Previously on ER: The writers, possibly awed by the moistness of the nation's loins when he recitedHamletin Croatian, began crafting an excuse to get Luka workin' the native tongue on a regular basis. They settled on a Croatian boy being treated by Luka's former med-school colleague, Gordana; he needs a specialized heart procedure that no local surgeons can do. Susan, meanwhile, went to Vegas, and did by accident what so many people set out to do there: got sloshed and married, in that order. And did you hear? Abby has a brother! Who's depressed! And missing! And unstable! And depressed! Speaking of, Romano's been demoted to ER Chief, and it upset him, so he took it out on everyone else. This got him punched in a bar.
A hand reaches out and grabs moldy pizza off the ground, throwing it into a rattling junk cart. The hand belongs to the Crazy Death Hobo that tools around near the hospital, bringing vague omens and unique aromas. He passes a building, from behind which a shaking, sweating man staggers. "Okay, okay, okay," the man whispers, trying to steady himself. He fumbles for his pills, which fall into a puddle; with a noisy swish, we're taken to his drugged-up, hallucinating point of view. Tentacles reach up from the sludge and fasten around his wrist, trying to yank him down. Apparently American Idol isn't the only show with an underworld creature -- unless this is Tsathoggua, and he's migrating, angrily trying to get revenge on the world for finally voting Carmen Rasmusen off the show. In which case, he ought to be here to collect Abby. Anyway, the hallucinating man dithers around in a world of lights and blurry people and gurgling noises, and tries to climb away up a fire-escape ladder. He falls, landing on garbage bags. He's screaming.
Cut inside Trauma Green. Dr. Susan "Bride of Chucky" Lewis is trying to save the man, and does indeed get a pulse. "All right, he's back," she says. "Whoever he is." We smash into the credits actually unable to believe that this is the hook that's meant to keep us watching, because we totally don't care who Tsathoggua's Attempt At Supper is, and we know this was just the show letting the editors and the director have a little fun time.
Dr. John "O Gamma's Boy, The Pipes, The Pipes, Are Calling You" Carter trots through the ER. "What's Kerry doing here?" he asks Abby "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother" Lockhart. "Romano damage control," she shrugs. Then she spies a fat envelope in Carter's hand, and noses around about it. "It's from the Alliance de Medicine Internationale," he Frenches awkwardly. "I thought you said you weren't going," Abby bristles. Carter claims he isn't, but that because his shots are good for a year, they're sending him materials in the hope that he'll change his mind. "You didn't sign anything, did you?" she gripes. "Nooooo," Carter exhales. "It's a volunteer organization. They can't draft you." He points out that Luka's going to the Congo. "I know; he doesn't listen to me either," says the Oracle of Just Because My Life Sucks Doesn't Mean I Don't Know How To Run Yours. Carter abruptly switches the subject back to Weaver, asking if her presence means that Romano will disappear. "They moved his office out of Exam One, but that could just be because the urine smell was burning his eyes," she observes. Carter figures Weaver is simply trying to keep the ER staff from going insane, or having Romano fitted with a cement sling. "We tried that," she says. "They just keep putting him back together." Oh, I get it! He's Humpty Dumpty now! Because he's bald! And he had a great fall! Okay, wait, maybe that was a little funny.
As if on cue (except that, of course, he is), Dr. Robert "Rocket? I Barely Even Know It" Romano swoops in with a passel of the dorkiest med-student minions this show has ever assembled. Apparently, if you're a doctor, you're suave. If you're still just learning, you're Milhouse. Romano introduces the peanut gallery to Carter and exposits that he's their new leader. Carter appears both surprised to see them and shocked that, as Chief Resident, he's expected to do what all the other Chief Residents do -- which is, manage the med students. Even Carter seems to have forgotten that he's not really the second coming of Mark Greene: Inconsequential, But Titled. With the grace of a corpse doing pirouettes, Romano reminds Carter of his duties and of the fact that it's a teaching hospital they run. The peanut gallery waves goofily. "Don't worry, he's a lot smarter than he looks," Romano oozes. "Dr. Carter has been with us for, what, four year?" Carter coughs, "Nine." Romano smiles. "Ah, well, hopefully you'll all be quicker studies." The happy smiles of the peanut gallery indicate that they, too, hope they will learn to sack up faster than Carter has.
Incoming trauma: George, suffering from chest pain. It's an apparent heart attack. George is sassy about it, but it's inconsequential sass -- the most annoying kind -- so we're going to ignore it. Jerry announces an arriving MVA victim. "My dance card is full," Carter says, wheeling George purposefully down the hall. Abby trots off to get Susan.
Abby finds Susan with Crazy Bob, who is at the moment lying torture-free in a bed. Abby lets Susan know that a trauma's incoming on a helicopter. Casually, Susan asks if it's Chuck's unit, which elicits an amused grin from Abby. "Yeah, I know, it's weird, but there's something about him," Susan admits. "He makes me feel good." Abby shoots her a knowing glance -- which is to say, she knows Susan and Chuck have been engaging in intense genital stimulation followed by sexual intercourse and orgasms, if you get what I'm saying, and I think you just might. "Not that way," Susan tsks. Then she pauses. "Well, that way too," she allows. "But you know what I mean." I think we do: he's a better kisser than Carter, the wettest fish since Wanda chugged an Evian while swimming.
Abby sits down to Whacked-Out Ed and reads that he's on anti-psychotic drugs. She asks him how many he's taken. "All gone," he convulses. 'I need more." Susan warns him that taking too many will stop his heart, but he babbles that the pills scramble the signal and keeps "them" from finding him by reading his neural patterns. Abby politely promises that no one will find him there, but he wails that he knows they can. Jerry barges in suddenly and announces that Abby's brother Eric is on the phone. "WHAT?" Abby bleats, swiveling. "Uh, okay, I'll be right there." She exposits to a puzzled Susan, surprisingly calmly, that she doesn't know what's up with Eric because this is the first time she's heard from him in two months. Wow, has it been that long? Can you believe it? Because it's felt like three hours. Abby turns back to Nutty Pete, who is pitching a quivering fit, and holds down his arms firmly. "They can't scan you in here," she avers. "Radiology is upstairs, and the floors and the walls are lined with lead. And even if they weren't, this place will be blockaded with a thousand anvils by the end of the hour, anyway." Susan looks impressed with Abby's competence. "My name's Abby," she says. "I'm going to help you. Okay?" She looks right into his eyes; he searches hers, understands that he's filling the Eric role for the first half of this episode, and seems satisfied. Susan suggests that they get restraints; Abby foists Insane Mike off onto another nurse so that she can take her phone call.
Ah, but Eric has already hung up, saying he'll call again in an hour. Abby's not happy about this, and pumps Jerry for details, but he doesn't know any because, for some reason, he's chosen not to make Abby's family life his business. He is lucky to have had this choice. We didn't have that luxury. "Are you the only person in this hospital who doesn't know about my crazy family?" Abby sighs. Jerry doesn't care. Abby distractedly orders Jerry to find her when he calls back -- "Drag me out of the stall if you have to," she insists. "Can I?" he giggles. Rolling her eyes, Abby leaves Maggie a message informing her that Eric called, and asking if she's heard from him too.
Dr. Greg "Biggus" Pratt"us" grabs Abby and introduces her to Andrew, a patient with a sore throat. Romano passes and bitches that Andrew should be gone by now. "I'm still working him up," Pratt explains. Romano shakes his head and throws four charts at Pratt. "I've already got eight," Pratt complains. Romano mercilessly snaps that he'll get four more every fifteen minutes, so Pratt had better start turfing people, "starting with Throat Boy" Pratt is pissed. "[Andrew] has a low-grade fever and adenopathy," Abby offers to try to get Romano to keep him there. "If I wanted a nurse's opinion...well, I don't know what I'd do, because quite frankly, it's never happened," he snaps. Yeah, except for last week, or did the bar patrons beat that memory away? And why were we forced to watch that fiery dung if it's going to be swept under the rug? Romano has the merest hint of a black eye and that's it. Grr. Totally pointless. Romano blows off Andrew's sore throat and demands that Pratt dismiss him.
Then, the weather changes from an ill wind to a gentle one. Romano spies a cute woman with shoulder-length curls and buzzes over to her, stinger most probably en pointe. "Hi, I'm Rocket Romano, head of the ER, and you look a little lost," he says smoothly, and I just worship the idea that he thinks introducing himself as "Rocket" is going to somehow fire up her launchers. "Dr. [Gordana] Horvat," she says in accented English. "You're a doctor?" he brightens. "Surgeon," she explains. "I'm visiting from Croatia." Romano grins that he's a visiting surgeon, too -- neglecting to mention that he's visiting from his high horse -- and invites her for coffee. A delighted Dr. Luka "Slurp" Kovac interrupts. "Hey, have you been here long?" he asks, grinning at Gordana. Romano stiffens a tad -- and not in the way he wanted to -- when he realizes that they're acquainted. And here's a nice little error, or at least I assume: Luka says, "She's here to observe a correction of a congenital heart repair," he says. Now, shouldn't that be "congenital heart defect," or am I missing a really special double meaning to the word "repair" that I'd only know if I'd blown a substantial wad on years of medical school? It's cute that Goran flubbed his line, though he does need a stern spanking for his sin, and I know just the handy recapper to do it. Naughty Goran. Get over my knee. Incidentally, I totally had a dream about him the other night where we were going to hook up, but in my dream, my brain was still analytical and somehow watching the dream and it was going back and forth about how to make this fantasy scenario plausible: did his real-life wife simply not exist, or were they divorced? My brain decided on the former, but the reason why was not convenience or the easy "Hey, moron, this is a dream, do whatever you want," but because the alternative would mean he'd gone through something really painful, and I didn't want that, and also it might mean I was the rebound girl and it would doom our love. Our dream love. Now, what's that all about? Should I be worried about myself?
Um. Anyhoo, Luka turns to Gordana and cheerfully says in Croatian, "You don't want to get too close to this one...Let's just say it's not a good idea." Romano regards them pleasantly. "Such a beautiful language," he coos. Then he suggests that he shouldn't keep Luka any longer, because by looking at the board it certainly seems he's already behind on his patient load; tiring of passive-aggression -- so, craving something a little more direct and meaty -- Romano toddles off.
"[Rocket] seems nice enough," Gordana Croatians. "He's a prince," Luka giggles to himself. They exchange pleasantries, and he expresses regret that he couldn't set up the operation at County. Gordana smiles that Mercy's facilities are all new and top-notch, so it's fine. "It may be just as well, then," he says. "That's not what I meant," she amends. "It's okay, this place is falling apart. No money, no staff -- it's perfect for me," he says. He's smiling, but the implication appears to be that he's as run-down as County. But at least he has a staff, and one that we know doesn't shirk the work.
The elevator opens and coughs up Susan and Chuck, wheeling a twenty-six-year-old car-accident victim. "Want to see what American ER doctors do?" Luka asks in English. "I guess so," Gordana replies. The bullet: Chuck tubed the patient in the copter. Luka introduces Gordana to Susan, who manages a distracted hello.
Abby and Dr. Kerry "Alderman? What Alderman?" Weaver consult about a patient we haven't seen yet. This scene somehow made it through into the episode even though most of the rest of the storyline got axed. Basically, Abby is asking if she should call a social worker, but Kerry says no. "She may not be Mother of the Year, but I don't know that she'd hurt the child," she muses. Abby thinks the mother's too evasive to be trusted. Whatever. It's hard to care. I can only assume they didn't leave this in just for padding, but because this story will recur in more detail in future episodes.
Either way, Romano joins them, wondering aloud why Kerry is slumming it. He throws Abby a smock and orders her to help him don it. "I'm still working shifts," Weaver says. "Wow, the perks down here never stop, do they?" he snarks. "What are you doing, Robert?" she asks, noticing that he's getting ready for a trauma. Well, I don't know, Kerry -- doing what you used to do when you ran the ER? "Observing and evaluating," he says. "Belittling and bullying?" she counters, walking away. Romano stalks toward the trauma room. "Gloves too," he barks at Abby. She cocks an eyebrow, then says innocently, "Want both?" Ha.
In Trauma Green, Luka wants a neurologist to help with the accident victim, who we'll call Mac because he's wearing a lot of blue eye-shadow and looks a lot like the bizarrely done-up cow at the MAC counter who once tried to tell me that red eyeliner would be brilliant with my coloring. Romano enters just as Chuck realizes that Mac's "Marilyn Manson manicure" is impeding things. Gordana wonders why. "Nail polish keeps the oxygen saturation probe from working," Luka Croatians. Susan is positioned over his head checking the airway. "I saw it go in," Chuck insists. "No offense; I check all the paramedics' tubes," Susan says softly. But don't be jealous, Chuck -- she married you, pal. Romano crabs that it's necessary to check because the EMTs miss the mark half the time. "Quiet! I can't hear breath sounds," Luka shouts. Susan confirms that the intubation is fine. "Told you," Chuck sasses. Luka offers to let Gordana help, but she shakes her head; Susan yells for Elizabeth. "She's still door," Abby says. "What, does she need a personal invite?" Romano says angrily, barging into the room Elizabeth is in...
...where she is examining a Mrs. Reynolds, who had abdominal pain and a fever. "Which magically resolved...after passing gas," Elizabeth says impatiently. Dr. Jing-Mei "Deb" Chen and Michael "Remember When I Insulted Romano In Front of A Patient? Do You Think The Writers Do?" Gallant stand by with their patient, listening. Gallant frets that her belly is tender. "Admit her to service and work her up," Romano says brightly. Elizabeth refuses, and he angrily chases after her. Now, I confess, I don't really get this part -- was he telling her to admit Mrs. Reynolds to the surgery ward and be responsible for her up there? He must have been, because Elizabeth crabs at him that if he wants to re-consult her after a CT scan, that's fine, but otherwise she refuses to admit Mrs. Reynolds just so that Romano can empty ER beds. Wait, I guess that wasn't so complicated. Maybe it's later that I get confused. We'll soon find out.
Abby interrupts Elizabeth and Romano's tense confrontation to bring Lizzie into the trauma room. Romano adopts a "duh" expression and points toward the trauma room, as if that's all he was going to say when he chased her, and she got her knickers in a sharp twist. "Let me guess: infectious gangrene from a paper cut?" she sneers at Romano. I guess she wasn't happy that they called for a consult without having done more thorough tests on Mrs. Reynolds? I don't really know. Romano, very unfortunately, chooses this moment to release his inner child, and actually does that idiotic thing where he mimics what she's saying in a sing-song, mocking tone. It's pretty awful. I'm embarrassed for him.
Mac's proving not nearly as tough as that long-wearing face paint he's sporting. Luka regularly murmurs to Gordana in Croatian, explaining various things they're doing, which I found condescending until I remembered she's a surgeon and, therefore, is allegedly as inept at ER procedures as this show claims Romano is. "What's your excuse for not taking this one up, Lizzie? No exposed bowels?" Romano sneers. "Give it a rest, Robert," she says sharply. Abby looks impressed. Elizabeth spies some internal bleeding. "All bleeding eventually stops," Romano snipes. "You could probably leave this one here, too." Elizabeth stops what she's doing here and fixes him with the most contempt-filled glare ever, and it's really pretty brilliant. Alex Kingston is great at the withering stares, although sadly this one bounces off Humpty's reconstructed shell.
At this point, things in the trauma room have become something of a clusterfuck. The usual chaos is heightened by the fact that nothing's quite working on Mac, Susan seems stressed, Romano is being an ass, Elizabeth is busy shooting daggers at her old boss, and Luka is humming things in Croatian at Gordana. Romano yells at them to pull it together and demands an end to what he terms "the Transylvanian play-by-play." He then points out that Mac isn't breathing well; one lung's useless and the other's not much better. They determine that his right lung is collapsed. In a manner that confuses me a little, Luka basically implies that this all boils down to a mistake Chuck made -- either that he didn't detect the already-collapsed lung, or that he incorrectly chose to intubate and made a bad situation worse, or somehow didn't quite intubate the way he should've. "We don't know that," Susan snaps. "They should've heard it in the helicopter," Luka growls. Susan insists that it's hard to hear things up there. Luka blinks. "Knife," Susan shouts. Abby sort of puts it in Susan's outstretched hand and sort of doesn't. Susan drops it and blames Abby, telling her to pay better attention, while Abby insists more quietly that Susan bungled it herself. "It's not usually like this," Luka pleasantly tells Gordana. Frustrated, Susan barks at Gordana to wait outside. "She's just observing," Luka defends her. "We have enough people in here just observing," Susan spits. "If you think you can do it all yourself, Susan, we can all step out," Luka offers calmly. "Might go faster," she retorts. "Might go a lot faster if he came in properly intubated," Luka counters. Elizabeth drinks in this sweet elixir of chaos and sweetly compliments Romano on the obvious positive effects of his stellar attitude and leadership skills. "How do you say 'Bite my big one' in Croatian?" Romano spits. "He's Bradying down, if anybody's interested," Abby offers. We fade to black pretty sure that nobody is.
Carter evaluates a young patient while the peanut gallery watches eagerly. They fire question after question at him, most of which involve words ending in "itis" and a lot of "ph" and "b" sounds. This peanut gallery is well-read and overexcited. "I've never done a rectal," says one we'll call Salted, with a hopeful smile. Carter sighs and hands a case each to three pairs of peanuts and tells them to present the case to him shortly. Honey-Roasted raises his hand, but Carter declares a moratorium on questions from anyone in spectacles. The patient watches them roll away, relieved. "They were giving me a headache," the patient comments. "Me, too," Carter mutters.
Turning away, Carter sees Pratt and hands him an envelope. He's got one for Gallant, too. "Match day!" Gallant grins. "I thought you matched here already." Pratt shares that it was just a one-year transitional thing. Gallant tears open his envelope and crows that he's been matched to County. Pratt offers condolences, but Gallant apparently requested it. Maybe he gets off on Romano's tyranny. Maybe it feels like boot camp to him. Carter passes again and congratulates his charge on the match. Pratt rubs his envelope on his forehead. "Talk to me, baby. Talk to me, baby," he murmurs, opening it. His face breaks into a wide grin. He begins to laugh. "I got Northwestern. I'm going uptown, baby!" he cheers. Then he starts bowing to no one in particular and doing a little victory jig. Weaver walks by and dumps a chart in his hand. "What's this?" he protests. "LOL with phlebitis," she says. There they are again, the "ph" and the "b" sounds. If you are my doctor and you want to scare me, diagnose me with something that has a lot of those consonants in it, and as few vowels as possible. Pratt complains, but Weaver casually points out that if he has time to boogie, he's got time for phlebitis.
Elizabeth wheels Mac out of the trauma room and gripes that she sure hopes his brain will survive the lack of perfusion. Man, me too. Gosh. I really do. Now, what is that again? Presumably Mac lost oxygen to the noggin, and if that's not right, well, it doesn't matter that much. Abby ditches them and rushes to the desk to ask Frank whether her brother has called. "I thought he disappeared," Frank blinks. I love that Frank is on top of all this stuff. Abby bites her tongue, takes a deep breath, and then asks where Jerry is. "Break," Frank replies. The phone rings and Frank answers. "That him?" Abby asks breathlessly. "Nope," Frank says glibly.
Gordana sidles up to the desk and politely asks Abby to tell Luka that she's heading out. "He should be back in a minute," Abby promises. "We just sent that trauma upstairs." Then, gingerly, Abby introduces herself and shakes Gordana's hand. Gordana re-exposits that she and Luka are med-school chums. "He was what you'd call a character back then," Gordana smiles. "Luka?" Abby asks curiously. Gordana fondly remembers what a practical joker he was, to fellow students and professors alike. "You could always tell when Luka was in the building because you'd hear him laughing," Gordana says. And also, the floors were wet with drool. "You know that laugh of his," she adds. Abby stares at her and then twitches her lips in a combination of interest, sadness, and disbelief. Then Abby shakes her head. "He...doesn't really laugh much at work," Abby offers. Gordana's face falls a tad. "He seems like he's changed," Gordana frets diplomatically. "Well, there's the unrequited love he had for a women bearing another man's twins, and the dead Bishop, and our ugly breakup, and the medical flubs, and the drinking, and the broken Dodge Penis, and the really bad chick from Popular, and the sexing up of patients' mothers, and the mood swings," Abby says. "We always knew he'd be the one who made it big," Gordana weeps proudly. Actually, Abby just says he's been through a lot, and Gordana sadly admits that she thought she'd come over and find him married to an American recapper -- fine, "supermodel" -- and have three kids and a dog. "His wife, Danijela, would've wanted that," she muses. Abby seems affected.
Susan yells for Abby to page Psych again, because Mad Willie is getting restless. When Abby joins her, Susan nods at Gordana and whispers, "Do I need to apologize to her?" Abby figures that it's fine, because Gordana seems great. "Then I'll apologize to you," Susan sighs. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to turn into a bitch in that trauma room." Abby brushes it off, saying she was really unfocused herself. Susan asks if Abby's spoken to Eric, and when the answer is no, she marvels that guys just never seem to call when you need them to, and oh my, that is gospel indeed.
Susan stops at Frank's desk and asks if the MedEvac has left. "Use the Helicopter Check System," Frank suggests. "Go to the roof and check. If the helicopter isn't there, they left." Susan scowls. "Frank, are you taking anything for your cholesterol?" she asks. "No," he says. "Good," she nods.
Abby orders Frank to call Dr. Meyers (the fetus who tried to shrink Luka's head) and threaten to send Wacky Jack up there unless he comes down immediately to evaluate the poor lad. She then joins Ron Insanity, who is thrashing and panting and wheedling that he has to leave because he can tell "they" are penetrating his synaptic code. Why hasn't anyone put him in proper restraints yet? Oh, wait, sorry -- the promo department wrote this scene. Abby calmly talks him down, restraining him herself. "Look at me, James. You know I'm not trying to hurt you!" she pleads firmly. "I'm keeping you safe. That's what I do." A fat anvil shoves open the door with the message, "Eric is on line one," and Abby thanks the anvil without breaking eye contact with Martin Nutjob, because she's trying out on him all the lines she expects she'll need to use on Eric. Bo Freaktastic finally settles down, and she hurries to the phone. "Eric?" she says. "Where are you? Are you okay?" Suddenly, Engleburt Fruitcake's eyes fly open. He's hearing her say things she isn't saying, like, "We've caught him," and, "He's not cooperating." He can't really see clearly because Abby had injected him with some Haldol, I think. Abby is actually establishing that Eric is off his meds. She jots down the number of the phone booth he's using to call her, and just as she's done, Zany Bill throws Abby into the wall and tries to restrain her. She drops the phone and covers her face, but manages to pull the fire alarm. Al Mental drops Abby and she curls up on the floor, protecting her head, while he runs screaming out of the ER. Abby staggers to her feet and tells Frank to call Security, and then gives chase, but by the time she's outside, there's no sign of this pointless character who existed only so that the show could do some tripped-out lighting effects at the top of the hour. Rah. Wait, sorry -- I meant, "Feh." Incidentally, Doc Magoo's is not only closed, but appears to be boarded up.
Inside, Chen rolls her eyes at the still-screaming fire alarm. Pratt attaches himself to her and says, "Now you see why I want to get the hell out of this place." Chen playfully insists that it's not that bad there. "I left County once, but I came back," she says, all serene and pompous. Blech. "Something about this place gets in your blood," she adds. Pratt attributes this to asbestos, then leers at Chen that he wants her to help him celebrate the Northwestern assignment. She fingers his tie. "What did you have in mind?" she salivates. Ew. Get a room. In Cleveland. Poor innocent Gallant trots up at just that moment and interrupts the mental slurpings of these our intrepid shagbirds. Mrs. Reynolds's fever spiked and he's worried. "Find me later," Chen gurgles at Pratt.
Mrs. Reynolds moans that her gut is going to burst. This can't be good. "Lemme guess -- she ruptured her intraperitoneal pus," Romano says, joining Chen and Gallant. Wow. Hot. Chen announces that Mrs. Reynolds is septic. "My gut's killing me," wails Mrs. Reynolds. "This has to mean vomit," I say out loud. "BRAAAAAAAAP," says the NBC Vomit Comet, dumping its orange contents from the woman's mouth onto Romano's white sleeve. Welcome back, old pal. The toe-fearing public has missed your predictable shenanigans. Gallant helps Romano remove the coat. "Should I page Corday?" Chen asks. "Screw that," Romano spits. "If she can't diagnose [this repellent abscess of the gut, or something], then she sure as hell can't fix it." He peels off the vomit-soaked bandage on his arm, and reveals a really nasty red sore. Even Chen's grossed out. "Looks necrotic, you should get it debrided," she says. On the tip of my tongue, really, that was. Romano lists all the symptoms and the patient's history and concludes that it was a classic case that Elizabeth missed. I don't quite get why she's getting blamed -- she sure seemed crabby, but did Chen and Gallant not think to investigate the patient's history earlier when they were first so confused about her fever and abdominal pain? It's all a little confusing to me. I need to be beaten over the head with this. I need subtitles that explain this stuff, and that are maybe a little sassy. Romano dramatically decides that it's too late to take her to the OR because she's already septic. "We have to do this under ultrasound," he says. "Put her in Trauma Two." Chen and Gallant are shocked.
Jerry calls Carter to the phone, but Malik yells that George, his heart-attack patient, coded. He chooses Door #2 and orders Jerry to take a message. Jerry tries, but the caller says it's urgent, so he hands the phone to Weaver.
As Carter works in Trauma Yellow, Kerry slowly approaches and softly implores Carter to take the phone call. He hears her, but continues working. "It's your grandmother," Kerry murmurs. Carter seems torn but keeps on working with George. "John," Kerry says, louder. He turns. Weaver is the picture of pity. "I'm sorry," she says gently. "Is she dead?" he asks -- and his tone is all business, totally calm, as if Gamma had been lying in a coma and he'd said his goodbyes and was waiting for the flatline. This felt really, really weird. "I'm sorry," Kerry repeats. Carter nods, turns back to George, and we fade to black feeling like we got robbed yet again of a potentially emotional moment, and completely confused as to why the show chose to make it all, "Is she dead? Okay," like it wasn't a big deal and he won't miss tying the apron strings into pretty bows.
The peanut gallery hovers expectantly around George's coding body. Carter's been trying to revive him for twenty-four minutes. "Does anyone survive after this long?" Unsalted asks. "What's the most times you've ever shocked somebody?" Carter ignores them. Still-In-The-Shell pipes up that he heard no one comes back after three tries. Obviously, then, Carter successfully gets a rhythm. "Guess you heard wrong," he grumbles. "Is he ever going to wake up?" Honey Roasted asks. "Let's wait and see," Carter exhales, storming out into the room and tearing off his gloves. Leaning against a shelf, he hangs his head.
Gordana hangs up her cell phone, bothered. Luka approaches, so she explains in Croatian that the boy, Ante, can't get into the country because of what the State Department claims is a visa problem. "I've spent weeks trying to find someone to do the surgery, and now he's going to die because of bureaucracy," she worries. Ah, fear not, Gordana. Our embattled hero eats red tape for dinner.
Weaver chases Abby. "I told you not to call DCFS," she rails. Oh, this baby story again. This was so badly done. What the hell? I guess they had to leave these scene stubs in, because they're attached to other moments TPTB evidently felt the episode couldn't do without or work around somehow. But it's just really distracting and kind of lame to have little nuggets of story that don't even go anywhere within the hour featuring them. Abby says she called Adele, not DCFS. "And Adele called DCFS," Weaver snaps. Frank cheerfully asks Abby if she found the patient she lost, which appalls and alarms Weaver in a funny way. Abby tries to explain, but Weaver can't quite get her brain around it. Abby orders Frank to trace the location of Eric's phone booth. "Is this patient a threat?" Weaver sputters. Abby doesn't know, or care. She has the real Eric now. She doesn't need the stand-in loon.
Susan sees Chuck and flags him down. "How's the patient?" he asks. "He went upstairs," she says. "Hopefully not brain-dead from prolonged hypotension." Chuck tenses and defensively insists that it was a good intubation. He calls her "Suze," which she doesn't like. "One, call me 'Susan.' Two, the lung was down," she rails. "Do you know how hard it is to hear anything on that chopper, with the rotors and the vibration and the headphones?" he blasts. She herds him into an exam room, where her tone totally softens. "I do know," she says. Basically, she says she stood up for him, and he's sort of irritated that she feels like she has to protect him because she's a doctor and he's a nurse. "I know how they bag on the EMTs," she protests. Chuck slowly begins chuckling. "We bag on doctors all the time," he beams. "You're protecting me." Susan blushes, and Chuck advances toward her. "Chuck," she warns with a smile. "Susan," he giggles, going for her neck. "Charles," she tries again. "There's a dead body in here! It's gross...it's disrespectful!" But she can't resist, and they end up kissing, and it would seem Chuck's chopper's headed for her landing pad.
Of course, Luka catches them. "Sorry, I was looking for Dr. Carter," he says, startled but already totally laughing. Gordana seems bemused. "He was just here, wasn't he?" Susan says. "Yeah," Chuck nods. She yanks the curtain back, revealing the dead body. "He left," she says, jerking the curtain back in place and crossing her arms in an attempt at innocence. Luka smirks his way out of the room. "Was that a dead body in there?" Gordana gapes. "American doctors can be very unprofessional," Luka snickers. This is completely the pot telling the kettle to lay off the Ding-Dongs and stop wearing horizontal stripes. I think he knows it, too, the scamp. He's hot when he's hypocritical.
Romano flags down Gordana and asks her if she's ever drained an abscess of the kind Mrs. Reynolds has. Gordana nods. "Come with me now," he demands. Gordana is flustered as Romano explains that Gordana's going to do it under ultrasonic guidance; Romano drags Gordana into the trauma room and throws a consent form at Mrs. Reynolds. "What happens if I don't [sign]?" she asks. "You'll probably die," he shrugs. Gordana softly Croatians that she's not sure she should do this. Luka promises to work with her. "What are they saying?" moans Mrs. Reynolds. "Pillow talk," Romano replies. Seriously, Luka could hop in bed with me and say "drain my abscess of pus" over and over again in his native language, and I'd be so fine with it.
Carter assigns Malik some pickup work on his patients, and Malik seems happy to help, and concerned. Carter tries to call his mother, but she's not available -- she's been stashed in Antarctica to avoid the spring thaw. He pokes his head into Trauma Green to try to find Abby, but she's not there -- instead, he sees the surgical procedure being done in the ER by a doctor who's not on staff. "What are you doing?" Carter asks. "What's it look like?" Romano says. "A lawsuit," Carter assesses. Shut up, Carter. We already have a Weaver around here. "I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother, Carter," Chen says, with a tinge of pity but not much other real emotion. That's disappointing. Way to be heartfelt. Carter chokes that he's leaving, and Susan's covering for him. "How old was she?" Romano asks. "Seventy-eight," Carter answers. "We should all be so lucky," Romano says, but he encourages Carter to go. "Couple more Croatians and I could really clean house around here," he comments.
Luka swiftly runs after Carter and asks if he knows anyone in the State Department. Rather than go, "Wha --" Carter asks why, and then determines that he doesn't have time to do anything about it anyway and tells Luka in a thick voice that it's a bad time. Luka promptly leaves, his face not registering much of anything. Nice try. Fighting emotion while dialing his father, Carter asks Jerry to find Abby and fetch her. He reaches his father and, sniffling slightly, arranges to collect him from the airport that evening.
When Carter hangs up, Abby's there. "I've been looking for you!" she says. "I've been looking for you," he replies tiredly. Pratt interrupts with Andrew, whose sore throat and inflamed epiglottis are causing real breathing problems. Carter and Abby run over to assist Pratt with his first crike. While they work, Carter and Abby miscommunicate: He asks if she's ready to leave, she cheerfully says she is. "Good, I don't want to do this alone," he says, relieved. Abby blinks. "What are you talking about?" she asks. "The arrangements, everything has to be taken care of..." he begins. Abby repeats that she doesn't understand. "What are you talking about?" Carter asks, confused. "Going to get Eric," she duhs brightly. Carter pales as Abby explains that he called from a truck stop outside Des Moines. "Oh, and I need a script for Depakote and Zyprexa," she says. Carter is shell-shocked. "What's wrong?" she asks. He breaks the news that Gamma is dead. She is an ex-Gamma. She is no more. Even Pratt looks sad, and Abby is totally floored. "Oh, Carter, I'm so sorry," she breathes. "No one told me." Pratt takes over so that they can have a moment.
Carter leans against the wall and laments that he not only turned down a chance to see Gamma, even if it was at a boring committee meeting, but that he ignored a call from her last night because he didn't feel like talking. The whole time, Abby is rubbing his upper arm and regarding him with concern. "You spent more time with her than anybody," she says. "She lived a very full and happy life, and you were a big part of that." Some people found that insensitive, but she seems way warmer then chilly Chen was, and honestly I think she's just trying to assuage his guilt at ignoring Gamma recently by pointing out that the rest of the time, he was great to her and Gamma adored him for it. Carter, while he talks, is writing out the prescription Abby wanted. Under no duress, either; he just does it. "She wasn't sick, she wasn't in pain, she was in her own bed," Abby lists. "Not a bad way to go." Her tone is gentle. Then she promises to be back that night from Iowa. Carter stops, startled. He doesn't get why she needs to go to Iowa when she could shack up in the Carter manse and not have to worry about bursting Gamma's hearing aid. "Do you have to go?" he asks. "My father's flying in, and the funeral arrangements..." Abby seems rueful, but resolute. "I have to go get him," she avers. Carter doesn't get why, because Eric's been gone for two months and he doesn't think one more day will matter. Which is insensitive, because this is the first time he's contacted her since vanishing; it's not like he's been in touch and she's just choosing this very second to fly to him. Abby explains that Eric's off his medication and might flee again if she doesn't show up. Carter stares at her in disbelief, then shakes his head with a bitter smile and huffs away. "I'll be back tonight, John," she calls, running after him. "Go find your brother," he spits. "My grandmother will still be dead when you get back." Abby stops, stung, and lets the lounge door close behind him. We fade to black either hating Carter or wanting to smack Abby; few people seem to fall in between.
My take on it is that Eric was as vital a part of Abby's childhood as Gamma was in Carter's -- both had neglectful or distant mothers, for one reason or another, and it seems that they filled the void with their family member of choice. And the thing is, Carter, you little brat, Gamma will still be dead when Abbys back, but if she stays, Eric might disappear for good, or hurt himself after thinking she is ignoring him, or maybe hurt someone else. Eric is the variable, the one whose fate isn't sealed, and he was her life when she was a kid and raising him without Maggie, so obviously she is going to insist that she needs to go. I do wish Abby had hugged Carter or reached out to him a little more gently, but Carter was so wrapped up in being bitter that he really pissed me off and I sort of wanted to kick him in the shin. It's not about whose life problem is bigger, weenie. It's about trying to handle them both, and the sad reality is, Abby's problem might get solved if she goes, whereas Carter's grief will drag on a while. It will be here. Eric might not be. I just don't see why Abby wouldn't, or shouldn't, go -- especially since she'll be back in a day. Maybe that makes me nasty, but I feel like we were supposed to feel sorrier for Carter, yet I actually think Abby got a raw deal here.
Romano sends Gallant upstairs to Elizabeth with Mrs. Reynolds. "What should I tell Corday?" Gallant asks. "That she's welcome," Romano sneers. He turns and bumps smack into the peanut gallery, all with their eyes wide open, looking nuttier than ever. "Good God, it's the Stepford children," he says. "Where's your handler?" Um, you dealt with that already, buddy. Salted brightly explains that Carter said Romano would handle them for the rest of the day. "Isn't he generous with my life," Romano sighs.
Romano takes the gallery into Andrew's room, unceremoniously ordering Pratt to present this case to the students. Pissed off, Pratt tells the students how Romano sacrifices proper examinations in favor of turfing patients quickly, and therefore missed Andrew's true affliction. "It looks benign, but when pain is out of proportion to the exam, you must visualize the epiglottis with either a lateral x-ray of the neck, a fiber-optic scope, or a right-angled mirror," Pratt says, really getting into his dramatic little tale. Romano seethes that Andrew's a wimp with a pediatric illness. "Maybe back in the day, but we tend to see [epiglottitis] in adults now more and more," Pratt finishes, grinning from ear to ear. "If one takes the time to look for it." Romano furiously boots the peanuts out of the room and growls that Pratt just bought himself a month of midnight shifts. Pratt grins. He's seen The Breakfast Club so he knows there's a diamond earring coming his way pretty soon. "Good, I love the nightlife," he giggles.
Susan bumps into Luka and asks about the trauma-room situation with Gordana, but Luka shrugs it off as no big deal. "Unless there's complications," Susan points out. Then she swallows hard and casually tries to correct his impression of what happened in the exam room when he caught her with her tongue hanging out of her mouth, and into someone else's. "You mean with the flight nurse?" Luka grins. "Chuck," she scolds. "And technically, we're married." Luka rises so that she can fully appreciate how cute he is when he's teasing. "Oh, so it's technically okay to boff" -- and here, he holds on the word to pique her memory -- "your husband in a hospital?" He's so amused. He's been so happy this episode. "We weren't boffing, we were talking!" she protests. "It's still not the same as a patient's mother!" Luka stops on his way out and chuckles, "Hey, at least I used an empty room." Best scene in the episode, and it was a nice use of prior events, too. I always expect this show to run away from continuity.
Weaver drops a sheaf of papers, and a suit-and-tie-clad Carter pauses to help her collect them. She thanks him, juggling an enormous medical text. "What are you doing here?" she asks. He explains that he's about to go pick up his father at the airport. Weaver asks him about genetic disorders that cause a buildup of ethalene glycol, and it's got to be related to the missing baby storyline, so who cares. Basically, Weaver offers Carter a few days off, pretending it's because he was slaving so hard to revive George, because for some reason she can't come right out and say it's because he's grieving and that makes her sad. "I'm not on until Saturday," he informs her. "Good night."
On the way out, though, Carter catches Romano and the Peanuts chopping up George's warm, living body. "What are you doing?" Carter steams. "I'm teaching," Romano says, shouting out surgical instructions to the crazy-eager students with scalpels. "Stop," Carter whispers wearily. Romano crabs that George is brain-dead and is going to arrest in four hours anyway, and that he has no -of-kin, so medical science just became the poor dying schmuck's dearest relative. "I said STOP!" Carter rages, shoving all the students out of the room. "He's a medical patient, not a cadaver lab!" Romano tries to send Carter home, but Carter quite forcefully pushes him away, and Romano doesn't press the issue because Carter's ahead of him in the credits. Angrily, Carter throws an instrument tray as George flatlines.
Abby arrives at a seedy Iowa diner and finds Eric sitting alone, looking like a stereotypical trucker but without a giant beer gut or Corn Nuts in his beard. Eric peers up at her, then jumps up and hugs her. "I wasn't sure you'd come," he says gratefully. "I wasn't sure you'd be here," she admits. Her smile is loving and frightened, and a little repelled. The beard is really pretty bushy, and the layers of dirt are not so much endearing as thick. "So what's going on?" she asks uncomfortably, trying to stay bright. "Traveling, uh, you know, here and there, visiting old friends, just trying to reconnect, keep in touch," he attempts. Abby's face is still smiling but her eyes turn sad, because she knows he's most likely not reconnecting with anything but his disease, and certainly not with a shower. Eric spies a guy in another booth and frantically whispers, "Do you know that guy? Does he look familiar to you? Because he's been looking at me like he knows me. They all have been." Abby indulges him and determines that, no, she does not know him. She's uncomfortable with Eric's paranoia. "This is a weird place, isn't it I'm glad you came I got turned around I don't know this area well this is a strange part of the country," he babbles, eschewing breaths and any normal implied punctiation. Abby gently interrupts, "I'm ready to get out of here." Eric nods that he just needs to pay for his coffee. Then he scratches his chin and pathetically confesses, "I don't have any money." Abby just looks at him.
Elizabeth catches Romano cleaning his wound. "Don't tell me your HMO doesn't cover [that]," she cracks. "If you want something done right..." he sighs. She scolds him for his maverick behavior in the ER with Mrs. Reynolds, but allows that it was a good call at the time. Still, she says the drainage wasn't complete, so she's got to go back in and fix what they couldn't reach using the ultrasound. "Damn shame you didn't catch it the first time," he sniffs. "I'd have caught it if you'd let me," Elizabeth says, not unkindly. Again, I guess the implication is that Romano was so eager to boot people that nobody ran the right tests as a precursor to Elizabeth's consult. Who knows, though. They could be talking about the SARS. "Now she's more of a mess than if you'd done nothing," Elizabeth insists. Except that she's alive. Sitting down to tend to Romano's wound, as she so often does, Elizabeth asks how long it's been this bad. "Few days," he brushes it off. "More than a few, I'd guess," she murmurs. He lets off a little steam about the sheer number of doctors he's consulted, to no avail. "What's after that? Witchcraft? Magnets?" she asks. No, silly. Leeches. "I'll try anything at this point," he says. "At some point, maybe..." she begins, and then stops and stares at him, biting back words and unable to believe what she was about to say. "Say it," he urges her quietly. "At the point when the wound becomes life-threatening because of gangrene or sepsis, maybe it's in the patient's best interests to consider a...definite surgical cure," Romano says for her. Elizabeth can't speak, hampered by the fact that no one wrote her any more lines, and she can barely meet his eyes. Romano seems defeated. And not the least bit the worse for having been shit-kicked this time last week. Whatever.
Back at Luka's place, he pours some wine for himself and Gordana. She hangs up with Ante's parents, and laments that she can't get any good information about his visa status. Luka promises to ask Dr. Anspaugh if he can help at all. Gordana gazes at him and starts to chuckle lightly. "Luka Kovac," she says. "ER doctor in Chicago. You've made quite a life for yourself." This is all subtitled; the show translates it one way, but I understand that he is actually giving out his phone number and address to me, and making sure I don't forget the merlot later. Luka and Gordana (according to the subtitles, wink wink) reminisce about the cheap dorm room Luka shared with his friends, and crack each other up. He's happy to have her there. "Do you go back much?" she asks. "No," he says. She teases him about being a busy American now, and then asks if he misses it. "I sometimes miss the ocean, the people, driving up the coast on a summer day..." he begins. Gordana snorts with laughter and recalls the time they road-tripped to Vukovar after finals and the car hit a goat. "Oh my God, that was horrible," he guffaws. "It was hilarious," she giggles. Luka remembers trying to do CPR and convince his roommate to do mouth-to-mouth. "Tomo wanted to put in a chest tube!" Gordana says, by now practically crying from laughing. Luka pities the poor goat. "The first patient you ever lost," she beams. Luka has this weird joyful glow that he never has. They should seriously let him laugh more on this show. It brightens up everything.
Abby rings Carter from her hotel. Interestingly, she calls him "John" when she leaves him a message, which must mean she feels a need to get back in his good graces. She claims that they missed their flight but are trying to get on the first plane out in the morning; she hangs up uncomfortably just as Eric emerges from the bathroom, clean, clipped, and clad in Carter's castaways. Abby hands him a glass of water and a pill. "This is my life now, isn't it?" he realizes. "It's up to you," she says with restraint. Eric swallows it. "We all thought you were dead, you know," Abby says, but her face shows amusement. "Except Maggie, she refused." Eric asks if she knows Abby is with him. "Couldn't get in touch," Abby says. "For all I know, she's missing, too." Eric tries to bite back a laugh, but he can't, and it comes out his nose. "It's not funny," Abby says indignantly, but even she is snickering a little. "It's a little funny," Eric grins. Then he pauses. "What happens now?" he wonders. "We go home," Abby replies. "What about me? I don't want to live like this. I can't keep doing this to you," he says. No wonder Abby sometimes acts like it's all about her. To her credit, Abby does not tell Eric to sack up and show the initiative to solve his own problems, rather than acting like it's a given that he'll "do this" to her unless she stops it. Instead, Abby stares at the ceiling and carefully says, "You have to get into a program." Eric rolls over onto his stomach and asks for her help. Abby fights emotion and exhales hard. "Don't I always?" she finally says, softly, turning to him. But he's asleep. Even he is bored by his storyline.
Carter arrives at Gamma's house without his father, who had to take a later flight. The tearful maid (not the one who deflowered him, one hopes) embraces him with a sob. "It's okay," he says, hugging her. She weepily says that the funeral home called to apologize for not removing the body sooner, and that the director promises the hearse is on its way. Carter is gutted to know that Gamma's corpse is lying upstairs, surely so fragrant and sweet by now, and he gingerly ascends to see it.
In the hallway, he loosens his tie and winces, pale and pained. Then he enters the room and stops short at seeing Mannequin Gamma lying in bed, all waxy and badly crafted and bigger of schnozz than the original. Also, she's without a lower half, as the bed is completely flat with a few lumps in the blanket that are supposed to approximate legs. Carter sits to her and sobs openly at her side while Mannequin Gamma pines for the fjords.