By AB Chao
We open at Peak County High. Rocking music plays as Ephram does The Newly-Screwed Strut through the halls. It's cute as hell. Irv tells us, "The speed and direction of our path through life are pretty good measures of our age: we race headlong through childhood, never looking back, wanting it to end as quickly as possible. As we get older, we occasionally slow down long enough to look around and savor certain moments. It's a sure sign of growing up." Ephram is feeling cocky enough to shout, "Whassup, boys?" to a group of unattractive athletes. They give him the stink-eye anyway. He tells Amy Abbott to smile. Hee. Finally, Ephram saunters up to his partner-in-hormones, Bright "Dense But Hot" Abbott. They're all high fives and "Master of the Universe" testosterone-fueled chatter. Ephram ruins it all for Bright by talking about his feelings, saying he didn't think he could like Madison any more, but he does, and he didn't know he could feel this way. Bright: "Well, I don't think I used the word 'feel.' I might have used the word 'feel up…'" Ephram then compares it to how he felt when Return of the King came out -- he never thought it could be better than the first or second movies, but it was! Bright is totally lost. He tells Ephram to pace himself; it's a marathon, not a sprint. Ephram doesn't listen, and goes off to do more strutting. Irv says, "It's only in our twilight years, when our pace has slowed, and the race is nearing the end, that we spend most of our time looking backwards. And we wonder why we were ever in such a hurry." Credits.
Will Cleveland's house. Vader is back! Ephram is playing jazz on the piano, and Vader actually smiles, saying he doesn't know what's got into Ephram. Well, we all know what got into Madison, now, don't we? Ephram says he's been practicing, and things have been pretty good for him lately. Vader tells him to put his money where his mouth is; he wants to enter Ephram in a jazz competition in Boulder that weekend. Ephram doesn't wanna, and says he already has plans. Vader: "You can leave the girl for one weekend." Busted! Ephram's all, "Girl? What girl?" Vader tells Ephram he's about as subtle as a baboon's ass, and the only other thing that affects a man's playing like it has Ephram's is heartbreak. He tells Ephram that he doesn't have time for dilettantes, and if he were serious about music, he'd go to Boulder. Ephram demurs, saying he'd much rather spend his weekend with jazz geeks than making out with his hot girlfriend. "Hot"? Vader tells Ephram to get back to practicing. As he does, the doorbell rings. Ephram asks Vader if he wants to get the door. Vader doesn't hear it. It rings again, and Ephram asks him again if he wants to get the doorbell. Vader: "That'll keep. Play." Oh, no! I hope you know sign language, Luke.
Amy and Laynie are studying for the SATs at Edna's. Two Laynies in a row? What have we done to deserve this? Amy decides she'd rather talk about her crackhead boyfriend. Laynie says she thought Amy had already decided to break up with him. Amy says she needs one more thing in the "con" column. Laynie: "Let's see, did you put 'big fat liar' in the 'con' column?'" Heh. Amy, for reasons unknown, is still unsure. Laynie points out that Eyebrows lied, then lied some more, and only came clean after he was caught. Amy apparently thinks this is hot, and uses his sad background as an excuse for his behavior. She says he's just "damaged." Laynie says that Eyebrows isn't a Social Studies project, and the decision should be simple: If she spends more time questioning the relationship than being happy in it, it's time to bail. She says the break-up has to be quick and dirty, because Amy isn't strong enough to handle all the begging that Eyebrows is sure to do. Amy says she is, too, strong! Laynie reminds her that she put "damaged" in the "pro" column. God.
Brown House. Rinda and Treat are fixing dinner, while Rinda tells Treat stories about her childhood with Patch. She says that Patch's favorite thing to do was perform Tom Jones's "Delilah" for company. Hee. Ephram comes in and asks Treat if he's interested in going to Boulder that weekend. Treat's all excited about the jazz competition; of course he wants to go! But Delia has a school project to do, so he says he'll call Nina. Of course. Rinda offers to keep Delia instead. Treat warns her that she might not know what she's getting into, and she has to make a diorama for a book. "Something about nimrods, or nimrats?" Oh, come on. Treat doesn't know about Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH? Well, at least Rinda knows. She says it's one of her favorite books, and she and Delia will have a great time. Treat says he just needs to talk to Delia. At this moment, Delia walks in all, "Talk about what?" Treat asks her how she would feel about Rinda keeping her over the weekend and helping with her project. Delia isn't sure, until she finds out that Brittany can still come over. Rinda says she's really good at dioramas, too. Delia: "I guess it's okay." She walks out. Rinda leans over to Treat and says, "Remind me again what a diorama is?" Aw.
Amy meets Eyebrows in the restaurant they always seem to be in. Eyebrows sits down and asks her what she wanted to talk to him about. Amy looks like she didn't bathe in honor of the occasion. Before Amy can say anything, Eyebrows's phone rings. Or his Blackberry, or whatever dealers are carrying around these days. He stops it from ringing. Amy says she feels like something got off track with them a while ago, and she doesn't know what to do. Eyebrows gets another call. Damn, that's annoying. Amy tries to go on, saying they've been fighting, but nothing gets resolved, and she doesn't understand the fights…or him. She says that things make her wonder what's going on. Another ring. Amy: "Like that! I don't know what that is!" Eyebrows says it's work -- they want him to take another shift. Amy says that now she's just neurotic, which she should be, because that fucking phone is making me jump out of my skin. Eyebrows tells Amy that the last thing he wants is for her to be sad, and if their relationship isn't working, maybe they should just stop it. Amy's face is like, "Wait, I was breaking up with YOU! What's happening?" She agrees with Eyebrows that they probably should. Eyebrows then kisses her on the head, and leaves as fast as he can. Amy just sits there, shocked at how easy that was.
Cut to Ephram and Bucky, who are making candles at her house and chatting about their weekends. Madison and her band have a "gig" anyway, so she's not that upset about Ephram being gone. She says they'll both kick ass at their respective things, then get together and talk about it after. This pleases Ephram so much that he kisses Madison, knocking over one of the candles in the process. They giggle about the wax all over the rug, and Madison says her roommate is going to kill Ephram. Ephram says he'll tell Carrie that Madison did it, and they giggle and kiss some more. Puke. When they finally stop kissing, Ephram tells Madison he loves her. Oh, man. Madison responds by kissing him again, and says she's going to get the iron for the candle wax. Ephram knows he's screwed, and not in the good way. Commercials.
We come back to Treat, Ephram, Vader, and Bright traveling to Boulder. Vader's riding shotgun, and looking grouchier than ever. Bright says he's got a song to sing, and starts doing some awful beat-boxing. "Aw, cruisin' down to Boulder in a SUV, we got Will, Doc Brown, Eph-ram, and me…" Vader interrupts Bright's masterpiece: "Who are you again?" Hee. Bright says, "Uh, uh…I'm from…I'm Bright?" Vader: "Doubt that. If I'd known we were bringing pets, I'd have brought Oscar." Aw, Bright is a good pet. They stop at a gas station. Treat gets out to "fill 'er up," and Vader wants some fresh air. Inside the car, Ephram asks Bright how bad it is. Bright says it's not good. "I mean, I knew you were in trouble when you started in with that whole Lord of the Rings thing." Heh. Ephram says he didn't even mean to say it, it just slipped out. Bright asks what Madison did. Ephram: "Well, she kissed me back, and got an iron." Bright tells Ephram that he broke Cardinal Rule Number One, which is never to say "I love you" first. Ephram starts to freak out, he screwed everything up, it can never be fixed. Bright says all they need to do is counterbalance his mistake -- by picking up some Boulder babes, then calling Madison, so she can hear all the girls in the background. Ephram, along with the rest of the world, thinks this is a bad plan. He tells Bright, "I think we've stumbled onto the reason you've never had a girlfriend for more than 48 hours."
Outside the car, Treat tries to bond with Vader. He asks after Vader's arm, and says they were all pretty worried about him out at the mine that day. Vader: "I already thanked you for what you did. Don't be fishing for more." Heh. Treat's about as subtle as his son is. Treat tries to talk some more, and Vader says if Treat tells another story, he's walking the rest of the way. A truck speeds into the gas station, nearly taking Vader out. Vader, of course, doesn't hear the truck or its squealing brakes, alerting Treat to the fact that something is wrong with Vader's hearing. Vader's all, "Hell." He goes in the store to get some "Pepto," which he needs to counteract Treat's driving. Treat yells after Vader to get him a tea while he's in the store. Vader keeps on walking. We get it.
Rinda, Delia, and Brittany, at Diorama Disaster Central. Sand and paint are all over the place, and Brittany spills a cup of paint on the diorama. Delia gets upset. Rinda tries to fix it, and Delia whines, "Nooooo! You just made it worse!" Oh, Rinda. I have never had more sympathy for you. She apologizes, and Brittany and Delia start bickering about how they should build the diorama. Rinda suggests an ice cream sundae break, which is probably about the worst idea she could have had. Feeding sugar to already tired children always ends badly, people. Brittany says she doesn't want bananas. Delia says it's not a sundae without bananas. Brittany: "Who are you, Queen of Sundaes?" Delia: "This is America, we don't have queens." Run for cover, Rinda.
Cut to Edna's. Amy's all upset about the break-up. Laynie, looking cuter than ever in a gray sweater and red headband -- which I only point out because I am wearing a nearly identical outfit, which means that I myself am cuter than ever, thank you very much -- says that Amy has "seller's remorse" -- after a break-up, you tend to focus only on the good things about the other person. Amy sprawls on the bed and covers her face with a pillow in frustration. Laynie reassures her that she did the right thing. Amy says that Eyebrows didn't even put up a fight. Laynie says it's probably a blessing in disguise, since now she and her parents can maybe reconcile. Amy says she doesn't want her parents to think she just broke up with Eyebrows so she could go home. Laynie doesn't see what's so bad about that; if she could bring her parents back to the land of the living, she'd do it in a heartbeat. Aw, poor Laynie. Amy gets it, sort of. She tells Laynie she's right, puts her head on her friend's shoulder, and says she doesn't know what she'd do without her.
Ephram and Bright are in their hotel room, getting ready to go hang out with some "jazz groupies." Bright wants to know if they like cologne, or if they're more into the "au naturel vibe." Hee. Ephram's just worried about Madison; he says he knows Madison, and right now she's pacing around her apartment, on the phone with her girlfriends, crying, hysterical, worried about how things got so out of control. "I've made her pace and cry. This is bad." Bright tells Ephram that he can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Ephram continues to lose his shit, and says he has to drive back to Everwood and talk to Madison in person. Bright thinks this is ridiculous, and tells Ephram to just get some rest. Ephram says he can drive all night, see Madison, and be back in time for the recital. Bright: "Dude, this whole whipped lapdog thing is not a good idea." Amen, brother. Ephram says he's going. Bright's all, "But…what about this reception? We're supposed to pick up some girls. I'm a drummer!" Ephram tells Bright to cover for him, and leaves. Ephram is out of control, and as dumb as Bright's ideas are sometimes, pretending to be a drummer is about a hundred times smarter than Ephram's plan.
Back at the Brown house, Brittany and Delia are still fighting about the stupid diorama. Rinda is lying on the couch with a towel on her head. You're going to need more than that to survive this weekend, Rinda. May I suggest a nice cocktail? Rinda pleads with the girls to quit fighting. They don't. The phone rings, and it's Treat. As Rinda tries to talk to him, Delia and Brittany start chasing each other around the house, screaming about the diorama. Treat starts talking about Ephram, and is interrupted by Delia screaming bloody murder as she runs through the house with her diorama. I'm really sick of the word "diorama." Brittany follows in hot pursuit, screaming just as loud. Treat: "What was that?" Rinda holds the phone out and screams herself. "That's it, girls! Really use the lungs to clear out the rechaka!" She tells Treat that she's teaching the girls primal scream therapy. Hee! Treat says he's sorry to miss all the fun. Rinda says she has to go, and tells the girls to sit down NOW. Finally. Those little wenches need a time-out. Rinda tries to reason with them. She instructs them to tell her what happened, one at a time. Brittany: "She put sand in my paint!" Delia: "SHE put PAINT in my SAND." Brittany complains that Delia called her a banana-hater. Delia says she didn't. This starts the time-honored "Did not! Did too!" fighting method. Rinda has to yell at them to stop. She tells them that they're best friends, and best friends don't fight over everything. She tells Delia that you don't have to have bananas in a sundae, and maybe you can put sand down before painting the walls. Brittany smirks. Delia asks Rinda whose side she's on. Rinda says she's not on anyone's side. Delia: "Yes, you are. You're on Brittany's side. But you're my dad's girlfriend, and you should be taking my side!" She stomps out. Brittany says she wants to go home, like, right now.
Cut back to Amy and Laynie, who are walking to the car. Tommy walks up just as they're leaving. He looks like shit, if by "shit" you mean "a vampire." His face is stark white. Seriously, who did this guy's makeup? Is he studying to become a geisha? Amy asks him if he's okay. Of course he isn't, Amy. He's high on the lead-based paint that's slathered on his face. Eyebrows asks Amy if he can talk to her for a minute. Laynie tells Amy that she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. Amy says it's fine, and tells Laynie she'll meet her at the movie. Laynie's like, "Whatever, short bus." Amy tells Tommy that he looks really pale, and asks him what color foundation he's using in case she ever decides to become a mime. He tells Amy that he really needs her, and doesn't want to break up, after all. He says everything he said the day before was just an act. He tells her that he messed up, too. Amy: "What did you do?" Eyebrows: "I was just so miserable! I didn't care what happened to me, not without you." Lord. Shut up, Eyebrows. Amy asks him if he's on something right now. Eyebrows bows his head, as it is too heavy for him to hold up with all the makeup on it. Amy can't believe it. Eyebrows slurs that he needs Amy, and she's the only reason he's stayed clean, and he just wants one more chance for them to be together. Amy doesn't say anything, and we all know she's totally going to take him back. I hope you have some good makeup remover, Abbott.
Ephram's made it back to Everwood. He stands outside Madison's house, looking in the window. Madison and all her band friends are living it up, drinking beer and toasting to their band, "Joe Lies." Isn't that an actual band name, or a song, or something? Ephram is heartbroken that Madison clearly isn't pacing and crying, and leaves without knocking on the door. Serves you right, Codependent Boy. Commercials.
Brown House. It's the morning, and Rinda puts the diorama on the counter for Delia to see as she's pouring herself some orange juice. It looks awesome. Delia is obviously torn between loving the diorama and being a cheater, but she takes the high road. She asks Rinda, "Did you do this?" Rinda: "I don't know, maybe the rats of NIMH snuck in last night." Oh, Rinda. Nice try. Delia's all, "It's cheating! You made me a cheater!" Rinda says she didn't mean it that way, and tries to apologize. Delia runs off yelling that she wants her dad.
Cut immediately to Rinda banging on Nina's door. Nina asks her what's wrong. Rinda says she's the worst babysitter in the history of the world. Nina asks where Delia is. Rinda: "In her room…oh my God, am I not supposed to leave the house?" She's trying so hard. Nina says that Delia will last ten minutes, and invites Rinda in. Nina reassures Rinda that everything will be fine; no limbs were lost, no one lost an eye. And we all know that it's fun and games until somebody loses one of those. Rinda says she doesn't want to do battle, and there's no reason for it. Nina: "That's right, there's no reason, because she's ten. They're pretty much pre-rational at that age -- all guts and heart and tear ducts." Rinda says she's not very natural at this parenting thing, and doesn't know how Nina and Treat make it look so easy. Nina reminds Rinda about the cast on Sam's arm, and says that Treat has been to her for advice more times than she can remember. Rinda says if she can't handle one weekend with Delia, it doesn't bode well for her relationship with Treat. Nina says Treat is with Rinda because he wants to be, not because he's looking for a surrogate mother for his kids. She reminds Rinda that it's not a test, but with Delia, on the other hand, everything's a test. Rinda says she should probably just let her call Treat. Nina says, "Just talk to her first. You'd be surprised how much a little truth can help. But don't talk down to her, because they hate that. Oh, and if it ever comes up? Always take Delia's side over her friends." Rinda's all, "Good to know!" Heh.
Ephram makes it back to his hotel room in Boulder. Bright complains that he had to listen to four hours of jazz music, and didn't get a single number. "Apparently you can't talk while people are playing. Thanks for the heads-up." Hee. Ephram just wants to go to sleep. He says that Madison's cool, but he, on the other hand, is not. Treat knocks on the door to tell Ephram that all the competitors are supposed to be on the stage for a run-through. Ephram looks like he'd rather die, but gets wearily up to go. Should have stayed in the bed instead of driving all damn night, Brown.
Laynie knocks on the door at Edna's. She tells Amy that going to the movies by yourself on a Saturday night is even less fun than one might think. Amy says she's really sorry, she thought she'd be right there, but Eyebrows was really messed up. Laynie says she was worried, and now she's kind of pissed. She should be. The Bangs of Thoughtlessness strike again. Amy says that Eyebrows was really needy. Laynie: "Did he finally do the begging thing? I knew he would do that eventually." Heh. Laynie is totally enjoying this. Amy doesn't answer. Laynie can't believe Amy got back with Eyebrows. Amy says Laynie doesn't understand. Laynie says she understands that he's a big lying drug addict. Amy uses the "screwed-up family" excuse again, but Laynie still doesn't buy it. She says Eyebrows doesn't have a minor personality flaw, and if six months in rehab didn't make him better, how will Amy? Good point. Amy says she's not going to abandon Eyebrows when he needs her most. Laynie says she can't sit around and watch this happen. Amy says, "You know, maybe this is the relationship I shouldn't waste my time on." Wait, what happened to the hugging? The shoulder-leaning? The "I don't know what I'd do without you"-ing? Laynie tells Amy that maybe she's right, and leaves. Good for Laynie.
Jazz competition. It's going to be a disaster. Treat and Vader sit in the audience together. Treat asks Vader if he thinks Ephram can win. Vader says he didn't sign Ephram up so he could win some dog-show ribbon; he wanted him to hear some good music. Treat tries to be all clever, and asks Vader what song is playing. Vader: "If you want to know if I'm going deaf, just ask." Heh. He tells Treat that his hearing has been getting worse and worse since the explosion caused damaged hair cells. Treat tries to make him have hair cell surgery. Vader says he isn't interested, and his eyes are still good. Aw. He tells Treat that he may not be the best teacher for Ephram anymore. Treat sits back in his seat, saddened by this MEOW of events.
Brown House. Delia pouts in her room. Rinda comes in and tries to talk to her. She sits down and starts telling Delia a story about when she was in a mud hut in Bangladesh. It is so boring that she forgets why she's even telling the story. Delia says it's okay. Rinda tells Delia that she's sorry about the diorama, she shouldn't have done it, and she probably didn't even do a good job anyway. Delia says it looked pretty good to her. Rinda: "You think?" Hee. She composes herself and says she knows it was a terrible idea, and she never knew how hard it was to take care of a ten-year-old. Delia tells Rinda that she doesn't have to take care of her. Rinda says she just wanted to help Treat out so he could spend the weekend with Ephram. "And honestly? I was hoping if you and I had more time alone together you might like me more. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I really was trying to do the right thing. I'm just pretty terrible at this parenting thing." Delia says, "Pretty much. But you tried, and in school, we also get grades for effort." Aw. Sniff. No fair.
Back at the jazz competition, the announcer presents Ephram. Just as I suspected, it's a disaster. Ephram starts to play his piece, messes up, starts again, messes up some more, gets mad, slams the piano shut, and runs off the stage. Nice. Treat, Bright, and Vader sit in the audience, proud as they can be. Commercials.
The road trip group rides in silence back to Boulder. Treat tries to make Ephram feel better. Ephram tells his dad to stop helping. Vader tells Treat to pull over NOW. Treat knows better than to argue, and pulls over into a mall parking lot.
Cut to the Brown House, where Delia is just finishing her own diorama. She yells to Rinda that she's finished, and to come see. Rinda tells her she'll be there in a second. Delia is too impatient to wait, and carries her diorama down the hall to the bathroom. Rinda is in there hurriedly downing pills. Delia watches from the doorway, and her heart breaks, but she's not sure why yet. Rinda walks cheerily out of the bathroom as Delia is backing away, and tells Delia she can't wait to check out the diorama. I will not be typing that word again, ever.
Cut back to the Browns and Vader, who are now inside the mall. Vader walks purposefully through the building as Treat and Ephram follow, trying to figure out what the hell they're doing. Ephram: "When they finally kick Bright out of Victoria's Secret, he's not going to be able to find us." Vader leads them to a piano in the middle of the mall. He tells Ephram to play. Ephram says he appreciates what Vader's trying to do, but he doesn't really want to get back on the horse right then. Vader says, "Whoever this girl is, she made you play your best, and she made you play your worst. Now go ahead and get her out of your system." He tells Ephram that all the things he's feeling -- love and loss, heartbreak and pain -- are all passion, and to use it. Treat can't believe this whole thing was about a girl. Hee. Ephram sits down at the piano, and plays some jazz. Treat watches proudly as a crowd gathers, and tells Vader that as long as he can make Ephram play like that, he can't think of a better teacher for him. I'm sorry, but except for the image of Bright in Victoria's Secret, that was retarded.
Amy and Eyebrows. They're at a fancy restaurant, and Amy says she didn't know food could cost that much. Eyebrows says he picked up a few extra shifts at the drugstore so they could eat there, because he wanted them to have a special new start. Whatever, shut up, I hate you. He gets up to use the bathroom, and his fucking Blackberry rings. Amy looks at it, and she's very relieved that it's from Everwood Pharmacy: "Change in tomorrow's schedule. Call Barry." Well, what did we expect it to say? "Change in crack shipment schedule. Call Manny." Actually, I totally did. Don't judge.
Bucky's house. Madison tells Ephram excitedly about her band's awesome new gig they landed that weekend. She asks him how the competition was, and says, "You killed, right?" Ephram: "There was definitely some dying involved. I sort of…didn't play." Madison asks what happened. Ephram fesses up about his little road trip, and says he figured he freaked her out by telling her he loved her, but then she was fine when he saw her, so he left. Madison says she was caught off guard when he said it, and she needed some time to think about how to respond. Ephram says it's fine. Madison says she wasn't planning on ignoring it, but she wanted to figure out how she felt. Ephram asks if they could just rewind the last couple of days, and pretend it didn't happen. Madison says it doesn't work that way. Ephram: "Could we maybe just pretend, for now?" Madison says they could do that, she guesses. Could we just pretend, for now, that this scene didn't happen? Awesome.
Treat is talking to Rinda how the weekend with Delia went. Rinda's clearly told some lies. "Really, that great? She even brushed her teeth?" He says that's Delia's favorite bedtime delay tactic, along with needing another sip of water. Lord, don't I know about little girls who hate to go to bed. "But I haven't brushed my teeth! I need more water! Just a little more water? I haven't taken a bath! I need to read this book! I haven't EATEN!" Rinda says everything was great. Treat says he's never gotten through a weekend with that kind of success, not without Nina. Rinda gives him a look, and she's busted. Aw. Treat: "Kids are a mystery, aren't they?" Rinda: "Crop circles pale in comparison." Delia comes in, and Rinda suggests -- as if the first time weren't enough of a lesson -- more sundaes. Delia gets all excited. Rinda tells them, "Three hot fudge sundaes coming up…with extra bananas." She tugs her ear at Delia and goes off to make the sundaes. Treat asks Delia what all that was about. Delia says it was nothing. Treat says, "Oh…secrets, huh?" Delia: "Yeah. It's a secret." She looks like she wants to tell her dad something, but holds her arms out to hug him instead. Wah! It's too sad.
We fade through four scenes -- Rinda and the Browns make sundaes; Amy and Eyebrows finish their fancy dinner; Ephram and Bucky watch TV; and Darth Vader listens to a record -- so Irv can wrap it up all nice for us. He says, "Sometimes it's easier to pretend things are okay than face a difficult truth. So we go through the motions, the rituals of everyday life. We hope the comfortable rhythms of familiarity will hold off the inevitable for just a little longer -- return things to normal. Anything to buy us more time. Playing pretend; make-believe; it might be something we never outgrow."