By AB Chao
Warning: Tonight's all new Everwood deals with unplanned pregnancy and the important issues surrounding the subject, such as bad acting, conflicted bleeding-heart doctors, and Catholic guilt. Parental Discretion Is Advised.
We open with Patch and Treat going to some crazy Fred Flintstone Order of the Water Buffalo meeting. Treat asks Patch if they're accidentally in Istanbul. Everyone is wearing a red fez except for Treat. Patch tells Treat he's only there because "Joe Morris," president of the Evewood Brotherhood of the Bighorns Chapter, asked Patch to bring Treat. He says that when Joe asks a favor, you don't question it. Okay. Treat says he's sure there are more worthy candidates than himself. Patch shushes him and tells him to hurry up so they won't miss the pledge. Heh.
Cut to Joe Morris and Treat walking outside, after the meeting. Joe tells Treat he really wants him to join the lodge. Treat says he's flattered that Joe thinks of him as "Bighorn material." They walk up to some stables; Treat dubs them "very Poe." I have no idea what that means. Is somebody going to get walled up tonight? Can it be KateBot? Oh, speaking of whom, she's in the stables brushing her horsie. Daddy Joe introduces Treat to KateBot again, and tells her to get on inside so she don't catch cold. Oh, and Ma is going to give you a good talkin' to about putting frogs in Nellie Olsen's bed, Half-Pint. Treat tells Joe that KateBot is very beautiful and gifted, and that Ephram was envious of her playing at the recital. Joe says she has a great talent..."if she doesn't waste it." Daddy's mean. He goes on to say that she loves horsies, too, and used to spend all of her time in the stables, until boys came into the picture. He says it sort of evilly, though, like he needs to be the only "boy" in KateBot's life, if you know what I mean -- and I think you do. Treat says he doesn't worry about that yet, since Delia still thinks she is a boy. Joe says he didn't know he could feel the hate he does for "these guys." Wow. Treat says they can't all be that bad. Joe tells Treat that he wouldn't feel comfortable telling just anyone this, but "she took up with that piano teacher, Matt...this guy broke her heart." He whispers to Treat more evilly, "He didn't just leave her. He left her PREGNANT." Uh oh. Treat says he had no idea. Joe says he needs someone to take care of it. Treat stutters that he can't. Joe says that Treat isn't like the other backwoods people, and that KateBot's mom can't be involved, because it would break her little heart. Treat tells Joe to bring KateBot to his office the day, and that he'll talk to her. Joe thanks Treat, and adds, "I really do hope you'll join the Lodge." Sure you do, Joe Evillionaire. Credits.
Brown House Breakfast. Treat flips a pancake onto a plate and shouts at his children to come eat. Ephram, wearing the Brooklyn jacket that I've looked for in a tiny women's size because it's super-cute and I want it, to no avail, tells Treat that his domesticity is starting to scare him. Treat: "You and me both." Delia rolls in on those wheel-y shoes, and asks Treat to do her braid. Treat tells Delia to talk him through it. "Divide it into three parts," she instructs. Treat asks if that's horizontally or vertically. Hee. Delia tells him to put the right part over the center one, and the left part over the right. Treat: "The one that was right or the now-right one that used to be the center?" Dummy, it's not THAT hard. Delia rolls her eyes and tells her dad she'll just wear a ponytail today. The horn blows outside for her, and she reminds Treat that he needs to buy her friend Arnie a birthday present before he picks her up from Nina's. Ephram leaves, too, and Treat sighs to himself, "And I was doing so well."
Treat's Office. He asks KateBot if she was using birth control. She says she wanted to, but she was scared her mom would find out. KateBot sounds like Maya Rudolph's character, Megan, in the "Wake Up, Wakefield" skit. That is, a Valley Girl airhead with a side of hip-hop. "Buut I dinna want my mommm ta find oooout." I don't understand it, either. She says that Matt said it would be all right, so she thought it would be. Nice way to put the blame on your twenty-eight-year-old teacher boyfriend, who also should have known better, girlie. She says she hasn't talked to BGA, and he doesn't know she's pregnant. He also didn't leave a number, because he's a giant jackass. Treat sighs, and says, "Your father told me you wanted an abortion. Is that what you've decided?" KateBot: "Yeah, I guess." You guess? It's not like deciding between the red tube top and the white one (in which case you should totally pick the red, because you can see all the way through the white). It's an abortion, dumbass. Treat asks KateBot about her mom, and she says that when her mom found out about her and BGA, she nearly kicked her out of the house. Happy Mother's Day! Treat tells her that she could have the baby and put it up for adoption, or she could keep it. KateBot tears up and says she has to "do this," because BGA is gone and he's not coming back. "I'm too young to have a baby!" she clichés. She starts to cry. Treat tells her that he knows this is hard, and he wants her to take a couple of days to think about it. He gives her the number of a counselor who specializes in cases like hers. KateBot nods through her sad, sad tears. Treat tells her that whatever choice she makes will be the right one, as long as it's her own.
Nina's House. Delia and Nina are in the attic. Nina thanks Delia for "helping her." I guess they're cleaning out. I hope Nina is throwing away all of Stupid Carl's stuff because she's kicking him to the curb. Delia asks if she can look through Nina's junk jewelry. Nina says she can take anything she wants. Delia discovers something that makes her eyes bug. "Nina?" she says, as she opens up an old Penthouse magazine. Heh. Nina says, "What is it? Hidden treasure?" Delia walks over with the Penthouse and announces, "Uh...that girl's naked." Nina chokes a little, and says, "You've seen naked girls before in paintings, right? Artists have been painting women for hundreds of years." Delia: "Those are really big." Nina says that the magazine is for men, "mostly," because they like looking at women. Delia asks why. Nina says it's because women's bodies are beautiful, like a flower stem or a musical instrument. Rock, Nina! And, are you gay? She explains the way one of the women's backs is like a violin. Delia says, "So, men look at them to think about how beautiful they are?" Nina: "Something like that." Delia says that the magazine's neat, and they can't throw it away now! She suggests they put it in the hope chest with the keepsakes. Hee. Nina begrudgingly agrees. Delia walks slowly back to her spot, saying, "She's a flower...she's a guitar...and she's a bongos."
Cut to the high school. Cute Ephram walks over to the bike racks, where Bright is either counting on his fingers or talking to himself, or both. Ephram: "Are you talking to yourself?" Bright cuts right to the chase. "You know Spring Formal? Do you wanna go?" Hee. Bright explains that he's going with Gemma, but she can't go unless her cousin Sherry goes. And Sherry doesn't have a date. Ephram wants to know what's wrong with her. Bright says she's related to Gemma, so she has to be hot. Ephram: "You're related to Amy, and you're not hot." Bright says he asked Ephram because "since that whole Colin thing, I'm like a leopard with those guys!" Ephram corrects him, "Lep-ER." Man, I wish he hadn't. It's so much funnier when you don't correct funny things, like when my child sings the first verse in "Bugaboo" as, "You make me wanna throw my pager out the window / Tell him so I can cut the phone booth / Break my knees so I can move / 'Cause you a Bugaboo, a Bugaboo." See? Better than Destiny's Child. Anyway, Bright says Ephram owes him, because he took a punch for him. Ephram says he'll do it, but that's it. Bright: "Even Steven."
Brown House. Treat is loading the dishwasher, and tells Delia, "You know, you could really increase the productivity of these things if you were more thoughtful about your dish placement." Hee. From one neurotic to another, I'm going to have to agree. Treat suddenly remembers that he forgot Arnie's present. Delia tells him that she got one at Nina's, so it's okay. She asks Treat to help her wrap it, but won't let him see what it is, saying it's a surprise. So it's totally the Penthouse she found, isn't it? Treat plays a cute little "Guess A Ridiculous Guess" with her about the present, until the doorbell rings. It's Joe Evillionaire! He stares at Treat. He paces. He stares some more. Then he snarls, "I send my daughter to you, and you send her back to think about her decision." Treat says that KateBot has to consider all her options. Evillionaire freaks out about how BGA is gone, blah blah blah, no one can find out, blah blah blah, they had an understanding, men are predators, blah blah blah psycho-daddy-cakes. Treat says he needs KateBot to be comfortable with her decision. Evillionaire: "The question isn't whether Katie's going to do this thing. The question is, are you going to help her or not?" Commercial.
Treat's Office. KateBot waits in the front of the office. Feisty Nurse Edna asks if she needs anything. Kate says she's fine. Edna says Treat will be with her shortly. KateBot is trying to act sad, but it just comes off as boring. Edna and KateBot have a conversation about some boring blah blah, and Edna asks her if she came straight from school. KateBot says her dad dropped her off, but that "Mr. Randolph" is going to bring her in the day for her "procedure." She says her dad has a meeting, but we all know that Daddy just can't handle the truth. Fucker.
Birthday Party. Arnie starts opening his presents, and in true little-kid style, rips off the paper, gives each gift a cursory look, and tosses it aside. He's very interested in Delia's present, however. He opens up the box with the Penthouse inside, and flips it to the centerfold. Arnie's mom freaks. Delia looks sad. Aw! She was just trying to be nice! Even though she's nine years old and should know about this stuff!
Cut to the Abbott House. Amy answers the door to find Ephram standing there. He asks for Bright. Amy yells for her brother, then invites Ephram in. She tells him that his recital was great. Ephram tells her that she doesn't have to wait there. Amy: "Are you trying to get rid of me?" Ephram: "Yes." Ha! Amy says she thought that things would be better between them, given all the stuff they've been through. Ephram says he thought so too. Bright comes running down the stairs just then, to show Ephram his one-handed tie, "for easy access." He adds that his pants have Velcro in them, too. Hee. Bright is so obviously gay.
Back to the birthday party. Treat arrives to pick up Delia. He asks her if she had fun, and she says, "Sort of." Cut immediately to Nina's, where Treat is tearing her a new asshole for giving Delia a magazine full of porn and telling her it's a good thing. Nina asks to explain, and says that Delia found the magazine while they were going through her attic. Treat is fired up. "Even better, you just happen to have porn lying around!" Nina says it's an old one of Carl's, and Nina told Delia it was nothing to be ashamed of. Treat wants to know what he's supposed to do now. Nina says that kids need to know that it's okay to think about this stuff. Treat says that Delia doesn't. Oh, is brother in for a rude awakening. Treat says that Delia is young for her age, and doesn't need to be dealing with this kind of stuff. Nina: "You mean, growing up? That kind of stuff?" Treat says they can agree to disagree, but that Nina doesn't need to do "that" again. Oh, Treat. Don't fuck up like this. Nina tells him he has a lot of nerve, leaving Delia at her house all day, "conveniently" deflecting her questions, but never thinking to thank her. Treat: "For what, making her the Larry Flynt of the fourth grade?" Hee. Nina says, "For covering your ASS. You think Delia's not ready for this? Guess again. You're not. But you better find a way to deal with it because kids just don't raise themselves." I think I just fell in love with Nina. God, I can-NOT afford another crush right now.
Abbott House again. It's Treat at the door. Patch says he was watching the game, but Treat says he has a problem he'd like to ask him about. Patch: "Got you stumped, has it? Well, ask away." Treat explains that a young girl came to see him, and wants an abortion. Patch tells Treat to tell her to go to the clinic in Denver. Treat asks if he doesn't have some responsibility, since this is her town, and he's her doctor. Patch: "No. No we do not." Wow, Patch wants the world to know that he's serious about this. He tells Treat again to send her to Denver. He says it's not Treat's problem, it's the girl's parents' problem, and that secrets are hard to keep in this small town. Treat won't give up. Patch says that doing this type of thing, in this type of town, can get a man killed. He tells Treat to do the smart thing and send the girl to Denver. Commercial. Again, so soon? This might throw me off.
Brown House of Pornographic Sadness. Treat and Delia sit at the table, obviously readying for a "talk." Treat says, "You're probably wondering why I've gathered you here." Delia looks around the table, confused. Perhaps it's a meeting of her, Treat, and the bowl in the middle of the table. Treat says they should talk. He says he's not mad about the magazine, but wanted to explain to her why the gift didn't go over so well. He says that certain things have their own time and place, and then launches into a speech that makes no sense at all, because he has no idea what he's doing. Delia doesn't either. Treat tells her that lots of people are embarrassed about the fact that they want to look at magazines like that. Delia: "If everybody's curious, then why are they embarrassed?" A question for the ages, young Delia. Treat doesn't know. He says, "People are embarrassed because...these kinds of things are...embarrassing. I, for instance, am a little bit embarrassed myself right now, and perhaps you are too, simply because we've been conditioned to respond that way to certain kinds of stimuli." Way to bring it down to Delia's level, Dr. In-Over-Your-Head. He asks if she understands, and Delia responds, "Can I go watch Cinderella with Sam now?" Heh.
Ooh, Spring Formal. Slow-dancin' music is playing. Ephram sits alone, to Bright and Super-Old Gemma. Gemma says, "I think my cousin really likes you!" as we cut to a shot of the cousin mugging down on the dance floor with some random guy. Poor Ephram. He says he needs a drink, and walks over to the punch table. I wonder if it's spiked. Amy walks over in a brown vintage-looking -- if by "vintage-looking" you mean "hella ugly" -- dress. He tells her she looks nice. Colin walks up and assholes, "Don't I look nice?" Ephram tells him he looks ravishing. Colin says, "You notice your date's making out with somebody else?" Amy tells him not to be a jerk. Except he already is. Ephram says, "As always, this has been a pleasure. Love to stick around for a punch in the jaw, but I've got a date to be blown off by." Ooh, snap. I love my boyfriend. Colin and Amy go to dance. Ephram goes off alone. All he had to do was call me.
Cut to Treat's Office Of Unplanned Pregnancy. Treat asks Edna to unpack a box of supplies that has arrived, as he has "some reading to do." Edna makes her mad face, and tells Treat that he's acting just like the way men always do in Everwood -- men make the mess, and women clean it up. Treat says he really is busy. Edna says he's busy when it's convenient, kind of like how Joe Evillionaire is too busy to bring his daughter there for the abortion she's having. "Suddenly, he just couldn't seem to make time to give her a lift." Heh. Edna says she'll unpack the box because it's her job, and she doesn't mind, but she's not pretending that she's doing it for any other reason than that it makes Treat sick to even contemplate it. Man, the women in this episode are rocking my socks. Edna goes on to say that no one wants to get close to this, but the difference is that men have the luxury of walking away. Treat: "Are you through?" Edna: "Not by a long shot, but I've got work to do." Yay, Edna! Treat sighs, gets up, and tells Edna she's right. He says he's been stalling, and that he's always believed in a woman's right to choose. He tells a story about an in utero surgery he did a few years ago on a spina bifida baby, and it was a success. He says the baby was a person to him then, and that a 54-day-old fetus is a perfect possibility of a person. "Kate Morris has been pregnant for 62 days. I don't know when life begins. I don't even know if, for a scientist, that question is answerable. But I do know when it ends, and after this year, after losing Julia, I just don't think I can be the one to end it." Aw, Treat. So sweet. So conflicted. So good when you say your cheesy lines. He says he can't help this girl. Edna asks him if he talked to "Junior." Heh. Treat says he advised him to send KateBot to Denver. Edna tells Treat to talk to him again. They exchange meaningful looks.
Cut back to the dance. Some girl is telling Amy and Colin that Ephram's date, Sherry, only went to the dance with Ephram so she could see her pot-smoking boyfriend. Amy says she's going to go talk to Ephram. Colin asks her if she's going to rescue him every time. Amy says that Ephram is her friend. Colin says he doesn't want Amy sitting with some other guy, "whether it's out of pity or not!" God. Shut up, Koma Krazy. Amy asks him how he'd feel if this happened to him. Colin says he'd leave, and that Ephram is a glutton for punishment. Amy: "Whatever, I'm going over there." Colin pulls the ultimate asshole move: "If you go over there, Amy? DON'T COME BACK." Man alive. I hate Fuckwit Colin. Amy does us proud, though -- she tells Colin she'll find a ride home, and walks away, leaving his psycho ass on the dance floor.
Amy asks Ephram if the seat to him is taken. Ephram tells her that it's an Exclusive Outcast Table, and you have to have a special pass. Amy says she thinks she has one. Ephram: "There have been a lot of fakes going around. Who gave you yours?" Amy: "Colin Hart." Aw. I feel sorry for her now. Why, God? WHY? Ephram asks her what she's doing, and she says she's proving a point, but she doesn't know what it is. Ephram says that since the three people who weren't laughing at him have joined the "mocking hordes," maybe they could prove the point on the dance floor instead. Oh, my boyfriend is smooth, y'all. Amy gives him a little smile, and they get up to dance. Aw.
Treat's office, I think. Patch Abbott is there, and says that Treat picked a fine time to become a conservative. Treat says he's always had great timing. Patch asks if Edna told Treat to call him. Treat says he guesses Edna wanted Patch to lend moral support while he sent KateBot off to Denver. Then Treat says he doesn't have religious beliefs or any kind of moral stance to fall back on, just a feeling in his gut that it's beyond him. Patch says it's an impossible dilemma; there's no right answer. He tells Treat that his father lived in a time where women couldn't get abortions, or even worse, got them botched. Patch's dad told him that every town had a person that could help, and in Everwood, that person was his dad. When he joined his father's practice, Patch promised that he would take up that torch, and he did. His dad said that horrible things wouldn't happen to women on his watch, or on Patch's. Treat reminds Patch how adamant he was the first time he asked for advice. Patch: "I don't do this when I don't have to. It's hard enough when I do, and I'm terrified every time I think of what could happen to my kids and my wife." He says he was trying to protect Treat, since his kids only have one parent left. Treat can't believe what Patch has just told him. He starts to tell Patch what a good doctor he is, but Patch interrupts him. "Don't. Don't ascribe some altruistic, grand political motives to me...I made an oath, not to politics, but to my father. Have her come to my office tomorrow. After business hours." Wow. Patch Abbott. Man of the hour. I feel my second new crush of the episode coming on as we go to commercial.
Treat's Office. He asks KateBot if she's sure she's comfortable with her decision. KateBot says that she felt all this pressure from her dad before she even had time to think about it, but after Treat gave her other options, she started thinking about them. She says that's when she realized that this is the best thing for everyone, and for herself. Treat says okay then, and tells her that they're going across the street.
Cut to the high school. Amy's running track. Colin stops her, and asks her if she's going to apologize. Uh, what? Apologize for what, finally sacking up and telling you how shit is? Amy says she's chosen Colin over Ephram about a thousand times, and come to think of it, she's chosen him over everyone. She says that the people who love her, including Ephram, stuck by her, even when she was acting like an asshole. She tells Colin that Ephram was the one who told her to keep going on hers and Colin's relationship. "You're right, Colin. I shouldn't be mad at you. It's me I should be mad at. For not being a better friend to Ephram, because he hasn't just been a good friend to me. He's been a good friend to us." Amy walks off. I cheer.
Nina's House of Nekkid Women. Treat comes over and apologizes. As well he should. He tells her that she was right, and then notices that Nina has already set out two coffee cups. Treat says, "You knew I would come back to apologize? I'm that predictable?" Nina tells him, "Pretty much." Treat says he's been thinking a lot about Delia since this case happened, and that he knows nothing about helping a girl become a woman. Nina says that Treat is all she's got, so the best he can do is better than the alternative, and that Delia has Nina, too. Aw. Nina goes on, "You know, if you want to make it up to me, I've got this vacancy in my porn collection." Hee.
Colin's House of Something Bad Is About To Happen. Colin comes in from school and walks to the kitchen, calling for his mom. He asks what's for dinner. Nobody answers. Colin starts to get a glass of orange juice, and then hits the floor, convulsing. Mrs. Hart runs in, and starts to shriek, "My baby! My baby!" Shut up, Mommy Hart. Well, I guess we've got our MEOW for week.
The Cider House of Patch Abbott. He's finished with KateBot's abortion. KateBot walks out shakily. Nurse Edna asks her how she's feeling, and says that she'll take her home if she wants, instead of waiting at her dad's office. KateBot starts to cry. Edna asks if she's okay, and KateBot says, "I don't know. I don't think so." Poor KateBot. This is the only time I've felt bad for her the whole time. Edna leaves with her, and turns to look at Patch. He nods somberly.
Brown House. Treat offers to read Delia a bedtime story, but she says she's at the good part of the book she's already holding. Treat says it's okay, that he just likes it when they read together. He sits down and tells Delia that lately he's been wishing she had an older sister, because she's getting to an age where she's going to ask questions he might not know the answers to. He says that he knows she might be more comfortable telling things to a mom than she would telling it to a dad, but he wants her to try, and he'll do his best. Oh, Treat. Delia tells him he's doing okay, except for the braids. Heh. Treat gets up to leave, but Delia suggests they read "this book," which is The Last Unicorn. She says that he's only read it to her, but maybe she could read it to him this time. She pats the bed for him to lie down beside her. AW! Treat gets in the bed to Delia, and she begins to read.
Cut to the Catholic Church of Anviliciousness. Patch Abbott walks in and enters a confessional. Plinky Piano of Moral Ambiguity plays as Patch kneels down, closes his eyes, and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." Credits.
week: Ephram in peril! Wet Ephram! CALL ME!