Thanks to The Pasha, Wendola, Glark, and Wing.
Previously on ER, Carter carves another notch into his blonde belt, Jeanie and Reggie decide to get married, Kerry mentions her new position as chief of emergency medicine about seventeen thousand times, and Carla tells Benton he may not be Reese's father.
Fade up on Hawkeye wandering through the ER and taking stock of the place as sirens wail in the background. He approaches the front desk and asks Randi if he can have Betsy's Wedding officially stricken from the public's consciousness -- oops, actually, he tells her he's looking for Dr. Weaver, and Randi says, "She went that way, handing out badges." Hawkeye and the audience both say, "Excuse me?" and Randi makes a "whatever" face and holds up a laminated backstage-pass-type thing. Hawkeye reads off of it, "'Creativity, Accountability, Respect, Excellence.' That's a lot to live up to." Randi smiles tightly and hails Malik, saying Hawkeye wants to find Dr. Weaver, as Malik buzzes past the front desk with a bleeding shirtless guy in tow. Hawkeye follows them to a curtain area, and Malik tells Lucy "Edge Of" Knight that Bleeding Shirtless Guy has a cut on his arm, and Lucy asks BSG what he got stabbed with, and BSG says a carving knife, and Malik and Lucy move the shirt that BSG has wrapped around his wrist, only to release a spray of arterial blood that lands on Hawkeye's lapels. Hey, I don't think I've ever seen The Official First-Day Initiation Of The New Guy With Wayward Bodily Fluids. Oh, silly me, of course I have. On this very show. About a hundred times. Anyway, Hawkeye says, "There goes the ulnar," and he gloves up and sternly tells BSG to hold still and "don't be such a baby." Lucy asks Hawkeye if he's a doctor; Hawkeye ignores her and fashions a makeshift tourniquet from a blood-pressure cuff while giving orders to Lucy and Malik. The spouter stops. Hawkeye proudly cites the "Creativity" mentioned on the badge, and Lucy snottily asks, "Who are you?" Just then, Kerry "What's My Title?" Weaver crutches over and apologizes to Hawkeye for her lateness. They share a laugh over sutures, and Weaver introduces Hawkeye to Lucy as "Dr. Gabriel Lawrence, and he's our new attending." Hawkeye and Lucy shake hands as Jamie Farr gets off the elevator in a flowered dress and bursts into an impromptu rendition of "Coney Island Baby." Well, except for that whole Jamie Farr thing. Cut to the credits.
In the hallway, Mark "Dr. Peevil" Greene pulls on his white coat. Weaver flags him down and introduces him to Hawkeye, and Mark says he's heard a lot about Hawkeye, and Hawkeye says, "Don't hold it against me." Mark notices the blood on Hawkeye's shirt and asks, "Were you in an accident?" and Hawkeye says he started his shift a little early. Mark, all confused: "I'm sorry?" Kerry, all business-like: "Gabe is coming over from New Western as our new attending." Mark, stuffing a pen in his pocket, repeats passive-aggressively, "As our new attending." Kerry says pointedly that they're incredibly lucky to have Hawkeye, "don't you think?" and Mark says with a fake smile, "Absolutely." Kerry says she wants to give Hawkeye the grand tour, and when she invites Mark to join them, he snaps, "No, I've done the grand tour. I'm gonna get this," and does the Bald Stomp after a passing gurney. Doris briefs him on a twenty-eight-year-old who fell off his bike and lost consciousness for two minutes, and Mark half-listens while glaring over his shoulder at Hawkeye and Kerry.
Peter "Gentle" Benton talks to his attorney at Doc Magoo's, telling him what Carla said about Reese's paternity. The lawyer: "Think she's lying?" Peter: "I don't know -- I wasn't with her twenty-four hours a day, you know?" He adds that Carla will probably use it against him, and his lawyer says that she can't; she could have raised the issue in the petition to determine parentage three months before, but since she didn't, "it's moot, it's not a problem." The lawyer then observes, "You put yourself through a hell of a lot for this," and says that Peter should make sure Reese is his by taking a DNA test. Peter makes the patented Benton Smirk Of Disdain and says no. The lawyer points out that Peter hired him to protect his interests, and "if you're looking for a way out, she just gave you one." Peter stares at him, looks down, then stares at him again.
Carol "Of The Sacred Heart" Hathaway stretches her aching back in a trauma room. A moment later, a gurney bumps through the doors and John "Chick Magnet" Carter announces, "We're gonna have to intubate." The paramedics help him hoist the patient on the table, and Elizabeth "Green Card" Corday bustles in and asks what they've got. Carter reels off the stats -- sixteen-year-old male with a single gunshot to the left chest -- and says he'll put in a chest tube if Corday will intubate. Meanwhile, Carol comforts the patient, Joshua, and hands Haleh his ID and asks her to call his family. Haleh looks at the kid's ID, a video card, and makes skeptical noises but goes to give it a try. Enter Robert "When In" Romano to quiz Corday on a rescheduled surgery; she says she had a cancellation, so she "moved up the mastectomy," presumably Elaine "Brassy" Nichols's. After a bit of bickering, Romano accedes to Corday and goes door. Carter wants to sew in the tube, Carol calls the ICU to try to find a bed for Joshua, blah blah blah fishcakes. Carter aims for "subtle" but once again takes a wrong turn at "nosy," interrogating Corday about the mastectomy patient, and Corday confirms that it's Brassy; then Carter questions Corday's judgment in moving the procedure forward. Corday asks suspiciously, "Why are you so interested?" Carter, without looking up, blunders, "She's a friend, of the family." Corday: "Really?" Carter: "Mm hmm." Corday shuts him down briskly: "Then I shouldn't be discussing it with you, should I? Make sure you get a chest film." Word. Oh, and Carter? The fact that you slept with Brassy a few times does not give you power of attorney over her breasts, so mind your own damn business. ["In fact, that's exactly why she hired someone with less hands-on
experience with her aforementioned knockers to make the objective decision over whether one or both of them should be removed." -- Wing Chun] Also, shut up. Corday leaves the room, snapping off her gloves, and Romano accosts her again, saying that the (according to Wendola, fictional) Chicago Gazette plans to send over a reporter that day, "mostly to do a puff piece on me, but they also want to take a look at the ER." Corday asks why he's told her this. Romano: "Well, because you're gonna show him around, show him what heroes we all are, how we save kiddies' lives, et cetera -- you know, blow my trumpet, Lizzie." Corday asks drily, "Wouldn't you do that better yourself?" Romano points out, "Look at you, look at me. Who would you rather spend an hour with?" Corday raises her eyebrows, then says, "You have a point."
Mark waves his finger around in front of the bike-accident guy and tells him to wear a helmet time. The guy follows the finger with his eyes and grumbles, "Come on, Doc, gimme a break." Mark tries to scare him by mentioning fractured skulls and feeding tubes, and the guy agrees to the helmet just to shut Mark up. Boy, if that's all it takes, I think Wing and I need a couple of helmets too. ["I'd go as far as elbow pads too, actually." -- Wing Chun] BAG wants to know if he can go now. Mark says not yet, and tells Chuny the guy needs a head CT. As Chuny takes BAG's blood pressure, he asks about her badge, and Chuny calls it her "core values badge" and lists the values while Mark writes on BAG's chart and rolls his eyes, and BAG smarms, "All that and beautiful too -- you must be some kinda nurse." Chuny agrees, "I am." BAG asks Chuny, "Why doesn't Dr. Grumpy have one?" Mark slaps the chart down on the table and says with false cheer, "Guess I'm out of the loop." Not far enough, unfortunately.
Lucy tells a young woman she has a broken arm and they'll need some X-rays. The young woman, Loren, has a banged-up face also, and she closes her eyes wearily as Luka "Yes, I Think I'm Okay" Kovac asks, "Any other sign of trauma?" Lucy reports a contusion of the right shoulder, ecchymoses of the face and right hip (my Stedman's Medical Dictionary defines "ecchymosis" as a discoloration of the subcutaneous skin layer caused by ruptured blood vessels -- in other words, a bruise), and slight tenderness to the wrist. Luka makes an "I suspect foul play" face and asks Loren how far she fell. She says, "I'm not sure." Then he asks her how she landed, and she says sort of unconvincingly that she doesn't remember, and she apologizes. Luka tells her not to worry, "that's what we have X-rays for." Lucy lists the X-rays she'll order, and Luka says pointedly that they don't want to miss anything.
Hawkeye looks at the board. Kerry remarks that they have more patients than his old hospital, and she knows it's busy, but Hawkeye says, "Busy is good. Busy keeps you young." He selects a patient. At the desk, Jeanie "The Future Mrs. Hardell" Boulet opens wedding gifts, including a decidedly non-sexy cook-pot from Conni, and Haleh says Jeanie can use it to make a nice hot gumbo. Whatever. We find out that Jeanie leaves at six o'clock on a plane to New Orleans, and the morning "Reggie will make [her] an honest woman." Aw. Kerry asks what happened to Jeanie's core values badge; Jeanie says a toddler chewed it. Kerry gives her another one, to Jeanie's patent non-enthusiasm, and tells her, "Always wear it." As she crutches away from the desk, Kerry mutters snidely that she guesses Jeanie can take it off on her wedding night. Again, whatever.
Hawkeye administers a neurological exam to Bike-Accident Guy. Carter comes in to observe. After laughing politely at Hawkeye's joke about Brigitte Bardot, Carter introduces himself. Hawkeye quizzes him on which reflex would indicate increased intracranial pressure. Carter doesn't know. Hawkeye scratches the thenar eminence and looks for corresponding contractions of the chin, but doesn't see any, which means no intracranial pressure. He refers to this handy-dandy folksy-wolksy trick as "Radovici's sign" and tells BAG to get dressed and he'll see about getting BAG discharged. Hawkeye and Carter chat on their way down the hall, where they run into Mark, and Mark asks if Carter has the migraine in four, and Carter sort of absently says yes and goes back to picking Hawkeye's brain. Mark sulks.
Benton holds Reese while Cleo "My Kingdom For A Plot" Finch examines him for signs of ear infection. Finch asks about the day-care situation and whether Reese's mother works too; when Benton says she does, Finch remarks, "That's gotta be tough on the both of you," and adds, "Such a sweet kid," with about as much sincerity as a politician. I didn't care for Doug Ross's cowboy crap, but at least George Clooney made me believe he really liked kids, whereas I get the feeling that Michael Michele likes kids about as much as I do (read: not at all). Anyway, Benton brings the subject back to Reese's ear, and Finch says he has a "nasty-looking otitis." She prescribes medication and asks Benton if he had a lot of ear infections himself as a kid. Benton says, "No, why?" Finch says that they often run in families, a comment that obviously strikes a nerve with Benton, who says uncomfortably that Reese probably picked it up from one of the other kids in day-care. Finch offers to watch Reese for a while. Benton says, "Yeah, yeah, sure," and hands him over. Finch signs "hello" to Reese about ten times; Benton pats him on the head and leaves. Hey, they should set up Finch as a love interest for Benton! Oh, right. They just did.
At the desk, Carol asks Randi if ICU found a bed for Joshua Fox yet; Randi says no, and Carol tells her to call them again. Mark then asks Chuny if she's seen Bike-Accident Guy, and Randi squints at the board and says, "Spandex Butt? Yep, he was discharged by G. L. Who's G.L.?" Mark growls, "Gabriel Lawrence," and Randi leers, "Oh, right, the good-looking older guy -- I just saw him go into the lounge with Dr. Corday." Marky Mark prepares to get his panties into a funky bunch.
Cut to the lounge, where Hawkeye is telling the endearingly folksy story of the stethoscope's invention to Corday. Hawkeye turns to Mark and asks if he knows the story of the invention of the stethoscope, and Mark says tersely, "I don't. Did you discharge one of my patients?" Hawkeye says he doesn't believe he did, and Mark reminds him about Bike-Accident Guy, and Hawkeye sort of shrugs and says, "I wasn't aware he was your patient." Mark tries to guilt-trip Hawkeye: "Well, he was. I'd ordered a head CT, which he obviously didn't get." Hawkeye tells him not to worry, he performed a thorough neurological examination and the patient didn't need a CT; Mark adopts the adenoidal tone he reserves for passive-aggressive dissent in order to say, "He had a loss of consciousness, put him at a risk factor [sic] for intracranial hemorrhage." Hawkeye shrugs again: "Yeah, miniscule risk. I gave him a head-injury instruction sheet; if he has any warning signs, he'll come back." Cut to Corday looking uneasy as Mark again tries to one-up Hawkeye by saying that BAG lives alone and if he slips into a coma, nobody would know about it; then he gets in a dig at Hawkeye's credentials: "This isn't like New Western -- County patients tend to be a little less reliable when it comes to follow-up." Hawkeye patiently says he's aware of that, so he asked BAG to call him in four hours, but Mark keeps at him, saying sarcastically that BAG probably can't call if he's "passed out on the kitchen floor." Hawkeye sees what's going on here, and he asks Corday innocently what she would do. She tries to wriggle out of answering, but Mark presses her. She glares at him and quizzes Hawkeye on the neuro exam; after hearing his answers, she gives a more diplomatic response than Mark's behavior warrants: "I think Dr. Greene was just being very thorough." Hawkeye gloats, "Sounds like a 'no' to me," then taps Mark on the elbow and says, "Look at it this way, we just saved [BAG] $800. 'A for Accountability,'" and he holds up his core values badge. Mark huffs, "Right," and stalks out of the lounge.
Kerry tells the social worker, "She really does meet all the requirements." She must mean Jeanie, for becoming a foster parent. All together now -- aw. Mark butts in and wants to talk to Kerry. He asks why Kerry didn't tell him she planned to hire Hawkeye. Kerry says she only found out Hawkeye could work for them two days before, and Mark busts her chops for not finding the time to have a five-minute conversation in two days. Kerry calls Hawkeye "a legend" and "one of the founding fathers of emergency medicine," saying again that "we're so lucky to have him." Mark bitches, "Couldn't you have the courtesy to at least tell me first? It's called respect, Kerry. Hey, look, it's even on your stupid badge." He flounces off, presumably to whip out his tiny little penis and piss all over both the ER and Corday in order to mark what tattered shreds of his territory remain, and Kerry joins me in rolling her eyes.
The Magical Legend Of The Leprechauns? Find me the guy who green-lighted that. Find him, and kick his ass.
Carter enters the surgical clinic and sees Brassy, all in white (including, might I add, white pumps after Labor Day). He greets her: "I heard you were coming in today." Brassy, icily: "Did you? I asked you to leave me alone." Carter, taking a seat: "Yeah, I know, I know that you did, and I'm sorry, but I really needed to talk to you, because it's -- because I don't want you to have the wrong idea about me." Brassy, obviously wanting to rid herself of him, says quickly, "I don't," but John doesn't catch his snap: "I want you to know that I'm here for you, and for me, this wasn't just about --" Brassy interrupts, "Sex?" Carter says it "wasn't about that," and Brassy says crisply, "It was for me." She goes on to say that she doesn't need tenderness or worry or anything else from him; she just needs him to go away. Carter shakes his head and says, "I don't wanna go away." Brassy stares at him, livid. Carter stares back. I've probably seen plots similar to this one handled in a clumsier and more uncompelling fashion, but I can't think where.
Lucy and Luka examine Loren's X-rays. Luka has pulled her records and discovered that Loren has a bunch of old injuries. Lucy says that Loren wants to leave as soon as her arm gets splinted; Luka tells Lucy that Loren has only come to County a couple of times, but she's gone to other area hospitals several times each, and he doesn't want her to go home. He clearly thinks Loren's getting knocked around. The Ls enter Loren's room, and Loren's husband Paulie -- played by a "Hey, It's That Guy!" actor who usually fills sleazy roles like this one, and who therefore is a dead giveaway that Luka's hunch is probably correct -- thanks them for looking after Loren "so well." The Ls eye Paulie with suspicion. Lucy says gently, "Loren wasn't clear on how the accident exactly happened." Paulie says, "Maybe that's because she's a little bit embarrassed, isn't that right, Loren?" Paulie gives Loren a menacing grin, and she nods the brightly eager nod of the stone terrified. Lucy asks Paulie what happened, and he says Loren fell off a ladder while hanging drapes in their bedroom, and he'd asked her not to do it herself, "didn't I, honey?" Paulie strokes Loren's head, and Loren agrees with what Paulie said. Lucy gives Luka a look and asks, "Should I splint her?"
At the desk, Corday asks to have a word with Mark, but before she can deliver the browbeating he so richly deserves -- nay, which his gigantic brow verily demands -- Romano barges up with the Gazette reporter in tow. Corday comments on the scrubs the reporter has donned, and Scoopette Brady says officiously, "Yes. It was my idea. I wanted to blend in." Romano blithers on about Corday showing Scoopette around, and asks Mark if he minds. Mark says flatly, "If you feel that Dr. Corday has the time." He leaves, and Corday watches him go, and then Romano goes on his way also and Corday and Scoopette stand awkwardly at the desk.
Jeanie comes into Joshua Fox's trauma room with a young man in tow and tells Carol, "This is Josh's cousin." Carol makes happy noises and wakes Josh to tell him his cousin has arrived. The cousin asks, "How's he doin'?" and Carol tells him, "He looks a lot worse than he is," and explains the tubes in Josh's chest; meanwhile, Josh has picked his head up to look at his cousin, and all his monitors have begun beeping faster. Jeanie notices that he's "taching." A worried Carol asks, "Josh? Are you in pain?" and tells Jeanie to page Benton in case Josh has started hemorrhaging, and she calls out, "Let's spin a crit!" as Josh's blood pressure spikes up. Josh keeps staring in frank fear at his cousin, and Carol and Jeanie order the cousin out as Carol asks Josh what's wrong. Enter Hawkeye to help; he too asks Josh what the problem is. Um, he has a tube down his throat and no medical training, people -- how on earth do you expect him to tell you what's going on? Josh makes a gun with his thumb and index finger. Carol says, "You were shot, yes, we know," and Josh shakes his head and cuts his eyes towards the door, where he can see his cousin standing. Carol follows his gaze and says, "Oh my god -- they've recycled this subplot!" Actually, she says, "Oh my god -- he's the shooter." Jeanie goes to call Security, and Hawkeye walks over to the door and eyes the cousin mistrustfully, spooking the cousin, who takes off, knocking over a gurney in the hall. A too-fat, probably-too-old security guard ["of the kind you usually see strolling around university campuses armed with a cup of coffee" -- Wing Chun] rounds the corner and drawls, "Hey, hold it right there," and the cousin draws a gun and aims it at the guard. As various extras screech and dive into doorways, the guard slowly reaches for his gun and points it at the cousin. The cousin fires the first shot, which prompts the guard to start shooting, and the camera cuts between various main characters hitting the deck with their patients and the guard and the cousin squeezing off endless rounds and failing to come even close to hitting one another. Mark gets down on the ground and pulls a patient's gurney into a trauma room from the hall; meanwhile, Benton books over to the pedes room to check on Reese. The shooting continues with more shattered glass and shrieking. Finally, the cousin runs out of bullets, drops the gun, and shambles quickly away. Thus endeth this week's installment of "Shootout At The MD Corral" (tm Glark). Dave "Pull My Finger" Malucci gets off the elevator, snacking on candy and wondering why he doesn't see anyone. A shot of the shattered glass. Corday and Hawkeye creep out to find the security guard on the floor with a bloodstain on his abdomen, and they haul him into a trauma room and order a bunch of tests, but they can't find the bullet wound right away. Eventually, it becomes clear that he cut his hand and the blood got on his uniform, and then he fainted. Dr. Dave busts in all testosteroned-up and wanting to help, and Hawkeye tells him to suture the guy's hand; Scoopette stands there with her Dictaphone, looking puzzled.
At the desk, Kerry wants every piece of equipment checked. Mark reports that, aside from the guard, nobody got hurt. Enter the paramedics with a guy -- specifically, the guy that played Felicity's father on Felicity and Ellyn's husband on thirtysomething -- who broke his nose in a car accident; he asks what's happening with his wife and child. Behind him, the paramedics wheel in David, Broken-Nose Guy's son, and Finch asks him if he knows what happened, and to him BNG bitches about a truck that ran the red and crashed into them, and then he bitches at Mark for checking his face for fractures. Meanwhile, BNG's wife asks Finch whether they have to stay if David's okay, and Finch asks what she means; apparently, BNG's wife called the family doctor, and the doctor wanted them to go to Ambrose, but the driver brought them to County instead because it was closest. "Are they allowed to do that, the paramedics? Can they go against a patient's wishes?" Scoopette asks from beside BNG's wife. Finch rolls her eyes, ignoring Scoopette and ordering the requisite tests, and tells BNG's wife that, until she's done the tests, "there's no question of David going anywhere."
Corday comes over to Brassy by the elevator. Brassy, practically hyperventilating, thinks "this has all been too fast for me, so -- I, I want to go home, and think about it." Corday suggests taking a walk.
Jeanie and Reggie walking out. Haleh and Chuny give her a big colorful bouquet, and they make to leave, but Kerry stops them, saying she needs to see Jeanie, and Reggie too. Jeanie protests that her shift has ended and they have to make a plane, and Kerry says she knows that but drags them into the locker room anyway. They find the social worker, Adele, standing there with the cute baby. Jeanie says, "Carlos -- what's going on?" and Kerry says, "Ask Adele. She really put herself on the line for this." Adele tells Jeanie, "We're going to let you take Carlos." Jeanie looks stunned, and Reggie's brow shoots up in a not-entirely-joyful look of surprise as Jeanie says, "Really?" as Adele explains that Jeanie will have Carlos on a temporary basis, and once she gets approved as a foster parent, then they can consider "something more official, and permanent." Jeanie, nearly unable to speak, whispers, "Thank you." Reggie guesses they aren't going to New Orleans after all, and Jeanie bounces the baby and says, "We can still get married here in Chicago." Reggie allows as how they could try the courthouse, and when Jeanie asks, "When?" Reggie smiles and says, "Today." Cue The Piano Music Of Realized Hopes. Oh, and -- awwwww!
Mark condescendingly asks Hawkeye to sign up his patient on the board time. Hawkeye snorts and hands Chuny the chart, joking with the parents of his patient, "Paperwork -- you can run but you can't hide." The mother says, "She's really hurting this time," as Hawkeye checks the girl's abdomen and asks her about her symptoms; apparently, Crystal doesn't have a fever and hasn't thrown up, she's just in pain. Hawkeye asks the parents, "She's had a sickle crisis before?" They say yes, but not since the month before. Hawkeye tells Crystal they'll give her something for the pain and run some tests, and he gives the orders for said medication and tests to Chuny, who writes them down and goes out into the hall; Mark stops her, looks at the chart, and adds a couple of tests.
Luka comes into Loren's room. Paulie wants to leave "before another gang-banger starts shooting up the place," but Luka says he needs to talk to Paulie first about "some forms to fill out." He escorts Paulie into the neighboring exam room; Paulie asks, "Something wrong?" and Luka says gravely, "I have to inform you, Mr. Johnson, that I believe you are mentally ill." Paulie snaps, "What?" Luka goes on, "And that because of your illness, you can reasonably be --" but Paulie interrupts, "You're the one who's ill, pal," and he makes to leave. Alas, the security guards visible over Luka's shoulder in the last shot step forward to apprehend Paulie, who turns back around and yells, "What the hell do you think -- okay, okay, I get it, I'm in a nuthouse, huh?" Luka glares at Paulie balefully as the guards make him lie down on a gurney; then he takes up where he left off: "And that because of your illness, you can reasonably be expected to inflict serious physical harm on yourself, or on others." The guards strap Paulie down. Luka finishes, "Therefore, you are subject to involuntary admission and are in need of immediate hospitalization." Paulie, who seems strangely resigned to this turn of affairs, stares at the ceiling and says softly, "Wait till my lawyer gets ahold of you." More baleful glaring from Luka.
Luka walks out. Lucy scampers out of the adjoining room and snaps at his heels: "Dr. Kovac, you have no criteria to hold him." Luka says that Loren's X-rays are his criteria. Lucy predicts that Paulie will get up to Psych, Psych will send him right back down, and he'll just go home, and Luka says he doesn't care about Paulie, he cares about Loren -- "this way she has a chance." Lucy looks frustrated. Um, Lucy? You work in an allegedly sterile environment, so once again I must ask you to put. Your hair. UP. Thank you. Anyway, Luka stomps off in one direction and Lucy stomps off in the other, probably to bitch out the writers for reheating an old Doug Ross plot and forcing us to eat it. Oh, well -- at least they don't expect us to buy Luka as the show's moral center simply by virtue of his Croatian background. Except that they do.
Brassy and Corday walking outdoors. A distressed Brassy gasps, "I can't really -- run away -- can I?" Corday says, "You can delay, but not for long. Elaine, if you're worried about reconstruction, I can make an appointment with a plastic surgeon --" Brassy interrupts, "What will happen to it -- after you cut it off?" and Corday rather unsupportively tells her, "Now you're being morbid." Brassy asks, "Why? It's a part of me," and I hate to admit it, but if I had to face the prospect of a radical mastectomy, I'd probably obsess over my poor, lonely, diseased breast getting dumped into the incinerator like just so much garbage myself. Corday tells her that the breast will go to Pathology, "and then it'll be gotten rid of." "Just thrown in the trash?" asks Brassy, going on, "It's medical waste, and I'll have a blob of gel instead." She cries a little and touches her breast and then asks, "What will it feel like -- when I touch it? When somebody else touches it?" Corday tells her firmly that "lots of women have this type of surgery," and putting myself in Brassy's shoes again, I have to say that I wouldn't find Corday's statement particularly supportive or helpful. Brassy protests that "I can't imagine feeling anything, and if I can't, how will anybody else? I mean, how can I ever be with anybody again?" Corday condescendingly tells her that she can't "let this define" her, and Elaine weeps, "It's hard not to. I was happy with who I was," and she covers her face. Corday says, "That's exactly who you'll still be." Um, Elizabeth? Enough already with the platitudes, okay, because at the end of the day, you'll still have both your breasts, and Elaine won't, so leave the buck-up-little-camper routine to Dawson Leery. Anyway, Elaine composes herself and says she'd better come back in: "I may be vain, but I'm not stupid. Just -- can you do something for me?" "Of course," Corday says. "When you cut," Elaine whispers, "cut everything. Don't leave anything -- you cut it all." Corday looks at her pityingly.
Hawkeye tries to cheer Crystal up by telling her that sickle-cell sufferers don't get malaria, thus ingratiating himself folksily with Crystal and her parents. He prepares to release her, and Mark eyes the chart and asks Chuny if the labs he ordered over Hawkeye's head have come back yet. She says no; he tells her to let him know if they do.
Dr. Carl De "You're So" Raad introduces himself to Luka by saying, "Your psychiatric hold? Way out of line, my friend." Lucy tries not to let her face say "I told you so" but fails. Luka asks why, and De Raad says that, in order to justify certification, the patient has to present a danger to himself or others. "He is a danger to others, come on! Just look at his wife," Luka protests, and Lucy says quickly, "She says she fell off a ladder." Luka snorts, and De Raad says, "Until she says different, nothing we can do. I'm sorry." Luka asks De Raad if he's talked to Paulie, and De Raad says he's seen Paulie and he knows why Luka had him committed, but he won't even take Paulie upstairs for an evaluation. Luka rubs his forehead stagily and asks De Raad to talk to Paulie before releasing him. De Raad asks, "What's the point?" and Luka says, "Please, you and me -- let, let's talk to him." Luka and De Raad go into the room, and Paulie says, "Look, it's the crazy foreigner! They should put these [restraints] on you, you know?" Luka baits him about hitting his wife, and De Raad tells Paulie to settle down, and Paulie tells them to ask Loren whether he ever hit her, and Loren says he never has. Lucy asks if Loren wants them to release Paulie, and Loren, knowing she'll get it worse at home the longer they keep her husband, says urgently, "Please." De Raad mutters, "Okay, let him go." Luka keeps needling Paulie as the attendants release him from the restraints, and Lucy asks, "What are you doing?" and De Raad tells him to "leave it, Kovac," and Luka implies that Paulie kicked and stomped on Loren, adding sarcastically, "Wow, what a man," and Loren knows this won't help her once they leave, so she snarls at Luka, "Shut up!" Luka makes one last provocative comment. Paulie punches him in the face and starts screaming that he'll kill Luka, and Luka gets up and says, "See? 'Danger to others,'" and De Raad yells at Luka, "Get outta here!" as the attendants hold Paulie back from attacking Luka.
Chuny hands Mark the test results on Crystal, the sickle-cell girl. Mark looks them over and asks if she and her family have left yet, and Chuny says they walked out a couple of minutes before. Mark yells, "Lawrence, we've got a problem here!" Hawkeye runs to follow Mark out through the ambulance bay, and Mark catches the Powells and tells them they need to come back in; Crystal needs another test. Mr. Powell says that they just left and that Crystal feels much better, and Hawkeye wants to know what's going on; Mark tells Hawkeye meaningfully, "The icon was positive." Hawkeye stares at him, then nods and says, "She has to come right back in." Crystal makes a "whatever" face.
Finch walks in on the Broken-Nose Family and their doctor, Sam Jacobs. Dr. Jacobs thanks Finch patronizingly for "looking after one of my favorite families so well." Finch doesn't like the look of the situation and says curtly, "We haven't quite finished the tests." Jacobs says he and the Broken-Nose Couple want David transferred to Ambrose, but before he can finish the thought, Finch steers him away from the bed and says, "I'm not happy about moving him." Jacobs says, "I've looked at his C-spine, it's clear. I've got an ambulance waiting." Finch says David complained of back pain at the scene and she wants to see what the second crit says; Jacobs says firmly that she can fax the results to him at Ambrose. Finch, not budging: "It'll be half an hour, that's all." Jacobs, also not budging: "In half an hour, Dr. Finch, he'll be under observation at Ambrose and not taking up precious space here." Broken-Nose Family peers over curiously, and Broken-Nose Guy asks, "Are we ready to roll, Sam?" Jacobs asks, "Are we, Dr. Finch?" Dr. Finch glares flatly at Dr. Jacobs and doesn't say anything.
The Powells' room. Mark gives Crystal a sonogram, pointing out the ovary, which Hawkeye says "looks pretty normal." Mrs. Powell wants to know, "What are you looking for?" and then Mark spots it: "There. A mass in the Fallopian tube. Fetal poll and a heartbeat." Mr. Powell, incredulous: "What'd he say?" Hawkeye: "There's a heartbeat." Mr. Powell: "What are you talking about?" Mark: "There's a heartbeat." Yes, I do believe we have established to everyone's satisfaction that there's a heartbeat, thanks. Now get to the bloody point. Mark adds, "Your daughter's pregnant." Mrs. Powell breathes, "No," as Mr. Powell protests, "She's twelve years old!" Crystal looks guilty, and Mrs. Powell says there must have been a mistake, and Mark says grimly that there hasn't been any mistake, Crystal's pregnant, but the fetus is in the Fallopian tube instead of the uterus. Mrs. Powell wants a second opinion, but Hawkeye reassures her, "I'm the second opinion. We're lucky we caught this early enough." Mark tells them Crystal needs surgery right away and he'll call the OR. Hawkeye pats Mr. Powell's arm. Then they both leave. We do not see the Powells opening a fresh can of whup-ass on Crystal. Instead, we see Hawkeye asking Mark, "Were you checking up on me?" Naturally, Mark refuses to take responsibility for his own puerile territoriality, cloaking it instead in noble false modesty: "Just, uh, watching out for the patients." Hawkeye puts the chart away while making a "give me a break" face.
In the hall, David asks Finch if Ambrose will have video games, and Finch gets in a dig at Ambrose by describing it as "just like a hotel, really," and asks David, "What's your favorite game, then?" David doesn't respond; he's passed out. They stop the gurney. Broken-Nose Guy wants to know why they've stopped. Um, way to pay attention to your own critically injured kid, BNG. As Finch and Jacobs work David over, Finch orders David wheeled back into a trauma room, and BNG whines, "No, I don't want him staying here." Jacobs snaps, "He has to." Carter appears and offers to help out, and then Benton also appears and wonders aloud why David was being transferred, and they wheel him away. Benton calls out, "We're gonna have to crack him," and Finch sort of rolls her eyes and tries to keep the Broken-Nose Couple from following them into the trauma room. Yeah, yeah, yeah, down-to-earth county hospital good, tony private hospital bad. We. Get. It.
Courthouse. Jeanie, Reggie, Randi, and a justice of the peace wait for Kerry to show up. Jeanie asks the justice, who has just crankily reminded her when "the place" closes, if they really need two witnesses, and the justice says yes, they do. Just then, a schlumpy UPS guy enters the building. Everyone exchanges an "oh, how wacky" look. Well, except me and The Pasha, who exchange a "didn't they do this when Lydia got married in the ER?" look.
Trauma room. Benton and Carter work over David; Finch watches from outside. Carter admits that he's "never done one of these before," though I'm not clear on what "one of these" refers to, and he asks Benton to talk him through it. As Benton prepares to do so, Scoopette stumbles into a suture tray, and Benton orders Conni to "get that woman out of here!" Finally. Conni shoulders Scoopette aside, but Scoopette doesn't leave, and as Mark comes in and asks if Benton needs any help, Benton asks Mark to get rid of Scoopette, and Mark summarily shoves Scoopette and her Dictaphone out into the hall. Scoopette makes officious don't-touch-me arm gestures. Scoopette, go write about a pet show or something. Benton instructs Carter. Mark looks over their shoulders. Success. Mark compliments Carter. Finch sighs and leaves her post by the door.
With the UPS man holding the bouquet and Carlos having a hissy, Jeanie and Reggie get married. Jeanie is amused. Reggie is, well, somewhat less amused. They shout their vows over the fussing of the baby. Aw.
As they walk down the hall, Corday explains to Scoopette, "No, it's not unusual -- it's a teaching hospital, and residents are here to learn." "So they're allowed to practice on patients," Scoopette says scornfully. Corday asks with a big, fake smile, "How else do they learn?" and Scoopette pointedly wonders aloud, "A bit tough on whoever [sic] they're learning on, isn't it?" Corday says patiently, "Residents are carefully supervised," but Scoopette observes loftily, "What I saw wasn't carefully supervised." Corday has had enough; she says she thinks Scoopette has seen plenty, and she shakes Scoopette's hand and says she looks forward to reading her article and bundles her onto the elevator. What point did Scoopette's snippy-ass presence serve, exactly? Corday doesn't have time to think about that, because she has to dash after Mark as he passes by and make a great show of saying, "Whew, thank God I got rid of her." Mark grumbles, "Yeah, you'd better be careful she doesn't turn up somewhere else, disguised as a surgeon." Huh? "Did she get in the way in trauma?" Corday asks, and Mark matter-of-factly says, "Yep." Corday points out that she didn't ask to serve as Scoopette's tour guide, and Mark points out that she didn't say no, either. He bustles off. Corday sulks. What. Ever.
Luka and Carol duel with syringes for the Patron Saint Of ER title. Okay, they don't really. Carol says she heard about Luka's "psych hold," and Luka jokes that he's really popular with the Psych department. Carol says they took Paulie upstairs for assessment, and maybe they'll hold him, but Luka doesn't think so, because he provoked Paulie in front of witnesses. Carol shrugs, "Well, maybe now she'll see what he's really like, you know?" Luka gestures with his water bottle and says disgustedly, "You don't think she knows? Carol, it's hopeless." Carol says, "Maybe not -- she didn't go upstairs with him. Lucy took her to the cafeteria." Luka: "Fingers crossed." Carol: "Yeah." Sars: "[Yawn.]"
Finch comes out and announces to the Broken-Nose Couple and Dr. Jacobs that they got David stabilized and sent him into surgery. She adds that he'll probably be okay, and they can go see him if they want to. The Broken-Noses thank Finch and shake hand all intensely; a nurse takes them upstairs, and Dr. Jacobs holds out his hand to shake Finch's also, but she walks away. He calls after her, "Dr. Finch -- you did well to catch that." She turns on him: "If we'd waited for the tests, we would have seen this; we could have operated in a controlled manner rather than having to rip an eight-year-old's chest open." Dr. Jacobs blows this off with, "We had no choice," but Finch argues, "I did. I shouldn't have let myself listen to you." She glares at him and walks away again.
Corday checks on a post-op Brassy. Brassy comes to, and Corday asks her how she's feeling; Brassy murmurs sleepily, "I'm good," and Corday tells her, "It went well. There was no evidence the cancer had spread, but we will have to wait for the pathology reports on the lymph nodes." Brassy blinks and looks relieved as Corday continues in this weird little-girl voice, "I got a plastic surgeon in to close so we could minimize scarring, and of course within the couple of weeks we can begin reconstruction." Brassy asks when she can go home, and Corday says they had to put in drains to collect any extra fluids; Brassy says weakly, "Like I'm a sewer system." Um, okay -- time to cut Brassy's dosage of Demerol, methinks. Anyway, Corday says that Brassy can probably go home tomorrow, and she says tenderly that she's given the nurse all of her numbers, so if Brassy needs anything or has any questions, she should call, any time. Brassy thanks her. I suppose the writers intended this scene to remind us that, in spite of her administrative problems, Corday Really Cares, but I still think she's a weak-willed wimp.
Downstairs, Kerry tells Luka, without looking at him, that now that they have Dr. Lawrence on staff, "I don't believe that we're gonna be needing you anymore, okay?" Luka says, in a "whatever" tone, "Okay." Carol comes in behind the desk and asks Luka if he's on that night, and he says in a strangled voice, "No, I'm not," and he looks past Carol; she follows his gaze to see Loren walking out with Paulie. Paulie has his arm around Loren's shoulders, and he shoots Luka a triumphant look while holding the door open for her. Carol looks over at Luka. Luka hangs his head and walks off.
The paramedics bust in with a seventeen-year-old on the gurney. Dr. Dave, Mark, and Hawkeye all gather to deal with the kid's gunshot wounds. Dr. Dave handles the central line, and Mark and Hawkeye have to put in one chest tube each, but Conni only has one chest tray; Mark orders her to get another one, but Hawkeye says, "We'll share." Of course, Mark frowns, but of course, he says nothing. The doctors work on the kid. Hawkeye's core values badge flops into one of the wounds, and he snarls, "Get this damn thing out of my way!" and one of the nurses moves it for him. The kid isn't improving, and Dr. Dave reports that a lot of the blood loss is coming from Mark's "side" of the kid. Mark wants to find Benton, but Conni says he's off. Mark snaps at her to get a surgeon down there right away, and she goes to the phone while Hawkeye comes around to Mark's side of the table to help him. Hawkeye calls for the Foley. Mark asks what he's doing. Dr. Dave and Haleh look worried, but Hawkeye whips yet another technique out of his Bag Of Folksily Endearing Medical Tricks to put pressure on the bleeder from the inside instead of from the outside. Surprise, surprise -- it works. Hawkeye calls this one "an old Army trick for tamponading the subclavian." "Army trick"? Oh, fine -- heh. Dr. Dave calls it "cool," and Mark admits that it's "very cool."
Carter. The hint. Never the twain shall meet, it seems, because he's gone up to look in on Brassy, despite her telling him in so many words to get bent. Carter asks a nurse, "How is she?" The nurse says Brassy is resting comfortably and tells him, "You can go in if you like." Brassy's eyes flicker open; she seems to see Carter, and she closes her eyes again, looking very tired. Carter leaves the ward.
Luka walks down the street. A car honks at him -- it's Carol, driving a gigantic gas-guzzling Cadillac. "Want a lift?" she asks. "In that?" Luka asks. Carol rolls her eyes: "It's my mom's. I had to pick up some stuff from work." Luka peers in at the car seat sitting on the passenger side and asks, "What, baby stuff?" Carol says, "Yeah," and Luka says hesitantly, "Okay," and he walks around the front to get in. For god's sake, just get them together already. It's not like we can't see it coming all the way from Chicago.
Toy store. Carlos sucking on his hand. Jeanie beaming. Reggie losing interest in the diaper display, scampering over to the baseball gloves, and suggesting that they "get him one of these"; Jeanie pointing out, "He's nine months old." Reggie taking a wind-up and saying that "it's never too early to start." Jeanie laughing. Reggie making siren noises with a toy police car. Jeanie asking the baby, "What do you think, Carlos? Do you think your daddy's silly?" Reggie funking out, "Pull over! Pull over!" Carlos looking, as usual, cuter than a button. Sars sighing "awwww" for the umpteenth time this episode.
Mark chases after Elizabeth at the El and apologizes "for being abrupt." "You mean 'rude,'" she corrects him, and he says, "Yes," and she says she'll think about it. Then Mark tells her she could apologize too, "for that crap about the head CT." Elizabeth pushes him in front of an incoming train. Woo hoo! Well, no, she doesn't, but she does splutter, "What? No way on earth am I going to apologize for that -- you put me on the spot!" Right on. Mark says, "Yeah, but I expected you to give the right answer." Um, Mark? Take that stupid, fugly-ass, Members-Only-clearance-rack, even-David-Hasselhoff-wouldn't-get-caught-dead-in-it short-sleeved jacket off and tie it over your mouth for the remainder of the season. Thank you. Anyhow. Corday remarks, "That Lawrence is still bugging you, isn't he?" and talks right over Mark's passive-aggressive objections with, "Just because he can diagnose something without having to order every test in the book?" Mark says that Hawkeye "might have some fancy moves in trauma" but he doesn't know how to function in an inner-city ER. I seem to remember your ass getting schooled by Hawkeye more than once today, Mark, so it seems like he can, and does, function in an inner-city ER pretty well -- better than you, in fact. Corday calls him on it: "You're afraid you might learn something." Mark bitches that Hawkeye is too slow -- he spends hours with each patient and then "ties up the residents chattering about the Radovici sign." "The what?" Corday asks, stepping onto the train. "You don't know about that?" Mark asks. "What is it?" she asks. Mark says flirtatiously, "I don't think I should tell you." Corday says, "Mark!" and grabs him by the lapels of his jacket -- have I mentioned the fuglyness of this item of apparel? Because it came straight from the pages of International Dweeb, no kidding -- and pulls him onto the train with her with a Giggle Of Giddy Foreplay. Icky-pants!
Reese in his highchair. Benton tries to feed him; Reese doesn't want to eat anymore. Benton asks his sister if Reese looks like him. Jackie grumbles, "I hope not. He's got enough problems." Hee! Then Benton asks if he had a lot of ear infections as a kid, and Jackie says she doesn't know: "I was your sister, not your mother." Benton shoots her a mock glare as she adds, "You were a scrawny little thing, though, always coming down with something or other. No wonder you got into medicine." I have difficulty imagining Benton as "scrawny," but Benton seems satisfied by this answer. Jackie offers to put Reese to bed and nags Benton to clean up and dry the dishes. Benton picks Reese up and makes the "I love you" sign to him and hands him to Jackie, and he cleans up Reese's dishes and broods over the ear-infection thing some more.
Cut to a marina of some sort. Carol: "You live here?" Luka: "I told you it's on the water." Carol: "Yeah, but, I mean -- is it sanitary?" Luka: "Sure." Carol: "What do you do in winter?" Luka: "In winter I go south." Carol: "Like the birds." Sars: "Like the writing on this show." Luka: "Thank you for the lift." Carol: "Sure. See ya." Luka watches her waddle back to her car and says, "Sure," and he watches her lower herself into the driver's seat and lug her feet in behind her. Memo to the director: You might find the word "cut" useful on occasion. Just a suggestion.
Oh, man. Cut to, basically, Mark's nipple. Pan up to Mark and Elizabeth lying in bed. Together. Naked. ["Cut to Wing Chun, whimpering." -- Wing Chun] Mark explains the Radovici sign by fondling Elizabeth in the appropriate places, and adds that it indicates "increased intracranial pressure -- disturbances in the brain, which explains why you're working with Romano." Elizabeth, for reasons I couldn't begin to fathom, finds this genuinely hilarious, and she titters and hikes her tongue down Mark's throat, and they smooch with the lip mics turned all the way up. I think the show ended here, but I had to chase my EYEBALL across my APARTMENT after the sight of Mark and Elizabeth canoodling caused it to fall RIGHT THE HELL OUT OF MY HEAD, so if something else happened, I missed it.