Previously on ER, there was a sick Croatian boy and a sick Am"Eric"an boy. Luka and his friend Gordana were waiting for the former to arrive in the States, while Abby fled to attend to the latter when he showed up in Des Moines. This upset Carter, whose grandmother had just taken a nap and been nailed to her perch.
We open with Gallant, who's pulling the old "turn your head and cough" in the hallway with some guy who'd probably rather get a private room for this kind of ball-juggling, except that the last time he did that he paid by the hour for a nasty case of crabs. Gordana rushes toward him in search of Luka. "Try Trauma One," Gallant says. And since Gordana's only been there for one day and wouldn't know what the hell that means, she naturally immediately goes to the correct room. Luka is paddling some poor Joe whose heart stopped. "Back for more punishment?" Luka Croatians pleasantly. Gordana urgently exposits that Ante's condition got so much worse that his panicked mother smuggled him onto a plane by himself. Luka pauses to consider this while Joe Heartbeat struggles to find one. "Clear," he finally says, shocking his patient. Gordana adds that Mercy can't set up for the surgery for another two weeks. Luka stops again and all but scratches his balls. "Some juice, please?" Joe Heartbeat begs. "BEEEEEEEP," his machinery counters. Sorry, Joe. No more paddling today. Luka casually calls the time of death and leaves with Gordana. "He can't wait [two weeks]," Gordana breathes.
Stephen Keaton trots down the stairs of Gamma's mansion. The closed-captioners give us a voice-over lead-in to the scene that the editor decided to mute: Carter is talking to the family lawyer about checking over the will before it's read, so that he can absorb it. They emerge into the hall. "I didn't realize you were here, [Stephen]," the lawyer says, surprised. "I flew in three days ago," Stephen says pleasantly. The lawyer awkwardly stammers that he'd called New York to offer his condolences, to which Stephen replies that Eleanor lives there alone now. The lawyer coughs up a toenail and takes his leave. "I didn't realize estate lawyers made house calls," prods Stephen, pouring himself a drink. Carter stiffly shares that the Foundation called an emergency meeting for week and the lawyer was preparing him for it. Then he drops the bomb: Gamma's will appoints Carter president of the Foundation. Stephen slowly turns around, trying not to gape and failing. "I see," he finally spits. "I think that would be a good thing." Carter clearly doesn't, but only because he is allergic to money -- unless, of course, it pays for a car and an apartment and nice clothes and a rented restaurant. "It should be you, Dad," he offers, not too convincingly. "I guess that's not what she wanted," Stephen simmers. Carter tries to pretend that it's just a convenience issue, what with him living in Chicago, but Stephen knows he's just been rodgered with a hot poker. "She put you in charge of the family fortune and left me with a bachelor's trust fund," he says coldly. "I don't think it was a question of geography." Carter feeds his high horse some sugar cubes and explains to Stephen that Gamma was completely disappointed in him as a son and as a father, and figured he was too pathetic and spineless to run to the store, much less run a foundation. "You could sugar-coat it a little," Stephen says, wounded. Carter nods. He looks pasty and puffy today. Stephen suggests that this is a good opportunity. "Not one that I wanted," Carter whines. "Now I'm stuck having to run the damn thing, or walk away." Okay, yeah, Gamma's flipping you the bird from the great beyond, but you could at least act a little less whiny about it, Carter. Stephen shrugs that Gamma basically screwed them both from her perch at the pearly gates. Then he checks his watch and notes that it's almost time to leave. "We waiting on Abby?" he asks. "She's meeting us there," Carter replies.
Abby, looking nice in a dark suit, rubs on some red lipstick and surveys herself in the mirror. "That's good," she sighs. "You look like a hooker." As she wipes off the offending whore paste, she hears a crash and a thud coming from her living room. Her expression says, "What? My life isn't scheduled to crash around me for at least another fifty minutes." Then she hears Eric's voice and she jogs toward it.
Eric, looking like hell, groggily rights the lamp he knocked over. "What are you doing?" Abby wails. "I broke into your apartment," he replies. "I'm home," she gapes. "I can see that now," Eric whines, staggering for a chair. He's got a black eye, which he claims came from a fight he started in the lunch room with a guy who stole the last Jell-O cup. "He cut in line!" Eric complains. Abby can't believe what a mess he is. "I had to jump through a window and scoot through some bushes," Eric helpfully explains. Abby wryly points out that the program is voluntary, so he can technically leave it whenever he likes, and through the front door. Eric prefers the excitement of the escape. Abby grabs an ice pack to nurse his wound, but he snatches it from her while confessing that he cheeked his pills because the dosage was too high and draining him of his Fun Bobby impulses. Abby can't believe everything's gone to seed so quickly, because somehow, the chain of misery that is her life still manages to catch her unawares. "Maybe I should just go," Eric grumbles. Abby gently pushes him back into his seat and urges him to stay. "I could use a drink, anyway," Eric shrugs, settling into the chair. Abby blinks at him, and then turns away, ignoring his momentary lapse of consideration while also wondering if she can go from zero to tequila worm before the funeral. "Is your apartment spinning?" Eric moans. Abby glares at him. We head to the credits thankful that Tom Everett Scott shaved his beard before the wardrobe people got cute and handed him an axe, a plaid flannel shirt, and some overalls.
Romano pushes on the aching belly of a little whining kid, whose mother complains in Spanish that Romano is an evil man and that she wants someone else treating her son. Chuny gleefully translates. "Get an abdominal scan and tell Evita I can prescribe a good ESL class," Romano snaps. Meanwhile, it would seem the "Ben Rubi" days are over; it's "Abraham Benrubi" again in the credits. I don't get it. Make a decision, Abe.
Luka wheels in a twenty-three-year-old minor leaguer with a deep head bruise. Slugger's manager follows and explains that the kid felt dizzy, passed out en route to the dugout, and must've hit his head. Romano joins them in time to hear Slugger's manager assure us that the boy wonder is a stallion who's shot through the ranks in one season. This basically guarantees that he's toast. "He was on his way to be called up to the big show," Manager says. "What show?" Luka asks. "Ignore him, he's foreign," quips Romano. Luka spies Kerry and excuses himself. "Sure, I'll use my foot to put on the BP cuff," Romano yells after him.
Luka whispers to Weaver that Ante is getting worse and can't wait for Mercy to prepare for the surgery. She knows where he's going with this and demurs that County has enough trouble treating its own uninsured clientele, much less some crazy kid from Croatia who's named after part of a poker game. Luka begs her to convince the board to approve it, offering to pick up any costs the procedure incurs. "Don't count on anything," she warns, exiting.
At the front desk, Chuny informs Luka that Jacy said she'd donate time to the surgery if he arranges for her to get the two weeks off that her regular boss keeps denying her. "I can't control vacation schedules," he protests "Everything's on negotiation," Chuny shrugs. "I thought nurses were supposed to be angels of mercy," snorts a nearby Susan. "Even mercy has a price," Chuny gloats. Luka orders Jerry to track Ante's flight and bolts for the lounge as Romano exits it. "I'm checking out of the losers' lounge. Try not to kill anyone, Lurch," he growls. "We'll do our best," Luka shouts humorously, all but saluting. Susan grabs Romano to tell him that Slugger's CT is back and doesn't show any signs of a concussion. Romano studies Slugger's chart and spews forth a bunch of syllables that, strung together, mean absolutely nothing to me. For all I know, he's got a paper cut. Susan finally explains that it's something called Long QT Syndrome; Romano offers to stick around and check his family history for any traces of the disease. "I thought you were going home," she says. "You know me, I live for this place," Romano mutters.
Funeral. An old crony of Gamma's gushes to Carter about how wonderful he is and how much Gamma loved having him around and how nobody ever thought it was weird, not ever, that once Gamma finally cut the damn apron strings, she framed them and hung them in the foyer. Carter stops in front of Stephen and politely introduces Gamma's friend. "Are you a relation?" she asks kindly. "I'm her son," Stephen says through gritted teeth. A divine halo bearing the inscription "Dost Thou Get It?" drops out of the sky and clocks Stephen in the noggin before settling atop Carter's. Stephen stiffly thanks Gamma's friend for attending, and then suggests that they get things moving along so that he can start drinking again. Carter wants to wait, because Abby isn't there yet. "I sent a car for her," he sighs. "I guess she's running late." His expression is gloomy.
Romano tells Slugger that he can get a wee equivalent of a defibrillator implanted in his heart, so they can jolt it back to a normal rhythm and then play mean pranks on him at parties. His wife -- whose breasts are tipping out of her dress -- insists that Slugger was just dehydrated and there's nothing wrong with him. Romano ignores her and explains that after the implantation, he'll be in recovery for six months, at which point he can gradually slip back into his workout regimen. "We can't stop playing for that long," says Chesty La Rue, as if she's in her Slugger's pants on the pitch as well as off. Slugger tries to soothe her, but Chesty wails that no team will touch him if he sits out for a season with a heart defect. Romano basically tells her that teams are even less likely to give him a shot if he's got no pulse and has been cremated. "You don't understand, I'm about to get my shot," Slugger explains. "Tuesday night. Wrigley Field." Chesty's cleavage pouts, "Our whole life has been waiting for this." It has? Well, feed it some beer and pretzels, honey, because it's gonna be twiddling its thumbs a little longer. Romano sighs, and then capitulates that they can be slightly less aggressive with the treatment, but just temporarily. "Thank you, Doctor," Chesty's breasts wiggle gratefully. "I'm expecting box seats," he retorts.
Susan amusedly asks Romano what happened to his dire diagnosis of Slugger. "I had an ER overreaction kick in," he lies glibly. "I worked through it." Susan smiles and continues on her way, yawning hard. Chuck appears in the background and breaks into "Wake Up, Little Susie." Susan giggles. Chuck waves a sheaf of papers at her. "The end of the affair," he intones. Luka interrupts, running around trying to get people secured for Ante's surgery. Susan toddles off to take care of something else, leaving Chuck conveniently alone with Luka. "What are you doing tonight?" Luka whispers. "You," I murmur huskily. "And maybe a jar of peanut butter." My roommate looks at me strangely and promptly calls my mother. "Take it easy, cowboy. I'm a married man," Chuck protests comically. Hee. I like Chuck. He's pleasant. It's nice to have someone around whose face isn't droopy or sour or frowning or quacking or overly tanned or Chen's.
Abby arrives at the funeral, helped out of the limo by its chauffeur. She crosses the street and stops when she sees Carter hugging a fellow mourner. He turns to look at Abby, and she continues toward him nervously, reaching for his hand. Carter takes hers, and they cross to their seats. As the funeral begins, we hear a loud Road Runner cartoon. Cut inside the limo, where Eric is staring at the cartoon like it's Bill Nye The Science Guy dubbed in Swahili. He chugs vodka from a crystal carafe and squints at the set, wondering what on earth that giant metal thing labeled "ACME" is, and why that poor, industrious coyote keeps getting crushed by it.
Outside, as the minister mentions the "grand entrance to the land of light," Abby grabs Carter's hand and moves it into her lap. How...euphemistic of her. She squeezes it with both of her own, smiling with affectionate concern at her once and future doormat. Then her face falls as she spies Eric staggering out of the limo and treating a nearby tree to a golden shower. Carter notices her craned neck and turns his head; Stephen follows suit. Eric rejiggers his pants and starts stumbling toward the congregated mourners. Abby swallows hard and gets up to intercept him, leaving Carter flaring his nostrils like a thoroughbred after the Kentucky Derby. "What are you doing?" Abby hisses. Eric drools that there was a mini-bar in the limo, and vodka abuses his bladder. She pleads with him to get back in the car. "I'm trying to make this work, Abby," he slurs. "I swear to God, you've just got to give me a little more room here." He gets past her, so Abby grabs his arm and jerks him around to face her. "If you don't get back in that car, I will get a gun and I will shoot you dead," she threatens classily. For someone with as much history with manic depression and alcohol as she has, Abby's not terribly effective at dealing with people under the influence of them. Eric fights her loudly, drawing a sidelong glance from the minister. Carter and Stephen stand up and stroll toward Abby and Eric. "Hey, John, what's up," Eric breezes, trying to act normal. "Sorry about your grandmother. It's tough to lose somebody." Carter pleasantly tries to move Eric away from the group, but Eric interrupts him. "Quite a send-off. She must've been very loved," Eric babbles. "Or very rich." He dissolves into snorting giggles while Abby prepares to drop through the Earth. Eric knocks into a huge wreath, which falls over. "I don't feel so good," he mumbles, losing his balance completely and tipping into Gamma's open burial plot. The mourners gasp. Nobody said anything about gifting Millicent with an eternal boy-toy. Carter, Abby, and Stephen can only stare. "You brought your brother," Carter observes archly. Abby squints up at him in dread, and we cut to commercials wondering why in the name of the sweet little angel-baby Jesus this show tried to turn itself into Absolutely Fabulous. Although I have to say, this episode is the most interested I have ever been in Gamma.
Luka chases hot Dr. Dorsett down the hall, and it's a two-shot of them, and it's officially the prettiest thing on the show this season. Luka's trying to convince him to help with the surgery, and Dorsett is trying to refuse, citing his hot date with the brunette in radiology. "Oh, you'll be disappointed," Luka says glibly. He rushes ahead with his pitch, but not before Dorsett digests this and looks really surprised, and kind of impressed that Luka rivals him for Man-Whore of the Year. It's by far my favorite moment of the show this season. Luka tells Dorsett he's got primary surgeons lined up from other hospitals, but that he needs a County team to support them. "Some dying kid's desperate mom stuck him aboard a plane, huh?" Dorsett smirks. "That's almost enough to pluck at my heartstrings which, I might add, are notoriously unpluckable." The elevator opens. Dorsett stops and whispers, "I'll really be disappointed?" Luka nods vigorously. "Trust me," he says. Oh, you dog. Woof. Here, hump my leg. Dorsett smiles and enters the elevator. As the doors close, he twinkles, "Will Corday be scrubbing in?" Luka looks happy.
Outside the hospital, Susan and Chuck review the annulment paperwork. They're choosing a reason. It's cute.
Chuck: Fraud. Ever fake anything?
Susan: No, you?
Chuck: No, I'm just a screamer. Unacknowledged prior marriage?
Susan: Right, like either of us is a bigamist.
Chuck: I have an uncle who's a Mormon.
Susan: !
Chuck: Under the age of legal consent?
Susan: Don't I wish.
Chuck: Don't I wish.
They come to the "we were drunk/stoned out of our minds" clause and agree that this is the winner. "Which one of us was trashed?" Chuck asks. Susan shrugs that they can share the honor. "No, let me be the gentleman this one last time," he cracks. "I don't recall any precedent for that," she chuckles. Then, without ceremony, Susan signs the papers and they are officially no longer married. "Unknotting the bonds of love," Chuck proclaims. "Or impetuous lust." Susan snickers that it's something in between, and dashes off to a trauma with the order that Chuck call her when they're divorced.
The new patient is a forty-three-year-old douchemonkey named Jennifer who is incredibly stupid because she (a) went to a Botox party, and (b) had it injected in her neck, where it swelled things up enough to keep her from swallowing properly. Luckily, this shouldn't affect her social life, because anyone that uptight is definitely more of a spitter.
No mere swinging door can keep Luka from saving the life of some little boy he's never met, so he bursts in on Elizabeth during a surgical procedure and begs her to help him with Ante. She refuses, claiming it's too far afield from her area of expertise, which if I remember correctly is largely intestinal, so maybe she really ought to break out of the mold. Luka ups the Ante, specifically to let me make that joke, because he's such a giver and all he really cares about is my happiness -- I mean, how else to explain why Goran Visnjic hasn't fled the show, screaming? Anyway, Luka offers to mow Elizabeth's lawn and baby-sit Ella. "Over my dead body," she snaps. "And this guy's, too, if you don't tie off that bleeder," Shirley interrupts. Elizabeth wishes she could help, but she thinks this is all very sudden and rash, as if it were a certain time of year in which dramatic statements and montage-worthy moments might be appear willy-nilly in the ER, as if some mythical man in a mythical editing bay was planning to turn them into promotional pieces that might hook some so-called "viewers." Luka insists that they are Ante's last prayer. Elizabeth selfishly asks if Dr. Dorsett is on the team. "Uh...is that a problem?" Luka hedges. "Yes!" Elizabeth blurts. Shirley jerks her head up so hard that it drops clean off in the other direction. "Okay, no, no, fine, fine. I'll do it," spits Elizabeth, exasperated, flushed, and a little embarrassed that the entire room can smell Charred Loin.
Abby sidles over to Carter, who is scowling in a chair at the now-empty funeral site. She grins wryly that she fed Eric the whole bottle of Depakote. Agitated, Abby sits down and babbles that she was stuck. "He couldn't be left alone, and I really wanted to be here with you, and I thought he would just wait in the car, and I'm really sorry, John," she says desperately. Carter nods. Quite honestly, I'm not sure what I'd have done in her place. The last time she chose Eric, Carter had a total hissyfit, so there's no way she had the option of calling and saying, "Eric's here -- I can't be with you today." And in his condition, Eric would probably have trashed Abby's place, or fallen out the window, if she'd left him there. Personally, I think she should've either dropped him off at the hospital on the way, or, if geography made that impossible, I'd have brought him and had the limo driver circle the block until the funeral was over rather than park and risk him getting out. Still, I feel bad for her. She was trying to be where she felt she belonged. "I'm going to drop him off at the hospital and then I'll come by the house, okay?" she says. "What for?" Carter breathes emptily. Abby stammers that Eric promised to get evaluated and possibly put in a locked ward. "I mean, why come by the house?" Carter interrupts. Confused, Abby grits her teeth and stares at the grass. "I know what happened was terrible," she begins nervously. "Unforgivable, really, but my brother is sick, and he's struggling, and I'm just trying to help him survive." Carter meets her gaze. "I know. So go do that," he says coldly. Sucking wind for a second, Abby closes her mouth and slowly walks away toward Eric, who is leaning against the limo with his head down.
Pratt scolds Jennifer for Botoxing her neck. "They say botulism is beautiful," she says through a mouth that barely moves. Pratt snorts that she won't be so hot with a feeding tube up her nose that dumps into her stomach. "You'll have to use that to feed yourself four cans of solution a day," he says. "Will I lose weight?" she says. Pratt rolls his eyes and telepathically tells her that she's a stupid wench with too much money.
Susan greets a mother shot in a drive-by, followed by her two children. The son, Turner, has a bullet wound; the daughter just has abrasions on her neck and head. They wheel her into Trauma Neither Green Nor Yellow, put Turner in Green, and the girl in Yellow. "What's your name, pretty girl?" Pratt asks. "Noelle," she whimpers. "Well, Merry Christmas, Noelle. We're going to fix you right up," Pratt says smoothly. Oh my God. George Clooney is so dreamy. Sorry -- I'm watching Ocean's Eleven as I recap, and I couldn't help commenting. Hi, I'm Heathen, and I'm addicted to eye candy.
The mother has this enormous cloud of dark hair that looks like the worst wig in the world. We're going to call her Diana, after Ms. Ross, because that coif is supreme. Susan finds an exit wound and they begin fixing her right up. She's worried about her kids, so Susan toddles off into Trauma Green to check on Turner. While in there, Jerry interrupts with a call for Luka from the people on Ante's flight. "They're saying 'bad breathing' and 'Blau,'" Jerry attempts. Oh, great. "Blau"? Djb gets a shout-out from Jerry before I get to see Luka making out with a five-foot-five strawberry blonde named Heather? I feel so betrayed. Luka tries to shout Croatian into the phone, but the connection isn't good enough, so Susan takes over while he rushes out to accept the call and talk them through Ante's complications. Elizabeth conveniently arrives for the consult right then, so Susan can go door to check on Noelle.
Pratt gives her the bullet, which includes words I don't understand; Susan interprets this as "spinal shock." Sure enough, Noelle can't move anything below her neck. Susan recalls Diana saying that she tugged a bookcase down over Noelle to protect her from gunshots.
At home, Romano uses one hand to make a cup of tea. He turns on the burner and reaches across the stove for something; as he does, the sling catches fire, with The Arm following suit. He doesn't notice until he smells the burning flesh, at which point he screams, starts thumping it, and swears up a storm.
Weaver tries to convince the hospital fat cats that they should help with Ante's surgery because he can't wait for Mercy. Why can County do it on twelve hours' notice when it takes a rich hospital two weeks to get things set up? I guess County is the cheap quickie under the bleachers, whereas Mercy is the one you date for a while and consider taking home to meet the folks. Luka barges in apologetically and says he needs an answer immediately. "It's hard enough to keep pace with our own problems," Chief Fat Cat sputters. Luka snots that they'd find the time if a rich benefactor needed an artificial heart. Chief Fat Cat seems to think that kind of surgery would be more beneficial to medical science in general. "We're talking about one sick boy here, who we have the ability to save, but not the will to do it!" Luka shouts. The NBC promo department collectively ejaculates onto a copy of Daily Variety. The room is silent. Luka steams that he knows the only reason they're not helping Ante is that they don't feel like it. Weaver quietly insists that it's more complicated than that, but Luka doesn't understand why -- he doesn't pay heed to rules, because rebels always believe that rules are for cheaters. He exits in a sexy huff, and we fade to black wondering why people oppose cloning when there's only one Goran Visnjic and a throng of hungry women.
At the house, Carter is stretched out on the couch with a book. Stephen enters what appears to be a study and regards his son boredly. "I didn't know Gamma had The Collected Oscar Wilde in first edition," Carter says. Stephen tries to recall Gamma's favorite story about him, and Carter of course can remember it word for word. The Road Runner shoots across the screen with a sign that says, "Get it yet?" Then the coyote chases with a sign that says, "Get what?" and that of course prompts the arrival of a slew of anvils to crush his sad cartoon carcass. Stephen lightly characterizes Gamma as "a society lady with the heart of Stonewall Jackson." Carter awkwardly sits up and apologizes to his father, claiming that his earlier candor wasn't entirely fair, or accurate. "It is what it is, John; you can't pretend it was anything else," Stephen says evenly. Talk turns to the funeral, which Carter deems embarrassing and Stephen prefers to call "memorable." Stephen senses that Abby's absence is because of Eric's balletic fall from grace into Gamma's final resting place. Carter fidgets and pretends he's only hiding because he can't abide mingling over duck canapés. That's probably why Abby's not there -- to avoid another installment of the riveting "canapé versus appetizer" debate. Stephen gently tells him to stay where he is, but Carter stands up to join his father and offers up another apology. "I feel like I blew it," Carter confesses. "You didn't," Stephen replies. "Neither did Abby." The men hug. "Let it go, son. Just let it go," Stephen advises him. Carter thinks about it, then toddles off to scribble the word "WELCOME" on his suit jacket so he can live the rest of his life prostrate outside Abby's front door.
Pratt and Gallant escort Noelle to the elevators; she's headed up for a CT. Pratt flirts with her, because that's what he does. He calls her pretty and tells her she could be a model. "Stuff like that never happens," she scowls. Pratt insists he's seen it happen, and promises to find her after her CT. He peels off, leaving her with Gallant, but Romano soon interrupts that: He enters in a fit and demands Gallant's assistance, dumping Noelle off to Chuny. Gallant looks put-out, but does trot after his boss. Jerry and Malik watch. "Romano's got a new bitch, huh?" Malik chuckles. Jerry laughs, too, but inside he's crying. He misses the sting of the one-armed wonder's verbal whip.
Luka picks up Romano's slack, ordering Jerry to acquire a bunch of medical equipment for him. He then whispers to Gordana that Ante will end up there somehow.
Romano angrily draws a curtain around a waiting-room bed. Gallant enters in a fit of mild irritation. "Not sure why you'd want an Affirmative Action imbecile fixing you up," he spits. Wow! Are those bowling balls in your scrubs, Gallant, or did you just sprout an enormous pair? Romano indelicately suggests that he zip it, then offhandedly -- hee -- mentions that Gallant's shown some kind of integrity in the past that he appreciates and which serves his purpose of bullying the poor sap into secrecy. He casually undoes the sling to reveal Barbecued Arm of Surgeon, crisply charbroiled and garnished with a sprig of parsley. Gallant recoils at the sight of his scorched boss. "I want to keep this private," Romano swallows. Gallant gasps that this wound is far more severe than he's equipped to treat, and that it would be remiss of Romano to expect such a thing. Romano knows it, too. "All right, then," he says, thinking. Gallant offers to get Corday, but Romano quickly refuses and requests Susan, on the basis that she's the least annoying of the bunch. Can't really refute that. "You need a surgeon," presses Gallant. Romano turns to face him and says quietly, plaintively, "I am a surgeon." Aw. Still not giving up the ghost.
Carter enters, tired and trying to find Abby. "She's off today," Jerry says. Susan appears. "I thought you were at the funeral," she says, confused. "Eh, if you can call it that," he grumbles. Well, yes, Carter, you can. Nowhere is it defined that "funeral" means "A burial ceremony not characterized by drinking, staggering, urination, or the befouling of an empty burial plot."
A cute guy enters and introduces himself as Diana's oldest son, Curtis. Susan offers to escort him to his family, and turns to ask Carter how long he'll be around, but he's already disappearing into the lounge. Susan says his mother and Turner will be fine, but Noelle is paralyzed, and they're not sure if it's temporary. Curtis enters to speak with Diana, who explains somewhat guiltily that she's the one who knocked the bookcase atop Noelle. "It's not your fault," Curtis soothes her. "Mama, did you see who did this?" Fear washes over Diana's face, and she begins begging Curtis not to do anything. Curtis's jaw is set in that "I'm gonna do something" kind of way, and he keeps trying to get her to say who shot at them, but she staunchly refuses to say anything except "Don't do anything." Somehow tiring of this witty and sparkling repartee, Curtis wanders over to Trauma Green, where Turner is about to leave for the OR. Apparently, the bullet tore up his spleen, so he's going to lose it. "Stay strong, little man," Curtis intones. Turner, intubated, can only stare at Curtis and wonder, "What's a spleen?"
Romano sits alone in a waiting room, lost. "Boy, the standard of care here really does suck," he mutters. Through a window, he spies Chesty La Rue dangling her cleavage over her husband's sleeping body. Figuring it's a crime to waste that view, he joins her. "He's got a swing like a young Ted Williams," she says robotically. "That's what everybody says, anyway." Oh, she's wretched. Ew. Chesty insists that they can't give up on that dream, and Romano empathizes, because he was the Ted Williams of the surgical staff before he broke his bat.
Weaver summons Romano away from Chesty and her braless baseballs. Once inside the exam room, Weaver studies the Grilled Rack of Romano With Sling Sauce and concludes that he is, in medical terms, fucked. Weaver actually almost jumps when she sees the wound. "Normally, we would need to determine pain..." she begins. Romano bitterly interrupts that, clearly, they can't do that with an arm that has no sensory functions. Kerry worries that the full-thickness burns might compromise blood flow to the hand, but Romano refuses to let "the surgical B-team" cut him up. "It's possibly eschemic," she says. "It's already too late to save it, I know, I get it, I understand," he steams. Weaver suggests a consult with Elizabeth. "I don't want to see Corday," he pouts. Weaver pleads with him to at least visit the Plastics people, and Romano grudgingly agrees.
While in the act of leaving Abby a somewhat crabby message, Carter realizes that she has appeared in front of him, and hangs up the phone. "Where's Eric?" he asks. "He's upstairs. You okay?" she asks. Carter acts huffy. "Look, I'm really sorry! I felt like such a terrible person," Abby says. Okay, here's where she loses me a little. I felt like he was being surprisingly pissy to her given that Eric's never wronged Carter personally, and he doesn't have a history of pissing in public and then falling into open holes, so it's not like Abby had a precedent that could have determined that Eric would ruin the funeral. But here, Abby's apology is still All About Her. She felt like a terrible person, and she wants him to tell her that she isn't. What she should have said is, "I felt terrible for you," or, "I felt terrible," or even, "Eric feels terrible and I take responsibility for that." Anything but "Me me me, pots and pots of me!" Carter seems to agree. "It's been a bad time all around," he says.
A commotion distracts them. Curtis is throwing a tantrum that involves screaming that he's going to kill everyone who tried to hurt his family. "I'll take the world with me! I'll take them with me! WITH ME!" he screams. Whatever, Curtis. I think I'll stay right here, where there is Diet Coke, but thanks for the invitation. Carter walks over and calmly intervenes, suggesting that Curtis can either chill out or get carted off by security. Curtis chooses to yell "Take them with me!" one more time before opting to be cool. In his snit, though, he knocked into an IV stand that cut his head. Susan fetches a suture kit. Carter spies a telltale tattoo on Curtis's arm and asks if it's a Black Pharaoh marking. "No, man. Righteous Lords," Curtis sniffs. He exposits that he got out of the gangs because Diana asked him to, so now he's bagging groceries. But a rival gang is trying to run his neighborhood and apparently tagged his house when it found out Curtis didn't have backup anymore. He's filled with murderous rage, and Carter and Susan swap perturbed looks, because there's no lord more annoying than a righteous one.
Weaver hunts down Luka and reveals that the board, of course, rejected his request. But she did get them to admit that if a hypothetical kid with a hypothetical heart ailment hypothetically showed up at County with nowhere else to hypothetically go, then strictly hypothetically, County would not turn him away. Luka's all, "BINGO, suckers!" Kerry reminds him that this is all off the record. Luka thanks her with a delighted grin, and she pretends its brilliance doesn't make her reconsider the lesbianism choice.
Damn, Ante looks rough. The kid's sweaty and pasty and hooked up to an oxygen mask. Suddenly, we're on his plane, and Luka is charging aboard and scooping him up, carrying him off into the sunset.
Carter breaks the news to Curtis that his sister might be permanently paralyzed. Curtis gets that old shitkickin' gleam in his eye so that we know it's lead-pumping time. Then he goes in to see Noelle. "Hey there, baby girl," he coos. She's thrilled to see him. "We didn't do anything. Why'd they shoot at us?" she asks. Curtis tenses and says he's going home to fix the place up, but that he'll be back as soon as he can. Carter watches all of this as if he somehow needs this storyline in his life. Curtis charges out of the room and into the reception area, where a couple of hoods greet him. Carter's do-rag radar goes off, and he notices the red ones on Curtis's friends, which freaks him out. "You're back! Too bad it's like this, man," one of the hoods says to Curtis. Carter chases and asks where Curtis is going. "To fix things," Curtis seethes. "You did a good thing for your mom. Don't undo it now," Carter pleads. Curtis snarls that The Disciples undid it for him when they shot up his house. Carter isn't happy with this answer. He wanted rainbows and ponies. So he chases after Curtis and has the gall to touch him on the elbow. "You just didn't do that, right?" Curtis snaps. Carter pulls out the What Will I Tell Your Sister? card, which Curtis trumps with a chest-thumping decision to play the You Tell Her I'm a Damn Warrior ace. Carter makes one last-ditch attempt at reason by looking at Curtis really sternly and shaking his head a lot, because that's what always worked on him when Gamma wanted a blubbering admission of wrongness. But Curtis counters this with a narrow-eyed glare of I Want To Kill Everyone, Satan Is Good, Satan Is Our Pal, and all Carter can do is walk away, straight toward the commercial break. We go there half-wishing that Carter would strap on a red head-scarf and unleash his simmering inner homeboy.
Sky copter in flight. Afternoon delight. Ante's on the MedEvac with Chuck and Luka, and he's going into arrest. He can't breathe. Chuck wants to intubate, but Luka doesn't think he can get a good enough angle to do it properly. Chuck -- perhaps in the interest of defending both his professional skills and his manhood -- proceeds to execute a perfect intubation while explaining that you have to "get low, like having sex in a Volkswagen." Luka shrugs. He doesn't bang in anything that doesn't double as an advertisement for the size of his...tongue-depressor.
In the OR, Elizabeth scrubs in as a man wheels in a machine. "And you are?" she asks. "Echocardiologist," he says. "Kovac promised me Cubs tickets." Hee. Dorsett appears behind Elizabeth with a big ol' smile on his face. "This is a pleasant surprise," he says, pretending he didn't know she'd be there. "I didn't realize Dr. Kovac recruited you," she says, pretending she didn't know he'd be there. Clearly, these two need to get it on, and fast, and possibly with utensils.
On the helipad, Gordana and a team of extras wait for the MedEvac to land. Luka and Chuck wheel Ante out of the copter, but they have to stop because his heart does. There's a bit that's longer than it needs to be about getting his pulse back, and of course it does come back, because Luka's arc of redemption doesn't include a dying Croatian child.
They rush Ante inside and down to the OR, where Luka explains that he's intubated because of a pulmonary edema. Gordana leaves to scrub in. "It's all right, Luka, we have it," Elizabeth says gently. He looks up at her, worried and sad, and meets her calm and comforting stare. Luka whispers to Ante that he'll be okay now. Ante can't do anything but move his eyes, so he shifts them in such a way as to look grateful; he's already in this instant out-acted Chesty La Rue, whose technique involves the patented bend-and-dangle and little else. Luka looks up at Elizabeth, his eyes full of emotion, and she nods at him kindly. Swallowing and exhaling hard, Luka leaves.
Chuck and Susan stroll along the street at night. He has apparently gotten over the stress of rescuing Ante and moved straight into date mode. "It was a good gig, being married to you," Chuck says. "All in all, I have no complaints." He offers her a letter of recommendation, should she need it. "My résumé speaks for itself," Susan giggles. "Is that split move you do a special skill?" Chuck asks. Susan giggles again. They do a lot of laughing together. It's gotten to the point where all I look forward to are the Susan and Chuck scenes. Awkwardly, Susan suggests that annulling the marriage doesn't mean they should stop seeing each other. "I hear divorcées have the best sex," she offers. Chuck has a roommate, though, so they head off to...wait for it...a bench in Lincoln Park. Yep, nothing but the best for this lady. If they get married again, I have an empty cardboard box and some Styrofoam peanuts she can borrow for the honeymoon.
Luka watches Ante's surgery from the gallery, and calls Ante's mom to tell her that everything is going smoothly. When he hangs up, he just stares at the surgeons. Kerry, behind him, quietly promises to calm the outrage that will spill from the Fat Cats when they find out that their hypothetical situation so unexpectedly became terribly, terribly, terribly real. "I thought if I could save him, it would make me feel...I don't know, like, uh, maybe I was a doctor again," he whispers brokenly. We would have liked to see what Kerry said, but apparently TPTB decided to end the scene instead. Okay then.
Carter yawns. Jerry hangs up the phone and informs him that Abby is on her way down. "That'd be a first," Carter's pants think. "Ah, memories," Luka's pants think. A nearby Gallant sees Romano charging toward the exit and calls out, "Dr. Romano, how's it going?" Romano glares, "How's what going?" Gallant gulps, "Nothing." Good bitch.
Diana gets wheeled into a room, so Carter follows her in and pleasantly asks how she's feeling. "Is Curtis here?" she asks. Carter coughs that he had to go briefly, but promised to come back for a visit. "You're a doctor, and you dress so nice," she swoons. Carter's all, Yeah, thanks, cow, I'm grieving. And Diana's like, Sucks to be you, Puffy. And Carter's like, Yeah, it does, you think I like it that my face blew up suddenly? Seriously, I hope it's just that Noah Wyle's just tired from the baby, or something. He's looking rougher than usual. Diana asks when Curtis will be back, and Carter swears he'll have the doctors send him in when he arrives. "He's a good boy, my Curtis," she coos. Carter gives her the "You Hide Your Ignorance With Your Wig" look and leaves, shaking his head in pity.
Apparently, Ante's surgery is over, because Dorsett and Elizabeth are now strolling around outside. He asks how Luka convinced her to help. "He asked," Elizabeth shrugs. "Oh, that was easy," Dorsett teases. They walk for a bit, until he finally asks her what she'd like to do now. Elizabeth seems interested, but uncomfortable. "Look, normally at night, I'd be sitting at home watching Trading Places," Dorsett says. Either he misspoke and meant Trading Spaces, or Dorsett is the world's biggest Dan Aykroyd fan and likes to watch Principal Vernon get sexually assaulted by a gorilla. "But for you, it's ladies' night," he continues. Elizabeth laughs that he's absolutely right -- Ella is waiting. "I see, well, have I mentioned how much I love kids?" he says smoothly. Then, surprisingly earnestly, he offers her a lift home. She acts embarrassed by the attention, and hesitates. "Which way are you going?" she asks, a slight smile on her lips. "Whichever way you point me towards," he says. Again, he seems pretty genuine, but maybe that's just because I'm easy and he's pretty and I really, really need a hug. Elizabeth seems tempted, but in making her choice, she turns her head to the right and catches sight of a lone figure on a bridge, staring off over the water. She realizes it's Romano, and turns back to face Dorsett. "I'm really sorry, I just can't tonight," she states. "Can I take a rain check?"
Elizabeth then surprises Romano on the bridge. "How'd it go in Plastics?" she asks. Romano groans. "What did Gallant do, post it on the bulletin board?" he sighs. Elizabeth reveals with a tiny grin that Plastics consulted her because she'd treated him before. Romano lists a litany of treatment options they want him to pursue, and she quite hopefully says that sounds reasonable, but he already looks defeated by it. "I was making tea," he admits. "I put the pot on, I got distracted. My sling got caught on the burner, and my arm was on fire, and I didn't realize it until I saw the flames." Elizabeth tries to ascribe it to a lapse in sensory recovery, but Romano's heard that song before, and it only sounds good when two hammered male truckers sing it on karaoke night at the tiki bar. "I'm not recovering," he says. "I'll never get the feeling back." Elizabeth begins a lecture about how he has to take care of the arm at all costs. "It's over," Romano says. "You can't afford to have another infection!" she continues. "Lizzie, you're not hearing me. It's OVER," Romano says. She practically chokes on whatever was about to come out of her mouth. "It's time for me to cut my losses," he says softly. Elizabeth tries to protest, but he cuts her off: "We both know I'm better off without it," he says flatly. "You as much as said so." Her eyes moisten as she insists that all she meant was that amputation might be a possibility down the line. "I'm very, very glad we had this chat," Romano nods, effectively ending the conversation. She is the picture of shock and sadness, her mouth open slightly and her eyes close to tears. "Check the OR schedule and set it up?" he asks, trying to stay calm. "As soon as possible. I just want to be rid of the damn thing." And with a joyless smirk, he turns and lopes away, leaving Elizabeth looking totally gutted. Great scene for both of them.
Luka is in the lounge. Abby bursts in with a perturbed expression, seeking Carter. "He was here before," Luka replies. "Everything okay?" Abby starts to answer, then bites it back and shrugs hopelessly. "I heard about the boy," she says brightly, to change the subject. "Congratulations." Luka thanks her. "See you tomorrow," she says, moving to leave. Luka drops the bomb that he won't be there -- he's off to the Congo for the Alliance de Médicine Internacionale. Abby stops, startled. "I didn't realize it was so soon," she stammers. Luka nods. Gingerly, Abby moves toward him and they hug, first a little stiffly and then with a little more feeling. Luka smiles, looking almost relieved to be receiving affectionate human contact that didn't cost him a few dead presidents. Abby clings to him like he's the last thing she's got, with Eric crazy and mostly unwashed and Carter wearing undies that are wadded into a thong. She fights tears and pulls away. "Take care of yourself," she smiles mistily. "I mean it." He nods. "Hold down the fort," he says affectionately, and they part. It seemed like this hug was finally acknowledging that they're important to each other -- although, I think, just as friends. But it's still pretty sweet.
"She's in the lounge," Jerry calls to Carter. "Who?" Carter asks. Hee. A gunshot victim enters with the paramedics, and Pratt swings him toward the trauma room. There's no Attending, which stresses Carter. "Pratt needs an Attending," he frets. "You're an Attending," Jerry says. Carter is already gone. And I'd like to ask, since when? I feel like TPTB knows that people are sweating about what the hell Carter's job is and why his stint as Chief Resident has lasted so damn long, and they're toying with us like we're puppets. Which I don't like, because puppets are horrific and freaky.
Carter notices that the victim has a red bandanna on, and remembers him as one of Curtis's cronies. "Where's Curtis?" he shouts. "Don't know, man," moans the fallen Righteous Lord. The paramedic exposits that a few kids were pronounces on the scene. Carter chases them in to Trauma Yellow.
Abby wanders down the hall and spies Carter in the trauma room. She and Chen arrive at the same time. "I'm here," Chen says, taking over. Really? Well, where the hell have you been this whole hour? "Jing-Mei's got it," Abby says. Carter ignores everyone and keeps trying to help. Chen and Pratt try encourage him to leave. "John, let them take it," begs Abby. He snaps his head around and glares at her, fuming, before storming out of the trauma room. Abby chases him frantically. "Why don't we get out of here?" she suggests. "You know I came in to find you, right?" he spits. I'm not totally sure how she wronged him here. She was there to talk to him and he left to attend to Curtis, so she went back to Eric. He knew where to find her, and he didn't go looking. So I guess he's mad that she intervened in the trauma, which seems a little odd considering that the guy was slated to be Chen's patient and Chen was indeed there to take it. Carter snarls that he shouldn't have come. "It's okay, things can get better," she attempts lamely. "Can you do me a favor? Can you leave me alone?" he yells, his muscles tensed with anger. Abby is so taken aback that she almost retreats a few steps. As it is, she looks punched in the stomach. "What?" she sputters. "I need some time. Can you just go?" he asks, firmly. Abby, hurt, obeys him and exits into the hallway. Carter crumbles onto a gurney and sobs his heart out, shoulders shaking. Abby watches from outside, but makes the mistake that she already made once: she listens to him, and leaves. I think this entire episode, Carter wanted her to ignore him: he wanted her to show up at the house anyway, and he wanted her to come back into the room and let him cry on her shoulder. He wanted her to be there because she wanted to be there, and not because she felt like it was an obligation or that she had to please him. Abby didn't get that. She took him at face value, she felt like she'd screwed up, and she did what he told her to do. It's further proof that these people can't communicate, and that's why they're doomed. That, and the fact that they have the chemistry of water and...more water.