The Forge

We're on Vulcan, and it's seventeen years ago. Deep in some caverns (CAVE SET!), Ind'iana Jones ferrets around in the dust while holding a lightsaber for light. He picks up a small stone bust and dusts it off with one of those special archaeology makeup brushes. "Surak," he breathes. All he needs is a bag of sand of the same weight and Alfred Molina drooling in the background.

Warren bastard! You killed my song!

Admiral Forrest makes an entry in his Diary of Evil, saying that he's on Vulcan to see if the Vulcans want to start taking road trips with Starfleet. Apparently, Vulcan promises to pull over at Wall Drug as long as Starfleet stays on its side of the car. They're still discussing what songs will be allowed, however, and that's really been the stumbling block in these negotiations. Starfleet wants campfire oldies, but Vulcan is insisting on Broadway show tunes. Oh, and Forrest's first name is "Maxwell," and if that isn't proof that he's evil then I don't know what is. As the Evil Admiral Forrest (no relation to my husband) tries to pump Soval for information, he learns that Soval has been kept in the dark about the negotiations as well. Soval decides to tell Forrest exactly what Vulcans think of humans: "You have the arrogance of Andorians, the stubborn pride of Tellarites -- one moment you're as driven by your emotions as Klingons and the you confound us by suddenly embracing logic." Well, there's only one thing to do after a speech like that -- one of them has to die. They go through a security retinal scan. You know, with just a minor altering of letters, that could be "rectal scan." That's what I call tight security. The Evil Admiral Forrest realizes that Vulcans are afraid of humans. "There is one species you remind us of," Soval says. Wait, "one"? He just listed three. "Vulcans!" the Evil Admiral Forrest crows. Soval gives us a mini-back story of fifteen hundred years of wars, embracing logic, and developing warp. "You humans do the same in less than a century. There are those on the High Command who wonder what humans will achieve in the century to come and they don't like the answer." The Evil Admiral Forrest insists that they aren't like the Klingons, which...seems neither to support nor blow apart Soval's argument, and says they only want to be partners with the Vulcans. Oh, so that's how he feels about Soval. There's a distant boom, and the Evil Admiral Forrest whips around, assesses something, and then turns and tackles Soval to the ground. Yup, that's how he feels about Soval. There's an explosion that busts a big hole in the Earth embassy on Vulcan.

Enterprise. Reed, all sweaty in a gray tank top, runs somewhere. I think the idea was that we were supposed to believe he was running to tell the captain about the explosion, but it turns out he's just playing basketball with Quantum, Hoshi, Trip, May-Mickey, and Phlox. I'd wonder where T'Pol is, but I just assume that they've punctured enough basketballs on her hips to know enough not to ask her to play anymore. Hoshi sucks, by the way, and Trip stuffs her in a really aggressive play. The ball gets into Phlox's hands, who looks like he's just hanging out on the sidelines. Not so much. With barely any effort, Phlox tosses the ball sideways and makes a basket. Trip and May-Ugly are clearly Phlox's teammates as they celebrate "another" victory. Trip even grabs at Hoshi to tease her. She jerks away and says, "Time to switch sides again, Doctor." Hee -- Phlox is a ringer and the rest of them suck! Even funnier is the fact that they've all soaked through their gym clothes but Phlox, who is wearing a peculiarly thick and all-concealing track-suit thing, is not even breaking a sweat. Phlox professes himself to be quite thrilled with the game, and compares it to some animal's fertility ritual. As Quantum listens to this with furrowed and unsmiling brow, the rest of the players tease each other behind him. Hoshi can even be heard to say, "I'm good," while smacking Trip with a towel. As much as I liked that normalcy, I didn't like that it makes Quantum look all the more stiff and humorless by comparison. But that's Bakula's fault, not anyone else's. T'Pol the Puncturer steps in and requests a serious word with Quantum. "Except that we're fully clothed, which I suppose is for the best," Phlox adds awkwardly in reference to the fertility ritual. Quantum steps into the corridor and furrows through his sweat. Can I ask why Bakula has dyed his hair so dark? At first, we all thought it was dark because it was supposed to be wet with sweat, but it's very clear in the rest of the episode that he's washed that grey right out of his hair.

Quantum logs that they've arrived on Vulcan and he's lost his evil friend, Admiral Forrest. First law of soap operas: if you don't see a body, they aren't really dead. Remember Hope blowing up on the Cruise of Deception? And don't even try to tell me Enterprise isn't a soap opera. Anyway, no one on Vulcan has any leads on the bomber.

In a corridor, Quantum apologizes to T'Pol for keeping her from her family, but he needs her on the investigation. T'Pol is more than happy to stay far and away from her family. "Your mother and [pause] husband will understand?" Quantum pries. T'Pol says her mother isn't returning her calls and her [pause] husband knows that their arrangement to avoid each other remains unchanged. Quantum fiddles with the airlock to let in some Vulcan dignitaries. The sight of one of them makes T'Pol react with CRACK WHOREAGE. Apparently, it's the head of the High Command, Administrator V'Las. I'm sorry, and maybe this is because I just watched "Savage Curtain" for the first time, but I think T'Pol owes Muck'ty Muck an apology, because when she turned and her eyes beheld him, she displayed emotion. I'd think Muck'ty Muck would have noted it and been annoyed. Soval tells Quantum that all of Vulcan grieves with him. Muck'ty Muck introduces his clearly evil security director, who will be heading up the investigation. Cond'leeza tells Quantum that not only do they have a memo titled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside Vulcan," but they also have suspects.

In the Situation Room, Cond'leeza and the other Vulcans explain why they are pointing the finger at Andorians. Quantum doesn't buy that the Andorians are trying to turn the Vulcans and humans against each other. Cond'leeza's other suspects are Syrrannites, a fringe Vulcan group who follow a corrupted form of Surak's teachings. "Surak I've heard of," Quantum says, pacing. Well, yeah! Jackass. Quantum reminds us and the Vulcans -- both of whom really don't need reminding -- that Surak was the Vulcan Zen master of logic. Yes, he was the father of all they became. Even though all their past demonstrations protesting the Vulcan government have been peaceful, the Syrrannite leader -- a man called Syrran, oddly enough -- has become, in Cond'leeza's words, "a dangerous zealot." There have also been recent violent attacks against non-Vulcans that the Vulcan government pins on the Syrrannites, but there is no evidence linking this fringe group to the bombing. Soval, who sports a nicely green bruise on his face throughout this episode, says they are allowing Starfleet to head up the investigation of their own embassy. Muck'ty Muck says, "If evidence is there, Cond'leeza and I feel confident that you'll find it." Gee, do you think maybe that's because you planted it there? "I intend to," Quantum says nastily. Jackass.

Reed and May-New-Kid-on-the-Block investigate the bombed-out embassy. While Reed finds a security recording, May-Wise-Up lifts some massively heavy wreckage in order to identify a weak energy reading. What he sees gives him such a look of horror and the music such a tinge of Psycho that I fully expected there to be a rapidly decomposing body under there. It's a really nicely directed close-up of May-We-Do's face -- great angle, light, and everything. Unfortunately, since this isn't C.S.I., it's just a bunch of light sticks taped together. However, May-Leaving-Las-Vegas and Reed think it's a bomb. I guess they never went to sixth-grade roller skating parties. Reed determines that the timer might be broken, but the bomb's definitely armed. He orders May-Television-Man not to move. "The slightest vibration might set it off." Reed comms the ship and tells them to get a lock on them as they might need an emergency transport. So, instead of getting the hell out of there, Reed tells the ship to stand by and clutches his communicator between his shoulder and his ear. I should think they'd have hands-free devices by now. As May-We-Want-the-Airwaves strains and sweats and curses that foolhardy lay-up he attempted the day before, Reed scrabbles closer to the light sticks. Transporting the bomb out isn't an option because it will just explode when it detects the gravity change. "I'm going to attempt to scan it," Reed says. May-Wise-Up doesn't like the word "attempt." "If designed that bomb, I'd rig it to go off the instant a sensor beam made contact," Reed explains. May-Snowball-in-Hell glares at him. Reed tries to cheer him up by reminding him that if it does detonate, they will never know. You know that Reed isn't nearly as scared as he is fascinated by the light stick bomb. "Steady," Reed says as May-Who-Let-The-Dogs-Out shifts his weight a bit. I'm really nervous that the communicator Reed has trapped between his shoulder and his ear is going to slip out and land on the light stick bomb. I've done that enough times with phones to know it's not pretty. Apparently, it's not a good day to die, because Reed manages to complete his scan enough to find Vulcan DNA on the bomb's controls. He boosts the scan resolution, and the bomb arms. Reed bellows at Enterprise to beam them the hell out. They beam out, and the wall May-Bombs-Away was holding falls as the light sticks explode.

Sickbay. Phlox tells T'Pol, Quantum, and Cond'leeza that the Vulcan genome on the bomb belonged to some Vulcan who looks exactly like Helena Bonham Carter, the Branagh Years. "T'Pau," Phlox announces. My head -- which, after last week, was only being held together by Scotch tape and hope --explodes again. Quantum wonders who this woman is and what she does. Well, first there's the ahn woon and then there's the heart and soul and don't even get me started on the Wulcan vey. According to Cond'leeza, T'Pau is a well-known Syrrannite. Quantum's jazzed about getting a lead, but is quickly put in his place by Cond'leeza, who informs him that Vulcans will take care of this and he doesn't need help from T'Pol or Reed either. Oh yeah, he's as dead the Not Really Dead But Still Very Evil Admiral Forrest, which is to say, very.

Quantum walks into a storage bay where draped coffins lie row on row. He walks over to a particularly evil-looking one and caresses it. I'm half expecting one of them to pop open. Or at least for one of the bodies to sit up while still under its sheet. Soval comes in and tries to be nice, but Quantum is mean to him. Jackass. Soval comments that Forrest saved his life when he could have saved his own. Quantum paces, "He...always...put...the...mission...first!" Yeah, the evil mission. And we're back to talking like that again, are we? Jackass. Soval doesn't think the Syrrannites are responsible for the attack. "But we have DNA evidence!" Quantum insists, blindly following what he's fed and not having a creative bone in his body. "Recheck everything, Captain. Question everything. And don't let them keep you on Enterprise, the answers you need are on Vulcan, and however far you have to take this investigation, you have my full support." Even though Soval is totally smoking from T'Pol's CRACK PIPE, I think I sort of love him for that speech.

Speaking of CRACK WHORES, T'Pol fiddles with her candles in her room before she has a visitor. It's her [pause] Husband. Frank Lloyd Vulcan comes to touch fingers briefly -- much like we saw Sarek and Amanda do in "Journey to Babel" -- with his CRACK WHORE bride and tell her news of her mother. At one point he slightly caresses her neck with his two fingers, which makes both me and T'Pol cringe. Apparently, T'Ma hasn't been seen for weeks because she's been forced into hiding to avoid arrest. I think she hasn't been seen because she got so depressed after Trip left that she went on a drunken binge and is probably sleeping it off at Haz'ldon. Anyway, Frank Lloyd Vulcan also hands over a trinket from her mother. It's the IDIC on a pendant set with a red gemstone, which, sooner or later, is going to fall into a fire and end up melting some Nazi's hand. And -- can I get this out of the way now? -- "They're digging in the wrong place!" Whew, I feel much better. I don't know where I was going to shoehorn it and I just needed to get it in somewhere. Anyway, Frank Lloyd Vulcan reveals that T'Ma is a Syrrannite. Okay, so now that T'Ma's career is effectively totally ruined, can't T'Pol divorce Frank Lloyd Vulcan? They should at least be able to get an annulment since nothing beyond finger-touching has taken place, don't you think?

Hey, UPN? Yeah, I really despise these STUPID pre-verts you're forcing on us at commercial breaks. They ruin parts of the show, you fuckwads.

In his Ready Room, T'Pol brings Quantum up to speed on T'Ma's doings, and says that her mother sent her the IDIC locket because she wants T'Pol to come find her. T'Pol puts the locket on the table and says, "It's called an IDIC." "It looks old," is all Quantum has to say. Dude, guys who dye hair shouldn't throw stones. T'Pol presses a secret button, and a red-toned graphic projects out. "New from Google: Keyhole 2153," Mr. Gytha comments. T'Pol explains that the Map Room is a diagram of a desert called The Forge. "The route's the one Surak supposedly followed," T'Pol says. "Eighteen hundred years ago?" Quantum asks. No, yesterday. Jackass. "Syrrannites follow the same path today seeking enlightenment," T'Pol explains. "And you think your mother is somewhere along that path," Quantum asks. Yes, she's the Wife of Bath. T'Pol says that even though T'Ma told Frank Lloyd Vulcan that the IDIC locket is an heirloom, she's never seen it before. Quantum realizes that it's because T'Ma didn't want Frank Lloyd Vulcan to know about the map. Quantum thinks they can use the map to find T'Ma and T'Pau and the Ark of the Covenant.

Trip tries to talk Quantum out of his archaeological expedition by ranting about the bad conditions and the fact that scanners, weapons, and communicators won't work there because of geomagnetic instabilities. Remember that: "geomagnetic instabilities" -- no mention is made of dampeners. Quantum isn't swayed in the least and tells Trip that he and Reed are in charge of the investigation. "And whatever the Vulcans tell you, believe the opposite. Present company excepted," Quantum adds as they reach the airlock where Soval is standing with T'Pol. Soval hands over information to Trip that shows where gaps in their satellite surveillance appear. "When beam-ins can be detected," Soval explains. Trip gets the funny feeling he isn't supposed to have that information. "Have what, Commander? All I see is a Starfleet data module," Soval innocents, and averts his eyes. "Cap'n, what if somethin' goes wrong down there?" Trip asks. "It already has," Quantum broods. Oh, stop. They beam down.

...to Tatooine. Quantum, have you taken your Flintstones triox compound today? T'Pol reveals herself to be a doubter of some of Surak's purported teachings, and Quantum makes a clumsy Bible comparison that doesn't warrant recapping. Quantum is wearing the same tan desert attire we saw in "Desert Crossing", but T'Pol seems to think this is an occasion for a powder blue non-velour catsuit with matching heels and a totally illogical cape. They trudge. Night falls. Spaceships streak across the sky. "I though technology didn't work here," Quantum says. T'Pol explains that the dampening field only extends a few hundred meters above the ground; patrols can fly over it and their sensors can't detect them on the ground. Wait, what dampening fields? Earlier, Trip said that technology was fucked in The Forge because of "geomagnetic instabilities." A dampening field suggests that it was manmade, so did they cut explanatory dialogue or what? Also, when T'Pol showed Quantum the Map Room in her IDIC, there are these tall spires that seem to rise above (or below) the ground. Those spires never materialized on their trudge, so it makes me think they are part of the aforementioned dampening field and that they are underground. However, who installed the dampening field? Vulcans? Surak? Syrrannites? Please explain! It's like they shot these scenes months before they had storyline totally worked out and then they never went back to reconcile facts.

T'Pol's Vulcan ears perk up and she grabs Quantum to say, "We're being stalked." There's a screeching. They're being stalked by a teddy bear with teeth, aren't they? "What the hell's that?" Quantum wigs. "Sehlat. Run," T'Pol says, and runs by almost tripping over her illogical cape in her illogical heels. Behind them, the teddy bear with teeth bounds. Quantum, the human, manages to run and climb faster than T'Pol, the Vulcan. Considering what we know of the atmosphere on Vulcan, this is -- oh, forget it. They reach higher ground after T'Pol gasps that the sehlat won't climb. And why is that? Seems like an evolutionary mistake for a mountainous-dwelling creature not to climb for food. The sehlat paces below. "How long before it starts to lose interest in us?" Quantum wonders. "Days," T'Pol tells him, and then says sehlats are very persistent creatures. "As a child I had one as a pet," she explains. Quantum is amazed. "Domesticated," T'Pol clarifies. "They're smaller. Slightly." "How 'slightly'?" Quantum asks. T'Pol thinks for a moment then says, like a defensive CRACK WHORE, "You have Porthos." "Porthos doesn't try and eat me when I'm late with his dinner," Quantum says. "Vulcan children are never late with their sehlat's dinner," T'Pol says. Quantum could learn a thing or two by having a sehlat. Either that or Porthos could learn a thing or two by acting like one.

On the ship, Phlox has determined that the DNA on the bomb is the DNA that was registered in the Vulcan databanks when she was a baby. Clearly, it was planted. Phlox is awesome. While Trip frets over not being able to get word to Quantum that T'Pau is no longer a suspect, Reed shows Phlox the security tape from the embassy and says they've isolated when T'Pau's biometric signature was recorded. On the tape, some cloaked guy goes through security. "Look, that guard recognized whoever it was, and that guard is your patient," Trip points out, and adds that the guard is their only chance to find out who planted the bomb. Phlox says that the guard is in a coma with cranial injuries so severe, he doesn't expect him to recover. Reed asks if there's stimulant that could bring the guard around. "There's only so much damage a human body can withstand," Phlox protests. "I don't care about his body, Doc, we need what's in his mind," Trip says. So, Quantum isn't gone five minutes and you're already acting exactly like him? Oh, and Mindmeld? Yeah, you can start warming up -- you're up .

The Forge sans Geordi. The sehlat continues to caterwaul. "Sounds like that Klingon opera Hoshi made us listen to," Quantum comments. Oh, whatever. They should have been making with this kind of continuity and reference in the first two seasons instead of ostracizing a good deal of their fan base by openly thumbing their noses at the Star Treks that went before. As comparatively good as these episodes are, it's way too little and way too late. I know that people don't want to hear that, but the truth hurts: this show will not get renewed. They should have had Coto on this shit since the beginning. Someone on the ground cups his hands to his face and calls back to the sehlat. The sehlat runs off, and the B'eastmaster shouts up to Quantum and T'Pol that they're safe for now. "That's quite a trick," Quantum says. "You're human," B'eastmaster says. That's quite a trick. B'eastmaster thinks it's strange that they are traveling together. B'eastmaster says his name's "Arev." "That means 'desert wind,'" T'Pol says. Or does it mean Desert Storm? I blew your mind there, didn't I? When B'eastmaster asks why they're there, Quantum lies that he's studying Surak and his teachings and that T'Pol is his guide and instructor. That's quite blasphemous of him. B'eastmaster welcomes T'Pol to walk with him, but adds that The Forge is not for humans and tells Quantum, "Turn back." "If it's all the same, I'll walk with you too," Quantum says. "This desert's called The Forge for a reason, it will test you and destroy you," B'eastmaster says. And those footprints? Those were the times that I carried you. T'Pol and Quantum follow him. Hey, don't they make anvils in forges?