“ We hear what captioning would have us believe is a 'fiery noise,' but I think it's just someone scuffing their hands down the Styrofoam rocks. Schmear turns around, filled with fear. And now the cameraman is the attacker as this big hairy blanket surges up and throws itself on Schmear. ”
We zoom up on a planet and pan across a painted backdrop that's supposed to be sensitive equipment and stuff in caves. Wow. That backdrop would be, like, amazing work for a show like Pinky and the Brain, but for this? It's just so lousy. Come to think of it, even the folks at Pinky and the Brain could do better. A man in an orange Jeffrey Dahmer jumpsuit skulks around the caverns and demands, "Who's there?" of his echo. A couple more orange jumpsuits join him, assuring them it's only them. You know, the one thing I really admire about these old cave sets is how early they picked up on the sparkly make-up trend. And then the Bog of Eternal Stench started wearing it in the eighties. Caves are such trendsetters. Sets today wouldn't be caught dead sparkling on the cavewalk -- it's matte foundation all the way to minimize the greasy effect.
The Jumpsuits talk about some "thing" that's killed fifty people. "I neveh realized befoah how dahk it is down'ere," a Jumpsuit says. Head Jumpsuit tells "Schmitter" (I thought he said "Schmear") to keep on his toes with his phaser at the ready. I'm not really sure what's up with all the Brooklyn Tawk here, but it's like the actors are trying to take on the personas of New York Metro workers: they're underground, it's dark, there's a killer on the loose, and they have these accents. Schmear babbles about how useless their phasers are since all "dose udder" people got killed. Head Jumpsuit apologizes that Schmear's such a yellowbelly but explains that they need guards. He tells Schmear to call out if he needs help: "Someone will be here in tree minutes." "A lot can happen in tree minutes," Schmear grins nervously before confirming that Enterprise is on her way to rescue them. He wonders if the ship can get there in the four hours. "You'll be all right," Head Jumpsuit says, clapping him on the shoulder. Schmear is so smeared. With a little bit of lox. Schmear walks around in circles before we hear what captioning would have us believe is a "fiery noise," but I think it's just someone scuffing their hands down the Styrofoam rocks. Schmear turns around, filled with fear. And now the cameraman is the attacker as this big hairy blanket surges up and throws itself on Schmear. Hearing the scream, the Jumpsuits all run back to Schmear. "Schmear," Head Jumpsuit says. "Like the rest of them. Burned to a crisp." That's what happens when you eat pizza without blowing on it first.
Kirk logs that a distress call from the pergium miners on Janus VI has brought them to "that long established colony." See, it will be important later that they are "long established" and not just "nouveau established." Spock, Bones, and Kirk beam down to meet with Head Jumpsuit, whose name happens to be Vanderberg. He must be Dutch. Kirk wants to know when "the monster" started killing people. "About three months ago, we opened up a new level. Sensors gave us an unusually rich pergium reading -- not only pergium but whatever you want: uranium, serium, platinum." What about fakeium? Kirk expositions that if mining conditions weren't so difficult, the planet could supply the mineral needs of a thousand planets. Vanderberg goes on that mining equipment started to disintegrate and disappear, but their chemists couldn't analyze the corrosive element. When they sent people to see to the corroded equipment, they were later found deep-fried. The most recent burnt offering happened two days ago. "I'd like to examine the body," Bones announces. Vanderberg readily agrees: "We kept it for you -- there isn't much left." Just enough for a light lunch. Bones leaves. "It isn't pretty," Vanderberg tells Kirk and Spock. Leftovers never are -- they just get jumbled into those tin foil swans. Although they don't use tin foil swans anymore, do they? Now it's all Chinese take-away boxes or Styrofoam. Restaurants used to be so much more creative.
Star Trek: The Original Series: "Devil in the Dark"
“ We still haven't gotten any sort of look at the thing. I'm thinking it's to build up the dramatic tension, so we're really scared time we eat at an Italian restaurant. ”
Another Jumpsuit -- this one in lavender -- happens by and says he has seen it. "Describe it," Kirk orders. "I can't," Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly says, "I only got a glimpse of it, but it was big and shaggy." "And oddly enough, I was left with an intense craving for Papa John's," the Evil Dr. Mathra adds. Vanderberg says Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly shot it. "You mean, shot at it," Spock clarifies. "No," Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly says, all indignant, "I shot it. With this." He holds up his phaser. "A good, clean shot. Didn't even slow it down," Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly adds. Vanderberg says he's given his report and if the Federation wants pergium, they're going to have to do something about the monster. "That's why we're here, Mr. Vanderberg," Kirk says calmly. "You're all pretty tough, aren't you? With your starship and your phaserbanks," Lavender Blue Dilly Dilly snits. "Well, you can't get your starship into the tunnels." Dude, what's your major personality disorder? They're there to save you from the stuffed crust with cheese -- cool it. As Kirk tells Vanderberg all the stuff they need from him, Spock picks up a silver medicine ball from a stand on Vanderberg's desk. Testing the weight, Spock asks Vanderberg about the ball. Vanderberg tells him they found millions of the silicon nodules in the caverns: "They have no commercial value." He must keep it because it looks so pretty on his desk. "But it's a geological oddity to say the least -- pure silicon?" Spock wonders. "A few trace elements," Vanderberg says, before blustering that they didn't call Enterprise out there to collect rocks. Kirk assures Vanderberg they'll get the job done. Vanderberg tells him to be quick about it because he's got a quota to meet. He leaves. Spock has this great look on his face like, "What crawled up his butt and made spicy marinara sauce?"
Another Jumpsuit wanders the caverns and gets attacked by the cameraman throwing a blanket over him. This time we sort of cruise along with the blanket as it makes "fiery noises" through the tunnels before making a perfect circle in the wall through which it exits. We still haven't gotten any sort of look at the thing. I'm thinking it's to build up the dramatic tension, so we're really scared time we eat at an Italian restaurant.
Kirk hypothesizes with Spock, Bones, and Vanderberg, but he's interrupted by the lights flashing. Vanderberg shouts that there's something happening in the reactor room. In the caves, Bones examines the charcoal outline of the toasted Jumpsuit while Kirk and Spock are stymied by the perfectly round hole in the wall. Kirk stretches out his hand but Spock cautions, "I wouldn't touch it, Captain -- an extremely active corrosive." Vanderberg snaps at them to hurry up, and they crawl through the hole into the reactor room. Apparently the blanket has made off with some floozlebinder needed to run the reactor. Enterprise has nothing like it on board. Ooh, the tension is rising, because the reactor pump supplies heat, air, and life support for the whole colony, but without the floozlebinder, they'll be flooded with radiation. Kirk sums this up for us: "We seem to have been given a choice: death by asphyxiation or death by radiation poisoning." "Do you think either of those are going to appear on a Bennigan's menu anytime soon -- right to 'Death by Chocolate'?" the Evil Dr. Mathra wonders.
Star Trek: The Original Series: "Devil in the Dark"
“ Kirk walks around the desk and leans over the medicine ball, trying to use his chest to attract the Vulcan's attention. Unfortunately, since Shatner's nipples aren't putting in an appearance -- something about demanding three hundred thousand dollars per episode plus insisting on undisclosed quan-titties of Tiger Balm in their dressing room -- he fails. ”
Scotty's really skeptical that he can help the colony out with their technical problems. He's taken on the tone of someone who's just been asked if they can attach a punch card reader to his Blackberry. You know, ever since Scotty told Geordi in "Relics" that he should always lie about engineering deadlines, I don't put too much stock in anything he says. Regardless, he's gonna try his best to please his captain and beam down in a few days.
Kirk and Vanderberg piss and moan a bit about the reactor breaking and the miners dying at the hands of a Wombo Combo. Vanderberg wants to find the pizza and kill it where it bakes in a wood-burning oven.
Spock thinks that the blanket stole the floozlebinder on purpose. "You...think...the...creature...is...tryingtoPUSH...the...colonists...offtheplanet?" Kirk asking, pouring out some coffee. Spock does. While Bones just stands there and sort of reacts to their cerebral conversation, Kirk and Spock decide that they can't figure out why the blanket chose to strike now when the colonists have been there for over fifty years. Spock walks over to the medicine ball and theorizes, "Life as we know it is universally based on some combination of carbon compounds -- but what if life exists based on another element?" Intrigued, Kirk sips his coffee. "For instance...silicon," Spock reveals. The music really wants us to be amazed by this revelation. In fact, Kirk is SO intrigued, he lowers his cup without even taking a sip! Bant-BAN! Bones laughs at Spock's "fantasies." If I heard some of Spock's fantasies, I don't think laughter would be my reaction. Ahem. Of course, Kirk shuts Bones down, saying, "I've heard of a theoretical possibility of life being based on silicon." Yeah, but then the dot-coms went bust. And just WHERE do they get off trying to convince ME that in his spare time KIRK is listening to Talk of the Federation: Science Friday on National Public Subspace with Ira Pluto? After the two brains minus Kirk hypothesize that the setting of Phaser I wouldn't be able to hurt such a lifeform, Kirk has his big moment of revelation: "All. Right. HowaboutTHIS: A...creaturethat LIVES...DEEP. Inthe...planetbelowus...at...HOME insolidrock...itseemstomethat...inorderto SURVIVE...itwouldHAVEtoHAVE...SOMEform...ofNATURAL. ARMORED plating." Spock blinks and says it makes sense, especially since the colonists are only armed with Phaser I. "ButOURpeople have Phaser II!" Kirk announces. Do the colonists feel at all cheated that they haven't received a phaser upgrade since Weapons 2260 came out? Spock thinks he can jigger their own phasers to be more effective against silicon. "Sili-cone-based life is physiologically impossible," Bones states. He clearly hasn't met Anna Nicole Smith. And I can make that joke because DeForest Kelley insists on getting the pronunciation wrong. Spock argues that it's possible. Bones thinks he's cracked. Kirk ignores Bones and orders Spock to get the Jumpsuits ready with their adjusted Phaser IIs. Spock doesn't say anything, just stares at the medicine ball on the desk. Kirk walks around the desk and leans over the medicine ball, trying to use his chest to attract the Vulcan's attention. Unfortunately, since Shatner's nipples aren't putting in an appearance -- something about demanding three hundred thousand dollars per episode plus insisting on undisclosed quan-titties of Tiger Balm in their dressing room -- he fails. "You...seemFASCINATEDby...THISROCK." And he's not talking about the one in his pants. "Yes, Captain," Spock says, picking up the ball. He's trying to work it into his Pilates routine. Spock remembers that Vanderberg mentioned finding a ton of the pretty shiny things in the lower level caverns, "at the level which the machinery opened just prior to the first appearance of the creature." They wonder if the balls and the creature are related. Bones walks over and squints at Spock, who adds, "I have already given Dr. McCoy sufficient cause for amusement -- I would prefer to cogitate the possibilities for a time." Cogitate away, Spock. Kirk reminds him that they have very little time.
Star Trek: The Original Series: "Devil in the Dark"
“ This? Is like that scene in Young Sherlock Holmes when Young Watson gets hit by the hallucinogenic dart and has a surreal encounter with talking pastries. ”
Scotty and his team do stuff to dostuffies. Kirk checks on their progress before he's called back by Spock. In parting, Kirk advises his Chief Engineer, "Scotty, ride herd on it. Kind words, tender loving care. Kiss it. Baby it. Flatter it if you have to but Keep. It. GOING." Kirk seems to be confusing the floozle with one of his floo-zies.
Kirk tells the new security team how to order out for pizza. Vanderberg wants the security team to eat the pizza on site. Kirk wants the team to go to level at which the silicon medicine balls were first discovered.
The security team looks around.
Spock scans and finds a silicon lifeform. He and Kirk track it.
On his own, a security guy succumbs to the effect of asking for a both anchovies and pineapple as toppings. Kirk and Spock hear the scream and run over, ready to administer Maalox if necessary. Alas, they are too late. The guy is heartburned to a crisp. As Kirk has A Moment with the results of acid reflux, Spock goes looking for the pizza and finds a perfectly cylindrical tunnel. Spock announces that the creature went through it just moments ago. They are amazed at the length and depth of the tunnel, lamenting that even their best machinery couldn't cut a tunnel like that. They hear a "fiery noise" and spin around. Well, there it is: the Horta. It's truly pathetic. In fact, I want to say it's even worse than the Gorn, which, for all its lockjaw Studio 54 sartorial sense, was just a man in a cardboard lizard costume. This? Is like that scene in Young Sherlock Holmes when Young Watson gets hit by the hallucinogenic dart and has a surreal encounter with talking pastries. The Horta honestly looks like a giant pizza got draped over two midgets who were then directed to crawl "menacingly" on their knees. Spock and Kirk both fire at the Horta, which quivers and reverses quickly. The brown shag peaking out underneath reminds me of the red, orange, and brown Danish Modern rug my parents used to have in our den. My little sister threw up island punch Capri Sun on that rug and you couldn't even tell. Spock and Kirk jog after the Horta, which disappears into another self-made tunnel. They marvel that something that big can travel so quickly. You can tell Kirk is quite, quite jealous. And for two bucks more you can get breadsticks and a litre of Coke!
Star Trek: The Original Series: "Devil in the Dark"
A few security guys join the party and ask if they're okay. Kirk nods, barely acknowledging them as Spock babbles about the maze of tunnels the Horta has carved out all over the place. "Did you get a shot at it?" one of the security guys asks. Kirk gestures at the floor: "Yeah, we took a bite out of it." See? PIZZA! Spock picks up the slice and examines it. Uh, Spock? I know you're the Science Officer and I'm just a recapper in love, but is it really a good idea to pick that up when you've seen what the Horta does to rock and flesh? Spock guesses that the slice of Horta is very much like fibrous asbestos, proving his idea that the creature is silicon-based, and says that the Horta can move through rocks as easily as they move through air. He moves through the rocks with the greatest of ease, that dangerous old Horta in the parmesan cheese! I've really been spending too much time in a hot kitchen today. I'm feeling light-headed. "That would account for the tunnels," Kirk over-explains. I love how they're totally ignoring the two security guys. "Correct," Spock continues. "This creature's body secretes an extremely powerful corrosive." "Powerful enough to dissolve the door of the reactor chamber," Kirk adds. THEN WHY ARE YOU HOLDING IT?! Even though we've already seen several shots of "When Pizzas Attack," Spock also feels the need to explain that the corrosive is why the men burned the roofs of their mouths to death. Kirk FINALLY turns back to the security dudes and says they injured the Horta and might be able to kill it if they amass phaser power. Kirk crouches in front the tunnel. We get a long shot from the other end of the tunnel, looking back at him. The security dudes mimic Kirk's crouch as he tells them, "Pass this on to your men...we knew it was a killer. Now...it's WOUNDED...probablyinpain...somewhere...back...there. There's nothingmoredangerous...than a WOUNDED animal."
Kirk addresses the security team and tells them to kill the Horta on sight. He tells them to concentrate their phaser power "on what appears to be its head." Nice direction -- the thing didn't look like it had a head! Spock objects slightly, opining that they should attempt to capture it. Kirk stares at him and tells the security dudes that their orders are shoot to kill. Spock blinks, hurt that Kirk would contradict him in front of the staff. The security dudes move out. Kirk gives Spock a dressing down, crabbing that he will lose no more men to the late night call of the pizza: "The creature will be killed on sight and that's the end of it." Spock blinks, "Very well, sir." Ooh, lovers' spat. Kirk then tells Spock that he wants him to help Scotty with the floozlebinder. Spock is confused by this order, since Scotty can damn well take care of it himself: "Mr. Scott has far more knowledge of nuclear reactors than I do -- you're aware of that." Kirk wants Spock out of harm's way, and says that one of them is expendable but two of them are not. Spock quotes the odds of 2,228.7 to 1 against both of them being killed in the hunt. As Kirk repeats the odds, the Flute of Spock Making a Funny tootles. "Those are pretty good odds, Mr. Spock," Kirk beams at Spock. "And they are accurate," Spock says. I can only see the back of his head in this shot, but I can tell he's gazing back at Kirk adoringly as they make up. Kirk agrees that Spock can stay, but requests he "stay out of trouble." Spock cocks (heh) his head and says, "That is always my intention, sir." Scotty comms Kirk to tell him that his temporary floozlebinder gave out. Kirk wants all the colonists to beam up to the ship, but Vanderberg interrupts to say that he and his men are staying to help fight the pizza. They have ten hours to find the Horta.
Star Trek: The Original Series: "Devil in the Dark"
“ I can't believe Spock is now encouraging Kirk to react emotionally by killing the creature instantly. Not a few minutes ago, Spock thought they should try to capture the creature -- what's with the change of heart? Oooh, I get it -- it's because his lovah is in mortal danger! ”
Everyone looks.
Two tunnels diverged in a cavern, and Kirk took the one less corroded by. Spock takes the other one. At first Spock's all concerned and asks, "Should we separate?" Kirk thinks it would be good for their relationship if they take a break. They split up. At the end of his tunnel, Kirk finds a cavern filled with the medicine balls and immediately calls Spock to tell him this, because he couldn't even go for five minutes without talking to him. Spock requests that Kirk not damage any of the balls, and is about to explain his theory when the Horta knocks some rocks down around Kirk. I don't really know how this is achieved, since it looks like the Horta is in the same cavern, although Kirk can't seem to see it. Then part of the wall of Kirk's cavern "glows" red, and a tunnel appears. The Horta trundles in. Again, I don't get how this happens -- the Horta was in the same cavern, so why did it go through a wall just to enter the...same cavern? Spock calls out to Kirk over and over and over again. And again.
Kirk holds his phaser out, and the Horta stops scriggling. He holds his phaser down, and the Horta scriggles forward. He holds the phaser up, and the Horta -- this is getting old. Meanwhile, I've noticed that the Horta has sparklies all over it. It's clearly imitating the caves. Spock comms Kirk that he's reading fresh silicon signs and it's near them. Kirk tells him the Horta is closer than Spock thinks. "Where, Captain?" Spock asks. "Ten feet away from me," Kirk nonchalants. "Kill it, Captain, quickly!" Spock pleads. Kirk doesn't think so; the Horta isn't making any threatening moves. "You don't dare take the chahnce -- kill it!" I can't believe Spock is now encouraging Kirk to react emotionally by killing the creature instantly. Not a few minutes ago, Spock thought they should try to capture the creature -- what's with the change of heart? Oooh, I get it -- it's because his lovah is in mortal danger! Kirk reminds Spock of his speech earlier. "Jim, your life is in danger -- you cahn't take the risk!" Spock begs. Kirk thinks the Horta is waiting for something. "I remind you it's a proven killer. I'm on my way. Spock out," Spock ends the comm. Spock to the rescue! Sigh.
We get a shot of the security team moving through other caverns.
Kirk stares warily at the Horta. "Well, what do we do -- just talk it over?" he asks. The Horta dances around to show Kirk its white wound. God, it's so BAD! It's supposed to appear to be pulsing compared to the rest of the marinara and melted cheese body, but it TOTALLY looks like they took a round pillow and stapled it to the rug draped over the midgets. Kirk realizes that the Horta can be hurt, and wonders if they just sit there. "It's your move," Kirk says. Spock runs in, phaser out. "No, no -- don't shoot!" Kirk orders as the Horta quivers up to Spock. Spock joins Kirk's side and professes to be fascinated by the fact that it hasn't made any moves to kill Kirk. Kirk gestures at the piles of medicine balls, and Spock says they might be the ahnswer to everything, but he's not certain. "Captain, you're aware of the Vulcan technique of the joining of two minds," Spock suggests, being the mind-meld slut that he is. Kirk encourages Spock to prostitute himself to the Horta. Won't he get burned by the powerful corrosive when he touches it? Oh, I give up. Spock approaches the quivering Horta and holds his hands over some cheese. He doesn't actually touch the Horta, which is all the more confusing when Spock suddenly screams, "AHHHH!" He screams some more, "PAIN! PAIN! PAAAAAIN!" before falling back into Kirk's waiting and eager arms. Spock tells Kirk that all he got was that the Horta was in agony. The Horta climbs up on a ledge and jiggles around a bit. When the Horta backs off, we can see a profound message etched deep in the stone: "NO KILL I." He's got excellent penmanship for a pizza.
Star Trek: The Original Series: "Devil in the Dark"
“ Bones gives Spock the most hysterical look here. He glances over like, 'Dude, you are a freak, but for some reason I'm not that surprised to find you communing with two midgets under a really ugly rug.' ”
"NO KILL I," Kirk repeats, sounding each syllable out. "What is that -- a plea for us not to kill it?" Kirk asks. How does he not fall down more? "Or a promise that it won't kill us?" No, that would be "NO KILL U." Dork. Spock thinks the Horta gained immediate knowledge of them through the meld: "In my brief contact with the creature's mind, I discovered it is a highly intelligent, extremely sophisticated animal." Of course you did. Spock says that he learned the thing calls itself a Horta and is in great pain, but not reacting like an animal in great pain. "A Horta. A Horta!" Kirk repeats. "Mr. Spock, we need that retardation mechanism." Wait, why, when it's all already here? Spock says that the Horta has no reason to help them out, since it just wants them all off its planet. "Yes, I'm aware of that. If we could only win its...CONFIDENCE!" Kirk muses, and comms the ship. He orders Bones to get down there with his med-kit. Spock doesn't see the point, but Kirk just says, "He's a healer -- let him heal." Because it's just that simple. Kirk wants Spock to re-meld and find out why the Horta "suddenly took to murder." Spock says to get that information means he's going to have to touch it. The music gets ominous. Spock walks over to the Horta and puts one hand on a piece of pepperoni and the other on some sausage. Kirk comms the head security dude, who tells him that Vanderberg and his men just got there, "and they're pretty ugly -- should I let them through?" "BWAH! Some things just don't translate well from the sixties lingo," the Evil Dr. Mathra guffaws. Kirk orders Head Security Dude to keep them away from his cavern, but wants him to send Bones along when he arrives.
In the throes of his toppings-meld, Spock shakes his head and screams, "PITY! THE THOUSANDS...devils! THE JOURNEY ENDS! The Chamber of the Ages! THE ALTAR OF TOMORROW! MURDERERS! STOP THEM! KILL! STRIKE BACK! MONSTERS!" Bones runs in and is all, "The hell?" Kirk nods him over. Bones asks what in the Sam Hill Spock is doing. Instead of answering, Kirk says, "It's wounded, we gotta help it." "Help that?" Bones gestures incredulously. Kirk orders Bones to take a look. Spock continues to meld, whining in an unnaturally high voice, "The end of life...murderers." Bones gives Spock the most hysterical look here. He glances over like, "Dude, you are a freak, but for some reason I'm not that surprised to find you communing with two midgets under a really ugly rug." I don't know how else to describe it, but it is definitely one of DeForest Kelley's best expressions -- he's completely composed and just goes about his business, seeming to regard Spock's outbursts as annoying distractions. After taking some scans, Bones tells Kirk that the Horta is "virtually made out of stone." "Help it. Treat it," Kirk argues. Bones draws himself up and utters the immortal line, "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer!" "You're a healer. There's a patient. That's an order," Kirk responds. Bones gives in grumpily. Kirk nudges Spock about the retardation mechanism. "Understooood," Spock says, and I finally place what his intonation reminds me of: Enrico Colantoni in Galaxy Quest. "It is the end of life...eternity stopsss..." Spock says more on that score before giving metaphor-laced directions to Kirk. Spock then commences to sob all over the pizza. Bones looks over at him and decides he doesn't hear any of this. Kirk finally goes into the tunnel.