Previously on ER, Luka licked the camera lens and purred, "Drink it in, ladies." Then he treated Rick, a supposed flu patient who ended up having leukemia, and a series of his mistakes may have led to Rick's brain damage. Abby yelled at Luka for not caring, but then he turned around and she saw hot burning self-hatred in his eyes, or maybe he needed eyedrops. Nowhere in here does the show see fit to mention that Luka subsequently got into a car accident that injured Erin Harkins's liver. Never mind that this was the big cliffhanger at the end of "Hindsight." Seriously -- you'd better not mind.
We fade up to the eerie strains of I Got No Woman And I Done Taken My Dodge Penis On A Downward Spiral. Dr. Luka "If This Is What 'Rock Bottom' Looks Like, Then Heathen's Moving There Tomorrow" Kovac stares off into space, embroiled in a particularly turgid brood. You can tell by his nostrils' high rate of flare. The elevator deposits him upstairs, where he's met by a tense Dr. Susan "Storyline Limbo" Lewis and Dr. Abby "You Can Spell 'Lockhart' Without 'Me,' But I Don't Recommend It" Lockhart. Abby's hair is meticulously curled, which doesn't seem right. Then again, Susan's got a funky half-braid thing going on, so apparently these people are not only good with hair, but they take it very seriously, especially when they're working. "Ready?" Susan asks. They file into a lecture room, followed by a quiet Michael "Hold Me" Gallant.
As Susan, Abby, and Luka take their seats before the assembled crowd, Dr. Anspaugh introduces the Morbidity & Mortality session. They're going over the tragic case of Rick and the Accidental Leukemia; Anspaugh gives the students the bullet while Luka stands at the podium gazing uncomfortably at, alternately, the microphone and his shoes. We smash into the credits wondering if this is a record for being the quickest and least important show opening in the history of television, with the exception of Good Morning, Miami's credits.
Sandy "Who?" Lopez moves boxes around a messy room, embracing her stage business with the zeal of a woman who knows she's already halfway done with her screen time in this episode. Grinning, Dr. Kerry "If The Weavus is Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'" Weaver sidles into the room to watch her girlfriend deliver her first line. Sandy lovingly warns Kerry to stay out of the room for the few days because of the paint fumes. "Are you nesting?" Kerry teases warmly. "I'm painting a room," Sandy blushes, swatting at Kerry. "Nesting," Kerry grins. "Chicago's toughest female firefighter braves burning buildings and dirty diapers." Sandy feigns offense, then chucks a stuffed toy at Kerry. "Hey, I hope you don't treat the baby like that," giggles Kerry, tossing it back before disappearing for her shift. Sandy watches her go. It was nice seeing them together. Dear Lisa Vidal: No one watches The Division. I'm sure it's a fine show, but you'd be better off putting your eggs in this basket. Love, Heathen. Personally, I like Lisa Vidal just fine, but I think it's a cop-out on the part of the show to keep her in this role. This way, TPTB can say, "Look, we have a lesbian couple on the show! We're revolutionary!" But they don't have to show said couple because they have the convenient excuse of Lisa Vidal being unavailable because of her role on The Division. Personally, I'd rather they pulled a Roger and replaced her with an actress who could then lend herself to a more in-depth story about Weaver, the baby, the relationship, etc. It's like, why bother writing these character-driven stories if you're going to half-ass the way you tell them? I feel like this scene serves little purpose other than to cover the writers' asses for not having shown Sandy and Weaver together this season. They're like, "Oops, let's make them look happy so that everyone will cry later." Boo.
Back at the M&M, Luka is not melting in my mouth, but at the stand. Wait, actually, Abby is at the podium. Anspaugh quizzes her about the length of time that passed between the patient's arrival and receiving his CDC results. Abby tries to write it off to a swamped ER, but Luka booms that he told Abby they don't waste time with full work-ups on simple flu cases. "Something all doctors say at one time or another," Abby says, trying hard to cover for the fact that blunt Luka couldn't finesse his way out of an empty room. Anspaugh dismisses her by calling upon Susan to discuss what he terms "the intubation problem."
Susan stands up and begins to deliver a jargon-heavy explanation of what went on when Luka tried to intubate Rick. But Dr. Jing-Mei "Deb" Chen chooses this moment to be completely rude, so Susan never gets to finish her line. "Could you see the cords, Dr. Kovac?" Chen asks, with a real air of annoyance in her voice. It's kind of inappropriate and very judgmental. "No," Luka says simply. "Dr. Kovac felt he performed an endotracheal intubation," Susan offers. "He listened for breath sounds." Anspaugh asks if he used the carbon dioxide detector. Luka can't stand this anymore. He hates being deconstructed this way, and he especially hates how this episode failed to pick up on the tension it built last time. Exasperated, Luka chronicles his errors, concluding, "About the only thing I didn't do is put a plastic bag over the guy's head and hit him with a brick." Aw. A plastic bag to catch the goo. Even in fantasy murder, he's cute. Anspaugh calmly insists that M&Ms aren't about placing blame -- they're about learning from mistakes, and sugar highs. "I'd had two hours of sleep and I was hung-over," Luka confesses. "I should've admitted I couldn't work, but I didn't. I was sloppy and arrogant. Abby warned me the boy was sick, and I ignored her. Fire me, take my license, shoot me, whatever. But let's not pretend that there's anything to learn here. I killed him." Then, sewing a scarlet "K" to his sweater, Luka huffs out of the room to live a life of Puritanical exile. "The patient isn't dead," Abby calls out gently, but he's already gone. "Did anyone ever bother to verify that there really are medical schools in Croatia?" Romano cracks. Anspaugh shoots him a tolerant but withering look. I have to say, that's a pretty damned unprofessional thing to say, if this is a teaching hospital and they are only there to understand and not to blame. For once, I find myself sort of irritated with Rocket. I'm sure it'll pass, though.
Susan enters the lounge, where Luka is ostensibly shooting glum eye daggers out the window at passersby. "Ten points for another homeless man," he thinks. "Don't let Romano get to you," Susan says. "It only encourages him." That's a nice sentiment, but Luka didn't hear Romano's little snark because he'd already stormed out of the room. Way to remember the scene. "They were more than fair," Luka shrugs. He thanks Susan for defending him, which she tries unconvincingly to deny. "You didn't have to," he says softly. "It could've been any one of us," Susan says. Luka hangs his head. Sirens blare. "Time to get back to work," Susan sighs. "Sure I still work here?" he asks with a tiny smile. "Yeah, and your shift started twenty minutes ago," Susan replies lightly. She leaves him alone so that he can look privately confused and conflicted for a moment.
Susan moves on to a patient named Chip, an insomniac who complains of obsessive thoughts. Chip begins to weep. Chip is a crier. Chip definitely needed frozen spoons over his eyes after shooting this episode. He bawls that he took five sleep aids, but they didn't work, so he needs stronger medicine. "Are you trying to hurt yourself?" Susan asks. "No, I'm trying to sleep," he whines. "You stopped sleeping three days ago. Did something happen?" Susan asks. Chip says he's got a problem with his girlfriend, so Susan casually tells him to sit tight and wait for a Psych consult.
There's a three-line exchange between Carter and Chuny which has no relevance to anything that I can tell, and Chuny annoys me, so I'm skipping it. Which is practically a guarantee that it will come back and sample the unique flavor of my ass, but I'm not afraid to invite the bite.
Dr. Greg "Brat" Pratt hurriedly trucks through the metal detectors, which promptly buzz. "It's just my cell phone," he mutters. Officer Rent-A-Cop cheerfully nods, but moves to search Pratt's bag anyway. Pratt fidgets. "Look, I'm Dr. Pratt," he says, as if the cop cares. Officer Fussbudget insists on rifling through the bag anyway. "You're new here," Pratt argues. "Doctors just get to go through." Still, Officer Dedicated won't let go, and thus begins a small but noisy tussle, because the best way to sneak around is to make a gigantic scene. Carter appears to break it up. "What's the deal?" he demands. Pratt sheepishly brandishes a gun that he claims he found outside a dumpster, and says he was planning to give it to "a real cop." Officer Dimbulb stares at the gun like it's a rabid goldfish. "Do you have a license for this?" the officer finally asks. He's holding it gingerly by the handle, pointing upward. It looks all wrong. Pratt's like, Up yours, Sherlock, I just told you I found it in the garbage. Officer Proud of His SAG Card sternly announces that he's going to have to report Pratt to the police department for possession of a concealed, unlicensed weapon. Carter manages to look both entertained and highly disapproving. Just then, a trauma arrives; Pratt muscles past Officer Weakling, who puts up a meager fight. "He's not going anywhere -- he works here," Carter calms him. "You've got the gun; get his name and information and leave it at that."
An SUV is parked carelessly in the ambulance bay. An injured, bloodied guy in the back seat wails in Spanish. The driver explains to a hurried Pratt and Carter that she hired him to cut down a dead tree, and when he fired up his chainsaw, he fell twenty feet from a branch onto her roof. They can't believe she didn't call an ambulance; she blinks that she figured this was faster.
Weaver and Gallant accompany a withered old coot into Trauma Green. He is all sunken mouth and mustache and flappy jowls, and little else. But apparently, this Mr. Gilman is a tiger in the sack -- he complained of chest pain and shortness of breath during sex with his wife. Weaver and Gallant swap amused expressions at the reveal that Mr. Gilman's bony ass is ninety-three years horny. "Coco!" croaks Gilman. Weaver yells for Luka to help them load him onto a bed; when he appears, Gallant makes sure to shoot him a skeptical look. Luka looks back at him as if to say, "I can do Shakespeare in Croatian, Junior. You don't stand a chance." Chuny hands Gallant a note. Gallant skims it and blushes. "It's from Harkins," he announces, so that we know she didn't kick off after last week's shenanigans. "She's going home today. I've been helping her keep up with the assigned reading," Gallant continues, but you can't spell that without "ass," so I think we all know where Gallant's mind is. Then he glares at Luka again, just so we're all clear on the fact that Luka is a sinner and Gallant is a lovesick saint. "Still need me?" growls Luka at Weaver. She dismisses him, then changes her mind and sends him upstairs to check a post-intubation film on some random, inconsequential contrivance designed to get Luka to the ICU in time for his scheduled attack of conscience.
Pratt wheels the Great Illinois Chainsaw Massacre into Trauma Yellow. His face is covered in blood and he's still wailing. Mrs. SUV aptly notes, "This is bad," and decides she should run away to call her husband. While Pratt and Carter assess the victim, Officer Give It Up Already enters, toting an unhappy Jerry and another, sterner-looking cop. "I understand you blew off Officer [Bitchery]," intones the new cop. Apparently, "What's All This, Then?" Theater takes precedence over a massive head wound and a fractured pelvis. Poor old Officer Slave to Carter's Metal Detectors had his ego bruised, but Jethro over there had his thruster disconnected, and I think that might just be a trifle more urgent. Pratt points out as much, until an impatient Carter finally snaps at Jerry to keep the cops out of the trauma room. He also needs a native Spanish speaker to communicate with Jethro. "I need to speak with [Pratt]," Detective Pushy insists, but Carter sharply orders him out. Pratt meets his boss's eyes sheepishly. "It's not what you think it is," he begins, but Carter silences him with a glare.
Chip is still bawling. Susan passes by and, put off by the wailing, insists that it can't be that bad. "It is," he moans. "I just want to go to sleeeeeep." Susan moves away to check on the status of Chip's Psych consult, and runs smack into a spaced-out teenager. "Wow, your face is so beautiful. Is it square? I never knew what they meant when they said 'square face,' but..." babbles the girl, while Susan stares at her and wonders if this is the proof they needed to assert that, yes, crack is wack. Chen rushes over to the girl, Anastasia, and shepherds her back to her group of mathletes. "They're on the math team. They compete in math tournaments," Chen explains to a bewildered Susan. "Oh yeah, we used to call them 'geeks,'" Susan retorts. "What's she on?" Chen shrugs. "How many cubic-inches in the ER?" babbles Anastasia as Chen guides her elsewhere. Susan pauses in front of Jerry and peers up at him. "Is my face...square?" she winces.
Luka enters the ICU and spies Rick, whose mother is sitting with his unconscious body. "They think he needs dialysis now," a technician exposits. Luka moves gingerly toward Rick and his mother. "Mrs. Kendrick? I'm Dr. Kovac. I treated Rick when he first came into the ER," Luka begins. Slowly, the woman peers up at him. "I've wanted to meet you," she whispers. As Luka pulls up a chair, we hear The Tinkling Piano of Hey Luka, Remember, This Woman's A Lawyer, So Unless You Never Want To Have Enough Money To Replace Your Dodge Penis, You Should Shut That Guilty Mouth. Meanwhile, Rick looks adorable even in his coma. "He was such a funny kid," reminisces Mrs. Kendrick. "He'd have been a good man...Did he know about the leukemia?" Luka shakes his head. "By the time the tests came back, he was unconscious," he says. Romano catches sight of Luka as Mrs. Kendrick asks whether her son was afraid at the end; Romano watches with justifiable disapproval while Luka shares that Rick not only wasn't scared, but cracked a joke with Cynthia about selling the engagement ring. Rick's mother seems to appreciate that her son's last words were in jest. Romano can't stand to see any more. He can hear the time-bomb ticking, and it's making him crazier than Captain Hook in a clock shop. "Dr. Kovac," he shouts. Luka excuses himself gently.
Outside the ICU, Romano turns on the charm -- which is to say, he bares his fangs and licks his chops, which has the unfortunate effect of smearing the bright purple lipstick he's wearing, which he must have stolen off the corpse of a crack whore. "What are you doing? Your own private M&M with the kid's mother?" he seethes. "She wanted to know how her son died," Luka says. "One word: peacefully," Romano spits. "Leave it at that." Luka's feeling all honest and soulful, but Romano points out that Luka kind of did off her son, and he'd better not be getting all Lady Macbeth about it, because there's not enough hand soap in the world to save him from the Wrath of Romano if County General gets slapped with a malpractice suit. Romano sternly points out that such a suit would harm the hospital and the other patients more than Rick ever suffered. Luka blinks emptily at him, which Romano takes to mean, "We don't have threats in Croatia," so he promptly sends Luka home for the day to sit in the corner and think about what he did. "If I see you with that patient's family again, you're fired," Romano adds. Luka stares at the floor. We fade to black pretty sure that no one's going to fire Luka, because the hospital's always short-staffed and there's no other eye candy there.
Susan tries to comfort weepy Chip, who won't stop blubbering. "Oh, God," he wails, grabbing his head. "Everyone will hate me!" Dude, we already do. Susan steers him somewhere private -- so, around the corner, but still in a crowded and public area -- so that he'll confide in her, and Chip promptly confesses that his girlfriend walked in on him advancing on her ten-year-old son. He's choked up and crying, and he's a pig, and he'd look so pretty on a spit with an apple in his mouth. Susan's expression is one of suppressed repulsion. "Did you do something to him?" she gulps carefully. "No," sniffles Chip. "I was going to, but...I would have. She walked in. I don't want to be like this!" Susan stares at him as he weeps that he's not sure he could've stopped himself from violating the kid. She's all, "They don't do this on The West Wing."
Old Man Gilman's heart has given out, and Gallant is trying to jump-start it. As Weaver enters, they find a rhythm. Weaver cracks that someone should check on his wife to see if she survived their last round of brittle, wrinkly whoopie. Haleh pleasantly warns Weaver that she's brushed up against some blood; Kerry's gaze travels nervously to her lab coat, which boasts a large red stain. Momentarily thrown, she regains her composure long enough to exit the room gracefully.
Pratt helps out Jethro's tree-cutting buddy. He's an illegal immigrant with no family. That's about all there is to say about this scene.
Chip hovers to Susan at the front desk while she begs Psych to get Dr. De Raad down to see him. Suddenly, Susan notices Anastasia erasing the patient board; Jerry and Chen bolt to her side in frustration. "You've erased all our patients!" Chen yells. Anastasia scribbles obliviously on the transparent plastic. "Ergo, God," she whispers. "Ergo, Ritalin," Chen corrects testily, calling Anastasia out on taking the drug for the math contest. Anastasia stares at her with zoned-out eyes. I'm sure parents of troubled ADD kids are delighted at this touching, heartfelt depiction of Ritalin. "These numbers, discovered in different cultures and in different centuries, all add to zero, proving the universe is perfect and proving the existence...of GOD," she drones, ending the line in an overawed whisper. "Hey, I can't even prove I paid my gas bill," Susan cracks, still on hold. Boom! Thank you! Susan will be here all season. Tip your servers, people. Chen orders Jerry to rewrite the patient information on the board. "Aw, make her do it," Jerry whines. Anastasia cheerfully begins putting everything back up on the board, because Ritalin has made her a stoned genius.
Pratt sidles up to Chen and flirts that it's her turn to buy him lunch. They elbow each other and grin and blush and so I suppose it's true that they're dating, which is fine as long as there's no visible tongue involved. Our two intrepid security guards finally corral him so that they can speak to Pratt very sternly about his gun-smuggling. We're spared the explanation. Instead, we see an alarmed Susan realize that Chip is no longer at her side. "Dammit," she curses, trotting off to play pedophilic Hide-And-Seek. "I know they don't do this on Third Watch," she thinks.
Weaver hustles into an exam room and closes the blinds, nervously grabbing her stomach. Unbuttoning her pants, Weaver lubes up her belly and gives herself an ultrasound. The camera pans around to a shot of Weavus looking rather still; then we see Weaver's face slowly falling. She adjusts the angle and is met with total silence. Suddenly, the door opens, and Abby bursts through, stopping short with a shocked expression when she sees what Kerry is doing. To her credit, she swallows the surprise. "Excuse me, I need the SonoSite," Abby says quietly. Kerry doesn't even look at her. "I can't find the heartbeat," Kerry quavers. "Here, let me try," Abby offers gently. "How many weeks?" Kerry answers, "Fourteen," but her voice trails off. The Weavus is silent. "Nothing," Abby says. "I'm sorry...It's not there." Kerry's eyes slowly start to fill; she knows sweet Weavus is a goner. "Are you bleeding?" Abby asks. "A little," Kerry whispers, dazed. "I thought I was just spotting." Abby, clearly affected, calmly offers to call OB for her, but Kerry moves slowly back into Weaver mode and insists that she only needs a clean pair of scrubs. "I think it's better if it happens naturally," she says. Abby advises her to go home, but Weaver won't. Sensing that Kerry needs to be alone, Abby slips out the door. Kerry stares into space, alone, struggling to keep tears from spilling from her wet eyes.
A dishy Italian woman struts into the ER in a dress that announces both her breasts and her ass to the world. Jerry, Pratt, and Gallant all hear the call of the estrogen bullhorn, Gallant to the point that he adorably fumbles his clipboard. The woman introduces herself as Coco, Old Man Gilman's wife and the parking spot for the penile artifact that was the instrument of his heart failure. Stunned, Gallant regains enough composure to escort Coco to her husband's bedside. Abby passes just then and tsks at Jerry and Pratt, "If you stare any harder, her ass is going to burst into flames." Jerry leers, "I'll put that fire out." Pratt licks his lips. "Stop, drop and roll," he drools.
Dr. Kayson, the cardiologist, is in Trauma Green with Old Man Gilman, Coco, and Gallant. Seriously, Old Man Gilman is the boniest old man ever -- although I imagine Coco enjoys the idea of a man who's all bone. Kayson, a tad too cheerfully, says that Gilman's cardiomyopathy can be treated aggressively, but that his prognosis is poor and he could have a fatal attack at any time. This is not a terribly revolutionary statement, since you can practically see his heart through the stretched skin on his wee chest, and it's complaining mightily. "Oh, Danny," coos Coco. Old Man Gilman gestures to Gallant, who leans down to better hear his patient's question. "When can I bang her?" Old Man Gilman rasps. Gallant, flustered, jerks upright. Kayson cocks an eyebrow. "Uh, he wants to know when he might be able to...have sex," chokes Gallant. Kayson barely stifles an amazed snicker and shrugs that the day The Artful Codger can handle two flights of stairs without getting winded is the day he can plug Coco with love bullets. Coco beams adoringly at her breathing cadaver.
Weaver ties up her scrubs and hides her old clothes in a plastic bag, which she then tucks under a bed rather than taking them to her locker. Okay. Lily interrupts to tell her that Security needs to speak with her, so Weaver takes a deep breath, grabs her crutch, and faces the day.
Anastasia wormed her way into the doctors' lounge and is building what looks like EPCOT Center out of paper cups. This girl needs to redefine "fun" for herself. Somebody get her a beer. "Wow," Carter marvels, entering. Chen follows and, once again, ushers Anastasia back to her seat in the waiting room. Carter peers at faux-EPCOT with interest, then gingerly reaches out to yank a cup from the structure. The whole thing topples. Jenga! Weaver enters in time to witness this. "What are you doing?" she asks as EPCOT collapses. She turns around abruptly, then whirls back again, and I swear Laura Innes was trying to stifle a laugh and not ruin the take. "Hi, uh, just getting a cup of coffee," Carter bluffs awkwardly as paper cups bounce loudly to the floor, rolling around willy-nilly. Weaver smirks and changes the subject to Pratt's little scuffle with Security. "It was a misunderstanding," Carter insists. Weaver gives a half-hearted lecture to the effect that the interns are his responsibility, and it should be an automatic suspension, blah blah blah, and Carter blows her off until he notices Pratt running around outside like a freak.
Cut outside, where Pratt's chasing down Mrs. SUV. He's completely flipping his shit and screaming for her to stop driving, while she's shrieking and doing a terrible job beating a discreet retreat. "What do you want from me?" she yells. "I don't even know this man!" Pratt smacks her car, but in the epic battle of SUV versus man, SUV wins every time. She books it as Pratt defiantly chucks a rock at her rear window. Carter's all, What the Jebus?! "Stupid bitch!" screams Pratt. "Your patients know where she lives. They'll report her to the police," Carter points out, still stunned. "Like they give a damn," snorts Pratt, Defender of the Weak. "Like you do?" Carter counters. He lists Pratt's offenses -- late arrivals, mysterious early departures, disdain for direct orders -- and then chides him for bringing a weapon to work. "I explained about the gun," Pratt snarls. "I've seen your type before, Pratt," Carter sighs. Pratt disagrees. He thinks he's unique. He'd be wrong. "I know what I see," Carter says. "Someone throwing their career away." As Carter shakes his head in judgment and heads back inside, Pratt stares after him with a sulky expression. We fade to black wishing that Pratt's comeuppance had been more dramatic, with fangs and blood and maybe some slapping.
Weaver enters Trauma Green, where a pretty eighteen-year-old blonde named Rosemary (the actress, Shoshannah Stern, is also on Boston Public this season) is being treated. Apparently, she collapsed and cracked her head. Weaver establishes that Rosemary is deaf, and begins communicating with her in sign language. "Want me to go get Lewis?" Abby asks pointedly, but softly. Weaver, without missing a beat, calmly insists that she's got this one under control. Abby looks worried, but says nothing. I like Abby this way -- professional, concerned, but above all, not beating us over the head with her misery or her total lack of chemistry with Carter. If she would tone down the fake-and-bake, she'd be in good shape. Rosemary sadly tells Weaver that it burns when she urinates and it hurts near her kidneys. "We're going to take care of you, okay?" Weaver smiles. She's projecting Weavus love onto Rosemary, I think, and it's kind of sweet but sad.
Ed Asner is here, and he's being sexist. He doesn't want a female doctor treating him because he's a big bad male doctor and he's crotchety and we're supposed to be all, "Thank God Ed Asner has returned to television," but instead we're thinking, "Why is he channeling Jack Palance?" Liz Torres, most recently of Gilmore Girls, is with him, presumably as his assistant. Chen dumps Ed off onto Carter. "I got a stethoscope older than you," Ed barks. Liz shares that some kids broke into Ed's clinic looking for drugs; she hid, but Ed tried to fight back. "They're lucky my sciatica acted up, or they'd be in traction," Ed bluffs. "They hit him on the head with a baseball bat," Liz translates. "More a bunt than a full swing," Ed corrects her. "He fell on broken glass and was unconscious for several minutes," Liz translates again. "I was assessing my wounds!" he yells. Carter wants Ed to get a head CT, but Ed doesn't think he needs it, because he's older than God and Carter's younger than any of his ties, and therefore, Ed is always right. Carter stands firm, so Ed bets him five bucks that the CT is clear. Carter accepts it and hands Ed off to Abby, who has a little boy in tow. "Do you have to pee in a cup?" the kid asks Ed. "Yes, he does," Abby nods. Ed looks put out. He doesn't like to pee in anything small enough to expose his aged, diminishing aim.
Abby leads the boy to the bathroom, and while she instructs him on the fine art of urine-sample acquisition, Chip appears in the background. He leans creepily against the wall, his eyes darting back and forth. When the kid disappears and Abby leans tiredly against the wall to wait for him, Chip picks up speed and walks nonchalantly into the restroom.
Pratt sutures a very old...something. Carter bursts into the room, and all of a sudden, he's got serious stubble and he looks pasty and puffy. When I watched this episode, I started at the halfway point and then watched the first half on tape, so this was my first up-close look at Carter, and I honestly thought that a subplot was going to be Carter working three shifts without sleep. But then I watched the first half, and he looked fine, and I was left totally confused as to what happened to Noah Wyle in between. ["His wife had a baby?" -- Wing Chun] Carter is pissed off that Pratt discharged the tree-trimming people without checking with him. "I'm not throwing my career away," Pratt blurts. Carter ignores him. "It wasn't my gun," presses Pratt. "I was going to throw it into the river after my shift ended." Carter wonders, quite logically, why Brainiac didn't do that before his shift started. "I was late," admits Pratt. Carter nods knowingly, then throws his arms up in the air and screams, "Ta-da! Ten points to me! ME! I am the MASTER!" and then begins doing a victory jig.
Susan passes Abby and asks whether she's seen Chip. "He went in there," Abby says, pointing to the bathroom. Susan sighs, relieved, then pauses to ask why Abby's hanging around outside the men's room. Abby's all, "Keeping my options open. Have you seen me kiss Carter?" Except really, she tells Susan she's waiting for a kid's urine sample. Susan freezes. "There's a kid in there?" she panics, bursting into the men's room and screaming for Chip. Abby's perplexed. The kid emerges from a stall completely unharmed, and Susan sends him outside, then searches the other stalls. Sure enough, she sees Chip huddled in the last one, sobbing and carving "evil" into his forehead. "Did you do anything to him?" Susan whispers. "No, but I wanted to," Chip moans, weeping with all his might. Susan bites her lip, because on this show, that's the "in" way to punctuate a scene. "Dana Delany has a story of her own on Presidio Med," she muses.
Holy mother of a whore. Rosemary's head is being sutured, and she looks dead. Her face is gray-green all of a sudden. Good lord. That's the worst thing I've ever seen, and that includes Old Man Gilman's nipples. Weaver looks a tad shaky. Haleh notices and asks if she's okay, but Weaver shrugs it off and sits down to her green patient. She informs the girl that she has a bladder infection that spread to her kidneys. "Are you sexually active?" Weaver asks gently. Rosemary barely nods. Evidently, she had the burning sensation for two weeks, and ignored it, because somehow she figured that having a bladder infection would tip off her parents to the fact that she's got a boyfriend and she's shagging him silly. "They don't need to know," Weaver insists. "But we do need to tell them..." Suddenly, Weaver inhales sharply and turns her head to the side. She's cramping, and she gives little shallow breaths until the waves of pain subside. Haleh again notices, but says nothing. "We need to tell them that you're sick," Weaver continues to Rosemary, informing the girl that she may need to stay there overnight if the antibiotics don't start working soon enough. Weaver then bolts from the room, still gasping slightly. Gallant tries to get Weaver's assistance with something, but she fobs him off on Carter or any other attending and escapes. Gallant shakes his head in disapproval. Oh, Gallant. Leave the judgment to Carter.
Turning to find someone else, Gallant spies something afoot in Trauma Green. He enters to find Coco straddling Old Man Gilman and trying to excavate the ancient artifact from its trouser-tomb. Old Man Gilman looks deeply, deeply pleased with himself for getting mounted by a sultry slut in tight clothes. Gallant looks deeply, deeply nauseated by the entire experience. "Stop it," Gallant says uselessly. "Get off him now." Gilman's eyes fly open. "NO!" he shouts. "For crying out loud, he just had a heart attack," Gallant gasps. "Relax, he needs his Viagra anyway," Coco grumbles. Why? He'll have rigor mortis soon enough. "I want my Viagra!" screams Gilman as Gallant escorts Coco out of the room. "Only if you want to die with an erection," Gallant calls out to him. Gilman doesn't look too upset at the idea. "I was just trying to make him feel better," Coco purrs.
Two people storm toward Coco, one of them angry. They're Gilman's kids, and of course, the daughter hates her violently while the son coddles her. The son, incidentally, is played by Donna Martin's father from . We love Dr. Martin. So, in honor of his bitchy wife Felice on that show, we'll call his bitchy sister "Felice" as well. "What did you do to him?" Felice shrieks. "My father did not give you power of attorney!" Coco pouts. "Bob, he is really sick," she whimpers to Dr. Martin, cuddling up to his shoulder. "I know, honey," Dr. Martin says. Men are so easy. Felice wants the slut to go. We cut away before we find out if the slut does, indeed, go. Fine dramatic tension, if by "tension" you mean "snore."
Dr. De Raad tells a frustrated Susan that he's got no room for Chip upstairs. Susan reminds him that Chip carved the word "evil" into his forehead to scare people away from him, but De Raad claims Chip isn't suicidal and hasn't hurt anyone. Except himself, dumb-ass. "Fine. Let's toss him your son," Abby snaps. Damn, that's nasty and inappropriate, but I have to say it -- good one, Abby. Susan shushes her. "What? This guy needs to be kept away from children. You can't rehabilitate molesters," Abby insists. De Raad points out that only imagined molestation has taken place, and that you can't commit people for thoughts. Which is a relief, because I'd be in a straitjacket for the number of times the cast of Dawson's Creek has gone up in flames in my mind. Susan swears Chip will attack a child the second he is released from the hospital. "This is our chance to intervene, to protect future victims," Susan pleads. "He's clearly a threat to others." De Raad won't dance with her until Chip confesses to something -- articulates a plan of some kind -- so a fatigued Susan agrees to talk to her patient one more time.
Chen sends away the mathletes, thus ending yet another Tertiary Medical Nothing of the Week. Pratt begins flirting with Chen about how he was on the real teams in school, and that means he's well-hung. Chen's all, Wow, may I sniff your jock, hot stuff? And Pratt's like, Let's nail in the break room, and Chen bats her eyes as if to say, Again? And Pratt's going, There's a fire in my loins, and Chen's wordlessly promising to put it out with her tongue, and the welt on my head grows and grows as I repeatedly smash it into the television set. Gallant runs up looking for Weaver because Old Man Gilman's libido is apparently more powerful than his heart. "Coco and Captain Viagra," giggles Chen. Jerry theorizes that the crazier the woman, the hotter the sex, which means Anne Heche must be the world's best banger. Gallant wants someone from Legal to come down and help him with whatever situation has brewed. Gosh, gee, I hope they tell us what that is. A call comes through for Pratt; he answers it, then panics slightly, slams it down, and orders Chen to cover for him. "Not again! For how long? PRATT?" she shouts. But he's gone.
Weaver sits in the drug lock-up, jarringly enough curled up into something resembling the fetal position. Abby passes and spies her in there; she immediately enters. "How long have you been cramping?" Abby asks. "About an hour," Weaver says emptily. The bleeding has also increased. Abby offers to contact Sandy, but Weaver shakes her head. "She's at work," she says. "She'd want to be with you," Abby suggests. I know Weaver is Ms. Professional and she doesn't want to make a scene, but I really wish the show had made use of Sandy in this episode. Even just a little bit. Abby tries to get Weaver upstairs for a D&C, but Weaver panics, unwilling to leak news of her miscarriage throughout the hospital. "Just page me if the OB resident comes down for another consult," she says, breathing shakily. Abby pauses, then announces she's calling a doctor. Go, Abby! Weaver's in too much pain to fight her.
As Abby emerges into the hall, Carter asks if she's seen Weaver. "Yeah," Abby says. "She's on a break." Carter is about to press the issue, but he stops when he sees Ed Asner suturing his own leg with supplies the nurse set out for Carter -- forty-five minutes ago, as Liz testily notes. Carter bristles and refuses to let this continue, until he notices Gallant approaching with Coco, Felice, Dr. Martin, and a greasy mullet-tastic man. Carter knows what this means -- mullets always translate into trouble -- so he gets up and prepares to face this week's hijinks.
"Mrs. Gilman has a special request," Gallant begins. Felice screeches that her attorney is on the way. Gallant coughs that Coco wants to collect some of Old Man Gilman's sperm. "He's trying to give me a baby," coos Coco. No, I think he's just trying to give you his penis, but okay. "Please don't debase my father any further -- he's senile," spits Felice. Dr. Martin insists that his father is not senile. Felice shoots him a poisonous look. Gallant pipes up that Old Man Gilman has agreed to a procedure called electro-ejaculation. "Come again?" Carter coughs. Yes, Carter, that's precisely the point. And this, of course, is where The Mullet comes into the sordid scenario. "I am an electro-ejaculation technician," The Mullet says. I think he'd want me to capitalize some of that title, but -- tough luck, skag. Carter pauses. "Your parents must be very proud," he finally says. The Mullet insists that Old Man Gilman has to have his semen collected before he dies, or else they'll have to harvest a seminal vesicle, which is more complicated. Coco is glowing. All this talk of million-dollar ejaculate is making her want to polish her nipples with the ten-spot that's burning a hole in her clutch purse. Felice scowls that this is just about money -- that Old Man Gilman promised Coco a fortune if she bears him a child. "My husband signed a release," Coco says airily. Hee, she said "release." Then she shrieks, "I want his semen!" Abby hears this and stops, curious. She arrives just in time to hear The Mullet explain that electro-ejaculation involves shoving a probe up the business end of Old Man Gilman's intestines and contracting muscles that will trigger the ejaculatory reflex and release all the junior Gilmans into the world. Abby and Carter stare at each other for a second. They're thinking the same thing: that this smacks of David E. Kelley at his most juvenile. "Okay, good, excuse me," Carter finally breathes, grabbing Gallant and pulling him off to the side. "Have you called Legal?" he gapes. Gallant says someone is en route. Carter peels off to tend to a trauma patient. "How should I handle this?" Gallant panics. "Gently," giggles Carter.
The incoming patient fell three stories through a skylight. He's oozing and suffering and basically announcing to the world that falling through glass is bad, mmmkay? Chen and Carter work frantically as he yells for Weaver. She's not around. Luka was sent home. "Pratt?" Carter tries. Chen uneasily admits that he left because "he had an emergency again." Carter is righteously peeved.
Pratt bursts into his apartment and screams for his brother. Childish sobbing fills the apartment; Pratt finds Leon slumped against a dresser. "They kicked me, they stabbed me, they stepped on my head," Leon wails. "I'm dying, G!" The culprits are, evidently, the owners of the gun Pratt had earlier. We're to assume Pratt swiped it to get it away from Leon. "They wanted the gun! They wanted to kill me!" Leon blubbers. Pratt tries to calm him down, but Leon's way too worked up for reason. "They stabbed you? Where?" Pratt asks. "In the ass, G!" Leon cries. Yeah, right. If you were a bunch of bad-ass thugs, why would you be like, "Let's stab him...in his ASS! That's where the money is! It's in the ass!" Wouldn't you stab him somewhere more easily accessible? What is with asses this week? As Leon flails and shrieks and refuses to go to the hospital, Pratt tries to comfort him. "Okay, okay, okay," he repeats, his face beginning to quiver and his eyes tearing up. That last line was brilliantly acted by Mehki Phifer. His voice actually breaks, and it's immediately clear that Pratt both adores his brother, can't handle his brother, and fears for his brother. We fade to black figuring that, if we absolutely have to put up with Pratt, we should at least get to see more of Mekhi Phifer using his talents.
Carter's skylight patient dies. Carter is in a blue rage because Pratt isn't around. He stops long enough to digest Ed Asner's labs and deduce that the old coot is diabetic, and then he continues raging that somebody needs to page Pratt immediately. Carter's on a rampage, except unfortunately, he really is filling Mark's void, by which I mean that his idea of a "rampage" is more like mild, milquetoast irritation.
Upstairs, Kerry is on an IV and with her doctor. Abby enters to check on her. Kerry is trying to be all businessy about it, saying she knows exactly what to do medically, etc. Her doctor gently suggests that she take off for a few days, and then leaves. Abby regards Weaver with professional worry. "Can I get you anything?" she asks. "Do you want me to try and call Sandy at work?" Weaver shakes her head and looks crushed, lost, but she's not crying. "Abby?" she calls out. Abby turns near the door. Weaver loses her sentence. "I can give you a ride home in about an hour," Abby offers quickly. Weaver sighs slowly, a measure of relief in her eyes. "Thanks," she whispers. As the door swings open, Rosemary is shuffling past, and she notices Weaver lying in the bed.
The Mullet leads Coco triumphantly through the hospital. She's clutching a baggie full of fresh-squeezed Gilman juice, holding it like it's a victory for money-grubbing slagbags everywhere. "We were lucky to capture that retrograde ejaculation as well," The Mullet simpers. Gallant tries to tell Coco something about her husband's condition, but she ignores him. "I have to go. I ovulated this morning," she says. "Let's go! We're killing spermatozoa!" shouts The Mullet. Jerry can't believe his ears. "That man has an electro-ejaculator," Gallant announces, laughing. Everyone snorts. "Does that come with a costume?" Jerry asks. "No, an extension cord," Gallant shudders. They all figuratively toast the mighty Gilman. Chen mischievously asks an approaching Abby if she's ever heard of electro-ejaculation. "No," she muses. "I had an instant ejaculator once -- Tommy Reynolds, tenth grade. Poor kid never could make it out of his jeans." Hee. I can't believe I just said that, but oh well. Hee, I tell you. HEE.
Gallant takes a call from Pratt just as Carter arrives in search of his favorite renegade. Gallant is refusing to do something when Carter rips the phone from his hand; by now, Pratt has hung up. Carter turns to Gallant and gives him a stunningly dull, searingly benign order to tell him what's going on with Pratt. How can Gallant resist such weakly applied force? He can't.
Pratt rolls Leon onto his stomach; he's gotten his brother to the bed. As he hears a knock on the door, he shouts, "Gallant, what took you so damn long?" But of course, it's Carter. "I can see I clearly got through to you," he judges. "Running a clinic out of the apartment?" Pratt tries to slam the door in Carter's face, but he's blocked. "Who's hurt?" Carter asks, seriously. "My brother, Leon," Pratt says. Carter looks surprised, even though Leon's been to the hospital before and made a huge scene there. Pay attention, Carter. If we have to watch this, so should you. "Who are you?" whimpers Leon. Pratt tries to comfort Leon as Carter prepares to examine him. "This is...not smart, Pratt," Carter warns him. "Everything in my life is 'not smart,' Carter," Pratt woe-is-mes. Carter judges him briefly, because he's addicted to the gavel. "Gunshot?" he smarms. "Stab wound," Pratt corrects, annoyed. "Broken ribs, bloody nose." He tries to get rid of Carter -- all he wanted was a suture kit -- but Carter doesn't leave. "Why don't you want to go to the hospital? You don't want the assault reported?" Carter asks. Leon whines that his thugs are going to kill them. Pratt tells Carter to let it go, but Carter pushes it and learns from Leon that the thugs wanted the gun and won't stop until they get it. "Holding the gun for someone else, huh?" Carter says, again shooting Pratt a really pointed and obnoxious look. Go away, Carter. Take that face and bury it in the sand somewhere. "My friends," Leon moans. "Some friends," snorts Pratt. Carter goes to work on Leon's torn ass. And, ew.
Susan finally gets Chip to confess to Dr. De Raad -- after one last not-at-all tense moment where it looked like he wouldn't talk -- that his first move upon being released will be to grab his ex's son and have sex with him in the school parking lot. Susan practically yells, "Eureka," and Dr. De Raad finally admits that Chip needs help, and promises to find a bed for him. Susan exhales, relieved that this episode is more or less over for her and she can go back to her world of big salary and small, snarky one-liners. "I wonder if they need a doctor on Gilmore Girls," she thinks.
Weaver enters Rosemary's room and suggests that she call her parents, or else they'll worry when she doesn't come home. Rosemary signs something sadly. "'They'll worry about me more if they know I have a boyfriend,'" Kerry translates. Rosemary then signs that she doesn't want to disappoint her parents any more than she already has, simply by being deaf. Aw. Kerry reminds Rosemary that she's got to stay the night. Frowning, Rosemary asks why Weaver was a patient. Stunned, Weaver asks, "You saw me?" Rosemary nods sadly and tugs at the hospital gown she's wearing, and which Weaver had been wearing. Weaver looks down and sighs. "I was..." she begins, and we pan down to her hands, which are signing that she lost her baby. Rosemary looks horrified. Weaver's hands drop onto the bed, and one of Rosemary's creeps out to clasp them. We pan up to Kerry, who finally lets a tear fall, and it triggers Niagara. Dropping her head to the bed, Kerry lets out a gutteral cry as Rosemary affectionately strokes her hair.
Outside Pratt's place, Carter asks for the scoop on Leon. Evidently, he came to live with Pratt when he was nine and Pratt was six. "I idolized him," Pratt remembers with a smile. When his mother died of liver cancer, Pratt was only fifteen, and Leon cared for him and made sure he stayed in school. But in college, Leon got into a bar fight and took a bullet to the head. He survived, but the brain damage dropped his IQ by forty points. Carter has the good grace to look sad for them, even though you can tell he'd rather that Pratt was a one-dimensional prick. "Do you have any help?" he asks. "No," Pratt replies. "I've been doing it on my own for years. I'm good at that." Carter shrugs. "Well, we work as a team," he begins. "We cover for each other, we lean on each other. The job's too big to do solo. But if you can't get that, maybe you should be a surgeon." Ooh, roast on Romano and Elizabeth. "Or a superhero, or something else that doesn't require trusting people," Carter finishes. Pratt shrugs that he's never been big on trust. Carter counters that if he can't trust people, no one will be able to trust him. "Self-sufficiency is a good thing, but it's not the only thing," says The Boy Who Probably Still Lives With Gamma. "Asking for help when you need it -- that doesn't make you weak." Pratt ponders this, then abruptly decides that he's needed inside. Carter nods and leaves, and once he's gone, Pratt allows a small smile of respect to cross his lips. Oh, no. It's the whole covert respect thing. If there's a touching moment where we witness the birth of a beautiful friendship between these two, I'm going to be very disappointed.