Enterprise S03E19

A really phallic ship moves across the right side of the screen. Enterprise moves across the left side. A red alert is sounded. We know this because of, well, the noise, the Knox block flashing on someone's console, and the BIG HUGE SIGN on the wall telling us, "Condition ALERT." I've never seen that sign before, how funny. Sulu presses buttons as a viewer slowly deploys itself up on legs. Cool! Kirk just stares out at the phallus, not betraying any fear. There's whole lot of staring and no real dialogue in these first few seconds. Kirk walks by Sulu and Chekov. Sulu gives him a report on their weapons, Chekov on their range to the vessel. Kirk ignores them and asks Spock what dirt he has on the S.S. Penis. Spock doesn't have much, but comments that the ship is of "unique technology." Uhura isn't having any real luck either. Kirk magnifies the phallus. The viewscreen trembles as though it were a pond being disturbed, and the ship is brought in slightly closer. Kirk asks what Scotty makes of the ship. "Beats me, but isn't she a beauty?" Scotty croons. "Beats me"? Oh, dear. "Interesting design," Kirk adds. I agree, now where have I seen something like that before? Scotty says he hasn't seen anything like her, but crows over the fact that the S.S. Penis uses ion propulsion, and thinks "they" could teach Enterprise a thing or two. On life signs, Spock reports a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere and only one life sign. Spock notes that the humanoid seems to be beaming to their bridge. Kirk orders up security. A woman beams on to the bridge looking like a flat, green Colorform. Remember Colorforms? I loved those. The soft violins of She's A Hot Chick In Skimpy Attire So She's No Real Danger plays. She is in skimpy attire, the music doesn't lie! She's wearing a metallic lavender mini-dress with dark purple fuck-me boots held up by garters going I don't know where. She smiles at everyone. Spock raises an eyebrow. Kirk introduces himself. Security arrives, but the Hot Chick In Skimpy Attire presses a button on her watch and there's a boi-oi-oi-ng, after which the lights go out and people fall down. She keeps pressing the boi-oi-oing button until we get the idea that the whole ship is knocked out. She smiles widely and walks across the bridge, pauses for a moment at Kirk's chair, but ultimately passes him by for Spock. Girl has taste. She puts her hand on Spock's head.

Credits.

The bridge is still knocked out. Kirk is halfway off his chair. The lights come back on again and immediately everyone wakes up. Confusion. Kirk can't find Spock. Bones comms in a panic that he better get his girdled ass down to Sickbay pronto.

Sickbay. Spock is lying on an examination bed with a gold lam washcloth over his forehead. Bones and Nurse Chapel check him out. He seems to be alive. Kirk arrives with Scotty and asks what happened. Bones says he found him on the table. "Like this?" Kirk asks. "No, not like this," Bones says. Well, then like how? Bones doesn't know what happened, and Kirk realizes that he's got Spock on full life-support. "Was he dead?" Kirk demands. "He was worse than dead," Bones says. BOOM! "What do you mean?" Kirk asks. BOOM! "Jim --" Bones starts. BOOM! "His brain is gone!" he finishes. Kirk starts to repeat Bones, but is all, "His who in the what is gone?" Bones tells him the brain was removed surgically, and Spock is only surviving because "every nerve ending of the brain must've been neatly sealed. Nothing ripped, nothing torn -- it's a medical miracle." That doesn't explain how he could survive. No brain means no control over any bodily function. Heart stops, blood stops, life stops. Kirk says that Spock must be dying. Bones contradicts him, "No, that incredible Vulcan physique hung on until the life support cycle took over. His body lives." Oh, god, it does not -- no matter how nice of a body it is! Bones says that the autonomic functions continue. "But there IS NO MIND!" Bones adds. TWAY-AY-AYNG! Reaction shots from everyone. Kirk realizes that the Hot Chick took Spock's brain. He doesn't know why or where, but he knows she must've taken it. If she had taken Kirk's brain, would anyone have noticed? Bones can't give any guarantees as to how long he can keep Spock going. "That'snotgoodenoughDOCTOR!" Kirk snaps. Bones admits that if Spock were human, he could keep him alive indefinitely, but his pesky Vulcan soft parts limits what he can do: "Spock's body is much more dependent on that tremendous BRAIN for life support." How is that different from us? Are they trying to tell us that if a human brain was removed in the Star Trek century, we'd survive? Maybe I wasn't kidding earlier -- maybe Kirk's brain really IS gone! It would explain a lot: The Album, the wanderlusting hairline, the Esperanto movie...I could keep going, but I do have a recap to finish. Kirk says they'll have to take him with them. Bones wonders where they're going. "In search of his BRAIN, doctor!" Kirk says. Okay, that's it -- I see I'm going to have to have a rating system for the worst or most laughable line on this show. Here's the scale:

Cheddar: The cheese is definitely there but we're used to it.
Parmigiano-Reggiano: A hard, grating kind of cheese.
Stilton: Moldy and pock-ridden.
Banon: Oozing with cheesy goodness and getting stenchy.
Taleggio: The kind of stink you just can't get off your hands! Out, out, damn cheese!

So, that last line: "In search of his BRAIN, Doctor!" Score: Stilton. Bones is still befuddled, and Kirk explains that since the brain won't come to Spock, they'll have to bring Spock to the brain. "Jim," Bones starts, "where are you going to look, in this whole galaxy, WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK FOR SPOCK'S BRAIN?" Oh, this is going to be bad, because every time they say something about looking for Spock's brain, not only am I getting the giggles, but I want to give it a Cheese Rating. That last one scores a Banon, but only because of how closely it followed Kirk's Stilton-rated line. Kirk is quietly confident that he'll find it. Now, if Spock had a Spicule chip implanted in his brain, they'd probably be able to re-phase the hootchimagig and re-align the warp coils to lock onto the signal and beam it back. Bones says that even if they get the brain back, he won't really know what to do with it. Hannibal Lecter's Cooking the Complete Carcass would probably be a sound resource for that. "It was taken out, it can be put back in," Kirk says, earning him a Cheddar. Bones points out that nothing has changed from two seconds ago when he didn't know HOW to do that. Kirk thinks the Brain Burglar will be able to assist them in that matter. "I'll FORCE it out of her," Kirk growls. Bones says they have twenty-four hours to find the Brain Burglar, get back the brain, and make the deposit.

During the commercial break, Robert Justman tells the Sci-Fi channel that he didn't have any favorite TOS episodes, he loves them all: "Even 'Spock's Brain,' you know, which was possibly the worst one we ever made." Nimoy comes on to say, "'Spock's Brain'? Yeah." He raises one eyebrow and we get a shot of Chapel collapsing to the floor of Sickbay. Nimoy sort of tries to justify the idea of the episode, saying, "The title tells us that we were onto something that has to do with -- supposedly something special." Hee. Okay, whatever you say, gorgeous. Herbert Solow says that everyone knows there were a lot of hokey episodes of TOS: "My wife, Yvonne, and I talk a lot about an episode called 'Spock's Brain' -- I mean, great idea...but no." Heh. Nimoy blathers on, "If you did an episode called 'Einstein's Brain,' you would know what you were dealing with, and that was the attempt: to do something that had to do with a brain that was special, that Spock had brain power that was unusual, unique, useful, valuable and somebody would want to steal it!" Nimoy, honey, I love you, but you gotta stop with the mid-morning drinking! More blathering from Nimoy about how he would react if someone came into his office with the "Spock's Brain" idea, interspersed with shots from the episode that I'm not going to recap because recapping them once is going to give me enough laughing pains to keep me from standing up straight for months. Suffice it to say that, say what you will about Sci-Fi, they have a great sense of humor. Finally Nimoy says that it all comes down to execution, shooting, et cetera and that "[he] was pretty much -- in more ways than one -- out of it during the making of that episode." Say no more.

The Enterprise follows an ion trail left by the Brain Burglar. Then they lose it. However, Kirk, he's smart, so he figures that since the trail went into a system called Sigma Draconis, that's a good place to start. He looks at schematics and picks the most likely planet. Well, it's not the "most likely" planet because none of the three Class M planets that possess sapient life is capable -- by Chekov's reports -- of launching interstellar travel. One planet is placed on the industrial scale to be equivalent to Earth in 1485, another is Earth's 2030 (so we know Horatio is defending some guy with three penises there), and the third is in a glacial age with "no sign of industrial dewelopment." What a puzzler! Uhura reports high-energy generation from the glacial planet at regular intervals. Kirk questions Chekov about the life on the planet, and Chekov says, "No sign of organized civilization, primitive humanoids picked up at irregular interwals." Ah, but the energy readings ARE regular, so, my dear Watson, guess where Spock's brain is? It's elementary for Silent E! Who can turn a pan into a pane? Who can turn a man into a mane? Kirk talks to himself, "I can't afford to guess wrong. I've gotta choose the right planet, get there, find the brain [score: Banon]. Eight hours and thirty-five minutes." He asks Chekov and Sulu for their opinions. Nothing comes of that endeavor. Finally Uhura muses, "What would they want with his brain? What would they want with Mr. Spock's brain -- what use is it? Why do they want it?" This gets Kirk thinking. It gets me thinking that the success of this entire mission should be credited to Uhura. Blah blah blah they're going for the glacial planet. It's the least likely, therefore it's the most likely plot device. Chekov wonders what will happen if Kirk guesses wrong. "If I guess wrong, Mr. Chekov, Mr. Spock is dead," Kirk says, and adds for those who can't comprehend the present tense, "Spock will die." Okay, they have a crew complement of what? Four hundred something? Why not send away teams to each planet to look for the brain (hee hee hee) all at the same time? Who ever finds it first comms the ship, the ship comms everyone else, and they put the brain back.

Away Team beams down. Since the set looks like a Texas winter, the members of Away Team rub their arms expressively. Because it's a glacial planet. Scotty scans with the antiquated tape deck Spock used to wear. "Life readings, Mr. Spock?" Scotty looks at him. "Mr. Scott," Kirk corrects himself. This is where I really start to think the crew should be more worried about the location of Kirk's brain. They're on an away mission because SPOCK'S BRAIN IS GONE and yet Kirk's falling into old habits? His memory is that Swiss cheesed? Come ON. I know it's supposed to be touching and everything, but it's really just WEIRD! Scotty reads humanoid life forms around, "On the large side." To illustrate this (I guess), a Sasquatch-type darts around the rocks and spies on them. Kirk says they need to be on their guard. Sasquatch runs away. Chekov reads not much of anything on his scans. Sasquatch joins a bunch of other Sasquatches. Chekov says the temperature is "a high maximum of forty [he shrugs along with me], livable." Kirk tells Chekov's Russian Pride that he has a thick skin. Scotty calls them over because he's getting Sasquatch readings. Kirk orders phasers on stun: "I want them conscious." Doesn't "stun" usually knock people out?

After much creeping on both sides, the Sasquatches finally grow tired of games. They start yelling and throw their Flintstones trademarked clubs at the Away Team. What's truly hysterical is when they toss a few rocks at Kirk, and the rocks literally float by him. Kirk aims his gun -- I forgot that the phasers of this series had that little needle thing in the center -- and everything goes green. One Sasquatch falls, and the others run. Kirk crouches to Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit and tells him they aren't there to hurt him. Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit tells him, "You. Are. Not. The. Others." Kirk tells him, "No. We came from a far place. We are men." "Men?" Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit asks. "Like yourselves!" Kirk says impatiently. "You are small," Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit notes, "like The Others." Kirk wonders who these Others are. "The Givers of Pain and Delight," Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit rolls his eyes. Kirk wonders where these Glacial Dominatrices are. "They come. They give Pain and Delight," Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit says, holding onto his original argument. "Do they come from the sky?" Kirk demands. What is he talking about? Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit tells him that they are here, and he will see, since The Others will come for them. "Do they come for your women as well?" Kirk asks, clearly thinking inside his pants since I don't see how that question helps them find Spock's brain. Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit doesn't seem to know what "women" are. "The female of your kind," Kirk helps out. Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit shakes his head slowly: "Your words...say nothing." Hee! I've been saying that for YEARS! More along these lines, but getting distinctly more personal, as Scotty and Kirk ask if Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit has sex. Well, they ask if he has a mate, but it's the same thing. Kirk wants to be taken to The Others, but Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit freaks out.

Chekov runs over with news that he's found buildings buried underground. Kirk realizes that "somewhere down there" is where The Others live, and orders Scotty to find a magic door. Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit freaks out again and tells them they can't go there. He shoves Kirk and runs away. He's wearing those huge furry boots that used to be popular on ski slopes. Maybe he's really a horny Snow Bunny under all that fake hair. Kirk lets him go. Kirk and Chekov ponder Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit's words about pain and delight and the ignorance of the word "female." Scotty calls them over to a cave where he found some food. Since there are also forged metal weapons there, weapons Kirk thinks their "ape-ish friends" don't have the brains to make, they figure it's a trap set by The Others to lure the Sasquatches in. Chekov supposes that it could be a trap for them as well. "Exactly," Kirk says, and tells Enterprise to beam Bones down. Kirk orders Chekov and the security team to remain near the cave opening until they hear from him. Bones beams down with Spock. The music doesn't seem to think we can see Spock, though, because it's not until Bones pushes a button on a remote control and Spock turns toward the camera that the music gets all "ta-daaa!" Spock's seems to be controlled by a thing on his head, very reminiscent of -- or perhaps the inspiration for -- that thing Lobot wore in The Empire Strikes Back. Kirk, stunned, orders Bones to "bring him over." Bones clicks a button, and Remote Control Spock stomps over. Spock clearly lost his fashion sense along with his brain, because he's wearing these ugly brownish coveralls over a black turtleneck. Or maybe it wasn't that he lost his fashion sense but, because he doesn't have a brain, he couldn't find his normal uniform. Or he forgot to wash it, you know, because HE DOESN'T HAVE A BRAIN! Kirk walks into the cave, and Bones and Remote Control Spock follow. Scotty tells Bones, "Keep him close to the right," and walks in after them. Why? Because Remote Control Spock might bump into something? Once inside, a sheet of metal closes over the cave opening, and the cave makes like it's an elevator.

It's suddenly night outside, and Chekov tells the team, "It might be a long wait." They sit down and phaser up some rock heat. The team warms their hands over the glowing rock. That trick always cracks me up.

Kirk orders phasers on stun, and they speculate about what they'll find. A trombone slides a slow scale, and Kirk notes they're slowing down. The door opens to reveal...a woman! In gold thigh-high fuck-me boots! And a short dress! Kirk boggles! Okay, dudes? It was a similarly-clad chick who knocked out the bridge and burgled Spock's brain, so why are we acting surprised? The Solid Gold chick starts to press a button on her watch, but Kirk phasers her in a green aura. She falls down in that picturesque way people always fall down in these shows: with one knee bent across the other leg, and one arm thrown dramatically out to cushion the head as they lie on their side. Bones brings her around for questioning as Kirk checks the corridors. "You do not belong here, you are not Morg!" Solid Gold chirps. "Take me to the one in charge, I want to speak to him," Kirk orders. How pathetically sexist for him to think that these women have a man in charge of them. Even more pathetic is that once we learn Spock's brain is in charge, it ends up being true. "Him? What is him?" Solid Gold wonders. Kirk wants to know where Spock's brain is. Solid Gold simpers, "You are not Morg or Eymorg. I know nothing about a brain." Ain't that the truth, though? Bones says there's no change in readings, so she really and truly doesnt know. What? They can do polygraphs? Since when? Kirk thrusts the girl away from him and tells Scotty to see what he can pick up on his communicator. Kirk tells Solid Gold that they don't want to hurt her and asks, "What is this place?" "This place is here," Solid Gold says, gesturing. Oh, dear, it's going to be one of those conversations, isn't it? After Kirk's bark, Solid Gold says, "I am Luma. I am Eymorg. You are not Eymorg, you are not Morg -- what are you?" Kirk is about to respond, but Bones tells him not to bother since she has the mind of a child. I know children smarter than this. Hell, I know cats smarter than this.

Scotty picks something up on his communicator, but can't quite get a fix on it. Solid Gold tries to run, but Bones stops her. Kirk listens to Scotty's communicator. Spock's voice comes through, saying, "Fascinating, activity without end but with no volition." Kirk asks the voice if it's Spock. "Captain? Captain Kirk?" the comm asks. "Yes, yeeees, Spock," Kirk croons, going to stand in front of Remote Control Spock. Spock's brain -- for that's what it is -- tells him there's a definite pleasure connected in hearing his voice. Bones asks Spock's brain where he is. "Is that you, Dr. McCoy? And are you with the Captain?" Note that he doesn't say he connects pleasure with hearing Bones's voice? He's still repressing. Bones grumps, "Well, where else would I be?" Seriously, Spock's brain doesn't seem all that intelligent. "Mr. Spock, where are ye!?" Scotty demands. "Engineer Scott as well. Unfortunately I do not know where I am." Kirk smiles that they will find the brain. "A practical idea, Captain, it seems unlikely that I shall be able to get to you." They head off with Scotty directing Remote Control Spock. Down the corridor they see the Deep Purple from the Bridge. Before Kirk can do much more than posture at her, she hits her watch. BO-I-I-ING! And they all fall down. Well, Remote Control Spock and Solid Gold don't, but that's because they're brainless.

Shatner hosts on to say that Gene Coons wrote this script under the pen name of Lee Cronin as a practical joke. Coons was (supposedly) constantly at odds with Roddenberry over the show content and wanted the show to take itself less seriously. "It just goes to show that practical jokes sometimes backfire," Shatner says, pulling at his lower lip.

A scantily clad woman pokes food into a man's mouth. She goes over to another man standing guard and pokes food into his mouth. He smiles at her. The Food Poker joins Solid Gold and another scantily clad woman as Solid Gold obviously acts out Kirk shooting her for the other women. Kirk logs that they have been taken prisoner inside a "highly complex civilization hundreds of meters below the planet of Sigma Draconis VII." Okay, that's just bullshit, because when they were back in the bridge, they clearly named this glacial planet at the SIXTH planet in the system. ["Maybe they're counting its sun(s)? I don't know." -- Sars] We can see Remote Control Spock looking as alert as ever while Kirk, Bones, and Scotty manage to slump on stools. You know, that takes talent. It's easy to slump in chairs with a back but to maintain balance when you're unconscious on stools? That's something special. Deep Purple walks in a diamond-shaped door and takes her place at a table. Why are doors never normal in the future? Is there really something inherently wrong about the way our doors are now that will make them obsolete? And don't tell me it's that these women are aliens because, when it comes down to it, they're not aliens, they're just stupid chicks in boots up to HERE. Or, in other words, Gene Roddenberry's Vision.

Deep Purple cocks her head at the three slumpers. But there's no response. She cocks her head again (I'm writing it out because it's weird, the cocking) and then pushes a button on her watch. BO-I-I-ING!! BO-I-I-ING! And they all wake up. Scotty looks down and grasps at the new hernia belt around his waist. The three make a big show of looking around. Deep Purple wants to know what they are and why they are there. Kirk looks at her in sudden horror. "You have something to speak?" she guesses. Saints preserve us from the "primitive" dialogue! Kirk stands and demands to know what they did with Spock's brain. Deep Purple doesn't know Spock, not even when Kirk points him out and reminds her of what she did on their Bridge. "Ah, yes, brain. You spoke to Luma also of brain, but we do not understand," Deep Purple realizes. Kirk tells her she was on their ship. Deep Purple really doesn't know what he's speaking about. Bones calls Kirk back and says that Deep Purple may really be as dumb as she looks, and he doesn't think she could have performed surgery on Spock. Deep Purple says, "You hurt Luma. It is not permitted to hurt anyone again." Kirk apologizes. Deep Purple tells them they are allowed to go back to their home. Kirk thinks they will stay there to learn about them and tell the FM Boot Brigade about humans. For some reason Bones, Kirk, and Scotty engage in inane conversation about what it's like above. Deep Purple just stares them. I really don't blame her.

Finally, Kirk says he wants to speak to whoever is in charge. Deep Purple doesn't comprehend and says that she "is Leader." The men argue why that's impossible, asking about doctors and machine builders and Zamboni drivers. "Who controls this complex?" Kirk asks. My money's on Hugh Hefner. "Controls?" Deep Purple repeats. "Controller?" Yes, Kirk wants to meet the controller who controls. He wants to meet him. Deep Purple flatly refuses, saying only the FM Boot Brigade is allowed near the controller. Kirk promises they won't hurt the controller. "We just want to talk to somebody about Spock's brain!" Bones pleads. Deep Purple loses her temper: "Brain and brain! What is brain?" She even stamps her foot. And there was spawned that most quotable line which definitely rates a nice, old piece of Taleggio. Kirk makes the connection that the controller is Spock's brain and says, waving a hand, "Spock's brain...controls." 'That's not possible," Bones says, as Scotty lets out an odd exhalation of breath: "Arhhhh." So basically, Spock's the FM Boots Brigade's pimp. Kirk falls on his knees -- arms raised up -- in front of Deep Purple and says, "Great Leader!" He tries to convince her that they come in peace to talk with the Controller. Deep Purple doesn't believe him, since he said earlier that he wanted to take Spock's brain back. Kirk begs. Solid Gold tells Deep Purple not to take them. "They will be prevented," Deep Purple says, and pushes a button on her watch. Bones and Scotty grab the Great Hernia Belt of Pain and fall down. It takes much longer for Kirk to fall down because he has the task of staggering around the room, arching his back, and clawing at the air to complete first. Even when he's on the ground he doesn't stop. Instead he rolls over and over on the floor and then humps it like an inchworm. Deep Purple leaves with her FM Boot Brigade, saying that she knows what to do. Remote Control Spock just sits there.

Enterprise. Sulu's log brings us up to date with what we already know, and shows Chekov and his men still warming their hands over that glowing rock.

Kirk, Bones, and Scotty finally haul themselves off the floor and comment about how much pain they were just put through. They can't remove the Great Hernia Belts of Acid Reflux, and realize why the men of the planet are so scared of the FM Boot Brigade. They wonder how the FM Boot Brigade has enough brain cells to rub together between them to create such a complex underground system. Kirk keeps eyeing their communicators that are being guarded by the guards. Scotty reminds them that Fallen Sasquatch Hidden Shaving Kit mentioned "pain and delight." "I'm sure you noticed the delight aspect of this place," Bones says. "Yes, I certainly did notice those delightful aspects, but that too was strictly under the command of the women," Kirk says. I should certainly hope their own asses are under their control! Again, they try to figure out what Spock's brain has to do with the price of self-sealing stembolts on Delorius III. After some vaudeville-esque dialogue, Bones, Kirk, and Scotty beat up their two guards. Remote Control Spock just sits there. Fisticuffs.

Nimoy babbles about not doing much in the episode but having "silly stuff" go on around him.

The men get their gear back, and Kirk tries to contact Spock's brain. Spock's brain isn't very helpful about where he is or what they're using him for. Stupid brain. Spock's brain wonders why they are endangering themselves by remaining. "We came to put you back," Kirk explains. "Back where?" Spock's brain asks. Now we get a shot of a white flashing globe sitting on top of a black box with metal struts attaching to walls. Damn, I was really hoping for some sort of Madeleine L'Engle type of thing. "Back in your body -- we brought it along with us." Score: Stilton. Spock's brain really doesn't think Bones is up to the task. "Thank you," Bones mutters. Spock's brain entreats him not to take offense, because the skill to perform the task doesn't exist anywhere in the galaxy. Kirk argues that the skill exists right there if they can only figure it out. Man, this is one plotless episode! Spock's brain doesn't think there's much chance for success in this mission, since over eighteen hours has already elapsed. Kirk agrees and says they need to get to him ASAP. Spock's brain beams them a signal so they can find him. Bones pushes some buttons on the remote, and Remote Control Spock stands up. Turns around. And walks out with them. Kirk asks Spock's brain to figure out how they can get the Great Hernia Belts of Irritable Bowel Syndrome off. Spock's brain says he "shall" give it top priority. He gets back to them with an "ahnswer." The only way to get them off is to push the red button on Deep Purple's watch.

Walking, they're walking. Kirk tells Spock's brain to keep concentrating, keep concentrating. Well, what else is he going to do? I mean, seriously, he's a BRAIN! They walk into a room where Deep Purple is waiting for them to inject them with menstrual cramps. Falling down, all around. Bones clutches himself and groans, "Jim. Spock. No pain." Kirk humps his way over to the remote control, knocks it further away, humps some more, and gets hold of it. Remote Control Spock walks forward. Deep Purple tells him to go away. Kirk presses another button. Remote Control Spock takes Deep Purple's arm and backs her into a corner. Quite a versatile remote, that one is. One button makes him walk and another makes him raise his arm, open his hand, and restrain someone by closing his hand around her wrist. It's smarter than TiVo. Remote Control Spock grapples impassively with Deep Purple and finally pushes the release button on her watch. The Great Hernia Belts of WWF Pain snap off. Deep Purple shrieks that they will all die if they take The Controller away: "The Controller is young and powerful and...perfect!" Mmm, I agree. Spock's brain says, "How very flattering." Deep Purple says Spock's brain will give life to her people for ten thousand years and that the other Controller is dead and gone. Kirk explains to Spock's brain where he is and what he looks like. He's in a black box with light rays and a complex control panel. Kirk confirms that Spock's brain is basically running everything in the FM Boots Brigade's subdivision. Deep Purple freaks out some more until Kirk grabs her and tells her that she removed the brain, so she will put it back.

Can we pause a moment and consider what we are watching here? A half alien's brain was removed by a chick in metallic purple thigh-high boots, the brain's owner walks around whenever a universal remote is waved in his direction, and now they're going to put the brain back? Good night!

Deep Purple complains that she can only take things out, she can't put them back in. It's like an aptitude test with blocks and stuff. Bones confirms that her brain -- like the brains of the rest of the FM Boots Brigade -- are atrophied from lack of use. It turns out that Deep Purple "put upon [her] head the Teacher" in order to perform the surgery. The Teacher is this big half-globe made out of Plexiglas. It has metal spikes sticking out of it. It looks like something Walter Mitty made in his garage. Spock's brain tells them that the Teacher contains recordings of the all the knowledge of the builders of this place. Not without much freaking and squawking on behalf of Deep Purple, Kirk forces the Teacher on Deep Purple's head. Reaction shots all around. Deep Purple opens her eyes. That must've taken considerable effort, given how heavy her eye shadow is. The Teacher removes itself from Deep Purple's head and she speaks clearly, concisely, and with articles about how the Teacher uses Spock's brain and so on and so forth. She then points a phaser at him. Scotty notes that it's set to kill. "So it is, that is the knowledge YOU have brought me," Deep Purple comments. Oh, the folly of the violent man, how it follies around. Kirk and Deep Purple argue about whether she should kill them and what will happen to Spock. Deep Purple says, "I do not know killing, I do not wish to kill." Suddenly, Scotty becomes a southern woman in a corset and swoons. Deep Purple is distracted by his "uggggh" and Kirk grabs the phaser back. Ah, but Scotty's swoon was a ruse! A ruse! Kirk orders Deep Purple to help them. "You MUST put BACK what YOU have TAKEN!" Deep Purple won't betray the FM Boot Brigade. In three hours her knowledge will leech away and she will be reduced to talking like a baby again. Bones thinks he can put the Teacher on and get the knowledge to put Spock's brain back. Spock's brain argues that it's risky, since Deep Purple is an alien and Bones is not. Bones insists, and even cites a greater good of bringing the knowledge of brain transplants to the world.

Bones puts the Teacher on. He stands for a moment while the music crescendos, and then he falls to his knees. Judging by the look on Kirk's face, he's experiencing sympathy pains. Bones pulls himself together and is all, "Scalpel!" Kirk is thrilled, and expresses this by gripping Bones' shoulder spasmodically.

Bones operates. There's a blue glow thrown up on his face, which makes me wonder if Spock's brain is made out of the same stuff as Indiglo watches. Kirk logs that they don't know how long Bones's Algernon knowledge will stay with him, and that any future use of the Teacher is not recommended by the Surgeon General. Remote Control Spock lies on a table with a big wall guillotining the top of his head. Scotty watches from the surgery side of the wall, but Kirk prefers to stare soulfully at Remote Control Spock from the non-bloody side. Deep Purple hangs out in the middle. Scotty screeches, "He's operating at warp speed! You know, I'd like a try at that Teacher m'self!" Deep Purple bitches that they will have Spock's brain back and her people will die. Kirk explains how much better off they'll be without the Controller, since they will be able to grow and develop in ways they haven't been allowed to do. Is EVERY TOS episode about the horrors of a stagnant society? Seems like everyone I choose to recap is! Well, maybe not the Gorn, that was just...actually, I still don't know WHAT that was. Clint Howard either.

Kirk explains how the FM Boots Brigade will be able to exist and learn live with the men. He promises to help them. I'll just bet he will. He'll teach Mating 101, 102, 103, and Advanced Mating for Sex Majors. A shot looking up at Bones face shows him sweating under the blue glow of Spock's brain. Scotty calls Kirk over and hisses that Bones is forgetting. Bones dithers. Kirk tells him he can't stop now. Well, he could, but Spock would just end up like Crichton and, while funny, it's not exactly pretty. "I'm trying to thread a needle with a sledgehammer!" Bones mutters. "Bones!" Kirk prompts. "No one can restore a BRAIN!" Bones announces. Score: Parmigiano-Reggiano. Kirk reminds him that not too long ago he said it was child's play. Bones looks down and sweats through the blue light in several shots. Kirk's log feels the need to bring us up to date. You know, he always records his log as if it were happening right now, but he's really not, is he? There have been times when he's shown dodging bullets and explosives and he's like, "My dash across this minefield may prove futile but I must try." Maybe they're all really just internal monologues that he likes to call "Captain's log" so people don't think he's crazy?

Kirk reveals to us that he instructed Bones to connect Spock's vocal chords, on the off-chance that Spock's brain could be of some service. Bones gasps that Spock is dying and he can't stop it. Spock rasps, "Yes, if you will finish reconnecting my speech center, I might be able to help." If his speech center wasn't fully reconnected yet, how in the world could he say that sentence? Score: Stilton. Spock continues to encourage Bones throughout the procedure. "Ahh, ahhh!" Spock groans. I don't even want to ask what Bones was connecting there. Spock's voice clears up and he says, "That's better." I see: having his speech pattern fully reconnected clears the phlegm from his throat. Spock gives more instructions. He gets quite bossy, actually. They test his nerve endings with much flopping of arms, wrists, and elbows. Bones bitches that he'll never live it down that a Vulcan told him how to operate. Finally, Bones closes, complaining that he could have made a thousand mistakes. Spock sits up. Uh, I think I see one of those mistakes, Bones. Spock still has hair -- how did you put his brain back in without shaving, trimming, or even mussing his hair? Spock stretches and then thanks and congratulates Bones. Bones asks how Spock feels, and Spock proceeds to make up for nearly an entire episode of silence by running off at the mouth about the history of this planet. "I knew it was wrong -- I shouldn't have done it!" Bones interrupts. "What's wrong?" Kirk asks, concerned. "I never should have reconnected his mouth," Bones announces. "Reconnected his mouth"? TALEGGIO! Spock tips his nose up and raises his eyebrow. The Bassoon of the Cracker Barrel Moment tootles. Scotty looks stoned. Kirk comments, "Well, we took the risk, Doctor." Spock continues on with his verbal diarrhea. Bones, Scotty, and Kirk start laughing. Kirk even takes the universal remote and tries cranking it in Spock's direction. Deep Purple just stands there, probably wishing they would all shut the hell up so she can learn about her people and how they are going to keep from dying off.

week: ENTERPRISE! From the previews Quantum looks dead in that way that main characters never are.