TNG : "The Game"

Picard logs something about their mission, which isn't at all important to this episode, so I'm just going to move on. Riker, recently back from his sexcapades on Risa, gains the Bridge and gabs with the captain about their mission. Picard tells him that they are going to rendezvous with a shuttle carrying Wesley, who is on holiday from the Academy.

In engineering, the embryonic Ashley Judd plays with some panels. Riker walks in and briefs Geordi on their mission, checking up on all their technobabble. Geordi reintroduces Ashley Judd to Riker as "Ensign Robin Lefler," and talks about how great her work has been of late. Lefler, the newly minted Current Mission Specialist for Engineering, briefs Riker on more mission technobabble. Riker is pleased with the technobabble and grins at Lefler, saying, "Keep it up, Lefler." Down, boy -- she's a child. And, might I add, way out of your league. Lefler walks away. Riker tells Geordi he brought something back from Risa and wants to show it to him. Should we read anything into the fact that the first person Riker wants to play the sex game with is Geordi? No? Okay then. Geordi puts him off, saying he's got a ton of technobabble on his plate, and asks, "Can it wait?" Riker grins, "Of course it can!"

Ten Forward. Riker slowly approaches Troi, who is sitting alone at a table with a big dish of something. He circles behind Troi's back and watches her. Troi, finally taking her nose out of her dish long enough to be aware of Riker's mouth-breather scrutiny, pauses with a spoon halfway to her mouth, and waits. Riker bends over and announces, "Chocolate ice cream, chocolate fudge, and chocolate chips -- you're not depressed, are you?" Troi and I roll our eyes. "I'm fine, Commander," Troi responds. Riker asks if she would like him to leave "the two of [them] alone." Yes, please -- in fact, there's an airlock waiting for your tender mercies. Troi laughs and asks him to join her at the table. She offers him a bite but he declines, admitting, "I don't like fudge." You know, me neither. Hot caramel, hot butterscotch, hot marshmallow topping, yes. Hot fudge? Just not a fan. However, I do love actual fudge in its drier, cakier form. You know -- the kind you buy on a seaside vacation? Mackinac Island maple walnut fudge is the living end. Troi is eating her chocolate out of a bowl within a bowl. I think the idea is that the actual ice cream bowl is being kept cold by being nestled in a larger bowl of ice. It's reminiscent of those cone and bowl doohickeys that were originally intended to chill and serve caviar but have since been perverted into trendy cocktail glasses. How much do you want to bet they'll appear on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart? Troi takes another careful slurp and says she never met a chocolate she didn't like. That's because she hasn't encountered Sandra Lee's "mole" sauce. Or her canned frosting "truffles." Or her "white chocolate orange salad dressing." I could go on and on, but then I'd throw up.

As Troi pauses to contemplate her mess of chocolate, Riker wonders, "Doesn't it taste good?" Troi then launches into her whole ritual of eating chocolate. "First of all," she begins, waving her spoon around, "you have to spoon the fudge around the rim, leaving only the ice cream in the middle." She demonstrates. "Then," she continues, staring deep into her bowl, "you gently spoon the ice cream around the sides -- like you're sculpting it." She demonstrates this as well and we get a close-up shot of her bowl, showing us that she has both dark and white chocolate chips in there. I really don't like white "chocolate" -- I think it tastes as plastic and fake as it is. Sorry, back to Troi and her bowl of sex substitute. She now looks Riker in the eye and tells him, "Relish every bite -- make every one an event." I think they've got the mikes around her mouth turned way up because we can actually hear her saliva clicking with every word. "And then," she goes on, "with the last spoonful, close your eyes." She closes her eyes and takes what cannot possibly be her last spoonful, considering how much was just in that bowl she was just sculpting with Demi Moore and nakedness. She opens her eyes and stretches her closed mouth in a wide, disgustingly simpering smile. "I had no idea it was such a ritual," Riker comments. "Chocolate is a serious thing," Troi informs him. Riker leans in and says he brought something back from Risa, "Better than chocolate." Is it your love by Sarah McLachlan? Troi's intrigued and asks what it is. "Just a game," Riker crinkles. Troi smiles another wide, fatuous smile.

Wesley beams in. He hasn't said a word and already I want him to shut up. "Chief O'Brien!" he exclaims, stepping off the transporter pad. They exchange pleasantries, and Wesley asks where his masturbating mother is. Sorry -- that was uncalled for. O'Brien tells him that the senior staff is in a meeting and Wesley is supposed toddle off to his mother's quarters and wait like a good little boy genius. Wesley is clearly put out by this news, and asks if Chief thinks it would be okay if he poked his head into the meeting to say hello. Chief acts like this is a big imposition as he comms the Bridge. Worf responds, and Chief relays Wesley's request. "I suppose that is acceptable," Worf barks back. Hee. Wesley thanks O'Brien and continues to look abashed as he leaves the transporter room.

Wesley and his strudy tube suitcase arrive in a dark room. He doesn't say anything -- which I find odd -- but steps into the room. The door slides shut, making it even darker. Not even commanding the computer for lights, Wesley just peers into the darkness. Mary Sue be damned, I don't think Wesley is all that bright. The lights pop on and Beverly "I'll Leave a Lamp on for Me" Crusher runs toward her son with a "Surprise!" The greeting is echoed by the rest of the senior staff as Wesley gasps, "Mom! Hi, Mom!" in squeaky tones. Picard walks over, shakes Wesley's hand, and speaks to him in Craptin. Well, given that this is Star Trek, it's probably real Latin, but I've always been jealous of Demian's invention and I care more about citing that than I do translating the back-and-forth. Wesley responds, and Picard is dutifully impressed as Mother Crusher -- hey, that could be a new epithet! "Big Bad Mother Crusher!" -- squeals over her son's impressiveness. Troi darts over to exclaim how handsome Wesley is looking. "You really do that cadet uniform justice, Wesley," his mother agrees, which, ew. Geordi now joins in the Wesley Worshipping as he bets that Wesley is driving all the girls wild. Something Geordi has never been able to do unless they are a holodeck program. "Wesley!" Worf barks from across the room. Everyone stops talking and turns to look at him. "Tarvokian pound cake!" Worf announces, holding up a big brown loaf of something. "I made it myself!" Wesley thanks him as he strides over to receive the brown loaf. Worf quickly swivels his head to look at Riker, who is looking down and laughing. I love how Worf basically cuts through all the niceties of everyone else's greetings -- he's clearly proud of his pound cake and thinks it's the most important thing in the room. Data -- in his Big Bird mode -- asks, "Was our attempt to make you uncomfortable effective?" Wesley responds, "You bet it was -- for a second I thought I was on the wrong ship!" Because everyone wasn't fawning all over his arrival, he thought he was on the wrong ship. Shut up, Wesley. Everyone laughs. Data does his forced approximation of a mirthless laugh, which never fails to crack me up, and wonders, "Did you find our deception pleasing?" Ah, this is the Very Special Data Episode where Data learns the concept of surprise parties. Wesley assures Data that it's fun to be surprised. Data puzzles over this as Riker asks if Wesley is home to work or to play. Wesley agrees to help with the Unimportant To This Episode Mission. As everyone else starts to gather around the table, Mother Crusher asks Troi, "So what kind of game is this?" It's a sex game. You'll love it. Troi tells her to come by her quarters later.

In Engineering, Wesley and Geordi technobabble. Wesley sets to work and about two seconds of comm finger-tapping go by before he whines, "Why aren't these registering?!" Lefler happens by and tells him to do it manually. Doing it manually should come easy to him. One would think. Wesley insists that it can't be done. Lefler shows him how. Because she's a smart girl. But she's not smart enough to elope with The Traveler, so there! I don't even know who I'm talking to. "There," Lefler says, finishing up, "Law 17: When all else fails do it yourself." Oh, The Laws! I forgot about those stupid things! Wesley's thing works and he's happy and he thanks her. Lefler grins and walks off. "Oh, by the way," Wesley says, hastily getting to his feet, "I'm Wesley Crusher." They shake hands. "I know," Lefler says, "just back from the Academy." She introduces herself. They continue to grin idiotically at each other and shake hands until there's a beeping from Wesley's console. Lefler looks over Wesley's shoulder: "Your neutrinos are drifting." Bet that's not the only thing that's drifting! "My what?" Wesley ejaculates before darting back to his computer and tapping at it. When he turns back, Lefler has made a saucy exit. He grins and gets back to work. Lefler looks over her shoulder at him, which, incidentally, takes the sauce out of her exit.

Bridge. Data tells Geordi that the scientists on the Unimportant To This Episode Mission are arguing over equipment. Geordi, frustrated, says, "Well, tell them to flip a coin -- we've got to work together on this mission otherwise we're never going to get it done!" "A coin," Data muses, "very good. I will replicate one immediately." Ah, not only is this a Very Special Data Episode where Data learns the concept of surprise parties, but it's also one where he makes funnies about idiomatic phrases. Just as Geordi looks up at Data to explain, Mother Crusher calls Data to Sickbay.

Sickbay. Mother Crusher sets Data on a pointless task and then reaches behind his back and turns him off. Data freezes, drops the tricorder he was reprogramming, and falls face first onto a console. Mother Crusher brings Troi and Riker into the room. Riker drops Data on a medi-bed and tells the computer to secure Sickbay. Mother Crusher flips open that trapdoor to Data's brains and starts working on him with a laser pointer. My cats go crazy for those things. If we even move in the general vicinity where the laser pointer is kept, they start to dance around and squawk at us.

While having tea with Picard, Wesley lists all his Academy instructors, some of whom the captain remembers. Aw, Picard's got the full silver tea service out -- I wanna have tea with the captain!

Wesley also reveals that he took Picard's advice and met Boothby the first week he was there. Picard asks how the stereotypical cantankerous old groundskeeper is doing, and says he hopes Boothby didn't tell Wesley a bunch of stories about Picard. "He didn't remember you, sir," Wesley says, his eyes wide with innocence. Picard's face falls. "At first," Wesley adds, smiling. Punk. Wesley showed Boothby a yearbook picture; Boothby remembered him right away and said he's proud Picard is captain of the Enterprise. After sharing Boothby experiences with one another, Wesley asks Picard who "A.F." is. Picard doesn't know what he's talking about. "Boothby said he caught you carving those initials into his prized elm tree," Wesley suggests. Picard gets a hunted look on his face as he remembers, "A.F.! Oh, just an acquaintance of mine." Wesley stares steadily at him, and Picard chuckles. "Wesley," he says, "if you meet someone whose initials you might want to carve into that elm tree, don't let it interfere with your studies. I failed organic chemistry because of A.F." How about don't carve your initials into the elm tree because it's mean and the tree will die? Wesley grins toothily at Picard. Just then, Mother Crusher comms Picard that she has a medical emergency. Picard bustles off to Sickbay.

Sickbay. Mother Crusher tells Picard a whole flock of lies about Data's condition. Geordi scans Data and comments, "It's like he's in a coma." Riker suggests they check Data's files to see if he made any notes about his recent self-diagnostic. Picard agrees with everything and tells them to keep him informed.

Geordi's check of Data's logs and Riker's security sweep have turned up nothing. "Maybe you should ask his cat," Riker suggests. Maybe you should shut up, sex maniac. Geordi acts stressed, so Riker tells him to take a break in Ten Forward: "I've got just the thing." Yup -- a big plate of steaming Corned Beef Slash. Open wide, Geordi!

Engineering. Wesley and Lefler Geek Flirt by analyzing stuff and then teasing each other about said analysis. "You have a funny way of looking at conduit configuration," Wesley says, "but it works." "That's Law 36: You gotta go with what works," Lefler recites. Wesley asks what the heck all these laws are she keeps referring to in an annoying way. "There my personal laws -- every time I learn something essential, I make up a law about it so I never forget," Lefler explains. Wesley asks how many she has. "One hundred and two -- so far," Lefler responds. Dork. More technobabble. Wesley says he's way ahead of her on something that needs doing in Engineering. Dork. "They said you were good," Lefler shrugs delicately. Wesley sits back and gives her a lazy look: "Why do I get the feeling that you already know me?" Lefler says she has some friends at the Academy and his name has come up a few times, "That's really some stunt you pulled on Adam Martoni in the physics lab -- I just want to know how you got the anti-matter regulator to spray chili sauce." See, they're trying to get us to believe that Wesley is some sort of rambunctious jackanapes at the Academy. See, it's not going to work. Wesley rolls his eyes over that one, professing that there is another side to the story. "Is it true what they say about your birthmark?" Lefler continues. What -- that it's shaped like a Mandelbrot set? No, it's not true. It's actually shaped like a Julia set. "This isn't fair -- I hardly know anything about you," Wesley whines. "Hey, that's Law 46: Life isn't --" "Always fair," Wesley says in unison, "yeah, I know that law." It took her forty-five laws to realize that one? Keckler's Law 53: Shut up, Lefler. Keckler's Law 57: Shut up, Wesley. And in case you're wondering, Keckler's Law 54, 55, and 56 are also "Shut up, Wesley." Wesley says he's gotta get back to work, "But I'd like a chance to even the score. Ten Forward, nineteen hundred hours. Will you join me for coffee?" "No," Lefler says promptly, "but I'll meet you for dinner." Wesley grins at her pushy presumptiveness.

Picard logs more about the Unimportant To This Episode Mission. He notes that Data's condition is unchanged and they still don't know what's ailing the poor chappie.