Thanks to Sars, I can actually recap the episode now. I hate TiVo when it records the Style Channel instead of my show. And here's something you might not know: Sars has five episodes of Beverly Hills, on her TiVo playlist right now, all set to "Save Until I Delete." And you thought she didn't have taste! ["Er…seven." -- Sars]
We open on shots of a house we've never seen. As the camera guides us through the rooms of the house, Irv tells us that it used to belong to a family who sold it so it could be turned into a retirement home. We come upon a room full of old people, who look to be waiting for something. They're sitting in chairs lined up against the wall, and Irv lets us know that nobody ever visits the people in the retirement home. He says that whether it's "spirits of the past or premonitions of their own future...something keeps them away." Perhaps it's the taste of the strained carrots or the smell of incontinence. I'm going straight to hell.
The camera stops on the "scary" image of someone's shadow, holding up a hypodermic needle. As Irv says that sometimes a little light shines in that dark, empty place, Treat steps into the frame with his giant needle, and tells one of the old guys that it's his turn. Oh, how mysterious! How duplicitous! What looked like something sinister is actually Treat, administering flu shots! Ho HO! Not. As Edna preps the patient for his shot, he tells Treat that he needs a refill on his Viagra. Treat asks, "How's that workin' for you? Any side effects?" The patient replies, "Happiness." Hee. Treat tells "Charlie" that he thinks holding off for a while is a good idea. Charlie claims that he can't deny the ladies. Ew. Edna ushers Charlie out, and introduces the patient to Treat as "The Honorable Judge Marvin Harris." Judge Marvin, who looks to be a little kookoopants, starts singing a song to himself. Treat asks him if he likes Billie Holiday, so I guess that's what he's singing. Judge Marvin says that he and his wife dance to that song every Saturday at the USO. Yep, kookoopants. Or a MEOW called Alzheimer's. Judge Marvin tells Treat that he's been married since '52, so seven years, and that he just started practicing law, but isn't a judge yet. Edna shoots Treat an "uh-oh" look. Treat's happy grin fades as he realizes what's going on. I can't believe it took him that long, personally. We all knew it the second old Marv walked in the door.
Treat tells Marvin to roll up his sleeves, as Edna walks over toTreat to exposit that he doesn't have Alzheimer's, but "standard senile dementia." She says it's gotten a lot worse since his wife died, and that Marvin was "Hal Senior's" best friend, and Patch Abbott's godfather. She says that it's heartbreaking to see him like this. Yes, I'm sure it is, but since I'm already going to hell, I'll tell you that insane elderly patients are some of my favorite stock characters. How much you want to bet that old Marv will provide us with some kookoo comic relief this episode? Treat tells Marvin that his shot won't hurt a bit. Marv suddenly grabs Treat's hand and says, "It does hurt. It hurts SO MUCH." Wha? Marvin looks scary when he's being senile. He tells Treat, "I killed him. There was blood everywhere. Dead and buried. So no one will ever find him." Treat looks scared, too.
All of a sudden, sirens blare in the background. Cut to the police leading Marvin out as Edna tells Treat, "NOW look what you've done." Treat says he called for backup, not a SWAT team. The police chief tells Treat, "Between busting Irma's dope supply and this, I might have to deputize you, Doc." Heh. He tells Treat that he just caught "Everwood's Public Enemy Number One." Fight the power! Fight the power, Treat! Police Chief says that they've been trying to crack the "Horace Hempleman" case for over thirty years. Edna tells him to shut up. Treat wants to know who this Horace is, and we find out that he was a handsome drifter who stopped in Everwood for a while. All the ladies loved him, all the men were jealous, he was very charming, blah blah. One day he just disappeared, and left nothing behind but an old shoe, stabbed through which was a knife and a note that read, "Dead and Buried." Uh huh. Edna rolls her eyes and tells Treat, "I told you we shouldn'ta said anything, BIG MOUTH." She walks out in a huff. Police Chief tells Treat, "Because of your tip, Everwood can sleep safe and sound for the first time in thirty years." Wacky Music of Mystery plays, and we go to the credits. I fix my first drink, because I have a feeling that this is going to WEAR ME OUT.
Treat's in Delia's bedroom. She's lying on the bed, and he asks her why she didn't tell him she wasn't feeling good earlier. Delia: "I'm a trooper." Yay, Delia's back! Thanks for finally listening, Berlanti. Treat removes the thermometer from Delia's mouth and tells her that she has a pretty high fever, and it's probably the flu. Delia worries that her dad will get it because he just "touched her spit." Treat tells her that doctors don't get the flu. Which means he'll have it by the end of this episode. Treat tells Delia to put on her pajamas while he goes to see if Nina can watch her for a while. Delia worries that Nina will get the flu, too. Treat says that he won't be gone long; he just has to go to the police station to "fix this whole thing" with Judge Marvin. Delia says, "The man you sent to prison?" Hee. Treat argues that he did NOT send Marv to prison. Delia says, "He's really old, isn't he?" Treat: "Uh...78." Delia says that he's probably going to die in jail, and that Treat must feel pretty bad. I love it when Delia's innocently snarky. Treat says that NO ONE is dying in jail. He gets up to leave. Delia tells her dad that he should probably get her some juice before he goes, because "the kitchen's really far away, and [she's] feeling really weak." Somebody let me adopt this kid. She and my seven-year-old would get along just fine. We have twin beds and I'll let you drink Coke after supper, Delia! Treat rolls his eyes and goes to get his patient some juice.
Cut to a town meeting, where it seems the whole town has gathered, including one "reporter" from The Pinecone. Mayor Rose is trying to calm everyone down. She says that she doesn't know much either, but that right now the Police Chief is taking Judge Marvin's statement, and he'll be processed accordingly. The "reporter" asks Rose if he'll be fingerprinted. She says yes. He asks if that'll be in black ink or red ink. Rose wants to know what that has to do with anything. "Reporter": "The Pinecone readers deserve to know!" Heh. I wish I wrote for The Pinecone. Brenda The Nosy Real Estate Agent says she bets Marv bludgeoned Horace to death with a hammer, just like in Presumed Innocent. If we have to do this with the pop culture references, can they at least be entertaining? Please see "Girls, Gilmore" in your handy-dandy Not Stupid Pop Culture Reference Book, writers. Rose says that's ridiculous, that there's no murder weapon, motive, or body. Patch bursts in through the crowd and bellows, "Or a MURDER!" He walks up to the front and says that the drifter probably just drifted to another town. He demands that Marv be released immediately, and that the crowd, whom he calls "fish-wrap tabloid consumers" (hee!), pack it up and go home. He says that Marv was his dad's closest friend, and that he's "mad as a duck" and can't possibly be confessing to anything truthful. "Tomorrow he'll be confessing to being a turkey sandwich; what do we do then, serve him at a deli?" A random townsperson says that Dr. Brown would never send an innocent man to jail. Everyone turns to look at Treat, who is standing in the back. Treat sheepishly says, "I didn't send anyone to jail! All I did was call for backup! I mean, help. Advice." Treat's so cute when he's in trouble. Patch tells Treat that he'll be talking to Marvin from now on. Treat says the least he could do was get Marvin out of the mess that Treat put him in. Patch says, "And with your help, he'll end up in the electric chair!" Rose tells the crowd that nobody can talk to Marv until the Police Chief is finished, and that if there are no more questions, they can end the meeting. The "reporter" says, "Yeah, just one more. Do you know if the prisoner will be getting a hot lunch or just a sandwich?" Rose holds her head so it doesn't explode.
High school. Ephram walks through the hall and sees all manner of couples hugging, kissing, and making out, including one extra with the ugliest hair I've ever seen. Laynie walks up behind him and says, "Nightmare, isn't it?" She looks really cute, in a red shirt with a her hair all tied up with a scarf. Ephram wants to know what's going on, and she tells him it's Valentine's Day aftermath, and that by the end of the week, they'll all be broken up. They talk some more about how, by the weekend, "the hall will be littered with [the new couples'] crispy corpses," and Ephram suddenly says, "So." Laynie: "So." Aw, the awkwardness! Ephram asks Laynie if she wants to do something on the weekend, and Laynie comments that Ephram is getting better at asking her out. She smiles sweetly at him, and takes his hand. They walk down the hall slowly to Rock Music of Lovey-Dovey Happiness. It's really cute, until Amy walks up and ruins it. Ephram immediately lets go of Laynie's hand. Ouch! I don't even think he meant to do it; it was like an unconscious move, but Laynie certainly noticed. She shoots rays of hate into Ephram's eyes. Amy, oblivious, hands Laynie a book and a letter to take to Colin in Denver. Laynie says she'll make sure he gets it. Amy walks off, and Ephram, also oblivious, asks Laynie, "So, about this weekend?" Laynie totally blows him off and says she just remembered she has plans. She flounces away to class, and Ephram stands there wondering what the hell just happened. You screwed up, baby boo. That's what happened.
Cut to the police station, where Judge Marvin is being held in an interrogation room. Patch and Treat walk in, and Patch tells Marv hello. Marv starts rambling about the Tonight Show, and Patch tells Treat that it's a good sign that Marv is commenting on current events. Treat asks him since when did anyone laugh at the Tonight Show? He asks Marv who the host is. Marv: "Steve Allen, of course." Wow, this is so predictable. I'm already sick of it. Waiter! Treat asks Marv if he knows who "Dr. Abbott" is. Marv replies that he's known "Hal" ever since he moved to Everwood, and inquires after "Edna and the kids." Good God. Marv leans forward and says, "I tried to do what you said, Hal. You told me I'd get in trouble...if I didn't get rid of the body, so I did. I burned it in the back yard. Dead AND buried." Police Chief says, "He did kill Horace Hempleman." Treat: "And he may have had an accomplice." Uh-oh. Hal Senior seems to be in posthumous trouble. I bet you Patch won't be having any of THAT. Patch looks around, stunned, while Marv starts singing that damnable song again, uncaring of the weirdness unfolding around him.
Brown House of Piano Virtuosity. Matthew Lansing is telling Ephram to play a new song by Beethoven. He tells Ephram that Beethoven was only a little older than Ephram when he wrote the song. Ephram says he bets Beethoven didn't have ten pages of algebra homework every night, either. M. Lansing: "Play." He's getting on my nerves. Ephram starts to play. M. Lansing barks, "Too slow. Faster!" Ephram tries to play faster. M. Lansing tells him it's still too slow, and bangs the cover down over the keys. Oh, no he didn't. You could have really hurt my boyfriend's fingers, you jackass. And also, shut up. Ephram stares at him and says, "You could have broken my fingers!" M. Lansing smarts back, "You're young. You'd heal quick." He shoves Ephram off the bench and starts playing the piece himself, perfectly. Asshole. Show-off. He finishes and tells Ephram he hasn't been practicing. Ephram says he was going to, but last week was Valentine's and he had a date. M. Lansing totally changes his tune (hee), and says, "A girl thing! That happens to be the one excuse that I'll accept." Sure, pal. Ephram tells him about Laynie, and they bond a little over girls. Except M. Lansing is totally gay. No, he is. He's got to be. Call it a hunch, or a blatantly obvious way of trying to make him seem interested in girls when, later in the season, he'll be outed fabulously. Whatever. Treat walks in with a tray, and tells Ephram to take it upstairs to Delia while he writes M. Lansing's check. Treat starts to write the check, and tells M. Lansing, who shall henceforth be known as "Big Gay Asshead," because I can, that Ephram played some hard piece of music when he was really little. Big Gay Asshead tells Treat that he wishes he'd stay out of the room during the lesson. Treat looks at him, taken aback, and Big Gay Asshead goes on to say, "I wouldn't want to muddy the waters with whatever issues you and Ephram have with each other." Huh? What in God's world does he think he's talking about? He's been to their house, like, twice. Treat says that he and Ephram don't have any issues, and hands the check over. Big Gay Asshead looks at the check and tells Treat that since the lesson went a half hour over, it's going to be fifty dollars extra. See? Big! Gay! Asshead! Treat jerks the check back and looks at BGA all, "You better watch your step, little boy, because I am Treat and I'll kick your little ass all OVER this living room." Commercial.
Someone's yard. People with shovels digging big holes. Patch and Treat walk up with the "reporter" trailing them, asking Patch how he feels about his dad being a murder accomplice. Patch tells him if he doesn't shut up, he'll sue him and his Pinecone faster "than Tom Selleck sued the National Enquirer." Heh. Treat tells Patch to chill, because Marv confessed to the murder twice, and he may be telling the truth. Patch accuses Treat of accusing his dad of covering up a murder. Patch says that he won't rest until his dad's name is cleared, "even if he has to dig a hole to China" himself. Why does everyone always dig to China? Why doesn't anyone ever dig to, say, Switzerland? The scenery is just beautiful there. I'll tell you this for free, the furthest my little brother and I ever got digging to China was about three feet and a giant ass-kicking from our mom for digging up her azaleas. Patch grabs a shovel from someone and starts digging furiously. He tells everyone that there's nothing there, just like he said. Except...there is! He plunges the shovel in one more time, and the Police Chief picks up something white. Human bones! Of course. Gah. What's here, folks, Briscoe and Logan show up with their badges? I am so not enjoying this little episode of Law & Order: Retarded Everwood Unit.
Cut to Ephram, with a bouquet of flowers. He rings Laynie's doorbell. Before she answers, he tosses the flowers into the bushes. He tells himself, "Don't screw up. Don't screw up. Do NOT screw up." Aw. I love him. Of course, when Laynie opens the door, he does screw up. She asks him what he's doing there, and he says he has no idea. I have a blue jean jacket exactly like Laynie's. That was apropos of absolutely nothing, but I just thought you'd like a little peek into my outerwear wardrobe. Oh, you didn't? Shut up. Ephram looks at Laynie blankly, then runs to get the flowers out of the bushes. He does a cute little toss so they'll be right side up, then hands them to Laynie. She tries not to look pleased, and Ephram asks her if they're still on for Saturday. Laynie says she's busy. Ephram: "I know, but you're not really busy, right?" Laynie calls him out on his uncomfortableness the day before, and wonders if he's embarrassed of her or something. Ephram tells her that he's going to mess things up all the time, but that she needs to give him a real chance to screw up. "I mean, I am capable of such stupidity, you would be wasting my talent to end this now." Hee! So cute. He begs her to go out with him, and that he's so terrible on the second date, she shouldn't miss it. Laynie asks where they're going. Ephram tells her it's a surprise. Laynie's no dummy: she says Ephram has no idea where they're going, does he? He admits that he doesn't. Laynie smiles flirtatiously and tells Ephram she'll see him tomorrow. She shuts the door and looks happy. Yay!
Treat and Patch are interrogating Marv again. Treat asks him if that really is Horace Hempleman in his back yard. Marv ignores treat and says to Patch, "Hal, is that you? I didn't even see you come in!" Patch asks him how "Peaches" is, and Marv says that she's fine, that she bought him the shirt he's wearing. Treat sidles up to Patch and whispers, "Ask him about the body." No, please don't, Patch. Please end this silliness right now, and we can all go out for cocktails. Patch says that it would be useless. Suddenly, but not suddenly enough for this to be over, Marv asks Patch/Hal, "You didn't tell anyone our secret, didja?" Patch says that he didn't. He sits down across from Marv and says, "Was it Horace Hempleman that you buried?" Marv tells Patch that Peaches adored the "fellow," and that she only had eyes for..."JIM." Oh, yes. Jim. Who is going to totally end up being some dog or cat or neighbor's rabbit, and not a person. And I didn't say that after I'd seen the episode, either, friends. Bet five thousand. Patch and Treat both wonder who the hell Jim is, and Marv continues, "I didn't mean to kill him, Hal! You know I didn't!" More Wacky Mystery Music plays.
Patch and Treat walk out, still wondering who Jim is. Treat says that the police can't hold Marvin, because there's no evidence that a "Jim" ever existed. Patch says that Everwood will still think his dad had something to do with it, and that "this town holds onto a juicy scandal like it was the Shroud of Turin." Hee. I did a report on the Shroud of Turin in the sixth grade, and I still perk up when somebody mentions it. Ah, the life of a gigantic nerd. Patch says that he couldn't handle it if his father's name weren't cleared. Treat has a bright idea! They will send Edna to Town Hall to cross-reference and check and blah blah, and find every Jim that ever lived in Everwood. They get all excited. Treat tells Patch to go to his office and start assembling the bones from the site, and that he's right behind him. Patch asks him what he's going to do in the meantime. Treat: "I gotta make dinner first." Good daddy! Fight the power!
Cut to Ephram's hands, playing at his lesson. Big Gay Asshead stands by, applauding when Ephram finishes. He compliments the playing, and Ephram says he's been practicing. BGA notes that Ephram got his "mojo" back. Speaking of mojo, a friend of mine has a company by the same name that makes super cute t-shirts. Great. Now along with being a recapper and unemployed, I'm AB Chao the T-Shirt Pimper! Ask me how! Ephram grins and says he has another date with Laynie. He says he's still working on where they're going. BGA, now a little too enthusiastic, tells Ephram he knows a great jazz bar outside of town called "Ezekiel's," whose piano man will rock his world. Ephram says he can't get into a bar, but BGA says he can put Ephram's name on the list. Ephram: "But it's a bar." BGA assholily asks Ephram, "Is that going to be a problem with your DAD?" Man alive, he's mean. Ephram manages to stutter out, "Nah. He'll be fine with it." Cut to...
Treat telling Ephram, "Over my dead body!" Ephram claims that he didn't even have to tell his dad, and Treat starts to say something, but sneezes instead. He remarks, "This old blanket must be full of dust!" And THEN places it on poor sick Delia, who's lying on the couch. Nice work, Treat. Choke your flu-ridden daughter to death on that ugly afghan. Except we all know that there's no dust in the blanket; Treat is getting sick! And he'll probably deny it for a real long time! And we'll have to sit here and watch it! Anyway. Treat tells Ephram again that he can go to the bar over his dead body. Delia cuts in to say, "I think this compress needs more ice. It's not very cold, Daddy." Hee.
Ephram follows his dad into the kitchen, and says that he doesn't want to go there to drink; he wants to hear the piano player. Treat says there's no way that Ephram is going to a bar while he's underage, and that BGA shouldn't be telling him to go. Ephram says it's just because his dad doesn't trust him, and that "Matt was right. You really don't get it." Treat starts to say something, and Delia yells from the living room, "Grape juice!" Treat says he doesn't get it, because Ephram is fifteen, and he doesn't appreciate BGA encouraging that kind of behavior. I sort of don't, either, but I do think that Treat is overreacting. If Everwood were in the south, Ephram would have already been to Ezekiel's, and to every other bar in the state. And no, we didn't go there just to drink. We liked playing video poker, too. Treat tells Ephram that they can make a deal: he can take Laynie to the bar, but he's going to chaperone. Ephram argues. Treat says take it or leave it. Ephram looks annoyed, but I think he'll take it.
Treat's Office of Stupid Mysteries. Patch is putting together the bones from Marv's back yard. Edna walks in and asks him, "Burning the midnight oil, Junior?" Patch says he's just diligent. He's drinking a Red Bull. Mmmm, Red Bull. Can I get one of those, but with vodka in it, please? Damn, where are all the waiters around here? Edna tells Patch that she remembers Peaches talking about a "Jim," but she can't remember who he is. She tells Patch that he's just like his dad -- couldn't stop something he'd started, or let a patient down. Patch says that "it's a disgrace that the Luddites in this town would besmirch his name with these ridiculous allegations." Patch talks pretty. Edna says that it's nice of Patch to defend his dad, but that he doesn't really need defending. Edna asks Patch if he really thinks his dad was involved. Patch says he doesn't know; he worked beside him for twelve years and still doesn't feel like they ever got to know one another, and that their relationship was a lot more formal than he would have liked. Edna comes over to help Patch with the bones, and he cries, "NO! This can't be right!" Edna tells him it's a pelvic bone with two halves. Yes, but when Patch holds it up...it's girl bones! What a surprise TWIST! Commercial. Fix Red Bull and vodka. Heavy on the vodka. Oops, no Red Bull! Just vodka, then.
Ezekiel's. An older black man is playing some fancy piano. Ephram and Laynie sit alone at a table. Ephram says, "Aw, he's just showing off." Laynie comments that the piano player is older than her grandfather, and she can't believe his fingers can move that fast. Laynie looks super-pretty tonight, too. She wears lots of red. I like it. Ephram's wearing a turtleneck straight out of J. Crew's clearance sale, but he still pulls it off, somehow. Laynie asks him how the heck he got them into the bar. Ephram says he's got connections, and that he's "all kinds of dangerous." Laynie giggles, and says, "I don't know how to break this to you..." Ephram: "You're married." Laynie: "No." Ephram: "You're leaving the country." Laynie: "Stop!" Ephram: "You're marrying Bright and then leaving the country?" Hee. Laynie says that she doesn't know how to break this to him, but he's not messing up their date. Ephram looks relieved. He says he'd try to kiss her under normal circumstances, but...the camera focuses on Treat, sitting at the bar. Laynie sees Treat, too, and says she's got them covered. She kisses him. Yay! Ephram looks at Laynie after their kiss, and it's clear that he was pretending to be kissing me. I mean, the look on his face just totally says, "Wow, that was good...AB Chao. And I LOVE that shirt on you. Kiss me again." Doesn't it? He says, "Smooth." Laynie: "I know. I'm all kinds of dangerous." Squeeeeeeeee!
Treat and Patch are sitting at the bar. Treat can't stop sneezing. He says he's not getting sick. Patch asks him if he even got a flu shot. Treat says, "We've never been around each other this much in a two-day period, and I'm starting to realize why." Patch wonders why they're at Ezekiel's, anyway. Treat tells him about Ephram's date. Patch looks around at Ephram and Laynie, and says, "Your underage son has a date at a bar?" Treat says he's chaperoning. Patch: "You've got bigger problems than just murder." Heh. Treat says he's just trying to encourage Ephram's relationship with his jazz-playing piano teacher...whom he hates. He says in their twisted family rubric, it actually makes sense, then orders "a water with a Kleenex chaser." Treat asks Patch what they've got. Patch says it looks pretty bleak, since they've got bones with nothing attached to them, and a perpetrator with no memory. Treat says he admires Patch for working so hard to clear his father's name, and then remarks, "You were right about Ephram -- I've got all the parenting instincts of a ficus." Did you also know that ficuses are terribly irritable and drop their leaves at any sign of trauma or movement or you didn't take the trash out early enough or...well, anything? It's true. I will never tiptoe around a damned diva ficus again in my life. They are the Whitney Houstons of the houseplant world. Patch tells Treat that when he tried to teach Bright how to ride a bike, he got so mad he made Bright cry. Treat says he's sure it was only the once, but no: Patch made him cry "when I tried to teach him how to swim...and shave." Aw! I love that Bright is mentioned, but I sure wish he were actually in the episode. We finally get Delia back, and now no Bright? Berlanti is toying with us, I see that now.
Treat's cell phone rings. Oh, mystery! There's an anonymous voice on the other end, saying he knows something about the murder. He says that Treat has something he wants, and he has something Treat wants, and to meet him at "the old candy factory in an hour, and bring your doctor's bag with you." Ooh, fun! What is the anonymous tipster going to say? Something mysteeeeerious? I can hardly wait! Treat and Patch leave in a hurry, apparently forgetting about Ephram and Laynie, who are sitting around giggling at each other. They're holding hands, too. Laynie says that she's having a good time, but the other day she thought he liked Amy. Ephram says that they're just friends, and that the majority of their time was spent talking about Colin. Laynie then drops this bomb on us: "It's so ironic, her being so devoted to him when he was going to break up with her." What? Really? Yes, really. Laynie says that he was thinking about it right before the accident, because Amy liked him more than he liked her. I'll say. She says that there's no point in telling Colin or Amy now, because Colin actually seems to be just as in love with her as she was with him this time. Ephram freaks out and tells Laynie that she can NEVER tell Amy, NEVER! Laynie says, "Why would I tell her, I'm not an idiot!" Ephram backs down and apologizes, but it's too late. Laynie knows that he loooooves Amy still. Ephram leans back in his chair, defeated, and they sit in silence. Boo! I don't like this!
Candy factory, presumably. It's icky and run-down and looks like something straight out of Buffy. Patch wants to know what he and Treat are even doing there, because somebody's probably going to kill them, too. He says they're like ants on a hot tarmac. They shine flashlights around, but nobody shows. Patch goes on about how they're dead meat, and then somebody walks -- er, walkers -- up. It's Charlie, from the flu shots. He tells them that he would have been there earlier, but it's hard to get around on a walker. He hands Treat an envelope and says he knows things the police don't, and he found something they overlooked. He tells Treat to get his prescription pad out. Patch tells Charlie that he's shocked that he would try to exchange information for narcotics. Charlie: "Who said anything about narcotics? Viagra, Brown. Two bottles." And once again: EW. I do not want to think about this crazy old man getting it up, not once, but twice in the same hour. More Bright, please! Treat writes him a prescription. Charlie leaves. When Patch admonishes him, Treat replies, "I wrote him a prescription for Flintstone vitamins." Hee. Treat starts looking through the envelope, which contains family photos of Marv and Peaches. Patch loses his mind and starts kicking shit around, calling Charlie a "geriatric shyster," and that it's a ridiculous waste of time to have to stroll down memory lane with "Marvin and Peaches." Treat says, "And Jim." Patch is interested. Treat shows him a picture of Marvin, Peaches, and Jim. The dog. Jim the Dog. Where's my money? More wacky music. I'm so tired of this.
Cut to Ephram and Laynie, on Laynie's front porch. Ephram says he thinks he broke a bad date record. Laynie: "Are you trying to be charming?" Ephram tells her he only is if it's working. She says it isn't. Aw, Laynie! Give the little fella a break, will you? He might be in love with another girl, but he's hot! Doesn't that count for ANYTHING? He tells her that he wants to be honest with her, but it's hard because he didn't even know he wasn't being honest until tonight. That was a confusing sentence to type. Laynie tells him that denial works in mysterious ways. She turns to go in. Ephram says that she was right about Amy: that he can't help it and he doesn't want it, but he still does have "a thing" for her. He says that he thought meeting Laynie would erase his feelings for Amy, but it didn't, and now he feels like a "total jerk for hurting [her] feelings." See, Laynie? He's so sweet! Look at that face. Laynie says that she's had a pretty rough year, and that he barely registers on her scale of misery. Ouch! That hurts MY feelings. Shut up, Laynie. Ephram says, "Barely register?" Laynie says, "Brother in a coma..." Ephram says he never wanted to be in a coma so much until he moved to Everwood. Laynie smiles and says, "This place can do that to you." I want to hate her for not understanding Ephram, and I want to be mad at Ephram for jerking Laynie around, but I just can't. I'm deadlocked in a boyfriend vs. cute girl contest. Laynie tells him that everything's cool. Ephram looks sad, but relieved. Aw. Commercial.
Interrogation room, AGAIN. Marv is saying how he hated Jim, and his wife couldn't take her eyes off "that nasty little poodle." I sort of feel the same way. Poodles are the craziest dogs ever. We used to live to not one, but two of them, and they spent the majority of their time yapping their stupid little heads off. Plus, the eye gunk. You know what I'm talking about; poodles and other yappers get it, and I can't bear looking at it. Call me thenthitive. Patch accuses Marv of killing Jim because he was jealous of his own dog. Marv says he didn't mean to, that he just backed out of the garage too fast! Treat sneezes. Patch tells him to cover his mouth before he gives Marvin the flu. Treat once again, and just as annoyingly, announces that he doesn't have the flu, it's just his allergies acting up. Ugh. Shut up, Treat. Patch says they need to continue the investigation. Treat says that since Marv ran over his dog, the worst they can do is send him to driving school. Marv says he had to bury the dog before Peaches found out. Blah blah blee bloo blarg. For the second time in my recapping career, I refuse to finish this scene. Aren't you supposed to take a drink from your fancy TWoP drinking stein right about now? The point is, Marv was burying the dog and found those other bones. Patch figures out how to solve that mystery. One funny part: Patch blows up at Treat and tells him to just admit he has the damn flu, for God's sake. Then, for some reason, the word "flu" helps him figure out how to solve the mystery. Which is not only not mysterious, but stomping around in jackboots on my very. last. nerve. And I guess I ended up recapping the scene after all. Damn me! Patch tells Treat to round up the press and meet him at Brenda's house in three hours.
High school. Amy finds Ephram in the hall, and asks him if she's seen Laynie. He says he hasn't seen her today. He says it sadly. He's wearing his super-cute "Brooklyn" jacket again. I still want one. Amy comments that he seems kind of sad. He says that's just his natural state. Amy goes on to say that Colin's coming home tomorrow, and she was thinking, since last time was such a "disaster," the four of them could all go out on a date again. Ephram says, "It was?" Amy explains that she was all over the place then, but now she's feeling better, and more normal -- for her, which is sort of crazy. But then, I'm also sort of crazy, so I can't talk, can I? EPHRAM, CALL ME!!!! RESTRAINING ORDER, RESCHMAINING ORDER! Ephram says it sounds great, but that he and Laynie aren't really going out anymore, that they just didn't "fit." Amy, quite insincerely and with a happy little grin on her face, says she's sorry to hear that. She says that it's hard to find a good fit, and it's like a pair of jeans. Everybody has one pair that they love, and wear over and over again. For real, Amy. I'm wearing a pair of jeans right now that I think I've worn every single day since I got them. I do wash them occasionally, before y'all go thinking I'm some kind of dirty girl. Ephram worries that his are Dockers. Hee. Amy tells him that he's not a Dockers kind of guy. She looks down at his jeans, and says, "Nope, you're Diesel all the way." Well. I'll just take that one as an untintentional shout-out, because my favorite pair of jeans, and the ones I'm wearing RIGHT NOW? Diesel. That's right, kids. My boyfriend and I are one of those icky couples who are so cute they wear matching jeans. Do you have a PROBLEM with that?
Patch Abbott is standing in Brenda's yard, telling the crowd about how a long time ago, a bunch of people got the Spanish flu, and that it killed so many people, mass burials took place in small towns like Everwood. He says some dates, too, but I don't know much about history, so let's just skip them. Brenda rolls her eyes. She just can't believe that Patch has dug up her flower beds. Patch says that if his calculations are correct, the biggest burial ground in Everwood is right underneath Brenda's house. She looks unbelieving. Patch says he's taken the liberty of digging a fresh hole in Brenda's yard, and with a few more shovels, they'll uncover bones buried back in the Spanish flu days, not "by The Honorable Judge Marvin Harris." Rose and Treat look smug, but Brenda says that this is ridiculous. She's so irritating. She says she should know if there are bones under her house, because she's in real estate. Um, what? I have no idea what that means. Patch tells someone to keep digging, and sure enough, "more bones." Ha! Brenda faints dead away. Rose tells Patch, "Nice work, dear." Treat tells him he did good, and he guesses he's cleared his father's name. Patch, looking more pleased with himself than ever, says, "That would appear to be the case." Thank God. This thing is finally over. But whatever happened to the real Horace what's-his-name? He left a shoe and a knife, and we still don't get to find out about him? Gyp.
Brown House. Big Gay Asshead rings the doorbell. Treat answers in his robe, sniffling, and tells him he's early. BGA says he's sorry, but that he could "wait outside." Smartass. Treat tells him coldly that Ephram's just finishing his homework, and to come in. Treat follows him into the piano room, and asks him if he can be blunt. BGA: "You're pissed about the bar?" Treat says he's certainly not pleased, and that Ephram is very impressionable. BGA says that he's not worried about setting an example, and that he doesn't care about Ephram's social life -- but he does care about his music. Oh, give it a rest, MATTHEW. He says he wanted Ephram to hear the good jazz guy play so he would get excited about music again. He tells Ephram's FATHER that Ephram is fifteen, and would rather get LAID. Oh, man. I wish Treat would kick his ass now, but Treat only says, "Right." BGA says that Ephram's really good, but there are a bunch of people better than he is, because they love music. Treat says, "Ephram loves music." BGA says he used to, but doesn't right now, and that it's Treat's fault because of their issues. What? WHAT? Shut up, shut up, shut up. Treat asks him if he noticed the tension. BGA says, "You went on his date with him. It doesn't take a genius to figure this out." Treat looks like he wants to say something, or possibly punch BGA, but right then Ephram walks in. He asks what's going on. Treat says that nothing is, and that Ephram is going to have his lesson, and he's going to go upstairs and slather himself in Vicks Vap-O-Rub. Ephram: "Overshare." Heh.
Cut to Marv's room at the retirement home. Patch is there, helping him get everything settled. He asks if there's anything else he needs. Marv says no, to go on back to "Edna and the kids," but he pulls something out of his pocket and hands it to Patch. "Give this fiver to Hal, Jr. Acing the finals the way he did, such a good kid." Aw! Patch tries to refuse the money. Marv tells him to take it, "and don't think I didn't see you bragging about him again at the golf course, making Bert jealous." He goes on, "I've told [Bert], we all can't have extraordinary sons. Some men are luckier than others. You were blessed." Patch looks like he might cry, and says, "Yes. Yeah, I was." He looks pensive for a moment, and I think my allergies might be acting up again. Patch tells Marv that he picked up a little something for him, too. He hands Marv a record. "Billie Holiday, is this her latest?" Patch says he thinks it is. Marv puts the record on and Billie's sweet voice starts up. Marv begins slow-dancing to the music. Patch walks out slowly, leaving the five on a table before he leaves. Great scene. Sweet scene. Best scene in the episode.
Brown House of Flu Patients. Treat is on the couch, getting mothered by Delia, who appears to be much better now. She asks her dad if he needs anything, and he says, "Some grape juice would be nice." Hee. Delia goes off to get it, and Treat calls after her, "Oh, and some more ice for my compress?" Delia sighs that her daddy's such a baby brat. But it's still cute. Ephram comes in and says he's going to pick up some food. Treat stops him, and says that he wanted to apologize. He says he should have trusted Ephram, and let him go to Ezekiel's alone. Ephram says it doesn't matter, because he and Laynie aren't going out anymore. Treat says he's sorry if he wrecked it. Ephram says he did a pretty good job of that all by himself. He says, "Dating pretty much blows, doesn't it?" Treat says, "You know, Ephram, when you meet the right person...nah, it always pretty much blows." Ephram laughs and walks out. Treat switches the TV on, and a newscaster is saying, "You all know how much I love those quirky small-town news stories? Well, here's the best one that's come across the desk in a long time." Treat watches with interest while the newscaster goes on entirely too long about Everwood's crazy, wacky, zany murder mystery. Treat laughs. We go to the credits as the newscaster drones away.
week, Treat gets all up in Ephram's grill. It looks like a good one. Anything looks like a good one after this.