Theorizing that one could constantly pawn off exhausted time travel plots on the public and get away with it, Bermaga shoved Quantum into the Temporal Agent accelerator and he vanishedhe woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing historical images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Daniels, a meddler from first season, who appears in the form of a dork that only Quantum can see and hear. And so viewers find themselves leaping from season to season, striving to wank right what once went wrong and hoping each season that the leap will be the leap from mediocrity.
Boy. What a bad day. Horrible, in fact. We can't find the Not Really Post Road But It's the Best We Can Do Out Here Pumpkin Ale anywhere around us, and I'm going crazy with the autumnal longing for it. Today at the stinky cookbook photo shoot was horrific enough for me to starting to doubt my editorial sense. And since the Evil Dr. Mathra and I haven't been home for several weekends, the laundry and the dust bunnies are holding secret conferences with the bathroom mold as to who gets to eat us first. However, I do want to give huge thanks for all the emails I've gotten in the last few days, which not only told me that the short story I was trying to remember last week was Stephen King's "The Jaunt" from Skeleton Crew, but also gave me huge props and massive compliments for a recap I was pretty convinced sucked as much as the actual episode. You guys made my day.
Ugh. I'm going to get through this episode as quickly as humanly possible, because the sooner we leave this whole Time Foolery crap behind, the sooner my liver can regenerate. We open with a few pandering reels of MovieTone News. When I see it at The Paramount in Oakland, it's cool. When they start off Yet Another Star Trek Time Travel Episode with it, it's a shiny object specifically minted in order to distract us from the fact that it's Yet Another Star Trek Time Travel Episode. Nazis in America and Hitler taking in the sites while forging an alliance with FDR are the headlines they want us to "ooh" and "aah" over. I can't find it particularly chilling, because I giggled over how much Adolf looks like a spastic colon when he punctuates his speeches with a lot of arm thrusts and bouncing of a slicked-down cowlick that doesn't stay slicked down.
I have to admit, I might have had much more respect for this episode if they had changed the opening credits to show Nazi astronauts instead of the stupid newsreel.
Cask 23: I'm sparing you all my traditional dance to the theme song.
Keckler: Yeah? You do a little dance? See, for me, the dance is over -- sickened feet have got no rhythm. So, I'm never gonna dance again.
“ I mean, this entire hour of television is pointless and a complete waste of time. I know it's going to reset itself in the end, so of COURSE it really doesn't have to make sense how, when, why, or WTF! Asinine. Completely asinine. ”
Nonrad Veidt and Camel Taupe stand in front of a sepia-toned (that's how you know it's all historical) map of the United States and argue about whose getting the raw end of the deal in their partnership. What's going on with Canada during all this? They're probably up there saying, "No, no -- just go on pretending we don't exist -- same as usual. No, really. No. Really." While looking down his veiny nose at the Nazis and their piddling non-temporal battles, Camel Taupe even threatens to take his Alienazis and go over to the other side. "If your race were to endure for a million years, you couldn't begin to approach what we've accomplished." Yeah, unless you've walked through various timelines in another man's shoes...wait, hold on, I don't get the threats here. I mean, the Alienazis are stuck in this particular time -- why couldn't Nonrad Veidt's response be like, "Well, if I killed you and your men now, you wouldn't exist. You -- and your race -- are made vulnerable by your very presence in this time." Clearly, the Nazis were able to invade America without the Alienazis help, because we're later told that it is the assassination of Lenin in 1916 that then enabled the Nazis to dominate, AND we're informed that Lenin's assassination had nothing to do with the Alienazis since they've only been on Earth for a few years! I mean, this entire hour of television is pointless and a complete waste of time. I know it's going to reset itself in the end, so of COURSE it really doesn't have to make sense how, when, why, or WTF! Asinine. Completely asinine. "The time you feel the urge to threaten me, just remember this: I can erase you from history -- as if you've never existed," Camel Taupe threatens. But...HOW!? How can he travel back in time to erase this guy from this time if he's STUCK IN THIS TIME AND NEEDS THE NAZIS' HELP TO BUILD HIS TIME MACHINE?! Screw it.
Cask 23: You know, you don't have to worry about getting anything wrong in your notes because it will all be reset by the end of the episode.
Too true.
Alicia, still not freaking out about her tenure on a spaceship, rudely rearranges personal photographs in the quarters she's been assigned. Quantum arrives to tell her how the old tenant of the quarters died fighting a hostile species, and that while war doesn't exist on Earth in his time, it still exists in space. "Space ships...people from other planets...people from...the future? It's all a little too much for Alicia Travers from Bensonhurst." Well, throw in a guy in a Michelin Man suit and it's all a little too much for me, too. Wait, a minute, Bensonhurst? Dude, last week when I mentioned that we were on Sars's street? I was kidding. But, hey, shout-out to Sars! I'll bet she feels extra special now. ["I've got to move, immediately. Heh." -- Sars] Anyway, Nazis or not, Alicia wants to go home to defend her turf. "Besides, she's gotta move her car," Cask 23 adds. Quantum asks her to keep an eye out for Trip and May-Wie-ist-das-Wetter-heute and promises that they're going to help his beloved country. God, I'm surprised they didn't patch in Kate Smith singing "God Bless America" in her cartoonish quaver. Oh, what -- that would have been over the top?
“ 'But I thought we were here to prevent Camel Taupe from starting the Temporal war,' Reed puzzles. 'Chicken or the egg,' is Quantum's blithe way of sweeping all pesky explanation under the rug with the rest of the Dust Bunny Plotlines. ”
The Alienazis test their time machine and try to figure out what the deal is with Trip and May-Wie-ist-das-Wetter-heute. The time machine test has problems, the Alienazis know that Trip and May-Wetter aren't temporal agents, and the Alienazis still don't trust the Nazis.
Trip and May-Wetter are returned to their cell that is painted like an elementary school bathroom, and Silik falls from the ceiling right on top of Trip. Quantum's going to be so jealous!
In Quantum's Quarters, Reed says he pinpointed when the timeline changed and it was when someone assassinated Lenin in 1916. To Quantum's question, Reed says that no one took Lenin's place. "Wait, uh, Lenin's been assassinated? So...Trotsky -- hello?" Cask 23 sputters as Hunca Munca noisily shreds my notes on this episode. The claim is that Russia never became Communist, so Germany never considered it a threat, which left Hitler free to concentrate on taking France, Belgium, the Netherlands, England, and the Eastern U.S. "But Camel Taupe and his men arrived on Earth recently -- a few years ago," T'Pol interjects. Quantum agrees that means the Alienazis couldn't be responsible for the assassination, and Reed adds that the assassin disappeared. T'Pol thinks the assassin was working for one of the Temporal Cold War factions that Daniels mentioned. I think the assassin was Daniels. "But I thought we were here to prevent Camel Taupe from starting the Temporal war," Reed puzzles. "Chicken or the egg," is Quantum's blithe way of sweeping all pesky explanation under the rug with the rest of the Dust Bunny Plotlines.
Camel Taupe contacts Quantum to offer a deal: Trip and May-Wetter for something he wants. After hawing a bit, Quantum agrees to beam down.
Keckler: That room the Alienazis are in looks like something right out of Strange Brew.
Dr. Mathra: So, does that mean this is going to end with them drinking their way out, and then Quantum's so huge that he has to put out the Temporal Not So Cold War by peeing on it?
Keckler: If anyone's drinking their way out of anything, it's going to be me and a case of pumpkin ale.
Dr. Mathra: And the peeing?
Keckler: I'm not making any promises.
Quantum beams down with some Uh-Ohs to a remote location few miles outside New York. Ah, so in this alternate future-past, New York has redwoods. Interesting -- better get the temporal botanists on that one. Camel Taupe gets out of his jeep and says, "It's good to see you again, Captain." Because somehow we were only now supposed to make the connection that this is the same Alienazi from the finale?
“ 'But see, they love each other and when you love each other you get to a point when you can simply read each other's minds,' the Evil Dr. Mathra explains. Honey, can you read my mind right now? ”
Trip and May-Wetter are brought forth and are shocked to see Quantum, but not too shocked to bitch a bit about they way they've been treated at the hands of the Alienazis. Camel Taupe apologizes for the inconvenience, and Quantum tells his men they are going back to the ship. Trip protests that Quantum is coming with them, but Quantum shuts him up a short bark of "Trip!" Trip shuts it. Quantum calls the ship to beam the guys up. They beam. Camel Taupe grills Quantum on what he knows about him and the rest of the Alienazis. Quantum recaps everything we already know. Camel Taupe accuses all the other temporal agents of being the real bad guys in this Temporal Not So Cold War. "If you've ever dealt with them then you know they do much more than watch history unfold. They interfere with events," Camel Taupe asserts. Well, that's certainly always been true of Daniels. Camel Taupe believes that there shouldn't be any temporal accords, because he thinks time travel technology should be used to manipulate historical events to benefit various species. Quantum wonders who determines what events get manipulated, but Camel Taupe won't be drawn into a philosophical discussion, and says Quantum should help him because he can send them all back to their century. Quantum's not all over that. Camel Taupe encourages him to go back to his ship and think it over.
Sickbay. Phlox examines the POTCWs and thinks they're going to be okay. Trip really wants to know what went down on the surface, but Quantum's not inclined to tell them much. Phlox "slyly" gets Quantum to look at a medpad, and Quantum asks what they saw down there. Phlox goes to the comm box and pushes a button. Gee, I wonder what's going on. Trip and May-Wetter thinks the Alienazis are building a time machine. Quantum draws out his sentences enough to get "Trip" to look at him. "Trip" does and then attacks him. What exactly was it about Quantum saying "energy field" that made "Trip" realize Quantum was onto him? Do we know? No. There's no explanation in this show, so I don't know why I keep expecting things to make sense. "But see, they love each other and when you love each other you get to a point when you can simply read each other's minds," the Evil Dr. Mathra explains. Honey, can you read my mind right now? May-Wetter gets off the table in concern. I think his real concern is over the CRAPPY CGI effects as "Trip" morphs out of Quantum's arms and flips his body inside out to kick Quantum in the face. It was like Quantum was fighting one of the Sims! "Trip" runs down a corridor as the just-arriving security detail fires at him. Quantum turns "Trip" over as "Trip" morphs into Silik. Riiight. Like they wouldn't have picked up on this little trick when they went to beam Trip and May-Wetter up from the redwoods, and noted that they were locking onto one human bio-sign and one Suliban bio-sign? They aren't even TRYING to make sense of ANYTHING anymore, because they are convinced we are all so ENTHRALLED by the Time Foolery that we won't notice anything else! I hate this goddamned show. May-Wetter runs out and guhs at the revoltin' development.
“ Camel Taupe wonders if they are examining the intel downloaded from their computers. 'I reserve that right,' Quantum sneers. 'And I reserve the right to destroy you,' Camel Taupe retorts. Get in line, buddy, I reserved that right when I took this gig three years ago. ”
Bensonhurst. Alicia dresses Krakko's leg wound. Krakko wants to know about her disappearing into thin air with Quantum. Alicia considers telling him everything.
At this point Hunca Munca got so beside himself with whole damn show that he attempted to drink out of Cask 23's wineglass.
Silik paces in the Brig as Quantum demands to know where Trip is. I don't know why Quantum even bothers to stand outside the Brig anymore. We all know that, sooner or later, he's going to storm into the Brig, grab the prisoner by the neck, and threaten him or her with the airlock. He's such a drama queen. Sure enough, after Silik doesn't answer a few questions, Quantum storms in and hypothesizes that Shower Guy sent Silik on this mission to Earth in order to snag the Time Machine technology. Silik doesn't really respond yea or nay to this and instead taunts Quantum with the missing Trip. Quantum grabs Silik by the neck -- these boys like it rough -- and throws him against the wall. "You've changed, Captain," Silik says silkily. Quantum drops Silik's neck as though it didn't arouse him in the least and snaps, "And not at all for the better!"
Trip wakes up in a broom closet and boggles around.
Camel Taupe comms Quantum that data has been stolen from their computer and that the "bio-residue" (um, ew!) they found signifies that the thief is from their time period. Silik's leaped around to so many time periods, how can they even identify which one is really his? Quantum tells Camel Taupe that the Suliban stowed away on his ship and he's not any happier about it than the Alienazi is. Camel Taupe wonders if they are examining the intel downloaded from their computers. "I reserve that right," Quantum sneers. "And I reserve the right to destroy you," Camel Taupe retorts. Get in line, buddy, I reserved that right when I took this gig three years ago. Camel Taupe mentions that he has weapons aimed at the ship, and Quantum feels it only fair to mention that he has weapons aimed at their time machine factory. Sadly, there will be no wedding bells for these two because Quantum has decided that after the rose ceremony, he's going to reject Camel Taupe's proposal of temporal marriage. The time machine factory fires at Enterprise. Enterprise fires back.
On the planet, an Alienazi announces that Enterprise is moving out of range. Isn't is odd, being that they are in orbit, that they are instantly able to move out of range from something firing from below? "We...needed them," an Alienazi trembles to Camel Taupe. "We will complete our objective with the resources at hand -- resume your work," Camel Taupe responds, knowing that if he continues to keep his heart open to love, love will finally come to him.
Check this out, when Cask 23 came over tonight, she brought us two cases of Buffalo Bill Pumpkin Ale. Dude. I'm in beer heaven. Or would that be, Gutkalifornienoktoberbierparadeishausen? I like it when things end in "hausen."
“ Silik walks behind them in...street clothes? Oh, this looks so odd! It would appear that Silik is wearing jeans, a striped t-shirt, and a dark brown suede jacket. Furthermore, he's walking like he's on a catwalk, he's got a wedgie, and the jeans are three sizes too tight. ”
Brig. Quantum orders Silik to get him inside the time machine factory so he can get Trip back. Silik wants to know if Quantum plans to destroy the time machine. Quantum does. "I don't care about your crewman, Captain [uh, then why did you save his life last episode? Will they ever explain that? Should I stop asking questions that are never in a thousand years going to be answered?], but I don't want Camel Taupe to succeed any more than you do -- I'll help you," Silik announces. Silik adds that Quantum's lack of genetically being a Sim will hamper them. "We'll work around it," Quantum snorts. By the way, we all know Silik can morph, but to completely imitate another human? I guess Shower Guy gave him a genetic upgrade. Probably for "services rendered." And "tendered." Ew.
T'Pol gives Quantum instructions on how to disable the time machine factory's shields. Silik walks behind them in...street clothes? Oh, this looks so odd! It would appear that Silik is wearing jeans, a striped t-shirt, and a dark brown suede jacket. Furthermore, he's walking like he's on a catwalk, he's got a wedgie, and the jeans are three sizes too tight. However, I have to say, John Fleck does an excellent job of acting like an alien. In fact, he does such a good job that it's weird to see him as a normal person as we do in a few scenes. Quantum gives final instructions before T'Pol beams them down and wishes them luck.
Nonrad Veidt demands his special weapons from Camel Taupe, who tells him he'll have them in six hours. Nonrad Veidt is none too pleased with this six-hours crap and storms out. Camel Taupe tells his underling that they are leaving tonight and orders him to pack everything. The underling bitches about the instability of the time machine. "Human leaders often speak of destiny." Camel Taupe stands up to be impressive. "The conduit will hold." Therefore we know it won't.
In his broom closet, Trip shinnies up a pipe, breaks a light bulb, and starts sawing away at his bonds with the broken glass.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: So, did they have to CGI the actor climbing this?
Keckler: Naw, I'm sure Connor Trinneer was all, "Dudes, I got the pipes for this one."
The Evil Dr. Mathra: Do you know what "pipe" is?
Keckler: Yeah -- upper arms, like guns.
The Evil Dr. Mathra: But when Jon Stewart talks about "swinging pipe," I don't think he's talking about arms.
Keckler: Oh.
“ You know what the best thing about drinking pumpkin ale is? Burping pumpkin ale. Your breath is as refreshing as an autumn breeze. I think that should go on the bottle. ”
In the dark streets of Bensonhurst, Silik begs Quantum to admire his human form. Dude has such low self-esteem! Quantum checks a body on the street for signs of life, and asks Silik why he and Camel Taupe didn't join forces against the common enemy of Daniels. "One doesn't join forces with Camel Taupe," Silik says, and adds that the partnership with the Nazis isn't a real one and exists only as a means to an end. I adore John Fleck's voice. "Sounds like you and Camel Taupe have a history," Quantum interjects. Quantum, Quantum, love is patient and kind. It is not jealous. Silik says Camel Taupe tried to eradicate the Suliban race by altering their past to prevent them from attaining sentience. "Then how is it that you're here?" Quantum demands. Camel Taupe was stopped by the temporal agents. "Are you saying you owe Daniels's people your lives?" Quantum wonders. "They still oppose us, they're still our enemy," Silik recites. "That will never change." Quantum asks some men gathered around a trashcan bonfire about Alicia. Isn't there a curfew? And wouldn't that conspicuous bonfire draw the Nazis like Nazi moths to a conspicuous flame? "Still huntin' Martians?" Krakko asks, coming out of the shadows. "You just missed Billie Holliday," Alicia swaggers. Do you think in this altered time line that "War of the Worlds" was ever broadcast? I just find it strange how calmly these people are taking the idea of a Martian occupation. Even in this day and age, we'd be totally freaking out. Krakko asks, "What are we goin' after this time -- the Loch Ness monster?" Only if she leaped into the late seventies to prevent Nimoy from discovering her on In Search Of. And you know, with this show? I wouldn't think anything is too sacred.
Enterprise. Reed notes heavy bombing in Eastern Pennsylvania (aw, no more Yuengling brewery!) and Southern Virginia, and updates T'Pol on repairs. Engines are at thirty-six percent, maneuvering thrusters are offline, and their targeting array is "fried." "We'll be shooting in the dark," Reed finishes. And using slang we've never heard anyone but Trip use. Even then, he was referring to his favorite food. It just seems a bit out of character for the veddy proper Brit.
You know what the best thing about drinking pumpkin ale is? Burping pumpkin ale. Your breath is as refreshing as an autumn breeze. I think that should go on the bottle.
Krakko wants to know more about the time machine factory and what kind of weapons Quantum has on his ship. "Do we really need these people," Silik queens. Krakko takes umbrage. "I don't see how they can be of any use to us," Silik continues to bitch to Quantum. "I'll tell yuh how I can be of use to yuh -- how about I start by removing your teeth with my knuckles?" Krakko inquires. "Are you threatening me?" Silik wonders. "Hey, give the man a prize!" Krakko crows. "Why would you do that?" Silik asks, confused. The oh-ha-ha-look-at-the-non-human-taking-stuff-literally was funny when it was Data. Now? Not so much. Quantum and Alicia get the alien and the mobster to back off each other. Alicia informs Krakko that like it or not, they are helping Quantum. She bores me. She may be beautiful but she's got a delivery like a sodden tea bag.
“ We get a really unflattering and strangely long look at his butt morphing as he slides through like an envelope. You know, when this series began I loved the morphing, but now I'm over it. ”
Time Machine Factory. Camel Taupe makes a stirring speech to his Alienazis about reaching their full potential as a species. I've clearly been watching way too much Charmed lately, because when he talks about "vanquishing" their enemies, I immediately imagine a little glass bottle filled with an opaque blue potion. "My brothers," Camel Taupe says, and all the Alienazis do a Half-Hearted Heil with their guns, "we are going home." What the heil? I mean, why would an alien nation do...no, no -- I'm past getting up to care.
Nazis patrol an area that is verboten. An old Packard rams the gates. The Nazis fire. The mobsters fire back and crack jokes. Under cover of the commotion, Silik and Quantum run elsewhere and kill a couple of Nazis. Quantum runs up to a door. "It only opens from the inside," Silik says, before opening a mailbox and morphing through it. We get a really unflattering and strangely long look at his butt morphing as he slides through like an envelope. You know, when this series began I loved the morphing, but now I'm over it. I don't need to see anyone splitting the morphed peaches anymore. Oh, and here's a question: why are his boots able to morph as well? They aren't part of his genetic material, are they? It's like when the Dolt heals a wound and manages to knit up clothing material as well. See? Too much "Drama in the Daytime" with Charmed for me.
Reinforcement mobsters arrive with Alicia to help Krakko. Alicia can't even fire a gun properly -- after each round she squeezes off, she jerks her arm all the way back to her side and then has to stick it out again to fire. Not only do you waste time by having to reposition your arm each time you want to fire, but you lose what was left of your target. It looks stupid.
Silik opens the door for Quantum. The door to his heart.
Camel Taupe gets a report of the insurgents. Camel Taupe thinks it's fortuitous, and plans to leave the Nazis to deal with them while they make their escape.
After giving more orders to T'Pol, Quantum fiddles with the time machine. Silik stands guard and warns of Alienazis approaching. They are wearing lab coats. I find this funny. Silik hears a clang and tells Quantum to work fast, as the Alienazis are activating cranking up the time machine. An alarm sounds.
Aboard Enterprise, Reed announces Quantum's success and T'Pol orders the ship taken in closer.
Silik and Quantum fight off some Nazis.