she thinks she's depressed. Well, if this is "depressed," be sure and let me know when your dial's set to "angry," so I can reach minimum safe distance. I'm thinking Mars. Treat says he thought she didn't get depressed. Edna: "Well, the cat's out of the bag. Apparently I got feelings." Yeah, I've had that revelation before. It sucks. She says she's been thinking a lot about Patch Senior, and that she wants to stop. Treat asks how she usually deals with grief. Edna: "I served two tours in 'Nam!" Treat: "Denial, then?" Edna: "Pretty much." Hee. You know, if the Patch/Treat spinoff doesn't work out, these two would be a fine second candidate. Edna asks how Treat deals, and he smiles about uprooting his family, blah blah blah. Edna says husbands are harder to "wrangle" than kids. "For one thing, they're heavier." Hee. I don't even know what she's talking about, but it's still funny. She admits she hasn't told Irv about her feelings, and Treat counsels her to do so before saying he's got to get to the school. "So hand me some condoms and wish me luck." My brain explodes from the sheer number of available jokes related to that comment. Karma's a bitch, man.
Elementary school. Delia's eating alone at a table. Magilla comes over and, not looking at her, informs her that his mom said she could come over after school the day. Hee. It's the third-grade version of a drug deal. Delia looks around, wondering whom Magilla's talking to, so he turns around and asks if she heard him. Delia says she thought he didn't like her, but he denies that, and she accepts his invitation. He walks away, and she looks after him quizzically. Hey, it's not going to get any easier, Delia. Especially if you continue to act like a rational person.
Treat and Patch pull in to the high school. Treat notes that Patch brought "visual aids." Hee. Patch looks nervous, as well he might, and Treat counsels him to go over the symptoms of gonorrhea slowly. If I remember my Hygiene correctly, at least one of the symptoms is nothing you're likely to miss, but I'm not a doctor. Inside, Patch introduces himself, and then holds up one of the visual aids, which is a standard diagram of the female reproductive system. He gets the predictable hoots and whistles. I take it back, Delia -- some boys at this age are pretty uncomplicated. Exhibit A, Bright, smirks good-naturedly at his dad.
Hospital. Amy chatters away to Colin about some school gossip, but then gets serious: "Now the only thing missing is you and me, which is why I'm here." She puts some autumn leaves into his hand and asks him to the dance. "You can say yes any time, Colin. Just open your eyes and say yes." Behind her, Ephram looks through the glass sadly. Much as I'm now looking at my computer screen.
Treat and Delia enter their house as he tells her that the question-and-answer session went great. "I have no idea who Doctor Drew is, but apparently I kick his butt." Hee. Take that, MTV. Treat notices that Delia's upset, and she tells him about Magilla's hot-and-cold behavior. Treat asks if she likes him, and she says that sometimes, she just wants to touch his shoulders. Treat: "Maybe we should see if Nina's home." Hee. But Stephanie Niznik wasn't in the guest credits, so you're shit out of luck, Treat. Delia asks why Magilla doesn't want anyone to know that he invited her over. He tells her that boys and girls are emotionally different, and while she might express affection by baking cookies, a boy might do so by punching her. I'd have something to say about Treat's gender stereotyping here, but he's going to have his hands full with Magilla's gender issues soon enough, so I'll let it go. Anyway, Delia brightens: "Really? 'Cause he did flick my cap!" Treat's face falls: "He did?" Hee. The phone rings, and Treat answers it to learn that Ephram missed all his classes. Treat says he'll speak to his son, and hangs up. "If he ever comes home." Zimbabwe or bust, baby!
Establishing shot of a diner at night. Amy finishes powering through her food and then thanks Ephram for coming with her to Denver. He tells her he didn't want to be in school today, "what with my dad being Porn King." My mind just went to a scary visual place. Amy asks if Ephram was the huge loser in New York that he is in Everwood, only she says it more nicely than that. He says he almost went to a dance at his old school, "the Winter Semi-Formal." He asked Gwen Stefani on a dare from his friends, "and she actually said yes." A woman of taste. He looks really happy at the memory. But Gwen bailed on the dance because she was sick, and Ephram didn't tell his mom because she was so excited for him, so he got dressed up, left the house, and went to see Rush Hour 2. Well, at least he saw something upbeat. I figured he would have chosen In The Bedroom or some other suicide-watch choice. Amy asks if Gwen wasn't really sick, but she was -- she had mono, and was out the rest of the semester. Hmm. Sounds like Ephram would have gotten both really lucky and really unlucky at the dance. Amy says that that proves he wasn't geeky at all, as he had a date with the prettiest girl in school. They share a nice smile, but then Amy notices the time -- 9:10 -- and says they missed their bus, and there isn't another one. Ephram: "That could be a problem." Indeed, you impossibly sensitive hottie, you.
Treat panics to Delia about his missing son, who ignores him. That seems a little out of character, honestly -- I think she'd be a little worried about her big brother. There's a knock on the door. Treat sort of pauses to brace himself before he answers it, which I thought was an excellent bit of direction -- you don't lose your wife like he did and not worry that the same thing might happen to your other loved ones. Anyway, it's Patch. "Wondering where your little hoodlum is?" He says they're going to Denver. Yay, a Patch/Treat scene!
And here it is, in the car. Treat says he wouldn't have pegged him for vanilla air freshener, and Patch says it's Rose's car, and since the show has made such a running joke about how they park to each other every day, I'd think Treat would know that. Bad attention to detail, there, and nary a Bright nor an Ephram to be seen. Treat says that that explains the My Best Friend's Wedding CD. Patch: "The CD is mine. I collect soundtracks." Raise your hand if you're surprised. On second thought, why don't we all get a little exercise: Raise your hand if you're not surprised. Treat says they should ask the high-school kids for a list of their sexual partners, to try to track down "Patient Zero." I'm not sure I understand the logic in that, unless he's worried that said patient is asymptomatic. Patch nervously says they should wait a day or two for the infected student to come forward, and Treat agrees. Treat doesn't notice the signals Patch is putting out here. Man, I think Treat and the SNL girl with no gaydar would make a great couple. They're equally aware of what's going on with other people. Treat asks Patch what he's going to do when he sees Amy, and Patch says he's going to ground her, of course, and isn't Treat going to ground Ephram? Treat's not sure -- he's just glad Ephram's all right. Patch: "For God's sake, don't tell him that! If they knew we were concerned, they would eat us alive!" Hee. It's true, Patch, old chum. Treat says he's not going to hide anything; he and Ephram are trying to build a relationship based on honesty and trust. Patch: "Really. How's that working out?" Hee. Treat sighs that it takes time. Patch says he knows Treat wants to be Ephram's friend, but what he needs is a parent. Treat: "How do you know what he wants?" Well, he doesn't, but he was talking about what Ephram needs, so zip it, Dr. Cocoa Puffs. See? I knew I'd rip that off. Patch seriously tells Treat that Ephram is testing him, and he's failing. "Do something. Be his father." As much as Patch claims that Treat annoys him, it's been clear even from the second episode that he's got an affection for him that he may not even be aware of, which makes the relationship rather compelling. Even Patch isn't immune to the power of the Treat.
Diner. Amy frets that Patch is going to kill her. Ephram opines that he'll understand once she explains why she went, but she informs him that that's not the way the Abbott house works. Instead, "he yells, I apologize, there's a sentencing of some sort, and then I plea-bargain with my mother until the sentence gets reduced." Geez, Amy, how many trips to Denver have you made? Ephram says that in his house, he and Treat both yell until someone gets tired. Well, I guess they both have a lot of stamina, then. Patch and Treat enter, and Patch gives Amy a big hug, totally betraying Treat. Hee. Treat looks like he wants to say something nice to Ephram, but Ephram just blows by him with an "I'll be in the car." It's time to step up here, Treat, because all Ephram sees when he looks at you is a sign that says "Welcome! Don't forget to wipe your feet!" Well, I guess he sees the beard, too. Treat looks miserably at a happy Patch and Amy.
Mama Joy's. It's closing time, but Edna walks in to find Irv drinking something hot. She asks if he's avoiding her. Irv: "Maybe." She sits down and confesses that Patch Sr. proposed to her on the Kissing Bridge, and she thought she had dealt with those feelings, but apparently she hasn't, because she misses him. She goes on that she didn't tell Irv because "you're not supposed to make me feel better about missing the husband I had before you! That's just...bass-ackwards!" Heh. Irv says she wouldn't be her without Patch Sr. "You wouldn't even be you without that nutter-butter son of yours, who I happen to know means the world to you." Now here's someone who actually reads people. But Irv, if you're that clued in to how people feel, what's with the monologues? Kidding. Mostly. He continues that he doesn't need her to pretend she didn't have a life before him. "I just need to put my arms around you when you're sad, even if you are sad over someone else." Awwww. Edna huskily says that that would be all right, and they warmly embrace. Sniff. See?
Doctors And Sons, Part One. Patch, in his robe, appears at the table and asks Bright if he has anything to tell him. It's sad that Patch is so sure that Patient Zero is Bright, especially with the whole "zero" part. Bright apologizes, but only over a scratched bumper. Patch clarifies that he's asking if Bright needs a medical test. Bright: "Can I get something from a scratched bumper?" Chris Pratt's delivery was so brilliant there -- Bright sounded genuinely worried. Hee. "Bright." It just never gets old. Patch finally says "STD," and Bright tells him he's going to let him in on something that may blow his mind. Patch looks like that ship sailed ages ago, but tells Bright to go for it. Bright asks if he remembers Elka from The Real World Boston. Patch: "I must have missed Boston." Djb, one shout-out, coming your way. Man, that season was boring. Bright goes on that Elka was "supremely hot." I'm choosing to believe that Pratt mistook an "n" for an "h" there. Anyway, Elka never "sealed the deal" with her boyfriend because of her religious beliefs, and Bright says that he and Elka have something in common. "Except my reasons have less to do with religion and more to do with the fact that my girlfriends won't, which is why I'm so done with freshmen." And women in general. Patch makes a TMI face, but is happy when Bright tells him he didn't want him to worry, and asks him to keep the information to himself. He agrees. "Son, this is the best talk we've ever had." I'm guessing so, in that "only" equals "best" sense. Then Patch is all, scratched bumper, and Bright leaves. Back to business as usual.
Magilla's house. He and Delia are playing video games, but they decide they're bored, and Magilla asks if she wants to play something better. Given the whole Kissing Bridge theme, I'm a little worried, but Magilla just goes to the closet and gets Delia to help him pull out a trunk. They open it, and Delia goes wide-eyed: It's full of dolls. Magilla regards her a little warily, as if he's afraid of what she's going to say, but Delia, full of wonder, just asks which one she gets. He says he'll pick one for her. Yeah, Treat, you'd better hope that Nina's home soon, because you are in over your head.
Doctors And Sons, Part Two. Treat's sitting in front of a fire when we hear the door close. Ephram enters and apologizes for worrying him. Treat: "What makes you think I was worried?" Ephram doesn't know what to make of that. I'll tell you what to make of that, Ephram: Your father's found his balls. Treat admits that okay, he was worried, but Ephram is grounded for two weeks, and that includes phone and TV. Man, that's tough. And no chance of plea-bargaining with the mother, either. Treat adds that if Ephram cuts class again, it'll be for a month, and Ephram takes the punishment like a man. (Hey, if Treat can do it, why can't I?) Treat says that Ephram missed the assembly. Ephram snits that Sue Ellen covered safe sex with him, but Treat tells him to sit down anyway. Ah, here's the real punishment. Treat tells Ephram that when he first became a surgeon, he had to perform a spinal tap on some kid who couldn't have been more than seventeen, and was good-looking, clean-cut, and had a wealthy family. "His name was Alfie. I remember that because it was so unusual." Treat goes on that there was no meningitis, so he went about his rounds, but he couldn't stop thinking about the kid, so he went back to see him a couple days later, only to find that he was already dead. "Six months and thousands of Alfies later, his sickness finally got a name." Ephram: "AIDS." Treat says he needed Ephram to know why he had to come to his school. "I can't afford to lose another person I love." Ephram, now a little unsteady, asks why Treat didn't tell him that before, but Treat says he has no idea how to communicate with him. "One day, you seem to hate me, the day you still hate me, and other days, you just...hate me!" You forgot about all the days where he hates you. Treat points out that it's not a lot to work with, so if Ephram could tell him when he does do the right thing, he'd appreciate it. Ephram says he can do that. Treat: "You're still grounded." He satisfiedly leans back in his chair, and Ephram regards him, with some of that hate changing into respect. Alchemy does exist after all.
Before I finish, let me just say how well handled I think that scene was. I was too young to be at risk when AIDS was first discovered, but I was old enough to be terrified of it, and I can only imagine how horrible it must have been for doctors who found themselves powerlessly losing patient after patient, so it makes sense for the experience Treat described to have had a lasting impression on him. Also, from a dramatic standpoint, it makes the Rinda storyline more resonant with respect to Treat. But most importantly, the message that AIDS is a disease that can affect anyone is given loudly and clearly -- while Alfie was probably gay, Ephram isn't, but that doesn't affect the urgency of Treat's warning at all. I don't mind PSAs if they're done clearly, without pandering, and this one definitely meets those specifications. Bravo.
Patch and Edna walk through the woods. Patch complains that he's running on little sleep, but Edna doesn't care. Patch wonders if Edna brought him out there to knock him off. They come into view of the Kissing Bridge, and Edna tells him that her first kiss and first proposal happened on that bridge, and she also told Patch Sr. that she was pregnant with Patch there. "I know you think I got on with things too quick after he was gone. I probably did. But your father's death, Harold, is what made me realize more than ever just how valuable our one shot at life is, and I didn't want to miss a second more of it." She tells him she loved his father very much, and then reaches for a small detonator she'd left in the tree to her. She turns the device, and the Kissing Bridge blows up rather spectacularly. Patch asks what the hell she's doing. Edna: "Grieving." Aw. Patch gets this goofy "okay, that was awesome" grin on his face, and once again, I am mirroring the look. Edna puts a hand on Patch's shoulder as Irv tells us that people still tell the story of the Kissing Bridge. "Only now, when they do, the ending is a lot more exciting."