Big ups to Sars, for womanning the Not! Line. Even bigger ups to all our writers and to Glen Jackson of Entertainment Weekly for making Mighty Big TV "the industry standard."
Previously on ER: Mark scratched his nads. I know it was two weeks ago but I still wake up screaming. More recently on ER, Lisa told Carter she was a drunk, and he asked her to be his sponsor; Chen told Weaver she was pregnant; Benton narced on Romano over some EMTALA violations; Mark proposed to Elizabeth, who entered a fugue state and accepted; Weaver and Mark welcomed Carter back to the ER.
John "Crash" Carter stares at the hospital and then strides inside. He passes Luka "Meet Joe Black" Kovac killing a patient in a curtain area and is greeted warmly by "Dr." Dave Malucci, whose hair is...ugh. It's a retina-scorching shade of yellow, like the pith on an orange slice, which really doesn't complement his olive complexion; it's also all Tigi-Bed-Headed down in stringy clumps in the back, and sticking up Tintin-style in the front. If you can imagine what a dandelion might look like if it were inclined to sport a shit-eating grin, you're halfway to picturing Dr. Dave in this scene. Dave, if your aim was to get attention by snatching the title of Mighty Big TV Character with the Worst Hair in History award from Dawson Leery...well, you'll actually have to try a little harder. But you're close. It's so bad that Carter actually asks, "What happened to your hair?" but Dr. Dave ignores the question and brags that Weaver's training him to use the sternal saw today. Cleo "Paranoid Android" Finch quizzically says, "Carter?" as she rolls by accompanying a gurney bearing a car-crash victim bleeding from the mouth...ouch. Chuny speaks Spanish to a woman begging (also in Spanish) for water and drinking out of a mop bucket. Chuny chides her, "That's disgusting!" and tells Carter she's glad he's back, and explains that the patient will drink anything she can get her hands on. Carter does a spot diagnosis of "polygenic polydipsia" and recommends that Chuny check her lytes and call for a Psych consult. Lily gives Carter a hug and tells Chuny that Weaver needs a blood run. Chuny ruefully replies that "Weaver needs to get a couple more nurses" in the ER, and asks Carter whether he can tell they're short-staffed. Jing-Mei "Deb" Chen has given up her concealing clothes and is proudly showing off her fertile womb in a pretty muted plum paisley dress. She turns away from a patient and sees Carter standing behind her; he makes a surprised gesture toward her belly and squeaks, "Congratulations!" She welcomes him back, sheepishly, as Lydia rolls up wearing a mask and pushing an indigent patient in a wheelchair. Apparently he smells, because even before we see him, Chen turns away and covers her nose and mouth. Lydia gives Carter great tidings of a "freak [who] tore off all her toenails with a pair of pliers." The indigent patient yells that he "need[s] medical attention," and Lydia curtly counters that all he needs is a bath. Carter tells Lydia he'll see to the toenail-plucking freak in a minute. He stops a moment to catch his breath and rake his fingers through his hair, then moves on. A security guard greets him as "hey, you," and demands to know what Carter's doing. Carter moves the lapel of his trench coat to show his ID, but the guard identifies it as an old ID and detains Carter until Kerry "Bono" Weaver claims him and tells him he'll need to get a new badge from Personnel. The guard apologizes and Carter pushes open a door...
...to the lounge, where Elizabeth "Bride of Dorkenstein" Corday and Mark "Indecent Proposal" Greene are arguing.
Mark: Why not Christmas?
Elizabeth: Christmas.
Mark: No, this Christmas.
Elizabeth: Are you mad? It takes months to plan a wedding.
Wing Chun: Girl, you're marrying Mark. It doesn't take that long to find an appropriately dark, forbidding, and secluded location to admit to the world that you're willing to settle for him. I suggest Bald Mountain. (tm Sars)
Carter enters unnoticed behind them and makes for his locker, whereupon Mark greets him; before Carter can answer, Mark and Elizabeth simultaneously announce their news: he says, "We bought a house," and she says, "We got engaged." Aw. Oh, sorry -- I just saw a silverfish crawling across my desk, and it was more appealing to me than the idea of these two commingling DNA and bringing a curly-haired penis-head into the world. And, ew, Elizabeth even does that thing where she crooks her hand and uses her thumb to push her ring finger further forward than one's ring finger traditionally extends, in order to show off her ring. When did she become such a girl? I hope that thing falls into someone's chest cavity and that she stitches it in there. Carter congratulates them on both counts, fidgeting with his lock, and continues, "Boy, I go away for a couple of weeks, you guys get engaged, Chen's pregnant, Malucci's blond, Admin looks totally different, and I can't seem to remember my locker combination." Mark says, as if he's just remembering, that the State Medical Board made them clean the locker out when Carter left. Carter somewhat testily asks where his stuff is, and Mark dodges the question by saying that he'll look into getting Carter another locker, and that Carter can share Mark's locker until then. Mark climbs up on the bench to drag down a box perched atop the bank of lockers. As he rifles through it, Elizabeth exposits that there's a surgical conference going on, so the department is short-staffed and the residents shouldn't call for any unnecessary consults. Gee, I wonder whether something will happen that requires a whole mess of surgeons, and that there won't be any around! That would be stressful and dramatic! And totally unprecedented! Not. I didn't even have to get up on my roof to see the steam ship carrying the inevitable no-surgeons catastrophe coming across Lake Ontario, with Captain Merrill Foreshadowing saluting me smartly from the bow. Anyway, Elizabeth wishes Carter luck and...ugh...kisses Mark and may have done something else but I was rolling my eyes and couldn't see the screen. I think I heard something about their "talk[ing] dates later," though. Mark hands Carter a lab coat and dorkily asks whether Carter is "ready to rock and roll." Mark tells Carter that if Carter needs to talk about anything he should come talk to Mark. Because Mark has such a sterling record when it comes to dealing with stress. I mean, he didn't manifest symptoms of untreated Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder for a whole season, or anything. Oh, wait. He did. Mark leaves to scratch his nads in private, and Carter reaches into the box and takes out a stethoscope.
Carter straightens up at the water fountain and asks a passing Lily whether any of the charts in her arms is "anything good." She starts to tell him about a chest pain case, but Weaver snatches away the paper Lily had been proffering to Carter and tells Lily that Mark is free, and tells Carter, "In order to facilitate your return, we need to implement a few rules...You're to do only minor medical: no trauma, no suturing, no needles, no narcotics, and absolutely no surgical procedures." Carter whines, "Uh, that leaves me with...?" "The chance to practice medicine again," Weaver crisply concludes. Just then, Doris and assorted other paramedics wheel in a Mr. Di Batista, who's strapped to a bed and flailing his arms about, freaking out. Weaver and Luka rush over (uh oh -- say goodnight, Mr. Di Batista...forever), as does Frank the flat-topped desk clerk, who informs Luka, "I know this guy." Luka calls out to the room at large to "stabilize his leg," and Mr. Di Batista strains against his...well, restraints to snarl at Weaver, "Leave me alone, bitch!" "All right, that's it," Weaver snaps, pushing him back down so that a paramedic can secure the patient's head to the bed, using tape. Heh. Weaver nonchalantly crutches back over to Carter at the desk and picks up where she left off: "Once you get back in the swing of things, you can resume a normal schedule and do procedures again, but until then, it's baby steps." She hands him a chart and suggests that he start with Mr. Griffis, who has a gluteal rash. You know, there's nothing -- oh, hold on, there's Robert "Rocket" Romano, who notes, "You know, there's nothing worse than a chapped ass, or so I'm told." Dude, quit stepping on my lines. Romano gracelessly asks Carter, "When did you get out?" Carter says it was a couple of weeks ago. Romano stares at Carter in stony silence for...yep, four full seconds. I don't know why, but I thought that was kind of funny. Carter breaks the deadlock by saying he has a patient, and as he departs, Romano asks Weaver, "So, who's watching the Drugstore Cowboy?" DAMMIT. Again with the stealing my jokes. Weaver reminds Romano that she's the head of the ER, and that Carter is therefore her responsibility. Romano starts to ask her rhetorically whether Carter didn't "develop his addiction under [her] watchful eye," but she cuts him off by asking whether there's something that he needs, and he pretends he just came down to shoot the shit, adding, "Now that I'm down here, perhaps you can tell me what genius replaced all the candy bars in the vending machine with raisins and rice cakes?" "Genius"? More like "devil," if you ask me, and the only devil I've seen around the hospital lately is Rex the Wonder Preemie from last week's episode. Okay, some people have emailed me and others have posted on the boards that they were offended by what they perceived as my insensitivity toward Rex and his mother Regina, a.k.a. "Screamy Mom." But that robot baby was fucking creepy and Regina was fucking annoying, and, lest there was any confusion on the matter, she was a fictional character and "he" was an appliance made to look somewhat like a baby. Follow Carter's example of last season and take a PILL, people. Anyway, Weaver finds it funny that Romano's sole reason for making this visit to the ER was to satisfy a sugar jones, and explains that, as a hospital, County should set a good example by offering healthy snacks. "Healthy snacks"? I know both those words, but that phrase makes no sense to me. ["Nor to me. The words are in English, and yet..." -- Sars] Romano calls her a Nutrition Nazi. She asks if he even took the Hippocratic Oath, and he replies that he had his fingers crossed. Ha. Ha. [crickets] Weaver crutches off, and Chen waylays Romano. He registers her pregnancy and snarks, "Well. I guess I don't have to ask what you've been up to." She lets that go by and says she needs to ask him a favour. He interrupts her, "If it's about taking time off, talk to Weaver. Maternity leave is a topic for those bearing ovaries." Fair enough. But no, she says it's about her parents: "I figured you'd run into them today at the surgical conference --" "I'll say hello," he interrupts (again). (And since he did, I'll take this break to note that this episode is directed by Paris Barclay, the City of Angels co-creator who left that show at the end of its first season in a storm of controversy.) Chen explains, "I haven't told them that I'm pregnant yet, and I'd really appreciate your not saying anything. I want to surprise them." They've arrived at the elevator, where Romano pushes the button and cracks, "How? By going into labour at Sunday dinner?" Ha. Ha. [cough] The elevator dings, and Romano smiles phonily and promises, "Mom's the word." I know the expression is "mum." But he said "mom." I know the difference. Don't send me any emails about it.
Carter is promising Mr. "Ass Rash" Griffis that he won't be much longer (and Mr. Griffis is complaining that he's already been there three hours) when Abby "Lisa" Lockhart wanders in. Carter asks her what she's doing, and she says she's looking for Weaver: "She seems to be under the impression that I'm her own personal temp." Carter tells Lisa that Weaver's door, and Mr. Griffis sits up and crabs, "Hey, is somebody going to dig this wood out of my butt before it sprouts roots, or what?" Yeah, you'd hate to have him grow a flowering ass (Fraxinus anus) right there in front of you. Although the blue ass (F. buttoculata) is more common in the Midwest. Anyway, Carter asks her to help Mr. Griffis with his fundamental problem (heh), and she is naturally not terribly anxious to get on it and asks why Carter can't do it himself, so he explains that Weaver won't let him use any instruments. Oh, come on. Tweezers? And anyway, unless Mr. Griffis is actually giving birth to splinters through his ass, this really isn't a task within her purview as an OB NURSE. (This paragraph was a special shout-out to any etymologists and/or botanists who might read my recaps. Hi!)
Finch and Mark inspect an X-ray. He: you need an ortho surgeon. She: they're ignoring my pages. He: call the attending and tell them you're Kerry. She: this program is about to perform an illegal operation and will close down. She books, and Chen flags down Mark to tell him she has a nine-year-old patient who got hit in the larynx with his skateboard and is pretty hoarse. Blah blah emphysema blah strider blah sats blah blah secretions blah visualize cords blah scope. While Dr. Dave rages on the phone about something in someone's lower right quadrant, Mark examines Chen's patient and tells Chen that she'll need to call the head-and-neck attending (Dr. Dave: "He's too sick for a jump test!"), but Chen says they're all either in surgery or out at the conference. Mark asks Chen to hold on and asks Dave if he has a problem. Dr. Dave says that his patient has been experiencing vomiting and diarrhea for two days, but that Elizabeth (here he indicates the phone) says that's "not a good story for an" appendectomy. Because all the surgeons are out. At the conference. Remember? Dr. Dave tells Mark that the patient has developed even more indications of appendicitis, and that he's told Elizabeth that, but that she still won't come down. Well, Dave, maybe if you weren't the doc who diagnosed wolf, she'd be a little more accommodating. Also, between you and me, your hair doesn't confer upon you very much authority. Mark thanks Elizabeth and hangs up the phone, telling Dr. Dave to follow him.
Lisa finds Weaver and confirms that Weaver paged her. Weaver hands Lisa a couple of glass bottles and asks her to take them to Exam Four. Lisa: why am I here? Weaver: we're short nurses. Lisa: I'm an OB nurse. Weaver: you're planning to go back to med school, and if you work here you'll get experience that will put you way ahead when you come back as a student. Lisa: that should only take me two more years. What? Is that right? I thought she'd only lose a semester! Is it because it'll take her that long to earn the money to pay her tuition? I don't understand! Help me! I'm cold, and there are wolves after me! Luka, who's hunkered down checking the baseboards for any cockroaches he could dispatch, pipes up to tell her, "It's really not so bad down here, Abby." "Oh yeah? Compared to what?" she whines. Um. Compared to Forces of Nature?
Peter "Tattlesnake" Benton pulls his car up to the parking garage, but his key card doesn't raise the barrier. The parking attendant checks her list but his name isn't on it, and she tells him to go park on the street. Ruh roh!
Carter examines Stinky Le Pew, Lydia's indigent patient, and tells him that he has a corneal abrasion. Stinky asks whether that's the same as pinkeye, and Carter explains that it means he has a scratch on his eye, probably caused by some dirt under his eyelid. Stinky muses, "Now, how on earth would that happen?" Carter backs away, takes in a lungful of non-stinky air, and replies that he doesn't know: "Maybe the wind blew it in." Stinky declares, "Well, last time I was in here they said I had pinkeye. Oof!" He starts...scratching his nads. Is this the trend for this season? Because I've already seen plenty in the area (as it were) of nad-scratching. At least work in a tit-scratch? Ass-scratch? Mix it up a little. "And crabs. I think I might have them again," Scratchy explains. Pinkeye and crabs? Pinch me, because I think I'm dreaming...of my perfect man! Carter suggests that they treat one thing at a time, and heads off for an antibiotic for Stinky's eye. "Will it stop the hurting?" Stinky asks. Carter promises to get something for the pain, as well. Wow. They show Stinky's face close up, and it's so caked with dirt that I can't tell if he's white or black underneath. I'm not saying I'm always immaculately clean or anything, but damn.
Mark and Dr. Dave go up to Surgery. They run into Elizabeth; Mark: blah ruptured appy blah. Elizabeth: thought it was a rule-out blah blah. Mark: it's probably blah ruptured by now. Elizabeth: Dr. Dave didn't give me a good enough story. Dr. Dave: I did, too. Elizabeth: did not. Mark: when we call for a consult, that's what we need. Elizabeth: oh, get over yourself, Don Baldo. She snatches the sheet off the gurney, exposing a bunch of equipment they're stealing. Didn't I already see this scene, like, five seasons ago? Thought so.
Chen and Lisa treat a patient who used kitchen shears to give himself Vulcan ears. They're bleeding pretty badly. The ears. Not Lisa, nor Chen, who orders Lisa to irrigate the wounds and treat him with various meds; as they walk off, Lisa suggests a Psych consult, and Chen agrees, adding that she'll call Plastics. The Spock manqué overhears and insists that he's not crazy. Lisa reminds him that he mutilated himself with kitchen shears. He asks how long it'll take, since the sci-fi convention starts in a few hours. Lisa cracks, "We're moving at warp speed, here, Willie." She and Chen smirk to each other. Oh, that's professional.
At the desk, Dr. Dave presents Chen with the scope she needs to examine Tony Hawk Jr. She gasps and smiles (but doesn't actually thank him), which he somehow takes as his cue to start asking intrusive questions about her baby, starting with whether she's picked a name. She flatly tells him she hasn't. He asks whether she's planning on "something Chinese, or a little bit more western." She evasively says she hasn't given it much thought, and books. Carter rolls in and asks if she can write Stinky's Vicodin prescription. Isn't that awfully strong for a scratched eye? ["Maybe it's Matthew Perry under all that grime." -- Sars] Anyway, he hands her a mask and warns her that Stinky...well, you know. Chen smirks fondly, and asks if Carter's gone soft on her. He replies by motioning toward her burgeoning form and saying, "It looks like I missed a few things while I was away, huh?" He asks how far along she is (twenty-four weeks), and whether "this was planned." Oh, please. Gamma raised him better than that. How rude! She evasively replies, "Not particularly," tweaks his necktie, and says she has to run.
Weaver examines a little boy's bleeding hand. The woman accompanying him tells him to hold still. Albert squeals that it hurts. Weaver tells Lisa to irrigate the wound and remarks to the woman (Gloria), "This looks like a human bite." Gloria knows: "His Uncle Charlie bit him." Weaver is, understandably, brought up short by this and she asks Lisa whether she's called Social Services. Lisa points out Uncle Charlie, who looks like he's about four and is sitting on Gloria's other side. Gloria explains that Albert is her grandson, and Charlie is her son. Gloria's daughter got involved with someone who had a drug problem: "She got pregnant; I got Albert." Gloria starts hacking, and Weaver asks her how long she's had that cough; Gloria says it's been a couple of months, but that it comes and goes. Weaver asks Lisa to take Albert and Charlie to the day care while Weaver examines Gloria. From around the corner, we hear Lisa screech, "Ow!" Albert runs back into the hall to inform Gloria that "Uncle Charlie bit the nurse!" Heh.
Back at the desk, Benton's on the phone telling someone that he can't log on to the system. Presently he spots Romano and hands Frank the phone to hang up. "Peter! You're still here!" chirps Romano. Benton tells him about the parking garage and the computer system. If Romano seems unsurprised, that's because he is: "You didn't get my letter?...The letter stating that your privileges have been revoked." Benton is shocked, and follows Romano out to the ambulance bay as Romano explains: "You remember that dialysis patient of yours, uh, Fletcher?...Well, your tattletaling to the Inspector General cost me a $50,000 fine, which my malpractice insurance does not cover." Benton says that he was merely looking out for his patient's interests. Romano adds that Benton also cost the hospital a substantial EMTALA fine: "Now, I had to recoup those monies from somewhere, so I was forced to eliminate the attending position. It's all in the letter." I don't need to say here that Romano completely deserved those fines, and that his firing Benton over it pretty much hands Benton a wrongful dismissal case with a shiny red bow around it, right? Anyway, Romano tries to weasel off, and Benton asks Romano whether they can't discuss this in private. Romano smarms, "Why, Peter? You didn't seem to feel the need to talk in private about our problem. You just decided to go off on your own. So now you are." Well, a look at last week's recap (to which I've already linked, above) will demonstrate that Romano is mistaken. Benton tried to get Mr. Fletcher into surgery, but Maureen from Financial Services blocked him, on Romano's orders. Benton told Romano (in the hall, but still took him aside and spoke to him privately) that Mr. Fletcher needed surgery, and Romano specifically forbade him. Benton tried to sneak Mr. Fletcher into the OR, and Romano told Shirley to prevent him. By then, Benton had no other option but to watch Mr. Fletcher die, or to appeal to the law to get him treatment. Benton has Maureen and Shirley as witnesses. Romano has no leg to stand on, here -- not even the teeny tiny ones he normally stands on. Benton asks, "So what is my position, here?" Romano cheerfully informs him, "You have no position, here." "You're firing me?" Benton demands, incredulously. "No! No, no, no!" Romano walks off, calling over his shoulder, "You fired yourself." Benton fumes, and totally doesn't call a lawyer. That's the first thing I would do, but then, I'm litigious like that.
Carter asks a passing Finch how good she is at getting insects out of kids' ears. She coldly tells him to keep the kid still, and that she'll get to him in a minute. Suddenly, a troop of police storms in like...well, storm troopers, rifles drawn; Carter flattens himself against a wall as they rush past him. Please tell me it's the Style Police, and they're there on a tip about Dr. Dave.
Lisa looks into a girl's throat as her mother buzzes around, complaining, "I brought her to the doctor's with a sore throat. That was three weeks ago, and she's still not getting any better." Finch enters and asks Lisa what's up; Lisa sees tonsillar exudate. Mrs. Throat Girl hisses, "What's that?" and Lisa explains that it's pus. "Gross," says Throat Girl, saving me the trouble. Finch says it looks like strep, and asks Throat Girl (but she calls her Moira) whether she took all the medicine the last doctor prescribed for her. Moira says that she did, and Mrs. Moira growls, "She can't miss any more school." Finch says she'll order some tests to rule out other kinds of infections, but Lisa beats her in announcing what they are. Gosh, that Lisa is some kind of SuperNurse!
In the hall, Mark asks Lisa to find a room for Mr. Duncan, whose wheelchair he's pushing; Mr. Duncan seems to have a bear fully wrapped around himself, with its jaws clamped on his forearm. Chen catches up with Lisa and asks her to suture a head laceration; Lisa reminds Chen that she can't, because she's a nurse now (hence the pink scrubs, Chen, duh), but agrees to clean up after Chen does it. Dr. Dave asks Lisa to take care of three vomiting Japanese businessmen, and to call housekeeping for some buckets. "Anybody else need anything?" Lisa cracks, to herself. "Bring it on!" Awesome! Oh wow!
Lisa's path is crossed by Mr. Di Batista, now in a hospital gown, escorted by the cops we just saw. He complains that he hasn't been granted his phone call. Luka runs over, too late, and asks why Weaver's letting the cops move Mr. Di Batista; Weaver says it's because he was wanted for murder. Frank interjects, "Lucky I recognized him. Once a cop, always a cop." Luka whines that County is a hospital, not a police department, and Weaver tells him, "They can observe him in the jail ward." Luka drones on, "If people don't feel safe here, they'll stop coming when they need medical attention." "Only the criminals," opines Frank. "I'm not talking to you!" snits Luka. Weaver dismisses Frank. Luka starts to tell Weaver he was still observing Mr. Di Batista, and Frank takes off, snorting, "Freaking liberal foreigners!" (Shout-out?) Luka looks like he's thinking about picking a fight, but then decides to spare Frank's life (today) and instead tells Weaver, "It's my decision to transfer or not." Weaver snaps, "Yeah. He's a threat to the patients and the staff, he needs to be in custody, and that is my decision." Lisa trills, "Hey, it's not so bad down here!" Heh. Nearby, Carter tells a shirtless old dude that he's going to give him some antibiotics, adding, "The time you want to pierce your nipples, Mr. Harkins, I suggest you go to a professional." Ew. The time you want to pierce your nipples, I suggest you sleep it off. Lisa asks for Carter's bed to give to Bear Guy, and as Carter starts to walk off, she follows, asking him how it's going. He chirps, "Oh, great!" and then, after glancing around, admits, "Actually, it sucks! I'm not allowed to do anything." Lisa calls up her database of essentially meaningless recovery clichés and offers, "Uh, well...easy does it?" Carter chuckles, and Lisa notes, "You might want to give yourself a little bit of time." Carter replies, "Time and scut -- I've got plenty of both." Lisa tells him it could be worse: "Did you have to pluck maggots out of anybody's crotch today?" But enough about Dr. Dave. Carter says he had a guy with crabs. Lisa declares that's not even close. She takes off, and Carter asks Mark what's new on the big board. Mark directs him to a patient with a urinary tract infection, and Carter complains that he'd hoped for something more interesting, to which Mark replies, "There are no small patients, Carter..." "What about dwarves?" asks Dr. Dave. Oh, all right. Heh. Dr. Dave segues straight into the gossip: he notes that Carter's known Chen for a while, and asks whether Carter knows "who got her pregnant." Carter says that even if he did know, he probably wouldn't tell Dr. Dave, and Dr. Dave observes, "That's not a definitive no." He asks whether Carter and Chen have been [insert obscene frat-boyish arm gesture here]. Carter leaves without answering. Dr. Dave makes "uh huh" noises. Go tap a keg, Dr. Dave.
Lisa gives the Japanese businessmen compazine shots in their asses.
Carter treats a very cute little boy -- in fact, to me he looks exactly like Neil Patrick Harris did circa Clara's Heart -- who uses a wheelchair; he's the one with the possible urinary-tract infection. Carter asks L'il Doogie how he became paralyzed, and L'il Doogie tells him he was hit by a car while riding a bike, and PSAs that he would have been killed if he hadn't been wearing a helmet. Carter distractedly tells him that he's lucky, and L'il Doogie says he didn't used to think so, but that he's since seen kids worse off than he is, in various hospitals. Carter asks L'il Doogie whether it burns when he urinates, and L'il Doogie patiently reminds him that he has no feeling below the waist (and, through a Herculean exhibition of restraint, L'il Doogie delivers said explanation without using the word "duh"), and that he feels pressure in his stomach when his bladder's full, alerting him to catheterize himself: "Lately I've been having to do it more [than usual], which is usually a sign I have an infection." Checking L'il Doogie's ears, Carter expresses surprise that he catheterizes himself, and L'il Doogie says that his grandmother used to help him, but she died in February. Carter asks who takes care of L'il Doogie now, and L'il Doogie says he lives in a retirement home: "It used to be me and my grandmother, and, you know, now it's just me. I know that sounds really lame, but it's right across the street from my school, and some of the old folks don't get a lot of visits from their family [sic], so they like having me around." This is the cheeriest child in creation. He's almost otherworldly. When my great-grandmother lived in a retirement home I never wanted to visit her, ever, because I thought her retirement community had a weird odour. I used to whine whenever a special occasion required that we go. And I was in high school. I'm not proud, okay? Fortunately for me, both my parents are only in their forties, so by the time they get really old, I'll be old, too. And then we can band together and make my sister uncomfortable about visiting us. We can rehearse boring stories ahead of time and offer her nothing but Ribena to drink. Heh heh heh. Anyway, Carter remarks that L'il Doogie's living in the retirement home must be rather like having twenty grandparents, and wise-beyond-his-years L'il Doogie chuckles that he guesses it is. Carter tells L'il Doogie that he'll need antibiotics, and that a nurse will appear at some point to collect a urine sample. L'il Doogie quickly offers to do it himself, since he's used to "doing stuff like that" himself. Carter repeats that he'll have a nurse help him. L'il Doogie nods.
Chen tells Weaver she's a magnet for "the weird ones" today. Weaver is in the process of asking what's up with the patient she's about to see when she slips on a puddle of water on the floor of his exam room. Weaver quickly recovers her balance and Chen scolds, "Mr. Kamitovik, what did I tell you?" She strides over to Mr. Kamitovik, who's shivering and wet; Chen tells Weaver she caught him soaking his blanket in the sink. Mr. Kamitovik (hereafter Mr. K., because I want to finish this recap before Christmas) apologizes through chattering teeth, clutching said blanket around his shoulders. Weaver asks him why it's wet, and Mr. K. explains, "I was afraid I was going to burn. I have a family history of spontaneous human combustion....I've got to stay wet or I'm going to go up like a Roman candle." He delivers this speech to Weaver and then glances over at Chen, on his other side, and screams, "Get that oxygen away from me unless you want this whole place to explode!" Chen soothingly says that she'll turn the oxygen off in the hall if he'll just calm down. Mr. K. glances around the room, terrified, and Weaver says, "Dr. Chen, let's get Mr. Kamitovik [gr!] started on a flame-retardant saline, and get somebody down here from the special burn unit." Chen all but taps the side of her nose, like, this guy is insane, not stupid. Dr. Dave tears into the room, too fast, slides on the puddle of water and totally biffs, landing flat on his face. Now. Normally I am not one to laugh at a pratfall. But HA HA! When it happens to Dr. Dave, it's funny to me. And it looks like he might have really hurt himself! HA HA HAAA! Anyway, he tells Weaver there's a multi-trauma coming in, resulting from a causeway collapsing at the sci-fi convention -- I'm guessing it's the one the Spock manqué had planned to attend. Chen helps Dr. Dave up. I rewind the biffing ten or twelve more times, and giggle each time. See, he yells, first, and then he falls, and you can almost see his feet above his head, and -- oh, ALL RIGHT. Moving on.
Various costumed conventioneers arrive in ambulances. Midline tenderness blah triage blah scalp lac blah dislocated shoulder blah blah blah sci-fishcakes. Pam gives Elizabeth the bullet on the patient I think we're supposed to care about: "Twenty-three-year-old man, crushed pelvis. Fell at least twenty feet." Crushed Pelvis starts moaning feebly for "Danny"; Elizabeth asks who Danny is, and he says he's CP's brother, and was standing to him. Pam says she thinks Morales has Danny. CP makes the moment more poignant (what would the verb form of that be? "poigns"?) by adding that poor Danny didn't even want to go to the sci-fi convention: "I made him." Boy, between things on his pelvis and things on his conscience, this really isn't Danny's brother's day. Dr. Dave appears alongside Danny's bed, quietly telling Elizabeth that Danny's suffered "a bad tib fib." "Please don't let him die," CP begs. Elizabeth tries to hook me up by asking CP's name, but he crashes before he can answer. Crushed Pelvis he was when we met, and Crushed Pelvis shall he remain. Pam bags him.
Inside, Luka directs traffic. A beleaguered Weaver yells at Mark (who's "manning" the radio), "I said we could handle one major!" Mark snaps, "They've got thirty critical patients on scene, Kerry; I said we could take three major and ten minor." Weaver demands, "How can we handle critical patients if we don't have any surgeons?" Don't have...what? They don't have any surgeons? Since when? And why? What is there, like, some kind of conference taking all the surgeons out of the hospital, all at once? Well, they might have mentioned that. What am I, supposed to read up on this at Dr. Dave's Desktop? (Hee -- and what else would one find there? His email? "Randi, you lookd hot in that haltar top last wek. Why don't you comit some agravated mayhem on me sometime? Also, can you chek the scedule and tel me agan when I' m supposed to be working this week? I wrote it on a napkin and put it in my pcket byt then I slipped on some water and soked my pants." And in his browser, bookmarks like DrKoop.com and those famous New Orleans Beadsluts?) Mark says they can stabilize the critical cases and triage them to surgery one at a time. "I hope that we can, Mark," replies Weaver testily, before calling Frank over and asking him to page the surgeons. He tells her they're all at the conference. Hey! I guessed right! Go, me. Carter appears and offers to help; Mark shuts him down. Carter hopefully observes, "Looks like you're getting slammed," and Weaver tells him that's all the more reason for Carter to take the minor medical: "No trauma." Carter pouts. I mean, he actually sticks out his lower lip and pouts. Well, really, it's your first day back in the hospital, Larry Fortensky. What did you expect? Paramedics wheel in someone who might be Danny; he's accompanied by Morales, who tells Mark that maybe-Danny is thirty-two, was felled by a walkway, and had his foot crushed under a girder.
In Trauma One, Elizabeth tells Weaver that CP suffered an open fracture, and that there's "active bleeding through the perineum." Ew. Ewwwww. (Ew.) Machines are beeping. Weaver says she'll put in a central line. Elizabeth asks how the other patient (I really have to assume she's referring to Danny, formerly "maybe-Danny") is doing, and Weaver says it looks like they're putting in a chest tube: "Elizabeth, you should go check on him." Elizabeth says she can't leave CP and yells, "Where's Peter?" "Didn't Romano fire him?" asks Chuny flatly, because nurses know all. "What?" yelps Elizabeth, and Weaver scoffs, "No! I saw him earlier. Try paging him." She exhorts Elizabeth, "Go on! I can handle this!" Elizabeth lists all the things CP requires (part of her orders include the phrase "suprapubic," which makes me giggle and picture a crime fighter with a costume made of coarse, black, curly hairs -- because I'm four), and concludes, "You can't possibly do all of that at once, and I'm certainly not leaving him until he's stable." Weaver counters, "The other patient has a blunt chest trauma! He might be bleeding out!" Elizabeth says that if he is, Luka will come get her. Weaver yells to someone, "Tell Mark Greene he looks like the love child of a walking phallus and a baby chick, and that we are closed to trauma!" Except, not the first part.
In the trauma room, Luka, Lisa, and Chen work on Danny. Luka says he has some breath sounds on the left, orders meds, announces that he'll intubate, and tells Lisa to prep for a chest tube on the left hand side. And to pass the dutchie. Things are tense. Time is of the essence. Luka matter-of-factly tells Lisa to put in the chest tube. She replies, "I can't. I'm a nurse." They argue for a moment; she keeps refusing until he yells, "Go!" She starts, but quickly recovers and calls for a ten blade.
In the hall, Mr. K. soaks some rags in the water fountain before being chased back to his exam room by Dr. Dave. Various costumed personages still litter the halls. Paramedics wheel in a costumed twenty-three-year-old virgin -- I mean, "male" -- who's experiencing chest pain, and who bridles when Dr. Dave tries to cut his costume in order to examine him.
Okay, that guy I said was Danny? That Luka and Lisa were working on? That wasn't Danny. Sorry. Mark is working on Danny, with the crushed foot. He asks where Benton is, and Lily says she thinks he quit. Danny is losing foot pulse, and Mark announces that he needs to get to the OR "now." Lily says AGAIN that they're short on surgeons. Hey, any of you sci-fi types have an extra eyeliner pencil? Great -- would you mind wheeling over to that big clear plastic board at the desk and scrawling "WE GET IT" across it? Because we get it. At least, I get it. Do you? Yeah, I thought you probably did. Lily adds, "I thought we were closing to traumas!" Mark snaps, "Yeah, well, it's a little late for that now!" Um. What was that? Mark, did you just snap at Lily that it was too late to close to trauma? Who told dispatch that County could take three major and ten minor? Because I was watching the show three minutes ago and I'm pretty sure I heard you say it was you. So get on out there to the ambulance bay where more and more patients are still streaming in, and see if Pam will give you a boost onto the roof of her rig so that you can attempt to get over yourself. "A little late for that." I'm sure your mother thought that many times before you annoyed her to death. Lily says she'll go get Elizabeth...
...who is revving up a piece of equipment that looks like nothing so much as a drill. Lily tells Elizabeth that she has a patient with possible compartment syndrome. Elizabeth asks her to stabilize him, and promises she'll be there as soon as she can. Lily says that, in that case, they'll need the digital striker. Weaver tells her to call the OR, and Chuny informs her that it's under the sink, where Mark stowed it after stealing it from upstairs. Elizabeth tells Lily to tell Mark to use it, adding that he must give Elizabeth the readings. Elizabeth uses that drill-looking thing to drill something. Lydia runs in to tell Weaver that the cops have come to arrest Gloria for (according to Frank) writing bad cheques. It sounds like Frank isn't sufficiently challenged in his position. Bounce him! Bring back Jerry!
Carter hooks back up with L'il Doogie, whose room is directly beside Trauma One, and who is watching intently. He asks Carter whether someone got hurt. Carter, washing his hands, curtly replies in the affirmative, and asks whether a nurse came to collect L'il Doogie's urine sample yet. L'il Doogie says no, and asks, "What happened?" Carter gives L'il Doogie the recap on the sci-fi convention. L'il Doogie philosophically says, "It's too bad. I'll bet they never saw it coming. I sure didn't." Carter has no response, and makes to help L'il Doogie onto the bed. He moves aside a big black nylon...something off his lap, revealing that L'il Doogie accidentally wet his pants. L'il Doogie -- quite calmly, under the circumstances -- apologizes, saying that he didn't know he had to go, and that he would have catheterized himself, but he was waiting for the nurse. Carter tells him it's all right. Lydia rushes in, notices the puddle on the floor, and apologizes, saying she'll get to L'il Doogie in a minute; Carter affably says that he'll take care of L'il Doogie, since she's needed in the trauma rooms. L'il Doogie observes, "Most doctors don't like to do this stuff." Carter, again, has no response, and says, "Let's get you out of those wet clothes." He moves toward the window, where he gazes longingly at all the non-junkie doctors toiling on their interesting, non-urine-soaked patients. I guess the patients are always greener on the other side of the glass. Or something.
Weaver hurries in to Gloria's curtain area and tips her off that the cops are on their way. See you later, voice of Babe. As she books, Weaver runs into Elizabeth "Significant Others" Mitchell. Weaver says she hopes -- well, I don't know her name, and I can't call her Elizabeth because there already is one, so -- Mitchell is there to help out with the ER's many traumas, but Mitchell says she's come to take Mr. K. up to Psych. Weaver says, again, that she wishes Mitchell could stay and help, but Mitchell chirps that they have their own problems in Psych: "Tonight's a full moon. Stop by, later, if you want; it'll be like Mardi Gras." She flits off. Oh, go fuck Gia, Mitchell. But then...Weaver watches her go, her gaze lingering just a leeeetle too long. Maybe she's thinking of Mitchell fucking Gia.
Leg. Swab. Orange goo. Needle. Danny needs a fasciotomy. Mark's only done one, in med school, on a cadaver. Lily tells him he can't do it in the ER. Mark says that if he doesn't, Danny will need an amputation. He tells Lily to get Elizabeth on the intercom. Long story short, she can't leave her patient, so she'll have to talk him through it.
Weaver busts in on Luka and not-Danny (formerly Danny, formerly maybe-Danny) in time to catch Lisa sewing in not-Danny's chest tube. Weaver very quietly and calmly bitches out Lisa; when she looks to Luka for backup, he merely says, "She knows how," instead of "I ordered her to do it," which is kind of shitty of him. But I just can't stay mad at that face of his. Plus, if I did, he'd smother me with his mind like Darth Vader. Weaver exposits that Lisa is no longer covered on such procedures under the hospital's malpractice insurance. Luka wearily says, "We were short-handed. The patient could have died if she hadn't put it in!" Weaver figures out that Luka "let her put it in" (and, let me just say, I'm guessing he doesn't generally meet with a lot of opposition when he suggests that any "she" "put it in," if you know what I'm saying, and I think you do), which is not quite how the whole thing went down (and, again, speaking of going down...but enough about me), but whatever. Weaver snaps that it's Luka's responsibility if anything goes wrong, and that he should have called Weaver. Luka offers his last gasps: "She did a great job....You were busy." Weaver angrily snaps on a pair of gloves and tells Lisa to step back. Lisa is a bit slow on the uptake and murmurs that she's almost finished, so that Weaver practically has to place her body between Lisa and the patient in order to take over. Lisa stumbles out in frustration, on an errand for pavulon for Elizabeth.
In the supply closet, she runs into Carter, who asks her whether they have any extra-small scrubs for L'il Doogie, and Lisa whines, "Don't ask me; I didn't even know I was working here 'til today." This proves to be the peroration to her full-throated declamation on the theme "Poor Me," like, fine AA sponsor you are, Princess Graceless of Moan-aco. The précis: Lisa doesn't like the ER but she's afraid that if she says as much to her nurse manager, Weaver will have a grudge against her in the event that she returns to the ER as a med student. Carter is evidently confident that she'll come back (since she has a contract -- er, I mean, "this place grows on you"), but Lisa opines that the ER is "a freak show" and makes a fungus joke that is more played than the 2000 World Series. She hands him a pair of little scrubs and makes with the pavulon.
Carter tells L'il Doogie that his self-diagnosis was correct, and gives him the l'il scrubs. He prescribes bactrim and says he'll help L'il Doogie with the scrubs in a minute. L'il Doogie asks whether Carter can hook a brother up with some extra catheters, and Carter says he can. L'il Doogie gives Carter a paper airplane modeled after a "F22 Raptor." Carter somehow intuits that L'il Doogie "like[s] jets," and asks whether it'll fly. L'il Doogie makes an "of course" noise, and launches it down the hall, where it hits Weaver in the back of the head. She whips around and snaps, "Grow up, Malucci." Heh. You know what would've been funnier? If she yelled at him, and then he fell down.
Dr. Dave wanders into a curtain area to give Chen some versed. She's treating a patient whose mouth is wrenched open. Dr. Dave, attempting "casual," wonders, "When are we going to meet Daddy?...The father. Of your baby. Everybody's kind of curious." "Everybody" may be curious about it but at least they have enough class to place bets about it behind Chen's back. Geez. Chen ignores him and asks how her patient's doing; Dr. Dave says "he's out." Chen climbs up on the patient's bed, straddling him, and informs Dr. Dave, "You know, my pregnancy is none of your business. [reaching into her patient's mouth and straining to close it] In fact, nothing remotely concerned with my personal life is anybody's business." She sort of pants at the effort, and Dr. Dave sniffs, "I just wanted to meet the lucky guy. You do know who the father is, right?" What the -- WHAT?! I know he went to med school in Grenada and all and we're supposed to think he's dumb, but wasn't he raised by...you know, people? Who asks a question like that?! Chen rolls her eyes, and Dr. Dave adds, more quietly, "I'm sorry, I can't help myself sometimes. There's something about seeing you this way that I find very sexy." She rolls her eyes some more and orders post-reduction films. Dr. Dave cautions her not to forget contra-sedation protocol: "Somebody's got to baby-sit this guy 'til he wakes up." Chen snaps the chart against his chest and says, "I guess that would be your job...Dddd-ave." She wasn't about to say "Dad," was she? Because that would just be ludicrous. If Dr. Dave sired her child -- or anybody's child -- I don't even know what.
Moira -- Finch's patient with the sore throat -- has gonorrhea. In her throat. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Finch wonders aloud how to inform the patient of her condition without her mother's finding out, and Carter -- holding up the wall (hey, if you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean -- urine, that is) -- offers to do it. Finch shortly tells him that it's okay, and when he presses, she snaps, "I've got it!" Word -- mind your knitting, Grandma! Meanwhile, Elizabeth continues to practice medicine Cyrano de Bergerac-style, using Mark as her Christian. Except that Christian is supposed to be good-looking. Anyway.
Finch manages to catch Moira when her mom's out of the room, and breaks the bad news. Moira's never had intercourse and still managed to get an STD. Dude, that is harsh. And eeeevil! Who's her boyfriend, Rex the Wonder Preemie? Moira says she didn't even want to do it in the first place. Finch concludes by asking Moira to promise she'll have safe sex from now on. "I thought I was," groans Moira. You know what? I don't even want to think about throatal gonorrhea anymore. This story line never happened. La la la la la la!
Yay! Jackie! Jackie plays with Reese. Peter walks in and Jackie asks him what he's doing home. Peter tells the half-truth that there's a surgical conference (there is?), and that all elective surgery was cancelled for the day, so he thought he'd come home and play with Reese. Jackie remarks that being an attending has its privileges. Benton is really cute with Reese. Reese plays with a truck, so Benton asks whether Reese wants to be a fireman. Reese shakes his head. Benton picks up a horse, and asks if Reese wants to be a cowboy, the answer, once again, negative. Benton grins at him, and watches as Reese picks up a toy stethoscope and puts it in his ears. Jackie laughs that she'll have two doctors in the family. Oh, the dramatic irony of it all. Plus, Benton, the longer you wait to tell Jackie you lost your job, the worse it's going to be, because even though we all know you're going to get your job back eventually, you should know that she is going to find out, and be right pissed that you kept it from her. You just can't keep a secret like that. It's like the time I put a huge (and I mean basketball-sized) dent in my parents' Diplomat by reversing into a pole I didn't see at the U.S.-Canadian border. (Kids: always shoulder-check!) I was living in another city a few hours' drive away for the summer and had come home for a long weekend. My parents were away the day I put the dent in the car so I thought I could park it in the garage, they'd drive the Tempo, wouldn't see the dent until I'd already gone back to Kingston, and wouldn't put the blame on me. Why wouldn't they, knowing I was the last person to drive it? I don't know. It seemed reasonable at the time. In fact, I practiced my cover story by telling my friend kitten that I'd noticed the dent when I got in the car at the mall in Buffalo where I'd been shopping, and that the best I could figure was that someone must have hit the Diplomat in the parking lot. She was like, "Really?" and I was like, "No. But did that sound believable?" Anyway, my parents returned the day, and my dad saw the dent (because he wasn't blind, and because you literally could not miss the dent if you were oh, say, getting into the driver's seat), and came into the house where I was nervously chatting with my mom and asked how I thought the car had been dented. I was like, "It...what? Dent?" and my mom actually started laughing because my guilt was so clearly written across my face. And the ironic coda of the story is that, before dropping me at my train the day, my dad had to give me my new CAA (the Canadian equivalent of AAA) membership card. D'oh! After a couple of days, he got over it -- at the time of the accident, the car was already sold to one of my mom's co-workers for use by one of his bum teenagers -- but the story is still retold with much mirth at family gatherings all these six years later. My point -- and I do have one -- is that the truth will out, especially when you lie to a family member who (a) knows you well, and (b) will be hurt to have been deceived, so it's better to tell the truth at the earliest opportunity.
As Carter loiters some more at the desk, Mrs. Moira demands to know how much longer she'll have to wait. Carter starts to look up Moira's chart, and Finch appears behind him and tells Mrs. Moira that Moira's ready to go. Mrs. Moira makes some snippy remark and Finch snaps at Carter, "What did you say to her?" Carter says he didn't say anything, and that he didn't even know who Mrs. Moira was.
Elizabeth sends CP up to surgery; Mark follows close behind with Danny. Elizabeth checks out Mark's work on Danny's leg and comments, "That's not bad for a first time." Mark says it's easy "when you follow directions." Elizabeth tartly replies, "Yes. Funny how I can talk you through a complicated fasciotomy, but when I tell you to pick up your socks, you just ignore me!" [GASP!] SHOUT! OUT! From last week's recap: "Sometimes I think that if I see one more of Glark's socks on the floor beside the laundry hamper that I'll have to smother him with it." Hello? I'll be sitting on my front stoop, waiting for my cheque. Goodbye.
What's that? The episode's not over yet? Oh. Dr. Dave erases a patient's name off the board and complains that no one on his shift suffered a penetrating chest wound. Yes. That is a pity. Not even you, more's the pity. Frank nabs another wanted patient, and Weaver curtly tells him not to perform any more record checks on patients. Mitchell appears and asks Weaver where Mr. K. went; Weaver says he must be around somewhere, and they head off in search of him.
Carter pushes L'il Doogie out into the hall and asks him to wait a minute. Finch is smilingly bidding adieu to the Moiras when Carter wanders over and asks whether that was the gonorrhea patient, and whether Finch was able to treat her without the mother's finding out about the STD. Finch tersely answers in the affirmative on both counts. Carter says he wasn't trying to step on her toes by offering to take the case, but just wanted to help. "I know," she says flatly, and moves off. Carter puppies after her, asking, "Do you, uh, have a problem with me being here?" "Of course not," she says, and leaves to erase all the temp files on her hard drive.
In Mr. K.'s exam room, Mitchell and Weaver find alcohol pads wadded up all over the floor, but no sign of the patient. Weaver calls for Mr. K. through the adjoining bathroom door. He calls back that he's in the bathroom, but that he can't come out, is burning up, and needs wet blankets. Mitchell assures him that she can get him some upstairs. Dr. Dave offers to bring Mr. K. out, and Weaver accepts. Dr. Dave opens the door, and Mr. K. comes whirling out; he is, of course, on fire, but since spontaneous human combustion is not medically possible, the only cause to which I could attribute Mr. K.'s bursting into flames is...yes. Rex the Wonder Preemie. Set him on fire. I am telling you, he is evil! He switched the good snacks with healthy ones. He gave Moira gonorrhea in her throat. Now this. thing you know he's going to be splitting the Democratic vote and delivering a Bush victory. Weaver exhibits some quick thinking by loosing the fire extinguisher on Mr. K.; she calls for the burn unit, and Mitchell calls for a gurney. And a cigarette, to light using the embers flaking off Mr. K., because now she is thinking about fucking Gia.
Carter takes L'il Doogie up to the roof to launch a new paper airplane. Someone please give L'il Doogie a spin-off. Carter's pager goes off, and Carter tells L'il Doogie his ride is here. "I'm out of airplanes anyway," says L'il Doogie philosophically. He thanks Carter for bringing him up to the roof, and Carter says that if L'il Doogie makes more airplanes, Carter will bring him back. "I'd like that," says L'il Doogie politely. Okay, I know they'll have to contrive a reason to bring him back to the hospital, but if this adorable kid gets gonorrhea in his throat, I quit.
Luka mopes in the ambulance bay, thinking about how much he loves peanut butter. Lisa wanders out and sits on the bench beside him. He observes that she's popular today. She replies, "I'm everybody's favourite nurse. But that's the problem, because as a med student, I screwed up everything -- everything. Things I could do with my eyes closed." Speaking of things you could do with your eyes closed, Luka says, "I think it's all in here [taps forehead]. You are a good nurse, Abby. But you could be a great doctor. You just need a little confidence." She smiles sadly, and then leans forward impulsively and plants one straight on Luka's lips. Her eyes suddenly widen at the realization of what she's done, and she chokes, "Oh my god! I'm sorry!" and laughs. Suddenly, a choir of angels starts singing, the skies open up and pour out God's own light, and...I mean, "Luka smiles." Lisa adds, "I can't believe I did that!" Um, yeah. You're crazy. Not. ["No kidding. I 'can't believe' she didn't block-tackle him while ripping her scrubs (and totally way-too-low-cut tank top) off." -- Sars] Chuny calls to Lisa that she's got a "code brown" (yeah, that'll kill the mood dead, right there), and she gets up to take care of it. Luka nods at her, still smiling. Lisa chuckles, "I'll see you later," and waves. Aw.
Finch walks into Benton's, where he's sulking on the couch. She says she's been calling, and asks why he didn't pick up. He says he didn't feel like talking. Finch says she heard from Shirley that he'd been fired, and Benton snorts, "I guess the whole hospital knows by now, huh?" She asks why he didn't tell him. He says nothing. Blah Jackie blah blah gone for hours blah what did you tell her? blah blah didn't tell her anything blah blah blah terminationcakes. Finch asks what happened. Benton tells her about the fines, she says Romano deserves them, he says Romano's taking them out on Benton, she suggests Romano's just blowing off steam, he says this time Romano's serious. She suggests that Benton talk to Anspaugh, and Benton scoffs that Anspaugh already knows Romano sucks. Finch says that Benton is a great surgeon, and a good man, and that they'll work it out. She kisses him, and settles back to him. She was not terrible in that scene. Or maybe that's the Daylight Savings Time talking.
Carter flips through charts and runs into Lisa; he comments that his day got better, and asks whether hers did, too. Still aglow with the light we call Luka, she chirps, "I think so!" Dr. Dave regales Frank with the tale of Mr. K.'s spontaneous combustion, and Carter remarks that there's no such thing. Dr. Dave snorts that there was "no lighter, no matches, no nothing" (all REX), and Frank backs him up, claiming that he saw something like it as a cop. Mark asks Carter how his first day back was, and Carter says it was fine, but slow, which Mark says is good. He asks if Carter's done, and Carter says he is "officially out of" there. Mark blandly says "there's just one last thing to do," and hands him a cup. Carter regards it, momentarily stunned (and a bit stung), but he says, "Sure," and makes for the washroom. "Coming with me?" he asks Mark, who replies, "Those are the rules."
In the men's room, Mark says that he has to witness the whole process: "Trust me, it's no treat for me either." Carter goes to the urinal, and Mark stands beside him, with his back turned. There are none of the usual sounds of urination. Carter stares at the ceiling. Mark asks if Carter's seen any good movies lately (yeah, way to act casual, Mark), and Carter curtly says, "No." Mark stares off, and then offers to run some water. Carter stares down as he completely fails to pee, and then...finally pees. Ah, blessed release -- Carter with the bladder, and me with the end of the episode.
week: Benton finds out that Romano's talked shit about him to every hospital in town.