By AB Chao
Well, hi there! It was such a nice, long, Amy "God, Please Just Shut Up, PLEASE, I Hate You" Abbott-less month. Everything good must come to an end. Cocktail?
We open pretty much where we left off in November. Crisis At The Abbott House: The Morning. Amy's run away, oh no! Rose shows a detective -- who resembles a younger and hotter Andre Braugher -- a recent family photo. He tells Rose and Patch that the cops are doing everything they can to find Amy, and he delegates busy work to each member of the family. Patch is to write a full description of Amy, which one can only hope reads, "Pretty. Blonde. Bitch." Andre tells Bright to make a list of people Amy may have contacted. Aw, Bright looks like he's been crying. Rose is the "telephone point person," whatever the hell that means. They all set off on their missions, and Irv voice-overs (how I've missed you, Irv!), "When the pressure's on, it's often the times of crisis that bring a family together." Rinda asks Andre if there's anything she can do. Besides look stunning in that winter white sweater? Wait. Did I develop a crush on RINDA over the break? Yes...yes, now it's coming to me...I believe that I did. Curses! Andre tells Rinda that she can collect Amy's medical records. Rinda's on it.
Feisty Nurse Edna arrives, and asks what the hell is going on. Rose is all, "Amy's run away! She's GONE!" Edna says, "Oh, no. This is all a big mistake." Are you saying that it was all a BIG MISUNDERSTANDING, Edna? Did I accidentally TiVo Three's Company? Edna explains to everyone that Amy spent the night at her and Irv's house last night, and is currently "4-0 and squared away, having pancakes with Harper." Hee. Rose looks like she wants to KILL. Irv tells us, "Pressure also has a way of exposing our fault lines, bringing to the surface things that might better have stayed buried deep below. Once they're out, though, they're awful hard to put back." The camera pans around the room, showing everyone's faces of concerned relief, and Andre says into his radio, "All units Code 4. Subject has been located." Plinky Sad Piano of Teenage Runaways leads us into the credits. Ah, theme song. I don't care how much Couch Baron hates you, I sure have missed your crazy violins.
Brown House. Ephram, Eeeeee! and Madison "Bucky" Poppins watch a movie on the couch. Ephram gets all handsy, and Madison says, "I thought we were watching a movie." Oh, Bucky, it seems that absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder. She accuses Ephram of actually inviting her over to make out, which he answers by kissing her. Ew. Madison reminds Ephram that they aren't supposed to make out in the house, and Ephram's like, "My dad won't be home for HOURS!" This is, of course, Treat's cue to bust in the door immediately. Ephram pushes Madison to the other side of the couch and yells, "We're watching a movie!" Hee. Treat takes no notice of this, as he is embroiled in a fight with Delia, which she seems to be winning. Delia's mad because her dad kissed Rinda in the tree lot,and Treat is doing a really bad job of defending himself. Delia yells some more, calls her dad a liar, and stomps off. Madison -- who in our absence has applied for the job of surrogate mother -- is all, "I'LL talk to her." Shut up, Madison.
Treat comes clean to Ephram about him and Rinda, and about his promise to Delia. Ephram says, "Let me get this straight...you went up to punish Delia and ended up promising her you wouldn't date [R]inda?" Treat: "She's very persuasive!" Heh. Treat says that he doesn't know what to do, and that Delia probably won't talk to him ever again. Ephram: "Well, problem solved." I love you.
Abbott House. Patch and Rose are interrogating Edna about Amy. Edna tries to defend her mistake, saying that it was late when Amy arrived, and that she thought it would be better to let everyone cool off, and then call in the morning. It's clear that Patch and Rose totally thought Amy had gone off to blow her brains out. Rose looks angrier than ever, and finally unloads on Edna, after Edna tells them that Amy wants to "see" her parents. Rose interrupts Edna, "Don't. I'm not going to sit here and be insulted, not in my own home." Wow. Go, Rose.
Treat's Office. He's talking to a lady about in-vitro fertilization. She tells Treat that her husband is actually dead, but that before he died of testicular cancer, he made her promise that she would go ahead and have a baby with his frozen sperm. Nice husband. "Yeah, I'm going to just check out, but you can handle being a single mother, can't you?" She says she thinks she's ready to keep up her end of the bargain. Treat tells her that he's a widower himself, and would be happy to help her. He calls for Edna to set up an ultrasound for "Mrs. McGinn." Mrs. McGinn informs Edna, "I'm having a baby with my dead husband's frozen sperm." Edna: "Right. We'll probably have to check the Medicare code on that one." Hee.
We cut to Edna's House, where Amy and her parents are having some sort of Congressional Caucus. Amy sits opposite her parents and Edna, and lets them know that (despite her claim that she wished she were dead TWENTY-FOUR HOURS BEFORE) she's totally doing better. She says it all started when she met Tommy. Oh, for fuck's sake. Patch expresses pretty much the same sentiment. Amy asks her parents just to hear her out. The camera keeps cutting to Rose, who looks like she just ate a very skeptical bee. Amy goes on and on about her savior, Tommy, and tells Patch that he acted inappropriately and embarrassed her at their dinner. Patch says he isn't going to apologize, which he shouldn't. Amy says all she can do now is hope her parents will forgive her. Patch starts to accede to Princess's wishes, but Rose cannot stand it. "Do you even KNOW what you've done? We had FBI agents at our house. We actually had to consider the possibility that you took your own life. And you have the gall to sit there and say WE embarrassed you? ...You are the embarrassment, Amy; your attitude, your behavior -- and you have the gall to summon us over here, like we've been granted some sort of audience with the Pope...this is way past self-indulgence." YAY! ROSE! Finally, somebody gives this girl what she has needed for this entire season. Amy's all, "See? I can't talk to you." Patch tries to say that what is important is that Amy comes home. Rose says, "What's important is that she take responsibility for her actions." Edna tells Rose that she thinks Amy is trying to do just that. Rose hits Edna with "Don't you dare talk to me. For twenty-five years I've sat back and watched you treat Harold with disrespect. I never said anything, but this is different." Rose is about to lose control, and I think I like it. She tells Amy that she can come home, but that the rules are the same: no TV, no phone, no dating "that boy. Come home and live by our rules, or stay here. It's your choice." Bravo! Amy gives her mother the brattiest look that ever bratted, but Rose stands her ground. She gets up and tells Patch that they are leaving NOW. Amy and Edna sit together on the couch, stunned. Man. Best scene ever.
Back at the Brown House, Treat looks at the paper for an activity he and Delia can participate in together. He asks Ephram what sounds better: karate or papier-mâché. Ephram says they both make him want to kill himself. He calls Delia down for dinner, and then asks Treat what the hell he's doing. Treat says they need to spend quality time together. Ephram: "You never did any of that with me." Treat: "Okay, how about you and I join the Everwood Men's Chorus together?" Hee. Ephram says he doesn't need to bond that bad. Treat finds an ad for a Father-Daughter Camping Weekend. Ephram reminds Treat that he hates camping, but Treat says it'll be fun, he's just not very good at it. Delia comes in and asks who's camping. Treat says that they are, this weekend. Delia says she's not: "I don't like you." Oh, Delia, you are going the way of the Amy. If Treat were smart, he'd slap it out of you right quick. But he doesn't; he tells Delia that they are too going camping, and that it's too bad if she doesn't like him.
Cut to Edna's house, where Irv asks Edna, "Woman, are you trying to give me another heart attack?" Edna says Amy's upstairs doing something in the bathroom that she thinks involves makeup. Irv's like, "We have to talk." He tells Edna that he knows she's in a bind, but that he already raised a teenage daughter, and has no desire to do it again. And by the way, Abbotts, way to put Edna and Irv on the spot. Did you ever consider that they maybe didn't want a poisonous blonde teen in their house day and night? No? Didn't think so. Edna says it won't be forever. Irv tells her that she messed up, and instead of spending her time justifying her mistake, they need to figure out how to fix it. Man, Edna's getting it from all sides lately. She says she was thinking of calling "Father Ivers," who baptized Patch and married him and Rose. She thinks that Patch and Rose might listen to him. Irv's all, "Call now!" Amy runs downstairs and tells her grandparents that she has a "school thing." She wants to borrow the car. Irv gives Edna a look, but she tells Amy where the keys are, and not to crash the car. Guess it runs in the family. Amy leaves all happy, and Irv hands Edna the phone.
Treat's Office. Edna tells Patch that Mrs. McGinn's husband are waiting for him. Treat reminds Edna that the lady's husband is dead. Edna says she thought it was weird, too. Heh. In Treat's office, the man tells Treat that he is actually Mrs. McGinn's second husband: he probated the first Mrs. McGinn's husband's estate, and they fell in love. Whatever. The point of his visit is that he feels weird about his wife's having this dead guy's baby, and that he thought that they would have kids of their own. He wants Treat to talk to her for him. Treat says he couldn't, but the husband tricks him into it.
Amy and Eyebrows are at a restaurant. Eyebrows asks her if she needs to "get back for fifth period." Amy says it's no big deal. Eyebrows is all, "You going bad-girl on me?" "Going"? I think she's already gone, Eyebrows. Amy says she has a lot more freedom now that she's living with Edna, which is all she wanted in the first place. That, and to get her way all the damn time. Eyebrows says that having no structure isn't all it's cracked up to be. Smartest thing you've ever said, Eyebrows. He then questions Amy's motives in going out with him; is she just seeing him to get back at her parents? (Yes.) Amy says she totally isn't. (Lie.) She complains some more about how horrible her parents are, and then kisses Eyebrows on the head. Die, Amy.
Treat's Office. Mrs. McGinn says she doesn't need a lecture about her decisions. Treat asks her to put herself in her husband's position. Mrs. McGinn gets angry; she says that Treat and her husband are totally ganging up on her, and that she doesn't appreciate it. Real mature, MOM. Treat says no one would blame her for changing her mind about her promise. Mrs. McGinn says that she's having this baby, and storms out. Shut up, Mrs. McGinn. Shut up, Treat. Shut up, Everwood. I need a drink.
Cut to the Abbott House, where Rose, Patch, and Bright are having a silent dinner. Patch makes the mistake of opening his mouth. He asks Bright how Amy is. Bright: "Well, I don't know." Patch says, "You didn't see her at school today?" Bright: "Yeah. She looked the same." Hee. Rose gets up and walks into the kitchen. Patch follows her, leaving Bright sitting by himself in the dining room. Poor Bright.
Patch tells Rose that he's going to get Amy. Rose: "No, you're not." That's right, bitches. Rose is in charge now. She says that it has to be Amy's decision to come home. Patch says that Amy isn't capable of making good decisions. Rose says, "The only bad decisions made in this family have been yours." It's getting chilly in here. Mmm, chili. Rose goes on to inform Patch that he has always chosen Amy over anyone else in the family, and that if he wants to break up their marriage, he can just keep on acting like he is. For God's sake, all Rose wants is some damn support, Patch. Get it right. We go to commercial as Bright sits in the dining room and listens to his parents talk about breaking up over Amy. Bet he feels the love NOW.
Treat and Delia are going camping! The scenery is beautiful. Delia immediately wants to go home -- she knows how bad her dad is at camping. Treat says it'll be great, and that he'll get to spend time with his number-one girl. Delia: "Why, is [R]inda coming with us?" Aigh. You were so sweet one time, Delia. They get on the bus with the other campers. The leader asks if everyone's excited. Delia tells him, "Only if this bus takes me home." Treat grins embarrassedly.
Brown House of Icky Babysitter Love. Madison tries to make out with Ephram, but he refuses her advances. Ephram is finally gaining some control of his senses. Instead of sucking face with Madison, he gets all mad that their take-out food is wrong. He's all, "Moo shoo pork? I don't eat that! I'm calling the restaurant." Madison tells him he's acting silly, and he says, "You're right. By the time I call them, the rest of the food will be cold. That's just great." Heh. Madison asks him what else is wrong, because unwanted pork can't be all, and besides, there's no chance that Treat will come back to catch them going at it. Ephram says that Treat will probably be back in an hour, because he has zero communication skills, not even with Delia. Madison says, "Did your dad talk to you at all about Linda?" Ephram says he doesn't need to talk, and that Delia doesn't get it, because she's younger. Madison says the smartest thing that's ever come out of her mouth: "This isn't about your age. This is about your dad dating someone for the first time since your mom died. You're not supposed to just 'get it.'" Brava, Bucky! Now go away. Ephram says he doesn't want to talk about it. Madison thinks he should at least talk to his dad about it, even if Ephram won't talk to her. Ephram says it's really weird, and that he understands that his dad is going to date again, but that he's not ready for it. Madison says that he can be not okay with his dad's dating, but still support his decision, and that he should tell Treat that. Um, why are they giving Madison all the good lines tonight? I need to continue to hate her. Thank you.
Back to camping. Treat and Delia can't get their tent up. The camp leader guy comes over and asks them if they need help. Treat: "You know, if I can clip an intercranial aneurysm, I ought to be able to handle this." The guy says, "Okay, but don't be too long -- the eggs in a cup go fast." Delia makes a face, and Treat says, "Did he just say eggs in a cup?" My sentiments exactly. Eggs are revolting. Delia: "I hate nature." Hee. Treat pulls out his cell phone. Delia tells her dad that he's not supposed to do that. Treat replies, "What are they gonna do, put me in camping jail?" Well, Treat, you never know. I ended up in recapping jail one time. You haven't known terror until you've seen Sars with a whip. ["If you know a better way to make recappers do things right, I would like to hear it." -- Wing Chun]
Edna's House. The priest is there with Edna, Irv, and the Abbotts. He leads them in prayer, and then says he'll act as a mediator for their discussion, and that everyone will have their turn to talk. He asks Rose if she'll start. Rose says that she loves Amy, but that just because they love her doesn't mean they like what she's doing. She reminds Amy that's it's punishment, and that it isn't supposed to be fun. Amy responds by fucking bitching about how unfair her entire life is. She says that her parents don't really love her; they love who they want her to be. Oh, it's so hard being a teenager. Amy says that she does deserve to be punished for all the stupid things she did, but not for Tommy. She then says, "I'm willing to give up the car and the phone, but I think that should be enough." Bright's all, "You fucking baby." He didn't actually say that, but I wish he had. The priest tells Bright he'll get his turn, and Bright says, "Do we seriously have to sit here and listen to this garbage?" Also, he totally never gets his turn, and it's completely infuriating. Let Bright talk, dammit! Patch tells Amy that he's always treated her like an adult, and that he shouldn't have. He says that he's jeopardized his marriage in an effort to maintain Amy's good graces. "When you say we can't tell you how to live your life, you're just simply wrong. We're your parents. That's our job. You want to live under our roof again, we're ready to have you. But you know the terms...your mother has just reiterated them." Patch looks at Rose and says, "And I support her." Aw. Amy rolls her eyes and grits her teeth throughout her dad's entire speech. Cut to Edna and Irv, who are all, "Say you'll go home, man. Don't you want to say something? Like, 'Goodbye, Grandma'?" Amy just sits there. Bright: "Unbelievable." See? Bright knows what a brat his sister has turned out to be. Patch thanks the priest, and they get up to leave. He tells Edna, "Good luck, Mother." In other words, "Please try not to kill yourself while dealing with our crazy daughter."
Cut to Treat and Delia, who have checked themselves into a hotel. Delia, decked out in a hotel robe, giggles and bounces on the bed. She asks, "Can we do it again?" Treat, who is wearing an adult-sized robe, grins expansively and beams, "Absolutely!" Then he jumps onto the bed with Delia, in a scene that is so sweet it just caused me to go into diabetic shock. But in a good way. As they eat candy bars, Delia tells her dad that he can't come here with "her." Treat tells Delia that he is going to have to hold off on making promises for a while. He says he can't make the decisions he has to make if he's scared of Delia. That is about the stupidest parenting decision ever, what he just said. Why would you tell your daughter how scary she is? Bad form, Treat. He says he can't stand it when Delia is mad at him. Delia says, "I'm not mad at you, Dad. I just don't want her to be mad at me." Sniff. Treat says, "Mom would never be mad at you, or me, or anyone else, and for liking someone else that wasn't her. Delia, when someone we love dies, it's okay to be sad about it for a while...but you just can't hang on to all the love that you used to give to that person." Delia: "Why not?" Treat: "Because love's not worth a whole lot if you just keep it to yourself." And, I'm out of control. It's non-stop tears, and I ain't ashamed. Delia smiles at her daddy. Treat says it's probably time for them to order another movie. He turns on the TV, and Delia says, "Driving Miss Daisy Crazy. What's that?" Hee. Treat tells her she wouldn't like it, and we go to commercial.
Treat's Office. The sperm has arrived. Mrs. McGinn is all excited, and says, "I hope we get his chin. He had a great chin." Everyone in the entire universe rolls their eyes. The husband can't take it anymore. He says, "It's like I don't even exist." Then he gives his wife an ultimatum: it's the dead husband's sperm, or him. He walks out. Mrs. McGinn immediately decides that the promise she made wasn't so important after all, and tells Treat that she won't be needing that sperm. She also asks Treat if he will dispose of it properly for her. That the was stupidest scene ever.
Abbott House. Rose is in Amy's room, cleaning up. Patch walks in. Rose asks her husband, "How did this happen?" Patch tells her that it's okay. Rose is second-guessing her backbone. No! Keep it! Patch tells his wife that they'll get through it. Rose, weeping now, says she doesn't know if she can handle it. Patch sits to her on Amy's bed, and hugs his wife. Aw.
Cut to Treat, who is ringing Rinda's doorbell. Rinda answers, and Treat says, "Hi! Can [R]inda come out and play?" Hee. Rinda laughs. Treat grins. He says he's actually there to ask her out on a date. Rinda's face falls. Treat adds that Delia's totally okay with everything. Rinda says that his kids aren't the only issue. Treat says, "I could get hit by a truck tomorrow." He tells Rinda that even though he knows the risks that are involved in dating someone he could lose, he won't let life pass him by without taking any risks. He just wants a little piece of ass...er, happiness, along the way. One date, he says: "Dinner and a movie. Okay, an expensive dinner." Rinda gives him an encouraging look, and they're back on.
Edna and Irv's House. Amy flounces by, all, "I'm going out." Edna -- who has used more military lingo in this episode than in all others combined -- decides to not give it a rest, and responds, "Hold on, there, Private. Where do you think you're going?" Amy says she's just going out to watch a movie. Edna says no, she isn't, not on a school night. Amy argues some more. Edna says that if she's going to live in their house, she's living by their rules. Amy has a curfew on weekends, AND she's going to start helping out around the house ("KP," of course). Amy says, "Are you trying to make me leave?" Yes, Amy. SHE IS. Go AWAY. Edna says that even though Amy thinks she is a thirty-five-year-old woman, she ain't: "There are rules in every port, sweetheart, everywhere you go." Amy asks if she can still see Tommy. Edna says she can, but that if she crosses the line, she's "confined to barracks permanently." Seriously, y'all. The lingo. It's killing me. Amy grudgingly obeys her grandmother.
Cut to a gorgeous mountain scene. Treat and Ephram hike up the mountain. Treat says, "This is the spot." Ephram says, "So, she just wants you to hurl it over. Isn't there some law about throwing sperm in a national forest?" Oh, so that's what they're doing. But before they get to that, Ephram gets a little bonding out of the way with his dad. He tells his dad his feelings about Treat dating Rinda. He has the cutest dorky hat on that I have ever seen. Treat gets all excited that Ephram has shared his feelings with virtually no prompting, and asks him to "do the honors." Ephram: "Are you asking me to throw a dead man's frozen spunk into a canyon?" Treat nods. Ephram: "Cool." Ephram hurls the canister full of dead man's sperm and liquid nitrogen into the canyon. They start to walk down the mountain. As we fade to black, Treat asks Ephram, "If a sperm gets thrown into the forest and nobody hears it...." Then he tries another one: "Having done what we just did...did we commit spermicide?"