Everwood TV Show - Deer God - Everwood Recaps, Everwood Reviews, Everwood Episodes | TWoP

Recapped by Couch Baron · Aired 2002-10-14

Patch's office. He enters, and his assistant looks like she wants to say something, but settles for a series of wacky gestures in the direction of his examining room. Patch: "Though your pantomime grows more eloquent by the day, Louise, let's say this morning you simply speak?" Hee. She says that a "Mr. Yeager [?]" is waiting for him, but Patch couldn't care less, as he reads a letter from the medical board informing him that he's won some sort of service award. He rushes out to tell Rose. In the interest of not passing out from boredom, I set myself on fire. There's nothing like the smell of scorched hair to keep you awake.

Chez Brown. Some doughy loser from Animal Control has the deer on a leash, and he informs Ephram that she's from a wildlife preserve that isn't exactly a hop, skip, and jump from Everwood. He goes on that he's not taking her back there, but to an area that doesn't have much "escape cover," which will be bad news for her when it's hunting season. I vaguely wonder if there aren't laws against hunting female deer, but this episode has sapped my desire to do any research. The guy goes on that he and his brother "bag enough meat to last all winter." If your brother's girth is anything like yours, dude, I'm surprised the poor deer aren't on the endangered species list already. He makes to load the deer into his truck, but Ephram tells him to hold on. You know, I'm coming around to Magilla's way of thinking, because if there were a God, this episode wouldn't be SO BORING.

Treat arrives home to find Bambi grazing on the lawn. The Pan Flute Of Deer-Related Hijinx plays again. Like I wasn't having enough of a crisis of faith as it was. Inside, Treat asks Ephram what's on the lawn. Ephram: "A doe. A deer. A female deer." That joke was funnier when The Simpsons made it their own. Where is Bright? Treat starts to bitch Ephram out for not being there when Animal Control came, like he's never flaked on an appointment. Ephram fills him in on what happened, and says he's going to take the deer home. Treat points out that he doesn't know anything about hiking, and says he's not going. Ephram: "Am so." He leaves the room. Treat empties a plate of cookies into the garbage. I guess he's worried about going up a waist size too. Delia screams, and so do I, because where the hell did she come from? She tells him the cookies were for God. She tells him what happened with Magilla, and that she wants to prove him wrong. Treat: "I can get behind that." Heh. He goes to fix a fresh plate of cookies. I go to fix a fresh glass of hemlock. I have a feeling I may need it.

By Couch Baron

Ephram's feeding the deer when Treat comes out to talk to him. Ephram says that the deer has a home, and she just needs help getting back to it. He rails that what he wants to do isn't any crazier than Treat moving them all to Colorado, and that he has to help the deer. "Maybe I'm just supposed to do this. I don't know why. Maybe I just am." Nice try, but I refuse to believe that destiny is responsible for this episode sucking. Even if Ephram says so. Treat relents, on the condition that he accompany Ephram. Ephram's not thrilled about that arrangement, but Treat stands firm: "If you want to go, you'd better pack enough trail mix for two!" Maybe I should play Russian roulette. Only without the empty chambers.

Irv tells us that deer don't have much good to say about hunting season, except that perhaps it makes them appreciate the other times of year. Okay, I know this is a TV show, but DEER DON'T TALK. Anyway, it turns out Irv was talking to Treat, as he, Ephram, and Bambi have coopted Irv into driving them to a trail that will take them to the wildlife preserve. Irv says that they have a long day ahead of them, and that he wouldn't have picked either of them as the camping type. Treat: "You think this beard's just for show?" Man, even the beard humor is falling flat this week. Treat says that he has a new pair of boots. Irv: "Did you say new boots?" Ephram smiles, as do I, because Treat's going to be in Blister Hell soon. At least someone will be sharing my pain.

Chez Abbott. Amy's reading on the couch when Patch calls her name. She tells him she'll rake the lawn in "eighteen pages." Aw, Amy used to do chores? Isn't that sweet? Remember when she used to be occasionally half-normal? Patch tells her that her chores are temporarily suspended, and orders her to write a "press bio" on him for the Pinecone. Hey Patch, I love writing, but I would consider that a "chore," just FYI. Amy says she has too much homework, especially since she's going to visit Colin the day. Patch tells her about the award, and to her credit, she seems genuinely excited for him, until she learns that it's basically an attendance award. Well, then, it's certainly no wonder that Patch won. Amy says she's too busy, so Patch should ask Bright. Yes, ask Bright! Anything to get him onscreen. Plus, I think any testimonial Bright would write would be hilarious. I bet it would contain three "dude"s, four "awesome"s, and at least one "bitchen." Sadly, Patch simply responds, "Oh, well then I guess you don't really want that double pierce." Amy asks if he's kidding. Patch: "On my desk. By noon." As he's leaving, he calls, "No cartilage!" Hee.

By Couch Baron

Back at the bus, Treat thanks Irv for babysitting Delia, saying it'll be nice for Delia to stay in a house without any yelling. Um, is Edna going away too? Irv tells him not to sweat it, and why shouldn't he? Delia's more mature than Amy, and she's living with him now. Irv asks if Ephram's really going to do this. Treat: "Little rule for a happy life? You can't stop a Brown from doing anything. You can only insist on coming along for the ride." I probably gave up my right to say this earlier in the recap, but I won't let that stop me: GOD. What a cheese-o-rama line, and not in the show's usual good way. Irv tells Treat he'll pick him up tomorrow, and then tosses him a flare gun, "just in case." I could use that to pull an Anthony Michael Hall in The Breakfast Club. Treat takes a moment to appreciate the lovely scenery, and then starts up the trail after Ephram and the deer.

In Treat's office, Edna grumpily tells someone on the phone that Treat won't be back until Monday. Does he normally keep office hours on the weekends? Edna hangs up, and Delia tells her she likes it when Edna yells at the patients. Edna: "Me too." Delia then asks Edna if people ever talk to God. Edna: "All the time, I suspect. More so in the South." HA! Finally, a good line. Delia continues with the questions, which makes Edna uncomfortable, leading Delia to conclude that Edna doesn't believe in God either. Edna tells her that during her second tour in Vietnam, a shell tore through her tent and landed right between six bunks. "We all should have gone out messy right then. But someone, somewhere, saw fit to make that shell a dud. Sat there politely unexploded. Ever since I figure I'm all out of favors. And me and God, we share a very comfortable 'don't ask, don't tell' relationship." Hee. Delia concludes that Edna does in fact believe in God, but Edna shuts her up with an offer of ice cream. Good idea. Oh, and since I didn't get an answer the first time, WHERE'S BRIGHT?

By Couch Baron

Trail. Treat tells Ephram he should stay hydrated. Does whiskey count? Because the last scene got me off suicide watch, but I'm still wearing my hip flask. Don't look at me like that -- it's part of the standard recapper uniform. Ephram snarks that Treat doesn't know anything about hiking either. He's got a point, Treat. I mean, new boots? Treat starts babbling about bacteria in stream water and the names of the deer's four stomachs and OH MY [deity I can no longer name] SHUT UP. Ephram asks how he knows all that, and Treat says he read it in college. Ephram asks if he remembers everything he's ever read. Treat: "Don't you?" Treat, read back a couple sentences. They reach a fork in the trail. Ephram thinks they should go right, but Treat disagrees. "I used to navigate people's frontal lobes for a living, Ephram. I think I can follow directions." Treat, since you're so good at navigation, let me just tell you exactly where you can go.

Patch inspects a printout of a photo of himself, saying he asked for more shading under the neck. Amy: "You asked me to turn your jowls into chin. Don't abuse the digital age!" Heh. She tells him that Mr. Davenport confirmed receipt of his profile, and he rewards her with an eight-percent increase in her allowance. Which, knowing how much he spoils her, means that she's now getting a thousand eighty dollars a week. Patch goes on that he can't wait until "that nut" reads the article. Amy: "Who, Doctor Brown? You so have a boy crush on him." Shout-out? Patch: "My issue with Doctor Brown is neither flirtation nor rivalry. It is a crusade to protect both him and this town from the potentially lethal results of his dementia. And I loathe him." Yeah, Patch also has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, except for the "don't" part. And the "don't" part. Amy informs Patch that Treat won't see the article, with the hiking trip and all. Patch's heart starts beating faster than an inmate who just got assigned to a cell with Vern Schillinger. He slowly sidles out of the room, but when Amy isn't looking, he dashes away. God, Patch isn't even doing it for me this episode. Bright?

Ephram points out that they're going downhill, and that the deer looks like the terrain is unfamiliar, both of which are worrisome. Treat completely blows Ephram's concerns off. Treat, if you want your son to respect you, you might try actually listening to him every now and again. It may be hard to hear him over your ego's cries for attention, but give it a shot anyway. Treat changes the subject, asking Ephram about Amy, and then about his schoolwork. Ephram snarks that he's glad they made it six hours before Treat turned the hike into "some sort of bond-fest." Treat wonders what he did wrong, and Ephram snits that Treat's trying to be a parent and then a friend, and he's not good at either. Ordinarily, I'd think that's a little harsh, but Treat's tin ear so far is really bugging me. Plus, at least the snark isn't soporific. They bitch at each other a bit more until they reach the bottom of the hill, whereupon they both stare. They're back where they started, and that's gotta hurt. Specifically, it's gotta hurt me, since they're going to have to repeat that whole crapfest. Treat tries to apologize, and then asks Ephram why he's setting up camp. Ephram bites out that it's almost dark, so they might as well get a fresh start in the morning. Treat tries to argue the point, but Ephram gives him a look that would turn most men to stone. The power of that beard keeps coming in handy. Anyway, Treat, you couldn't find the right way with a compass in bright sunshine, so I'm not too keen on your chances in the dark.

By Couch Baron

Pinecone headquarters. Patch bursts in and tells Davenport to stop the presses, as the article on his award can't run that day. Yeah, it needs to make room for the far more pressing story entitled "Patch Abbott Has Lost His Ever-Loving Mind." It might not be news to everyone, but people would still buy it. Davenport asks why, and Patch tells him his mother died. Davenport: "You wish." Hee. Anyway, this whole scene is ridiculous, so I'll cut to the chase: Davenport won't stop the presses, but he allows that as long as he covers his costs, he doesn't actually have to deliver the newspapers. Patch grins as Music For A Neurotic Doctor With A Crush On Another Neurotic Doctor tootles jauntily.

Mama Joy's. Delia stares at a glass on the counter. From the look on her face, I think she's concluded it's half empty. Irv tells Edna, who's hidden behind a paper, that she's got an interesting method of babysitting. Looking around, Edna gets a guilty look on her face, and says, "A babysitter's job is to make sure the kid doesn't die. That's all." Well, a lot of my babysitters ascribed to that theory, I can tell you. And some of them weren't even good at that. ["Some of mine weren't either, and if memory serves, those babysitters were my favorites." -- Sars] Edna goes over to Delia and suggests a movie the day. Delia tells her that her mom used to go to synagogue to talk to God, and asks if they could go to one. Edna tells her that the nearest synagogue is two hours away. Well, Amy goes to Denver all the time, and that's farther. I mean, I wouldn't want to drive two hours for babysitting detail, but it doesn't seem like that big an undertaking. Edna suggests talking to God at the video store instead. "We can rent The Chosen." Again, HA! Edna is saving my sanity this episode. Although I won't say I haven't dipped into that hip flask. Delia stays silent, staring at the half-empty glass, and Edna asks her if she's thirsty. Delia says she's hoping God will make the glass move. Delia, I get my fill of divine issues from Joan Of Arcadia, so can we move this along, please? She makes me eat my words, though, as she explains that she wants to ascertain the existence of God because of her mother. "If there's no God, then there's no Heaven." Edna, getting it: "And if there's no Heaven..." Delia: "Then where's my mom?" Edna kindly puts a hand on her neck and tells her it's time to go home. Delia asks for five more minutes. Sniff. Now that's the Everwood we know and damn.

By Couch Baron

Establishing shot of the full moon. Ephram attempts to light a fire, but it won't get going. Ironic, with him being so hot and all. Treat tries to tell him what he's doing wrong, but Ephram snaps, "Don't! You are forbidden from dispensing advice on anything, ever. You're fired." He tries and fails again, and Treat starts to pipe up again. Ephram: "Fired!" Hee. Finally having had enough, Ephram whips out the flare gun and shoots, igniting the wood rather spectacularly. Nice. Treat compliments his style, and then asks if Bambi is okay. His anger apparently appeased from the display of testosterone, Ephram replies that she'll be fine once she's safe. Treat takes the opportunity to tell Ephram that he was right about Treat trying to control everything. Ephram gives him a look like he's never heard Treat apologize for anything before. Well, Ephram I did mention that the moon is full. Perhaps you should take this opportunity to ask for an increase in your allowance. And don't settle for eight percent, either. They actually exchange a smile. Now I'm wondering if the moon has also turned blue. Treat continues about his need to control everything, saying that Sue Ellen used to be the only one that could call him on it. "It used to help me keep people alive, taking charge, knowing the right thing to say all the time. It's an instinct that I cultivated for surgery that made me capable of doing things so fantastic I can't even take credit for them. That same compulsion people nurtured in me then is what's making me screw everything up now, for you, for Delia. These past few months I feel like the only thing I've done right is to help a few strangers get better and stop talking out loud to my dead wife." Awwww. Ephram, with a small smile, gently opines that "that's something." Yes, it is. In fact, that "something" was a damn good scene, out of nowhere. Keep it up. Bright?

By Couch Baron

Delia walks into the garage to find Edna attaching a sidecar to her motorcycle. "We're gonna go see about a rabbi." Edna's seen Good Will Hunting, I'd guess. I bet she even cried at the end. Don't tell her I said that, though -- the last scene made me start enjoying life again. I'd hate for her to have to kill me. The shot is of Edna driving with Delia in a rocking old-style sidecar that looks like a mini-Model T or something. Hee. Mini-T, I love you. Let's take over the world together. They pass a sign that says "Fort Cedres Military Base." Cut to the two of them on the grounds. Delia's awed, and Edna tells her it's got the closest rabbi outside of a chat room. Hee. Edna is getting the lines tonight. They approach the commanding officer, and Edna quickly explains that she's the retired lieutenant colonel he talked to that morning. "Requesting consultation with company chaplain Hebraic." Hee. "Chaplain Roth" runs up -- he's rather young and not tough on the eyes -- and barks that he's still doing Army training, but he's a fully certified rabbi, "Jewish Theological Seminary, Manhattan, New York." Edna tells him "at ease," and then barks that Delia requires "a regulation Jewish answer for how you know God exists." Geez, Edna. I'm not even at ease, and you're not yelling at me. The Hebraic Hottie babbles at West Wing speed that there are three essential proofs for the existence of "an omniscient benevolent deity." He goes on about Aristotle and Abraham and blah blah blah theology-cakes. Delia looks puzzled. Don't worry, Delia. I'm about two feet taller than you, and it's over my head.

Amy and Patch are throwing bundles of copies of the Pinecone into a recycling bin as she tells him he's insane. Arguments, anyone? Also, I don't really understand why Patch couldn't just have saved a few copies and made sure Treat saw them when he got back. I'm not usually much for wacky, but I prefer it to just plain stupid. Amy says she's going to visit Colin the day instead. Since this is clearly Sunday, I'm going to assume she has a three-day weekend, because I doubt Patch would let her blow off school, and also, he offers to drive her. Amy asks if he thinks she's crazy for spending her free time reading to a coma patient. Patch says if she's doing it because she feels obligated, that's crazy, but Amy goes because she misses him, which is fine, although he would like to see her go out once in a while. Be careful what you wish for, Patch. Patch goes on that he doesn't want to see her feel guilty about having a life. He says, with a conspiratorial smile, "As far as being crazy -- I won't call anyone crazy if you don't." Amy smiles big. Remember when the Abbotts were the functional family?

By Couch Baron

Edna and Delia are on the side of the road. Edna exposits that the motorcycle was making a lot of noise, but she thinks it's fixed, although the rock they ran over caused them to lose most of their gas. I can see where this is going, and no miracle is going to save me from it. Delia's sad because she didn't like what the Hebraic Hottie said. Edna counters that God doesn't like to give easy answers. I bet she watches Joan Of Arcadia too. Delia starts to head for the sidecar, but Edna tells her that she wondered about Patch Sr. after he died, and she drove herself crazy doing it. She never did quite come all the way back, huh? Edna goes on: "You know what I didn't see 'til you came along? Making myself nuts was my way of knowing he's still around. Because you looking all over for God, that's your mom. That's how you know she's okay. She's in you. Looking." That's a really nice answer, and would have been a great way to wrap up this subplot. Unfortunately, we've still got a stop at Lake Pander to make.

Hiking. Treat whinily asks why they're not there yet. Ephram: "Because we're out of shape." Hee. It's called cardio, Doctor. Look into it. Treat also complains about his blisters, and Ephram laughs at him, as he should. Looking around, they realize that they're right by the reserve, and Ephram's excited run is really just the cutest thing. When they get into view of it, though, the trees and ground are all dead and burned. I hope it wasn't a flare gun accident. Ephram freaks, saying that now Bambi has nowhere to go. Treat thinks they could hike to another patch of the reserve, but Ephram, starting to cry, says that that isn't her home. "All I wanted to do was bring her home." Treat: "You did, Ephram." You know, an underage boy with issues taller than the mountain on which he's currently standing probably isn't the best choice for a boyfriend. But does AB listen? Noooo. And neither would I, really. Treat gently says that Bambi will find a new home, like they did. Ephram, really losing it now: "Our home was in New York. Our home was with Mom." Treat concedes that, but tells him she's gone now, and there's nothing left for them there. He gestures to the burnt forest: "What you're hanging onto...is this." Okay, the buildup annoyed me for a full half-hour, but at this moment, I can concede that the metaphor works. Ephram, crying in earnest, says he just wants to go home. Treat embraces him. "Me too." And here I thought I wouldn't have to buy tissues today. I'm a slow learner.

By Couch Baron

Later, in an area that doesn't bring California last summer to mind, Ephram tells Bambi that the new place isn't her old home, but it looks nice, and there's no hunting. He unloads more overidentification on the deer, and he looks really cute doing it, but at this point, I think you get the idea. To sum up, he says, "It's okay when everything sucks. It means you're somewhere." Bambi: "You're cute, but seriously? It's called therapy. GET SOME." He unties her, and she runs off, but not without a backward glance. Ephram walks back to Treat, who asks if everything's okay. Ephram: "As good as it's gonna be." Aw.

The boys Brown wave goodbye to Irv as he drives away from their house. They settle in on the couch, with Treat looking like he could use a day at a spa. I'd love to see them try to give him a facial. Ephram looks over at Treat, steels himself, and asks him, "Just how out of the brain business are you?" Treat asks why. Ephram explains that Amy asked him to speak to Treat about Colin. Possibly realizing from the fact that it's Sunday that Ephram didn't exactly go running to him with this news, Treat asks when Amy requested that, and Ephram admits that it was a while ago. Again, it's a logical inference that Ephram lied about Treat's response to Amy, because she wouldn't have let it drop if he hadn't, so Treat mildly says that he'll have to tell Amy that. "Runs in the family, I guess." Ephram asks what he's referring to. Treat: "Trying to control everything. Sorry." Eh, that's a stretch, Treat. They hear Edna's motorcycle pull up.

Outside, Edna tells Delia that she didn't want to worry her, but they were out of gas, and were running on fumes for eighty miles. Needless to say, Delia likens this to the Chanukah story, and takes it as proof of God's existence. She rushes off to tell Magilla. I don't have any problem, per se, with her interpreting this event as something divine -- I just think it would have been more dramatically satisfying to end the subplot on Edna's speech. Anyway, Treat comes out and thanks Edna for taking care of Delia, and says he hopes she wasn't too much trouble. Edna: "Not at all! But if you ask me to babysit again, you'll meet God." Hee. I wonder if he ever gets out of that bathtub. Maybe he's like that captain in The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe who did nothing but drink gin and tonic. I could get behind that religion. Edna tries to start the motorcycle, but nothing doing. I know it's late in the game here, but: Bright?

By Couch Baron

Patch is on the phone with someone who's congratulating him about the award. Oh, I see what he did -- he had the story run again on Sunday. Well, that's still stupid, but it's not as stupid as I thought. In an effort to get him into this story somehow, I will thereby christen this "The Bright Subplot." Amy gives Patch a bunch of messages, and he asks if that's all of them. Amy: "Sorry, Dad. He didn't call." Patch says he doesn't know what she means, but he looks like he just got stood up for the prom. And that's an amusing mental image. I wonder who'd pick up whom. Patch notices that Amy's wearing his Burberry scarf. Oh, Patch. I thought it was all Armani, all the time. Amy asks if she can borrow it, as she's going out with her bitch friends. They're going to some kegger that was "Colin's favorite party of the year." Patch: "You sure you wouldn't rather stay home, join a convent..." Hee. Amy says she's got to get in the shower, but asks Patch to grab her necklace from the hall outside the kitchen. Her little smile gives away that it's a setup of some kind. Patch finds the necklace draped over a framed copy of the article about his award, along with a note from Amy that says, "The best doctor in 3 counties! Love, Amy." Yeah, Patch may have spoiled Amy, but she certainly played her Daddy's Little Girl part pretty sincerely. Patch looks like he might even have forgotten about Treat in that moment. And that doesn't happen often.

Treat and Delia are getting ready to watch a video. Treat notices the snacks on the table. "Are these for regular people, or just major deities?" Hee. Delia says they're for him. Treat asks if they found God, and Delia says yes. Treat: "Where was he?" Delia: "The gas tank." Hee. Ephram enters the room, and Treat invites him to watch Black Beauty with them. Ephram declines, as he's got something to take care of. He looks as nervous as someone selling Red Sox hats at a Yankee game. He leaves.

By Couch Baron

Ephram knocks on the Abbotts' door. Patch answers. "You! Why do you look as though you're about to vomit?" Instead of asking questions, Patch, I'd get to minimum safe distance. Ephram: "'Cause I might." Hee. Patch calls for Amy, and tells Ephram to remain outside, then loftily asks him if Treat mentioned him, perhaps in conjunction with the paper. Ephram nervously says no, and adds that Treat doesn't read the Pinecone. Amy, fresh out of the shower, appears, and breezily asks if Ephram found his spirit animal. "Let me guess -- you're a...marmot." Ephram still looks more like that marmot crawled down his throat and died. He tells Amy that she's going to be really mad at him, but asks her to hear him out. She agrees. Ephram starts babbling about Spaghetti-Os and kindling. Amy's all, taaaake two! Ephram spills the beans about his lie. He's breathing harder than Drew Carey in Nepal. He goes on that he lost his home, and he only just came to the realization that he can't get it back. He tells her that she was right -- he hasn't made anything for himself in Everwood, except her. "You're what makes this home to me. I was afraid if my dad helped Colin, I'd lose all that. But I get it. I mean, it takes me a while, but I catch up. Colin is your home. So I asked my dad to help him. He's gonna look at him tomorrow. Not that that in any way makes up for anything I've done, but...it's happening. I am sorry." One oxygen tank for the hot kid who looks like he's going to be sick, stat! Amy, overwhelmed, does the best she can, which is to force a bit of a smile, say, "Okay," and close the door. She's gonna have fun at that party. Let me just say that scene was awesome in every way. Emily Vancamp acted the shit out of it despite having only one line. Her range of facial expressions during Ephram's speech was just perfect. When the door's closed, Ephram repeats, "Okay," and walks away. At the stoop, he picks up a copy of the Pinecone, and Irv tells us that at some point, we all have something that we just have to do. Irv closes with a sentiment that doesn't go particularly well with the scene we just witnessed, so let's just say that Ephram walks down the street reading the Pinecone as we fade to black.