Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Keckler: Back in Vegas over pink, purple, and green drinks with yellow spots at Quark's bar, Sara M and I hatched the plan to co-recap this movie. Since my eyes had finally healed after the gouging I gave them during Star Trek: The Motion Picture, it appeared I was ready for this Star Trek-Seventh Heaven crossover event.

I have a soft spot in my heart for this movie. It was the first Star Trek movie I saw in the theatre. In fact, when this movie came out, I wasn't even watching Star Trek at all. I don't know what made me go to see this movie, actually. I think it was because the title implied (to as yet un-Trekkified me) that it was the final movie of the series. The movie delighted me and I didn't even cotton on to half the references. It's just fun. That is, if you ignore Annie's shrillness.

We open with a nice tribute to Challenger. Man, I was in sixth grade when that happened.

Screeching noises zoom through space in the form of a big tin can with a volleyball hovering underneath it. The U.S.S. Saratoga can't figure out what it is, or what it's saying, and reports these helpful findings to Starfleet Command. The tin can and Wilson are on their way to Earth.

San Francisco. Golden Gate Bridge in the background, sh'pod landing pad in the fore. Dude. I live there now! A year later and I'm still not over that. The Klingon High Council wants Kirk to fry for killing Klingons in the last movie by luring them to Enterprise and then setting the ship to auto-destruct. An important-looking Klingon stands in front of a big movie screen as the Federation Council watches highlights. The Important-Looking Klingon paranoids how Kirk has conspired to annihilate the entire Klingon race with the Genesis device, and bellows through his muttonchops, "We demand the expedition of Kirk! We demand justice!" "Klingon justice is a unique point of view," a voice melodies from the darkness. Everyone mutters, "Sarek!" "Sarek?" "Sarek." I sigh, "Saaarek." Man, what is it about that family? They're all just so hot! Excluding Sybock, of course, because he doesn't really count. Ever. Sarek argues on Kirk's behalf, saying that the Klingons "shed the first blood" when trying to steal Genesis device. The Important-Looking Klingon yells a bit more. They argue a bit more. Sarek reminds Il Klingon that the Klingons murdered Kirk's son. More arguing. Finally, the Federation President (who bears an uncanny resemblance to Papa Smurf) steps in to say that Kirk is being brought up on nine counts of Starfleet violations. That's not good enough for Il Klingon, who storms out, bellowing that there won't be peace between the Federation and Klingons if Kirk lives. I know I'm not a distinguished diplomat of the future or anything, but to me the choice is simple: Kill Kirk.

Vulcan. Kirk and Ko. have been exiled on Vulcan for three months and, at Bones' suggestion, they have painted "H.M.S. Bounty" on their stolen Klingon ship. People, people, people -- let's face reality, okay? Any ship of Kirk's is really the Shatner Ship Booty. As Kirk determines that Uhura, Bones, Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov have voted unanimously to return to Earth with him to face the consequences of rescuing Spock, a Vulcan team rotates the tires on the S.S. Booty. This is where I have to ask: what's up with the red Papa Smurf hats the Vulcan pit crew are wearing? Do they want to be garden gnomes? I'm really scaring myself with all the Smurf references, actually. Scotty says that he'll have the S.S. Booty up and running in a day. Bones bitches about having to fly to their court-martial in a Klingon "flea trap." Kirk dabs a little Exposition from his brow and reminds Bones of the Klingon cloaking device the S.S. Booty possesses. Suddenly, Kirk gazes soulfully up at the pulsing red Vulcan mountains. A cloaked figure stands in the distance and gazes back at Kirk. What saucy Vulcan female has attracted the captain's girdled attentions? The cloaked figure turns on its heel and sashays down the mountain away from Kirk and his lynched-up loins. Kirk's face falls. His lip trembles.

The cloaked figure enters an adobe hut in the Mesa Verde cliff dwellings. It's Spock. He pulls off his hood and commands a computer to "resume testing." Spock puts himself through a barrage of tests where, to show how multi-tasking Vulcans are, three different questions are asked almost simultaneously. The final question, "How do you feel?" stumps Spock. He doesn't answer. The question is asked again. And again. Spock cocks his head at the computer and responds, "I do not understand the question." Spock's mother, Amanda, comes in from the room, where she was undoubtedly knitting pointed earmuffs, and asks what's wrong. Spock tells her he doesn't understand the question. "Well, you're half human," Amanda expositions-one-purls-two, "the computer knows that." Spock thinks the question is irrelevant. Amanda explains that since he's been "retraining" his mind in the Vulcan way, he might not yet understand feelings. "But, as my son, you have them. They will resurface," Amanda explains. "As you wish, since you deem them of value, but I cannot wait here to find them," Spock answers, rather illogically if you ask me. Spock goes on to explain that he has to return to Earth with Kirk and Ko., "to offer testimony." "You do this for friendship," Amanda states. "I do it because I was there," Spock points out, avoiding all inferences of emotional or romantic motives. Amanda asks about the good of the many outweighing the good of the one. Spock thinks he could live by that. "But then you stand here alive because of a mistake made by your flawed, feeling, human friends. They have sacrificed their future because they believed the good of the one -- you -- was more important to them," Amanda explains. Spock determines that humans make illogical decisions. "They do indeed," Amanda smiles. Amanda's cool.

Wilson screeches at the Saratoga and still no one can figure out that he just needs directions to Interspace 90. However, the screeches are screwing with all their systems and they can no longer reach Starfleet command.

In San Francisco, Brock "I'm Going to Be Bad in the Movie But Then Be Cast as Sisko's Father" Peters tells President Papa Smurf that Wilson the Probe is headed toward Earth, and they can't stop or communicate with it. Wilson's signal is damaging everything in its path and has already taken out two Klingon vessels. Brock pulls up the Yorktown on their viewscreen, and they listen to the captain's pre-recorded distress message. The Yorktown is losing life-support as their reserve power drains away. President Papa Smurf wonders if Brock will be able to protect Earth. Brock says they are deploying as many ships as they have, but Wilson is using forms of energy their scientists don't understand.

Vulcan. As Kirk and Ko. get ready for take-off, Saavik drops by for a last word before Robin Curtis drops into relative obscurity. "Sir, I have not had the opportunity [over the last three months, she hasn't had the opportunity?] to tell you about your son," Saavik begins. "Buttslash died most bravely. He saved Spock. He saved us all." And it's because of that bravery that he will be reincarnated as a druggie in TNG. Spock walks through the door. "And I have not had the opportunity to tell you about your son, either," Saavik tells him. Well, maybe her mouth doesn't tell him, but her eyes clearly do. Saavik and Spock bid each other Vulcan-ish farewells. Spock asks permission to come aboard. Kirk grants it, and reminds Spock that he used to call him "Jim." Spock doesn't think it's proper to first-name Kirk when he is in command. He's just in a snit because Kirk didn't come to see him last night. "Also," Spock continues, gesturing at his white terrycloth robe, "I must apologize for my attire. I seem to have...misplaced my uniform." In the sauna? Kirk smiles and tells him to take his station. Bones, who has been closely watching this exchange from the shadows, steps out and wonders if Spock is competent enough to serve: "I don't know if you've got the whole picture or not but he's not exactly working on all thrusters." No, he's working only on one thruster and that's what you're jealous of, isn't it? Kirk thinks "it'll come back to him." "Are you sure?" Bones demands. Kirk doesn't answer as he takes the captain's seat. "That's what I thought," Bones hmphs. They take off. Before escorting her to her L'maze class, Amanda stands with Saavik to watch the U.S.S. Booty leave the planet.

Wilson screeches his way to Spacedock. Spacedock tries to launch vessels to intercept Wilson, but all their stuff is inoperable. Wilson moves on to Earth. With effects that the Bellagio hotel will later rip off for their musical fountains, Wilson starts sucking sheets of sea water up to the sky. Time-lapse photography straight out of a nature program shows clouds billowing and collecting. Wilson screeches for a bathroom and a Krispy Kreme.

S.S. Booty zooms. Kirk and Ko. find it odd that there are no Federation escorts approaching, nor are their signs of Federation "wessels" on assigned patrol stations. Uhura is trying to sort out the multitude of comms that are overlapping and coming out as "gibberish." Bones sneaks over to Spock and sits down to him. "Hi. Busy?" he asks. Hee. This sidling scene just cracks me up. Spock gives Bones A Look: "Uhura is busy, I am monitoring." "Well, I just wanted to say that it's nice to have your katra back in your head and not in mine," Bones comments. Spock nods disinterestedly. "What I mean is, I may have carried your soul but I sure couldn't fill your shoes," Bones tries again. "My shoes?" Spock wonders. He's probably misplaced those as well. "Never mind," Bones sulks before beginning again, "Perhaps we could cover a little philosophical ground: life, death, life -- things of that nature?" "I did not have time on Vulcan to review the philosophical disciplines," Spock lies, since we heard that at least two of the barrage of tests were philosophical questions. "Come on, Spock, it's me -- McCoy! You really have gone where no man has gone before. Can't you tell me what it felt like?" Spock tells him it would be impossible to discuss without a common frame of reference. "You're joking," Bones stutters. "A joke is a...story with a humorous climax," Spock says, Data-like, as it all comes back to him. "You mean I have to die to discuss your insights on death?!" Bones blusters. "Forgive me, Doctor," Spock says, plugging his earpiece in, "I'm receiving a number of distress calls." Bones considers him silently: "I don't doubt it." BWAH! Bones leaves.

Bellagio effects. Time-lapse weather patterns. Starfleet Command reports power drainage and intense cloud coverage all over the world. The percentage of the planet covered by clouds is 78.6. Temperatures are also dropping rapidly. Brock sends out a red alert and switches emergency power to planetary reserves. As the lights fade in and out, we can sort of see Commander Nurse Chapel looking around in concern. She's trying to find her nonexistent lines. Brock reminds President Papa Smurf that even with planetary reserve power, they can't survive without the sun. Sarek walks in, and Pres. Papa Smurf tells him there's no way they can answer Wilson. "It is difficult to answer when one cannot understand the question," Sarek philosophizes. Normally, that kind of extremely non-helpful response drives me nuts, but I'd listen to Sarek read an actuarial report, so I don't mind. Sarek advises Pres. Papa Smurf to broadcast a planetary distress signal, while they still have time. Pres. Papa Smurf nods.

S.S. Booty. Uhura plays back the President Papa Smurf's planetary distress message, which basically tells everyone to stay away from Earth and save themselves. It's quite pathetically martyristic, actually. Wilson has almost totally ionized the atmosphere, no one has any power, and the oceans are being vaporized. In other words, four more years with Dubya. President Papa Smurf says that until they can find a way to communicate with Wilson, they're screwed. "Farewell," President Papa Smurf adds. Stricken, Kirk sits down. He gazes over at Spock and then rubs his forehead in despair, realizing that if they aren't court-martialed, they lose the chance of sharing a cozy little cell. Kirk asks Uhura to play back Wilson's transmission. The waves of screeches wash and over the ship. Kirk asks for Spock's opinion. "Most unusual. An unknown form of energy of great power and intelligence evidently unaware that its transmissions are destructive. I find it illogical that its intentions should be hostile." Bones is skeptical and sarcastic: "Really? You think this is its way of saying 'Hi, there!' to the people of Earth?" Spock sniffs at this: "There are other forms of intelligence on Earth, Doctor. Only human arrogance would assume that the message must be meant for man." In order for his krill-sized brain to process this, Kirk needs to repeat what Spock said: "You're suggesting that the transmission is meant for a life form other than man?" Spock thinks it's a possibility, and notes that President Papa Smurf said that Wilson was aiming at Earth's oceans.

And as Kirk starts to figure the whole thing out, I'm passing this over to Sara. Lead on, McRecapper.

Why, thank you, Keckler. I'm glad your eyes have recovered from your last 7th Heaven recapping experience. Sadly, mine have not. I've actually been recapping blind for the last six months.

Kirk asks Uhura to filter out the annoying volleyball noises into what one would hear if one, oh, say, lived in the ocean. And maybe had ears like a whale. A humpback whale, perhaps. Happy to finally have something to do, Uhura accomplishes the task in under two seconds. Well, it was good while it lasted, wasn't it, Uhura? She plays the filtered volleyball noises to the crew, and they're only slightly less aurally unpleasant. Spock calls the sounds "fascinating," because he kind of finds everything fascinating. He says that he has a hunch, and he's going to test it. Kirk follows, instructing Bones to stay behind. McCoy codgers that he's going with them because someone needs to control the madness. And also because he doesn't want to be stuck on the bridge with creepy Sulu for company.

Two screens flash 8-bit Nintendo-style graphics of various whales. Apparently, Klingons have a database of extinct Earth animal species on their ships, which I'm sure has come in useful for them approximately never times. The computer flashes a humpback whale graphic in the two colors it has available to it: orange and white. ["You know, it's a damn good thing this little Klingon scout ship has information on all of Earth's sea creatures downloaded into its computer." -- Keckler] Actually, there may have been some blue in there, too. Maybe those are actually Super-Nintendo-quality graphics. Spock claims that he knew all along that the probe was transmitting humpback whale songs, even though a few minutes ago he didn't even know what a joke was. McCoy is all annoyed, of course, that someone would be crazy enough to send a probe to talk to whales. Spock and Kirk theorize that some random alien culture with nothing better to do than talk to boring whales and the said boring whales have been in contact for a long time, but then when the evil humans killed off the species in the twenty-first century (that means this IS the century where we can finally say goodbye to those giant saltwater displacers, hooray!), and the aliens lost contact with the whales, they sent this probe to find out what happened.

Kirk has a plan: "Spockcould the humpbacksanswertothiscall?" And could they simulate humpback noises and play them for the probe? Spock nixes the idea; they don't know what the humpback/probe language is and would be talking in gibberish. Kirk asks if they can find humpback whales on any other planet. Perhaps there are some over at SeaWorld: Centuri 5? Unfortunately, no: Spock says they can only find humpback whales on Earth, in the past. Kirk says they'll just have to kick some probe ass, then. Spock, ever the pessimist, says there's no point to even trying that; the probe would drain their power like it did to the other ships that went after it. Kirk asks for alternatives. Spock's got one: they could try to find a humpback whale. McCoy doesn't like where this is going at all. "Spockstartyourcomputationsfor time warp!" Kirk orders.

Meanwhile, Starfleet Command is still having problems. Hey! There's Lwaxana Troi, ordering someone to give power to the medical facilities. It's either her or Nurse Chapel. Or the Computer. Or the first officer on Captain Pike's ship. Or whatever the hell other roles Majel slept her way into on this franchise. Did I say "slept"? I meant "auditioned." A team of men in orange jumpsuits runs in holding a futuristic-looking squeegee thing and prop it up against the windows to keep them from breaking. They should have just used masking tape. It worked for my family during Hurricane Gloria.

Kirk asks Scotty if he can convert an empty cargo bay into a water tank. Well, it's not totally empty -- I think this is the Klingon ship's attic, with all the dust and boxes. There's even a dress mannequin in the corner. Wait, that's not a dress mannequin, that's Bones! I knew it was him because mannequins don't look so angry. Scotty asks Kirk if he's trying to build a pool on their ship or something. Kirk says he actually wants a hot tub, and one big enough to fit himself and all his lady friends. And also two humpbacks. "Humpbackedpeople?" Scotty asks, wondering if even Kirk could be that desperate. Kirk explains that they're looking for whales, and leaves with Bones trailing behind him. Bones exposits Kirk's plan to Kirk -- in case he forgot, I guess. By the way, Bones thinks Kirk's plan to attempt to go back in time, find some whales, get them on the ship, and then go backto the future! (tm Christopher Lloyd) on the slim chance that the whales might be able to communicate with the probe and tell it to leave Earth alone is insane. Just in case you thought this would be the one time where Bones was all "a mission involving danger and a journey into the unknown? Sounds great!" Kirk asks Bones if he has any better ideas. Well, he can't have any that are worse.

Back at Starfleet, the roof is leaking. Apparently we still haven't found a cure for shoddy workmanship in the future. Starfleet receives an incoming message from Kirk, but the weather has made it all garbled. Even so, they hear enough of the message to know that Kirk is taking his ship back in time to get some whales. Then all the windows break and everyone freaks out. Except Sarek, who looks bored.

The S.S. Booty roars towards the sun! Inside, Kirk asks Spock where in time they're going. Spock can only say the late twentieth century; he couldn't make any calculations more specific than that, and most of the ones he used were from memory anyway. Kirk can't believe that Spock remembered all those calculations, but if he didn't think Spock knew all that stuff, why did he assign him this task in the first place? McCoy mutters, "Angels and ministers of grace, defend us," to which Spock responds by telling him exactly which Shakespeare play he's quoting from, and which act and scene it appears in. I have upsetting flashbacks to the quote identification quizzes I used to have during my college Shakespeare class. Kirk tells the crew to get the ship ready for awesomeness, then spouts his own Shakespeare quote because he just can't be outdone by anyone in anything ever.

Sulu puts the ship in warp. Around Warp 4, stuff starts falling off the counters. At Warp 6, the ship starts shaking. Man, those Klingons just don't know how to build solid ships anymore. At Warp 9.6, Chekov just stops working entirely and sits back to watch the action. At Warp 9.8, the wall to Uhura explodes. But she's okay, which is good, because how could the crew possibly function without a keystone like Uhura?

Super-exciting trumpets play us towards the sun and back around the other side. And here's where things get a little weird, because we're about to get a peek into Kirk's scary subconscious -- at least, the small part of it that isn't devoted to sex and boobs and sex with boobs. We see Kirk sitting in his chair. Suddenly, we're in a strange gray tunnel. And then a gray sculpture of Scotty's head comes up from the ground. At least, I think it's supposed to be his head; it looks more like a pre-shaved Alex Trebek. This morphs into what is probably supposed to be Uhura, but totally looks like the sculpture that blind lady made of Lionel Richie in the "Hello" video. Sulu's head pops up , then it morphs into Chekov. Then McCoy's face pops up, and even in sculpture weird timewarp fantasy form, he's pissed off. McCoy morphs into Spock. Kirk's head pops up last, and it looks even more like the Lionel Richie sculpture than Uhura did. And now we're looking at a whale-shaped block of clay. That turns into a naked man, who I hope hope hope isn't supposed to be Kirk, who goes flying into a white and blue wind tunnel thing and Quantum Leap totally stole that. ["SO stolen!" --Keckler] Flying naked mannequin dives into some water in slow motion. The water bubbles, then turns into a pond. With reeds sticking out of it. And then the screen goes red and we're back on the bridge with Kirk. Dude, I don't even know what just happened. ["It's only Nimoy trying to be all like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it really comes out like 'Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy.' Just ignore him." -- Keckler] I forgot that that segment ever even existed in this movie until Keckler reminded me, because I'm pretty sure I blocked it out along with my other assorted childhood traumas. And -- there! I've managed to block it out again. Last thing I remember, the Klingon ship was flying towards Earth.

Kirk wakes up. "That dream was crazy, yo," he says, "no more time-traveling before bedtime for me!" Kirk wakes up the rest of his crew, who apparently thought that saving Earth wasn't so important that they couldn't take a power nap before really embarking on the mission. Either that, or time travel is just exhausting! Sulu looks a little freaked out as he wakes up, which makes me wonder what exactly he was dreaming about, until I remember that I don't ever want to see inside Sulu's subconscious because the regular Sulu creeps me out enough as it is. Kirk gets Earth on the viewscreen and asks Spock when they are. Spock says that the pollution content of the atmosphere indicates that they are in the late twentieth century. Kirk is psyched, but McCoy just sits there shaking his head and looking very sad. Spock cuts the self-celebration period short and tells Kirk to engage the cloaking device so they aren't detected by anyone on Earth. Like Reagan's missile-defense satellite system. Oh, except that never actually worked.

Sulu and Spock steer the ship towards San Francisco, and Uhura is pleased to report that she's "receiving whale song!" Damn, that crazy earpiece of hers is good. Uhura says that, strangely, the whales seem to be in San Francisco. I don't know why that's so strange. Maybe they wanted to check out those famous bathhouses.

Down in Engineering, Scotty asks Kirk to check out a "serious problem." It turns out that the time-traveling totally wrecked the dilithium crystals. Way to calculate, Spock. They've got twenty-five hours before the ship loses cloaking power, and they definitely can't travel back to the twenty-third century. Kirk asks Scotty if he can maybe "re-crystallize" the dilithium, to which Scotty says they can't even do that in the twenty-third century.

Kirk and Spock walk down a hallway, and Spock has an idea. Maybe they could find some fusion reactors, and make a device that would collect the reactors' photons and inject those into the crystals, thereby re-crystallizing them. Oh, so I guess it can be done after all. Nice critical error there, Scotty. Spock suggests they check out a naval vessel to find some reactors.

The rest of the bridge crew checks out the San Francisco skyline. From the sky. "San Francisco," Sulu bass-tones, "I was born there." No one cares about this. Kirk orders him to set the ship down in Golden Gate Park, like, wouldn't a less-populated area be a better place? The ship may be invisible, but, as we'll soon find out, it's still a solid. Kirk tells everyone the plan he just thought of: Uhura and Chekov will find the nuclear reactors. McCoy, Sulu, and Scotty will make a whale tank. "Oh, joy," McCoy snarks, folding his arms. I have to agree with him there; that mission does kind of suck. Plus he's stuck with Scotty, who will keep stopping for food, and Sulu, who will keep stopping to tell boring stories about himself. Spock and Kirk get the glory mission, of course: they'll be finding those whales. And, in the latter's case, some hot San Francisco tail.

Kirk tells everyone to be careful; many of the primitive Earthlings' customs will be shocking to them. At this, McCoy just smiles and stares at Spock until it dawns on Kirk that Spock looks a little different than everyone else. Spock rips off a strip of his terrycloth robe and ties it around his head, serving to both cover his ears and fit in with the aerobic fad of the time. He'll be the coolest guy in the town. McCoy shakes his head, smiling, because everything Spock does is really kind of cute to him when it isn't infuriating. Kirk tells everyone they'll have a phaser and a communicator, but they should be careful about using either. And he tells anyone in uniform to remove their rank and insignia, although, why? I think they'd kind of make them look more like people of the '80s than not. Also, why isn't everyone in uniform? Did Kirk, Uhura, and Scotty forget to donate a dollar for Casual Friday?

Sulu lands the ship. Down in "Golden Gate Park," placed in quotes because Keckler informs me that this is totally not Golden Gate Park and I'll believe her, two garbage men are being simple blue-collar late-twentieth-century kinda guys. Then an invisible ships lands to them and they're all "huh?" and also "ack!" because the gusts of wind the landing ship creates are blowing beer bottles and stuff in their faces. Way to check to make sure there weren't any innocent bystanders around before you landed the ship, Sulu. Or maybe he did it on purpose. I've always thought there was something a littlesociopath-ish about Mr. Sulu. In a totally awesome display of '80s special effects, a garage can is flattened, and the ground it rests upon is indented in the shape of what I guess are the Klingon ship's surprisingly tiny landing pads.

The garbage men barely have time to collect themselves when a thin shaft of bright light appears in the air. A walkway comes out of it and lowers itself to the ground, and the garbage men decide that they're going to leave now. They take off. Down the walkway comes the crew. "Everybody remember where we parked!" says Kirk. Golden Gate Park, 4th floor, center row B. As the crew walk away from the ship, the unmistakable sound of synthesized drum beats reminds us exactly when we are.

Suddenly, it's daytime, and San Francisco is bustling! So bustling that when the crew tries to cross a street, Kirk almost gets hit by a car. "Watch where you're going, you dumb-ass!" the driver shouts. Never one to back down from a challenge, especially when the rest of his crew is watching, Kirk spits back, "Welldouble-dumb-ass on you!" Although really, the only double ass in this scene is, of course, the rotund Mr. Scott. Kirk turns around to look back at the crew all, "Can you believe that guy? I know!" In a wider shot, we see the crew walking across the street. Kirk and the driver are still making hand gestures at each other, and Sulu joins in with a stop-and-point. As awesome as that scene was, I would have loved to have seen what would have happened if it was Bones who got called a dumb-ass. ["I'm sorry, the 'double-dumb-ass' gets me every time. I get to laughing so hard, I can't see straight." --Keckler]

Just in case you thought the movie may have gone flying back to the twenty-third century while you were blinking, we see a newspaper headline that reads "Nuclear Arms Talks Stalled." The group stops at the newspaper box so that McCoy can talk about how crappy humans were in the twentieth century and put his hands on his hips in disgust. And when he does that, and stands sideways, you can see how ridiculously thin this man is. Seriously, he's competing with the nearby telephone pole for the "skinniest thing on the block" award. And he's winning. I wonder if something happened between the time when Star Trek went off the air and the movies started, some kind of experiment where all of DeForest Kelley's body fat was instantly transferred to James Doohan.

Kirk decides that they'll need to get some money. He grabs Spock and tells the rest of them to sit tight. They stand around, looking clueless, until Kirk tells them to "break up" and look nonchalant. Scotty does this just fine, leaning against the telephone pole and making conversation with Sulu. Everyone else just kind of turns around a couple times. Kirk gives up, exasperated, although I don't think he's one to talk, considering that he's with a guy in a giant flowing bathrobe so he's not exactly Mr. Casual, is he?

An antique dealer appraises Kirk's "eighteenth-century" glasses. He says they're "very valuable." Kirk asks how valuable, at which point Spock asks Kirk if those glasses aren't the ones McCoy gave him for his birthday. "And they will be again, that's the beauty of it," Kirk says. Oh, will they? Or has the fact that you sold these glasses alter the course of time so that you never get them because they never wind up in whatever shop McCoy brought them from? Or were those glasses in that shop because Kirk sold them back in the twentieth century? I don't understand time travel, but I'm sure at least one of you will email to explain it to me. The antique dealer only offers Kirk a hundred dollars because the lenses aren't intact, since Kirk broke those in like the second movie because Kirk doesn't know how to treat nice things. He's like the kid you gave a truck to for his birthday and then you went to his house the day and the wheels had already been torn off. Kirk asks if a hundred dollars is a lot. "Hmm," says the antique dealer, being honest.

Back on the street corner, Kirk divvies up the money amongst the crew as a particularly unfortunate example of bad '80s fashion walks by. Is she wearing a knee-length oversized black blazer with shoulder pads? Yes. How about a big dowdy sweater-blouse? Yes. And tight capris and a head full of teased-up hair serve to complete the ensemble. Everyone scatters, leaving Kirk and Spock to find themselves some whales. Kirk asks Spock how they can find them. Spock says he will very logically use a nearby map. Kirk gets bored in about three seconds and starts looking around. He sees an advertisement on a passing bus. You can see humpback whales George and Gracie at the Cetacean Institute in Sausalito and have a whale of good time too! Kirk rudely interrupts Spock's clever calculations to tell him he knows exactly where the whales are. Because of logic. And because of having ADD. Kirk and Spock board the bus, only to be thrown right back off again. "What does it mean, 'exact change'?" Spock asks, because he apparently didn't take the English Mastery Course back at the Vulcan Memory Retrieval Institute.

McCoy asks Scott how they can find a whale tank as Sulu looks around, taking in the San Francisco scenery and generally trying to get some audience attention. It turns out he doesn't need to do any of that, because the LEATHER CAPE he's wearing does it all already. That's right, folks: Sulu is wearing a leather cape. Like, as part of his normal, everyday outfit. Now that makes a statement. I'm not sure what that statement is, but it's there, and you can't ignore it.

Scotty says he can build a tank out of transparent aluminum, but Sulu points out that that hasn't been invented yet. Too bad, because if I could have the wrapping power of tin foil combined with the transparency of Saran Wrap for my leftovers, I'd be a happy camper. The group wonders where they can possibly find the twentieth-century equivalent of transparent aluminum, then stand around cluelesslyin front of a giant advertisement for the Yellow Pages. That's the second time an advertisement has been used to help the Enterprise crew on this mission. I can't figure out if this movie trying to tell us something about the usefulness of a capitalist society or how evil the waste and paranoia it creates is.

And now, Keckler.

Uhura and Chekov put away their own yellow pages at a public phone, and Chekov says he found "it" under "U.S. Government," "Now we need die-rections," he says. They look around and spot a cop giving out parking tickets. This might be my favorite part of the entire movie. It might be considered a cheap laugh, but it never fails to get a hearty one out of me. "Excuse me sir," Chekov begins, "can you direct me to the nawal base in Alameda?" The cop stares at him through his dark glasses and says nothing. "It's where they keep nuclear wessels," Chekov clarifies to him. Still nothing. Chekov looks at Uhura, who nods encouragingly. "Nu-cle-ar wessels," Chekov sounds out to the cop. Zip. Chekov turns away, and Uhura stops people on the street. They're still standing in full view of the staring and impassive cop. "Excuse me, we are looking for nuclear wessels," Chekov calls out to random passersby. No one stops. "Hello, we are looking for nuclear wessels in Alameda -- could you tell me vhere --" Uhura finally grabs a woman and asks for her help. "Ve are looking for the nawal base in Alameda -- could you tell me vhere the nuclear wessels are?" Chekov begins again. "Oh, I don't know if I know the answer to that," the woman says, scratching her head, "I think it's across the bay." She starts to walk away and adds, "In Alameda." "That's vhat I said: Alameda -- I know zat," Chekov gripes. "But where is Alameda!?" Uhura demands of the air.

MUNI crossing the Golden Gate Bridge. A punk rocker with studded leather chokers, orange Mohawk, and a blasting boom box annoys Kirk and Spock. I crack up that the punk lyrics are "Just where is our future, the things we've done and said / Let just push the button -- we'd be better of de-ad / 'Cuz Oiiii, hate you / And oiiii BE-RATE YOU!" Kirk asks the punk if he'd mind shutting off "that noise." The Punk turns up the volume and sneers at Kirk. Kirk and Spock exchange a look. "Excuse me," Kirk tries again, leaning forward and shouting. "Would you mind stopping that damn noise?" The punker flicks Kirk off just as his lyrics scream, "SCREW YOU!" Being that the punk is played by Shatner's son-in-law, I wonder if he derived any pleasure from that flick-off. Kirk looks at Spock, who leans forward and nerve-pinches the punk into unconsciousness. The punk's head slams onto the boom box, shutting it off. The entire bus cheers and claps. I have to say that none of the MUNI drivers I've encountered would actually wait around for a Vulcan to dispatch an annoyance like that. Dude would be off the bus. Without a transfer. Spock wants to know what's up with Kirk's language since they reached 1986: "It's currently laced with -- shall I say -- more colorful metaphors: 'double-dumb-ass on you' and so forth." Hee, the "double dumb-ass" is hysterical enough, but then you add the "on you" and I lose all control. "You mean the profanity? That's simply the way they talk here. Nobody pays any attention unless you swear every other word," Kirk explains. Spock nods sagely. "You'll find it in all the literature of the period," Kirk adds. "For example?" Spock asks. "Well, The Collected Works of Jacqueline Susann, the novels of Harold Robbins," Kirk lists. "Ah! The giants," Spock comments. Just take a moment to imagine Kirk reading Valley of the Dolls. He's probably got "I have to get up at five o'clock in the morning and SPARKLE, Neely, SPARKLE!" taped to his mirror, and I'm sure there's more than one person on the Star Trek set that would have loved to pull off his various wigs.

Kirk and Spock arrive at the Cetacean Institute and join Annie's tour. God, she's really got a grating voice, doesn't she? ["YES." -- Sara M] What a fishwife. Get it? Whales...fish? Yes, I know that whales aren't fish, god. Shut up. Blah blah blah whale-cakes. A tourist wants to know if whales attack people, "Like in Moby Dick?" "Ah, the all-important Moby Dick reference that ensures the success of any Star Trek movie," the Evil Dr. Mathra comments, "although, not so much in Star Trek VI, where the only whale was Scotty." More unnecessary whale info from Annie, specially anvilled to get our dander up about the way we're currently treating whales and their environment. All the tourists look properly disgusted by the video of whalers slicing up almost-extinct blue whales for their blubber. "To hunt a creature to extinction is illogical," Spock intones. "Whoever said the human race was logical?" Annie non-zings. Annie takes them outside to meet her whales. The only two humpback whales in captivity. More whale info as Kirk sizes the pair up for their needs. "They wandered into San Francisco Bay as calves and were brought here -- we call them George and Gracie," Annie simps with wet eyes. The whales spray water all over the tourists. They laugh delightedly. See, I wouldn't find that fun, I'd find it gross. I mean, aside from the golf balls, who knows what is going on in the suspiciously moist depths of a whale's blowhole? It's like having someone blow their nose on you. Annie grates on that they have to return George and Gracie to the open sea because they can't afford to keep them any longer. "How soon?" Kirk wonders. "Soon," Annie evades, and says how sad it is because they're so friendly and she's grown quite attached to them. If, as Annie claimed earlier, the whales are the star attractions to the Cetacean Institute, wouldn't they be earning their keep? What else will bring droves of paying tourists to Sausalito? The Pepperidge Farm cookies? ["But that institute is full of interesting stuff! Like that filmstrip! And...umthat staircase? Never mind." -- Sara M] Annie leads them to underground windows where they can see George and Gracie underwater. Why are there always nuns in tour scenes? Annie explains they are listening to recorded whale songs as son by the male. Kirk starts looking frantically around for Spock. His face freezes suddenly. In the tank, we see Spock swimming to the whales. Annie goes on that they still don't know what the whale songs mean. In the crowd, Kirk dramatically claps his hand to his face as Spock starts mind-melding with the whales. Annie's still blathering on about all the possible interpretations of whale songs. "Maybe he's singing to that man!" an old lady announces. Annie finally turns around and catches sight of Spock's fairly nice butt in his tighty-whities. "What the HELL?" Annie bellows, and dashes off. Kirk follows.

Spock surfaces and puts his terrycloth robe back on over his curiously Roman-like tunic. Annie demands, "Who the hell are you and what the hell were you doing in there?" "Yes, speak up!" Kirk adds. "Attempting the hell to communicate," Spock calmly explains. Annie goes ballistic. Spock tells Kirk that if they just assumed the whales were theirs to do with as they pleased, they'd be just as guilty as those who hunted them to extinction. Annie's really mad now and orders them out of the CetIns before she calls the cops. Kirk tells her they're just trying to help. "The hell you were, buster, your friend was messing up my tanks and messing up my whales," Annie fumes. "They like you, but they are not the hell your whales," Spock tells her. "I suppose they told you that, huh?" Annie says, crossing her arms. "The hell they did," Spock says. Every time Spock says "the hell," it's flat and toneless and so very funny. Annie really doesn't believe them. Maybe if her husband brings over a Bible, she can make them swear on it.

Spock and Kirk stroll down a boardwalk. They're actually at Ft. Point -- back on the San Francisco side of the Golden Gate -- even though they are still supposed to be over in Sausalito. You can see the hills of Sausalito past the bridge. It's pretty, but it's wrong. Kirk thinks Spock should quit with the "colorful metaphors" because he hasn't quite "got the knack of it." Kirk adds that Spock shouldn't feel the need to always tell the truth. "I can't lie," Spock says. Yes, you can. Kirk doesn't want him to lie, exactly, just exaggerate the truth. "You did it before -- can't you remember?" "The hell I can't," Spock muses. In mind-melding with them, Spock learned that the whales are unhappy with the way humans have treated them, and thinks he was able to successfully communicate what it is Kirk and Ko. want to do.

Back at the Cetacean Institute, Annie moons over the whales and talks to a co-worker about the whales' fate. Bob the co-worker says, "We can't keep them here with out risking their lives and we can't let them go without taking the same chance." Annie, all exasperated, says she knows all this. "And besides, we're not talking about human beings here -- it's never been proven that their intelligence --" Bob the Co-Worker starts before Annie completely loses her shit all over him. "Oh, COME ON, BOB! I don't know about you but my compassion for someone is not limited to my estimate of their intelligence!" And that, in a nutshell, explains her affection for all her SevHev kids. Annie storms off, leaving Bob the Co-Worker with the realization that he's not getting any that night.

Chekov and Uhura scamper along a beach. A tanker looms in the distance. Chekov comms Kirk that they've found the required nuclear wessel. "Well done, Team Two," Kirk responds. "And Admiral, it is the Enterprise," Chekov grins. Kirk exchanges a look with Spock and asks Chekov what their plan is. "We'll beam in tonight, collect the photons and beam out -- no one will ever know," Chekov shrugs back. Why do they even need to beam in? Can't they just beam the photons over? Kirk hangs up just as Annie pulls up in a battered blue pick-up truck. "There she is," Kirk points out, "from the Institute, if we play our cards right we may be able to find out when those whales are leaving?" "How will playing cards help?" Spock wonders. Okay, Spock, enough of the playing dumb -- it doesn't suit you. After some tiresome "cute" banter, Annie offers them a ride back to the city, after first ascertaining that Spock's not crazy. Kirk offers that Spock was part of the free-speech movement at Berkeley in the sixties and might have done a little too much "LDS." For some reason, Annie doesn't put pedal to metal and immediately squeal away from them. Oh, wait, it's because she's got a thing for "hard-luck cases," which is why she works with whales. And marries ministers with wandering gumballs. ["And sports that hairstyle." -- Sara M]

Spock and Kirk get in the car, and Annie warns them, "And don't try anything because I've got a tire iron right where I can get at it." Do they even know what that means? "So, you were at Berkeley?" Annie starts. "I was not," Spock responds. Annie looks at them. "Memory problems, too," Kirk explains. Annie wants to know "what the hell" they were really doing with the whales. "It wasn't some kind of macho thing, was it? Because if that's all, I'll be real disappointed -- I really hate that macho stuff." Does anyone use the word "macho" any more? Kirk doesn't answer her, but instead asks what's going to happen to the whales once they're released. Annie bitches that they will be at risk from whale hunters just like every other humpback, and wants to know what Spock meant when he was talking about extinction. "I meant --" Spock starts to say, but Kirk interrupts him with, "Hemeant...what you said on your tour...thatifthings...keep going the way they are, the humpbacks will disappear forever." "No, that's not what he said, Farm Boy [Kirk told her earlier that he was from Iowa, to which she responded, 'Landlubber,' because she's all about the name calling], he said, 'Admiral, if we were to assume these whales were ours to do with as we pleased we'd be as guilty as those who caused' -- PAST TENSE -- 'their extinction.' I have a photographic memory, I SEE words." That last line, more than ANY other line in this movie, makes me want to put my fist through my television set and rip out the innards.

Spock looks at Kirk and wonders if it isn't time for a colorful metaphor. Annie sighs in exasperation and wonders, "You're not one of those guys from the military, are you? Trying to teach whales to retrieve torpedoes, or some dipshit stuff like that?" "No ma'am, no dipshit," Kirk promises. Now, I've seen a lot of movies with a lot more swearing than this -- hell, some of my recaps could make paint decide to take a vacation -- but this whole "dipshit" exchange seemed so...gratuitous. ["I recall being quite scandalized by it when I first saw this movie, but then, I was, like, five when it came out. And kind of lame." -- Sara M] "Gracie is pregnant," Spock volunteers. Annie slams on the brakes and the tires squeal. I really don't know how you can get tires to squeal when you're only going five miles an hour IN A PARKING LOT! Annie demands to know how Spock knows this and who they are. Kirk says they can't tell her that, but he can tell her that they aren't the military -- well, not in this century -- and they aren't going to hurt the whales. Kirk goes on that they might be able to help in ways she can't even imagine. "Or believe, I'll bet," Annie snips. Kirk agrees and says she's not catching them at their best. "That much is certain," Spock agrees sincerely. Kirk suggests they all go to dinner. Annie considers this for a moment and asks, "You guys like Italian?" "Yes," says Kirk just as Spock says, "No." There's a lot of "Yes"/"No" back and forth -- which is really much funnier than I can recap -- before it ends with Kirk finally saying, "Yes." Spock pauses and says, "No." "Yes, I love Italian," Kirk says. "And so do you," he adds to Spock. "Yes," Spock says, looking at Annie. Do they not have Italian food in the future? Or Italian people who make food?

Bones and Scotty worm their way into a Plexiglas company and speak to the man in charge. Bones pretends to be agog that no one knew Professor Scott was coming all the way from Edinburgh to meet with the owner of the company. "I've tried to clear things up, Professor Scott," Bones explains, gesturing wildly at a slow and confused Scotty, "I've explained that you'd come all the way from Edinburgh on appointment to study methods of manufacturing from Plexicorp, but they don't seem to know anything about it." Scotty finally catches on and starts pacing "angrily." "Don't know anything about it!? I find it hard to believe that I've come millions of miles --" "Thousands," Bones says out of the corner of his mouth. Is Scotty really that dumb? They always make him out to be such a buffoon in all the movies. I mean, unless I'm gravely mistaken, Scotland is the same distance from California in the future as it is in 1986. Sure, there might be some continental drift, but not that would turn thousands into millions. "Thousands of miles on an invited tour..." Scotty continues to blather before Mr. Plexicorp assures him that he will take him around the plant personally. Scotty cheers right up. "May my assistant join us?" he asks, gesturing grandly at Bones. "Don't bury yourself in the part," Bones crabs.

Sulu, tricked out in that weird leather cape that he clearly bought in the Castro, wheedles his way into the cockpit of a helicopter and starts sweet-talking the pilot. He loves those flyboys.

Keckler leaves me with a totally boring shot of men washing something that only serves to illustrate that in 1986, two out of three PlexiCorp employees preferred moustaches over a naked upper lip. The PlexiCorp guy leads Scotty and Bones into his office. PlexiCorp Guy compliments Scotty on his "impressive" knowledge of engineering, to which Bones says they call him the "Miracle Worker" back home. Well, they call him that to his face. Behind his back, he's called the "Miracle Porker." Pop quiz, PlexiCorp Guy hotshot: how thick would your Plexiglas have to be to hold a crapload of water in a huge tank? PlexiCorp Guy is all over this: "Six inches. We carry stuff that big in stock." And you'd think this would be good enough for Scotty and he'd just order it and be on his merry way to McDonald's, but no. He has to go mucking about in the timeline by offering to show PlexiCorp Guy a way to manufacture a material that could do the same job as the Plexiglas, but at only an inch thick. An inch? That's not very impressive. I expect my future fish tank wall material to be only a millimeter thick at the most.

PlexiCorp Guy doesn't believe Scotty's inch claim ["No one believes Scotty's inch claim. Ew." -- Keckler], so Bones asks if they can use his computer to prove it. Scotty sits in front of the computer and begins: "Computer. [pause] Computer?" The computer does not answer, because it's, like, an Apple IIGS so the only noise it can make is that horrible rattling sound whenever you insert a floppy disk. Bones picks up a mouse and hands it to Scotty. Scotty's all, "Oh, right." Then he puts the mouse to his mouth and says, sweetly, "Hello, Computer." That scene always cracks me up. ["Aw, me too!" -- Keckler] PlexiCorp Guy isn't quite so amused, and he instructs Scotty to use the keyboard. "How quaint," says Scotty, then, after a few hesitant keystrokes, goes wild and crazy, typing in commands and making pictures of compound molecules and stuff come flying up on the screen. For a guy who didn't know how to get the computer to even respond a second ago, Scotty sure got the hang of that fast.