Big props to Gytha Ogg for the index page headline, and for then inspiring the homepage headline.
We're on Vulcan, and it's seventeen years ago. Deep in some caverns (CAVE SET!), Ind'iana Jones ferrets around in the dust while holding a lightsaber for light. He picks up a small stone bust and dusts it off with one of those special archaeology makeup brushes. "Surak," he breathes. All he needs is a bag of sand of the same weight and Alfred Molina drooling in the background.
Warren bastard! You killed my song!
Admiral Forrest makes an entry in his Diary of Evil, saying that he's on Vulcan to see if the Vulcans want to start taking road trips with Starfleet. Apparently, Vulcan promises to pull over at Wall Drug as long as Starfleet stays on its side of the car. They're still discussing what songs will be allowed, however, and that's really been the stumbling block in these negotiations. Starfleet wants campfire oldies, but Vulcan is insisting on Broadway show tunes. Oh, and Forrest's first name is "Maxwell," and if that isn't proof that he's evil then I don't know what is. As the Evil Admiral Forrest (no relation to my husband) tries to pump Soval for information, he learns that Soval has been kept in the dark about the negotiations as well. Soval decides to tell Forrest exactly what Vulcans think of humans: "You have the arrogance of Andorians, the stubborn pride of Tellarites -- one moment you're as driven by your emotions as Klingons and the you confound us by suddenly embracing logic." Well, there's only one thing to do after a speech like that -- one of them has to die. They go through a security retinal scan. You know, with just a minor altering of letters, that could be "rectal scan." That's what I call tight security. The Evil Admiral Forrest realizes that Vulcans are afraid of humans. "There is one species you remind us of," Soval says. Wait, "one"? He just listed three. "Vulcans!" the Evil Admiral Forrest crows. Soval gives us a mini-back story of fifteen hundred years of wars, embracing logic, and developing warp. "You humans do the same in less than a century. There are those on the High Command who wonder what humans will achieve in the century to come and they don't like the answer." The Evil Admiral Forrest insists that they aren't like the Klingons, which...seems neither to support nor blow apart Soval's argument, and says they only want to be partners with the Vulcans. Oh, so that's how he feels about Soval. There's a distant boom, and the Evil Admiral Forrest whips around, assesses something, and then turns and tackles Soval to the ground. Yup, that's how he feels about Soval. There's an explosion that busts a big hole in the Earth embassy on Vulcan.
Enterprise. Reed, all sweaty in a gray tank top, runs somewhere. I think the idea was that we were supposed to believe he was running to tell the captain about the explosion, but it turns out he's just playing basketball with Quantum, Hoshi, Trip, May-Mickey, and Phlox. I'd wonder where T'Pol is, but I just assume that they've punctured enough basketballs on her hips to know enough not to ask her to play anymore. Hoshi sucks, by the way, and Trip stuffs her in a really aggressive play. The ball gets into Phlox's hands, who looks like he's just hanging out on the sidelines. Not so much. With barely any effort, Phlox tosses the ball sideways and makes a basket. Trip and May-Ugly are clearly Phlox's teammates as they celebrate "another" victory. Trip even grabs at Hoshi to tease her. She jerks away and says, "Time to switch sides again, Doctor." Hee -- Phlox is a ringer and the rest of them suck! Even funnier is the fact that they've all soaked through their gym clothes but Phlox, who is wearing a peculiarly thick and all-concealing track-suit thing, is not even breaking a sweat. Phlox professes himself to be quite thrilled with the game, and compares it to some animal's fertility ritual. As Quantum listens to this with furrowed and unsmiling brow, the rest of the players tease each other behind him. Hoshi can even be heard to say, "I'm good," while smacking Trip with a towel. As much as I liked that normalcy, I didn't like that it makes Quantum look all the more stiff and humorless by comparison. But that's Bakula's fault, not anyone else's. T'Pol the Puncturer steps in and requests a serious word with Quantum. "Except that we're fully clothed, which I suppose is for the best," Phlox adds awkwardly in reference to the fertility ritual. Quantum steps into the corridor and furrows through his sweat. Can I ask why Bakula has dyed his hair so dark? At first, we all thought it was dark because it was supposed to be wet with sweat, but it's very clear in the rest of the episode that he's washed that grey right out of his hair.
Quantum logs that they've arrived on Vulcan and he's lost his evil friend, Admiral Forrest. First law of soap operas: if you don't see a body, they aren't really dead. Remember Hope blowing up on the Cruise of Deception? And don't even try to tell me Enterprise isn't a soap opera. Anyway, no one on Vulcan has any leads on the bomber.
In a corridor, Quantum apologizes to T'Pol for keeping her from her family, but he needs her on the investigation. T'Pol is more than happy to stay far and away from her family. "Your mother and [pause] husband will understand?" Quantum pries. T'Pol says her mother isn't returning her calls and her [pause] husband knows that their arrangement to avoid each other remains unchanged. Quantum fiddles with the airlock to let in some Vulcan dignitaries. The sight of one of them makes T'Pol react with CRACK WHOREAGE. Apparently, it's the head of the High Command, Administrator V'Las. I'm sorry, and maybe this is because I just watched "Savage Curtain" for the first time, but I think T'Pol owes Muck'ty Muck an apology, because when she turned and her eyes beheld him, she displayed emotion. I'd think Muck'ty Muck would have noted it and been annoyed. Soval tells Quantum that all of Vulcan grieves with him. Muck'ty Muck introduces his clearly evil security director, who will be heading up the investigation. Cond'leeza tells Quantum that not only do they have a memo titled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike Inside Vulcan," but they also have suspects.
In the Situation Room, Cond'leeza and the other Vulcans explain why they are pointing the finger at Andorians. Quantum doesn't buy that the Andorians are trying to turn the Vulcans and humans against each other. Cond'leeza's other suspects are Syrrannites, a fringe Vulcan group who follow a corrupted form of Surak's teachings. "Surak I've heard of," Quantum says, pacing. Well, yeah! Jackass. Quantum reminds us and the Vulcans -- both of whom really don't need reminding -- that Surak was the Vulcan Zen master of logic. Yes, he was the father of all they became. Even though all their past demonstrations protesting the Vulcan government have been peaceful, the Syrrannite leader -- a man called Syrran, oddly enough -- has become, in Cond'leeza's words, "a dangerous zealot." There have also been recent violent attacks against non-Vulcans that the Vulcan government pins on the Syrrannites, but there is no evidence linking this fringe group to the bombing. Soval, who sports a nicely green bruise on his face throughout this episode, says they are allowing Starfleet to head up the investigation of their own embassy. Muck'ty Muck says, "If evidence is there, Cond'leeza and I feel confident that you'll find it." Gee, do you think maybe that's because you planted it there? "I intend to," Quantum says nastily. Jackass.
Reed and May-New-Kid-on-the-Block investigate the bombed-out embassy. While Reed finds a security recording, May-Wise-Up lifts some massively heavy wreckage in order to identify a weak energy reading. What he sees gives him such a look of horror and the music such a tinge of Psycho that I fully expected there to be a rapidly decomposing body under there. It's a really nicely directed close-up of May-We-Do's face -- great angle, light, and everything. Unfortunately, since this isn't C.S.I., it's just a bunch of light sticks taped together. However, May-Leaving-Las-Vegas and Reed think it's a bomb. I guess they never went to sixth-grade roller skating parties. Reed determines that the timer might be broken, but the bomb's definitely armed. He orders May-Television-Man not to move. "The slightest vibration might set it off." Reed comms the ship and tells them to get a lock on them as they might need an emergency transport. So, instead of getting the hell out of there, Reed tells the ship to stand by and clutches his communicator between his shoulder and his ear. I should think they'd have hands-free devices by now. As May-We-Want-the-Airwaves strains and sweats and curses that foolhardy lay-up he attempted the day before, Reed scrabbles closer to the light sticks. Transporting the bomb out isn't an option because it will just explode when it detects the gravity change. "I'm going to attempt to scan it," Reed says. May-Wise-Up doesn't like the word "attempt." "If designed that bomb, I'd rig it to go off the instant a sensor beam made contact," Reed explains. May-Snowball-in-Hell glares at him. Reed tries to cheer him up by reminding him that if it does detonate, they will never know. You know that Reed isn't nearly as scared as he is fascinated by the light stick bomb. "Steady," Reed says as May-Who-Let-The-Dogs-Out shifts his weight a bit. I'm really nervous that the communicator Reed has trapped between his shoulder and his ear is going to slip out and land on the light stick bomb. I've done that enough times with phones to know it's not pretty. Apparently, it's not a good day to die, because Reed manages to complete his scan enough to find Vulcan DNA on the bomb's controls. He boosts the scan resolution, and the bomb arms. Reed bellows at Enterprise to beam them the hell out. They beam out, and the wall May-Bombs-Away was holding falls as the light sticks explode.
Sickbay. Phlox tells T'Pol, Quantum, and Cond'leeza that the Vulcan genome on the bomb belonged to some Vulcan who looks exactly like Helena Bonham Carter, the Branagh Years. "T'Pau," Phlox announces. My head -- which, after last week, was only being held together by Scotch tape and hope --explodes again. Quantum wonders who this woman is and what she does. Well, first there's the ahn woon and then there's the heart and soul and don't even get me started on the Wulcan vey. According to Cond'leeza, T'Pau is a well-known Syrrannite. Quantum's jazzed about getting a lead, but is quickly put in his place by Cond'leeza, who informs him that Vulcans will take care of this and he doesn't need help from T'Pol or Reed either. Oh yeah, he's as dead the Not Really Dead But Still Very Evil Admiral Forrest, which is to say, very.
Quantum walks into a storage bay where draped coffins lie row on row. He walks over to a particularly evil-looking one and caresses it. I'm half expecting one of them to pop open. Or at least for one of the bodies to sit up while still under its sheet. Soval comes in and tries to be nice, but Quantum is mean to him. Jackass. Soval comments that Forrest saved his life when he could have saved his own. Quantum paces, "He...always...put...the...mission...first!" Yeah, the evil mission. And we're back to talking like that again, are we? Jackass. Soval doesn't think the Syrrannites are responsible for the attack. "But we have DNA evidence!" Quantum insists, blindly following what he's fed and not having a creative bone in his body. "Recheck everything, Captain. Question everything. And don't let them keep you on Enterprise, the answers you need are on Vulcan, and however far you have to take this investigation, you have my full support." Even though Soval is totally smoking from T'Pol's CRACK PIPE, I think I sort of love him for that speech.
Speaking of CRACK WHORES, T'Pol fiddles with her candles in her room before she has a visitor. It's her [pause] Husband. Frank Lloyd Vulcan comes to touch fingers briefly -- much like we saw Sarek and Amanda do in "Journey to Babel" -- with his CRACK WHORE bride and tell her news of her mother. At one point he slightly caresses her neck with his two fingers, which makes both me and T'Pol cringe. Apparently, T'Ma hasn't been seen for weeks because she's been forced into hiding to avoid arrest. I think she hasn't been seen because she got so depressed after Trip left that she went on a drunken binge and is probably sleeping it off at Haz'ldon. Anyway, Frank Lloyd Vulcan also hands over a trinket from her mother. It's the IDIC on a pendant set with a red gemstone, which, sooner or later, is going to fall into a fire and end up melting some Nazi's hand. And -- can I get this out of the way now? -- "They're digging in the wrong place!" Whew, I feel much better. I don't know where I was going to shoehorn it and I just needed to get it in somewhere. Anyway, Frank Lloyd Vulcan reveals that T'Ma is a Syrrannite. Okay, so now that T'Ma's career is effectively totally ruined, can't T'Pol divorce Frank Lloyd Vulcan? They should at least be able to get an annulment since nothing beyond finger-touching has taken place, don't you think?
Hey, UPN? Yeah, I really despise these STUPID pre-verts you're forcing on us at commercial breaks. They ruin parts of the show, you fuckwads.
In his Ready Room, T'Pol brings Quantum up to speed on T'Ma's doings, and says that her mother sent her the IDIC locket because she wants T'Pol to come find her. T'Pol puts the locket on the table and says, "It's called an IDIC." "It looks old," is all Quantum has to say. Dude, guys who dye hair shouldn't throw stones. T'Pol presses a secret button, and a red-toned graphic projects out. "New from Google: Keyhole 2153," Mr. Gytha comments. T'Pol explains that the Map Room is a diagram of a desert called The Forge. "The route's the one Surak supposedly followed," T'Pol says. "Eighteen hundred years ago?" Quantum asks. No, yesterday. Jackass. "Syrrannites follow the same path today seeking enlightenment," T'Pol explains. "And you think your mother is somewhere along that path," Quantum asks. Yes, she's the Wife of Bath. T'Pol says that even though T'Ma told Frank Lloyd Vulcan that the IDIC locket is an heirloom, she's never seen it before. Quantum realizes that it's because T'Ma didn't want Frank Lloyd Vulcan to know about the map. Quantum thinks they can use the map to find T'Ma and T'Pau and the Ark of the Covenant.
Trip tries to talk Quantum out of his archaeological expedition by ranting about the bad conditions and the fact that scanners, weapons, and communicators won't work there because of geomagnetic instabilities. Remember that: "geomagnetic instabilities" -- no mention is made of dampeners. Quantum isn't swayed in the least and tells Trip that he and Reed are in charge of the investigation. "And whatever the Vulcans tell you, believe the opposite. Present company excepted," Quantum adds as they reach the airlock where Soval is standing with T'Pol. Soval hands over information to Trip that shows where gaps in their satellite surveillance appear. "When beam-ins can be detected," Soval explains. Trip gets the funny feeling he isn't supposed to have that information. "Have what, Commander? All I see is a Starfleet data module," Soval innocents, and averts his eyes. "Cap'n, what if somethin' goes wrong down there?" Trip asks. "It already has," Quantum broods. Oh, stop. They beam down.
...to Tatooine. Quantum, have you taken your Flintstones triox compound today? T'Pol reveals herself to be a doubter of some of Surak's purported teachings, and Quantum makes a clumsy Bible comparison that doesn't warrant recapping. Quantum is wearing the same tan desert attire we saw in "Desert Crossing", but T'Pol seems to think this is an occasion for a powder blue non-velour catsuit with matching heels and a totally illogical cape. They trudge. Night falls. Spaceships streak across the sky. "I though technology didn't work here," Quantum says. T'Pol explains that the dampening field only extends a few hundred meters above the ground; patrols can fly over it and their sensors can't detect them on the ground. Wait, what dampening fields? Earlier, Trip said that technology was fucked in The Forge because of "geomagnetic instabilities." A dampening field suggests that it was manmade, so did they cut explanatory dialogue or what? Also, when T'Pol showed Quantum the Map Room in her IDIC, there are these tall spires that seem to rise above (or below) the ground. Those spires never materialized on their trudge, so it makes me think they are part of the aforementioned dampening field and that they are underground. However, who installed the dampening field? Vulcans? Surak? Syrrannites? Please explain! It's like they shot these scenes months before they had storyline totally worked out and then they never went back to reconcile facts.
T'Pol's Vulcan ears perk up and she grabs Quantum to say, "We're being stalked." There's a screeching. They're being stalked by a teddy bear with teeth, aren't they? "What the hell's that?" Quantum wigs. "Sehlat. Run," T'Pol says, and runs by almost tripping over her illogical cape in her illogical heels. Behind them, the teddy bear with teeth bounds. Quantum, the human, manages to run and climb faster than T'Pol, the Vulcan. Considering what we know of the atmosphere on Vulcan, this is -- oh, forget it. They reach higher ground after T'Pol gasps that the sehlat won't climb. And why is that? Seems like an evolutionary mistake for a mountainous-dwelling creature not to climb for food. The sehlat paces below. "How long before it starts to lose interest in us?" Quantum wonders. "Days," T'Pol tells him, and then says sehlats are very persistent creatures. "As a child I had one as a pet," she explains. Quantum is amazed. "Domesticated," T'Pol clarifies. "They're smaller. Slightly." "How 'slightly'?" Quantum asks. T'Pol thinks for a moment then says, like a defensive CRACK WHORE, "You have Porthos." "Porthos doesn't try and eat me when I'm late with his dinner," Quantum says. "Vulcan children are never late with their sehlat's dinner," T'Pol says. Quantum could learn a thing or two by having a sehlat. Either that or Porthos could learn a thing or two by acting like one.
On the ship, Phlox has determined that the DNA on the bomb is the DNA that was registered in the Vulcan databanks when she was a baby. Clearly, it was planted. Phlox is awesome. While Trip frets over not being able to get word to Quantum that T'Pau is no longer a suspect, Reed shows Phlox the security tape from the embassy and says they've isolated when T'Pau's biometric signature was recorded. On the tape, some cloaked guy goes through security. "Look, that guard recognized whoever it was, and that guard is your patient," Trip points out, and adds that the guard is their only chance to find out who planted the bomb. Phlox says that the guard is in a coma with cranial injuries so severe, he doesn't expect him to recover. Reed asks if there's stimulant that could bring the guard around. "There's only so much damage a human body can withstand," Phlox protests. "I don't care about his body, Doc, we need what's in his mind," Trip says. So, Quantum isn't gone five minutes and you're already acting exactly like him? Oh, and Mindmeld? Yeah, you can start warming up -- you're up .
The Forge sans Geordi. The sehlat continues to caterwaul. "Sounds like that Klingon opera Hoshi made us listen to," Quantum comments. Oh, whatever. They should have been making with this kind of continuity and reference in the first two seasons instead of ostracizing a good deal of their fan base by openly thumbing their noses at the Star Treks that went before. As comparatively good as these episodes are, it's way too little and way too late. I know that people don't want to hear that, but the truth hurts: this show will not get renewed. They should have had Coto on this shit since the beginning. Someone on the ground cups his hands to his face and calls back to the sehlat. The sehlat runs off, and the B'eastmaster shouts up to Quantum and T'Pol that they're safe for now. "That's quite a trick," Quantum says. "You're human," B'eastmaster says. That's quite a trick. B'eastmaster thinks it's strange that they are traveling together. B'eastmaster says his name's "Arev." "That means 'desert wind,'" T'Pol says. Or does it mean Desert Storm? I blew your mind there, didn't I? When B'eastmaster asks why they're there, Quantum lies that he's studying Surak and his teachings and that T'Pol is his guide and instructor. That's quite blasphemous of him. B'eastmaster welcomes T'Pol to walk with him, but adds that The Forge is not for humans and tells Quantum, "Turn back." "If it's all the same, I'll walk with you too," Quantum says. "This desert's called The Forge for a reason, it will test you and destroy you," B'eastmaster says. And those footprints? Those were the times that I carried you. T'Pol and Quantum follow him. Hey, don't they make anvils in forges?
The day, they stand at a high point; B'eastmaster points out something and says, "The Plane of Blood. Some say Surak crossed this expanse when the hot blood of battle still flowed green but with logic, he cooled it." Well, yeah, but did he part the Green Sea? I didn't think so. Ha! Our god-like figures are better than your god-like figures! T'Pol is worried about the reflected heat being too strong for Quantum. "I'll stick to the sand-covered parts," Quantum jokes, I guess. I don't know what the heat is reflecting on, if not the sand, but maybe I'm just stupid. Or maybe Quantum is. Quantum swigs water and offers it to T'Pol, who says, "I won't need water for several more days." So that's what those two humps are for! Quantum's all impressed, but takes off his stylish sunglasses and offers them to T'Pol. "My inner eyelids will protect my vision," T'Pol says. Quantum cocks his head as if to look for the mysterious eyelid. "My species evolved on this planet," T'Pol points out. Quantum's wearing a sweat-soaked black baseball cap. Um, don't any hats other than pith helmets trap the heat on your head? I guess Quantum's species didn't evolve. Period.
The Vulcans walk. Quantum staggers a bit. That baseball cap doesn't even have those holes that some baseball hats have! What a jackass. B'eastmaster doesn't believe Quantum's a true student of Surak, and starts to quiz him on stuff. "What's Kiri-kin-tha's First Law of Metaphysics?" "I'm familiar with Newton's First Law of Motion -- I imagine they're pretty much the same," Quantum says. Okay, is it the heat that's making him so quantifiably STUPID? Because metaphysics and physics AREN'T THE SAME THING! Please don't tell me you can become a Starfleet captain and NOT know that! What a complete tool. Whatever. Oh, and way to totally demean another culture by just assuming that their fundamental teachings are "pretty much the same" as your culture's, which you then get TOTALLY WRONG! How'd he get into Stanford? Jackass. B'eastmaster doesn't think Quantum's been truthful, and Quantum returns the compliment. "Vulcans do not lie," B'eastmaster says, and what in the holy hell is he wearing? Red billowy pantaloons stuffed into knee-high boots like he's right out of Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves? And that weird purple satin and leather corset? That can't be logical desert attire. Quantum says he's dealt with the High Command too much to believe that Vulcans don't lie. "The High Command do not follow Surak's true path!" B'eastmaster announces. "No wonder you humans are their allies." B'eastmaster walks away. T'Pol determines that B'eastmaster is a Syrrannite and that he doesn't trust them enough to lead them to the others. Quantum says their only option is the truth. "It may be too late for that! Sandfire!" T'Pol CRACK WHORES. Quantum doofs behind him and sees billows of sand cascading down Surak's true path. Where's the fire?
I can't believe Jennifer Fucking Love Hewitt is in this new A Christmas Carol, and from the looks of it? She's Fanny. Apt, don't you think?
After commercials, Soval joins Trip and Reed in Sickbay. Quick rehash on the fact that not all Vulcans can mindmeld, and that mindmelding is looked upon as deviant behavior. Once Phlox assures Soval that he can prove that the DNA on the bomb was planted, and Trip suggests a conspiracy theory, Soval mutters, "The needs of the many," and steps up to perform the meld.
T'Pol and Quantum run as the "sandfire" follows them with lightning bolts. B'eastmaster directs them to safety in some caverns. Even though T'Pol's the one with the superior strength, B'eastmaster asks Quantum to help him move boulders to block up the opening. It's great how B'eastmaster tries and fails to make the Styrofoam rocks look heavy. T'Pol helps out by stuffing pebbles here and there. B'eastmaster recognizes T'Pol's locket and asks where she got it. T'Pol tells him it's from her mother. "T'Les," B'eastmaster says. "You're a Syrrannite," T'Pol says, backing away as if it's catching. "The daughter of T'Les serves on a human starship," B'eastmaster says. He's going to end up being T'Pol's "dead" T'Pa, isn't he? B'easmaster ignores T'Pol's CRACK WHORING questions about the safety and whereabouts of her mother, and turns to Quantum to identify him as the one responsible for the destruction at P'Jem. B'eastmaster approves of that destruction. "You seem to know a lot about us -- I'm guessing that means you know why we're here," Quantum pants. Strategically placed lightning crashes. B'eastmaster SMILES slightly and says that T'Ma is safe at some sanctuary. "I'll guide you both there when the storm has passed." Unless you die first. Quantum, inexplicably, makes angry faces. He's just NEVER happy, is he? Jackass.
Enterprise. Soval doesn't know whether the meld's ever been attempted with a human before, and puts his hands on the security guy's face. Trip is getting a bit too close to the proceedings, and Soval gives him the half-turn. Trip backs off. "Yeah, didn't you know it's rude to read someone's mind over someone else's shoulder?" Gytha Ogg snaps. "Also? Try a breath mint!" Soval proceeds to put his mind to the security guy's mind. He leaves out the "thoughts to thoughts" part, but maybe it's because he's out of practice. We jump inside security guy's head and start to go through the people who passed by his station on the day of the bombing. Apparently, the cloaked figure from the security tape was carrying a brown paper package tied up with string that security guy didn't think was important enough to check. Security guy sucks. "Who are you? Who?" Soval says as the cloaked figure passes by. The cloaked figure looks up, and Soval snatches his hands away from security guy's face. "What'd you see?" Trip asks. Soval breathes heavily and doesn't seem disposed to talk about it yet.
Cavern. The weary travelers eat gruel. B'eastmaster denies that the Syrrannites would have anything to do with a bombing, "That's not our way." "[The High Command] seem to think that it is -- that you and your leader believe in a corrupted version of Surak's teachings," Quantum insists. B'eastmaster chuckles. CHUCKLES! Okay, not only is he T'Pa, but I'll bet he's also Syrran, the Syrrannite leader. I wonder if this chuckling Vulcan is a distant cousin of the Laughing Vulcan. The Chuckling Vulcan asks if T'Ma told T'Pol the story of the IDIC. He takes the locket and points stuff out and says that Surak believed that the IDIC had no end. "But it begins here, at Mt. Selaya," the Chuckling Vulcan says. Now, does this Mt. Selaya have steps? And if so, will you climb them? T'Pol swings her head mournfully to Quantum and explains, "Surak died on Mt. Selaya." You are such a CRACK WHORE! The Chuckling Vulcan says, "His body, yes, but his katra [head explodes, again] was spirited away before the last battle against those who marched beneath the Raptor's Wings. Those who wanted to return to the Savage Ways." Ohmigod -- what's that decloaking?! Why, it's a Romulan Anvil of Prey! And why do I suddenly feel as if I'm watching a Lord of the Rings movie? "Whassa katra?" Quantum asks. I dunno, whassa katra with you? The Chuckling Vulcan looks at T'Pol, who explains, "The Syrrannites claim it's the 'essence' of the Vulcan mind. That it can be transferred from the body before death and stored in some manner." Like on a hard drive? "Some say Surak's katra was found and now is carried by a Syrrannite so all those who meld with him may touch Surak's mind," the Chuckling Vulcan says. Okay, so the Chuckling Vulcan is Syrran, T'Pa, and Surak's katra holder. He's a multi-tasker. Quantum's surprised by the melding turn of events. "Surak teaches us it is the heritage of every Vulcan. Even those who don't believe in the practice," the Chuckling Vulcan says, fixing T'Pol with a look. Can he smell the Pa'nar Syndrome on her? Quantum stares at T'Pol.
Soval, Phlox, and Trip confront Cond'leeza and Muck'ty Muck with their evidence. It proves that Cond'leeza (gasp!) is the one who planted the bomb with the fake DNA. It comes out that Soval got his evidence through a meld, which disgusts Muck'ty Muck. Apparently, telepathic evidence is inadmissible. Maybe they'll just settle out of court on this one. "You allowed this distasteful act to take place?" Muck'ty Muck accuses Soval. Soval flares his nostrils: "I performed it." Muck'ty Muck tells him he's shamed Vulcan and himself, and he'll have to appear before the High Command to answer for it.
Strains of Star Wars riffs filter through as the Chuckling Vulcan talks about how the High Command was once only in charge of exploring space. "I've been told the Vulcans were never explorers," Quantum says. "You've been told many things about us that are untrue," the Chuckling Vulcan tells all the fans, myself included, who have been disgusted by the portrayal of Vulcans on this show in the last three years. Strategic Lightning crashes and blows the boulders apart. They go to reseal the entrance, and T'Pol is blasted by lightning. Maybe if she weren't such a CRACK WHORE, the lightning wouldn't have been attracted to all that Trellium-D in her system.
T'Pol moans as Quantum tries to tend to her. The Chuckling Vulcan says the storm is gaining strength and is stuck by Strategic Lightning as well. Quantum rushes to his side. "You must carry it to sanctuary," the Chuckling Vulcan gasps. "Carry what?" Quantum doofs, just as if he hasn't been listening to any of the Chuckling Vulcan's campfire stories. The Chuckling Vulcan puts his peeling hand to Quantum's face: "Tuluk tu Vokau!" Quantum struggles and gags and rolls his eyes back in his head in pain. I don't think Spock hurt Bones when he did it. Quantum's a wimp. Oh, and I think the Chuckling Vulcan just turned death into a fighting chance to live. I refuse to say Quantum did that. I refuse.
Enterprise. Trip tries to convince Soval not to go back to Vulcan. Soval says he has to try to reason with the High Command. "What if they're all in on it?" Trip asks. Soval doesn't answer as he steps through the airlock. "If you really want humans and Vulcans to work together some day, you might think about trustin' us," Trip says. Soval just holds up his hand in the Vulcan salute: "Peace and long life, Commander," he says and peaces out.
Cave. T'Pol mops Quantum's katra'd brow. Quantum comes around, muttering. He sees T'Pol, who looks all worried, and asks after the Chuckling Vulcan. T'Pol looks behind Quantum at the Chuckling Vulcan's body. Quantum groans and says that the Chuckling Vulcan said something in Vulcan. He repeats it. "Remember," T'Pol translates. "Remember what?" Remember the Anvil. Quantum, the big girl's blouse, touches his face and winces, "I think he punched me." The storm's over and the patrol ships are flying again. Quantum remembers that they're to head for the T'Karath Sanctuary. "After we bury him," T'Pol says. Can I rant a minute here? QUANTUM is the one who gets to carry SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA?! Are you SERIOUS? Why, why, WHY does this universe HATE me? Quantum is an idiot. Quantum is mean. Quantum even let Trip make fun of T'Pol and ALL VULCANS when she first came aboard, and now QUANTUM gets to carry SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA?! No. No. Just, no.
They hike at night. The patrol craft fly. Quantum looks up and SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA logically assesses the situation: "They're following a grid search pattern. No sensors but they can still make visual contact. We have to find cover before the sun comes up." So, is this going to be like that episode of Quantum Leap where Sam leaped into Lee Harvey Oswald and kept switching personalities? Because any personality is better than Quantum's usual. Quantum gazes off into the distance and says, "That way." T'Pol looks and says, "There's nothing there." "That's where the Syrrannites are," Quantum says, and keeps walking. I was wrong -- Smug Logical Intellectually Superior Quantum is going to be far more annoying than Smug Illogical Stupid Quantum. "How do you know?" T'Pol calls after him. Just don't tell me he's going to develop an inner eyelid or sudden imperviousness to the heat, because the physical should have nothing to do with SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA. In fact, we know it doesn't, because Bones and his teeny body failed so miserably at trying to Nerve Pinch that dude in the bar that he got locked in a loony bin. They walk. T'Pol offers Quantum water. Quantum shrugs it off: "I'm good for a few more days." What did I JUST get done saying about the physical and the soul? "Captain, you're not Vulcan," T'Pol says, which cracks me up because she's clearly miffed at his high-handed attitude. "Right," Quantum says, and swigs some water. T'Pol realizes it's almost dawn, and says they need to find a place to hide. She makes a move, but Quantum pulls her to a wall of solid rock. He stares at it and says, "No, over here." Because, you know, he has SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA! "That won't help us," T'Pol points out. With a shimmer, Quantum walks through the rock. T'Pol catches sight of the patrol craft and follows. They walk through some hollowed-out caverns that also manage to have Doric pillars. Or maybe they're Corinthian. "Don't resist," Quantum says calmly. "What do you mean?" T'Pol wonders right before some manky-haired Vulcans rush out and restrain them. Shut up, Quantum. And shut up, SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA.
week: Quantum is clearly going to give up the Chuckling Vulcan/SURAK'S FUCKING KATRA to T'Pau, which probably explains why she's such a powerful priestess in later years. If they have the actress saying stuff like "vey" and "Wulcan," I am going to be so happy.