Everybody!
Khanna Babees, we make our genes true blue!
Khanna Babees, we'll kill a race or two!
Mullet: When your face looks kinda skank and you pretend that you are gods
Dawsonella: Just close your eyes and make believe and you can be fugly fro-ogs!
Mullet: I like to kill people!
Dawsonella: I like to prance!
Dain'ta: I love great chromosomes!
Animal: Animal dance!!
Khannabenigma: I've got my algorithms!
Khannabee1: I poison the air!
Khannabee Student: I underachieve.
Dead-Head Khannabee: And I have napped hair!
Bermanga: Me, I invent things!
UPN: Mee mee mee meee!
Keckler: Is everything all right in here?
All: Yes, Keckler.
Khanna Khanna Khanna Khanna/Babees Babees Babees Babees!
What? Oh, you were more of the Kidd Video type? Never mind then.
Happy Birthday, Evil Dr. Mathra! You get to be older than me for all of twelve hours and twelve days.
Eleven years earlier, Dain'ta talks to the young Khannabees about how extra-super-special with gold stars they are. He also tells them that everyone on the Pretty People Playground are afraid of them. "They fear your power, your intellect, your enormous foreheads," Dain'ta lists. Man, they even got ugly-assed kids to play these roles! I'm surprised their genetic engineering didn't supercede the monobrows a few of them are sporting. I mean, at the very least, being a superhuman should mean never having to pluck again. Dain'ta tells the Khannababees that he's just watching over them and that they belong to the future. One of the ugliest kids (Mullet) is slack-jawed until he asks if there are others like them. Dain'ta confirms that there are many others just waiting to be born and freed by their ugly siblings.
Back in the present, Dain'ta make plans to take control of Cold Station 12. Mullet, who somewhere acquired a British accent between childhood and mullethood, wants to destroy the life support system before taking control. Dain'ta doesn't think any lives need be taken. "No one is to be killed -- is that understood?" Dain'ta repeats. He looks at Mullet for his acquiescence. "Yes, understood, Father," Mullet fakes. Dain'ta leaves. Mullet glowers and looks ugly. Neither of which are very hard for him to do.
“ God, but this show makes stupid line decisions. You'd think I could let this go, but you'd be wrong. It's very distracting to have Bakula playing up a supposedly dramatic moment, yet we having no idea what in the moment is dramatic. ”
Bermanga sent seventy of us into exile in this barren sand heap with only the contents of this theme song to sustain us?
A sh'pod zooms toward a structure built into the base of some mountain that looks like it's straight out of Quantum Leap. You know, so much on this show is built into rocks: the Khannbabees Gymboruglee, the Aviary, all the cave sets, Quantum's forehead -- it's sort of like a motif. Quantum logs that, with no other leads, they are following the coordinates Dain'ta gave them last week. The Away Team looks around Gymboruglee for clues. They're going to find a chest full of those teak toys some parents are coddled into thinking will make their children gifted at age three. Actually, it does look like they find a game of SET, but that's probably a coincidence. Quantum determines that the playpen doubled as a classroom. "Imagine having Dain'ta as your teacher," Malcolm scoffs. Well, he's better than Charlie Brown's. Trip observes, "With that and their screwed-up genes, no wunner they turned out the way they did." Trip's got genius envy. Unbeknownst to them, some nappy-haired Khannabee reject watches from the shadows and pulls out a Klingony knife. Trip and Quantum note that the Khannabees took medical equipment with them. Quantum watches home videos of Dain'ta playing with the Khannababees. "I'll be damned," Quantum breathes. Wait, why? They already knew that was the Khannabee colony, and that Dain'ta was the one who brought them there and raised them. Quantum even JUST made the comment about Dain'ta being their teacher, so just what are they supposed to be damned about? I mean, no surprises, right? God, but this show makes stupid line decisions. You'd think I could let this go, but you'd be wrong. It's very distracting to have Bakula playing up a supposedly dramatic moment, yet we having no idea what in the moment is dramatic. Getting a better look at the Khannabee reject, we can see that, yes, he's just as ugly and has a forehead just as preternaturally large as the others. I'll bet he got ditched for being a B student. So much for no child left behind. The Away Team spot him and there's a chase in the caverns. Aw, we missed you, Cave Set -- don't be a stranger! "Leave me alone!" the reject pants. "We're not going to hurt you," Quantum says, leveling his phaser -- which, last time I checked, does actually hurt -- at him. There's a tussle, and Quantum bests the superteen. Yup, definitely a B student if Quantum can take him.
Klingon ship. Mullet finds Dain'ta getting teary-eyed over Head Khannabee's stuff. Dain'ta reminisces, "He was a good student -- he loved astronomy." Mullet is silent. "Where's your brother, Mullet?" Dain'ta asks. "Am I my brother's keeper?" Cain -- I mean, "Mullet" answers. Actually, he doesn't, but I have a feeling that's what the writers are trying to evoke, and the subtlety of it is refreshing. I'm serious. I know it sounds like I'm ladling the hot sarcasm sauce over the bitter pie, but I'm being totally serious. Really. Anyway, Mullet spins a cock and bull story about what happened to Mullet. He cries without actual tears and he apologizes without actual sorrow. Hey, Mullet? The Dolt called -- he wants his Constipated Gibbon face back. Mullet lies when he cries that Head Khannabee came at him with a knife and it was all an accident. He even bullshits that he tried so very hard to save Mullet. Dain'ta seems to buy it, and even blames himself for leaving them alone as children. I'm laughing at the superior intellect.
“ Mullet has tiny man nipples that, truth be told, really don't measure up to Khan's. In fact, he's quite the nippliarly challenged individual. Maybe Dain'ta should fix that time around. ”
Sickbay. Phlox reports on the stable yet inferior state of Khannabee Student and confirms that he's not a gold star Khannabee. "He's an anomaly. His DNA is similar to the others but not identical. He doesn't have any of their enhanced abilities." Quantum furrows at Khannabee Student and apologizes for hitting him in the jaw. Khannabee Student gives his real name but says his brothers and sisters call him "Smike." When Quantum furrows at the unusual nickname, Khannabee Student tells him it's from Nicholas Nickleby. "His handicapped friend," Quantum furrows out loud. Wow -- first the Bible and now Dickens? And without any Norton-sized anvils as well. Impressive. Khannabee Student was left behind because being merely Cum Laude would have slowed his siblings down, and he accepts that. He also doesn't want to help Quantum find the other Khannabees. "You'll never stop them, Captain, no one will." Trip comms that the medical equipment taken from the Gymboruglee was a bunch of incubators. Don't worry, I'm sure it's just for a Science Fair project.
Dawsonella and Mullet lie in bed together, all tangled up in fug, while Mullet complains that Dain'ta "is different than [he] remember[s]." "The man who raised us would never risk our lives to protect humans," Mullet bitches. Correct me if I'm wrong, Repulsive, but aren't you human as well? I know you're genetically gifted and crap, but that doesn't change your species. You're an idiot. Also, why does their bed look so comfortable with pillows, soft mattresses, and fuzzy blanket? This is a Klingon ship and Klingons eschew all comforts. Picard and Riker bedded down on metal shelves during their stretches on Klingon ships. What -- these Khannabees thought to tote their down comforters and 1500-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets with them when they escaped their playpen? I don't think so. I also don't buy that Klingons of the past are less hardcore about comforts than the Klingons of the future. Dawsonella argues that Dain'ta knows what he's doing and that they shouldn't doubt him. Mullet prefers to doubt him and says that Khannabees should be led by Khannabees. They argue some more, and have a minor struggle in bed that ends in sex. Ugly people sex is really heinous. Mullet has tiny man nipples that, truth be told, really don't measure up to Khan's. In fact, he's quite the nippliarly challenged individual. Maybe Dain'ta should fix that time around. There's a na-ha-hasty scene here where Mullet pulls Dawsonella's face really close to his and I had disturbing flashbacks from that scene in Aliens 3 when the mama alien shoves her big, dripping maw near Ripley's face. Yes, I think he's that ugly and his grin is really that freakish. By the way, I think it's really stupid that Dawsonella's Tick Underoos have the same fashionable tears in them. If they're so smart, why doesn't one of the Khannabees learn how to darn clothes?
“ Have you noticed how Quantum always has to order people to eat with him? Remember that whole thing with Reed? Kinda makes you wonder. 'Be my friend -- that's an order!' Hee. ”
Enterprise. Trip, Quantum, and T'Pol remind us that Cold Station 12 is where Dain'ta used to work; it's where Starfleet stores a bunch of highly infectious diseases; and it's also where the super-embryos were held after the Eugenics Wars. Dain'ta only took nineteen -- an odd number if you ask me, but maybe they were the prime candidates. Geddit? "Prime," because nineteen isoh, forget it. You tend to find these things funny when you're married to a mathematician -- and there are over eighteen hundred left. Trip duhs that's why Dain'ta took the incubators.
Jolene? Yeah, it's your agent. Listen, I'm sorry, doll, but you've gotta wear the catsuit awhile longer. What's that? Yeah, I know it's demeaning, pathetic, and I know the velour nap has been ruined by all those masturbating studio executives, but you know it's all because of The Furlong Clause. Yep, you gotta pay your debt to society for dating him. Okay? Now keep your dinners up -- it will all be over soon. Who loves ya, baby?
Quantum explains that, after the wars, it was too controversial to destroy the embryos, so they were put into deep freeze. "I just got off with Admiral Forrest -- we've been authorized to use whatever force necessary to stop Dain'ta," Quantum says. Yeah, evil force.
Denobulan ship. A Denobulan female is tricked into getting tractor-beamed by the Khannabees. There's this one awesome shot where the Bird of Prey rears up from under the Denobulan ship and hovers like a giant King Cobra poised to strike. It was really cool.
Sickbay. Quantum warns Phlox that his friend Dr. Lucas is currently serving as senior medical officer on Cold Station 12. He thought Phlox would want to know. Phlox looks scared and, on the strength of his service on the medical facility, requests to be a member of the boarding party. Quantum agrees. Quantum invites Khannabee Student to dine at his table. "Do I have a choice?" Khannabee Student asks. "No," Quantum smiles, and leaves. Have you noticed how Quantum always has to order people to eat with him? Remember that whole thing with Reed? Kinda makes you wonder. "Be my friend -- that's an order!" Hee.
On the Denobulan ship, Dawsonella clears them through security to approach Cold Station 12. A circular aperture opens in the asteroid, and the Denobulan ship lowers itself in. That's so Star Wars. Dawsonella beats up four or five security personnel before Dain'ta and the rest of the Khannabees join her. Dain'ta punches some stuff on a security screen. Dawsonella hands over an oxygen mask to Dain'ta and reports, "We don't have enough masks." "You don't need masks," Dain'ta informs her. If the Khannabees are so smart, don't you think they'd know they don't need masks? I think these Khannabees are nothing more than just ugly faces.
“ Hm, T'Pol's violet velour catsuit, which got all nasty and stained last week, now looks glossy and completely re-napped. Ah, they must have superior dry cleaners aboard the ship. Yeah, that's it. See? Now I'm drunk enough. ”
Cold Station 12. Some lesser docs get ushered into a holding cell in the main room as Dr. "I Am The Walrus" Lucas insists he doesn't have "the code." Dain'ta scoffs that when he was Senior Medical Director, he had access to the embryos. Dr. Lucas says they changed policy after what Dain'ta did. "He's lying," Mullet bellows. Dain'ta holds up a "back off" hand and asks Dr. Lucas if the lights in his office flicker. "Every two hours -- drives me crazy!" Dr. Lucas exclaims. "Faulty power relay -- you wouldn't believe how many times I asked them to fix it. Ten years later and they still haven't done a thing," Dain'ta says, shaking his head. He orders Mullet to put Dr. Lucas with the others. Mullet doth protest. "I believe him," Dain'ta says dismissively, becausesomehow the office lights thingwas a cleverly hidden lie detector test? Yeah, clearly I haven't had enough to drink. Dain'ta turns to the Khannabee who is acting as codebreaker. "It's a hexadecimal password and I'm creating an algorithm to compute the possible combinations -- a few hundred thousand of them. It may take a few minutes," Khannabenigma brags as the Evil Dr. Mathra vomits undigested automorphic forms. "I can't believe I held you back in math," Dain'ta says proudly. Shut up, Dain'ta. How could any holding back happen anyway? I thought they were all with the having of the intellect that was of the superior kind. Cold Station 12 gets a signal that a ship is approaching.
Quantum gets a hail from Dain'ta threatening the lives of the doctors aboard Cold Station 12 unless Quantum turns his ship around. Quantum tries to buy time by talking to Dr. Lucas, but is forced to reverse course once Dain'ta begins to wonder what a Klingon disrupter would do to a human skull at close range. Hm, T'Pol's violet velour catsuit, which got all nasty and stained last week, now looks glossy and completely re-napped. Ah, they must have superior dry cleaners aboard the ship. Yeah, that's it. See? Now I'm drunk enough.
Khannabenigma says the decryption is going to take him much longer than he thought. Sounds like Dain'ta didn't hold him back far enough. You know, aside from the ass-kickings and the phaser-proof skin, we have yet to see exactly how these Khannabees are superior. They really seem to have more brawn than brains. Mullet hands over an e-pad that proves that Dr. Lucas lied about his access to the embryos. Apparently, he has it. Dain'ta growls, "Get him in here."
Trip makes arrangements to mask an Away Team's beam-over as something technobabblicious. Quantum confirms to Khannabee Student that he wants him on the mission. What's up with Khannabee Student wearing that same grey jumpsuit Mozzarella Trip wore? And if there's such a plethora of those, why isn't T'Pol wearing one? Oh, right, The Furlong Clause. Maybe if I repeat that enough I'll believe it.